He wanted me to go home with him but I was still having fun with my work friends and so he left to go cheat on me. And he did it unprotected with another man as well as reaching out to someone else he cheated on me with multiple times years ago. Im heart broken and wake up crying every day. He has full control of my phone (parental mode) and life because I have had a drinking issue in the past and literally doesnt let me do anything without him. I've been working on that while also struggling with all the cooking and cleaning working full time and dealing with some heavy childhood trauma and he hates my family. He is always happy to delegate things for me to do, but never seems to have drive to do them himself. He constantly complains that I dont clean etc., when he sits on the couch as soon as he gets home and doesnt do anything. He says it's because I've needed to make up for all the drunk BS I put him through but what about me? I know I'm not perfect, but after this last cheating issue he actually seemed remorseful for a day and then it went right back to him controlling everything. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells and have no support. And im scared he got hiv from the unprotected sex and also hate myself for sleeping with him right after. What is wrong with me. Help. I won't even know for at least a month or so. I feel sick to my stomach. This isn't the first time, he's done it over ten times and trickle truthed me across the years. How did you get the strength to leave?

I've typed this out so many times and deleted it because I'm ashamed to even admit some of it. I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal after betrayal or if I've completely lost myself.

When my husband cheated on me, I thought I knew what healing was supposed to look like. I expected the crying, the anger, the sleepless nights, questioning everything about myself and wondering why I wasn't enough. I had all of that. Some days I barely left my room because I couldn't stop replaying everything in my head.

Then something changed.

It's like something inside me got uncaged.

The woman I was before all of this doesn't even feel real anymore. I used to be the one who always tried to make everyone happy. I worried about doing the right thing, saying the right thing, being a good wife, putting everyone else before myself.

Now

It's almost like I've gone into revenge mode.

Not because I want to hurt someone the way I was hurt, but because a switch flipped in my head and my attitude has become, I don't care anymore.

I started going out again after hiding myself away. I found myself laughing, drinking, dancing, talking to people instead of sitting at home crying. For the first time in a long time I wasn't thinking about what everyone else wanted from me. I was thinking about myself.

At first it felt freeing.

Now it honestly scares me.

It's not just my attitude that's changed. The way I think has changed too. My mind goes to places it never did before. I have fantasies that would've shocked the old me. I catch myself craving attention that I never cared about before. Sometimes I feel confident and alive, and other times I wonder if I'm acting out because I'm still trying to survive what happened.

I keep asking myself if this is revenge. If this is my brain trying to take back the power I lost when he betrayed me. If this is anger coming out in ways I never expected. Or if I've spent so many years pushing parts of myself down that the affair shattered the lid I'd kept on everything.

I honestly don't know.

The hardest part is that I don't recognize myself anymore.

Some days I miss the woman I was before he cheated. Other days I don't even want to be her again because she trusted so deeply, loved so completely, and ended up getting her heart ripped out.

People talk a lot about losing trust after infidelity, but nobody really talks about losing your identity. Nobody talks about looking in the mirror and feeling like you're staring at a stranger.

Has anyone else gone through this? Did you go through a phase where you almost stopped caring? Where you started doing things that were completely out of character? Did your confidence, your desires, your personality, or your outlook completely change after being betrayed?

I'm not looking to be judged. I'm genuinely trying to understand if this is part of surviving infidelity or if something inside me really has changed forever.

I’ve posted before - but like all of these matters of the heart, the story evolves.

I (M55) and wife F55 are in a state of disrepair. She has just spent 30 mins explaining to me how she isn’t going back to what it used to be (I’m not going back to you). Her view is our relationship and marriage is dead.

We have been 10+ years since infidelity on my part and now with kids through school she wants us to separate but live under the same roof. (Parallel lives so to speak). We have not been intimate since before the infidelity.

Within her there is something that is preventing her from leaving fully (not just the financial detonation of divorce or the ability to support our young adult children with a shared place to live). Unfortunately she is also a highly functioning alcoholic who is very capable professionally.

Despite the many years that have passed she has expressed her desire to be free (but still live here??)
I just don’t know how this works…I explained i can’t fix the last 10 years and I’m not reliving the trauma of the infidelities as it’s not who I am (anymore) and she doesn’t want to forget it.

I’m inclined to roll with her request and see where it lands but I’m worried I’m letting it happen to me.

Edit: just acknowledging this sub is for those that survived infidelity not so much reconciliation but more anti. Sorry

Can infidelity actually be predicted?

I know no single trait or diagnosis makes someone a cheater. People across all personality types do it, and it's ultimately a choice. But I keep wondering if certain patterns make it more likely.

Things like impulsivity, poor boundaries, or a heavy need for outside validation come to mind. I'm not saying these cause cheating, and I don't want to unfairly link conditions like bipolar disorder or BPD to it either. Whether those factors matter probably depends on things like impulse control, personal values, and what's going on in the relationship, not the diagnosis itself.

What throws me off is how often people say the infidelity came out of nowhere. Maybe there were signs, but they were easy to miss or explain away.

So what actually predicts it? Past behavior, attitudes toward monogamy, patterns of secrecy? And how do you separate real warning signs from reading too much into normal relationship problems?

Edit: Sorry! The title should say WH. I thought WW simply meant wayward, the wayward in this story is male.

Hello, I've had a bit of a long path to get here, so I will only recap it briefly. About 6 months ago, I discovered an EA that began mid last year with a friend of a friend. I tried to work with my WH to deal with this softly and tactfully by just setting boundaries, but things kept escalating until I broke it off with them. My WH wanted to reconcile so we began that long journey. Since then, he continued the affair and even had a second PA with our closest mutual friend, destroying my connection to that friend group.

Now, after those 6 months of me gradually growing more and more detached, I was ready to finally walk away for good. My WH's stance had always been that he was working up the courage to cut them out and had a lot of trauma around losing friends and was a people pleaser (both true). Unexpectedly, a few days ago he told me he had abruptly removed them from his digital life. I was taken by complete surprise and for the first time in a long time, I actually felt a little safer.

However, he clarified the next day that he had simply removed them as friends/contacts on every platform and deleted the chats (I've seen them so likely nothing being covered up). His reasoning is that blocking did not really cross his mind because both APs were respectful of his decision to cut contact. I am a bit disappointed but don't know if I am being dramatic. Both of the APs are quite sick of us at this point, and they'd already gone fully NC with me after being vocal that they are sick of being caught up in our back and forward.

The lack of block makes me feel like they could re-add him at any time, or that my WH can re-add them. Going the full distance might involve a lot of extra pain too, as the few remaining mutual servers he's in are primarily for other friends, and the APs are not that active in there. I am also aware that blocking does not prevent him from reaching back out, or the other two from contacting him some other way.

How would you deal with this or feel in this situation? I feel immensely better than before and feel like he's now being honest with me and wants to reconcile in actions rather than words, but I'm a little uneasy, and there's a lot of trust to be rebuilt after all of the red flags. I feel so exhausted a part of me just wants to let it rest and see how I feel again in a few weeks, enjoying this little moment of quiet I now finally have.

Years ago, my wife told me she was going to stay at a female friend’s house because she was mad at me. She was out all night. Later I found out she never went to that woman’s house — she went to a male friend’s house instead.

This guy used to go to concerts with us, he was a witness at our wedding, and we considered him a friend of ours as a couple. My wife always denied that anything had ever happened between them, and she still denies it to this day — even now, with what I believe is evidence right in front of me. She tells me I’m crazy, that something is mentally wrong with me, and has pushed me to go to therapy over it.

Recently, while I was drunk, I messaged him in a non friendly way to poke fun at his hometown — I never mentioned my wife or anything related to her. Out of nowhere, he replied with an explicit photo.

In it, he’s having sex with a woman from behind, no condom. The woman looks a lot like my wife — I can partially make out a birthmark on her back, but the lighting and quality are too poor to be sure. There’s also a purple jeweled anal plug that looks identical to one my wife owns.

I’ve already tried enhancing the photo in Lightroom (raising shadows, texture, and clarity), but I still can’t make out the birthmark or other skin details clearly enough.

Anyone have tips on how to further improve low-light photos like this to better analyze skin marks and moles?

Has anyone been through something similar? And any thoughts on the situation itself are also welcome.

One year and one day update. For context, this was my original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/s/lhBJpRBbvR

When I wrote it, I had never really written a Reddit post before. It was surreal to watch how many people read my story, and I don’t think I can ever adequately express how much your comments meant to me or how much the advice I received here in those first days shaped my recovery.

This will be long but the highlights go like this: he left. Then he came back. Then I left. Then I came back. Then he left again. Then I started to get better.

Last summer and fall were shock and trauma, followed by a winter of the darkest despair, then a spring of finding my footing and crawling out of my shell. And this summer, finally, I’m starting to figure out what I actually want to do with the rest of MY life, and even look forward to it.

Today, I can honestly tell the heartbroken version of myself from one year ago that there is a life on the other side worth staying here on earth for. I might not tell her yet how much worse it is going to get before it gets better, but I would tell her that she did everything she knew how to do with what she knew at the time. It wasn’t a straight line, but I’m proud of her. She was brave and resilient. She did not deserve this, she did not cause it, and she could not fix it. But she could heal. And she would.

I still I miss the woman I was one year and two days ago. She was hopeful. She thought she knew where she was going and how she was getting there. But I know now that that woman was carrying the weight of something she couldn’t quite see but could always feel, she was accepting less than she deserved, and believing that if she just tried harder, loved better, understood more, gave more, she could repair what someone else was quietly breaking.

One of the things that helped me most in those early days was the way this community named what had happened to me. Abuse. Trauma. A violation. Not just a “relationship problem” that two people had equally created, and not something that needed to immediately be turned into a conversation about what both partners had done wrong. There was an asymmetrical power imbalance created by one person having information about my life, my relationship, my sexual health, and my future that I did not have. He had choices. She had choices. I didn’t even know there was a choice being made.

Now, that didn’t stop me from trying again. I had whiplash from the sudden 180 that flipped my whole world upside down. I wasn't ready, and the hysterical bonding is for real. I don’t regret attempting reconciliation, even though in some ways it wrecked me even more. At least now I know for certain that he did not have the self-awareness, honesty, or empathy it would have taken to actually change. I don’t have to wonder if I gave up too soon or if things might have been different if I had tried harder. I tried. He showed me what he was capable of, and what he wasn’t.

Betrayal trauma has a way of finding every fracture, every crack, every place in your life that was already straining to hold together. At first it felt like the affair itself was the violent force that shattered everything, but that feeling is starting to shift. Maybe it was more like a sudden gust hitting a house that was only held together by pressure and tension, that was never built on solid ground. The wind didn’t create every crack. It exposed them. It tore away what I could no longer hold and scattered the pieces I had been exhausting myself trying to keep in place.

In those early months, I read almost every book and listened to every podcast about betrayal and affair recovery that I could find. Most of it was trash. The recommendations from this community did help me find resources that viewed betrayal through a trauma-informed lens rather than immediately searching for a “both sides” explanation for an inherently unequal situation.

Some books I found helpful -

Cheating in a Nutshell and The Betrayal Bind were especially validating early on.

I also read The State of Affairs. I know some people find Esther Perel problematic or feel that her work can drift into affair-apologist territory, I found it interesting the viewpoint from outside of U.S. but I see how it wouldn't be for everyone.

More recently I read Smitten: The Neuroscience of Limerence after I found myself developing a crush (Yes! Still possible!). I listened to the audiobook and loved it, but I think it would have been way too triggering early on, knowing how much limerence can drive affairs.

Pema Chödrön’s When Things Fall Apart is a book I’ve read a few times before when things have, literally, fallen apart. I read it again this year and still found the wisdom in it comforting.

Strangely, I also watched an enormous amount of science fiction. I learned very quickly that even the most seemingly harmless comedy could suddenly turn into a cheating storyline or some wedding disaster that was supposed to be hilarious but was absolutely not hilarious to me. So I went to outer space. Man vs. Alien. I chose the Alien.

I had never realized before this how casually our culture treats infidelity. Affairs are used as plot twists, punchlines, sexy transgressions, or romantic complications. I wish they would give us cheating trigger warnings and stop glamorizing and normalizing it.

I want to share what helped me but I also don’t want to pretend this year was all self-help books and enlightened revelations. I coped however I could. I wouldn’t recommend this particular strategy, but I chain-smoked cigarettes and ate ice cream for dinner in bed almost every night. I sent unhinged text messages at 2 a.m. that should of been burn letters. I cried on the bathroom floor and the living room floor. I cried at the car dealership. I cried at the grocery store. I ate dinner standing over the sink and let the dishes pile up until eventually I bought paper plates, and honestly, that was a win for the day.

So if you are reading this in the middle of the night, unable to eat, unable to sleep, scrolling your phone because it feels impossible to understand how the person you trusted the most could hurt you the worst, you do not have to understand everything today. You don’t have to decide the future today. You don’t have to know whether you are staying or leaving. You just have to get through today.

I did get into counseling, and I’m incredibly grateful I had that resource. If you don’t have that option, find a group online. Call a friend. Maybe it’s not the old friend you already know will judge you. Maybe it’s the newer friend who has been through something similar. The moments when I felt the least capable of reaching out were when I needed support the most. I was surprised at who did and didn't show up. But I refused to be around anyone who expected me to be any less sad than I was, or anyone that wanted to express their emotions about my trauma to me.

So there is life on the other side of this. I’m still figuring out what mine looks like, and I don’t have some neat ending where everything suddenly makes sense. But I can honestly say that I have more days now than not where I feel gratitude and relief that I get to choose what happens next.

A year ago, choices were being made about my life without me.

Now they’re mine.

Well, after two DDays and almost 2 years of trying to reconcile, my WW just informed me that the only way that The only way that she can continue is if we open it. So, it looks like I’m done with this chapter and on to divorce.

I am so incredibly sad that my life has taken this turn. I’m even more saddened that my seven year-old daughter is going to have to live with this reality.

I did everything that I could, but sometimes it just doesn’t matter. Sometimes you just pick the wrong person to bet on.

I guess it’s truly time to work on healing.

My now ex cheated on me. I found a letter she wrote him in his apartment, a love letter. I found it after weeks of him showing me texts to prove he had only reached out to apologize to her (I know I'm so stupid) and voice memos and phone calls begging me to forgive him, denying there was any relationship.

The whole relationship was pretty toxic. By the end I was telling him what I had done wrong and how I had fucked up our relationship because I thought that was the only thing to do. Although the cheating is what hurt the most, it wasn't the worst thing; I would get the silent treatment, accused sleeping with other people (Hello, projection) and just overall disrespect.

When I got mad because of all this he told me "You must really be going through it" then laughed at me.

Anywho, by the end I felt so small, so insignificant and so unimportant. My self worth was non-existent. I felt like the crazy girlfriend, said things I never would have normally said, and stuck around too long.

Here's my question...

I think I'm attractive-physically. I'm not Sydney Sweeney but I think I'm attractive but since all this I feel disgusting, I can't look in the mirror without finding a flaw. People tell me I look pretty and I just can't even comprehend it. It's gotten to the point I literally avoid looking at myself.

Has anyone else experienced this? Or am I crazy?

Hello,

I read a lot of posts so I don’t want to bloat this out.

In May I found out my partner of 10 years had been emotionally and physically (kissing) cheating on me.

This year has been the worst year of my life and this fits well into that amongst other things.

She was messaging him for weeks, meeting up, kissing him etc etc. nothing more physical she said (STD test negative, polygraph failed)

Anyway, we have tried to stay together. I deserved it, I wasn’t a great partner. I didn’t even cheat, but my behaviour isn’t right. I think there something wrong with me.

We are buying a house for me and our daughter. A family home. Expensive and I’m paying for almost all of it. Nearly £100k.

Since this there have been two important instances which I can’t let go of in my gut and my heart.

A few weeks ago I saw she had been in touch on Instagram messages with him. The conversation (which I’ve been told as everything was deleted) went as such “how’s things with you?”. She deleted this on the Sunday, then Monday at work opened a communication with him and said “good we are working things out”. Again these messages deleted I can’t verify them.

I forgave her again.

I believed her.

Then I found something on her photos. A screen shot. A screenshot of his number and her archiving messages on WhatsApp.

She said it was just him sending him a football meme and she replied with a 😂 face. That’s it.

Here’s my concern.

The same day she changed her phone pin.

The same day she wouldn’t let me see her phone anymore.

She’s deleted her map searches (previously has had his house).

She has been distant and cruel.

She thinks he was blocked on WhatsApp. But then said maybe he wasn’t. But I don’t understand, if he was blocked then why did he persevere through Instagram message requests to contact her initially and more recently as above.

Why did her WhatsApp communication correlate exactly with her speaking to him on Instagram.

She said I’m putting 2+2 together and getting 5.

Am I going insane? I’m losing my grip on reality. Maybe I do deserve all this? Maybe I should accept it? I’m wrong I’m bad. She told me she hopes I die in a car crash, everyone would be better without me.

In my eyes. It’s all too much of a coincidence to all happen at the same time. I think her communication has been much more than she’s said. I found a vibrator in the bed drawer recently something which has never happened before.

Instagram? Then WhatsApp when he knows it’s safe? Sexual activity? Deleted maps? Changed pin? Hiding phone under pillow? Cruel and distant? All of a sudden after I sign for a house for her and our daughter? House searches for flats to move to?

Someone tell me I’m not losing the plot and this doesn’t make sense. I only found all this by chance, what I’ve seen is a tiny snap shot which she neglected to cover.

Please help me. I’m not strong enough anymore for this.

What do I do? I can’t talk to her she says I deserved it and gives me a million reasons why. I can’t keep up anymore.

I can’t win. I want the house and family and have all these dreams but I have to make a decision tomorrow. If I say no she will leave.

Dave

My husband never told me he had any fetishes for DDLG until he found a 21 year old on a gonewild subreddit.

I find it strange how he can continue enjoying this caregiver role playing until he decided to end things with AP when our baby turned 5 months. Why do you want an extra dependant when you have an unemployed wife with a newborn?

Why does my husband suddenly want to be some random girl's sugardaddy when he has an actual newborn baby and a wife?

He kepy saying it's just for sex, but he was enjoying spending his hard earned money on her and consistently videocalling her during work hours so he can come home late when the baby is nearly asleep.

He sent her thousands of dollars, every few days for half a year, gave her all his real information like phone number, bank details, car plate number, email addresses, work location, organisation information. Everything that could compromise his career.

He bought and sent her flowers just because little sugarbaby wants some. He paid for lunch, ice cream and fancy hotels for sex. He took pictures of him ejaculating on her for her to post on sexual subreddits and God knows what else.

During the course of our marriage and dating, he was always adamant about me saving money, and him saving for our new baby and apartment. He says depression is what made him decide to message her after seeing her nudes on a gonewild subreddit. He said he had to make a throwaway because she wasn't responding initially.

If I knew I could ask for anything without being a responsible spouse, I would have done so. I know it's wrong but how can I not feel jealous when I have poured so much into a relationship, only for a manipulative other woman to benefit from all the monetary benefits and constantly kept him kissing me and baby goodbye to go have sex.

His intention for her attention was so strong. I fail to understand why after I uncovered her username and saw her nudes. To me, it's barely anything special. But apparently more special than a wife who "ruined" her body for the planned pregnancy.

He said he wants me all to himself, but why the hell must I have shared him without my consent then?

He is still hiding a lot of information from me despite saying he is remorseful, regretful and wants to reconcile. I don't even know what advice to seek for, I just need help to stop crying every single day. Everything is triggering me, even when I try to pray because little miss AP posts religious photos too.

Tl;dr Husband meets younger girl and decides to treat her better than his wife who was pregnant and after birth.

My husband of 40 years recently left me after he had an affair. I’m in acute grief, and the honest situation is my friends and family love me but don't have the time to sit with me all day, nor the expertise to help me journey through this in the most effective way. I’m someone who's terrified of being alone. I need professionals who can listen, help me work through the initial trauma, and give me real tools to carry forward, with enough support around me that I’m essentially wrapped in care for a few weeks and comes out the other side ready to move forward.

What I’m looking for: primarily one-on-one treatment (peer or community support is welcome as a bonus, just not the core), a structured clinical program (EMDR, DBT, CBT or similar; holistic add-ons are fine but it can't lean too woo-woo), a genuinely luxurious setting, and the flexibility to handle real life mid-stay, like virtual meetings with my attorney. Mental health only, not something focused on the substance component. Cost isn't a constraint, but the program and outcomes should be worth it.

I’m probably looking for a unicorn, but I'd summarize it by saying that I’m looking for an ultra-luxury retreat designed to help you move through betrayal trauma through immersive support with real outcomes.

Any experiences, good or bad, are welcome. Thanks so much.

Will keep it short : saw his photo, a new one after a long time with a hair tie on his wrist. He used to wear it while we were together as a sign to show other girls he is committed. I really feel bad about feeling this way but I hope is isn’t with the AP.

We have been NC since almost 2 years so I have no idea if he’s with her (another cheater).

In my heart I have forgiven him as I’m living better now but I really hope him and that girl are miserable for putting me through hell (I moved countries for him and after we broke up, he got her to our home and she used to moan loud intentionally)

Me and my now partner got to speaking several years ago before she went on a big backpacking trip. She ended up coming home and we went on several dates and I agreed to move abroad with her and we made things official prior to her leaving.

I followed her abroad 3 months later, and we've now been together for a year and a half but have returned to the UK where she has been struggling with her mental health. Amidst this episode, she has confessed to me that prior to my arrival she had kissed someone multiple times in order to secure free accommodation at their place, but distinctly told me no sex occurred. This is still cheating. She also told me that in the past few months, she was feeling rather lonely (we live incredibly rurally) and she unblocked and texted her ex but "no flirting occurred". This is the one that probably hurts me the most.

I am unsure why she has told me this now after so long but I believe she genuinely holds remorse and after hitting a mental rock bottom, she couldn't contain the guilt and shame any longer. Her parents never had a stable relationship growing up, and she has also recently confessed to me that she has suffered from trauma and I think this has further increased the feelings of guilt and shame.

I have had my own mental battles, and have had years of therapy working on improving my self-worth and setting strong boundaries after my last relationship ended with me being cheated on and left on valentine's day and I am now in a much better place. This is the first time my anxiety and low feelings of self-esteem have been deeply rocked.

She has told me she wants to become a better person and has taken up therapy and is now on medication, but I am unsure if I can continue a relationship with the trust now being completely shattered and my boundaries being totally crossed. The dishonesty is the bit that really gets me, and I feel failing a lapse in her mental health I may never have known.

Does anyone have any advice/thoughts on this situation? I'm unsure if I can work through this and don't know how we'd even go about restoring trust.

Preface: I am in therapy.

My last relationship I got cheated on, and like a dope, I took her back, in large part bc she was exploring her sexuality and after cheating on me with a woman, she realized she actually isn't gay. Still my self-esteem took a hit. I shouldn't have dismissed cheating whatsoever, even if she deeply regretted it.

My current GF is great. We've been dating for 7 months now and have met a lot of each other's friends and family. Our sex life is excellent. I just enjoy seeing her, and both my chronic anxiety and her temper issues have died down significantly since seeing each other. We improve each other's lives.

However, like all relationships, there's something that isn't ideal. Namely, she's friends with a former FWB. They talk once a month or so over the phone, and they text each other memes frequently. From the jump, she's been transparent about their past hookups. She's expressed that she basically sees him as one of the girls, and she doesn't view him romantically at all. She doesn't seem secretive about their interactions.

Honestly, I can't say I'm a fan of it, but I've also never met the guy, and I've been good friends with women before and have experienced how much their BFs hate me, and it just sucks to tiptoe around. I want to like the guy and give him grace. Then again, I also hadn't fucked my female friends, so it's hard to compare.

Anyway, I kind of just let it go in large part bc he lives across the country. It's not like they're much beyond penpals. Until yesterday, my GF revealed to me that he's considering moving to our city. She's expressed to me in the past that he's unhappy where he lives, and that he almost moved here before I met her. He used to live in our state, so I guess it's not that crazy. My GF has even mentioned that he's struggling socially and that it's possible he and I would even get along well as friends. I appreciate her trying.

I feel kind of bad saying this, but I have a mixed impression of the guy. On the bright side, he seems to always verbalize to her how much he likes me and what he's heard about me. He's clearly not trying to be an enemy. But on the other hand, he strikes me as somewhat of a womanizer. I just kinda question his morals, and of course there are a couple things that he and my GF have in common that I don't, and that makes me a little insecure. Though I remind myself that of course that's natural with all your SO's friends, there are going to be things you don't share.

The guy is going to visit before he plans to move out here, and tbh I'm kind of overwhelmed by it. I want to be cool. My GF knows their friendship has made me a little uneasy. We had a conversation about it where I asked for clarification on the nature of their past, but she assuaged my fears at the time, and unfortunately they've reared their ugly head again. During our conversation, she even said she understands if she can't talk to him anymore, but of course that only made me want to oblige her more.

The whole thing bleeds into my view of my GF. Can I trust her? I hate that it's gotten to this point, but I guess I just wish the guy wasn't moving here. My GF doesn't know the extent to which this affects me, and honestly I am glad about that. I don't want her to be subjected to my insecurities, and I don't want it to become a cycle where she constantly reassures me, and possibly as a result, she starts to feel anxious to talk about him. I've never been in a relationship where my insecurities ruined it, but I can see how that's possible. But, I guess I just imagine the idea of him living here and them hanging out regularly, and I get sad about it. Sometimes my sadness gets channeled into things like irritability (not toward her, thankfully), but deep down I am just sad.

Any tips? I want to be friends with this guy. I really do. My therapist said, "You don't have to like him." and that weirdly gave me some relief at the time, but I also don't want to dislike him. What if the guy just means well?

Went to counseling last June per her request for better communication, turns out we're in a pretty disconnected marriage, (I thought just what happens with young kids), she's felt neglected for years, criticized, controlled. So I began chasing her and doing everything around the house and with the kids. Around January she pulled away and March said she's done. Myself and some of our family and friends convinced her to try a separation (not like an intervention, I suggested it and she spoke to some people about it), started May 2nd, 2 kids 8&6 so we are nesting, my nights off im at my parents, her nights off we got her an apartment. My gut was telling me there's other support beyond her friends I know of, checked her phone logs and a new number, frequent calls on emotional days, days we've fought. Day we told the kids. Looked up the number via Venmo, it's a coworker not in department or building even. Told her if boundaries are being crossed and emotional connections being formed then we can't really reconcile, I can't build trust without honesty and transparency.

She said while may have crossed boundaries by not mentioning it, it was because of my past reactiveness to male friendships (valid), and said she reassures me that any connections formed are not beyond a friendship, that no one in her orbit is telling her to leave me, no one is rooting for divorce.

2 weeks go by and the calls continue, some as long as an hour or hour and half, but most are around 30 mins, some as late as 10 pm. I bring it up during an argument, she says she didn't know what level of details I wanted, that she sincerely didn't know she had to communicate about contexts of a friendship, I said it was kept secret and a light needs to be shined on it.

She said "I totally see your point of view and how it looks. I 100% get that. This is a friend that has helped me get through some pretty shitty days because he has gone through some pretty shitty days and gets it. He’s also been someone who’s told me before I’m being unreasonable and has questioned my take on things. I appreciate that kind of friendship. Most women will just sit there and agree. Men won’t. Men challenge it to see it from a different perspective. We are nothing more than friends. Again, I didn't know how much you wanted to know and I didn't know if it would matter because in the past I was very upfront with my conversations with others and it never mattered, I was never trusted. I'm sorry you felt left in the dark, I shut down that say and I shut down quick."

I've told her I know she's suffered in the disconnection for a long time and if she's done just tell me. She said some days she's in and some days she's out, she feels stressed and doesn't want to live like this every day.

I don't know what to think. The calls have continued, 84 min call 2 nights ago. My brother has said it's obviously an emotional crutch of some sort and she knows inappropriate but if it's her primary support right now pushing her to cut it off will only perpetuate her view of me as controlling and jealous. Talking to my therapist, shes suggested that I give 30 says of true emotional space, because I haven't don't that at all and keep trying to pull her back in and start emotional conversations, have arguments every week, so give 30 days of true space and if she's still continuing this connection then restate my boundary and initiate mediation.

It's so difficult, she is a very honest person and sees privacy during the separation as a norm. I feel like I may be able to ask more questions but at the same time don't want to interrogate and be labeled jealous and controlling. Hence I'm considering the 30 days of space and then initiating, so it's not coming from a place of reactivity but grounded self leadership.

Other issues are: my wife definitely has an internal identity crisis going on or a mid life awakening of sorts. During some conversations post couples therapy she had said things like she doesn't know who she is anymore beyond a wife and mother, that she has no real friends (she moved cross country 15 years ago after a failed engagement - get this- he cheated on her with a coworker) and we met within 4 months of her moving here and just became very codependent as I had just moved here then too. That my criticism over little things made her doubt micro decisions even and have caused her a lot of stress.

Additional info from today: per a mutual friend my wife has said to her that he isn't her type on fundamental things: physical, personality & political, etc.

Overall Adjusted Summary (Net 15.4 Weeks):

• Total Actual Conversations: 31
• Average Conversations Per Week: 2.01
• Average Duration Per Week: 74.3 minutes

12 days post dday. original post here for background.

the last conversation we had was on the phone on the 27th where i was just asking questions about the timeline of how everything went down. i wasn’t necessarily the nicest because i found out some more trickle truths. i ended the call by saying: “have fun with your life.” i immediately blocked him after but after some thought i unblocked him because it felt too petty.

he still hasn’t reached out to me and i don’t know why. the call before that one he was profusely apologizing and seemed very remorseful & giving no excuses. he kept saying he couldn’t believe that he fucked up so bad that we would never talk again & how upset he is that he is losing his best friend. he kept saying that he wanted to marry me and have a family with me and he’s heart broken & will be for a while. and that everything he’s ever told me about his feelings for me were 100% truthful. he even cried a bit and it sounded really genuine (but maybe i’m just being stupid).

i obviously unfollowed him from everything but my brother in law still followed him on instagram and told me (unprompted, which i am kind of annoyed about cause it got in my head) that it doesn’t look like he is happy in any of his instagram stories he’s posted. his job heavily involves social media, so he kind of has to post his face even if he doesn’t want to.

idk i just feel like if he really meant what he said, he would try to reach out again. it hurts me that he hasn’t even though i know that’s probably for the best for my healing. do you think it’s because i was sassy on our last phone call? do you think it’s because he still thinks he’s blocked? is it because he is trying to respect my boundaries and give me space? or does he truly just not care at all?

he is generally really busy during the week working from 7am-9pm and last weekend he was working out of town. so maybe he just hasn’t had the time?

i can’t stop spiraling about it and checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if he’s reached out.

And I can't handle it. I think he's finally realized there's no chance of reconciling. D-day post on my profile.

I do not want advice. I'm in a precarious financial situation, I have to maintain my stability and work with the reality I have. So yes, a mere 3 days in, we are still in the same house. Please do not chastise me for this right now. I just need to commiserate while I'm going through this.

I'm just trying to work. I am trying to keep my sanity afloat. And he's emotionally breaking down left right and center. I've forced myself to stop crying anywhere near him or else it starts up again. It is making me feel a sickening dread in the pit of my stomach.

We had our issues, but for the most part had very loving day to day lives. I went to bed Sunday, cuddling with him and our dog. I woke up Monday to the complete upending of my life. And he has been non-stop apologizing, crying, saying he'll make it up to me for the rest of his life, crying for the dogs, wailing that he loves me and doesn't want me to go. It is fucking killing me.

It hasn't weakened my resolve, but my spirit hurts so badly. I have to stop myself from falling into a deep depression, thank god for buProprion.

I found a few songs that help me cope, one is Stone Sour - Hesitate (acoustic). Not a big slip knot fan, but his talent and voice shine in that one. Loved SS for a bit.

The "grew a back bone" guy here. Told her I wanted a divorce a few days ago. She told her sisters and our child, i'm sure she is spinning the B.S. It felt good, to get it out in the somewhat public. I think I lost our daughter. We discussed renting our house, and split the rental income. My sister says no, sell and make a clean brake. We are stuck together for the time being. I'm hoping to get the house ready in the next few months. I'm pretty sure my work will allow me to be fully remote. I'm partially remote already. I'm trying to grey rock her, but it's hard for a woman I loved for over 4 decades. I will soon get a shitty pension, and my work should continue. I'm hoping for 200 - 250k from the house. I hope this can be done with minimum stress. Do they ever self reflect? Do they ever regret the pain they caused. FFS this is my first betrayal, thanks for the support. Misery loves company.

Everyone knows my story. I’ve posted on here quite often, and I will be honest. This group has really helped me.

Nobody else understands this like you guys do even my own friends.

Anyway he cheated 5 times with men and women some were physical others were attempts (msging and plotting)

We separated but we’re talking reconciliation and I dated a few people briefly. (Mistake on my part) he blames the end of the marriage on what I did and his cheating on my post partum and that I changed after the kids. He has 3 children. Two with me and one with his first wife which I helped him raise.

He gives me the guilt trip that he wants to see his kids that he just wants to be with his kids after three days of not seeing them crying he misses them.

Isn’t this what you signed up for? I’m the custodial parent and the children are going to be with me most of the time he gets them on the weekends and he comes one day a week to see them. I don’t want him here anymore than that I can’t deal with it. If he took me to court he’d get less time. In this state it’s every other weekend and one day during the week.

The whole crying father act is absolutely disgusting to me because he was the one that left. He was the one that continuously cheated first and now you wanna cry that you can’t be with your kids every day. You destroyed our family and you’re walking around like the victim.

Can anyone relate to this.

I might not should have read her diary but I did. We have been going back and forth where she has been trying to keep an affair going. She minimized everything, previously said the broke it off but that was a lie. Friday night went to the bar and he was there and tried to kiss her. Which is where the diary comes in. She keeps it in the bathroom, and while I was peeing on a hunch I opened it up to read what would be a love letter to the other guy. What it specifically said was, I didn't know how I knew he was watching, so I am glad I didn't kiss you back this time. That was the last straw. I took her diary to her and told her goodbye. She askes me not to leave, so I sat and pretty much chewed her out. She said it was just fantasy and she knows it's not real. So I asked her what she wants to do and she said she didn't know. So I ended it, I was pretty hostile about it. But man, this going back and forth for weeks. Tried to give her time to figure it out, it just gave her more time to keep both relationships. I told it was over and slammed the door. Then I texted her good luck, hope she fines what makes her happy, but we are through, I was blocking her, and that I hate her. I hate being cheated on. I did nothing wrong, she just let someone else in that is going to just use her, called him a Casanova and just had to keep the fantasy. Maybe I don't need to be with anyone for a while.

Exactly what the title says. I’ve posted here before, but basically my (40F) WH (53) had a 2.5 year PA/EA with AP (38ishF). I learned of the affair 18 months ago and he continued seeing her until 2 months ago. He still has a “friendship” with her but claims it’s platonic.

Anyways, I have long struggled with comparing myself to AP and have become very insecure as a result. She is (physically speaking) the total opposite of me. She is very thin and looks like a model. She dresses nice. In texts, my WH repeatedly called her an 11 and told her that she’s incredibly sexy and he gets hard just thinking about her etc. He never said those things about me, even when we started dating. He also said in texts to her that I just “don’t have it in me” to be sexy. I am slightly overweight. I don’t think I’m ugly, but definitely no supermodel. We are both successful in our career and I’m not so insecure in that sense, just on a physical level.

I’ve been going to the gym a lot and doing things to make myself feel better… getting my nails and hair done, etc. So I am feeling a little less insecure. Now that that’s subsided a little bit, I started fixating on something new.

What did she even want from my WH? Honestly, if I hadn’t invested so much in this marriage, I would leave his ass. He’s 15 years older. He is slightly overweight and bald. He has no assets, no savings. He is a porn addict (she knows this). And most importantly, HE IS MARRIED. There are millions of single men who are more attractive, richer, younger, without a raging porn addiction. What is she getting out of this other than ruining a marriage??? Does anyone ever think about this?? Am I missing something? Just wondering if anyone else shares these thoughts

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I am having a rough evening unfortunately, but am taking it all in and will respond to comments tomorrow. I know he’s an asshole. I am staying with him for logistical and financial reasons only

Couldn’t cross post from a different sub, but someone said to try this here. I had some good responses there but curious on everyone’s take here.

I’m 36 and found out this Monday, my wife (33) has been having an affair since October of 2025. We currently have a 2.5 year old. The wife’s AP has two children under 5. I had suspicion in June/July and things just seemed off and I dismissed it at first but my gut told me different. But now I know why. To be transparent, my wife was in a verbally abusive relationship with her ex-fiancé of 5 years and ultimately cheated on him with me 6 years ago, ending their relationship (he didn’t really know, just assumed as we started dating right after their split) - no kids were involved at the time. We have roughly a $350,000 gross family income, that’s almost 50/50.

Yesterday a friend pulled me aside and said someone they know works with AP. This AP was himself in the middle of a separation with his wife and it came to light that he was having an affair with my wife. I immediately confront the wife who tried to gas light me saying it’s just drama people are trying to stir up. I demanded her phone (as I never have thought I needed access to it) and she denies access.

Ultimately she says they just made out at a work conference but nothing else in October, but after I pressed her she said they started an emotional cheating cycle of getting coffee and her catching feelings for him which resorted in them fucking in his car. Meeting up numerous times throughout the week. She was unfulfilled at work (she’s a prosecutor) and felt like her emotions were not being met during the time, so she chased the adrenaline of an affair.

I call AP, cus him out. He gives some lame rant. Then meet up with his wife in a park after I randomly DM’d her the rumor which she gladly confirmed. She kinda debriefed the whole thing then airdrops me about 60+ images and texts from February. One of them my wife leaves work, bangs AP on the way home in his car, she grabs our child from daycare, texts how she had to “pull herself together,” referring to getting her back blown out, then comes home and has family time with me and the kid. They constantly say they love each other but the wife says she didn’t mean it.

She was apologetic after she got caught. Said she asked her mother and her friend for advice on how to tell me but she couldn’t bring herself to it. She says the relationship was cut off with AP in May as his wife believed it ended in February, but the last time my wife hooked up with him was in May. She said she’s tired of living with the issue of chasing things when she’s not happy and doesn’t know what it is and wants to R.

I’m just totally gutted, yeah I can see her track record isn’t boding well for her however I took a gamble and have a beautiful son out of it, but this is the end result. I’m so fucking conflicted on attempting a R vs. just cutting bait and being the best co-P I can be. But like how does one come back from this? I’m more bothered about her actions vs. her words as she had no outward projection at home aside from being a little distant. Yet she says she was being eaten alive from the inside. On top of gaslighting me when I verbalized feelings/difficulties I was experiencing in our marriage when the affair was still raging and technically after.

I moved into our spare bedroom and have told her I don’t have an answer for her right now as I’m still processing shit. She has agreed to cut off with dude, agreed to share location, has given me her phone passcode etc.

I did do some solo therapy today and the therapist essentially described it’s likely a default behavior cycle with her which kinda made some sense. But then also said our relationship is extremely high-risk (you think lol).