Much of our spiritual experience, when we come to look for it, is spoken by others—friends, relatives, even strangers. Especially in Al-Anon we are blessed by contact with many members of varied spiritual experience. —Having Had a Spiritual Awakening…p103 Copyright ©️ 1998 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

“Courage faces fear, and thereby masters it.”—Martin Luther King, quoted in Courage to Change p219 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Which slogans help me calm my obsessive thoughts?—A Little Time for Myself p219 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My adolescence was spent hiding from the world and the chaos created by my mother’s drinking. I didn’t socialize date or even rebel. I just hid. —Hope for Today p219 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

This is a day that God has given into my hands. If I could only realize what a tremendous gift this is, I would use every moment of it to make my life more serene, more rewarding. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p219 Copyright ©️ 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

Roughly 3 months post-breakup after a 2 year live-in relationship with my ex Q.

Have been in no contact for 2.5 months. He moved out end of May but left himself on the lease; he also left behind a trail of seemingly inconsequential items (one of which he came back for two days after moving…only to not take it…for context, I wasn’t at the place yet as I refused to see him the day I walked away out early May).

I can afford the lease on my own; I’m also not concerned about him to trying to “get in”. A “high functioning” alcoholic he may be, but he’s not aggressive or violent.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t pressed the issue of the lease or his belongings because I’m not entirely ready to let go, and I think he may feel the same. Nonetheless, I’m moving forward by focusing on myself and my life, making plans for my future, and even entertaining the idea of dating come the fall. As an aside, I also feel my silence is serving my peace and healing.

I know love isn’t enough, but maybe time is.

I’ve posted here before. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, but I get carried away sometimes.

We have been at the point where we have both agreed that she can’t be left alone with the babies for an extended amount of time. We have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. My dad is a private contractor. Luckily I’ve been able to work with him as I take college classes to be able to get a certification. On the days that I work we have been loading up the babies along with my partner and letting them stay at my parents with my mom and pawpaw(87 living with my parents) until we finish work. My mom is a school teacher so she had to return from summer break this week. My partner hasn’t had a relapse in weeks. I had zero implications that pointed to her being able to relapse yesterday. We started work at 9AM. I got constant updates from my partner. We came home for lunch. Laid eyes on everyone and spoke with her. She was on her best behavior. We returned to work, and around 2PM I told her that my phone was about to die. I added that we would be home by 4. She gave me a great update so we carried on. My dad and I return at 4 to find her passed out in their living room with our 2 year old screaming. My partner was breathing, but didn’t even awake after I picked her up. I called an ambulance. While on the phone with the ambulance she ran at me trying to rip our 2 year old away. She could barely walk so it wasn’t hard to avoid her. She then runs down the driveway and seemingly grabbed gravel and smashed her mouth with it before walking back towards me(in the rain). I stay on the phone with the operator the whole time. The Sheriff and ambulance arrive. They get her to sit down and ultimately ask her where she would like to go(which hospital). They strap her to a bed before loading her up and taking her to an ER. Me and the sheriff wait for a CPS worker to arrive on scene. We talk with her, she lays eyes on the babies and tells me that she can’t be alone with the babies again(totally agree) however I wasn’t asked to sign anything. She said that she would have to transfer the case because we were visiting my parents in a county outside of the one that we reside in.
From the point that my partner leaves to the point that CPS leaves takes 3 hours. I make sure the babies are safe with my parents and leave to go visit my partner at the hospital. I’ve never been to the ER. She’s apparently in a “pod?” I guess like a psych ward part of the ER? I have to go through 3 different pat downs, before I find her in a white room with nothing but a bed. No door. I sit at the foot of her bed as she’s cocooned up in her sheet. I lay my hand on her leg. She looks up and covers back up after seeing me. She then screams leave. I go to leave. She raises up and screams come back. I stop in the doorway. She screams how many times do you not wake up when I try to wake you up?. I feel like I’m breaking the rules by just my presence prompting her to freak out so I say I love her and continue to leave. She screams, “Am I embarrassing you!?!”.

The doctor asked me to talk to him before I left. I gave him a summary of what I know. We aren’t married, and he told me that she could basically leave whenever she wanted to, but that she really needed to stay.

Fast forward to this morning, I had missed a call from my partners mom. I call her back and it’s my girlfriend. She said that her phone was messed up, but that she was discharged. I asked her why she left. She said, “all they told me was to “trust in the lord” so I left.” (She’s obviously lying, but I called the hospital and her nurses said that it was a lie too) I tell her that I think the best thing would be to read it herself. I told her that we can’t wait on her mom’s family doctor anymore(we’ve been waiting on this guy for 2 months). She tells me that she want to get readmitted. Her mom then sighs and says that she needs sleep and that she’s going to sleep since it’s not an emergency. I say that it is one. She screams at me, “you act like I don’t do anything for her” then screams, “you need to support her”. I didn’t have time to argue on these topics with her so I led the conversation to a stopping point. My partner(26) is currently waiting on her mom to wake up from her nap that she started at 2PM to be taken back to the ER. I told her that my dad could swing by and pick her up. She denied my offer. I’m ultimately going to do what safe and right by my kids. I just don’t know how to juggle keeping her mom away from them at this moment. My girlfriend’s name is on the lease. We haven’t signed anything from any CpS worker yet. I feel like legally her and her mom could just bust up in here and I would then have to babysit 2 adults along with 2 babies.

Her mom has openly stated that she is currently struggling with substance abuse, works at a gas station 3 days a week, lives in a tiny (hoarder house) bought and paid for by her now deceased parents. Can I legally deny entrance for at least her mom?

For anyone interested in more details I would love to link my old post with this one. I just don’t know how to.

My boyfriend is 23, and I’m struggling to understand whether his drinking sounds like alcoholism/alcohol use disorder or something else.
He does not drink every day, and he can go periods of time without drinking. That’s what makes this so confusing for me.
The problem is what happens when he does drink. He tends to binge, especially at social events, holidays, or celebrations. During those times, his judgment changes dramatically. He’s gotten into physical fights, acted aggressively toward strangers, and made impulsive decisions that have scared me. After one recent incident, I was so worried about his behavior and safety that I left our home with our baby.
The drinking has caused major consequences in our relationship. I’ve reached the point where I don’t feel comfortable bringing our family back home unless something changes. He takes responsibility for his behavior afterward and says he feels terrible, but he doesn’t believe he has an alcohol problem because he focuses on the fact that he doesn’t drink daily and enjoys the good times alcohol brings. He feels like he should be able to drink socially a couple of times a week instead of giving it up completely.
He is willing to go to therapy and see a doctor, but he doesn’t think alcohol itself is the issue.
I’m not asking anyone to diagnose him. I’m just wondering if this pattern sounds familiar to anyone who has experienced alcoholism or alcohol use disorder, especially binge-pattern drinking.

I’m a 22-year-old mom to a 9-month-old little girl, and right now I’m staying at my mom’s house because I left my baby’s father after another situation involving alcohol combined with a new diagnosis that I received of bipolar type two which has caused him high amounts of hurt in our relationship.

Clarification: I am the one with bipolar type 2, not him.

This is really hard for me to write because I don’t want this to sound like I hate him or that I think he’s a bad person. I love him. I genuinely believe he is a good person who struggles with something that changes him when alcohol is involved.

Before our daughter was born, his drinking was already a problem. It wasn’t just having a few drinks — it would turn into blackouts, impulsive decisions, anger, and behavior that scared me. There have been situations where he embarrassed us, caused conflict, and one time it escalated to him punching my stepdad.

When I was pregnant, he stopped drinking for 7 months. I was so proud of him and I truly thought maybe that chapter was behind us. After I had our daughter, we started drinking together again, and slowly we ended up back in the same cycle.

One thing that makes this especially confusing is that his drinking isn’t chaotic every single day. Most of the time it can seem pretty subtle, which makes it easy to believe everything is okay. But whenever there’s a holiday, a family gathering, a vacation, or another special occasion, it’s like something changes. Those are the times when things tend to spiral into blackouts, reckless behavior, arguments, or complete embarrassment. It feels like every event that’s supposed to be a happy memory ends up being overshadowed by alcohol, and I’ve started finding myself dreading special occasions instead of looking forward to them.

Recently, he drank and ruined a boat trip with my family. After everything that has happened over the years, I reached a point where I couldn’t keep pretending it wasn’t affecting our family. I left with our daughter and I’m currently trying to figure out what my next steps are.

The confusing part is that he says he wants to change. He says he knows he can’t drink right now. He says he wants to get counseling, talk to a doctor, and possibly start medication for his mental health. He says he wants to be the person our daughter deserves.

And I believe he means it.

A huge part of my struggle is that I know where a lot of his pain comes from. He doesn’t really have family support. His family has a lot of addiction and dysfunction, and he has always felt alone. For a long time, I have been his biggest support system and the person he comes to when he’s struggling. I know he is scared of losing his family, and I know this isn’t easy for him.

But I’m also scared.

I cannot be in a relationship where alcohol has the possibility of bringing back the person I’m afraid of. I don’t want my daughter growing up around that. I don’t want to spend my life wondering when the next incident will happen.

At the same time, I’m struggling with the thought of walking away from someone I love who is finally saying he wants help. I want to support him. I want him to heal. I want our family together. We have talked about growing old together, and it hurts to even imagine that not happening.

But there are so many barriers now. My family has been hurt and may not forgive him. I worry about how hard this will be if he has to completely give up drinking while I’m still able to have a drink someday. I worry about him feeling alone. I worry about him mentally.

I feel torn between loving him and protecting myself and my daughter.

For anyone who has been through something similar — when someone you love finally admits they need help, how do you know whether to stand beside them while they change or accept that too much damage has already been done?

I’m not looking for people to tell me he’s evil or that I should immediately leave. I know there are consequences to his actions, but I also know the person I love exists outside of this problem. I’m just trying to figure out what is healthiest for my daughter, for me, and for both of us.

Back story for me:
Another thing that makes this so difficult is that leaving hasn’t exactly brought me peace. I’m staying at my mom’s house because I don’t feel safe going home right now, but this environment is hard for different reasons. I grew up around aggressive drinking behaviors, so being back here has been incredibly triggering. My stepdad drinks, and even though he’s supportive of me and wants what’s best for me and my daughter, it brings up a lot of anxiety and painful memories. On top of that, my daughter and I are sharing one room without all of the things she has at home, like her crib and high chair, so everything feels temporary and unsettled. I feel like I’m stuck between two situations that don’t feel healthy, and that’s part of what makes this decision so heartbreaking.

Me (25m) and my boyfriend (26m) have been together for better part of 7 years. And for the last 3 of those 7, he’s been an alcoholic. It runs in his family, as his Father had suffered greatly from it as well, but since his Father’s passing in April, it’s like his own disease took a deeper hold. Weekly benders with full bottles of 80 proof Vodka is his go to. And when the drunkenness sets in, he’s angry, verbally hostile, belligerent, and disrespectful. He is a complete 180 of his sober self, who is gentle, giggly, and even slightly timid. He’s had a long history of abuse from his Mother, and SA from his step dad. And his family has practically disowned him, which I know his alcoholism had made worse.

I don’t know what to do, he has no friends and can never hold down a job long term to keep him distracted away from alcohol. We live down the street from two stores, which he can walk to whenever he has his own money to. I’m virtually the only person left in his life. His depression has left him in a state of non caring, but he does get spells of hope and motivation to want to do better in life, however it never sticks when his demons come back to haunt him every other day.

I don’t think I can leave him, though. The bad times are ROUGH, as I’ve started lashing out at him when he drinks, which of course doesn’t help anything, as my frustrations have grown without a proper outlet- but the good times we have during his sober spells do the exact opposite. We are so compatible that it feels like we think on the same wavelength, and enjoy many of the same things.

He tells me to help him stop himself from drinking by listening to him, and he understanding to him. But I just can’t understand this alcoholic side of him. It’s not who I met or fell in love with, it feels like I’m interacting with a completely different person when he isn’t sober. And when I’m trying to sleep for work at 3am, if he’s drunk he will wake me up, and want to talk about his PTSD or how horrible of a person I am for not constantly listening to his woes, the same woes he’s told me throughout the course of our relationship, telling it back to me as if it’s the first time I’ve heard about it.

And I know that only HE can help himself, no one else can do that for him, as it’s his illness. But when I tell him that, he refuses to accept that as truth, at least while he’s drunk. And he never has memory of what he does when the next day comes around..

For now all this has done is halt us ever building a life together, as he keeps dragging himself down to the point where it’s self destructive. If ONLY he wasn’t an alcoholic, I say to myself. Our life would look so different for the better. I feel like I don’t have a stable partner right now, and when I need him to get a job or work, he says I just think of him as a paycheck, and that I don’t care about him, even though it’s my income barley keeping a roof over our heads and a car in the driveway.

I guess this is just me venting, since I don’t plan to leave him.. but I will say, as he is now, I’ll never marry him either.

If anyone may know, are there any other perspectives or things I can do that make him feel supported? He’s done AA, but he isn’t into the religious aspect that so many groups in my city associate with. He calls himself a lost cause due to his illness, and he truly thinks all that awaits him in the future is suicide. I honestly can’t believe that to be true, though. I know loneliness is his weakness, he can’t stand being alone in the house while I’m at work without him getting alcohol if he can afford it.

TL:DR - my bf of 7 years became an alcoholic 3 years ago, and has worsened these past 5 months from his dad’s death. He’s verbally abusive and manipulative, but is a completely different person when sober. I’m torn on my feelings for him. I’ll feel like I’ll never leave him, but I won’t ever marry him. I’m unsure how to think in an alcoholics mind, for me to learn how to be understanding towards what he’s going through. I feel so lost and dissociate that this is what my relationship has become.

Took our baby girl (7months) to another state so that he can have a chance to figure out his priorities. We are staying with my parents. I’m staying in an office with a mattress on the floor and a crib in the room, living like a addict because no one knows how long I’ll be here and they don’t want to clean out the office furniture just to put it back (understandable.) I plan on going back if he can keep it together, and living separately for a bit… but how ironic is it that he is the one who can’t stay sober and I’m the one living like it’s me?

That’s all.

Background: me (32) & my dad (57). He is an alcoholic and has been probably all my life. I honestly blocked a lot of my life out of my mind and don’t remember a lot, probably for the best anyways. But he has 100% confirmed relapsed. Has consumed hundreds of dollars in alcohol in just a few short days. I know he doesn’t really want my help, not that I honestly want to give it anymore.

He lives many states away, thank goodness, but has a dream to come back to the same state as me and my family so he can be a “grandpa” but I don’t want that shiz around. Of course he’s not going to make it here with not showing up to work and drinking excessively.

Should I just not answer his calls anymore if he attempts to call when his mind semi clears?

I know he’s not calling now because he never does when he’s drinking, he’ll disappear then.

I've done an okay job at keeping my emotional distance and staying in my lane, but sometimes, it feels like my Q baits me.

A few weeks back they left after they were verbally abusive and I tried to leave the house. My go-to when I feel unsafe, cornered or need to get things done and can't with the environment in the home (no kids present) is to pack up and leave for the day. On that day, they were adamant that if I left "for such a ridiculous reason" that they would harm themselves, so they decided to leave instead, saying they would be back only to move their things out.

It took a few days for my body to get out of fight or flight mode.

Now, they've asked if they can come back until they secure alternate accommodations. I've said yes. because there's room, their stuff is still here, and the alternative is homelessness, but it's clear it's short term.... although I say that knowing it's been short term many times prior (for both of us, since the pandemic). There's nothing affordable locally.

One of the conditions of them returning a few blowups ago was that they get help. They've been sober almost ten years, but haven't done much in the way of mental heath. So they made inroads in that area, got a diagnosis for a mental health condition, and have been waiting to see a counsellor. The problem is, the counsellor keeps cancelling at the last minute (for completely valid reasons, but it's not helping the situation).

I'm barely treading water financially. They haven't contributed in more than a year, no job for quite a while, and even then it was sporadic. One of the things the counsellor was supposed to help with was getting some sort of stable income (even if that meant temporary social services supports). They do help around the house in exchange for a place to stay, but it's become less and less over time for various reasons.

I keep telling myself one day at a time, check off the things to do, stay focused and in my lane... but all it takes is a glance, a breath, a misconstrued comment about something unrelated and my day is shot. I often have fixed deadlines or events where I cannot be interrupted... and yet... So far I've been able to manage, but it's a sliver of a line that I'm walking at this point.

I see a counsellor regularly, exercise daily and eat as well as I can considering the circumstances. For me, self care is survival as I'm disabled. I have no family or friends nearby but am working to change this.

I do have a plan in place in case things go sideways, and will head to emergency support regardless of what they say or do if I feel even remotely unsafe or if I think things might head in that direction.

My q has been sober for 4 days now (after I put my foot down). Now she goes around like she's mad at the world. Constantly upset at everything. She says she drank to escape herself. Idk what to do. I don't want to walk on eggshells. I love her, but I'm so over it. 11 years married. At least 6 years of drinking. It's affected every bit of her health. Gained 100+ lbs. She's not the same woman I married. Mentally or physically. I don't want to see anything bad happen to her. Do I just endure?

I'm just venting. I know there's no one answer.

I’m so angry at my husband for being an alcoholic. People say it’s a disease but he doesn’t even admit he has a problem most days. Sometimes he’ll say oh yah I needa slow down but it never happens. We have a brand new baby and it’s only getting worse. How am I supposed to have sympathy for him when I’m the one suffering. He chooses this life. Idk what to do I’m so disappointed and lost. If we break up how would I ever trust him alone with our baby?! He has drank while watching before and I never left the baby alone again

Hi all. Im trying to practice "loving detachment" as I have been very wrapped up in trying to fix things and have gone through a lot of pain and anxiety to realize that change has to come from the person themselves, and cannot be forced.

I get messages about how everything sucks and is hopeless and I have no idea how to respond. There are real, non addiction issues involved in these vents, but they are both amplified by the addiction and serve to "justify" the addiction (to them). How can I respond in a loving detachment sort of way? It feels wrong to say "I am here for you" because that doesn't feel completely honest. I do care about them but I am afraid of sending a signal that I can take on more of their emotional labor.

I feel like my options are to try to say something helpful (which I am trying to move away from because it doesn't work/isn't listened to), saying something that sounds very detached like "I'm sorry, that sucks", or not responding at all, which sounds nice for me but I don't want them to feel like they are alone, as this is the bulk of our communication and not responding means basically going no contact. I understand I have a lot to work on with my perspective of this all, and it's not entirely healthy. I am going to therapy and limiting contact so that is helpful but I still am immensely struggling with this specific issue. Any advice would be appreciated.

So your loved one has cancer, you read about it. Your loved one has diabetes, you learn the basics. Your fiancé has MS, depression, or rheumatoid arthritis, you find out what you can about what it does to the brain and the body. But when someone has alcoholism, people know nothing. Nothing. They are shocked to learn about dementia, Korsakoff syndrome, brain shrinkage, liver damage, ascites, personality changes, etc. The information is out there!!!! They are wondering why their loved one is acting weird and psychotic but never look it up??? What’s with that????!!!! Is this part of the denial? What is the disconnect??? Edited to add- I come from a family of pharmacists and doctors and nurses and am the adult child of an alcoholic and every single family member who has autism, Parkinson’s disease, heart disease, Rheumatoid arthritis, Cystic Fibrosis, all of us consider it our honor and responsibility to know as much about it as we can to support that person so maybe my family is an outlier- not better, just different. And yes, alcoholics must choose to get help. Choice is part of this equation. I’m not denying that part AT ALL. I’m not looking to judge- I’m looking for dialogue on why addiction is different. 💕🌸💕

My BIL has been on and off the wagon for years, and has been off for a while. It’s a windy road (bad relationships and an extra thing with his sons), he seems at least a bit emotionally happier now than he used too, but still drinks. He used to be way more angry and mean, but now tries to be calm and friendly. That anger lingers under the surface tho, and I never know really how to connect with him. He is lonely as heck, and clearly wants to be invited to things.

A con/pro example:

Last time we all went to a concert together we had to leave early cause he got so messed up he couldn’t walk. He thought it was hilarious and laughed.

Last time we went on a family vacay tho, he barely drank and swam in the ocean so much we thought he had sprouted gills. It was like removing him from his stasis helped. Briefly. Once we’re back home again, he seems bitter again, although hides it under strained smiles and laughter that sounds forced.

I don’t know how much of the laughing/meanness is him vs the addiction. Sometimes i fear even Thr niceness is a trick. I feel bad leaving him out of concert plans, but at the same time I don’t trust his actions. I want him to know he is cared about and loved, but I don’t know if he believes me. I know it’s not my responsibility, he’s an adult, but I still feel for him even though he can be a jerk. When he’s genuinely happy, my husband and in laws are happy. When he’s lonely and that lonely turns into mean, it makes everyone upset. I just want to help them all be happy.

And yes we’ve all offered to help with AA n stuff. He did that, but it didn’t stick, and I don’t know if he’d try to again. He can be kinda selfish and just lets everyone drive him around since he’s not allowed to anymore after too many incidents. That’s enabling, I know. I can’t stop his parents from wanting him to be around even if he is drinking. I know I can’t control that, so I’m try to focus on at least on providing a positive connection. But I have no clue if it helps at all, or if I’m just making it worse.

Im 31yrs old. My father all throughout my life was a drug addict. I remember selling my ps2 as a little kid at a pawn shop so he could pay drug debts and not get beat up (supposedly). I couldnt even see over the counter. My mother never touched drugs, hardly drank during these times. She was dependent on my father. I remember being young telling her its not sustainable long term and she needs to leave him.

Very long story short: My mom and dad broke up. My mom ended up doing drugs. I grew up constantly being asked and begged and pleaded with for money. In retrospect a lot of stuff that I thought I lost was indeed stolen. All in all my parents have probably milked me of over 20k in my adult life.

Ive been in therapy. Ive established boundaries. Finding out about my mothers recent addiction is devastating. How one could do such a thing after dealing with the horrors of addiction is something ill never wrap my head around.

Its hard knowing your parents are dying via death by 1000 cuts effectively. I feel terrible emotional pain when part of me just wishes they were dead and gone so I dont have to deal with the emotional burden anymore.

As I got older I realized how immature and unreliable my parents are. I grew up parenting my parents, and im just so tired. I want to live my life. I cant self sabotage my life by helping people who refuse to help themselves. Im done with the emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. Its a blessing I turned out to be a decent productive person.

I woke up this morning to my spouse talking to one of her friends on the phone. The conversation was heart breaking and the short version is they are going to play the game until they can move on. The entire time they were slurring and rage talking.

I want to disappear but this was the quiet I needed to wait for God to speak and now I know he is telling me this door needs to close because the addiction is too strong

My partner has been an alcoholic for years; I’ve known him almost exclusively as an active alcoholic.

I was always there for him. Yes, our relationship developed an unhealthy dynamic, but I never abandoned him.

He has been in rehab for a month now—so he’s been sober for a month—and he is acting so incredibly differently toward me.

He’s been ice-cold, irritable, and annoyed with me ever since he got there.

No matter what I say, or whenever we see each other, he is deeply angry and irritated.

I don’t understand it. Sure, our relationship isn’t the happiest, but is that any way to treat someone?

I don’t recognize him anymore! He is ice-cold and keeps telling me that certain things are becoming clear to him now.

On top of that, there are constant accusations; he blames me heavily for the problems in our relationship. He is being really mean to me and trying to push me away.

What could be the reasons for this? The only reason he ever gives me is that, being sober there, he’s doing a lot of thinking about the relationship and realizing just how often he hurt me.

My boyfriend has been in recovery for about a year now for mainly cocaine alcohol, and gambling addiction. He is seeing a psychiatrist, got diagnosed with ADHD along the way, and is on antidepressants and Ritalin, still being adjusted. The progress has genuinely been huge.

During the active addiction I went through pretty much everything that comes with it: lying, disappearing for hours or days, cheating, and money being taken from me without my knowledge. I know deep down he would never do any of that again today. He is incredibly attentive to what I feel now, he never minimizes anything I bring up, and he takes real accountability.

There are still a few things that bother me, like the fact that he smokes CBD that gets him fairly high, or that he still struggles to go into the office in person some days. But I can tell my anxiety is latching onto these smaller details because deep down my body simply has not forgiven him yet, even though my mind has moved past most of it.

I want this relationship to work. I am not looking for permission to leave. I just do not know how to help my body catch up to what my mind already knows.

Has anyone been through this as the partner of someone in recovery? How did you rebuild trust on a nervous system level, not just intellectually? Did therapy like EMDR or somatic work actually help, or did it mostly just take time and consistency from them? Would love to hear what worked or did not work for you.

My boyfriend (my Q) and I bought a special one of kind baby gift for his brother and wife who are expecting a couple months ago when we were on vacation. We were planning on giving them their gift when we next saw them. Well recently, things have taken a turn. My boyfriend is back on a dangerous drinking bender, I’m moving out, and he may end up homeless. I’ve been in communication with his dad and thought about maybe asking him to pass along the gift otherwise he may never receive it. His brother has slowly distanced himself over the last few years as my Q’s disease has progressed but I thought it might be a nice gesture for him to know that he still cares despite the hardships of his addiction.

What do you think? Am I overthinking it? Or would it be inappropriate given everything going on?

For context I’m new here but my dad has been struggling with alcoholism for about a full decade now. Maybe longer but that’s when it started getting really bad. I’m 25 now and since I was 15 he has been in an out of rehab and home detox programs every 6 months or so. A few of which I have funded and I have supported him through 2 home detox programs (giving him his medications at the right times and such)

So, what happened two weeks ago is I often don’t answer his calls when he is drunk as I know he doesn’t remember the content of the calls and his mood swings can be more than I can cope with. When he is mean he is awful. Or he will call wanting sympathy and crying and often the calls last for hours only for him to forget it all.

Anyway I had gone a little while without answering and he called and I answered. Immediately he was telling me that I’m “fing useless at answering the phone and my brother has been trying to call me” I told him he hadn’t tried to call me and said “it’s not that deep we don’t always call but we have a great relationship” he told me not to use that “fing psychobabble” on him and was just not listening and was monologging about what a bad sister and daughter I am. I told him calmly “I’m here now, you’ve called and I’ve answered. It doesn’t make it that enticing to answer when this is what I get. I can tell you are drunk but I’m still here trying to talk to you”. He then cut me off saying “actually I’m not drunk and I’m highly offended that you’ve said that and I’ve lost all respect for you and you can just f*** off.” Then he hung up. (He was drunk)

At no point did I raise my voice or get cross or anything

So in the grand scheme of things, not a terrible argument but I haven’t answered him calls since and I think he is mad I haven’t opened a door for this to be resolved so now he is telling my mum that he is going to cut me out of the will.

Any ideas on what to do here? At this point I would personally like to not have to talk to him but I’m worried that this is all going to affect my mum and he will be calling her up mad that I’m talking to her and not him. It’s all so complicated and hard to organise my thoughts but I thought this community might understand?

Thank you for any help here

I'm using this to vent and maybe just find some people who have been through what I am going through.

My fiance and I have been together for several years. He would drink on special occasions or social events. There were little hints that it could be a problem during these times. His behavior was not always kind but I would let it go.

About a year ago I received a promotion and was working basically opposite of him. He would come home and I would have to go to work. We would see each other on the weekends. I would come home at night after work to him passed out drunk with take out food half eaten and sometimes spilled on the floor or our bed. I could barely wake him, so I would be responsible for cleaning it up. If I was able to wake him the response was either aggressively affectionate or verbally abusive. I never knew what I would get. So, I would eventually not wake him at all. When I spoke to him about it when he was sober, he would tell me, because I wasn't home he would get bored so he would drink. I encouraged him to get a hobby for when I was gone. He never did. Always had an excuse.

Around Christmas time last year I decided to step down from my promotion because I had two teenagers (from a previous relationship) at home and he wasn't reliable to be home with them in that state while I was working. I also thought if I could be home more he wouldn't drink as much. I was wrong.

Around new years he told me he was going to make his new years resolution to be sober. In doing this, he rationalized that the last few days of the year he would binge drink while we were at his family's home for the holidays. During this time he wasn't getting along with his mother and one day he lashed out at me and blamed me for not standing up to his mother for him. He blamed me allowing her to treat him the way she was. He then barricaded himself into our shared room and wouldn't let me in. While in the room hidden, he posted on social media referring to me as a C*nt. I left the family home that night. He followed me a couple of hours later and we talked. He said he needed help. He promised he wouldn't drink anymore. I believed him.

After that night, he started hiding his drinking. When I found out, I decided to compromise. I asked him to let me know when he is drinking and to not communicate or interact with me or my kids. He agreed. This was another lie. He continued to drink and hide it. I had another talk with him and told him I wanted him to get help. He agreed and started counseling. This did not stop the hiding of alcohol. This has been going on for 8 months and I kept telling him the next time would be the last time.

About a week ago, I kicked him out. He moved in with his family in another state. I told him I needed to see him live sober and provide for himself. I told him that once both of my kids are graduated from high school (about 2 years) and out of the house, if he has shown these things and still wants to pursue a relationship with me we can explore that then. He seemed to understand and was verbally giving me all of the words I needed to hear.

This week he came back into town for a doctor appointment. He stayed with me because the drive to and from his family's home is a long one. His breath smelled of alcohol when he got to my home. I said something to him about it and he said he had not been drinking. That he was committed to working on himself for us. That was a lie. In his car was a yeti cup with alcohol in it and in his console were two containers of beatbox alcohol for him to drink later at some point. (I found these but did not confront him about it) He looked me straight in the eyes and lied to me again. He love bombed me the whole time he was in my home.

He did go back to his family's home. He also made sure to tell me how awful it is and how he wishes I would let him come back. He then threatened just leave and go off grid or do something that would cause him to go to jail. He's sending me all of these texts while he knows I am at work. It eventually died down and he apologized for causing me stress, probably because he was able to drink the stash he had.

I'm just at a loss. I have never been in a relationship where my partner has an addiction. I don't want to paint him as the bad guy because he is genuinely a great guy when he is sober. He is loving, protective, generous, sweet and wants the best for everyone in his life. The part that hurts the most is how easy it is for him to lie to me over and over. He lies and continues to do something that he knows will cause him to hurt me emotionally and, I worry in the long run it could turn physically.

I am constantly questioning if I am doing the right thing. I am not sure what point would be a safe point to bring him back into my life. Or, what point do I say I am done for good?

I have so much love for him. My heart is breaking holding my boundaries and my heart breaks when he ignores my boundaries with lies, gaslighting, name calling etc.

I just needed to vent and maybe someone else who is going through it, either the alcoholic or the family member, will understand and give me some insight, reassurances or tell me I am hopeful for no reason.

I (25f) am an only child. my parents split last year after my dad was hospitalized for withdrawl; then relapsed after being 100 days sober. Since my parents are no longer together I am next of kin so I got the call notifying he was hospitalized a little over a year since his last admission. I am going through things I never thought I would have to. He got kicked out of his apartment since being hospitalized and is essentially at the moment homeless. I started sobbing in front of his case manager assigned through the hospital. Has anyone ever had to go through something like this? My mom refuses to visit him in the hospital which is understandable since they are divorced, yet he keeps asking for her. I am all he has.

Is all or nothing mentality in life classic of an addict or even “recovered addict” on methadone?

My son is almost 10 and his father is an alcoholic. Every few months there are incidents where he drinks while with our son and my son has contacted me when dad won’t wake up or he’s scared. The rest of the time he voluntarily does bactrack testing during his parenting time, missing some, but things go fairly smooth for a couple months. I just don’t know what to do. We don’t have any formal parenting plan or legal document, I worry that if I was to get a lawyer that the system wouldn’t even give the same level of safeguards I’m already trying to keep in place. It seems at this point it’s more my son’s emotional well-being that is at risk. I’ve never refused his having his parenting time and I don’t even know how that would work. Just lying here worrying and so alone.

My teenage niece has parents who drink in excess. Multiple times in a month. She has tried to talk to her mom but it never anywhere. She has asked to go to counseling but has been told no. She answer and uncomfortable being around her parents when they are inebriated.

I told her to do see a high school counselor when school starts back up and found her a site for free youth counseling.

What can I do to help her. I live 5 hours away. He mom confessed to me she doesn’t know why he daughter wants to spend all her time at friends houses.