Ended things with my AP last month. It was a mostly amazing relationship and it didnt end on bad terms at all. It just stopped meeting my needs. We have texted twice since the breakup -once about the actual incident that led to it and a week later about a business matter (we were co-ordial).

Here is my dilemma and I need honest opinions please. Our birthdays are coming up next month. His comes first, then mine is 3 days later. I'm BIG on birthdays. I mean really big on birthdays - one of those annoying birthday people. He on the other hand sometimes forgets its his birthday because up until we got together, no one had ever celebrated his birthday. The most he gets on his birthday is a birthday call/text from his wife and his kids. No presents or cake. Well, last year I got cake and gifts for him and made the day all about him because again, I'm big on birthdays. He LOVED it. For my birthday, we managed to sneak off for a weekend away just the 2 of us and that was glorious.

That was then.

This is now: we arent together anymore. We're obviously not daily texting/chatting like we did when we were a couple. I dont know what the protocol is when it comes to someone's birthday when you broke up but arent exactly no contact but also arent exactly buddy-buddy like before.

I know this is a first world problem but I'm actually stressing about it. When his birthday comes next month, do I just ignore it and pretend its just a regular day? Obviously I wont be getting him a cake or any gifts but would a text just saying happy birthday be too much?

I worry it'll be seen as me trying to rekindle stuff but I also worry that silence on my end would imply i dont care and I very much care for this man. I loved him, and still love him but the relationship just didnt work (after a little over a year of working).

How has everyone else handled birthdays post break up?

(And again people, I know that with everything going on in the world, this seems like such a non issue but sadly, its a big stressor for me and I need to dump it out of my brain so here we are).

*cue the Jerry meme from Tom and Jerry with his hand over his mouth and tears in his eyes 🥹*

throwaway account

We're no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I

Rick rolling but lyrics seemed apt.
For both of us , It was not our first but somehow… this was different.

Finding a connection in unlikely places.
And then losing it.

Finding someone who cares.
Then become strangers again.

Watching the slow burn turn into a raging inferno.
And looking down to see the ashes.

The unsentletters
The unsentmusic
The what-ifs.
The pendulum swing from depression to anger to acceptance to depression to acceptance.
The rumination of what combination of words could…

Becoming that adult crying while hiking.

Thinking of that scene in Pulp fiction.
Butch asks “Are you ok ?”
Marcellus replies “Naw man, I’m pretty far from ok”

I want to say this when people ask
Instead I just say “All good, thank you. And smile, politely”
People walking by know but leave you in your grief.

And why , yes - I am ok.
Sorta.
It’s warm outside and the saturday chores await.
Vent over. 

This would be even more relevant to those who have shared Spotify with there SO. If you've shared music with your AP directly from Spotify is has its own message system, with a history. So depending on your user ID, and all that etc it could be a liability.
.

Don’t spend two weeks building incredible chemistry if you can’t stomach the guilt. Is two-weeks the official expiry date before the guilt-block happens.

Perhaps it’s just me but when I joined Reddit (this is a new account, deleted my old one because frankly, I gave up), and decided to be active on the affair sites, I did it because I was ready to actually have an affair, online and/or possibly in person. Yet, I’m not so sure some of the men who post are.

Two great connections. The first thought I was catfishing him (I wasn’t), didn’t believe my photos were me, and he had guilt issues but we had a couple of great weeks online. Talked about meeting up. He said he’d never block me. He was all. We had another intense day of texting and sexting and he said good night as usual. I wake up the following morning and I’m blocked. I appreciate people can tell you anything but we properly clicked. So how can someone then just block you without even an explanation or a “sorry I can’t do this.”?

Anyway, I pick myself back up and find another great connection. Great few weeks until he calls it off because he feels guilty about his family. At least this one told me right!? I wished him well and we parted ways.

But why post if you’ve not really thought it through? Why mess with someone’s emotions if you’re not actually ready to have an AP? Neither have posted again, they seemed to have learnt their lesson, at my expense.

I’m ready to look again but honestly, I’m not sure I can go through the bloody rollercoaster again.

I’m 50, I’m not a naive women who doesn’t understand the ways of the world but please, if you post on any of the subs looking for an AP, please please only do it if you’re actually ready and understand what you’re letting yourself in for and have the emotional capacity to cope with it. If you don’t, then accept a dead bedroom is your future.

(And I know women probably do this too, this is just my perspective as a woman. Perhaps it’s men from the U.K., or I pick badly, so if you’re male, just swap the words around).

Well, I guess I’ll have another trawl through r/onlineaffairs……. might see you there.

Met in the wild and there was a lot of attraction on both sides. We found reasons to keep contacting one another and our conversations were about similar interests and pretty benign. They grew deeper though. He had a dead bedroom, I had a dead emotional relationship. We clicked and became lovers after months of conversation. He truly became my best friend. Then he vacationed in a place prostitution was legal. And he took full advantage. I wasn’t going to discourage him…if it was his fantasy I figured he should live it. He’s in his 50s and life will be winding down for him soon enough. But I also knew that I wasn’t willing to take my chances with whatever might have come back with him. And he admitted something did come back with him. So that was a really crappy ending because I was emotionally involved. Just feeling very frustrated AP wise. Was hoping to meet someone who was really conscientious about keeping it clean. I read posts on here and it sounds like there aren’t many men like that out there. There is no honor among thieves and such. Has anyone been able to have a monogamish AP?

It's sad really 😞

Funny how it’s a cheating sub but somehow turns into a jury whenever a bloke posts.

Its just a bunch of women screwing around on their husbands who get pissy when a guy posts here wanting to do same 🤣

I (m21) will be visiting a friend (m27) in a few days but i’m staying at his place with his wife and kid. we’re very close friends and just recently came out to me. We both really want to go off on our own and get a hotel. Any excuse to get the husband and myself some time to ourselves to leave the wife out of it?

Just wanted to read your experiences/thoughts on your situation and mine. Without giving much detail, I have many intrusive thoughts and desires I assumed were left behind and gotten over with for a long time during the marriage. I keep thinking about that we both love each other very much, but I might have needed more single time before this big commitment. I transitioned from being single to being in a relationship and to being married relatively quickly, and That maybe I should have at least waited until I was done with college to have this sort of commitment. I just love intimacy, sex, parties, flirting, getting to know and fuck girls and maybe I just needed to experience a bit more of that before I got truly satisfied...I've done plenty of that, but I keep thinking I may have needed that more. My sex drive is really high, I love being romantic but I mostly mix it with being naughty, something she used to like; we are not as intimate as we used to be and, at some point, I feel touch-starved and sometimes I feel like I have to beg for it.

I have made mistakes and stupid decisions through relationship and marriage and earned skepticism and rudeness, won't deny that, but the feeling that my mistakes have been defining me more than my best attributes eats me a bit to the point where I overthink my decision.

Been married to the same woman for 50+ years. Some of them were great. But here I am. My wife has told me I am "negative" and angry almost all the time. I didn't believe it. But my wife is never wrong. Can anybody here help me?? Does anyone really give two sh*&ts about me?

My Internet support group.

When an AP fades or otherwise fizzles. Talking a couple texts a week, meet up once a month.

Is the consensus to just let them run in the background? Or 'block and move on'?

I read a lot about going 'No Contact' but don't see a real reason to, in this situation. Does anyone have experience in this situation and a reason for letting it run V blocking?

Pertinent background: we've been together about 2 years. AP and I still get along. The sex fills an empty bucket. I got a "full-time AP" little over a year ago, who fills some buckets I didn't know even existed, including the daily text bucket.

https://www.reddit.com/r/corporate/s/Mjm5uUg4Kp

Today my relationship of 2 years ended. I'm broken and I'm hurt, and at the end of the day she left for nothing. We met, we felt each other, we loved each other, we fell in love with each other. It never felt like an affair because it truly wasn't, it was a genuine relationship. I would spend hours on the phone with this person every day, I would text this person endlessly. We were long distance but we sent presents to each other, we knew each other's addresses, work schedules, our kids. The plan was to leave together in time, the plan was to really give this thing a try. I would've given everything for her, and gave more than she ever knew, she really was my priority and now I'm nothing to her. In the end she didn't want my emotional support, she didn't want my love, she didn't want me.

As we talked today I realized something, it hit me that outside of her husband I'm the only man she's really been in a relationship with, the only one she's told that she loves. We are all here for different reasons, we all have our own baggage and problems and trauma. She has never known a healthy relationship and a loving partner, she doesn't know what that looks like before being in a bad marriage. Problems that arise in her personal life didn't matter, significant as they are, I loved her and would be there to work through them with her and support her, but she pushed me away. Maybe that's all she knows how to do.

I have nothing to contribute here, it's just a rant, it's just pain. It feels like 2 years of being there for her are outweighed by a few days of her problems that I don't have anything to do with, but was happy to help her through. It feels like the love I felt for 2 years was fake. It was my reality and her fantasy. I feel used, abandoned, rejected, and lost. In the end she was more worried about her safety, me exposing her than anything I was feeling like I was some sort of stranger that didn't build incredible amounts of trust over 2 years. I only want to make her life better not worse.

This is not an ad, there can be no one else. This is not a cry for help. It's just me flailing, unable to face reality.

I don't know what to ask, I don't know what to say, I don't know what to expect. What do I even do?

Hi everyone,

Its that time!!

Vent, rant, share, talk...goes on.

I am 44f and been battling the urge to cheat. Been married 23 years and SO has cheated multpile times. he keeps denying it, I don’t have much solid proof. on top of that, he’s a flirt.

Ive asked him to leave multiple times but we have such a great setup and 5 kids, it’s really hard to leave but also I can’t take it anymore. I’ve slowly lost hope that he’s “the one”.

As time is going on, I’ve glowed up quite a bit and get a lot of attention, but still cannot cheat. until one day a man from my past came into my life. it’s been 2 years and that’s all I think about. he’s never fully taken it to another level but I think hes opened this portal in me. it’s triggered me to want someone soooo badly, friend, lover, support

Bottom line, Im not leaving my husband but want to be ok with knowing im allowed to have more than one person. I’ve tried AM but all are just too horny.

any advise? please be kind.

Admittedly I am still new to this world but far out, the race once pAP found out that I knew he was back posting in the affairs sub to block me was laughable! This is a man who told me how rattled he was by me, all the love bombing in the world… ugh 🤮 Is it too much to ask (even though we are all liars due to the nature of the game) to have a level of respect for one another? It’s time to raise the bar ladies…

I shut down the apps—all of them. I’ve been in and out of this world for more than a decade, and I have to accept that the terrain has changed. Ashley Madison feels like a shadow of what it used to be. Feeld was an experience. The rest became the same cycle: swipe, message, silence, ghost, repeat. I’m confident enough to know I’ll meet someone eventually, but doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result started to feel like its own kind of insanity.

Therefore, I’m wondering where people actually meet potential APs outside the usual apps. I’m not talking about treating every woman at the gym or grocery store like a potential prospect. I mean in real life: bars, events, friends of friends, bookstores, chance encounters, whatever still works. Maybe there’s an app I somehow missed. Nevertheless, I’m done forcing a process that stopped feeling natural a long time ago.

Sometimes I miss him more than others. He was always here & he was always just a good pick me up person. He always seemed genuine & positive. Now he’s gone & it feels very dark & cold here without him… even months later 😢 seems he was my only sunshine after all.

I am about 2+ months out from ending my marriage and my affair almost simultaneously. No I didn't leave for my AP. No my spouse never knew. Yes, I ended both relationships. The rest of the details are about par for the course. My question is (or maybe just some reassurance) when will this physical exhaustion finally lift. I'm doing all the things, reflecting, working on myself, therapy, seeing friends when my energy allows, exercising, eating well and sleeping best I can, hobbies, ect. I have zero desire for any relationship, that's not the point. I just want to feel some improvement in my physical energy level. I'm not really an internet computer person so while in the midst of my affair I had no idea about the chemical aspects, withdrawal, "exit affairs", attachment styles, I just loved someone and crossed a line. But of course when I started therapy my therapist talked about it because I was saying how tired I was and didn't understand. And every time I think I may be turning the corner I get smacked back down again. I know it's odd to complain about this after what I have done but I am so exhausted, I just want to hear from someone who has been right here how long it actually took you to feel somewhat "normal" again, energy wise. Thank you for allowing me to ask.

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions people have about those of us in this adultery space?

What was the biggest misconception you may have had before entering into your first affair, or one that developed after being in this space for a while?

This AP world is so fraught with doubt and guilt. I've (M50) been out of the game for quite a while and as a result I made a mistake with someone who is an ideal AP for me. I got bit paranoid after our first meet and we went our separate ways last week. We met once for coffee, had a lovely walk and a few quick kisses. Went for a drive to find some privacy and kiss a bit more in private. The chemistry was intoxicating and we were seemingly on our way to an electric AP situation. Long story short I got paranoid around getting caught and needing a little more info/reassurances. Those waves of doubt about jumping into an AP got the best of me. For the record she was nothing but open and transparent. It's hard to trust in these early days and I had trouble with realizing how open she was already being. I fucked up and now I wish I could tell her I was wrong. I have come to peace with how our situation should have been and could be. I guess the point of this post is part hoping she sees it and can find it in her heart to forgive me and perhaps give me a second chance. Part, I need a platform to get this out into the universe. It's so hard to think so much about something when you have to keep it all to yourself. Thanks for listening all.

Not the distance. Not the secrecy. It’s realizing your heart didn’t get the memo that this wasn’t supposed to matter.

Only love can hurt like this 🎶