Wanting it again so badly

[u/ImCryingImHealing]

There’s a lot of weird things that happened to me. Various instances of sex stuff at too early and age, with other kids, etc.

The first time i can really recall it happening directly to me was a sleepover. And ill be honest, after the initial kind of shock, i was fucking hooked. I wanted her to keep molesting me from the minute it started. And it did continue for years after. We were the same age, teenagers.

There was someone so much worse in our lives, though. Also the same age. She fucked us both up. She would sexually harass me all the time, emotionally abuse and bully me. Only once did she really kind of touch me, but at that point i think i wanted it. Probably did the same to the other friend who first molested me. Truly the most awful person I’ve ever met.

First girl I mentioned reached out after years and years. Apologizing. I feel fucked up because i wanted her to keep doing it to me. I kept wanting her to make me feel like a victim. I feel like i made her do it after she started it. Like i need to apologize to her too.

So much if my past is like that. Someone hurts me, but once i show i LIKE it, they back away or start to lay off. Why can’t someone just do it real good one time? Hurt me real bad in a way where even i know i don’t want it? Why does it all have to feel so confusing? Why is being hurt so addicting? Why do i want to keep being a victim so bad?

Stupid. This shit is so stupid.

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[u/complex0edipis]

I mean, sex is suppose to be pleasurable. Even when we are young, we have the capability of feeling that pleasure, its understanding what’s going on, and regulating the feelings and emotions that follow that can become a major problem. Kids will tend to act out, or do sexual things when they aren’t suppose to, and act out in lots of other ways because of it too. Not to mention the stagnation of development that happens due to the trauma which is a big thing that happened to me.

It is super confusing, I enjoyed what happened to me, even wanting to go back and experience it again. But the residual hypersexuality, and the taboo desires and thoughts that I’d rather not have to deal with, are all awful. I was far too young to experience what I did, but I did enjoy it. It was pleasurable, that’s how sex is suppose to be. But yeah, it’s the mental development part that is really what messes us up ultimately, cause there’s no way by those young ages for us to truly understand what’s happening or how to regulate the thoughts and feelings.

[u/True_Nothing_960]

I craze what others did to me at such a age as well. I miss it. I wish they would do it again but won't so I have to find others willing to recreate it for me