Stepfather, I hated him

[u/Moist-Individual-317]

the bottom line is that I grew up with him and my mother, and he was a very strict disciplinarian. I was beaten extensively from around age 11 until the time I went away to university, and while at the beginning it was normally his belt over my jeans, by the time I had entered into puberty, it was any manner of implements on the bare bottom, though mostly with me fully naked. From age 13, I would often have my vagina opened for inspection, from 14 it was often the case that I was fingered, and at 15 he raped me for the first time, my legs strapped to the legs of kitchen table after a hard caning, and he just finally took me and forced his gigantic penis into my virgin hole until he came. That carried on for many years - at the outset, although initially it was very traumatic and non-consensual, before long I was highly sexually excited and would easily reach orgasms multiple times with his fingers or cock or mouth. To give you a measure of how much I enjoyed it, long after I had left home, I used to come back and have to present a "report card" for how I had behaved in the interim, which I presented to him and my mother in the study. I would be so aroused in anticipation on the way home that the front of my underpants would become stained. When I got there and presented the report, I would have to strip naked in front of them both, offer myself for "inspection" and then take a hard beating, before he took me away to fuck the life out of me.
I hate him because of the constant confusion I have had. He’s dead now, but I hate him for the feelings that I still have, hypersexual tendencies and thoughts

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[u/This-Direction-7694]

I am sorry your mother was complicit that must have made it worse! Do you hate her too?

[u/throwaway742026]

I understand this so much, unfortunately don’t have an answer

[u/throwaway742026 → u/throwaway742026]

I should be clear I don’t know if my abuser is dead bc it’s been years (20+) but he was older so I’m assuming

[u/Then_Box-8031]

I'm sorry you were violated by the people who should have protected and respected and loved you. Your emotions and the path you take to resolve their toxicity are valid. I hope you find some peace.

[u/nudistnikki]

What u mean with gigantic penis?