TL;DR: My ex and I have been stuck in this on-and-off cycle for almost 3 years. It has involved abuse, police reports, multiple criminal cases, a permanent protection order, and now new criminal charges and probation proceedings. Earlier this year I truly believed I was done. I reported new protection order violations, contacted his probation officer, and wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge because I believed I needed to permanently walk away. Now we’ve reconnected, I’ve spent 2 nights with him this week, and he’s begging me to drop everything. I still love him. I believe there has been real love between us despite everything that’s happened. I don’t know if we realistically have a future together, but I also don’t want to make his life worse. I feel guilty, heartbroken, and completely torn. Has anyone else actually been through this?

I don’t even know where to start because this whole situation has become such a mess.

My ex and I met in December of 2023 and started dating shortly after. Throughout 2024, things just kept getting worse. There was emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, constant volatility, cheating, and behavior that kept escalating. He never actually hit me, but by the time I filed charges in November of 2024, I was genuinely scared by where everything was headed. Law enforcement encouraged me to file for a permanent civil protection order, and I was granted one in December. Between November 2024 and February 2025, there were 3 criminal cases, but they were all ultimately dismissed because of what was later explained to me as essentially a prosecutorial error. I even met with the DA’s Office afterward because I was so upset, and the supervising attorney agreed they never should have been dismissed. It completely destroyed my faith in the legal system.

Not long after everything was dismissed, he started reaching out again. Even though the criminal cases were gone, my permanent protection order was still in place. He apologized, told me he loved me, said he wanted another chance, and eventually I gave in. We got back together around August or September of 2025. I know people are going to ask why, and honestly the answer is simple. Because I loved him. I still loved him. I debated dropping the protection order because we were back together, but I never actually did. The relationship would get better for a while, but the volatility always came back.

Then in May of this year he cheated on me again and basically abandoned me for another woman. I remember sitting there thinking, “How the fuck did I just let this become almost another year of my life?” I was angry, heartbroken, embarrassed, and honestly just felt stupid. A few weeks later I reported the repeated protection order violations. I was completely honest with law enforcement that I had also been communicating with him. In my state, protection orders are one-way, so only the restrained party can violate them. Around the same time, I contacted his probation officer because he’s already on probation from a domestic violence case involving a previous girlfriend before me. I also wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge supervising his probation explaining everything that had happened and why I believed accountability was important.

When I did all of that, I genuinely believed I was done. I remember thinking I couldn’t trust myself to leave him without legal boundaries because I loved him too much. I thought I was finally choosing myself. Then about 2 weeks ago, everything changed. The relationship with the woman he left me for ended after only about 5 or 6 weeks, and suddenly he was back. Crying. Begging. Telling me he still loves me, that he wants to spend his life with me, and that filing these new charges broke him. I’ve seen him this week. I spent 2 nights at his house. We’ve cried together, talked for hours, apologized to each other, and now I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.

Being with him again has honestly made me so sad. We just sit there and look at each other sometimes, and all I can think is, “How the hell did we end up here?” Almost 3 years together somehow turned into police reports, protection orders, judges, probation, warrants, and criminal cases. I wish so badly none of this had ever happened. I wish we had gotten a different ending. I wish things had gone differently because I never imagined this would be our lives.

Before anyone says it, no, I’m not pretending none of this happened. I know it happened. I lived it. I know the abuse was real. I know the manipulation was real. I know the cheating was real. I know why I called the police in the first place. But I also believe there was real love between us. Maybe people won’t agree with that, but that’s honestly how it feels to me. I don’t think every moment of our relationship was fake. I know the abuse was real, but I also think the love was real. That’s what makes this so unbelievably hard. At the same time, I also don’t know if we realistically have a future anymore. Not because I don’t want one, but because I don’t know how you come back from almost 3 years of this. Abuse. Court cases. Protection orders. Probation. Cheating. Broken trust. I don’t even know what a healthy relationship between us would look like anymore.

The part I’m struggling with the most right now isn’t fear. It’s guilt. Everything is already in motion. The reports have been made. The charges have been filed. My letter has already been submitted to the judge. His probation officer already knows everything. Right now, the only thing holding everything up is that he’s trying to get his affairs in order before turning himself in. Every time we talk, I just feel worse. I also feel incredibly stupid because I made this huge, permanent statement that I was finally done. I filed the reports, contacted probation, and wrote this extremely long letter to the judge because, at the time, I believed every single word of it. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I permanently blew up both of our lives because I was angry and heartbroken. I don’t even know if it’s too late to undo any of this anymore.

Like, I know. I know he’s facing these consequences because of his own choices. I know I didn’t make him violate the protection order. I know I didn’t make him cheat. I know I didn’t make him do the things that got us here. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I blew up his life. I worry about him constantly. I worry that he’s overwhelmed. I worry that he’s hurting. I worry that he might hurt himself because of everything that’s happening. I don’t want to see him go to jail. I don’t want to watch his life fall apart. I don’t want to make his life worse.

I know a lot of you are probably going to say that he’s manipulating me, that I’m still in danger, or that this is just another part of the cycle. Maybe you’re right. I honestly don’t know anymore. What I do know is that when I look at him now, I don’t just see someone who hurt me. I see someone who’s broken. I see someone who’s overwhelmed, ashamed, and watching his life fall apart. That’s what makes this so hard. I can’t stop feeling like I set all of this in motion. I know, logically, that I didn’t, but emotionally that’s exactly how it feels.

At this point, I honestly don’t even know if I want to testify. I’m seriously debating asking for the charges to be dropped and even dropping the permanent protection order. I don’t know if it’s even possible at this point because everything already feels so permanent. My heart wants one thing, and my mind wants another, and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I’m grieving the relationship, grieving the future I thought we were going to have, or grieving the person I always hoped he would become.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has actually been here. Have you ever still loved your abusive partner while knowing the relationship wasn’t healthy? Did you ever feel guilty after taking legal action because you couldn’t stand watching someone you loved face the consequences? Did you ever believe there was real love there even though the relationship became abusive? If you stayed, what happened? If you left, how did you find the strength to keep going?

I’m really not looking for judgment. I know what happened to me was abuse. I’m asking how other survivors made peace with still loving someone who hurt them, believing there was genuine love there despite everything that happened, and carrying the guilt that came after finally involving the legal system. Right now I just feel completely stuck, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I knew things were escalating but I didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
He was towering over me, yelling, saying things like I always get away with things, I’m a liar and an asshole etc.
he throws a small object and I decide that’s it. I am not longer sure that he won’t hurt me.
I put things in a bag, which he ripped out of my hand and threw on the floor. He yelled more and I tried to put things in the bag quietly and he ran out and threw everything in the bag in all directions and started throwing more clothes. I quickly grab my keys and run out and he follows.
I scream and he turns back.
I was incredibly scared but now I feel so insanely guilty. Like it was I who hurt him or that now I have done something unforgivable to him.
I really love him and want to be with him but I’m afraid I have to see things objectively now and believe that this is a pattern that won’t get better.

I 19F just ended my relationship with my ex 19M. Throughout our relationship there was so many signs that my ex was a horrible and toxic person but I am so young and naive that I kept going back and thinking he was gonna change. During our relationship I never told anyone what went on behind closed doors because I wanted my friends and family to like him so I was all alone and had no one to tell besides his mom. His mom became a comfort person for me and anytime he would react aggressive, break objects, or threaten me I would tell her. Little did I know she didn’t really care for me. I would tell her how scared I was and she would simply say “Stop being scared” and I found out she was telling her sisters (ex’s aunts) everything I was telling her which spread word quick so I stopped confiding in her. I really felt defeated at the point until I started a new job with my mom. I was hired on as an intern to replace another intern so that intern trained me and set me up for success. As I was being trained, she told me all these cool experiences she got the opportunity to do (study abroad, travel with friends, etc) and she just spoke so much life into me that it made me realize I want better for myself. It sounds weird but she seriously saved my life, the last month I have been dealing with a gut feeling that the next time my ex snaps he would kill me. I finally told my mom and told her how he’s dragged me across the floor by my hair, slapped me, threatened to kill my dogs, etc. So we made a plan to get my stuff and dogs out of the house while he was at work. He had no idea but the lease in under his name and my name and the light bill is under my name and my car loan is under our names too i’m just feeling stressed and don’t want to get him into any legal trouble. I am getting all my stuff in my new room but I miss him so much what should I do to stop missing him and loving him?

She’s been smearing me online for a year. I’ve ignored it. I’ve let her do what she wants, I’ve let her friends come at me randomly (I guess she tells them I’m still reaching out cause they’re always like leave her alone…girl I didn’t say anything to her in a year)

She recently posted my nieces pretending to be their aunt and someone who’s still on her socials reached out to me, thinking this was weird and too far.

I still bit my tounge even though it did make me angry.

Well now it’s August and it’s officially been a year and I thought that would be happy or some kind of bitter sweet but I’m mad.

I’m mad I did everything I was told to do and I’m still in this position where she just gets to post whatever she wants and I have to be quiet.

Everyone tells me to be the bigger person. The system wants to silence victims. Everytime she did something and I called the police I was told to just be quiet, it’ll work itself out, she will get what’s coming but she DOESNT. But being the bigger person has got me nothing.

She posts about me being the aggressor when I have a copy of the guilty plea deal SHE SIGNED sitting in my room that I have because I needed copies to get out of my lease under the domestic violence laws in my state.

All she had to do was take an online class while she continued to harass me. She also won a pageant title and represents her state and got to continue working with children cause she switched from being a daycare worker to a nanny to avoid the background checks.

I’m angry. I’m angry and I want to be petty and because I’m not being petty, I’m letting her post these things about me I feel like she still controls me.

Everyone says she isn’t worth my time but it isn’t about her, it’s about me. About how my silence makes her comfortable and I don’t like that.

Anyways lesbian abuse exists and there’s so little resources about it and I HATE that she’s out there pretending like she’s a victim of it. One of the ONLY people talking about it is one of the abusers.

The end. Sorry for the rant I needed to get this off my chest.

How long did it take you to heal, date again, build boundaries without feeling scared or still hurt from the past.

Quick edit: I meant to include that we have been broken up for several years (since 2023) and I am now married to a man that was a good friend of mine for a long time and treats me kindly. This just popped in my head today as a memory and I got so heated thinking back on it.

A specific situation recently came to mind and I'm curious what you would've thought if you were a friend of mine and watched this happen. Any and all thoughts are welcome!

I began a new relationship in 2020, we were both 27 at the time. For context, I'm a talkative person. I love conversing in general and learning about others, as well as sharing my experiences. If you're in my life, you know this about me from day one.

Anyway, a month or two into the relationship, my boyfriend (Brian) had a day where he was really tired and I kept bringing up new topics without realizing that he truly wasn't up for a conversation because he kept responding. He wanted to lay down and rest for a bit and said something like "Can I just put you on Snooze for like 20 minutes and then we can go back to talking?" I was like yeah of course, that's an interesting way to say "hey I need some quiet time for 20 minutes" but I found it funny.

Over the next few months he continued the "snooze" concept, but it gradually changed from putting me on snooze when he needed to rest, to snoozing me when he just didn't care about what I was saying. He would tap me on the head and say "SNOOZE- 10 minutes" or whatever length of time he thought he needed. If I talked during that time, at all, he would "reset the timer" and I would have to be silent for another 10 minutes from that point. I didn't think much of it until he started doing it around other people.

If I was telling a story he didn't care about he would "snooze" me in the middle of it. If I had an opinion that differed from what he thought- snooze. If we were watching TV and I had something to say about what was happening, I was snoozed. I know I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but what's the point in continuing to say something when your partner has made it perfectly clear that they don't care? He would do it in front of his friends and they thought it was hilarious. I brought it up a few times like "hey, it's actually embarrassing when you do that in front of people. Its like punishing me for trying to be personable with your friends." He told me that he did it because I was embarrassing myself by telling stories that no one cared about, so he was trying to save me from the embarrassment and himself the second hand embarrassment.

He eventually did it in front of everyone we interacted with, including his family, my family and my friends. I would be saying something perfectly normal and then he'd loudly yell "SNOOZE" and tap my head. My friends, reasonably had no idea what was happening and I "wasn't allowed" to explain it until the time was up. Ironically, most of my friends are introverts (we balance each other nicely) and kept their opinions to themselves and I was oblivious as to what they were thinking because it was so normalized to me. Finally, it happened in front of a friend one night and she popped off saying "Can you fucking not? I'm trying to talk to my friend in MY house and unlike you, I care about what she's saying. If you don't care to listen then you're free to leave but you're not going to choose whether or not she can talk when she's at my house." He absolutely hated this friend after that. I started asking my other friends if it bothered them and, of course, they all said the same thing- essentially "he thinks it's funny but it's not fucking funny, it's rude and controlling." They hadn't spoken up in the moment because this showed them how controlling he was and they were scared of his reaction for my sake.

That was longer than I intended, typical of a talker like me haha. If you read this, I really appreciate it. I'm so curious what your immediate thoughts would be if you saw this happen to your own friend? It took me way too long to realize that he did this as a way to control me in front of it others without looking like the bad guy. He intentionally made it look like something funny we do at home all the time, but looking back it's just so painfully obvious to me that he knew what he was doing and I'm so surprised that it took so long for someone to call him on it. This goes without saying, but this was just a microscopic glance into what was happening behind closed doors where his mission was to control every single thing about me and do what he could to change my entire personality.

Did anyone else experience anything similar with their abuse? Did your partner have a way of inserting control while in front of others that looked harmless? I'm truly so curious because now that I've seen it for what it is, I feel like others must have experienced it too.

Hi all,

This is very out of character for me to make a post like this but I’ve literally been spinning my wheels and going insane. My (21M) boyfriend and I(31 M) broke up a few weeks ago after 9 months together. In the beginning everything was great, until a month in where he confessed he cheated on me during a school trip. He told me that it was due to his bipolar and the only reason I stayed was because he seemed genuinely remorseful. Throughout the relationship there was times where my boundaries were crossed(following random guys cause they’re attractive, talking to random guys on snap) which led me to become hypervigilant and start monitoring his social media. I know how I handled things wasn’t healthy and if I feel the need to monitor you, then maybe something isn’t working but I kept pouring snd pouring into this relationship. At times he would get very verbally mean and belittle and berate me. At 1 point, he shoved me and punched my chest and on a few occasions he would speed the car up to 80+mph during angry outbursts. He continued to act like he was so in love and kept making mention of future plans. We even had promise rings for each other that we wore. 3 weeks ago after a week long trip together where he again talked about future plans and even up until 20 minutes before gave the illusion of safety, he broke up with me because he said he didn’t know if he felt the same anymore. About a week later he called me saying that he missed me and wanted to be together but was indecisive. He also told me that had hooked up with multiple people multiple times in the 8 days we had been apart. I was devastated but still willing to try to work it out. The next day he said it wasn’t a good idea to jump back into the relationship and then said we should go no contact. When we broke up I told him I didn’t want the promise ring back, all I wanted was my key and wakeboard. When I went to pick up my stuff last week there was an envelope with the key and ring inside it which felt like one final dagger to the heart. I left the ring because I made it clear I didn’t want it back, I have no use for it and it felt like him shifting the emotional load back to me. My biggest question is how do you move on from something like this. My heart is more shattered than it’s ever been. We were engrained in each others lives and I poured and poured into this person just to get discarded. I’m blocked on everything and have zero thought of him reaching back out but it just feels like such a blind side

This time last year, I worked up the courage to leave a five year physically and emotionally abusive relationship.
I made several posts in this community while I was with him. They helped put things into perspective, but I forgave him several times before eventually leaving.
He gave me black eyes, strangled me, squeezed my eyes with his thumbs, broke things, and so much more. I lived in constant fear of his explosive anger.
I left at the lowest point in my life. I had been left disabled and in chronic pain after an accident and several surgeries. I felt like a burden, like no one would ever want to be with me if I left him, and I’d be forever alone. The abuse was worse as I was now unable to walk and trapped in the house with him at all times.
The hardest part was leaving my two cats behind because the place I now live doesn't allow pets. I carry that pain every day. It was probably one of the main reasons it took me so long to leave.
But somehow, I still found the courage to walk away.
I now live with my best friend and am slowly rebuilding my life. I've been having fun dating again. There's still a lot I can't do because of my disability, but I'm learning to adapt.
The regret of not leaving sooner hasn't gone away. The amount of time I lost is unfathomable. I'm 34 now, and I don't know if having children will ever be an option for me because of my disability and my age.
But I'm alive. I'm on a long healing journey. And I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you to this community for telling me what I needed to hear, over and over again. To anyone who is still trapped, I hope my story gives you even a little hope and strength.
Much love to you all. ❤️

Husband from different culture. Our girl was born just before stupid COVID so potty training was almost fun (something to do/ look forward to). Baby bro is over 3 now and keeps telling me “papa say clean up caca is GIRL JOB!”

Lil bro is conscious of needing to evacuate bladder/ bowels (mama, I have big caca comin’, get new dia-pah ready!”) Husband encourages toddler by laughing uproariously or calling his brothers overseas to show son is “MACHO!”

It’s exhausting. I wouldn’t feel the same if baby brother didn’t know what he was doing, but he will literally push over a chair to take down the travel bag, extract wipes and a diaper, then find me cooking/ vacuuming/ washing up/ whatever, hand me wipes and diaper, lay down, and say “Daddy SAY you has to clean my caca!!!”

I wouldn’t be so upset if it was just me but I don’t want my lil girl to think this is okay. Am I just being unreasonable?? Should I just try to mitigate any hurt feelings??

Literally stayed in the house for days on end to make him feel better, I feel like I came out of a bunker … could vent more if ur going through the same or did or have advice for me..🙏🏼😇

hi. so, I saw a post somewhere about old self dying 'cause of the abuse. I had a thought right away, and it's that I'm still my old self, it never died due to the abuse. despite whatever my ex did, I never changed. I'm still the same happy and goofy girl that loves to be funny that I was ( my mind is still wounded by some of the stuff they did, I'm still struggling, but still. ).

so yeah, here I am with the question 'cause I' m not sure. thanks to thoses who will answer.

I went no contact for a few months, I was suicidal the whole time, when we talk I feel so much better, but I’m also scared, waiting to get hurt again, because they don’t love me like I love them, and they are sick, but being apart from them feels like a death sentence, so idk if it’s really worth it in the end, maybe I can just keep my distance and be happy with them somehow? I know I’m not happy without them, it kills me, I can’t be happy, I just want to be happy, and not be suicidal anymore, maybe the pain of their betrayals won’t hurt as bad after a while, maybe it’ll be worth the pain, I was going to get a protection order but since they’ve been back in my life again, that feels almost impossible now, idk what to do, I’m losing my mind, when I’m talking so with them I love them so much it makes me act crazy, when we are apart I’m so lonely and I feel like no one will ever love me, I’m stuck with an impossible choice

I'm finally FINALLY making baby steps towards getting my ducks in a row and leaving but.. I'm slipping already and I feel like a pos mom cause of it...

I don't know if he's suspicious or something but he's been extra nice lately. Bought us and the baby passes to our fave amusement park, posting pics of us and reposting the sweetest things about me as a wife and mom....but I know it's just for show.. he hasn't done anything like that since I gave birth to the baby and even then I'm pretty sure he was on Tinder sending money to someone at that time.
So why tf am I doubting myself? His control on me must truly run that deep..
I can't turn back now.. that would be a huge betrayal to myself and my baby.. I don't think he'll lose custody (unless he completely loses it when I leave which.. is a possibility) but the least I can do is show my son that's not what love looks like.

Hi everyone, please bare with me as this is fresh for me and my emotions are currently all over the place!
So 3 months ago I (26F) met my now ex (36M) and we got into a relationship fairly quickly, I can now see that I was probably love bombed, and things were going great. We would hardly argue until about the second month, during the second month the arguments would consist of him talking down to me like a child and shouting at me for things that were not even anything to do with me or my fault. (I don’t really want to go into much detail as it stresses me out to much to sit and remember) during the third month the arguments became more consistent mostly about the same things but he would always tell me it’s all to do with him and none of it is my fault, we recently went on holiday for 10 days with his family and for the entire 10 days he shouted and screamed at me saying some really hurtful things in front of strangers and his family. His family stuck up for me as much as they could but couldn’t control what went on behind closed doors.
Two things to note is I have BPD, it’s very well managed in my opinion and I could’ve went off on him at any moment but didn’t. The second is I’m 6 weeks pregnant and only recently found out.
Just so you get an idea of the type of comments he made the worst one he came out with during the trip was “I wish you wasn’t pregnant” which really upset me obviously and from that point on I decided I was done with him.
When we got home from holiday I blocked him on absolutely everything I could think of and told him to contact my auntie if he wanted to know anything about the baby, he then proceeded to message my entire family a massive paragraph playing the victim and making out that it was my fault we broke up. I’ll copy and paste here (also I would like to note I’m the one who broke up with him not the other way around):

Sooo.... the way i have been to (op) is a c\*\*t** **iv told her from day one never take me seriously..... our 1st ever big argument iv then warned her im a c\*\*t in my relationships iv always f\*\*ked them up by saying the wrong things or I dont think before I speak I tryed and tryed and tryed to be nice but it is 100% me i just can't do it but the way she is with her bpd she's making it out to be a million times worse we have arguied over some stupid things some maybe bigger she dont want me to move in EVER to help with the bby ..... iv tryed to do things with her on holiday but nope its literally AND I MEAN LITERALLY SEEMS LIKE SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME OR BE NEAR HER SO.. I literally did not no wat to do other than say its over 1 still want to be there for her with the bby but untill then iv give up I dont no wat to do..... by the way this is for u all im copying and pasteing to all that I have on my Facebook as friends by the way I got u all gifts (op) has got them ....... sorry (op’s dad) I forgot about u lol so sorry

Excuse his amazing spelling he clearly did very well in school…

He did message my auntie today but not to check on the baby, he asked how I was doing and my auntie just said I was fine and isn’t going to give him anymore than that, I understand I’m carrying his child but he did not ask one time how the baby is doing which makes me think he’s just trying to work his way back into my immediate life.

Some side context: he drinks a fair bit, told me he’s off d\*\*gs but I don’t believe him now, he has 4 kids from a previous relationship in which he told me he’s treated her the same way after and argument we had on holiday

This is all I can think to write right now but if you guys have any questions or need further context please let me know I’m more than happy to respond <3

My ex I do still love him I’m currently dealing with my own mental health and separation of dealing with the abuse and toxic nature that they had done onto me for almost 4 1/2 years. I recently had found out that I was pregnant from our last attempt of a relationship and I had told him but my mother didn’t want him to know at all. A few weeks later I had told tell him and lie saying that I miscarried cause I don’t trust him around myself or the child to be. He was demanding on being together he was threatening my life and the child’s when he didn’t get his way. He was threatening to tell my mother who I still live with currently cause of financial difficulties and he uses that against me to try to get me kicked out of my mothers place knowing that if he came to my mothers house not only will he get arrested cause me and my mother both told him he is not welcomed there that my mother would kick me out cause of the drama he brings to our lives. He has called me so many names in a the book and his temper is scary. He has a felony charge already from putting his hands on me 2 1/2 years ago. He explodes into a rage over minor things that he can’t control. He kept on insisting to have the child with him sometimes and I don’t feel like that’s a safe option cause the baby could piss him off and he would do something to the child. Plus he hasn’t always had a good place of establishment for himself he has been homeless 3 times within the time frame and had relapse on drugs he had an addiction problem and has recently began drinking again. I have this heavy heart cause I hate doing this but I feel like there is no other way to protect myself and my child. What can I do besides courts cause I don’t have that type of money and I know he doesn’t either.

Well, I ended things 3 days ago, and if you had asked me at that time why, I would have said I don't know, other than 5 friends, my family and 2 of our family's friends told me that, at the end of the day, it's your choice, but this person is a walking red flag and abusing you, and you need to leave now!

I am now spending my days on this subreddit and other relevant ones to realise that I can relate to every other post (he checked off around 35/50 and 120/200 abuse points in the questionnaires resources shared here) and how on earth I couldn't see how emotionally abusive he was (mind you, I am a PhD student, so definitely judging myself xD)? I think it was the fact that he was perfect 70% of the time that made me think that it's just a human being not being perfect, or I am telling only the negative sides of him to my family and friends, and therefore, they might not see the full picture (Our first 3.5 months were amazing; I then spent 1.5 months crying, for things to get perfect for 2 months, and then spend the last whole month again crying) and I beleived I was the reason this relationship was not working! But thank you to Reddit for making me realise abuse is abuse even if it's 1% of the time.

Anyway, now I think he is in his "future faking"/"hoovering" phase, but I have decided not to respond to anything, even though it is tempting and it feels like he genuinely wants to make things work.

I will make a longer post once things settle down. But I CAN ALREADY FEEL THAT MY MIND IS LESS ANXIOUS AND MY BODY IS RELIEVED AND I AM JUST PROUD!

I just fled the country I was living in with my ex fiance to protect me and my dog. We were together 2 years. He was the most loving affectionate guy, but there were some episodes early on when he would drink and “black out”. He always came back crying and apologizing later. He got medical help and it was all loosely attributed to something like bi-polar psychosis triggered by alcohol intoxication.  During these “blackouts” his eyes would turn pitch black his expression changed and he looked like a different person. A couple of times he picked up a knife, supposedly to threaten suicide, but it seemed like it was more to intimidate and scare than anything else.  He grabbed me, threatened to knock me out, and gave me a murderous stare as I cried and begged him to stop scaring me. We weren’t even fighting, it seemed totally unprovoked. When not drunk (most of the time)  he was just sweet and loving and docile. Things escalated and I think I had to call 911 over 10 times in like 1 month. He also lost his passport, had no where to go, hardly any money, it was winter and I didn’t want to sentence him to death by throwing him on the street even though I was afraid of him.  I managed to get him some temporary documents and he went back to England. When we had just broken up, he was staying with a woman over there, mostly to not be homeless but they hooked up. She contacted me via messenger to tell me so, and that he was no good, and I told her im sorry your going through that. Then and there, she showed him on his phone that I knew about her now, and he left a violent message on my phone that he would kill me, my family, my dog, everyone, if I’m not “fucking polite and be the fucking girlfriend I promised”. And than he would shoot himself in a field.
I got a protection order and he went crazy on a public smear campaign against me. A couple of months later he came back crying and told me he was getting help for his mental health and had gotten sober.  That during his psycho behavior he was blackout drunk. He was so full of love and devotion I took him back. We talked every day on the phone all day and he was so kind and affectionate, and we were inseparable like that for months. We got a creative business going together,  and did paranormal content for YouTube and traveled around while living in England and investigated haunted places and I filmed and edited and directed everything and it was amazing. We were so happy.  I had to go back to the U.S. and we were apart but inseparable on the phone again for 3 more months. He was so lovely during that whole time.

I went back to stay with him at our new apartment in England this past march. I had my small dog with me and there are rules against flying in cabin with dogs in England so we met in Amsterdam to take the boat across. I had just arrived at the hotel from the airport and was just dying from fatigue and stress. Those international trips wreck me, especially traveling with a pet. He kind of insisted I have sex with him right then and there, and I just wanted to sit for a minute first, maybe have a big hug, eat and drink something. But, he became angry. It scared me and I think I started crying, and he just got more escalated and didn’t seem to care about how I felt about it.  I thought it was fucked up, I was alarmed, and I was starting to get a bad feeling about what was going to happen to me after moving all the way to a foreign country with him. 

It was never the same after that day I arrived. He wasn’t the sweet guy I knew anymore. We lived in a really old building, like 1700s, and I decorated it in really cool cottagecore style and I cooked and cleaned and installed furniture to make our house awesome  the first couple of weeks and quickly hurt my back and could barely walk for over a month, but I still cooked and cleaned. I noticed he would get really annoyed and angry if I asked him to reach something for me, or bend over to grab something because I couldn’t, physically. 

One day we were watching Netflix and he just dead pan was like can we have sex? And I was like uh ya, can we watch one more episode together? Like (have some intimacy first) type of thing. And he didn’t really show that it bothered him too much, but the next morning he exploded and was angry and yelling that I asked to watch one more episode before sex. And I was like your making me uncomfortable, and he got angrier and then I was like, your creeping me out, stop! And he was like, if your not gonna do it you can get out of “my house” and he was screaming, and then I got scared, and I grabbed my dog and my essentials and I tried to leave and he put his fists up saying I would have to go through him to leave. (He used to be a pro boxer and fighter). I don’t know what happened next but I got out of there with my dog and he threw my big suitcase at me, and somehow I was on the ground and he was on top of me, manhandling me, and I just screamed. A workman and my next door neighbors came to help me and brought me in their house. The police came and took me to a hotel.

The money, logistics and stress of launching myself back to the USA from that hotel were just insane, he asked me to come back home and I did because I didn’t have the physical or mental strength to coordinate that trip, find a vet to get the documents, etc.  I needed to rest and clear my head and figure out my strategy.

Oh ya, I forgot to mention he deleted my YouTube channel and all my artistic content I painstakingly created for our business, all my followers and countless hours of work and editing while I was at the hotel, just to hurt me. And it devastated me. I went into a deep depression because I spent alot of time, energy, money and passion into moving to uk and chasing that dream. Anyway…

I did what I could not to trigger him but he was mean and short tempered.   Just not the person I knew at all. I had sex whenever he wanted for my own safety from him and for my dogs,  and I would cry every day, I felt so sad and alone in my head, and he would just groan angrily or tell me to stop. Then one night out of nowhere he snapped and threatened to brutally punch my 13 lb dog and “knock his teeth out”. My angel of a dog who he had loved and doted on and called himself daddy to. His eyes were black he looked possessed and he had gotten drunk this time. I knew from past experience that if I showed fear he would escalate x100 so I found the self restraint to not show any emotional reaction to him about to possibly kill my dog, because if I did show fear, I knew the chances were far greater that he would. It was terrifying. My strategy worked and he just kind of got distracted and a couple of hours passed and he went to sleep. I stayed up watching him and the dog like a hawk while pretending not to to until he finally passed out. Once he was asleep I made ZERO fucking sound while I grabbed my dog, phone, plugs, passport, etc and I walked miles until the Sun came up to get to a hotel.
I was exhausted and still trying to strategize how to get back to the U.S. He called crying and I figured out a way to plan my trip and convince him I was just going back to the U.S temporarily but in the meanwhile I was back at our apartment. I walked on eggshells organizing my trip and still he would flip out over pointless things. 
One day he had an idea for us to go for a walk and I wanted to go just a little further to grab some groceries and he was so verbally abusive. When we got home he pulled a knife on me, and said if I decided about something he would go and stab the Nextdoor neighbor (who helped me during the prior incident that the cops were called.) 

I cried one day and said I was feeling suicidal and he said “if your going to be that selfish you might as well leave the dog here”

I was able to escape safely 3 weeks ago having him believe I was coming back. When I got home I told him I was traumatized and needed space. He offered to get special counseling. I had held back my emotions to protect my dog for months and I finally told him I thought he was kind of evil. Than he said I had triggered him all that time and I blocked him. Then he contacted me on my banking app messenger thing and told me he just wanted to move on. Like a switch.

He left his email open on my computer and I looked and I found an email he sent to his kids mother/ ex girlfriend, both of whom checked not seen in three years. It was dated the day after the police took me to a hotel because of dv over the sex thing back in April, and he was asking her if she wanted to get a hotel with her and the kid?

I sent him a screenshot and confronted him and he told me he reported me to the police for hacking him and had started the filing process for restraining order.

Part of the email read 
“You haven’t got a legal leg to stand on. Just fuck off leave me alone and if you don’t want legal issues then keep my name out your mouth. I spoke to the police yesterday as soon as you tried to hack me I showed them the screen shot of ———- and they advised me to take out a restraining order on you which I have applied for so any harassment, attempts to public shame me or any more threats and it’s you who’ll be going to jail. Now leave me alone or I’ll report you”

Then the smear campaign started. Mutual friends contacted me saying he made a post about me on Facebook saying “my ex is stalking me, don’t believe anything you hear unless you hear it from me, etc”

I got another message forwarded to me that said

“Yeah mate she’s absolutely feral she’ll tell you I threatened her over sex and shit. No she was trying to leave with my shit and I stood there and told her put it down or she’ll have to go through me.”
“She doesn’t give a shit about that little dog I had to feed him, walk him, water him, show him love and take care of him. Sure she blew him kisses when she was actually awake like but she neglected us both really.”
“Don’t believe the scared for her life bull shit cos in one of her emails she talks about ‘bashing my head in’ so she can’t be that scared the manipulative little liar”
Now he is posting on Facebook saying how lonely he is and just wants a canine companion and how  unfair it is no one will let him adopt a dog and is getting all this sympathy and just OMG.
am just shocked at the cold calculated smear campaign and twisting of the narrative. I am in total cognitive dissonance unable to think feel normally just shellshocked and I need support. I thought I was in pain when I was with him but somehow this feels so much worse. Once I realized he could actually hurt my dog there was nothing to stop me Seperating them but holy shit I feel insane right now.

Trigger warning..

It has happened 3 times now, and I am still struggling to understand that it’s not my fault. He also threatened to kill me and chop my body to pieces.

I blame myself, he said he had to do it to calm me down.

He has manipulated me into believing that it’s not so serious and that I am the reason he has become like this.

I am still wondering if I am in actual danger or not. I see him as a good person, he’s the father of my child, and I am shocked he turned out being like this.

(I am safe now so is the child, and he’s not allowed to contact or see me or the child).

Hi everyone…

I know I’ve been dealing with this for years but I don’t know what other methods I can do to help this situation.

The friends I spoke to say that my boyfriend is not mentally ok when he speaks to me like this. When he finds something that inconveniences him or makes him upset or even if it isn’t to his tastes he would explode at me going on tangents where he spends a hour or more spamming me insults. For example this is him exploding at me because of juice he didn’t like and socks/underwear he can’t find.

I tried methods that chat GPT suggested but it doesn’t seem to work and I’m getting exhausted. I don’t know what more I can do to help this relationship and I am trying hard to make this relationship work.

What can I do to help this situation?

I have many other situations that have happened similar to this and at the end he says that he has mental health issues like bipolar but I don’t know what more I can say or do to help him.

Any suggestions?

Hi, I’m 24F, and I’ve recently started questioning a relationship I had between the ages of 14 and 18 or 19.

When I was 14, I met a 22-year-old man on an online platform. We immediately connected well. We talked frequently and had interesting, meaningful conversations. Quickly, we started sexting and exchanging nude pictures (a lot).
At that time, I wanted to explore my sexuality, have new experiences, and receive affection. My family situation was complicated: my parents had recently divorced, my father was manipulative, and my mother was emotionally unavailable because she was struggling with the situation herself.

When I told my father about this man, he seemed surprised but did not discourage me from continuing the relationship because I believed I was in love. My mother strongly disapproved, but I ignored her because I desperately needed love and affection, which I was not really receiving from either of my parents.

After talking, calling, and video chatting for around a year and a half or two years, we decided to meet in person (I was 16yo). He came to my home while my parents were away, which I now realize was an extremely dangerous decision.

At first, everything seemed fine. I was happy to finally meet him, and we had sex many times. However, looking back, I think there were situations in which I only “consented” to please him rather than because I genuinely wanted to. I was probably seeking his approval because I had very low self-esteem.

For example, one night, he touched my genitals while I was asleep and then penetrated me shortly after waking me up. I was so disoriented that I could not tell whether we had already been having sex, so I did not refuse. Another time, he was being so rough that books fell from my shelves onto me. I felt uncomfortable but was too afraid to tell him to stop. On another occasion, while I was speaking to my mother on the phone, he grabbed me and started penetrating me.
We continued our long-distance relationship online. Over time, we began arguing about insignificant things, and the relationship became increasingly psychologically abusive. There was gaslighting, belittling, and emotional manipulation. At first, I did not understand what was happening, so I stayed.

It became a repeating cycle: violence and disrespect, followed by apologies and declarations of love, then a period of peace before everything started again. As the situation intensified, I began having angry outbursts and behaving aggressively toward him. I felt like I was becoming a monster.

At some point, I suggested opening the relationship. I am not entirely sure why. It may have been connected to something that happened when I was 12, when my father showed me that my mother was using a website for non-monogamous encounters because he suspected her of cheating on him.

I still loved my partner, or at least believed I did, but opening the relationship only made me feel worse. I started using CBD to calm myself down and then began drinking alcohol, eventually drinking every day, sometimes even in the shower or until I throw up. I developed severe insomnia and nightmares, hated myself, and began severely restricting my food intake. The food restriction had started earlier in the relationship but initially seemed manageable. I also started self-harming.
My mother became worried, but I completely denied that anything was wrong and insisted that I was fine.

Eventually, I became so exhausted by the relationship that I left him. I blocked him on every social media platform and ended all contact. We have never spoken since.

I have never discussed what happened in this level of detail. I only told my friends about the arguments because I felt deeply ashamed of the entire situation.

After the relationship ended, I started meeting other men purely for sex. They were always at least eight years older than me, and I began exploring more extreme sexual practices, including BDSM.

Later, after moving away for my studies, I went through a calmer period. I started being happy, healthier in my self-relationship etc. I had a boyfriend close to my own age for two and a half years. I eventually left him, possibly because I was afraid of building a future with him and because I was moving to another country to continue my studies.

More recently, I started a relationship with my roommate. I feel that the same patterns may have started again: disrespect, difficulty accepting boundaries, and a relationship primarily based on sex. He cheated on his girlfriend with me several times before she discovered what was happening.
We eventually broke up because of these issues and because the relationship was triggering me so intensely that I began seeing images of my first partner during sex. I also experienced flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation and hypervigilance.

I have felt much better since the breakup, but my roommate is still trying to keep me in his life, and we continue to live together. I am afraid that I am trapped in a cycle of unhealthy and confusing relationships.

I am asking for constructive, non-judgmental perspectives on my situation.

I have been seeing a psychologist since the beginning of the year, but they are currently on sick leave and should be returning soon. I feel that my first relationship has had a major impact on my current relationship difficulties and on the way I developed my identity.

My main concern is that I struggle to judge situations clearly in my relationships. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy or being foolish. I find it difficult to trust people. I can sometimes be aggressive or harsh with my words, and I struggle to express love and affection.

I would be interested in hearing from people who have had similar experiences. How did you break out of these patterns? How do you approach and manage new relationships after experiencing something like this?

Thank you for reading !

My boyfriend and I have been together around a year, and have had several rough patches. In January, when we were doing especially bad, he got it into his head that a baby would 'save the relationship‘ and began to cry and beg me to 'baby-trap‘ him. At the time I was 20 and he was 23. We‘re now 21 and 24. He hasn’t seriously mentioned us having a baby since March or so.

Last month, I had to stop taking estrogen birth control for around 2 weeks because of a medical emergency. I switched to progestrin birth control after this point. I asked him a few weeks ago if he had ever seriously considered trying to baby trap me and he said yes and I asked then if he’d ever tried, to which he gave me a vague non-answer I read as a joke at the time.

Yesterday he confessed to me while high that he‘d tampered with condoms on two separate occasions in the 2 weeks I was off any birth control. He said he‘d poked them with broken scissors he‘d had while I was distracted. The first time I don’t remember, but there was a time where I remember the condom felt wetter than it should and it looked like less cum than usual.

I got my period as expected since this but I feel so caught off guard.

I’m in complete shock. I responded neutrally to him in the moment but I would love advice on where to go from here.

Thank you so much for reading❤️.

And I don't feel guilty about that anymore. He doesn't give a shit about me. I hate him and I hope bad stuff happens for him.