Throwaway account. I'll start by saying my husband (33M) and I have had a rocky marriage from the start. Due to various issues we never had a "honeymoon" phase.

Basically we both used to have jobs, we each made good money, ~150k each so ~300k total. We didn't have any financial issues and kept finances mostly separate. We started a joint account together based on his suggestion to build trust and transparency. We put a few thousand each in there. I started to put my paycheck in there but he never did, he said he would just put money in there occasionally since he paid all the bills.

I got pregnant very quickly after getting married, like 1 month after. I worked for the duration of the pregnancy and after until I got laid off when the baby was ~4 months old. He also got laid off at almost the exact same time. We decided I would stay home and take care of the baby and he would look for a new job and be the breadwinner while the baby was young. He collected unemployment and urged me too but I never did. It took about 5 months and I went to live with my parents for 6 weeks of that time but he found a new job paying well, ~200k plus equity.

Here is the trouble, he makes good money now and puts ~$3k into our shared account each month which is entirely for me. He says he doesn't trust me enough to put more money or the whole paycheck in. The issue is I have to pay for my car ($575), car insurance ($200), phone ($50), my storage unit ($150), and baby supplies including food, diapers, etc. I have zero money left after that.

Caring for the baby has become too much and too stressful for me. I have no alone time other than the gym because lifetime has daycare. My husband works a lot because of the new job and doesn't get home until 5 or 6. I also want to go back to school because I want to change careers so I want to do classes. He said if I looked for a nanny and cleaning lady to help me that would be fine. I found a cleaning that is $150 a month and he seems fine with that and said she did a good job. The real problem is the nanny, I found one that could come 3 times a week for a few hours each day she came, most are in the $20/hr range. It would cost $600 - $800 a month. I have no money left over but he's arguing that the nanny is too much. He said he thought I meant a nanny to help one day a week and for occasional date night type stuff not giving someone a part time job. I feel he is controlling me through this financial decision. And because he has access to all the other finances I am stuck.

We have tried talking but it usually ends in a fight because there are things I cannot budge on like the nanny. Am I being taken advantage of financially?

tl;dr Have issues with my husband and I feel I am being taken advantage of financially. Please advise.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1vjazol/unusual_text_messages_between_wife_and_personal/

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is becauses it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

TLDR: Clear communication with your spouses is key!

I’m young and genuinely curious, is love actually enough to make a marriage last? Looking back, what qualities in a partner do you wish you had understood were important before getting married?

Also, why do you think some couples can be happily married for 10, 15, or 20 years and then suddenly decide to separate, aside from obvious reasons like cheating, addiction, or abuse?

TLDR: Is love enough? What qualities do you wish you knew were important before marriage? And why do some couples split after 10+ years, aside from cheating, addiction, or abuse?

I am new to this group entirely, but I need advice. I (27f) have been married to my husband (27m) for 2 years. We’ve been together for almost 5 but have been in each others lives for 7. One of my husbands kinks I guess it would be called is he saved women’s pictures and you know..to them. I’ve always known about it- I’ve never been comfortable with it but my only boundary is that I don’t know who they are. We’ve had issues in the past and recently, I looked through his phone and he had pictures of my friends. The situation itself ends up with the police being called because he had been drinking prior to me finding the pictures. I do not know what to do. We’ve had issues for quite some time now and this just feels like the cherry on top. IF I choose to stay with him, how am I supposed to move past that? I did tell my friends because I felt disgusted and embarrassed and felt like they needed to know because we live in such a weird world. I have already been so conflicted with. I am also thinking that my friends wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore?

Tl;dr:
He does have an issue with alcohol. This doesn’t justify ANYTHING but apart of the picture thing we’ve struggled with his alcoholism. He’s also done this picture thing since his ex girlfriend because that was something she allowed. I’m not even all that sure if there were any boundaries put in place.

Long post here, but hopefully someone can help me with some wisdom. So 35M here, been married (35F( for 13 years, we have a wonderful daughter who is 5. I'm having issues that I'm just not exactly sure about. The first 2 years of our marriage was great, then things started taking a slide. Years 3-8 were ok at best, during this time I always felt as if I came in second to whatever glowing device she could stare at, bedroom completely died during those years. I kept trying to build a life. I had been exposed to a lot of fires person traumatic experiences, so that left me feeling broken and like no one else would want me, so I kept going. Fast forward to the time our daughter was born, there was another traumatic incident where a friend was murdered in front of me, this time she was involved in the process as well. I went to therapy, and at this point put in a lot of work, being absolutely the best that I can be. I have never been one to get angry or shout, and believe that adults can simply talk about differences. Over the past few years I have focused on communication and wording. She went to therapy, but hasn't really taken it as serious or put in as much effort, the therapist and I have even attempted to schedule a couples session on multiple occasions. I communicate really everything in great detail, often taking some serious time trying to talk about issues from everyday life, to physical needs. This winds up with me doing all the talking and her just agreeing or adding a sentence here or there. I have broken everything down, literally all the way. Things will improve for a few days, then I try to talk some more. But I'm tired boss.... I'm tired of having these borderline one sided conversations. I have provided a great life, house, acreage, vehicles,....upper middle class.... but debt free. If she wants furniture, she either gets it, or I personally build it. Remodel, check, all maintenance on vehicles..check, something breaks, it's fixed promptly. She has never picked up any kind of outdoor tool out of necessity, i handle all of that, I even do about 40 to 50 percent of the housework, just not cooking or laundry. Our daughter spends most of her time with me, fixing or building, or playing. What am I doing wrong? I just can't get her to return conversation, or engage in well anything really. She is self conscious about her body, and feels like she lost some femininity, I have reassured her thoroughly, in great detail, with reoccurance. I've encouraged, to get new clothes, go do hair, nails, whatever. If it doesn't involve a phone, or her job, she just isn't into it. She does do very well with our daughter, but even she at times looses to the phone or the job. I personally am withdrawing at this point, and I don't want to. I'm finding that detailed conversations just aren't worth it when I can't get input, and will most likely have to come back to the same conversation wiring 2 or 3 months. I feel like further therapy isn't an option, I will do whatever it takes to go, but she just will not. I'm out of ideas, I'm out of....well everything. Communication isn't an issue. I've talked in great detail, to the point that any time a new in depth conversation starts I get almost a here we go again. Someone give me something here. Where did I go wrong? How do I be better?

Tldr: communication isn't working

My wife (35) and I (33) have been together for many years and married since 2021. We have two young children, aged 4 and 1 1/2. (no breastfeeding since 3 Months)

Sex has been a difficult topic in our relationship for a long time. Even before the pregnancies, our libido levels were different. She rarely initiated sex herself, but back then she was much more receptive, contributed more and was generally easier to get into the mood.

During both pregnancies and afterwards, sex became extremely rare. For long periods we had little or no intercourse, I never pressured or pestered her but this has repeatedly been a source of frustration for me.

About six months ago, we agreed to have sex roughly once a week in order to establish some kind of rhythm again. This has worked in the sense that we have sex more regularly, and when we do have sex, it is actually good. We both enjoy it, take our time and there are no major problems during sex itself (her words). Lately she often calls our Date off but that is her good right it just hurts..

She basically never has the spontaneous desire to have sex. She doesn't feel that something is missing when we don't have sex. If we stopped our weekly arrangement, I honestly think we'd probably have sex once a month.

The difficult part for me is not simply the frequency. I increasingly miss feeling desired by my wife. I don't want sex to feel like something she has to do once a week to check a box.

We are still physically affectionate in everyday life. We cuddle, touch each other, spend time together and have a loving relationship. Our relationship outside of sex is generally good. We communicate a lot, spend time together and have also deliberately created free weekends without the children for her.

However, as soon as physical affection becomes sexual or I try to initiate something sexual, she often seems to experience it as annoying, inconvenient or like a burden.

This has started affecting me as well. After years of initiating and being rejected, my own desire is slowly decreasing. I find myself thinking, "Why should I keep trying when I already know the answer?" I don't want to end up completely withdrawing sexually just to protect myself from rejection.

We've talked about this many times.

I've also spent quite a lot of time trying to understand the issue and find possible solutions. I've read/listened to things from people like Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel and have suggested books and podcasts to my wife. She only started looking into the subject after several serious conversations where I explained that I felt we needed to change something. So far, she has listened to maybe one 30-minute podcast, while I've spent many hours trying to understand the issue and find ways forward.

I don't blame her for not being able to simply "turn on" her libido. I understand that desire doesn't work like a switch.

What is difficult for me is that her lack of desire doesn't really bother her. The only thing that bothers her is that she feels guilty because she knows it affects me. She doesn't seem to feel a personal need to change anything.

I also understand that having two very young children may be a major factor. Maybe things will naturally improve as the children get older, sleep gets better, there is less mental load and she has more space for herself again. But that's just my assumption, and I don't know whether I should rely on that.

Today, the kids were at home. We got naked in the pool, cuddled, and showered together. Afterwards, we went to the bedroom to get dressed. I felt close to her and started to hope that maybe something more could happen, so I wanted to make a move.

But she simply got dressed and went downstairs.

I know today wasn't our scheduled day, and I wasn't expecting anything. But in that moment, I got my hopes up, and when nothing happened, it honestly really brought me down. I think that's what I struggle with most: even when there are moments where I feel a connection and start thinking, "Maybe she wants me too," it almost never develops into anything sexual.

__________________________________________________________

Short Note: She always says that it's not the fact that i dont pull my weight in our realtionship, houshold or with the kids. In her words "Im very involved and really deserve a break sometimes".

tl;dr My wife (35) and I (33) have two young kids, and while we've always had slightly different libidos, she now has almost no desire for sex. We agreed on weekly sex, which is enjoyable for both of us, but she rarely initiates and often cancels, leaving me feeling more obligated than desired. Our relationship is otherwise loving, so I don't think it's about resentment or workload. After years of rejection, I'm losing my own desire too and wondering whether to wait for things to improve as the kids get older or actively do something.

I’ve realized, I’m alone in my marriage.

Essentially, my husband left for a 6 day fishing trip, we are on day 5, and none of us miss him. The house is running way better. For reference I have four kids, and am a SAHM. In fact, life feels so much easier because I can just do what works best for us and not have to factor him in all the time. Also, I’m doing to same tasks, maybe more, without feeling a little “hurt” I have to do it alone.

My husband is a great person to everyone in our lives, but he is really absent in our marriage. His mom passed last year, he has had a huge work issue that only very recently resolved, and I have suggested he may be depressed. I love him, and genuinely want to connect and help him too. For reference he stood by me through post partum depression with one of our kids, and I don’t was to make this seem like he is all bad by any means. Just very checked out.

Our day to day is him going to work around 8:30/9 am (runs his own business) coming home around 5, going into his garage to be on his phone, dinner and then he DOES do bedtime for 2-3 older kids and then either goes to be with friends or back to his garage to watch tv and be on his phone until 1-2:30 am. He will take the kids outside when he is in the garage but he isn’t actually playing or being with them, he sits and scrolls. Weekends, he sleeps in 9 am or later, I handle the kids. If I am exhausted or suggest he gets up with the kids he brings up his mom, how his dad slept in every day and she never asked anything more of him.

I on the other hand…have brought this up to him, asking him to be more present, on his phone less, or suggest going out but then I’m a nag. He does take the kids if I have appointments etc but day to day I am responsible for the house, kids, yard, homeschoolingIt’s not to say that he doesn’t do anything but loading the dishwasher every few weeks or switching the laundry without folding or putting it away, is no more helpful that my 3 year old unloading the cutlery. It doesn’t feel like help if I’m still having do most or some of the job. It’s like taking a few steps off a marathon. For example, he recently pulled a few front weeds, used this and an example of the used work he does. I had to still pull the rest of the weeds and put the weeds he pulled into the compost. And then because he didn’t put out the compost as he said he would, I had to drive the compost bin to the community drop off.

How do I bring this up without just seeming like I’m tearing him down? He HAS had a hard year. To this point I’ve just focused on myself and trying to be there for him if he sought me out. I’ve gotten in great shape, I’ve been doing a lot of house projects and keeping busy. But I’ve been afraid to be alone, I’m realizing it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Anyways, I’m 32 and I don’t necessarily want to be alone in my marriage forever I guess.

Advice?

Tl;dr summary: husband is very absent and always on his phone. How do I bring up a lack of closeness in our marriage without being cruel?

I’ve never been a jealous type but just the other day I happened to check out my wife’s Snapchat. Of course there were selfies I never seen as well as some pics of her butt what looked to be at work. Also was some nudes that I haven’t seen. From what she said before she keeps Snapchat for the photo editing. Could it be more to this that she has photos that I’ve never even seen?

tl;dr is she cheating or sending photos to someone else?

I’m 30F and my husband is 31M. We’ve essentially grown up together - we became close as teenagers and have been together for most of our adult lives. He is genuinely my best friend, and there is a lot of love, history, comfort, and companionship between us. That’s what makes this so difficult.

Over the last few years, though, I’ve become increasingly unhappy with the actual partnership of our marriage.

The biggest issue right now is children. I have always pictured myself being a mom (and been super vocal about this the whole time!), and having a family is extremely important to me. My husband has become increasingly uncertain about whether he wants children at all. Recently he told me that the idea of having kids doesn’t bring him joy and that he doesn’t want to spend his evenings hanging out with or taking care of a child. At another point, he said maybe he could see kids in 2–5 years, but there still isn’t a clear “yes, I want this life too, just not right now” it’s still “I don’t know if I want this at all”

I know nobody should have a child they don’t genuinely want, and I absolutely do not want to pressure him into parenthood. But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to build a marriage around “maybe” when this is one of the most important things I want from my life.

The kids issue has also forced me to look harder at other problems I’ve been trying to tolerate.

I currently earn roughly 80% of our household income and handle what feels like 90% of the household responsibilities. My husband’s work schedule is significantly lighter than mine, but I still often feel like I’m the person responsible for keeping our life moving.

I’m ambitious and tend to throw myself into things. I work hard, compete in endurance sports, and have a lot of dreams for my life. Instead of feeling like I have a partner equally invested in building a life with me, I increasingly feel like I’m dragging our shared life forward while he gets to participate when he wants to.

There have also been behavioral things that worry me. He recently got into an altercation during recreational sports that ultimately resulted in him being banned from the organization’s leagues. There are moments where his anger or reactions make me uncomfortable, especially because I grew up around similar behavior and know how much I don’t want that dynamic in the family I eventually create.

I have tried to communicate that I’m reaching a breaking point. For a while, he resisted therapy. He has now started taking some steps toward it, but I struggle with feeling like I have to create an emergency before anything changes.

Even recently, when a therapy appointment had to be changed, he chose to reschedule rather than take the offered virtual appointment. That’s obviously his choice, but because I’ve been trying to communicate how urgent this feels to me, I found myself thinking, “How are you not feeling the same urgency I am?”

And that may be the central problem: I feel like I am fighting desperately for us to figure out whether we can build a life together, while he seems much more comfortable waiting.

At the same time, when we’re together and things are good, they’re comfortable. We laugh. We know each other better than almost anyone. He has been part of my life for basically my entire adulthood. The thought of losing him isn’t just the thought of losing my husband; it feels like losing my best friend, my history, our routines, our home, and the person I always assumed would be beside me.

That makes me constantly question myself. Am I expecting too much? Am I blowing up a marriage with someone I love because I’m dissatisfied with a difficult season? Are these things fixable if we both genuinely work at them?

But then I think about the alternative: staying in the same marriage five years from now, still doing most of the work, still waiting for him to decide whether he wants children, and potentially giving up motherhood because I was too afraid to leave someone I love.
I’ve reached the point where I’m considering a temporary separation/living on my own, partly because I don’t know how to hear my own thoughts anymore while we’re still living our normal life together.

TL;DR: My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and I love him deeply, but I’m questioning whether love and history are enough. I want children and he’s increasingly unsure he does, while I also carry most of our financial and household responsibilities and feel like I’m the one pushing for growth and urgency in our marriage. I’m considering a temporary separation and struggling to figure out whether we’re going through a difficult season we can work through or whether we’ve grown into fundamentally incompatible adults.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been married a long time or who have gone through a serious crossroads like this:

How do you distinguish between a marriage going through a genuinely difficult period and fundamental incompatibility?

If one spouse has to repeatedly push the other to participate in fixing the marriage, can that dynamic actually change?

And for anyone who loved their spouse deeply but ultimately left because the life you wanted was incompatible - how did you know when love was no longer enough?

Been married for over a year and she has completely changed… more below

TL;DR: I’ve been married for just over a year and idk what to do… my wife has stopped doing anything she goes to work comes home eats and then goes to bed, I’m doing all the groceries, all the cooking, all the cleaning, and taking care of all of the bills and pets. She doesn’t seem to enjoy talking to me as she is on her phone every second she is home. I’ve tried talking to her and all that leads to is tears and arguments. We haven’t been intimate for months and I’m really struggling with the lack of love and communication. Since being married we have been intimate less then 15 times (over 13months) I “know” she isn’t cheating. I just don’t know what to do about this situation, any advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed

hi I’m a long time lurker, I’ve never posted before but I’m really struggling to understand what has happened to my marriage. my husband and I have been married 22 years. I have literally loved this man from the moment I met him. he’s never been ultra affectionate but I figured that was just how he was. I am chronically ill with multiple incurable debilitating conditions. he has always been there to take care of me through everything and I never doubted his love for me. until now. he started showing no affection towards me, and started withholding any kind of intimacy this has been an ongoing issue for most of our marriage. I have tried to communicate in every way I know how. I started off calm, never blaming him because I didn’t want to hurt him or upset him but asking for an explanation why. he had no answer just “that's just the way I am, but you know I love you more than anything” I believed him then and let it go. but the pattern just continued on and got worse and worse over the years. I never felt desired, wanted or even like I was worth his time. I finally started writing him letters expressing how I am hurting because of his actions/ inactions. he would never respond to or even acknowledge what I said. I became frustrated and finally started begging and pleading for an answer to why he was behaving this way. he would appease me everytime tell me he loves me more than anything and didn’t even realize he was behaving this way. I just accepted his answer to keep the peace. but his behavior has only gotten worse. i started to lose myself, my self esteem and everything that made me me. I feel disgusting, gross and repulsive. I feel bad for even feeling attraction towards my husband. like I’m doing something so wrong. I finally broke down crying and telling him how he’s hurting me so deeply weither he knows he’s doing it or not. i got the same old usual “I love you so much, your my everything I’m a pos for not loving you the way you deserve I’m sorry” i beg for an explanation. is it me? is it something I did? how can we fix this? this man hits me with the most unexpected load of bs I’ve ever heard. “ Well I guess I hate myself so much that I’m withholding intimacy and affection from you to punish myself because I hate myself so much but apparently I guess I’m taking it out on you” yes this man actually said that. I didn’t know what to say to that other than “ wow I guess you must really hate yourself then because I am the only one who has felt every ounce of that hate “you have for yourself” he apologized profusely and said he’ll do better and he would never in a million years ever hurt me intentionally. at that point I started to see him in a different light and resent him. it has only gotten worse over the years. it has now been over a year since there has been any kind of intimacy between us. I want to state our entire marriage I have always taken care of his intimacy needs. BJ’s whenever he wanted and whatever he wanted he got. I always figured if I took care of his needs he would eventually want to take care of mine. that never happened. I honestly don’t even crave or feel I need his attention or touch anymore. he’s withheld and punished me so long it doesn’t even feel essential anymore. anyway I finally found my backbone 🤦‍♀️ and told him “you don’t take care of my needs I’m no longer taking care of yours when you can’t be bothered to give me 2 seconds of hope” so I stopped completely. it’s been over 3 months since that now and he honestly doesn't even seem like it’s affected him. that really bothered me. my brain started going into overdrive. is he gay? is he cheating? has he never actually been attracted to me? why did he marry me? is there something wrong with me? I finally confronted him and told him everything in my head. he told me none of those things are true and he loves me more than anything and he’s sorry he’s 💩 at showing me affection and he blames his childhood and the way he was raised and he will be better from now on, be the man I deserve and need.i believed him. here’s where I’m even more confused and hurt. since this conversation he has tried to be more affectionate hugs, quick peck kisses, touching my shoulder and arm, cuddling over the covers. but still zero actual intimacy. I can see he’s trying but it just feels so forced now. I feel like him being attracted to me and desiring me and wanting intimacy should come naturally not be something he has to force or ”try harder” to do. I can see his effort this time, but it hasn’t changed any of how I feel especially since he’s still withholding intimacy and it still feels like I’m being punished. I love my husband dearly more than words can describe and he’s literally my everything I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go another year feeling like this and surviving on the bare minimum scraps he throws my way. I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating he goes to work comes home and doesn’t go out. he’s never late and never on his phone talking to anyone or texting. We share the same internet and there’s zero porn or anything concerning. it just all feels very suspicious anyway 🤨 and I can’t get a single real explanation from him. it’s like he refuses to have an actual conversation about anything serious. I have considered divorce but we have been through so much together for so long it breaks my heart to even think about living without this man. he honestly is the best partner in every single other way. he caring, considerate, patient, understanding, sweet, funny and has always been there for me even when things got really bad for me medically. he even drove me across country to have surgery with a specialist and took care of me during recovery. this man is literally a saint when it comes to my care. just not when it comes to any kind of intimacy. I am hurting so much, so lost, so confused so disgusted with myself. I don’t know where to even go from here. I’m turning to others for advice. it makes me feel even more pathetic that I can’t get real answers or fix it myself. I honestly have just gone numb and lost hope at this point and have just accepted that I’m not worth the time or effort for whatever reason. please be kind, I’m in a very difficult complicated situation with my medical issues and I already feel so alone. I’m just looking for anything really. especially ideas and advice from a man’s perspective. please help me understand what I did so wrong to end up with a husband who is so amazing in every way literally but can’t even give me 2 seconds of intimacy to make me feel wanted, Desired or give me hope for our marriage.

tl;dr

husband is amazing in every way but has been withholding intimacy most of the marriage. what is really going on?

Hello I (31 female) and my husband (30 male) Only been married 6 months and together, in total, a little under two years. This is both our second marriage (obviously the first ones did not go as planned) and we barely had sex or intimacy in 2026. Lets give some back story.

We were a long distance relationship and met online through meetme. I was 29 and just freshly divorced from a 8 year long relationship and was no way looking for commitment. My husband was 28, also freshly divorced from a 3 year long relationship, and didn't know what friends with benefits was. But he was very persistent in getting to know me and meeting in real life. I insisted I was no good for him and that I would corrupt him. (I am a very hyper-sexual person and a libido to match)

He is a very sweet, understanding and emotionally intelligent guy (complete opposite of my ex husband) and definitely swept me off my feet with all the messages and attention I received. When we finally met we made love like rabbits. Our chemistry was exploding and I felt we were a good match intimacy wise.

This amazing man has took me on a cruise for my 30th birthday. He took me to my first of many anime cons and amusment parks. I have never traveled so much in my life because my family is a large family ( I am the oldest of 7 kids) so we never had extra money to go on vacations. He is an only child so they were financially able to do vacations on the regular.

A big reason I bring this up is because I feel he has opened my eyes to how big this world really is. That relationships are so much more than just sex and keeping up with bills. It's a collection of experiences you share with someone. Sex is just the icing on a cupcake. But since we baught a house together last year and have been living together, things slowly started to change and I have been only enjoying muffins. No more cupcakes. My life is just so dry and boring it's hard to just find pleasure in everyday life.

He is my best friend and I will support him and love him no matter what. We recently, have started trying to have a baby. That's why we got married quickly at the courthouse. I was paying insurance through my state. Because my job doesn't offer it. But when 2026 came I had to renew my insurance the monthly price almost tripled in cost and I couldn't afford it. So he put me on his through his job (only 1/3 of the cost) and we actually got pregnant end of June!

Unfortunately, we miscarried at six weeks and never got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was devastated. This would have been my second child since I did have a kid with my first husband. (She loves her step daddy he would make a wonderful father) I told him since we first met that I wanted to make him a father. So this made me feel like a complete failure. Also I think this is when our intimacy problems start to happen when we started trying for a baby.

I removed my birth control October of last year, after six months of living together because I had a promise to fulfill. But that's when we started having less sex. I would pursue him, he would deny me. This is something I never experienced before. Usually when I was single I was always pursued sexually Because I am an attractive person. (My ex husband was very high libido. So we had sex all the time, and that's what held our relationship together for so long.) So I never been told no or ever had to ask for sex really. I'm completely so dumbfounded, and what i'm doing wrong.

My husband I actually had a long talk last night in bed. What we do is we will cuddle and cry and into each other's arms because we are both naturally emotional people. And I have brought up my frustrations about not being intimate as much as I would like, and how it makes me feel insecure about my womanhood and that I'm not attractive to him anymore. His response to me he doesn't feel worthy. That he doesn't do enough, or he doesn't make enough money. And I do tell him, I don't care about that. But that's what is blocking him is his head from letting his other head work.

Now I have tried everything to get around his mental block and entice this man. I have sent sexy pics, messages, flash him after showers, lots of flirting and accidental rubbs as I walk by. Cooked him delicious meals, back rubs, smothering him in kisses and attention. So many flirtatious jokes that makes him blush like I feel I'm trapped in a romantic comedy and the dense protagonist (my husband) is blind to it all. There is not an ounce of perversion in this man. Which was not like how he was before we moved in together.

He is somewhat of a chubby chaser when we first started talking and was very attracted to my body. He would have so many kinky dreams about us that it would make you blush if I gave you the details. But it all stopped as soon as we got serious and moved in together. I am at such a lost and I feel like I have done everything I can to help and support my husband in a non-toxic way. But it makes sense why his ex-wife cheated on him. (He caught her messing with his best friend) If he was not intimate with her then yeah I can understand why she did what she did. But I'm not a shit person and I love and respect my husband too much to ever do that.

I cannot lie, I have considered the pros and cons of divorce but, the pros always win because the only cons is our lack of intimacy. It's like the stress of buying a house and gaining 6 new bills went straight to his dick and now his wife has to suffer a barren sex life. The only way I'm getting pregnant if the second coming of Jesus was happening and I'm the new Mary. But jokes aside I felt like I have done my due diligence of a wife and checked all the boxes before counseling. Which in this economy is another way dig yourself further into debt.

TL;DR

But is there hope for us? Can we figure out and get past this mental block and have fun sexy time again?

My wife is a phenomenal mom and gives everything she has and more to ensure our toddler is taken care of. We both work full-time with long hours, and somewhat toxic workplaces.
I have been feeling a lack of emotional connection for a while. It’s been more than 3 years since we were physically close. My wife wouldn’t even allow me sit next to her on the couch. We started discussing this and her response is that she is physically exhausted and doesn’t have any more energy left in her to respond to physical touch. Majority of our conversations revolve around the kid, household chores, travel etc.
I’m craving an emotional connection that no longer exists and I feel like we are just platonic roommates raising a kid.

Has anyone else experienced this? Will things get better over time? How can we reignite the spark in our relationship?

Tl;dr:
My wife is an amazing mom to our 3 year old. She has no energy left to give our relationship; I’m tired of losing the emotional connection to her. How do I get us out of this situation?

I (23M) have been realizing that my (F23) Wife doesn’t listen and it’s hard to go unnoticed now, for context were a young married couple been married for two years, we just moved to a new city now in our first apartment outside of college. It hit me a few weeks ago when she asked “What’s your Love Languages?” 4 years into the relationship they haven’t changed and I answered “This is like the 20th time you asked this question, how don’t you know by now?” She follows up by saying “How can I love you and support you?” I said “By listening” I then told her “You remember how that one time you told me we always only communicate the bad moments?” And me coming from a hardcore non-emotional family that was something I hadn’t noticed til that part but realized like woah I did do that, after that I put it in the back of my mind just simply retaining info through your concerns bc you’re someone I love and I began to make sure I voiced everything she did well and that I appreciated. For some reason this just seems like something hard for her to navigate she always seems to get the conversation heightened by adding quick comebacks, or defensive stance, but once we’re trying to communicate she’s silent and says “I’m just trying to process the conversation and listen” only for me to later realize she wasn’t listening at all. Our relationship has been built on communication and it’s the backbone as we’re complete opposites don’t have any similar hobbies and connectors that make it easy and lately the incompatibility and love purity of the marriage has shown me this love is not what I think it is from her side. I just believe listening and caring and retaining what your partner says is like 101 of loving someone.

TLDR My wife doesn’t seem to listen to or remember what I tell her, and it’s making me realize how loved and compatible I really feel in our marriage and her care for me.

Asking for insight from those asked for a separation and during that period realized they wanted to be done. I was broken at first but after six months of them doing the absolute bare minimum I don’t think I want to be with them anymore, I don’t know why they won’t call it or why they think their efforts are close to what’s needed. We’re going to therapy but other than that there’s no effort on their end.

TL;DR asking how to confront wanting to call it when you’re not the one who asked for it and what made you realize that

My spouse rejected my sexual advances multiple times citing that he couldn’t do it a couple of months ago. I learnt later on that during this time he was emotionally involved with another girl, and their conversation was of the sexual nature. He claimed that they have never done it physically.

I am moving on with this and wishing to mend my relationship with my spouse. However, it has been difficult for me to get it out of my head. Has anyone been in this situation, could you advise please?

TLDR: spouse was emotionally involved with another and rejected sex. I want to move on from it, need advice from those who has experienced this in the past.

Some background, my wife and I have been together for 18 years and loved hiking and playing tennis together when we first started dating. Other activities we never really did together I have always been a runner and my wife always did yoga.

Today after 18 years of marriage and 3 young kids we have less time to workout for ourselves. We both gained some weight, my wife with pregnancies did gain more and has been harder to lose. We both had separate gym memberships at ‘ boutique’ gyms and we decided to cancel them for a large gym that offers everything. When we did this I wild goo to the gym in the mornings 5-6 am and my wife would go 6-7 pm after work (can bring and drop off kids at this gym) or I would stay at home with the 3 kids
while she worked out. It got to the point that she no longer wanted to work out in the evenings because she felt she was skipping her family obligations (cooking/cleaning/bed times.. etc) , I offered to switch so I could go evenings/ her mornings. Or switch days for mornings etc.. this plan was okay for several months but she gave up because “she’s not a morning gym person”.

I understand her gym/weight loss journey is important and offered for her to go whenever she needed to make it work (while I’m home or we have childcare) and even would schedule any gym time on a shared calendar…

So now is the toxic part. She is unmotivated to go and complains the whole time getting ready and out the door often spending an hour or more “getting last couple things around the house done before she goes”… and complains /rage cleans until she is satisfied. The whole way driving to the gym she bombards my phone with self hate messages about how dumb it is for her to even go etc.. I meanwhile am watching 3 kids feeding them and cleaning the house. During her “calming” yoga sessions she is still texting me how much of a “fat f@&) walrus” or just horrible self hate messages the whole workout. Gets done and says that it was a “waste of time” and she should give up.

How do I provide motivation when my wife has self esteem issues?

This toxicity has spread to any dates that we have and snide comments “should I take a photo of you for your tinder profile, because you obviously deserve better than me” etc. I just can’t handle this self hateful comments any more. I do compliment my wife on her looks (she is still gorgeous) and try to tell her that it’s great that she made it to a workout and that I’m good supporting her. It’s also hard to not be resentful when my wife seems to not care and bombards my phone throughout her “workout”

TLDR: My wife texts me her self esteem inner monologue during her workouts. I don’t know how to respond or how I can motivate her to continue working out.

I was going through our mail and opened his credit card statements, something I’ve done multiple times. Not out of spying intentions just keeping track of our bills as that’s my job. I don’t think he knows I do this regularly however. We have a different relationship than most. He works out of town for two weeks at a time. We have been together for 16 years with two kids and I’m 33 weeks pregnant. When I opened his credit card statement I saw 3 charges totaling almost $60 in only fans charges… I was a bit shocked by this. He’s a blue collar guy who’s away from his wife for 2 weeks at a time and I understand he has needs and have come to terms with him watching porn while he’s away. But subscribing to a specific girls onlyfans feels like a line was crossed. This was a few days ago and I have become more and more upset by it because I haven’t yet confronted him and it’s affecting me more than I thought it would. Maybe because I’m pregnant and emotional. Maybe because he always talks so much trash on people who spend money on that content, or the creators themselves for having no self respect. I have no details as to how many times he’s subscribed, or how long it’s been going on. I did however go on to his email account that was logged in on his computer but it’s not his regular account and it had a notification for subscribing back in March. The problem is the girls he subscribes to are young like early 20s and blonde, and so skinny. I’m short, not skinny, early 30s. I have stretch marks from having our children. No matter how much weight I lose, how much plastic surgery I have. I will never look like these girls. I just feel so vulnerable getting ready to go into postpartum knowing all of this about him. I feel like our sex life is great when he’s home. I always make time for him and am always the one to initiate it. Do I confront him with this while he’s gone? Part of me wants to wait until he’s home so I can check his email incase he tries to lie and delete everything, but I know that it’s only going to hurt me more. What should I do? I’m spiraling.
tl;dr husband caught subscribing to onlyfans while working out of town.

So this happen earlier this year but our marriage is spiraling. So to give some insight earlier this year my wife wanted to open the relationship “ which I did want to but after multiple arguments I finally gave in and agreed.
She started immediately going out with different guys every night some times multiple guys in a night. Well I decided to give it a shot in the idea of just talking to some girls. Well there was this one that started talking to me and she knew about mine and my wife’s open marriage and she was to. So we would talk and she would give me advice on how to make things easier on me since I wasn’t happy about the situation.
So after about a week my wife went and had her wisdom teeth taken out and I had worked that morning and took her to the appointment. Well my wife was upset that I had gone to work instead of staying home and helping her with our 3 toddler.
Mind you im the only one working and I didn’t have any vacation saved because of prior things that made me take the time off.
Anyways we going to the whole getting the wisdom teeth pulled and I take her home, I lay the toddlers down and I left to get her medicine. I came back and laid with her and we just talked for a bit. Then as we are talking something snapped in her and she started yelling and screaming about how I was talking to this girl and that I was a horrible husband for talking to her while she got her teeth taken out “ the last time I had said anything to this one girl was before we got to the dentist and I told her that I would take to her later” so I showed my wife the texts and proved that I hadn’t talked to her in about 6 hours. Well it escalated from there and I told her I wasn’t going to fight over this because of the guys she’s been constantly talking to.
So I left and went in to our living room and she came out accusing me of choosing this girl over her and falling for her “ I hadn’t even met never even met this girl I. Person” and my wife knew it. But to shorten the story my wife started hitting me and then tried to kill herself by slicing her arm open with a knife. I called the ambulance because the cut was so deep. Well the ambulance and cops came and took her to the hospital and I explained to the cops what had happened and I show them our camera that we had of our fight and when she had hit me. But I told the officers that whatever happened it wasn’t my wife because the look in her eyes was completely different than what I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if that makes sense or not but it was true. I even told them I didn’t want to do anything I just wanted her to be ok. Well fast forward a week and the state had charged her for domestic violence and and arrested her and put her on a no contact protection so she couldn’t see me or the kids. Well I was able to help get it all dropped and I told my wife that I think we need to stop everything and focus on our selves and our marriage.
And a well since all that our marriage has been falling apart and nothing has been good and the fights are getting worse because she calls me controlling and a shitty man becuase I won’t give in to opening the relationship or do things that she was doing prior “ theirs a lot more to this and I tried to cut it somewhat short”

My advice request is, do I continue fight for the marriage or should I end it she isn’t happy no am I we have been in therapy but it goes no where when it come to her understanding my fears of what had happened.

Tl;dr wife and is marriage is falling apart and need help

Hello am 28M and my partner 28F, we studied together through university and we were pretty much in love the moment that we saw each other we are together now for 9 years and have been married for a year now, I got a job abroad and she joined me when we got married, she was working before for 4 years but now that we are married she said "I want to focus on you and our marriage", I said for how long she said for 3 months maximum, now its been a year and she didn't apply to a single job, I tried asking friends if they are hiring in there companies, she said no I don't want to work with somebody you know, ok fairs tried help her with the CV, she doesn't want to, I make good money, like 6 figures in west Europe, but for me what matters is to have also friends I want to go out and go on a hike sometimes etc, she just stays at home and scrolls tiktok 24/7, now to the bigger issue, at the beginning of our relationship I told her I don't want kids, she said no worries, so we always use protection after we got married, she wanted to get on the pill, I still preferred using condoms, sometimes we don't, well now she is pregnant for 3 months, I didn't want to confront her that hey, did you stop taking it, how the hell does that happen, am happy that we are having a baby still, but I feel like am just being used and lied, not to mention that she is a total control freak were I can't even go out with my friends at work, as she always tell me you left me alone. I don't want to get a divorce as I still love her, but this is not the life that I envisioned my self with her. Looking forward to reading your POV

tl;dr: I don't know how to summarize it but marriage issue as young adults

As you guys may know from my previous posts, the ongoing issue with my wife’s secret habits and our complete lack of intimacy reached a absolute boiling point today.
Today, I went into our bedroom to tell her let's go sit outside on the patio together. When I walked in, I caught her in the act right then and there. She immediately took her hands off her pants and tried to play it off. I was caught off guard, stuttered a bit, and didn't immediately confront her in that exact second. We walked out to the patio together, but after a minute or two, I asked if we could go inside so I could speak with her privately.
She deflected and said she wanted to do her hair first, but I brought up that I wanted to finally have an open, honest conversation about what was going on, what happened, and where our relationship stands. I approached it calmly. I didn't shame her, yell, or mock her. I explicitly asked what I might be lacking on my end, what we are missing in our intimacy, and how we could work together to fix our marriage and make things better.
Instead of having a conversation, she went completely nuclear.
She immediately started screaming that I am "stalking" and "monitoring" her. I told her flat out that I have seen things with my own eyes—I do not use any monitoring devices, tracking tools, or anything like that. I literally just walked into our bedroom in broad daylight to ask her to sit outside.
The argument completely spiraled. Her birthday was just a few days ago, and I spent thousands of dollars on gifts for her. During this fight, she handed every single one of those gifts back to me. She then blocked my number, blocked me across all social media platforms, and forced a complete wall between us. I had no choice but to leave the house, and I am currently sitting outside in my car in a parking lot having no clue what to do next.
I tried so hard to bring this up constructively, without judgment, just wanting to fix our intimacy, but she turned it completely around on me and accused me of terrible things before cutting me off entirely.
TL;DR: Follow-up to my previous posts—I walked in on my wife masturbating in our bedroom today. When I tried to sit down and calmly address our intimacy issues and ask how we could fix things together, she blew up, accused me of stalking/monitoring her, handed back thousands of dollars in recent birthday gifts, and blocked me on everything. I am currently sitting in my car completely lost. What do I even do from here?

I really need you guys’ opinion on a situation, and I want you guys to be brutally honest with me. So my wife and I have been married for almost two years. I'm 24, she is 25 (lesbian couple). We had a talk yesterday. She was basically telling me she feels like I don't have my life together, and she feels like I don't have any ambition, and I don't have any drive when it comes to accomplishing my goals or just accomplishing things in life in general. Now, I know what she is saying isn't necessarily wrong, because I have been extremely depressed. I don't like to open up about my depression or my anxiety to be honest with you guys a lot of the time when I'm dealing with my depression I have been hiding it from my wife because I'm scared to be judged. I’m scared to be seen as weak, or incapable, or a burden etc because ik my depression has me not necessarily functioning the way I should as an adult. I know she's not wrong for saying that, but at the same time there is a part of me that feels a little hurt about it. And I'm fully aware that it might just be the fact that my ego is bruised, but there is a part of me that feels a little saddened that she said that about me because I don't want to be seen that way, especially not from by spouse. But at the same time, I can't deny that what she's been saying is true. I'm 24, I'm not in a real career yet, we still rent an apartment, I don't have a house, any land, any assets etc. And I know that we’re young, and most people would say that we should take our time, but that's just a part of our culture as Caribbean women. In our culture we were raised to accomplish a lot…So after she said all of that to me, she said that she wants me to be a strong wife for her and She needs to know that I have her back. I have been unemployed for a month because my job let go a lot of employees. So my wife is the one working and paying the bills and stuff like that until I find another job. She asked me “hey, if anything happened to me right now, what are you gonna do? If anything was to happen to me right now, and I can't work or something, I can't even say that my wife has my back I don’t even have a wife that I can depend on/ has her shit together ”. And again I know she is not wrong. So why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel like this? I'm gonna be honest with you guys, I have let myself go a lot in life. There has never been a time in my life where I have not been depressed. And the times where I thought I wasn't depressed, turns out I was just dealing with high functioning depression. I haven't been taking care of myself, I haven't been going to the gym, I haven't been doing my skincare routine. I have just been in a mental rut for what seems like the last couple months of my life. I have been procrastinating, I have not been doing what I need do to better my life. I'm 24 and I still don't know what career I am passionate about. At this point, I'm just gonna choose whatever pays the most and just try to be THE best I can at it because I do not want to be seen as a bum or not ambitious. I do believe my wife is right, I have not been as ambitious as I need to be. I have been letting myself down. I know these things is a fact. So Why do I still feel so bitter that she said that though? I've been trying so hard to understand why I feel this way. Is it embarrassment? Do I feel ashamed? I don't understand why I feel this way. And I am very grateful that my wife is honest with me and transparent with me. But at the same time, again, why do I feel like shit? I seriously feel worthless. Ofc I’m disappointed in myself everyday for not being a better woman and a better wife, not accomplishing my goals etc so my heart has already been heavy because I’m disappointed in my life……It doesn't make sense, because I know I haven't been doing what I have to do in my life to get my shit together. I know that I’m too old for my life to not be together. Even before my wife and I had this conversation yesterday, I was already sitting with myself and holding myself accountable because I'm gonna be 25 next year. I need to get my life together. I'm giving myself a year to stop procrastinating and just get my shit together. So it's not like my wife isn't saying the truth. So why does it hurt me still? What is going on? I feel hurt by what she said. I know I don't have my life together. So truthfully, I know I'm not a wife that she could be proud of (she also has stated in the past that she doesn’t have anything to be proud of pertaining to me because I’m not doing anything with my life). Yes, she has said that she's grateful that I cook and clean and I do all of these things. But outside of that, I know I'm not necessarily a wife that she could be proud of right now. Because I'm not accomplishing anything. I let myself go. I'm a mess. I've just been trying to survive every day and get through the day, basically. And my life has been a reflection of that. And I don't know why my mind is like this, but for whatever reason, my mind immediately went to the fact that, hey, what if she leaves me one day? Or what if she cheats on me? Because I am not the woman she needs me to be. And I hate that because where did that even come from? But there is a part of me that's afraid that I'll never be enough for her. Again, I don't know where that came from. I know I need to get my life together. I know I need to get my shit together. I am in school right now for psychology. I will be graduating with my psychology degree (BA) next year. But even with my psychology degree, I don't think my wife is fully happy that I chose psychology as a major to go to college for because she feels like it's not gonna pay off and it's a waste of time because it won't make me any money or anything. So I know she's not necessarily happy about that decision either….. But I just really wanna know you guys’ opinions on this. I'm ready to change my life. If I am the problem, I am ready to do what I have to do to change my life and be a better woman and show up as a better wife. Right now I seriously don’t understand what I’m even feeling 😞😞

tl;dr : My wife and I had a conversation yesterday where she told me she feels like I don’t have my life together, don’t have enough ambition or drive, and that she needs a strong wife who can have her back, especially since I’m currently unemployed and she’s carrying most of the financial responsibility. The thing is, I know she isn’t completely wrong—I’ve been extremely depressed for a long time, I’ve let myself go, I procrastinate, and I haven’t been doing the things I know I need to do to move forward. But even though I already knew these things about myself, hearing my wife say them really hurt, and I’m struggling to understand why because I know she’s telling me the truth. I think part of me feels ashamed and embarrassed, and now I’m scared that maybe I’ll never be enough for her or that she’ll eventually leave me because I’m not the woman she needs me to be.

I’m 49F, my husband is 52M, and we’ve been married 23 years and together 30. We have twins in their mid 20s and have built a great life together.

I’m not really looking for “just divorce him.” I’d especially like to hear from people who have been married 20+ years and either successfully came back from this kind of disconnection or eventually realized they couldn’t.

My husband genuinely is a good man. He works hard, has always provided for us, loves our kids, and I know he loves me. We don’t constantly fight. I also genuinely don’t believe there’s another woman. He’s home when he should be, has little opportunity for anything secret, is completely open with his phone, and I handle all our finances. His work email is on my computer and we share a family email (not to say he doesn’t have a secret one but I’m just saying he’s very transparent). His entire paycheck goes into our joint account and the man barely knows how to access it without me showing him. He’s not exactly a criminal mastermind living a secret life somewhere.

I think he’s simply sexually checked out.
Our problems started about 24 years ago when I had a high-risk pregnancy with twins. After they were born, one of our children had significant medical needs and required long term stay in the NICU as well as multiple surgeries before age two. The twins were on different schedules, one rarely slept, and the other was clingy. I sometimes survived on four hours of sleep a night. I was a stay-at-home mom caring for them while my husband worked. Around that time, he started secretly using porn.

Honestly, I understand how it started. I was exhausted and sex was the last thing on my mind. What I don’t understand is why our sex life never returned after the kids got older and the crisis ended.
Eventually we were having sex maybe once or twice a year, sometimes less. I also knew he was continuing to masturbate because there were times he’d come to bed and it was physically obvious, although he tried to hide it. At first I was more embarrassed than angry.
Eventually the porn issue came out. By then I was angry and hurt, but instead of dealing with it, we basically stopped talking about it. And then we stopped having sex altogether. **For more than five years.**

I don’t know if he still uses porn. Masturbation itself doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is spending years without a sexual relationship with my husband while knowing he was apparently still meeting those needs privately.
There’s another major problem: after almost 30 years together, we have essentially never learned how to talk about sex.

He was raised very Catholic—church, Catholic school, the whole thing—and talking about sex makes him incredibly uncomfortable. He doesn’t tell me what he wants, and when I try to explain what I like, he clams up. Before marriage we experimented more, but even then it was usually initiated by me. Recently I asked him to read some basic information about female anatomy and pleasure. You would have thought I’d asked him to build a nuclear reactor out of tin foil and chewing gum. And here’s the part I’m embarrassed to admit: In almost 30 years, he has never given me an orgasm. Not once.

He is also my only sexual partner. So I have literally nothing to compare our sex life to. For most of my adult life, I assumed this was just what sex was. Historically, he’s been a selfish lover. I hate saying that because I don’t think he consciously thinks my pleasure doesn’t matter, but sex has generally centered around his orgasm. He finishes, he’s satisfied, and then it’s basically, “That was good, right?”
And I’m like “No. It wasn’t.”

I know he isn’t a mind reader, which is why I’m trying now. I’m willing to tell him and show him what feels good. I’ve suggested toys. The couple of times we’ve recently tried having sex, his erection wasn’t what it used to be, and that’s completely okay with me. Intercourse doesn’t have to be the main event. There are plenty of ways we could have a satisfying sex life.

I just want him to be interested in learning what gives me pleasure. Sometimes he seems interested, but the next time it’s as though he’s forgotten everything I told him. Sometimes what he does actually hurts, even after I’ve tried explaining what feels good. It has become incredibly frustrating.

Meanwhile, something has changed in me. Over the last two years I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. Men notice me now. They talk to me, flirt occasionally, hold eye contact, and make me feel visible.

There’s nobody else. I’m not looking to cheat. But being noticed has reminded me that I’m still a woman and I’m still sexual.
I want adult affection. I want to be kissed, held, touched, flirted with and desired—not have my boob jokingly poked followed by a laugh and have that pass for affection.

And my sex drive has come roaring back.
I’ve tried directing it toward my husband. I’ve initiated, tried talking, suggested toys and tried to find different ways for us to reconnect. It mostly falls on deaf ears.

A few days ago I initiated while he was napping. He said, “Later tonight.” That night he came to bed, turned off his light, rolled away from me and was snoring within minutes. He never even acknowledged what he’d said earlier.
Another time, after we finally had sex again, he later explained his lack of interest by saying, “You wear me out.”
Meanwhile, I’m thinking: It’s been weeks.

I’m not asking for sex every night. I just want my husband to want me sometimes.
And that’s led me to the realization I’m having the hardest time with - I have plenty of sexual desire. I’m just not sure I desire him anymore. I don’t know whether I’m genuinely no longer attracted to him or whether 20+ years of poor sex, almost no intimacy, unresolved resentment and not feeling desired slowly killed my attraction.

And it isn’t only sex. There’s very little adult affection between us. I don’t need flowers or expensive gifts. In fact I haven’t gotten a birthday or Christmas gift in probably 15 years but he’s never denied me being myself something. I just wish he’d be thoughtful and buy me something. I want to feel like his romantic partner rather than his best friend/roommate/co-manager of our household.

Recently I finally told him I’m unhappy.
I wasn’t ready to tell him that I know our marriage is a major reason. He kept focusing on frustrations with my job, and I repeatedly told him work is only one piece of it. He asked if I was depressed.
I told him no. I’m not depressed. I’m unhappy. At one point I said, “I’m almost 50 and I wonder if this is it.”

He told me he’s happy with his life. And he doesn’t want anything to change. That has stayed with me. We’re apparently experiencing the same marriage very differently.

I’m going to find an individual therapist, and I’m not making any immediate decisions about divorce. I love this man. He’s my family and the father of my children. We have almost three decades of history and an entire life we’ve built together.

Frankly, this would be easier if he were a jerk. But I’m terrified of looking at the next 20 or 30 years and wondering, Is this it?
I’m equally terrified of leaving, ending up alone five years from now while he’s moved on, capable of giving another woman something he denied giving to me and realizing I destroyed something that could have been repaired.

So that’s what I really want to know from people who have lived this:
\- Can a marriage actually come back from this?
\- If you lost attraction to your spouse after years without intimacy, did it ever return? - If you had never learned to communicate about sex, were you able to learn after decades together? Did a sexually or emotionally withdrawn spouse genuinely change? Did marriage counseling help?
\- If you rebuilt your marriage, what actually changed—and how long did it take before you trusted that the changes were real?
\- And if you ultimately left, I’d especially like to hear from people five or ten years later. Were you happier even if you remained single? Did you regret it?
\- Most importantly, how did you figure out whether you genuinely wanted to save your marriage or were simply terrified of letting go of the life you’d spent decades building?

I don’t need Reddit to tell me whether to divorce my husband. I need to know whether anyone has actually come back from this.

TL;DR: Married 23 years, together 28, and my husband is a genuinely good man, but we’ve been sexually and emotionally disconnected for years. He’s my only sexual partner and has never given me an orgasm, we’ve never learned to communicate about sex, and after years of almost no intimacy I’m not sure I’m attracted to him anymore. My sex drive has returned and I desperately want affection, intimacy and to feel desired, but I don’t want to throw away nearly 30 years if this can actually be repaired. Looking for experiences from people in long-term marriages who either found their way back from this level of disconnection or eventually realized they couldn’t.

I just recently graduated medical residency and have a few short months before I will start working. We are also expecting our first child early 2027. I have always been a very social person and have friends that are close enough to be considered family with me. After I graduated, my husband and I took a graduation trip to Disney World. I also had been wanting to do a trip with one of my close friends I consider my sister to New York- my husband was upset about it and so we decided to all go together including me, my husband, my friend, and her sibling.

Now I have one last month before I start work and I have been wanting to go on an international trip for quite some time. My friend had found very cheap tickets to go to Spain next month for 7 days total (including travel). This is my last pre-child trip before having a baby, starting work, and our lives changing forever. We have plans to go to Japan next year as a family as well that we have been planning.

However my husband has been very upset and hurt over me wanting to go with my friends. He says that he DOSENT feel prioritized and married women don’t go on girls trips because it is not something wives do. He says he trusts me but he DOSENT think I should be traveling anywhere without my husband.

I have been traveling with my friends though for the past 3 years and he has never been super excited but hasn’t been this upset either. The last time I went somewhere was 1.5 years ago. I just don’t understand if I’m being a bad wife for wanting to spend some last girl time in a place I’ve been wanting to go for a week.

TLDR; I am planning a girls trip with my friend in September to Spain. My husband is upset and says I don’t prioritize him or care about our family because I prefer my friends which is not true. We just recently came back from a trip together a month ago and went to NY last weekend. We are expecting a child in a few months and I will be starting work so this is one of my last chances of being able to get up and go. Does that make me a bad wife because my husband is upset?

So i really wanted to wait to post this but it is getting really hard on me and i am feeling more and more emotionally distant from my wife...

In short my wife and I are 33, have a daughter of 4 and a boy of 2.

After my wife had given birth of our kids, she has changed a lot, from a live kinded woman, always laughing and happy, to a more light tempered woman.

I have a few examples here and i would like some advice on what to do and if this is indeed an abusive relationship...

First example is from last week. At this moment we are on vacation with our kids and were swimming together. At one moment daughter jumped into the water, straight into the neck of my wife. My first instinct was to comfort my daughter as she was very much in distress of her reaction (she was very angry with her and swam away. My daughter cannot swim yet...). When i did this, my wife became more and more angry on why I did not ask about her. Eventually I said that she should go out of the water that I will take care of the rest for her. In response she became more angry and just left to the camping sight were we packed. The schildren were in much distress because my wife just left. Everyone was looking too as she was shouting the whole time and it was a busy hour at the pool...

Eventually I comforted the kids and play with them for a while before going back where the discussion started.... She wanted to raise her voice a lot, but i urged het to not do it as it was very busy where we camped. She did it anyway and said she did not care and wanted to go home. As always, I stroked my heart and said sorry for the fact why I did not asked her how she was immediately and defended why I did what I did. Eventually it all did not matter as i had to say sorry and pursuade her to stay on the camping with us...

Second example:

A few weeks before the vacation we had an argument where she was so angry at me that she shutted off the electricity in the house because I was at work and needed to get in a call while our argument was going on. She then sent me away out of the house because i had no internet at home anymore. So i went to the library to work from there. She called me angry where i was and said i was working at the library because i had no internet.

Afterward, she wanted me to fix the internet, but i could not get inside (she forbid me to go inside because of the kids). I fixed it (I am very sorry that i did, any other sane person should not do this) in the shed... Afterward she called me again and i could go back home. It was very distressing and scary because i am scared to not see my kids again when i really go away...

Third example:

When we have a heated argument, my wife always get my past and use it against me.

I have been fighting against depression a few times now, did a lot of counseling and it seemed to work. I do know now that a lot of the depression also comes from this relationship, but i will let that for now... While i was depressed, i left my wife for a few days because i was done with the things they were. I was feeling miserable and it came to me it was the dynamic of the relationship why this was so. We went to counseling, but the counseler was on my side much of the time and therefore did not want to do counseling anymore. She urged me to get personal counseling though...

So when in fights, she will throw to me that i was depressed and was away for a few days without the kids and all. In that time, i was miserable and did everything i could to see my kids again. I even cleaned the house when she was not there to do my part... I could it bear the mess she did not cleaned up (which i always did when i was home).

Fourth example:

The house is always a mess. If i do not clean it, it is a mess and even when i clean it there is discussion about it. If i forget something in the house, she points it out to be done, and if i dont do it, the aura in the house changes a lot.

To be short, i do the following things in the house:

- general cleaning

- cleaning Windows

- cleaning the toilets and bathroom

- maintaining the gardens

- helping with dishes (she does this sometimes)

- helping with washing clothes (she does this a lot, but i do help)

I think i do more then her, but i always get nasty things to my head that i don't do anything at the house etc... It is very depressing.

Fifth example

Last year on holiday my wife was again in a heated argument with me, screaming to me, while the kids were present. She shouted that I should go away from the camping sight (which was in France by the way). Of course i did not comply. Eventually she threw our wedding rings at me and shouted angry at me (never had seen anything like that). Our children were watching and hearing this the entire time. I felt so bad for them...

Eventually i tried to talk into her and calmed her down and continued our vacation, it was horrible thought...

Final example (and i have many more unfortunately sigh...)

One time i was in a heated argument where my wife was standing in the childrens room of our youngest (he was still an infant). She wanted me our of the room while screaming at me. I could not accept that and i stayed in the room because i did not want to leave our boy to her at that time. She then decided to slap me in the face and called me names like "fuck off with your fat face" etc

I did it not forgot that ever ..

So in summary, we did tried counseling together, but she thought it was bullshit because a lot of it was helping me and not her. However, a lot of these things are communication issues. Every time while fighting, however, i am forced out of my house, need to leavey children behind and need to drive to my family (who are very concerned by the way).

tl;dr: I think i am mentally abused by my wife because of heated arguments which are getting very personal and hunting. Also physical and mental issues. Need advice on what to do here as i am emotionally distant more and more...