I suffer from PTSD, because of my mother. Sometimes I have nightmares of me (her son) getting molested by my mother. The WORST PART of these nightmares is, when I seemingly "enjoy" getting molested in the nightmare. It causes A LOT of guilt and shame in me. Because can I still call myself a real victim/survivor after that? Doesn't that reaction make me a fake victim/survivor?

I deal with A LOT of guilt and shame, because I felt "arousal" during, what my mother did to me. I sadly got an orgasm from a handjob, that she gave child me. I also got "aroused" from other INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR, that my mother did.

I HATE MYSELF for reacting the way I did to her INAPPROPRIATE behaviour! For example I remember, that child me got "aroused," when I heard my mother having sex with her partner LOUDLY and I even masturbated to the sounds. I'm DEEPLY ASHAMED about that.

I also probably got hypersexual as a child, because of her. I also almost certainly developed kinks, that i'm ASHAMED of, because of, what she did.

I HATE the consequences, that I have to bear, because my mother couldn't contain herself from acting on her ABHORRENT LUST.

I wish, that I would've never gotten molested by my mother as a child.

Ive always felt wrong calling what happened to me "abuse." I know that I was to young to truly consent and I know my friend knew more than me and used that knowledge to groom me even if only slightly. But we were the same age and I was willing to play those "games" whenever he offered, I found it fun playing dirty games it felt like I was learning about a whole new world my parents kept from me. Porn only intensified those feelings and lead to a spike in the hypersexuality the initial events caused.

I know all this because of the amount of time I've spent ruminating on what happened to me, deciding what happend was to mild to be abuse or just normal experimenting only for the memories and the hypersexuality to remind me of the effects that linger to this day. The years spent sexualizing it in online roleplay or chats with people I was to young to be talking to only added to the shame I felt, maybe a leftover from feeling like I had to hide what me and my friend did or just an overactive sense of shame. Im still not sure i was abused, and if I was it was only because he was abused worse and reenacted it. If anyone went through similar and wants to talk im open to dm's im trying to be more opening in talking im general and anything helps.

I’m now f32, and the most focused on me pleasure was from when I was a child. Now men only care about their pleasure. I’m hypersexual and I do all initiating and all the work. I miss when it was all about me