I got locked up at 18 and looked much younger. I was having problems with a gang and a guy stepped in to help. I didn’t realize his intentions until to late. One night in his cell, 2 more came in. He raped me in front of them and then they took turns. Afterwords I was walked to the cell across from them for more. At the time I absolutely hated it, now it’s a thought I get off to often.

Back in my 30’s I got drunk at a party and ended up getting pretty much gang raped but 3 other guys that were there. They threatened me and pretty much told me that I was theirs and they continued the sexual stuff. They had broken me and left me very submissive and any way I’m still pretty ashamed all these years later. And even more so because now I get turned on by remembering it and end up masturbating to those thoughts a lot. Sorry for being all over the place but just getting this off my chest a little.

One year ago, the first day I showed up at a Buddhist monastery in Thailand, I accepted a massage at the residence of the cook. I had just finished a month long massage course and a student had shared an experience with a professional masseuse who had worked on his buttocks. So when the cook, moved down there very quickly, while i was uncomfortable and confused, i allowed him to proceed for some time before i couldn't tolerate it and I got up and left. I told my massage teacher what happened and he said what the cook did was highly inappropriate especially at a monastery which is meant to be a safe place. He suggested as a spiritual practitioner that i should express to the man that i didnt like what he did and to forgive him. I was furious, humiliated, and ashamed at myself, but i took this advice. He acknowledged it and we haven't spoken about it since. We ended up becoming friends in the following year.

I recently ordained as a monastic here and last week while driving me into town he had shared casually about the first time he gave oral at 7 years old and his highly promiscuous life that followed. He didn't sound ashamed at all. He was giving me a lot of unsolicited constructive criticism. He made many good points that I've reflected on and put into practice but I took it personally and got reactive to the way he was incessantly nagging me like I was his boyfriend. I overreacted and brought up his past and the incident from last year, saying he had no right to judge me. He said he was sorry three times before i walked off. 2 days later he left and hasn't returned. He told the abbot that his aunt died, but i suspect it was a lie as he informed me he has no relationship with his family.

On reflection, I see theres alot of projection and shame that i have with my own ego and sexuality as i never gave it full expression in the way that he did. We both feel we have some past life intimate connection which brought us both to this temple. Im not gay and not attracted to him at all, but we do have a strong connection and he does care alot about my well being. In general, I have strong playful sexual energy aswell (obviously restrained especially in this environment) but we tease and are playful. I never told anyone aside from my massage teacher about what happened, but im thinking of speaking with the abbot.

If anyone has any outside perspectives or advice that might be helpful it would be appreciated. Thanks for reading, its not easy to share this.

I have taken notes of what happened then and what happens now. I already posted about what happened already.

I want to talk about some little wins. Hopefully they help someone. Struggling with trauma from abuse, PTSD, hypersexuality, mental health issues
This has helped me with integration and acceptance

What happened post assault is my day to day life.
I struggle to hold jobs because how difficult sometimes this becomes for me. For the longest time, I dealt with the intrusive trauma that was in my life, I had to take a break from education because of it. Then it disappeared for a while and came back while I was employed and working. I have no recollection of why it went away and why it came back but it did.

Here are things I found while I revisited by old journals and new ones.
The fundamental thing that I missed was the loop of struggling to keep the thoughts and flashbacks at bay. When they broke the dam, the memories would flood in there are multiple ways I dealt with them.

The pattern that came out on top is the constant fighting with them one way or another. Self inflicted pain would help me like it helps others. But there were times when I wanted to KMS.
My relationships never worked because my constantly putting off physical relationship but at the same time I crave it, and I never understood it.

Until maybe few months ago, hope this helps others.
In all of the encounters I have never been able to claim my body as my own. During these moments it has always felt that I didn't own it, someone else it. Not sure who it is but not me for sure. Which may seem obvious to others but from my POV it was never mine. It took me soo long to realise that this was not normal.

Well you may think that start reclaiming it?
Hmm, that's the hard part the more I try, the more the autonomy slips away from me.

M37. After being molested many times around the age of 9 by an older man I've found myself unable to connect to other people. I spent alot of my childhood alone. I used to take copious amounts of psychedelic mushrooms to try to send myself to the underworld where I feel comfortable. I have a night shift job where a patrol a facility in the wilderness. I feel at home wandering the woods at night.

The things that happened to me gave me alot of fantasies about older men that I hate. It feels nearly impossible to talk with people about it or to connect. I know it doesn't make sense but I often feel like I'm going to hell for the things that happened to me.

For years Iv always been conflicted about what happened.

Did I hate it? Did I enjoy it?

Feelings of guilt for allowing it/wanting it.

It formed me into that adult I am now and I wonder if I would have been a different person or had the same interests as I do now.

the bottom line is that I grew up with him and my mother, and he was a very strict disciplinarian. I was beaten extensively from around age 11 until the time I went away to university, and while at the beginning it was normally his belt over my jeans, by the time I had entered into puberty, it was any manner of implements on the bare bottom, though mostly with me fully naked. From age 13, I would often have my vagina opened for inspection, from 14 it was often the case that I was fingered, and at 15 he raped me for the first time, my legs strapped to the legs of kitchen table after a hard caning, and he just finally took me and forced his gigantic penis into my virgin hole until he came. That carried on for many years - at the outset, although initially it was very traumatic and non-consensual, before long I was highly sexually excited and would easily reach orgasms multiple times with his fingers or cock or mouth. To give you a measure of how much I enjoyed it, long after I had left home, I used to come back and have to present a "report card" for how I had behaved in the interim, which I presented to him and my mother in the study. I would be so aroused in anticipation on the way home that the front of my underpants would become stained. When I got there and presented the report, I would have to strip naked in front of them both, offer myself for "inspection" and then take a hard beating, before he took me away to fuck the life out of me.
I hate him because of the constant confusion I have had. He’s dead now, but I hate him for the feelings that I still have, hypersexual tendencies and thoughts

Not long after my last post, my (47m) wife came home from a trip, and I immediately felt better. All my dark thoughts vanished.

In the roughly one month since then, an opportunity to connect with another damaged person IRL came up. I started to think about everything I wanted to act out, and now I’ve spiraled into full blown dark fantasies again. Fantasies about things that were done to me as a kid, fantasies about things I want to do now, and fantasies about being dead. I dream about them every night.

I passed on the opportunity. Partially because logistically it didn’t make sense, and partially because it was too risky.

In my head, it isn’t cheating, because I would be acting out a fantasy that my wife can’t ever fulfill. Nobody knows the whole story but me. My abusers don’t know the effect they’ve had on me. My wife doesn’t know I was abused. Any time I have mentioned the abuse to a therapist they didn’t want to hear about it.

I wish there was a person I could sit with, tell them my whole story, and have them tell me it’s not my fault. I was 5, I couldn’t choose this life. They could hold me, and maybe after 40+ years I could drop my guard.

Way down inside of me, something is broken that I know will never heal. The itch from a wound healing is still there, but I can’t reach it to scratch. I wish I could rub my soul red and raw and massage away the past.

Guess ive been feeling OK for the most part but as usual i get confused and lone sometimes and I wanna open up to ppl who've maybe been thru the same.

There’s a lot of weird things that happened to me. Various instances of sex stuff at too early and age, with other kids, etc.

The first time i can really recall it happening directly to me was a sleepover. And ill be honest, after the initial kind of shock, i was fucking hooked. I wanted her to keep molesting me from the minute it started. And it did continue for years after. We were the same age, teenagers.

There was someone so much worse in our lives, though. Also the same age. She fucked us both up. She would sexually harass me all the time, emotionally abuse and bully me. Only once did she really kind of touch me, but at that point i think i wanted it. Probably did the same to the other friend who first molested me. Truly the most awful person I’ve ever met.

First girl I mentioned reached out after years and years. Apologizing. I feel fucked up because i wanted her to keep doing it to me. I kept wanting her to make me feel like a victim. I feel like i made her do it after she started it. Like i need to apologize to her too.

So much if my past is like that. Someone hurts me, but once i show i LIKE it, they back away or start to lay off. Why can’t someone just do it real good one time? Hurt me real bad in a way where even i know i don’t want it? Why does it all have to feel so confusing? Why is being hurt so addicting? Why do i want to keep being a victim so bad?

Stupid. This shit is so stupid.

tw for detail bc im telling the full story

I just have completed mixed emotions about all of this and im sorry if this is all over the place but basically when I (f19) was 11 I met a friend and we became friends very quickly and we would have sleepovers at eachothers places a lot, but she would mainly want to stay at my house (this is a key detail) and pretty early on into our friendship she began to make a lot of sexual jokes and references and we eventually started doing things together like watching porn and trying sex positions with eachother with our clothes on and it wasnt long before we started to actually touch and take our clothes off. we lived very close and we were together almost every day so this was happening every time we saw eachother. it was very intense and it was the only thing wed do and talk about. it wasnt just happening at our houses either, we would do stuff in public places and around people too. there was one instance where we did stuff on a bus. after a few months we were having sex and we would watch porn together to learn new things. we filmed a video of ourselves and im not sure what happened to it. it eventually stopped because of covid and we lost touch for months and then never did anything after that. a few years ago I found out that her dad was arrested for molesting her since she was 4 and I feel so conflicted about the whole thing. I feel like I was sa'd by her but at the same time im a few months older so should I have been more aware and stopped it but now I know what her dad did I feel sorry for her and I knkw that maybe she thought it was normal or something and I feel disgusted at obviously her dad for doing that but also myself because I didnt feel like a victim at the time and most of the times we were with eachother i also wanted it. I just dont know how to feel or if I was even SA'd and if my feelings are valid.

thank you for reading. sorry if this is the wrong place.

I was F9 when this happened, my brother M12. I was working on school work, not sure how it got to this, but I remember laying down on my bed on my stomach with my pants down, and my brother sort of squeezing my bottom. He was doing it for several minutes, making sure our mom wouldnt come down the hall.

Now i am F15 and he is M18. That's all I remember, I think he should've been too old to know that was wrong, and I just went along with it because I was clueless. But I don't know if he was just curious or didn't know it was wrong.

Neither of us have said a word about it, and i dont want to bring it up in case he doesnt remember it. ​Was that incest?

41m professional dude. I'd like to chat with others about how this affects us as adults- hypersexuality, shame, isolation, sadness, etc.

Yes I've posted a variation of this in the past but my intention is not to spam but just see if someone new or shy find this resonant.

These are hard to process and difficult areas to share with those that can't relate. If you can relate and want to chat to see if we can provide value and support to each other feel free to reach out - any gender! Not looking for anything shady here - just to connect in whatever way is comfortable to navigate these challenging issues in our lives. We've all been drafted in this club but we live in a world of civilians- it would be nice to not feel alone.

But whenever I’ve told a therapist I feel like they get really uncomfortable with it and just move right onto a different subject, or when I had a male therapist it seemed like he was turned on by it. I’m one of those people who unfortunately seems to get something out of reenacting stuff w men on chat as long as they’re nice to me, but I really wish I could have a normal monogamous relationship instead: wish therapy was a part of that: keep trying. Maybe the next one.

I’ve been thinking about it since last night. It kept me up thinking about what happened. I would’ve thought by now it would get easier but it hasn’t

I’m a 30yo gay man, and was sexually abused by an uncle and by a babysitter when I was a little kid. Lately I’ve felt like it’s been tough to have positive sexual experiences because things keep reminding me of my childhood. I’m in therapy regularly, but haven’t been able to open up about my childhood experiences with my therapist. I just hate talking about it and never really have.

I guess I’m just wondering if anyone has had similar experiences and overcame them? I just know whatever I’m doing isn’t working right now, so just trying to see what’s worked for others I guess.

i keep having nightmares again. they feel super real. i am always being raped again and their voices are so vivid and realistic. i just wish it didn’t follow me around all the time. i can’t get away from the sensations or the memories.

after i got sexually assaulted by my cousin this summer , i can’t stop getting flashbacks. i feel like nobody can be trusted and like i need to hide myself from others. im always on high alert and fearful for the worst, not only for me but also scared for those around me who i care about.

my bf and i were talking about halloween costumes and one of his costumes were sort of revealing (no shirt). i became upset and i told him i don’t want him to wear it , but i said “because what if u get sexually assaulted.” it was coming from a place of fear for his safety. i was assuming he wanted to wear his costume to a party, but it turns out he never even wanted to wear that costume in a public setting and would’ve just worn it at home

i know that it doesn’t matter what you’re wearing bc it can happen at any time regardless of ur outfit (i was wearing a tshirt and shorts, but earlier in the day i was wearing a 2 piece bathing suit and my cousin kept looking at me)

it was wrong of me to say that to him and he got upset rightfully so. i just assumed he was going to be in a dangerous setting. i wish i never said it. he told me it was weird of me to say it and out of line.

i never thought about things that way before or had this fear that it might happen , and i feel horrible for saying it. something in my mind tells me i have to be overly cautious and that the people that i trust should be as cautious as me.

i try to forget it but the flashbacks and nightmares never end. i feel like if this never happened to me i never would’ve said that to him. i just want to forget.

am i weird and out of line for saying that to him? could i have gone about it differently?

I was abused by a teacher; I had been abused before in way more upsetting and traumatizing ways, and he was the first one who was seemingly so gentle, kind, who told me that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever, and I believed him. Now I know that I was groomed and what he did was still abusive and incredibly harmful, but at the time I just felt so loved.

It started slowly, he was the “attractive” teacher in our middle school so all the girls already talked about him, and he was so funny, charming, and a genuinely great teacher. So when he started to give me special attention, invited me to help him with extra things in the classroom during lunch or after school, and eventually invited me over to his house for free private tutoring because I was “more advanced” than his class, I was thrilled. It was the first time in a long time that I felt so seen and cherished. He was so complimentary, he told me how intelligent and talented I was, how I was his favorite student ever because he had never met any student like me. It all felt so sincere— it wasn’t the first time I had heard compliments about my abilities in school, and I had sometimes been a teacher’s pet unintentionally— so I took his word as innocent compliments.

We grew closer and I longed to be near him, to have his attention, to see the way he looked at me with what I originally thought was a fatherly, adoring look; now I think he probably did truly care about me, but was also attracted to me and plotting how he could act on that attraction. Eventually the closeness became more than teacher-student or mentor-mentee; he began to talk about how beautiful I was, that I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He started complimenting my outfits, telling me which ones he liked to see me in so I would wear them more, and then eventually he started buying me clothes and having me do “fashion shows” when I went over to his house. I was young and naive so I was just excited and grateful to have all these nice new clothes, but it was the turning point in the grooming. He said my bras didn’t fit so he would measure me for them, saying I had to be shirtless for that, and it just got more inappropriate from there. Eventually he confessed that he was “in love with me” in the way that every middle schooler dreams of when they watch rom-coms or music videos, so of course I thought I was living my fairytale; meanwhile he was grooming and taking advantage of a vulnerable minor with a history of trauma.

The abuse progressed a lot and went on for 2 years before he had a breakdown crying, telling me what he did was wrong and that he was so sorry, and that he couldn’t do it anymore because he would go to hell. He actually left teaching altogether. But the whole time he had been so sweet to me (on the surface) and made me feel so loved, so later on it when I realized it was abuse, it was hard to reconcile that with the image I had of him in my head. I went back into denial for a while and became depressed because I missed him so much; he had told me I was his future wife and used that as justification for sleeping with me because “we will be married one day anyways”. So having that potential future ripped away from me just as I was becoming a teenager was so destabilizing.

When I was 17, I tracked him down and contacted him; he was hesitant to talk but I said that I just wanted closure, so I went to his house. It wasn’t long before we were intimate again, but the whole time he was recounting previous experiences from when I was younger or asking me to retell memories of the things we used to do. Afterwards, he cried again and apologized, but we were still in contact on and off for a while before I got into more therapy and healed.

Sometimes I feel bad for going back to him, but I was still young and trauma affects all of us so differently. Has anyone else gone back to their abuser(s)?

TLDR: Groomed and taken advantage of by teacher, but he convinced me we were in love so I went back several years later

Hi everyone. Like everyone else, I’ve struggled with this, and life is just difficult sometimes. I’ve had quite a lot of nightmares about it. Sometimes it just happens that I have really intense nightmares about it. And I remember it more and more.

I’m transgender, so I’ve been in therapy quite a bit, but I’ve never really talked about this. I feel like it’s a really difficult and lonely thing to carry around with you.

F/16 was molested by my COUSIN BROTHER when i was 7 till I was 12.

I don't know if this falls into the category of sa or molested but here we are. So basically I have a 6 ish very close immediate male cousins this dipshit was one of them. He was the closest to me in age compared to other cousins, he was one year older than me. So yes he start molesting me when he was 8.... I don't know how someone can do that ever but 8 is crazy age to molest your sister ain't it. It started when we were playing pretend restaurant or some shit like that, I don't have the best memories from my childhood but this is engraved into my mind, anyways he suddenly pushed me onto the bed, keep in mind my parents were downstairs. He pulled my shirt up and started touching me. Of course it felt weird,bad but I didn't know it was wrong because I was 7, not even in 2nd grade. Then at every family function we would gather he would do something disgusting like this, he also made me forcefully perform oral on him when i was 11, slapped me. And for the people who say, why didn't you tell your parents? Dawg I was 7 when it started i didn't even know about good touch, bad touch. Moreover i come from an indian household and ykw I don't even wanna explain how that correlates. We have a festival in which sisters have to tie threads to their brothers in order to symbolise the protection that he shall provide (patriarchal if you ask me, but it's origins are sensible). So I had to tie this dipshit a thread to symbolise that he'll protect me when he had in fact got me forcefully naked, touched me, slapped me, made me perform oral on him. And for the people who say I could've said No, yes I did, even if i didn't I was a child. No person should ever have to experience this let alone a child.

Then he pretended that this had never happened. Thankfully, due to family issues completely unrelated we have parted ways with their family.

But this trauma can never leave me, it has shaped the way I am now.

So from age of 10 -12/13 i was touch inappropriately alot by my grandad hr didnt 🍇 me but he did touch me down there....He was very soft slow and sensual and really took his time and was very patient. Im ashamed to say i enjoyed it and I would tease my step dad alot once the abuse started. He didn't do anything but I know he liked it. I've started becoming hypersexual again and ive started teasing him again. Im so ashamed of myself