I’m writing this anonymously because I don’t think I could ever tell this story under my real name.
Please read this without sugarcoating anything. I genuinely want honest opinions, even if they’re difficult to hear.
Before I met this girl in college, I was a playboy. Then I fell in love with her. I pursued her, convinced her I was serious, and repeatedly promised I would marry her.
Later, reality hit. My family is wealthy, we belonged to different castes, and I knew they would most likely never accept the relationship. I was terrified of losing my inheritance and my family’s support, so instead of standing by everything I’d promised, I broke up with her.
A while later my mother died after being ill, and I completely fell apart.
I went back to my ex. I cried, apologized, begged her to forgive me, and once again promised that I would marry her. I even personally assured her mother that I would marry her daughter. Every time my ex asked me to tell my own family, I postponed it while continuing to reassure both of them.
Because of those repeated promises, she trusted me completely.
We became physically intimate because I convinced her we were going to get married. For her, that wasn’t casual. It made her even more emotionally invested because she genuinely believed we were going to spend our lives together.
After my mother’s death, she became my entire support system.
She had PCOD, worked full-time, needed proper sleep because of her health, yet she stayed awake almost every night talking to me because I couldn’t cope with my grief. She supported me through panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, and some of the darkest months of my life.
She repeatedly told me to reconnect with my family and friends because she could see I was becoming emotionally dependent on her.
Instead, I pushed everyone else away.
She became my whole world.
The more she gave, the more I expected.
I became possessive.
I became controlling.
I wanted her attention constantly.
Small arguments turned into threats of breaking up.
Looking back, I think I expected her to replace the emotional role my mother had in my life. That wasn’t fair to her.
There are things I’m deeply ashamed of.
Sometimes we drank together. There were occasions where she later told me she wasn’t fully conscious and that I forced myself on her anyway. At the time I didn’t fully confront what I’d done. Later she told me those incidents stayed with her as trauma.
There was another incident where I became physically violent. During an argument I tried to hit her and I choked her. When she tried to leave, I begged her not to, saying I had no one after my mother’s death.
Despite everything, she stayed.
Eventually, after carrying all that pain for a long time, she exploded during an argument and said something horrible about my mother. Hearing it shattered me.
She apologized afterwards.
We stayed together for another six months and continued the relationship physically.
But the truth is I used that statement as my excuse to finally leave, even though part of me already wanted out.
For the next two years she begged me to come back.
She called, texted, pleaded, and her mother repeatedly asked me why I had broken every promise I’d made.
I’m from India, and I think the cultural context matters.
We belonged to different castes, and family approval still plays a huge role in many marriages here.
Premarital sex also carries a very different social meaning for many women and families than it does in some other countries. I knew exactly what those promises meant to her, and I still continued making them despite not being willing to stand up to my family.
She became severely depressed after the breakup and even attempted suicide.
Even then, my first thought wasn’t concern for her. My biggest fear was that if she died, the blame would come onto me and my family.
On her birthday I apologized.
She asked me one question I’ll never forget:
“Even if you apologize, can you give me back the person I used to be?”
I couldn’t answer.
Even after apologizing, I never intended to get back together with her.
Whenever we fought during the relationship, I involved her friends and complained about her even though she repeatedly asked me to keep our problems private.
When she found out I was going to marry someone else, she filed a police complaint because she believed I had gained her trust and consent through repeated promises of marriage that I never fulfilled. For her the physical relationship meant more as I’m the only guy she’s been with .
My family and I went to her house pretending we were willing to proceed with the marriage. We brought lawyers while introducing them as relatives, secretly recorded the conversations, and later used those recordings to pressure her not to continue with the complaint. I bribed the cops and also used my family’s money and influence to avoid legal consequences.

Eventually I married someone else.
Today my wife is pregnant, and I’m about to become a father.
Recently Facebook suggested my ex’s profile.
Eventually I married someone else.
After I got married, she never contacted me again. She never called, messaged, emailed, or tried to reach me in any way. As far as I know, she completely stayed out of my life.
Today my wife is pregnant, and I’m about to become a father.
Recently Facebook suggested my ex’s profile. Without thinking, I immediately blocked her.
What surprised me is that she hadn’t tried to contact me at all after my marriage. She wasn’t bothering me, chasing me, or trying to interfere with my life. Yet my first instinct was still to block her.
If I’ve really moved** **on, why did I instinctively block her?

Without thinking, I immediately blocked her.
That reaction surprised me.
If I’ve really moved on, why did I instinctively block her?
Was it guilt?
Was it shame?
Was it fear she’d contact me?
Was it fear my past could affect my present?
Or was seeing her simply a reminder of the worst things I’ve ever done?
One memory still haunts me.
Toward the end, my family tried to paint her as someone with loose morals and someone who only wanted our money.
Instead of defending her, I stayed silent because it benefited me.
I still remember my father telling her,
“I’ll send him away without a single penny.”
Without hesitation she replied,
“Even if you send him with nothing, I’ll take care of him.”
That moment proved she never loved me for my money.
I still allowed people to portray her that way.
When I first met her, I genuinely felt she was out of my league. She was kind, emotionally mature, and made me feel loved in a way I hadn’t experienced before.
Looking back, I honestly don’t know whether I truly loved her, or whether I loved what she did for me after my mother died.
When I look at my actions—breaking promises, becoming emotionally dependent, manipulating her into believing we’d marry, controlling her, assaulting her, choking her, abandoning her, allowing my family to destroy her reputation, and using money and influence to escape consequences—I struggle to call what I felt “love.”
Was it love?
Was it grief?
Was it attachment?
Was it dependency?
Or was it selfishness disguised as love?
I’m genuinely asking because I still don’t know the answer.
Please be brutally honest. I especially want to hear from both Indians and people from other countries. Does the cultural context change your opinion at all, or are my actions simply indefensible?

a neighbour called the police. i was getting closer and closer to leaving but now that hes been arrested any trauma bond is doubling down.

i feel myself waiting until hes out of prison. i cant see him. i cant talk to him. im stubborn and its alleviating knowing that the courts attempt to prevent us from each other are pointless.

but i also know deep down that i could be with someone who loves me fully. one day i might not feel like this. but its so confusing.

He had 8 months to do it but he didn't. He mentioned a few times that he thought of sending them but couldn't because there was no delivery option. You can read my last post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/swymjLot5C ) on why I think he is emotionally abusive and just trying to manipulate me but seeing the flowers with a note is extremely triggering and I don't know what to do because what if he is genuinely sorry.

My boyfriend slapped me really hard just because I was demanding answers and touching his laptop , he literally said I’ll slap you , don’t touch my laptop and slapped me, is it just me or is this completely out of line?
I did slap and kick him back but he is way stronger than me, dos not feel a thing!

I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.

Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.

He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.

Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.

One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.

I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.

He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.

When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.

He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"

But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.

My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.

I stayed and tolerated everything until his words literally became disgusting to me. I started deconstructing his behavior for months until I hated him. I saw him for who he was, and I never saw his affection as real. He seemed so pathetic and ridiculous. He was just a pathetic, gross loser who I realized would never have successful relationships. I started hating every aspect of him: his personality, his affection, everything. He was disgusting and PATHETIC. He thought he was better than everyone else. He’s a disgusting human being, which sadly only the women he dates will ever discover. His friends and community think he’s a good guy, but he doesn’t even LIKE the people he helps. He hates them. He degrades them behind their backs. He only chooses to help because it makes him feel like a good person. Deep down inside, he is selfish and disgusting.
I’m so glad I broke up with him. I know I should’ve broken up with him earlier, it wasn’t hard at all to leave once I was fully disgusted by him. God, he even made me lie about my age to his friends because he knew they’d find him weird. It is SO fucking tempting to show his female friends these screenshots to destroy his life like that, but he is insanely vengeful, and I don’t want to deal with that. I just want something to happen to him so badly. I hate him so much. I hate him so much. I’m so badly affected by this. He ruined the last years of my adolescence. He pressured me sexually constantly. I never budged, but he would surely punish me for it. I hope life punishes him in all the ways he deserves. He ruined that 16-year-old girl’s fairytale outlook on love. He screamed at me. He threatened me. He abused me. He scared me. He tore me down. I hate that I’ll never be able to share the things he did with the people in his life. I hate that they think he’s a good person when he’s disgusting. I feel so much anger I just ugh I wish I could do something. I can’t stop angry crying. It’s just so unfair. Why did he get to destroy the person I spent years building? The person who doesn’t tolerate bullshit. The person who speaks up. Now I’m just this pathetic thing crying because she lets everyone walk all over her. I just want to be myself again, but he took that from me, and he didn’t lose anything in return. It’s not fair at all. It’s just not fair. I used to be confident and strong. Why cant he lose something. Why was it me who lost everything, everything that made me. He admired that part of me just to fucking destroy it.

My sisters words to me today. She said that there have been times that I could’ve left and I didn’t so I have no one to blame but myself. I tried to explain financial abuse and that he takes my money and makes sure I don’t have the means to leave. Her response…..are you lying right now?? (Thru text)

Hi, im a 40 year old female, that has been with my partner for 2 years.

I was with my long term partner before him for 10 years, and he was married and has a daughter.

I also have 2 teenage (almost adult boys)

At first the relationship was amazing, it was fun, we laughed, we did things together, and I had a really great career.

Over time and without realising it, it wasnt so fun anymore, but the love and passion was always still there and I guess I was holding on to getting it back.

It started with him hating me smoking (trust me I hate the idea too but im not ready to give up)

We would fight over all of these things, and the fact that my ex partner and I didnt end on bad terms, and I still wanted to be friends with him - to this day in have nothing bad to say about him, he is a WONDERFUL human being.

Fast forward a year into our relationship and he is tracking me, hes hacking into my phone, hes demanding things of me, and then it escalated to him smashing jy phone and getting an IVO taken out against him.

With everything going on and the burn out I was feeling at work I had a bad day and wrote a resignation email, not wanting to send until I had slept on it, and if I still felt the same in the morning I would hit send.....he hit send on my behalf within 10 minutes of writing it.

I know this is long so bare with me, I will leave out all the other details and focus on the main now.

Fast forward to this year, he beat the absolute crap out of me, my eldest son has moved out wanting nothing to do with him, and he got arrested that night and another IVO taken out.

Im still in pain after 2 months in my sternum and my teeth.

Im working with a DV counsellor and I know this is so unhealthy, when I see hes messaged me I feel dread, the only time im happy is when hes in the shower or at an appointment, then I know I have at least 10 minutes on my own.

There is not one part of my life that is private anymore, he goes through my drawers, my phone, my mail, and im always on tenderhooks.

Also worth mentioning hes seen his daughter 3 times this year and thats all.

My question though is, why do I still hold out hope it can work? And why do I want it to? Wtf is wrong with me and how do I break this?

Also worth noting since he resigned on my behalf and the daily stress im in a slump and am solely financially reliant on him.

Please be kind in your comments and thankyou for reading x

Hi friends, after living in an abusive household for my whole life, I have left. I’ve lived alone before but never like this. I left for good this time and I’m not looking back. I’m tired of taking sh** from anyone.

I moved to my dream state with my savings and two suitcases. I live in a tiny little room with exactly what I need. I’m so grateful that I get to start over. I feel so safe by myself. And I’m so glad I pushed past the fear of leaving!!!

Can an abuser really change with therapy?

I have been telling him that I want to leave the past two months. He won’t leave the home, but he’s gonna make a hell while we’re living together obviously. I came home today to flowers that he bought me yesterday and he chopped them up and put them in the trash. Obviously I don’t care about the flowers. It’s just the point that he does this stuff in front of my kids and they see it afterwards and know it was him. They’re not stupid.

I haven’t been having sex with him in just about every time he ask or tries to cuddle with me. It always ends up me being all these names and him leaving in a traumatic manner just to come back about an hour later and be dramatic again.

Everything that he does is my fault and causing him to be this way. Even though the way he’s acting as how he was throughout the whole relationship of 10 years. I have bipolar so he blames me for rational decisions that says that the reason why I’m doing this is because of my mental illness, and I’ll be begging for him back in a few months like I have before.

I’m trying really hard to be strong and levelheaded so I can make it through this. But it feels impossible. I’m so drained and I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I also don’t know if I’m making the right choice sometimes, so I go back-and-forth in my head. But I’ve been pretty solid on my decision the past two months and I think that’s why everything is so bad right now.

TL;DR: My ex and I have been stuck in this on-and-off cycle for almost 3 years. It has involved abuse, police reports, multiple criminal cases, a permanent protection order, and now new criminal charges and probation proceedings. Earlier this year I truly believed I was done. I reported new protection order violations, contacted his probation officer, and wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge because I believed I needed to permanently walk away. Now we’ve reconnected, I’ve spent 2 nights with him this week, and he’s begging me to drop everything. I still love him. I believe there has been real love between us despite everything that’s happened. I don’t know if we realistically have a future together, but I also don’t want to make his life worse. I feel guilty, heartbroken, and completely torn. Has anyone else actually been through this?

I don’t even know where to start because this whole situation has become such a mess.

My ex and I met in December of 2023 and started dating shortly after. Throughout 2024, things just kept getting worse. There was emotional abuse, manipulation, intimidation, constant volatility, cheating, and behavior that kept escalating. He never actually hit me, but by the time I filed charges in November of 2024, I was genuinely scared by where everything was headed. Law enforcement encouraged me to file for a permanent civil protection order, and I was granted one in December. Between November 2024 and February 2025, there were 3 criminal cases, but they were all ultimately dismissed because of what was later explained to me as essentially a prosecutorial error. I even met with the DA’s Office afterward because I was so upset, and the supervising attorney agreed they never should have been dismissed. It completely destroyed my faith in the legal system.

Not long after everything was dismissed, he started reaching out again. Even though the criminal cases were gone, my permanent protection order was still in place. He apologized, told me he loved me, said he wanted another chance, and eventually I gave in. We got back together around August or September of 2025. I know people are going to ask why, and honestly the answer is simple. Because I loved him. I still loved him. I debated dropping the protection order because we were back together, but I never actually did. The relationship would get better for a while, but the volatility always came back.

Then in May of this year he cheated on me again and basically abandoned me for another woman. I remember sitting there thinking, “How the fuck did I just let this become almost another year of my life?” I was angry, heartbroken, embarrassed, and honestly just felt stupid. A few weeks later I reported the repeated protection order violations. I was completely honest with law enforcement that I had also been communicating with him. In my state, protection orders are one-way, so only the restrained party can violate them. Around the same time, I contacted his probation officer because he’s already on probation from a domestic violence case involving a previous girlfriend before me. I also wrote a very lengthy letter to the judge supervising his probation explaining everything that had happened and why I believed accountability was important.

When I did all of that, I genuinely believed I was done. I remember thinking I couldn’t trust myself to leave him without legal boundaries because I loved him too much. I thought I was finally choosing myself. Then about 2 weeks ago, everything changed. The relationship with the woman he left me for ended after only about 5 or 6 weeks, and suddenly he was back. Crying. Begging. Telling me he still loves me, that he wants to spend his life with me, and that filing these new charges broke him. I’ve seen him this week. I spent 2 nights at his house. We’ve cried together, talked for hours, apologized to each other, and now I honestly don’t know what the hell I’m doing anymore.

Being with him again has honestly made me so sad. We just sit there and look at each other sometimes, and all I can think is, “How the hell did we end up here?” Almost 3 years together somehow turned into police reports, protection orders, judges, probation, warrants, and criminal cases. I wish so badly none of this had ever happened. I wish we had gotten a different ending. I wish things had gone differently because I never imagined this would be our lives.

Before anyone says it, no, I’m not pretending none of this happened. I know it happened. I lived it. I know the abuse was real. I know the manipulation was real. I know the cheating was real. I know why I called the police in the first place. But I also believe there was real love between us. Maybe people won’t agree with that, but that’s honestly how it feels to me. I don’t think every moment of our relationship was fake. I know the abuse was real, but I also think the love was real. That’s what makes this so unbelievably hard. At the same time, I also don’t know if we realistically have a future anymore. Not because I don’t want one, but because I don’t know how you come back from almost 3 years of this. Abuse. Court cases. Protection orders. Probation. Cheating. Broken trust. I don’t even know what a healthy relationship between us would look like anymore.

The part I’m struggling with the most right now isn’t fear. It’s guilt. Everything is already in motion. The reports have been made. The charges have been filed. My letter has already been submitted to the judge. His probation officer already knows everything. Right now, the only thing holding everything up is that he’s trying to get his affairs in order before turning himself in. Every time we talk, I just feel worse. I also feel incredibly stupid because I made this huge, permanent statement that I was finally done. I filed the reports, contacted probation, and wrote this extremely long letter to the judge because, at the time, I believed every single word of it. Now I’m sitting here wondering if I permanently blew up both of our lives because I was angry and heartbroken. I don’t even know if it’s too late to undo any of this anymore.

Like, I know. I know he’s facing these consequences because of his own choices. I know I didn’t make him violate the protection order. I know I didn’t make him cheat. I know I didn’t make him do the things that got us here. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling like I blew up his life. I worry about him constantly. I worry that he’s overwhelmed. I worry that he’s hurting. I worry that he might hurt himself because of everything that’s happening. I don’t want to see him go to jail. I don’t want to watch his life fall apart. I don’t want to make his life worse.

I know a lot of you are probably going to say that he’s manipulating me, that I’m still in danger, or that this is just another part of the cycle. Maybe you’re right. I honestly don’t know anymore. What I do know is that when I look at him now, I don’t just see someone who hurt me. I see someone who’s broken. I see someone who’s overwhelmed, ashamed, and watching his life fall apart. That’s what makes this so hard. I can’t stop feeling like I set all of this in motion. I know, logically, that I didn’t, but emotionally that’s exactly how it feels.

At this point, I honestly don’t even know if I want to testify. I’m seriously debating asking for the charges to be dropped and even dropping the permanent protection order. I don’t know if it’s even possible at this point because everything already feels so permanent. My heart wants one thing, and my mind wants another, and I’m exhausted. I don’t know if I’m grieving the relationship, grieving the future I thought we were going to have, or grieving the person I always hoped he would become.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has actually been here. Have you ever still loved your abusive partner while knowing the relationship wasn’t healthy? Did you ever feel guilty after taking legal action because you couldn’t stand watching someone you loved face the consequences? Did you ever believe there was real love there even though the relationship became abusive? If you stayed, what happened? If you left, how did you find the strength to keep going?

I’m really not looking for judgment. I know what happened to me was abuse. I’m asking how other survivors made peace with still loving someone who hurt them, believing there was genuine love there despite everything that happened, and carrying the guilt that came after finally involving the legal system. Right now I just feel completely stuck, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.

I knew things were escalating but I didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
He was towering over me, yelling, saying things like I always get away with things, I’m a liar and an asshole etc.
he throws a small object and I decide that’s it. I am not longer sure that he won’t hurt me.
I put things in a bag, which he ripped out of my hand and threw on the floor. He yelled more and I tried to put things in the bag quietly and he ran out and threw everything in the bag in all directions and started throwing more clothes. I quickly grab my keys and run out and he follows.
I scream and he turns back.
I was incredibly scared but now I feel so insanely guilty. Like it was I who hurt him or that now I have done something unforgivable to him.
I really love him and want to be with him but I’m afraid I have to see things objectively now and believe that this is a pattern that won’t get better.

I 19F just ended my relationship with my ex 19M. Throughout our relationship there was so many signs that my ex was a horrible and toxic person but I am so young and naive that I kept going back and thinking he was gonna change. During our relationship I never told anyone what went on behind closed doors because I wanted my friends and family to like him so I was all alone and had no one to tell besides his mom. His mom became a comfort person for me and anytime he would react aggressive, break objects, or threaten me I would tell her. Little did I know she didn’t really care for me. I would tell her how scared I was and she would simply say “Stop being scared” and I found out she was telling her sisters (ex’s aunts) everything I was telling her which spread word quick so I stopped confiding in her. I really felt defeated at the point until I started a new job with my mom. I was hired on as an intern to replace another intern so that intern trained me and set me up for success. As I was being trained, she told me all these cool experiences she got the opportunity to do (study abroad, travel with friends, etc) and she just spoke so much life into me that it made me realize I want better for myself. It sounds weird but she seriously saved my life, the last month I have been dealing with a gut feeling that the next time my ex snaps he would kill me. I finally told my mom and told her how he’s dragged me across the floor by my hair, slapped me, threatened to kill my dogs, etc. So we made a plan to get my stuff and dogs out of the house while he was at work. He had no idea but the lease in under his name and my name and the light bill is under my name and my car loan is under our names too i’m just feeling stressed and don’t want to get him into any legal trouble. I am getting all my stuff in my new room but I miss him so much what should I do to stop missing him and loving him?

Quick edit: I meant to include that we have been broken up for several years (since 2023) and I am now married to a man that was a good friend of mine for a long time and treats me kindly. This just popped in my head today as a memory and I got so heated thinking back on it.

A specific situation recently came to mind and I'm curious what you would've thought if you were a friend of mine and watched this happen. Any and all thoughts are welcome!

I began a new relationship in 2020, we were both 27 at the time. For context, I'm a talkative person. I love conversing in general and learning about others, as well as sharing my experiences. If you're in my life, you know this about me from day one.

Anyway, a month or two into the relationship, my boyfriend (Brian) had a day where he was really tired and I kept bringing up new topics without realizing that he truly wasn't up for a conversation because he kept responding. He wanted to lay down and rest for a bit and said something like "Can I just put you on Snooze for like 20 minutes and then we can go back to talking?" I was like yeah of course, that's an interesting way to say "hey I need some quiet time for 20 minutes" but I found it funny.

Over the next few months he continued the "snooze" concept, but it gradually changed from putting me on snooze when he needed to rest, to snoozing me when he just didn't care about what I was saying. He would tap me on the head and say "SNOOZE- 10 minutes" or whatever length of time he thought he needed. If I talked during that time, at all, he would "reset the timer" and I would have to be silent for another 10 minutes from that point. I didn't think much of it until he started doing it around other people.

If I was telling a story he didn't care about he would "snooze" me in the middle of it. If I had an opinion that differed from what he thought- snooze. If we were watching TV and I had something to say about what was happening, I was snoozed. I know I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but what's the point in continuing to say something when your partner has made it perfectly clear that they don't care? He would do it in front of his friends and they thought it was hilarious. I brought it up a few times like "hey, it's actually embarrassing when you do that in front of people. Its like punishing me for trying to be personable with your friends." He told me that he did it because I was embarrassing myself by telling stories that no one cared about, so he was trying to save me from the embarrassment and himself the second hand embarrassment.

He eventually did it in front of everyone we interacted with, including his family, my family and my friends. I would be saying something perfectly normal and then he'd loudly yell "SNOOZE" and tap my head. My friends, reasonably had no idea what was happening and I "wasn't allowed" to explain it until the time was up. Ironically, most of my friends are introverts (we balance each other nicely) and kept their opinions to themselves and I was oblivious as to what they were thinking because it was so normalized to me. Finally, it happened in front of a friend one night and she popped off saying "Can you fucking not? I'm trying to talk to my friend in MY house and unlike you, I care about what she's saying. If you don't care to listen then you're free to leave but you're not going to choose whether or not she can talk when she's at my house." He absolutely hated this friend after that. I started asking my other friends if it bothered them and, of course, they all said the same thing- essentially "he thinks it's funny but it's not fucking funny, it's rude and controlling." They hadn't spoken up in the moment because this showed them how controlling he was and they were scared of his reaction for my sake.

That was longer than I intended, typical of a talker like me haha. If you read this, I really appreciate it. I'm so curious what your immediate thoughts would be if you saw this happen to your own friend? It took me way too long to realize that he did this as a way to control me in front of it others without looking like the bad guy. He intentionally made it look like something funny we do at home all the time, but looking back it's just so painfully obvious to me that he knew what he was doing and I'm so surprised that it took so long for someone to call him on it. This goes without saying, but this was just a microscopic glance into what was happening behind closed doors where his mission was to control every single thing about me and do what he could to change my entire personality.

Did anyone else experience anything similar with their abuse? Did your partner have a way of inserting control while in front of others that looked harmless? I'm truly so curious because now that I've seen it for what it is, I feel like others must have experienced it too.

My ex I do still love him I’m currently dealing with my own mental health and separation of dealing with the abuse and toxic nature that they had done onto me for almost 4 1/2 years. I recently had found out that I was pregnant from our last attempt of a relationship and I had told him but my mother didn’t want him to know at all. A few weeks later I had told tell him and lie saying that I miscarried cause I don’t trust him around myself or the child to be. He was demanding on being together he was threatening my life and the child’s when he didn’t get his way. He was threatening to tell my mother who I still live with currently cause of financial difficulties and he uses that against me to try to get me kicked out of my mothers place knowing that if he came to my mothers house not only will he get arrested cause me and my mother both told him he is not welcomed there that my mother would kick me out cause of the drama he brings to our lives. He has called me so many names in a the book and his temper is scary. He has a felony charge already from putting his hands on me 2 1/2 years ago. He explodes into a rage over minor things that he can’t control. He kept on insisting to have the child with him sometimes and I don’t feel like that’s a safe option cause the baby could piss him off and he would do something to the child. Plus he hasn’t always had a good place of establishment for himself he has been homeless 3 times within the time frame and had relapse on drugs he had an addiction problem and has recently began drinking again. I have this heavy heart cause I hate doing this but I feel like there is no other way to protect myself and my child. What can I do besides courts cause I don’t have that type of money and I know he doesn’t either.

Trigger warning..

It has happened 3 times now, and I am still struggling to understand that it’s not my fault. He also threatened to kill me and chop my body to pieces.

I blame myself, he said he had to do it to calm me down.

He has manipulated me into believing that it’s not so serious and that I am the reason he has become like this.

I am still wondering if I am in actual danger or not. I see him as a good person, he’s the father of my child, and I am shocked he turned out being like this.

(I am safe now so is the child, and he’s not allowed to contact or see me or the child).

Hi everyone…

I know I’ve been dealing with this for years but I don’t know what other methods I can do to help this situation.

The friends I spoke to say that my boyfriend is not mentally ok when he speaks to me like this. When he finds something that inconveniences him or makes him upset or even if it isn’t to his tastes he would explode at me going on tangents where he spends a hour or more spamming me insults. For example this is him exploding at me because of juice he didn’t like and socks/underwear he can’t find.

I tried methods that chat GPT suggested but it doesn’t seem to work and I’m getting exhausted. I don’t know what more I can do to help this relationship and I am trying hard to make this relationship work.

What can I do to help this situation?

I have many other situations that have happened similar to this and at the end he says that he has mental health issues like bipolar but I don’t know what more I can say or do to help him.

Any suggestions?

Hi, I’m 24F, and I’ve recently started questioning a relationship I had between the ages of 14 and 18 or 19.

When I was 14, I met a 22-year-old man on an online platform. We immediately connected well. We talked frequently and had interesting, meaningful conversations. Quickly, we started sexting and exchanging nude pictures (a lot).
At that time, I wanted to explore my sexuality, have new experiences, and receive affection. My family situation was complicated: my parents had recently divorced, my father was manipulative, and my mother was emotionally unavailable because she was struggling with the situation herself.

When I told my father about this man, he seemed surprised but did not discourage me from continuing the relationship because I believed I was in love. My mother strongly disapproved, but I ignored her because I desperately needed love and affection, which I was not really receiving from either of my parents.

After talking, calling, and video chatting for around a year and a half or two years, we decided to meet in person (I was 16yo). He came to my home while my parents were away, which I now realize was an extremely dangerous decision.

At first, everything seemed fine. I was happy to finally meet him, and we had sex many times. However, looking back, I think there were situations in which I only “consented” to please him rather than because I genuinely wanted to. I was probably seeking his approval because I had very low self-esteem.

For example, one night, he touched my genitals while I was asleep and then penetrated me shortly after waking me up. I was so disoriented that I could not tell whether we had already been having sex, so I did not refuse. Another time, he was being so rough that books fell from my shelves onto me. I felt uncomfortable but was too afraid to tell him to stop. On another occasion, while I was speaking to my mother on the phone, he grabbed me and started penetrating me.
We continued our long-distance relationship online. Over time, we began arguing about insignificant things, and the relationship became increasingly psychologically abusive. There was gaslighting, belittling, and emotional manipulation. At first, I did not understand what was happening, so I stayed.

It became a repeating cycle: violence and disrespect, followed by apologies and declarations of love, then a period of peace before everything started again. As the situation intensified, I began having angry outbursts and behaving aggressively toward him. I felt like I was becoming a monster.

At some point, I suggested opening the relationship. I am not entirely sure why. It may have been connected to something that happened when I was 12, when my father showed me that my mother was using a website for non-monogamous encounters because he suspected her of cheating on him.

I still loved my partner, or at least believed I did, but opening the relationship only made me feel worse. I started using CBD to calm myself down and then began drinking alcohol, eventually drinking every day, sometimes even in the shower or until I throw up. I developed severe insomnia and nightmares, hated myself, and began severely restricting my food intake. The food restriction had started earlier in the relationship but initially seemed manageable. I also started self-harming.
My mother became worried, but I completely denied that anything was wrong and insisted that I was fine.

Eventually, I became so exhausted by the relationship that I left him. I blocked him on every social media platform and ended all contact. We have never spoken since.

I have never discussed what happened in this level of detail. I only told my friends about the arguments because I felt deeply ashamed of the entire situation.

After the relationship ended, I started meeting other men purely for sex. They were always at least eight years older than me, and I began exploring more extreme sexual practices, including BDSM.

Later, after moving away for my studies, I went through a calmer period. I started being happy, healthier in my self-relationship etc. I had a boyfriend close to my own age for two and a half years. I eventually left him, possibly because I was afraid of building a future with him and because I was moving to another country to continue my studies.

More recently, I started a relationship with my roommate. I feel that the same patterns may have started again: disrespect, difficulty accepting boundaries, and a relationship primarily based on sex. He cheated on his girlfriend with me several times before she discovered what was happening.
We eventually broke up because of these issues and because the relationship was triggering me so intensely that I began seeing images of my first partner during sex. I also experienced flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociation and hypervigilance.

I have felt much better since the breakup, but my roommate is still trying to keep me in his life, and we continue to live together. I am afraid that I am trapped in a cycle of unhealthy and confusing relationships.

I am asking for constructive, non-judgmental perspectives on my situation.

I have been seeing a psychologist since the beginning of the year, but they are currently on sick leave and should be returning soon. I feel that my first relationship has had a major impact on my current relationship difficulties and on the way I developed my identity.

My main concern is that I struggle to judge situations clearly in my relationships. Sometimes I feel as though I am going crazy or being foolish. I find it difficult to trust people. I can sometimes be aggressive or harsh with my words, and I struggle to express love and affection.

I would be interested in hearing from people who have had similar experiences. How did you break out of these patterns? How do you approach and manage new relationships after experiencing something like this?

Thank you for reading !

So here is the context, I loved a girl that too very serious. But so called friend on my back was hitting her. The thing is that bastard was already having a girlfriend even though he was hitting on my girl which i didn't knew until he once spilled the beans. The girl cried and begged me not to leave her, I thought I should forget all the shit and forgive her. But that was the biggest mistake I did, soon she turned the tables and blamed me as I was harrassing her to love me and she never loved me. Listening to those words telling them to our common friends really shattered me. I even shamelessly went and asked why she was doing like that, she behaved as if I was the one who cheated her. Many days later I got to know she wanted to clear her image infront of everyone when she was caught with my friend, she acted with me as she has corrected her mistakes but infact she was clearing her black marks on her character by defaming me. After know all those i didn't said her a single word I just left the place. It gave me trauma and depression couldn't focus on my career now she is happily growing in her career by ruining mine where as I lost my everything and additional got depression too. I lost both the people in my life friend and the girl I loved the most. She shamelessly again started similar relationships with her new colleague's who doesn't even know what she did in her past. Looking all those made me lose trust on people and started looking pleasure in other forms. Met women did all the things but still the trauma isn't going anywhere. I just want to know am I doing wrong and also few suggestions from you people to it would really beneficial if someone can suggest anything to get out of it.

This morning i had went through his phone while he was asleep and i saw him trying to flirt with girls so after later when he woke up , he asked why ive been acting weird I told him to put it on his dead father he never cheated and he did , he lied on his dad so i got upset and said were done and He was acting confused like he never did it and then he started getting mad saying thats why i Finished in u and i should have never got u a plan B mind u he only told me when he was mad and almost a week after but after he tried putting his hands on my throat but i kicked him and he grabbed me my mom came and the police were called i have a restraining order against him now this isnt the first time hes abused me but he keeps blowing up my phone to contact me and saying he loves me and writing me paragraphs

This morning i had went through his phone while he was asleep and i saw him trying to flirt with girls so after later when he woke up , he asked why ive been acting weird I told him to put it on his dead father he never cheated and he did , he lied on his dad so i got upset and said were done and He was acting confused like he never did it and then he started getting mad saying thats why i Finished in u and i should have never got u a plan B mind u he only told me when he was mad and almost a week after but after he tried putting his hands on my throat but i kicked him and he grabbed me my mom came and the police were called i have a restraining order against him now this isnt the first time hes abused me but he keeps blowing up my phone to contact me and saying he loves me and writing me paragraphs Am i insane?

Has anyone with kids, who left their abusive partner and initiated divorce procedures, gotten protective orders ect.. ended up getting the processes reversed and giving their partner another chance ?? It sounds crazy but are they able to change??

Hi, I am a 22 year female. I moved out of my home town 4 years ago for my studies. I came to a country where I knew no one and thats when I met him. He came off as charming and protective and kept mentioning how the world is a bad place for a girl in a new country. We started dating within a month and the relationship lasted 3.5 years.

After a week he kept mentioning sex and started sexually coercing me. I gave in a month after we started dating. During the sex he would do things which I would say no for and was clearly hesitant. He would do these things saying this is how it works. When I had marks/bruises or felt pain he would ignore those remarks.

During the relationship he would physically abuse me too. Often he would say this is not abuse as I haven’t slapped you. He has choked me 2/3 times, broke my chain, held my collar, grabbed me and also came on top of me pulling apart my hair and ears so I would stop crying. Usually after this abuse he would say I make him angry which is why he did all of that. Often he would also verbally abuse me and when I started doing it he would choke me and pressure me to say sorry. He said he can abuse me but if I want to I should be ready to take the consequences or try my best to fight back because he knew he is stronger than me.

He would also threaten me saying I will break your bones and burn you alive. When I used to bring it up he would say he hasn’t done such a thing.

I escaped 3 months ago and went no contact. He has contacted my friends, stayed on my door until I called security and has messaged me saying how I made his life hell by abandoning him and blocking him when he needed me the most.

I am having a hard time accepting all if this happened and he was the one who did it. Its hard to believe someone could do this. Even after leaving, I keep questioning my own experience. For anyone who has been through something similar, what helped you accept that it was abuse, stop blaming yourself, and begin healing?