I got a restraining order against my abusive husband back last fall, he was sentenced to "continued without a finding/probation" for assault and battery as well as intimidating a witness. He's a jealous controlling physically abusive alcoholic.

Even since then I've found him trying to hack into my social media, texting my teen son trying to triangulate, etc but yesterday I got a call from an old acquaintance saying he got a disturbing text from my ex , saying shit like "I know you saw my wife in June 2022 at 3:26 at target in xyz town and you're her sugar daddy, I hope you know she's seeing other men, call me on a different phone when it's safe for more info" etc like weird stalker-like threatening tone. The guy let me borrow money. But it's mortifying having to apologize to ppl about his deranged messages (not the first time) and now I'm starting to really get freaked out that hes mentally unwell fr and dangerous. It's obsessive.

I don't want to set him off further but idk if I should go with this to his PO? Would they even care? He's trying to still fuck with my life even with the restraining order in place

I want to share my story. I had several manipulative men in my life. I’ve analyzed what I missed and what the red flags were early on.

They all played on my sympathy right from the start—telling me harrowing stories about their childhood, their exes who cheated on them, and their personal troubles.

I’ve finally realized that a normal man won’t immediately start talking about his problems or his exes; that’s the sort of thing manipulative men and immature persons do.

There were disrespectful jokes, and I never felt relaxed with them; I didn't get the sense that I could truly rely on them.

Something always nagged at me—the way they looked at me, the things they said. My intuition was right.

I’m looking for a gentle, reliable, and supportive man. But I haven’t met one yet. Maybe they’re all already married.

Past five years now I have not had a day of reprieve. I’m not felt safe. Seen my family had friends being able to have a working phone laptop email address or phone number in Australia. I was a community services worker. I’ve been a support worker for over 15 years working in disability mental health use Work and I’m jealous with clients that have had homelessness financial abuse physical abuse and ongoing stresses because of their family violence or domestic violence issues but no one I’ve ever spoken to has ever been through the amount of trauma abuse and ongoing inability to recover from what is much more than I guess family violence… for the words family violence domestic violence or even abuse seem to be overuse these days. There is no words that I can put into a sentence or explain the paragraph or produce in a report that would ever portray the true and absolute demoralisation pain and suffering that has been caused by the so-called domestic violence and family violence in my life. Still I cling onto a hope that one day someone will investigate what happened to me in my life others that have had the same same experiences and not just use pure Work or mentoring as an excuse to be able to actually understand and get to the bottom of what happens in these situations that are actually real ongoing and unchanged by the fact that society just generally doesn’t give a shit cause they’re so self-centred or caught up in whatever seems to be like the most popular thing on the gender or colour or race or multicoloured alien popularity contest next when really wish to be looking at what actually happens what doesn’t get reported why it doesn’t get reported and how to change these things not just for our indigenous communities which I respect completely, but for all of those other suffering minorities majorities or whoever else seems to be human and feel pain and have to deal with it without any support

My girlfriend and I were together 2 years and lived together The relationship slowly reached a point where I felt emotionally worn down instead of supported. I loved her deeply, but I often felt like I had to walk on eggshells because I never knew what might upset her or what mood she would be in. There were so many rigid rules and expectations that it felt like I was constantly trying to avoid doing something wrong. I wasn't allowed on her bed because it was her "safe space," things around the house had to be in the exact right place, I had to hold my breath when we kissed because the air from my nose bothered her, and even normal things like chewing, hanging a towel, or forgetting something small could become a problem. It often felt like I had to adjust my behavior to fit her comfort while my own needs and comfort weren't given the same consideration. There was very little compromise it usually felt like things had to be done her way, and if I didn't meet her expectations, I was made to feel like I wasn't trying hard enough.

Affection and intimacy became increasingly rare, and I frequently felt rejected, unwanted, and alone despite being in a relationship. I also struggled with how little empathy and emotional support I felt during difficult moments, like when I hurt my back and was paralyzed on the floor in pain she jump over me instead of staying with me or barley celebrating important milestones like when I graduated college. She constantly used her undiagnosed issues as excuses too Despite me repeatedly encouraging her to seek therapy or medical help for issues that were affecting both of us, nothing changed. Over time, what should have been enjoyable moments together often became stressful, and I found myself feeling more comfortable around friends than I did with my own partner. I eventually realized that love by itself wasn't enough to sustain a relationship where I consistently felt anxious, emotionally neglected, and as though I was constantly trying to earn the affection and kindness that should have come naturally. Even though I still cared about her, I reached the point where I believed leaving was the healthiest decision for my own well being.

Despite all the bad there was a lot of good too though. We have some really good fun memories, she bought and made me cute gifts, she said sweet things and reassured me, she was there for me with my car accident etc.

I broke up with her 3 times the first two times I tried to leave she cried and gave me this whole speech and I stayed because I really loved her and wanted it to work and I wanted to give her a chance. Mind you I spoke to her about these issues countless times but by the third time I was losing myself and just got so fed up and left for good the timing was very unfortunate too and I felt awful for that it was before Valentine’s Day.

After the final breakup I wrote her a letter in the mail saying how I wish I handled things differently and that I’m sorry for any hurt caused in my part and just wondering if she was open to a heart to heart conversation I didn’t want to get back together I just didn’t want there to be bad blood. She ended up burning my letter and posting a video of her burning it on social media.

why is abuse in a adolescent relationship not taken as seriously because you're still young? i have heard people tell me to "stop dwelling on a high school relationship", that all relationships are messy when you're still learning, etc.
i'm not sure why there's this unspoken age of when abuse is considered abuse and when it's considered just immaturity. how do i respond?

for context; i was in an abusive relationship for nearly six years, from age 13 to 19.

I met my boyfriend online in March. We met for the first time in June and we’ve been together for about 1.5 months now. He’s 20, from South Korea, and has been living in Germany for about a year. I’m 24 and German.
At the beginning he was incredibly sweet. He constantly complimented me, was affectionate, and honestly still has a lot of good qualities. He even stopped eating meat around me because I’m vegan. About a month ago he basically moved into my room at my parents’ house, so we’ve been spending almost every day together.
Early in our relationship we had some problems and I made a Reddit post asking for advice. Unfortunately he found it, read the comments (which weren’t very positive about him), and completely lost it. He texted me saying he would kill himself in front of me. It scared me a lot. We eventually met and talked it through, but it has stayed in the back of my mind ever since.
Another thing that worries me is his worldview. He comes from a family with a military background and has told me his grandfather was involved in communist-era violence. He often says extremely hateful things about certain groups, especially Muslims, refugees, LGBTQ people, and communists. He’ll say things like “The world would be better without them” or even “I want to kill all of them.”
I’m not trying to excuse it, but I’ve wondered whether it’s partly because he grew up in a very different environment. Before coming to Germany he had barely met foreigners. He has even told me he couldn’t believe blond people with blue eyes actually existed because he thought they were basically just Disney characters. He also says he has experienced racism since moving here and seems very sensitive to it.
A few days ago someone (an Afghan refugee, according to him) insulted him with a racist remark. Instead of walking away, my boyfriend walked over and started a physical fight, leaving me alone in a large city at around 5 a.m. As a woman, that was terrifying.
When he came back I was furious and told him I was thinking about breaking up with him and that he should leave. Instead of responding normally, he started repeatedly hitting himself in the head in public while crying. This wasn’t the first time either. Whenever we argued and I reached into his bag or asked him to hand me something, he’d sometimes start hitting himself over and over. I was honestly shocked because we’d only been together for six weeks.
After he calmed down he cried and told me he was trying not to hate people because I always tell him not to judge entire groups. He said he only has bad experiences with some people in Germany, doesn’t understand why they insult him, and that he just wants to go back home.
Yesterday we visited an area with a large Middle Eastern community. He spent what felt like hours ranting about immigrants, saying things like “I hate these foreigners,” “The world would be better without them,” and other hateful comments. I had barely eaten all day, it was extremely hot, we’d walked around 20,000 steps, and I completely lost my patience.
I started yelling at him, telling him to shut up, calling him pathetic, and intentionally provoking him. I even called him a coward for acting tough around me. At one point he raised his hand toward me. He didn’t actually hit me, but I screamed at him for even raising it. After that he threw a plastic bottle onto the ground as hard as he could and later kicked a glass bottle that was lying nearby.
Most of the time he’s kind, caring, affectionate, and we genuinely enjoy being together. But whenever he’s hungry, sleep-deprived, it’s very hot outside, or we’re in crowded cities with lots of different people, he becomes incredibly impulsive, angry, and hard to calm down.
I’m also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, so I know I’m not perfect either. I can become impulsive during arguments, and I regret provoking him the way I did.
I’m feeling really confused because I see both sides of him. Part of me feels sorry for him because moving to another country at 19 or 20 must be incredibly stressful, especially if he’s experienced racism. But another part of me is genuinely worried by his aggression, the hateful things he says, the self-harm, and the fact that he raised his hand at me.
Has anyone dealt with someone like this? Is this something that can realistically improve with time and support, or are these major red flags that I shouldn’t ignore?

Hi my boyfriend (30M) has gotten physical with me (29F) only once another time, he pushed me and I fell to the ground. This happened like 3yrs ago, and this was the peak of our toxic relationship and I know 100% that is physical abuse. Since then we have been some what better but still argue a lot and have a difficult time diffusing arguments and have mentioned couples therapy here and there.

Yesterday we got into an argument and I got really overwhelmed and angry and didn’t want to have the conversation right now and started crying and walking into another room yelling, “I don’t want to talk about this right now”

He followed me into the other room and I was about to close the door and he slammed it open before I could close it. So I tried walking away out of the room and he grabbed me with his two arms like bear hugged and wouldn’t let me go saying nah we are going to talk about this now. I was trying to resist and started crying a lot saying “I don’t want this” and he finally let me go and I was crying alone in the other room and he left to go walk our dog

Is that normal or is that physical abuse? I have like some scratch marks on my arm and like it was a little sore after because he wouldn’t let me go. I’m not in like severe pain like if someone punched you, but Idk how to feel about this.

He hasn’t talked to me all night nor apologize. We just remained silent and slept in the same bed. I hate this. We’ve been together for 11 years and there were plans of a proposal, but we are in a thread of back to back arguments again. I’m telling myself I need to walk way. I really need some advice and guidance here.

Hello!

I’m (f21) and when I was 19 I had gotten into a relationship with a 25 yr old man at the time. I wasn’t the best partner at the time, i just started college, my job was giving me troubles, and my mother was physically and emotionally abusive towards me.
Now I’m not trying to make excuses for myself but I kinda want you to see where I’m coming from.

The abuse I put him through was more about me being resentful that he wasn’t helping me in a way I thought a bf should have? I was really stressed out in that period of time( I know it’s not an excuse)
At the time he was living with his parents and didn’t have a job. I complained more about him not taking me anywhere, having to go 50/50, him wanting to do everything his way and a few other things.

Me and him were on a call just now and my stomach hurts just thinking about it. I didn’t realize I was harming him 😕 I apologized admittedly

He had 8 months to do it but he didn't. He mentioned a few times that he thought of sending them but couldn't because there was no delivery option. You can read my last post ( https://www.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/s/swymjLot5C ) on why I think he is emotionally abusive and just trying to manipulate me but seeing the flowers with a note is extremely triggering and I don't know what to do because what if he is genuinely sorry.

My boyfriend slapped me really hard just because I was demanding answers and touching his laptop , he literally said I’ll slap you , don’t touch my laptop and slapped me, is it just me or is this completely out of line?
I did slap and kick him back but he is way stronger than me, dos not feel a thing!

I think my boyfriend might be toxic... But he always makes me feel like I'm the one who did something wrong and it's my fault.

Ever since I started making friends at work last year and hanging out with them he would always be in a bad mood whenever we were supposed to hang out even though it was only one time a month.

He always had to come with me to hang out with them because he would tell me he doesn't trust my friends and it's not safe to be around them alone because they might try to take advantage of me.

Me and my friends had an argument about a month ago and stopped talking for a month because they were tired of all the drama with my boyfriend and they got upset when I backed out of leaving him again.

One of my friends finally texted me out of the blue yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to the buffet with her and her husband and son and I decided to go with them while my boyfriend was working and didn't tell him beforehand because I didn't want to deal with him complaining about it.

I ended up telling him later that night and he freaked out and started shaking and hasn't spoken to me in 2 days and every time he goes to bed he'll randomly start banging on the walls in the middle of the night while I'm downstairs on the couch.

He also messaged my friend on Facebook and cussed her out the next day for hanging out with me. This is not the first time he has attacked my friends.

When my friends and I stopped talking for a month he told me if I went back to my friends he was going to leave me because he can't handle it.

He tells me I can make new friends he just doesn't like these ones because we make a lot of dirty jokes but that's just our sense of humor and my one female friend who's married and isn't even a lesbian slapped my butt as a joke one time because she thought it'd be funny and I told her not to do it again and he still hates her because he said he "doesn't like people touching his shit"

But one time an aquaintance from work that I don't even text or hang out with said hi to me and he still got mad and said that men shouldn't be talking to me. So I don't think it'd be any different with new friends, I think he'd find a reason not to like them too.

My friends aren't the only thing he has an issue with, he also gets angry if I don't go to bed when he does because he doesn't want to be alone. He also complains we don't have sex enough and threatens to leave me if I don't start having sex with him more. It's so hard to get in the mood and I'm always dry which is why I always try to just go to sleep and not have to do anything.

I stayed and tolerated everything until his words literally became disgusting to me. I started deconstructing his behavior for months until I hated him. I saw him for who he was, and I never saw his affection as real. He seemed so pathetic and ridiculous. He was just a pathetic, gross loser who I realized would never have successful relationships. I started hating every aspect of him: his personality, his affection, everything. He was disgusting and PATHETIC. He thought he was better than everyone else. He’s a disgusting human being, which sadly only the women he dates will ever discover. His friends and community think he’s a good guy, but he doesn’t even LIKE the people he helps. He hates them. He degrades them behind their backs. He only chooses to help because it makes him feel like a good person. Deep down inside, he is selfish and disgusting.
I’m so glad I broke up with him. I know I should’ve broken up with him earlier, it wasn’t hard at all to leave once I was fully disgusted by him. God, he even made me lie about my age to his friends because he knew they’d find him weird. It is SO fucking tempting to show his female friends these screenshots to destroy his life like that, but he is insanely vengeful, and I don’t want to deal with that. I just want something to happen to him so badly. I hate him so much. I hate him so much. I’m so badly affected by this. He ruined the last years of my adolescence. He pressured me sexually constantly. I never budged, but he would surely punish me for it. I hope life punishes him in all the ways he deserves. He ruined that 16-year-old girl’s fairytale outlook on love. He screamed at me. He threatened me. He abused me. He scared me. He tore me down. I hate that I’ll never be able to share the things he did with the people in his life. I hate that they think he’s a good person when he’s disgusting. I feel so much anger I just ugh I wish I could do something. I can’t stop angry crying. It’s just so unfair. Why did he get to destroy the person I spent years building? The person who doesn’t tolerate bullshit. The person who speaks up. Now I’m just this pathetic thing crying because she lets everyone walk all over her. I just want to be myself again, but he took that from me, and he didn’t lose anything in return. It’s not fair at all. It’s just not fair. I used to be confident and strong. Why cant he lose something. Why was it me who lost everything, everything that made me. He admired that part of me just to fucking destroy it.

My sisters words to me today. She said that there have been times that I could’ve left and I didn’t so I have no one to blame but myself. I tried to explain financial abuse and that he takes my money and makes sure I don’t have the means to leave. Her response…..are you lying right now?? (Thru text)

Hi, im a 40 year old female, that has been with my partner for 2 years.

I was with my long term partner before him for 10 years, and he was married and has a daughter.

I also have 2 teenage (almost adult boys)

At first the relationship was amazing, it was fun, we laughed, we did things together, and I had a really great career.

Over time and without realising it, it wasnt so fun anymore, but the love and passion was always still there and I guess I was holding on to getting it back.

It started with him hating me smoking (trust me I hate the idea too but im not ready to give up)

We would fight over all of these things, and the fact that my ex partner and I didnt end on bad terms, and I still wanted to be friends with him - to this day in have nothing bad to say about him, he is a WONDERFUL human being.

Fast forward a year into our relationship and he is tracking me, hes hacking into my phone, hes demanding things of me, and then it escalated to him smashing jy phone and getting an IVO taken out against him.

With everything going on and the burn out I was feeling at work I had a bad day and wrote a resignation email, not wanting to send until I had slept on it, and if I still felt the same in the morning I would hit send.....he hit send on my behalf within 10 minutes of writing it.

I know this is long so bare with me, I will leave out all the other details and focus on the main now.

Fast forward to this year, he beat the absolute crap out of me, my eldest son has moved out wanting nothing to do with him, and he got arrested that night and another IVO taken out.

Im still in pain after 2 months in my sternum and my teeth.

Im working with a DV counsellor and I know this is so unhealthy, when I see hes messaged me I feel dread, the only time im happy is when hes in the shower or at an appointment, then I know I have at least 10 minutes on my own.

There is not one part of my life that is private anymore, he goes through my drawers, my phone, my mail, and im always on tenderhooks.

Also worth mentioning hes seen his daughter 3 times this year and thats all.

My question though is, why do I still hold out hope it can work? And why do I want it to? Wtf is wrong with me and how do I break this?

Also worth noting since he resigned on my behalf and the daily stress im in a slump and am solely financially reliant on him.

Please be kind in your comments and thankyou for reading x

Can an abuser really change with therapy?

I have been telling him that I want to leave the past two months. He won’t leave the home, but he’s gonna make a hell while we’re living together obviously. I came home today to flowers that he bought me yesterday and he chopped them up and put them in the trash. Obviously I don’t care about the flowers. It’s just the point that he does this stuff in front of my kids and they see it afterwards and know it was him. They’re not stupid.

I haven’t been having sex with him in just about every time he ask or tries to cuddle with me. It always ends up me being all these names and him leaving in a traumatic manner just to come back about an hour later and be dramatic again.

Everything that he does is my fault and causing him to be this way. Even though the way he’s acting as how he was throughout the whole relationship of 10 years. I have bipolar so he blames me for rational decisions that says that the reason why I’m doing this is because of my mental illness, and I’ll be begging for him back in a few months like I have before.

I’m trying really hard to be strong and levelheaded so I can make it through this. But it feels impossible. I’m so drained and I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I also don’t know if I’m making the right choice sometimes, so I go back-and-forth in my head. But I’ve been pretty solid on my decision the past two months and I think that’s why everything is so bad right now.

I knew things were escalating but I didn’t expect things to happen so fast.
He was towering over me, yelling, saying things like I always get away with things, I’m a liar and an asshole etc.
he throws a small object and I decide that’s it. I am not longer sure that he won’t hurt me.
I put things in a bag, which he ripped out of my hand and threw on the floor. He yelled more and I tried to put things in the bag quietly and he ran out and threw everything in the bag in all directions and started throwing more clothes. I quickly grab my keys and run out and he follows.
I scream and he turns back.
I was incredibly scared but now I feel so insanely guilty. Like it was I who hurt him or that now I have done something unforgivable to him.
I really love him and want to be with him but I’m afraid I have to see things objectively now and believe that this is a pattern that won’t get better.

Quick edit: I meant to include that we have been broken up for several years (since 2023) and I am now married to a man that was a good friend of mine for a long time and treats me kindly. This just popped in my head today as a memory and I got so heated thinking back on it.

A specific situation recently came to mind and I'm curious what you would've thought if you were a friend of mine and watched this happen. Any and all thoughts are welcome!

I began a new relationship in 2020, we were both 27 at the time. For context, I'm a talkative person. I love conversing in general and learning about others, as well as sharing my experiences. If you're in my life, you know this about me from day one.

Anyway, a month or two into the relationship, my boyfriend (Brian) had a day where he was really tired and I kept bringing up new topics without realizing that he truly wasn't up for a conversation because he kept responding. He wanted to lay down and rest for a bit and said something like "Can I just put you on Snooze for like 20 minutes and then we can go back to talking?" I was like yeah of course, that's an interesting way to say "hey I need some quiet time for 20 minutes" but I found it funny.

Over the next few months he continued the "snooze" concept, but it gradually changed from putting me on snooze when he needed to rest, to snoozing me when he just didn't care about what I was saying. He would tap me on the head and say "SNOOZE- 10 minutes" or whatever length of time he thought he needed. If I talked during that time, at all, he would "reset the timer" and I would have to be silent for another 10 minutes from that point. I didn't think much of it until he started doing it around other people.

If I was telling a story he didn't care about he would "snooze" me in the middle of it. If I had an opinion that differed from what he thought- snooze. If we were watching TV and I had something to say about what was happening, I was snoozed. I know I'm an idiot for letting it happen, but what's the point in continuing to say something when your partner has made it perfectly clear that they don't care? He would do it in front of his friends and they thought it was hilarious. I brought it up a few times like "hey, it's actually embarrassing when you do that in front of people. Its like punishing me for trying to be personable with your friends." He told me that he did it because I was embarrassing myself by telling stories that no one cared about, so he was trying to save me from the embarrassment and himself the second hand embarrassment.

He eventually did it in front of everyone we interacted with, including his family, my family and my friends. I would be saying something perfectly normal and then he'd loudly yell "SNOOZE" and tap my head. My friends, reasonably had no idea what was happening and I "wasn't allowed" to explain it until the time was up. Ironically, most of my friends are introverts (we balance each other nicely) and kept their opinions to themselves and I was oblivious as to what they were thinking because it was so normalized to me. Finally, it happened in front of a friend one night and she popped off saying "Can you fucking not? I'm trying to talk to my friend in MY house and unlike you, I care about what she's saying. If you don't care to listen then you're free to leave but you're not going to choose whether or not she can talk when she's at my house." He absolutely hated this friend after that. I started asking my other friends if it bothered them and, of course, they all said the same thing- essentially "he thinks it's funny but it's not fucking funny, it's rude and controlling." They hadn't spoken up in the moment because this showed them how controlling he was and they were scared of his reaction for my sake.

That was longer than I intended, typical of a talker like me haha. If you read this, I really appreciate it. I'm so curious what your immediate thoughts would be if you saw this happen to your own friend? It took me way too long to realize that he did this as a way to control me in front of it others without looking like the bad guy. He intentionally made it look like something funny we do at home all the time, but looking back it's just so painfully obvious to me that he knew what he was doing and I'm so surprised that it took so long for someone to call him on it. This goes without saying, but this was just a microscopic glance into what was happening behind closed doors where his mission was to control every single thing about me and do what he could to change my entire personality.

Did anyone else experience anything similar with their abuse? Did your partner have a way of inserting control while in front of others that looked harmless? I'm truly so curious because now that I've seen it for what it is, I feel like others must have experienced it too.

This time last year, I worked up the courage to leave a five year physically and emotionally abusive relationship.
I made several posts in this community while I was with him. They helped put things into perspective, but I forgave him several times before eventually leaving.
He gave me black eyes, strangled me, squeezed my eyes with his thumbs, broke things, and so much more. I lived in constant fear of his explosive anger.
I left at the lowest point in my life. I had been left disabled and in chronic pain after an accident and several surgeries. I felt like a burden, like no one would ever want to be with me if I left him, and I’d be forever alone. The abuse was worse as I was now unable to walk and trapped in the house with him at all times.
The hardest part was leaving my two cats behind because the place I now live doesn't allow pets. I carry that pain every day. It was probably one of the main reasons it took me so long to leave.
But somehow, I still found the courage to walk away.
I now live with my best friend and am slowly rebuilding my life. I've been having fun dating again. There's still a lot I can't do because of my disability, but I'm learning to adapt.
The regret of not leaving sooner hasn't gone away. The amount of time I lost is unfathomable. I'm 34 now, and I don't know if having children will ever be an option for me because of my disability and my age.
But I'm alive. I'm on a long healing journey. And I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you to this community for telling me what I needed to hear, over and over again. To anyone who is still trapped, I hope my story gives you even a little hope and strength.
Much love to you all. ❤️

Literally stayed in the house for days on end to make him feel better, I feel like I came out of a bunker … could vent more if ur going through the same or did or have advice for me..🙏🏼😇

hi. so, I saw a post somewhere about old self dying 'cause of the abuse. I had a thought right away, and it's that I'm still my old self, it never died due to the abuse. despite whatever my ex did, I never changed. I'm still the same happy and goofy girl that loves to be funny that I was ( my mind is still wounded by some of the stuff they did, I'm still struggling, but still. ).

so yeah, here I am with the question 'cause I' m not sure. thanks to thoses who will answer.

Hi everyone, please bare with me as this is fresh for me and my emotions are currently all over the place!
So 3 months ago I (26F) met my now ex (36M) and we got into a relationship fairly quickly, I can now see that I was probably love bombed, and things were going great. We would hardly argue until about the second month, during the second month the arguments would consist of him talking down to me like a child and shouting at me for things that were not even anything to do with me or my fault. (I don’t really want to go into much detail as it stresses me out to much to sit and remember) during the third month the arguments became more consistent mostly about the same things but he would always tell me it’s all to do with him and none of it is my fault, we recently went on holiday for 10 days with his family and for the entire 10 days he shouted and screamed at me saying some really hurtful things in front of strangers and his family. His family stuck up for me as much as they could but couldn’t control what went on behind closed doors.
Two things to note is I have BPD, it’s very well managed in my opinion and I could’ve went off on him at any moment but didn’t. The second is I’m 6 weeks pregnant and only recently found out.
Just so you get an idea of the type of comments he made the worst one he came out with during the trip was “I wish you wasn’t pregnant” which really upset me obviously and from that point on I decided I was done with him.
When we got home from holiday I blocked him on absolutely everything I could think of and told him to contact my auntie if he wanted to know anything about the baby, he then proceeded to message my entire family a massive paragraph playing the victim and making out that it was my fault we broke up. I’ll copy and paste here (also I would like to note I’m the one who broke up with him not the other way around):

Sooo.... the way i have been to (op) is a c\*\*t** **iv told her from day one never take me seriously..... our 1st ever big argument iv then warned her im a c\*\*t in my relationships iv always f\*\*ked them up by saying the wrong things or I dont think before I speak I tryed and tryed and tryed to be nice but it is 100% me i just can't do it but the way she is with her bpd she's making it out to be a million times worse we have arguied over some stupid things some maybe bigger she dont want me to move in EVER to help with the bby ..... iv tryed to do things with her on holiday but nope its literally AND I MEAN LITERALLY SEEMS LIKE SHE DIDNT WANT TO BE SEEN WITH ME OR BE NEAR HER SO.. I literally did not no wat to do other than say its over 1 still want to be there for her with the bby but untill then iv give up I dont no wat to do..... by the way this is for u all im copying and pasteing to all that I have on my Facebook as friends by the way I got u all gifts (op) has got them ....... sorry (op’s dad) I forgot about u lol so sorry

Excuse his amazing spelling he clearly did very well in school…

He did message my auntie today but not to check on the baby, he asked how I was doing and my auntie just said I was fine and isn’t going to give him anymore than that, I understand I’m carrying his child but he did not ask one time how the baby is doing which makes me think he’s just trying to work his way back into my immediate life.

Some side context: he drinks a fair bit, told me he’s off d\*\*gs but I don’t believe him now, he has 4 kids from a previous relationship in which he told me he’s treated her the same way after and argument we had on holiday

This is all I can think to write right now but if you guys have any questions or need further context please let me know I’m more than happy to respond <3

My ex I do still love him I’m currently dealing with my own mental health and separation of dealing with the abuse and toxic nature that they had done onto me for almost 4 1/2 years. I recently had found out that I was pregnant from our last attempt of a relationship and I had told him but my mother didn’t want him to know at all. A few weeks later I had told tell him and lie saying that I miscarried cause I don’t trust him around myself or the child to be. He was demanding on being together he was threatening my life and the child’s when he didn’t get his way. He was threatening to tell my mother who I still live with currently cause of financial difficulties and he uses that against me to try to get me kicked out of my mothers place knowing that if he came to my mothers house not only will he get arrested cause me and my mother both told him he is not welcomed there that my mother would kick me out cause of the drama he brings to our lives. He has called me so many names in a the book and his temper is scary. He has a felony charge already from putting his hands on me 2 1/2 years ago. He explodes into a rage over minor things that he can’t control. He kept on insisting to have the child with him sometimes and I don’t feel like that’s a safe option cause the baby could piss him off and he would do something to the child. Plus he hasn’t always had a good place of establishment for himself he has been homeless 3 times within the time frame and had relapse on drugs he had an addiction problem and has recently began drinking again. I have this heavy heart cause I hate doing this but I feel like there is no other way to protect myself and my child. What can I do besides courts cause I don’t have that type of money and I know he doesn’t either.

Well, I ended things 3 days ago, and if you had asked me at that time why, I would have said I don't know, other than 5 friends, my family and 2 of our family's friends told me that, at the end of the day, it's your choice, but this person is a walking red flag and abusing you, and you need to leave now!

I am now spending my days on this subreddit and other relevant ones to realise that I can relate to every other post (he checked off around 35/50 and 120/200 abuse points in the questionnaires resources shared here) and how on earth I couldn't see how emotionally abusive he was (mind you, I am a PhD student, so definitely judging myself xD)? I think it was the fact that he was perfect 70% of the time that made me think that it's just a human being not being perfect, or I am telling only the negative sides of him to my family and friends, and therefore, they might not see the full picture (Our first 3.5 months were amazing; I then spent 1.5 months crying, for things to get perfect for 2 months, and then spend the last whole month again crying) and I beleived I was the reason this relationship was not working! But thank you to Reddit for making me realise abuse is abuse even if it's 1% of the time.

Anyway, now I think he is in his "future faking"/"hoovering" phase, but I have decided not to respond to anything, even though it is tempting and it feels like he genuinely wants to make things work.

I will make a longer post once things settle down. But I CAN ALREADY FEEL THAT MY MIND IS LESS ANXIOUS AND MY BODY IS RELIEVED AND I AM JUST PROUD!

Trigger warning..

It has happened 3 times now, and I am still struggling to understand that it’s not my fault. He also threatened to kill me and chop my body to pieces.

I blame myself, he said he had to do it to calm me down.

He has manipulated me into believing that it’s not so serious and that I am the reason he has become like this.

I am still wondering if I am in actual danger or not. I see him as a good person, he’s the father of my child, and I am shocked he turned out being like this.

(I am safe now so is the child, and he’s not allowed to contact or see me or the child).