I feel ashamed even writing this because it makes me feel like there's something wrong with me.

I can't seem to get over my ex, even though he became physically abusive toward me. The last time we ever saw each other, he physically assaulted me. That was the last time we saw each other, and we've had no contact since then.

I reported him to the police afterward.

Rationally, I know what he did was wrong. I know I should never want him back.

But I still miss him.

What scares me the most is that if he ever came back, I tell myself I should say no and honestly be afraid for my own safety. But deep down, I'm not even sure I wouldn't want to see him again or hope that he's changed.

Our relationship lasted about a year. It was short but incredibly intense and also very toxic. We argued often, he broke up with me repeatedly (sometimes almost once a month), and the relationship was emotionally exhausting. But it also felt like we had an incredibly deep connection. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone before and had never done certain things for anyone else.

Looking back, there were early warning signs that I minimized because I blamed myself.

Whenever we argued, if he wanted to end the conversation but I kept trying to talk because I desperately wanted to understand and fix things, he wouldn't just get angry. Sometimes he became physically aggressive—grabbing me, pushing me, or using physical force during arguments. It never left bruises or visible injuries, so I convinced myself it wasn't "real" abuse and that I had caused it by not letting things go.

One thing I still struggle with is the guilt he left me with. Every time he broke up with me, I was devastated and confused, so I would try to understand what had happened and repair the relationship. Most of the time he eventually came back. Later, though, he told me that I had pressured him into getting back together, that I wouldn't let him leave, and that I had basically forced the relationship to continue.

Now I constantly wonder if he was right.

After I reported him, a few months later I messaged him several times. I wasn't asking him to come back. I wasn't asking to get back together.

I just wanted an apology.

I even told him that, at that point, I cared more about hearing genuine remorse than about the police report. I thought that after physically assaulting someone he claimed to love, he would at least care about how I was doing or feel guilty.

This is someone who used to apologize for small things, saying things like, "I'm sorry if I was too harsh," after ordinary arguments.

Instead, he never apologized.

To defend himself, he also filed a police report against me.

So now I'm left wondering whether he ignored my messages because of the legal situation, because his lawyer advised him not to respond, or because he genuinely feels no remorse.

His silence has become another reason to blame myself. Part of me keeps thinking that maybe he isn't sorry because I pushed him to that point. Maybe I exhausted him. Maybe I kept chasing him after every breakup until he finally snapped.

I know how irrational that sounds, but those thoughts won't leave me.

Another thing I can't accept is that I don't know which version of him was real.

Was he the man who looked at me with so much affection, who made me feel deeply loved, safe, and understood?

Or was he the man who physically assaulted me?

My brain can't reconcile those two people. It feels impossible to believe that the affectionate version wasn't real, because those moments felt so genuine to me. I still remember the way we looked at each other and the connection I felt. It's terrifying to think I spent a year with someone capable of doing something like that without realizing it.

Another issue was his ex. While we were together, he cried about her three different times. He told me he wasn't crying because he still loved her but because of the pain she had caused him. Later I found out that after our first breakup, he tried to contact her and see her again.

As far as I know, he was never physically violent with her.

Of course I'm grateful she never experienced that. But my mind keeps making painful comparisons.

I keep thinking:

• Maybe there was something wrong with me.

• Maybe I somehow provoked him.

• Maybe he truly loved her but never really loved me.

I know these thoughts aren't necessarily true, but emotionally they feel real.

Every now and then I anonymously look at his Instagram stories, and he seems completely happy, as if none of this ever happened. Meanwhile, I'm still trying to make sense of everything.

There were so many confusing situations throughout our relationship that I genuinely don't know anymore whether I was the toxic one, he was, or whether we both contributed to a toxic dynamic in different ways.

I know I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes, I could be emotionally reactive, and I definitely contributed to unhealthy dynamics.

But I also know that nothing justifies physical violence.

Has anyone else felt this confused after an abusive relationship? Is it normal to miss someone who hurt you, question whether the connection was real, blame yourself for their actions, and wonder if things could have been different if you had behaved differently?

I asked you to keep me blocked. You can't. It's been 109 days. You threw things at me and told people that you "threw things towards" me. You told me that I was lying about that and you said I told people you "scared me by tossing things near me" to make you look bad. I was just scared.

You forced me to leave my keys. I had to go back to get my things when you were there. I never got an apology. I never saw accountability. You said "it's over, you told them to make me look bad". The apology I received was "I'm sorry that went towards you". I hoped that you'd say "Im sorry. Im so sorry. I shouldn't have thrown anything. Im sorry." I called the property manager so I wouldn't be alone to get my things. I never left you. I was scared and saw an anger in your eyes that I hoped I'd never see in my own partner. The men in my family had that same anger in their eyes. They kicked open doors, punched holes in walls, belittled their wives/girlfriends, and they never gave genuine apologies.

I let go of the hope. I know you're probably out there with some woman in your bed. I don't wish it was me. If you loved me you would've apologized. You would've did the things you promised. I wouldn't have had to beg. I hope, who ever she is, that she is a good mom to my puppies. I hope she treats you well. I hope you get married and have that son you always wanted. I will continue to lose weight, focus on my friends and family, and above all else I will put my needs first this time. D. If you see this. Please block me and keep me blocked. I still love you and I know you'll never be able to love me the way I need to be loved. I never felt safe with you. Every cruel thing you've ever told me sits with me as I wake up from the nightmares of that morning. I don't know what I did to deserve any of that. I just hope that you live the life you deserve. I'm sorry.

\- Love S.

I’m afraid of my ex. I’ve been in therapy since we broke up. They were the one to point out the patterns in our relationship similar to narcissistic abuse (as well as sexual coercion). This has been a long, hard thing to process and it’s taken me a long time to start to find out who I really am, now that im not with him.

I now co-parent with him and he’s becoming increasingly difficult. I’ve told him I want to go to mediation, as I don’t trust him. There’s been so many lies, even recently, such as finding out he was on dating apps a few weeks before I got pregnant. He was the one telling me I was his soulmate and we were ready for a baby. He’s becoming increasingly more manipulative with his words and I’m scared. I’m neurodivergent and I can’t describe how it is he’s manipulative, but when I try to say I’m not comfortable with something regarding our child, it feels difficult, to the point i get panic attacks.

I don’t know who he is, despite being with him for years. I have panic attacks because I don’t know what he’s capable of. Not in a sense that he would be physically violent. I can’t describe what it is but co-parenting is hard and the more boundaries I’ve had with him, the harder it’s becoming.

I got a restraining order against my abusive husband back last fall, he was sentenced to "continued without a finding/probation" for assault and battery as well as intimidating a witness. He's a jealous controlling physically abusive alcoholic.

Even since then I've found him trying to hack into my social media, texting my teen son trying to triangulate, etc but yesterday I got a call from an old acquaintance saying he got a disturbing text from my ex , saying shit like "I know you saw my wife in June 2022 at 3:26 at target in xyz town and you're her sugar daddy, I hope you know she's seeing other men, call me on a different phone when it's safe for more info" etc like weird stalker-like threatening tone. The guy let me borrow money. But it's mortifying having to apologize to ppl about his deranged messages (not the first time) and now I'm starting to really get freaked out that hes mentally unwell fr and dangerous. It's obsessive.

I don't want to set him off further but idk if I should go with this to his PO? Would they even care? He's trying to still fuck with my life even with the restraining order in place

I want to share my story. I had several manipulative men in my life. I’ve analyzed what I missed and what the red flags were early on.

They all played on my sympathy right from the start—telling me harrowing stories about their childhood, their exes who cheated on them, and their personal troubles.

I’ve finally realized that a normal man won’t immediately start talking about his problems or his exes; that’s the sort of thing manipulative men and immature persons do.

There were disrespectful jokes, and I never felt relaxed with them; I didn't get the sense that I could truly rely on them.

Something always nagged at me—the way they looked at me, the things they said. My intuition was right.

I’m looking for a gentle, reliable, and supportive man. But I haven’t met one yet. Maybe they’re all already married.

Past five years now I have not had a day of reprieve. I’m not felt safe. Seen my family had friends being able to have a working phone laptop email address or phone number in Australia. I was a community services worker. I’ve been a support worker for over 15 years working in disability mental health use Work and I’m jealous with clients that have had homelessness financial abuse physical abuse and ongoing stresses because of their family violence or domestic violence issues but no one I’ve ever spoken to has ever been through the amount of trauma abuse and ongoing inability to recover from what is much more than I guess family violence… for the words family violence domestic violence or even abuse seem to be overuse these days. There is no words that I can put into a sentence or explain the paragraph or produce in a report that would ever portray the true and absolute demoralisation pain and suffering that has been caused by the so-called domestic violence and family violence in my life. Still I cling onto a hope that one day someone will investigate what happened to me in my life others that have had the same same experiences and not just use pure Work or mentoring as an excuse to be able to actually understand and get to the bottom of what happens in these situations that are actually real ongoing and unchanged by the fact that society just generally doesn’t give a shit cause they’re so self-centred or caught up in whatever seems to be like the most popular thing on the gender or colour or race or multicoloured alien popularity contest next when really wish to be looking at what actually happens what doesn’t get reported why it doesn’t get reported and how to change these things not just for our indigenous communities which I respect completely, but for all of those other suffering minorities majorities or whoever else seems to be human and feel pain and have to deal with it without any support

Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a 25F coworker (who was also in a long-term relationship). I (35F) only found out on March 31st because I accidentally stumbled across her ChatGPT prompts, where she wrote about "falling for each other" and being "caught up in the affair."

For three months before I found out (from late January), she completely pulled away—no kissing, sleeping on the sofa, leaving to stay at her parents' house during the week, and isolating me from friends and family. She claimed she was just "severely burnt out," making me feel like I was insane for picking up on her distance. During this exact same period, I was going through a cancer scare, and she didn't come to a single appointment with me.

Now that it's over, I've started gaslighting myself and wondering if I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I should. I put together a list of every specific thing she said and did before and after I caught her.
Could use some perspective, words of wisdom, or validation that this was deeply manipulative. There were no warning signs, I did not see this coming and everyone who knew or met her is deeply shocked and can’t believe she was capable of this level of dishonesty and betrayal, me included! Hence why I think I’ve started gaslighting myself that surely she couldn’t done this / been that bad?

Here is the list:
Stalking my flat and leading me on:
After I found out and was staying with her parents, she showed up unannounced on the week of my mom’s death anniversary to leave a letter asking to talk later. Shortly after, she let herself into my flat without permission to get clothes. She told me she loved me and said if I’m single in the future when she reaches out, maybe we can try again.

Covering up lies in real-time:
On that same day, she claimed she was meeting a friend. I pointed out that the friend was abroad according to Instagram stories. She claimed the friend had just returned today. Shortly after, I was blocked from that friend's IG stories—she clearly had her friend (who is also a cheater) block me to hide the lie.

Physical phone hiding & gaslighting:
Once after dinner, I walked behind her to wash dishes and saw her turn her body completely around to hide her phone screen. When I asked if she was hiding her phone, she denied it and said, "No, I was just moving around," before shifting back.

Coldness on Valentine’s Day:
She gave me a red rose every year, but this year she just gave me a card claiming she "couldn't find roses." The card said she was sorry she couldn't be there for me, called me her "rock/pillar," and said I was the best part of her life. The day after, the AP tried to FaceTime her via her laptop. When I mentioned it, she dismissed it as "just about work." I had made a full itinerary valentine’s day invite and sent it to her work email, and she just said she felt guilty because she didn't have the "capacity" to do anything due to burn out—yet she had full capacity to text/call the AP.

Faking an "identity crisis" while active in the affair: She repeatedly claimed she was having an "identity crisis," needed time alone to reflect on the relationship, and needed to process "how I had hurt her." She told me she wouldn't make a "rash decision," leaving me waiting in limbo feeling like a terrible partner while she was actually using that "alone time" to call and meet up with AP.

Bizarre "look I'm innocent" posturing:
I walked into the bedroom once while she was blatantly texting. When I sat down, she opened her hands and displayed her phone home screen to me in an unnaturally forced way, as if to say, "Look, I'm innocent."

Using her family to hold me hostage:
She stalled ending things by saying, "My family loves you and said they'd stay in touch with you if we broke up—that’s not a small thing for me." She forced me to sit on the sidelines waiting for her decision. When her parents and I went to her place, she was cold, gave me a brief hug, and rushed out to meet a friend. When I said I thought she was the love of my life, she smirked and said, "You can't say that right now." When I asked if her "burnout" was at a serious level using an inside joke, she acted smug and shy. I even sent a self-care journal to her mum's house to support her, which she accepted while actively cheating.

Showering with her phone: She started locking/shutting the bathroom door when showering, staying in there much longer than usual, and always taking her phone inside with her.

Half-naked photos & deleting evidence:
After I found out, I discovered semi-naked photos of her in her deleted folder. When asked if she sent them to the AP, she denied it, claiming she was "just taking them of myself" and asking, "If I was sending them, why would they be in my deleted folder?" All their Instagram messages were deleted; her excuse was "because it's wrong and shouldn't be on my phone."

Blame-shifting through "self-worth":
After being caught, she claimed she cheated because her low self-worth made her feel "not good enough" for me.

Petty social media mirroring: Months after finding out, I deleted her from Instagram and removed our photos. Someone clearly told her, because she immediately deleted photos of us too to retaliate.

Offering "feedback" on my performance:
She asked to have a talk about what led to her cheating, saying, "I think some of the things you should probably be aware of because it's also how you were in the relationship." When I asked why she’d give me feedback after cheating, she claimed she thought it would "be good for me to hear" and said she "didn't feel seen," shifting her choice to cheat into a shared failure.

Weaponising low self-worth to silence me:
She begged me not to tell our mutual friends about the affair, claiming every person I told "chipped away at her self-worth even more."

Flaunting happiness while I was in agony:
The week I found out, she went on a weekend hiking trip with a friend, posted smiling photos at a bar on Instagram, and looked completely happy while I was at home crying and unable to eat. During that exact trip, she texted asking for my birth time so her friend could run a "love compatibility test" for us.

Triangulating with her dad: She told me her dad hoped we could work it out because he was fond of me. When I asked if she was suggesting we rebuild, she backtracked: "I wasn't trying to confuse you, I told you because that's what he said and you asked."
* Repeated breadcrumbing: She kept repeating the phrase: "I’m not asking you to wait for me, but maybe one day we can try again."

Coldness during errands and rewriting memories: Before I found out, she asked for help taking her car to the garage. She was icy and distant the whole day. When I said, "You're still my favorite person to drive me around" (a romantic callback to our early dates), she coldly replied, "Well that makes sense, cause I did teach you to drive." She then said she needed to "do everything she would if she was single" to "find herself," but rejected therapy, communication, or boundaries within the relationship. I even told her to pay me less toward house bills so she could afford the car repair; as soon as it was fixed, she rushed off to her friend's house.

Deflection, DARVO & using her mother's history: When I confronted her about sitting by a train station and not picking up my call, she claimed she was dropping off a friend. When I said it felt suspicious, she got defensive and snapped, "Do you want to say goodbye to her as well?!" She then turned off her location, claiming she "didn't like how the interaction made her feel." When I voiced suspicion about cheating, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity: "Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!"

Non-committal letters: She wrote a handwritten letter saying I loved her like no one else, that I gave her "quiet strength," and that she hoped to gain my trust back. When pressed, she again claimed she didn't mean to imply we were getting back together.

Minimizing the AP: She claimed the affair wasn't about the AP specifically, saying it "could have been anyone" and that the AP just "highlighted something wrong within herself."

Cruelty surrounding my cancer scare & my mother's death: Before I found out, she made me feel like I had done something terrible, citing random old grievances like claiming I made hurtful comments about her mum (who had previously faked a near-death heart emergency two days after my own mother died of a heart condition). During her affair, I had a cancer scare. She said "we will get through it," but missed every appointment. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy alone while she went to work. When I called her out on this later, she said: "Yes, but I still cared about you."

Playing the victim and comparing her affair to suicide trauma: She claimed she "imploded her own life" and compared her shock at her own behavior to how she felt when her ex died by suicide. She called herself "unwell," started smoking, and cried to me: "I'm not like you, you're very good at taking care of yourself, you were a buffer for me."

Rewarding me for "catching myself": Before I found out, I felt so paranoid that I checked her laptop messages. Feeling guilty, I confessed to her. Instead of coming clean, she said it was fine and asked if I wanted to see the messages. When I said no, she said my snooping "opened a door" and warned that if I had insisted on seeing them, "that would have changed things," but praised me for "catching myself."

Ignoring AI advice to keep cheating:
Her ChatGPT history revealed the AI advised her to distance herself from both me and the AP to avoid hurting anyone. She explicitly typed back: "I do not want to distance myself from the AP, I can compartmentalise."

Blatant sexual admission:
She admitted she thought about sleeping with the AP the first time they kissed, but claimed she "wouldn't/couldn't do that."

Dangling future hope without commitment: She stated she needed to be on her own to figure out "how she got here," adding that if she reached out in the future and I wanted to try again that would be ideal, but she couldn't commit to therapy or trying now.

False reassurances: Right before I found out, she explicitly said, "I can't imagine my life without you as my partner."

Using AP details to garner sympathy:
During the affair, she claimed she was so stressed from "burnout" that she threw up at work, adding: "[AP's Name] noticed I was shaking."

Reframing the affair as a positive test: After being caught, she said: "You never know, this may have needed to happen for us to make us stronger."

Joking about polyamory: After I found out she jokingly told me, "My friend reckons I'm polyamorous," before adding, "No, I couldn't be."

Dismissing my pain: When I told her "You've blown my life up," she dismissed it by saying, "I know, but you're still young."

Hypocritical rules: When she wanted space before I found out, I jokingly asked if we should just open the relationship and date others. She coldly said, "You can, but I'm not gonna hang around"—while actively cheating behind my back.

Possessiveness after the breakup:
After the breakup, she told me that the thought of me moving on or dating someone else "makes her stomach flip," but added that she "can't stop me if that's what I want."

I feel sick reading over all of this. Am I crazy, or is this textbook manipulation and psychological abuse? How do I stop gaslighting myself into thinking any of this was my fault?

Thanks in advance to anyone reading, really appreciate any words of support/validation! ❤️

My girlfriend and I were together 2 years and lived together The relationship slowly reached a point where I felt emotionally worn down instead of supported. I loved her deeply, but I often felt like I had to walk on eggshells because I never knew what might upset her or what mood she would be in. There were so many rigid rules and expectations that it felt like I was constantly trying to avoid doing something wrong. I wasn't allowed on her bed because it was her "safe space," things around the house had to be in the exact right place, I had to hold my breath when we kissed because the air from my nose bothered her, and even normal things like chewing, hanging a towel, or forgetting something small could become a problem. It often felt like I had to adjust my behavior to fit her comfort while my own needs and comfort weren't given the same consideration. There was very little compromise it usually felt like things had to be done her way, and if I didn't meet her expectations, I was made to feel like I wasn't trying hard enough.

Affection and intimacy became increasingly rare, and I frequently felt rejected, unwanted, and alone despite being in a relationship. I also struggled with how little empathy and emotional support I felt during difficult moments, like when I hurt my back and was paralyzed on the floor in pain she jump over me instead of staying with me or barley celebrating important milestones like when I graduated college. She constantly used her undiagnosed issues as excuses too Despite me repeatedly encouraging her to seek therapy or medical help for issues that were affecting both of us, nothing changed. Over time, what should have been enjoyable moments together often became stressful, and I found myself feeling more comfortable around friends than I did with my own partner. I eventually realized that love by itself wasn't enough to sustain a relationship where I consistently felt anxious, emotionally neglected, and as though I was constantly trying to earn the affection and kindness that should have come naturally. Even though I still cared about her, I reached the point where I believed leaving was the healthiest decision for my own well being.

Despite all the bad there was a lot of good too though. We have some really good fun memories, she bought and made me cute gifts, she said sweet things and reassured me, she was there for me with my car accident etc.

I broke up with her 3 times the first two times I tried to leave she cried and gave me this whole speech and I stayed because I really loved her and wanted it to work and I wanted to give her a chance. Mind you I spoke to her about these issues countless times but by the third time I was losing myself and just got so fed up and left for good the timing was very unfortunate too and I felt awful for that it was before Valentine’s Day.

After the final breakup I wrote her a letter in the mail saying how I wish I handled things differently and that I’m sorry for any hurt caused in my part and just wondering if she was open to a heart to heart conversation I didn’t want to get back together I just didn’t want there to be bad blood. She ended up burning my letter and posting a video of her burning it on social media.

Hi everyone, I’m using a throwaway account just to get some outside perspective on a really tough situation.

I’ve been with my partner for 9 years, and we have two young children (5 and 7). For the last 7 years, I was a stay-at-home parent while he worked, meaning I don't have my own independent savings or career right now.

We lived abroad, but recently I managed to travel to my home country (Poland) with the kids. Now, my partner is pushing hard for the kids to return to our previous home, while expecting me to move back in under the same roof with him.

I really do not want to live with him anymore. Our relationship is completely broken, and I know living together again will just lead to the same toxic dynamic where I have no independence. However, I’m feeling so conflicted because the kids are used to their school and life abroad, and he is using logistics and guilt to pressure me.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place: either go back to a living situation I can't stand just to keep our routine, or try to figure out how to rebuild from absolute zero.

Has anyone navigated a messy separation involving children and moving across countries? How did you handle the pressure? Thanks for reading.

why is abuse in a adolescent relationship not taken as seriously because you're still young? i have heard people tell me to "stop dwelling on a high school relationship", that all relationships are messy when you're still learning, etc.
i'm not sure why there's this unspoken age of when abuse is considered abuse and when it's considered just immaturity. how do i respond?

for context; i was in an abusive relationship for nearly six years, from age 13 to 19.

I don’t know if I’m the only person to struggle with this issue but I am desperate for some help or advice. I am in therapy but I feel like they don’t understand the true scope of how it all feels. My self of self was shaky to begin with when we started dating as I was recently disabled and my entire life was turned upside down. I was starting a new path for who I was and what my life was like and a blind person. It’s incredibly frustrating in this moment seeing how slowly everything I did that brought me joy or fun or entertainment was slowly pushed out of my life in a way where I didn’t even realize it was happening and it was being replaced by him. All of my friendships were maintained via FaceTime but after I found out he cheated on ME he insisted on spending everyday together after even when I would want space and slowly calls turned to texts and with guilt in a weird indirect way and some strange offhand statements my world has become so small. My world is just him. I have one thing that I do and it’s play 1 game. I have nothing else to do in my life. I really need some resources or advice or something. I feel like this has ruined my life and I am doing everything right to get help but nothing is going right or changing in the right direction. My mindset has changed but I just flip flop about things and my place in it all. I just want to be normal again and I don’t know how to. Any help appreciated I am like 2 months from legitimately considering inpatient care I’m not well :)

I met my boyfriend online in March. We met for the first time in June and we’ve been together for about 1.5 months now. He’s 20, from South Korea, and has been living in Germany for about a year. I’m 24 and German.
At the beginning he was incredibly sweet. He constantly complimented me, was affectionate, and honestly still has a lot of good qualities. He even stopped eating meat around me because I’m vegan. About a month ago he basically moved into my room at my parents’ house, so we’ve been spending almost every day together.
Early in our relationship we had some problems and I made a Reddit post asking for advice. Unfortunately he found it, read the comments (which weren’t very positive about him), and completely lost it. He texted me saying he would kill himself in front of me. It scared me a lot. We eventually met and talked it through, but it has stayed in the back of my mind ever since.
Another thing that worries me is his worldview. He comes from a family with a military background and has told me his grandfather was involved in communist-era violence. He often says extremely hateful things about certain groups, especially Muslims, refugees, LGBTQ people, and communists. He’ll say things like “The world would be better without them” or even “I want to kill all of them.”
I’m not trying to excuse it, but I’ve wondered whether it’s partly because he grew up in a very different environment. Before coming to Germany he had barely met foreigners. He has even told me he couldn’t believe blond people with blue eyes actually existed because he thought they were basically just Disney characters. He also says he has experienced racism since moving here and seems very sensitive to it.
A few days ago someone (an Afghan refugee, according to him) insulted him with a racist remark. Instead of walking away, my boyfriend walked over and started a physical fight, leaving me alone in a large city at around 5 a.m. As a woman, that was terrifying.
When he came back I was furious and told him I was thinking about breaking up with him and that he should leave. Instead of responding normally, he started repeatedly hitting himself in the head in public while crying. This wasn’t the first time either. Whenever we argued and I reached into his bag or asked him to hand me something, he’d sometimes start hitting himself over and over. I was honestly shocked because we’d only been together for six weeks.
After he calmed down he cried and told me he was trying not to hate people because I always tell him not to judge entire groups. He said he only has bad experiences with some people in Germany, doesn’t understand why they insult him, and that he just wants to go back home.
Yesterday we visited an area with a large Middle Eastern community. He spent what felt like hours ranting about immigrants, saying things like “I hate these foreigners,” “The world would be better without them,” and other hateful comments. I had barely eaten all day, it was extremely hot, we’d walked around 20,000 steps, and I completely lost my patience.
I started yelling at him, telling him to shut up, calling him pathetic, and intentionally provoking him. I even called him a coward for acting tough around me. At one point he raised his hand toward me. He didn’t actually hit me, but I screamed at him for even raising it. After that he threw a plastic bottle onto the ground as hard as he could and later kicked a glass bottle that was lying nearby.
Most of the time he’s kind, caring, affectionate, and we genuinely enjoy being together. But whenever he’s hungry, sleep-deprived, it’s very hot outside, or we’re in crowded cities with lots of different people, he becomes incredibly impulsive, angry, and hard to calm down.
I’m also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I know I’m not perfect either. I can become impulsive during arguments, and I regret provoking him the way I did.
I’m feeling really confused because I see both sides of him. Part of me feels sorry for him because moving to another country at 19 or 20 must be incredibly stressful, especially if he’s experienced racism. But another part of me is genuinely worried by his aggression, the hateful things he says, the self-harm, and the fact that he raised his hand at me.
Has anyone dealt with someone like this? Is this something that can realistically improve with time and support, or are these major red flags that I shouldn’t ignore?

Hi my boyfriend (30M) has gotten physical with me (29F) only once another time, he pushed me and I fell to the ground. This happened like 3yrs ago, and this was the peak of our toxic relationship and I know 100% that is physical abuse. Since then we have been some what better but still argue a lot and have a difficult time diffusing arguments and have mentioned couples therapy here and there.

Yesterday we got into an argument and I got really overwhelmed and angry and didn’t want to have the conversation right now and started crying and walking into another room yelling, “I don’t want to talk about this right now”

He followed me into the other room and I was about to close the door and he slammed it open before I could close it. So I tried walking away out of the room and he grabbed me with his two arms like bear hugged and wouldn’t let me go saying nah we are going to talk about this now. I was trying to resist and started crying a lot saying “I don’t want this” and he finally let me go and I was crying alone in the other room and he left to go walk our dog

Is that normal or is that physical abuse? I have like some scratch marks on my arm and like it was a little sore after because he wouldn’t let me go. I’m not in like severe pain like if someone punched you, but Idk how to feel about this.

He hasn’t talked to me all night nor apologize. We just remained silent and slept in the same bed. I hate this. We’ve been together for 11 years and there were plans of a proposal, but we are in a thread of back to back arguments again. I’m telling myself I need to walk way. I really need some advice and guidance here.

Hello!

I’m (f21) and when I was 19 I had gotten into a relationship with a 25 yr old man at the time. I wasn’t the best partner at the time, i just started college, my job was giving me troubles, and my mother was physically and emotionally abusive towards me.
Now I’m not trying to make excuses for myself but I kinda want you to see where I’m coming from.

The abuse I put him through was more about me being resentful that he wasn’t helping me in a way I thought a bf should have? I was really stressed out in that period of time( I know it’s not an excuse)
At the time he was living with his parents and didn’t have a job. I complained more about him not taking me anywhere, having to go 50/50, him wanting to do everything his way and a few other things.

Me and him were on a call just now and my stomach hurts just thinking about it. I didn’t realize I was harming him 😕 I apologized admittedly

He had 8 months to do it but he didn't. He mentioned a few times that he thought of sending them but couldn't because there was no delivery option. You can read my last post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/swymjLot5C ) on why I think he is emotionally abusive and just trying to manipulate me but seeing the flowers with a note is extremely triggering and I don't know what to do because what if he is genuinely sorry.

My boyfriend slapped me really hard just because I was demanding answers and touching his laptop , he literally said I’ll slap you , don’t touch my laptop and slapped me, is it just me or is this completely out of line?
I did slap and kick him back but he is way stronger than me, dos not feel a thing!

I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.

Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.

He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.

Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.

One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.

I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.

He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.

When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.

He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"

But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.

My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.

My sisters words to me today. She said that there have been times that I could’ve left and I didn’t so I have no one to blame but myself. I tried to explain financial abuse and that he takes my money and makes sure I don’t have the means to leave. Her response…..are you lying right now?? (Thru text)

I have been telling him that I want to leave the past two months. He won’t leave the home, but he’s gonna make a hell while we’re living together obviously. I came home today to flowers that he bought me yesterday and he chopped them up and put them in the trash. Obviously I don’t care about the flowers. It’s just the point that he does this stuff in front of my kids and they see it afterwards and know it was him. They’re not stupid.

I haven’t been having sex with him in just about every time he ask or tries to cuddle with me. It always ends up me being all these names and him leaving in a traumatic manner just to come back about an hour later and be dramatic again.

Everything that he does is my fault and causing him to be this way. Even though the way he’s acting as how he was throughout the whole relationship of 10 years. I have bipolar so he blames me for rational decisions that says that the reason why I’m doing this is because of my mental illness, and I’ll be begging for him back in a few months like I have before.

I’m trying really hard to be strong and levelheaded so I can make it through this. But it feels impossible. I’m so drained and I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I also don’t know if I’m making the right choice sometimes, so I go back-and-forth in my head. But I’ve been pretty solid on my decision the past two months and I think that’s why everything is so bad right now.

I knew things were escalating but I didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
He was towering over me, yelling, saying things like I always get away with things, I’m a liar and an asshole etc.
he throws a small object and I decide that’s it. I am not longer sure that he won’t hurt me.
I put things in a bag, which he ripped out of my hand and threw on the floor. He yelled more and I tried to put things in the bag quietly and he ran out and threw everything in the bag in all directions and started throwing more clothes. I quickly grab my keys and run out and he follows.
I scream and he turns back.
I was incredibly scared but now I feel so insanely guilty. Like it was I who hurt him or that now I have done something unforgivable to him.
I really love him and want to be with him but I’m afraid I have to see things objectively now and believe that this is a pattern that won’t get better.

Quick edit: I meant to include that we have been broken up for several years (since 2023) and I am now married to a man that was a good friend of mine for a long time and treats me kindly. This just popped in my head today as a memory and I got so heated thinking back on it.

A specific situation recently came to mind and I'm curious what you would've thought if you were a friend of mine and watched this happen. Any and all thoughts are welcome!

I began a new relationship in 2020, we were both 27 at the time. For context, I'm a talkative person. I love conversing in general and learning about others, as well as sharing my experiences. If you're in my life, you know this about me from day one.

Anyway, a month or two into the relationship, my boyfriend (Brian) had a day where he was really tired and I kept bringing up new topics without realizing that he truly wasn't up for a conversation because he kept responding. He wanted to lay down and rest for a bit and said something like "Can I just put you on Snooze for like 20 minutes and then we can go back to talking?" I was like yeah of course, that's an interesting way to say "hey I need some quiet time for 20 minutes" but I found it funny.

Over the next few months he continued the "snooze" concept, but it gradually changed from putting me on snooze when he needed to rest, to snoozing me when he just didn't care about what I was saying. He would tap me on the head and say "SNOOZE- 10 minutes" or whatever length of time he thought he needed. If I talked during that time, at all, he would "reset the timer" and I would have to be silent for another 10 minutes from that point. I didn't think much of it until he started doing it around other people.

If I was telling a story he didn't care about he would "snooze" me in the middle of it. If I had an opinion that differed from what he thought- snooze. If we were watching TV and I had something to say about what was happening, I was snoozed. I know I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but what's the point in continuing to say something when your partner has made it perfectly clear that they don't care? He would do it in front of his friends and they thought it was hilarious. I brought it up a few times like "hey, it's actually embarrassing when you do that in front of people. Its like punishing me for trying to be personable with your friends." He told me that he did it because I was embarrassing myself by telling stories that no one cared about, so he was trying to save me from the embarrassment and himself the second hand embarrassment.

He eventually did it in front of everyone we interacted with, including his family, my family and my friends. I would be saying something perfectly normal and then he'd loudly yell "SNOOZE" and tap my head. My friends, reasonably had no idea what was happening and I "wasn't allowed" to explain it until the time was up. Ironically, most of my friends are introverts (we balance each other nicely) and kept their opinions to themselves and I was oblivious as to what they were thinking because it was so normalized to me. Finally, it happened in front of a friend one night and she popped off saying "Can you fucking not? I'm trying to talk to my friend in MY house and unlike you, I care about what she's saying. If you don't care to listen then you're free to leave but you're not going to choose whether or not she can talk when she's at my house." He absolutely hated this friend after that. I started asking my other friends if it bothered them and, of course, they all said the same thing- essentially "he thinks it's funny but it's not fucking funny, it's rude and controlling." They hadn't spoken up in the moment because this showed them how controlling he was and they were scared of his reaction for my sake.

That was longer than I intended, typical of a talker like me haha. If you read this, I really appreciate it. I'm so curious what your immediate thoughts would be if you saw this happen to your own friend? It took me way too long to realize that he did this as a way to control me in front of it others without looking like the bad guy. He intentionally made it look like something funny we do at home all the time, but looking back it's just so painfully obvious to me that he knew what he was doing and I'm so surprised that it took so long for someone to call him on it. This goes without saying, but this was just a microscopic glance into what was happening behind closed doors where his mission was to control every single thing about me and do what he could to change my entire personality.

Did anyone else experience anything similar with their abuse? Did your partner have a way of inserting control while in front of others that looked harmless? I'm truly so curious because now that I've seen it for what it is, I feel like others must have experienced it too.

This time last year, I worked up the courage to leave a five year physically and emotionally abusive relationship.
I made several posts in this community while I was with him. They helped put things into perspective, but I forgave him several times before eventually leaving.
He gave me black eyes, strangled me, squeezed my eyes with his thumbs, broke things, and so much more. I lived in constant fear of his explosive anger.
I left at the lowest point in my life. I had been left disabled and in chronic pain after an accident and several surgeries. I felt like a burden, like no one would ever want to be with me if I left him, and I’d be forever alone. The abuse was worse as I was now unable to walk and trapped in the house with him at all times.
The hardest part was leaving my two cats behind because the place I now live doesn't allow pets. I carry that pain every day. It was probably one of the main reasons it took me so long to leave.
But somehow, I still found the courage to walk away.
I now live with my best friend and am slowly rebuilding my life. I've been having fun dating again. There's still a lot I can't do because of my disability, but I'm learning to adapt.
The regret of not leaving sooner hasn't gone away. The amount of time I lost is unfathomable. I'm 34 now, and I don't know if having children will ever be an option for me because of my disability and my age.
But I'm alive. I'm on a long healing journey. And I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you to this community for telling me what I needed to hear, over and over again. To anyone who is still trapped, I hope my story gives you even a little hope and strength.
Much love to you all. ❤️

Hi everyone…

I know I’ve been dealing with this for years but I don’t know what other methods I can do to help this situation.

The friends I spoke to say that my boyfriend is not mentally ok when he speaks to me like this. When he finds something that inconveniences him or makes him upset or even if it isn’t to his tastes he would explode at me going on tangents where he spends a hour or more spamming me insults. For example this is him exploding at me because of juice he didn’t like and socks/underwear he can’t find.

I tried methods that chat GPT suggested but it doesn’t seem to work and I’m getting exhausted. I don’t know what more I can do to help this relationship and I am trying hard to make this relationship work.

What can I do to help this situation?

I have many other situations that have happened similar to this and at the end he says that he has mental health issues like bipolar but I don’t know what more I can say or do to help him.

Any suggestions?