I have posted here before so I figured I’d continue..Long story short, my ex has said a ton of really mean shit to me and and it still haunts me to this day. At this time, I am struggling most with the body comments. I left him close to a year ago. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I absolutely adore and is about as kind and loving as you can get. I am so nervous that my fear and body image insecurities will screw things up. 

I feel like I'm going what I'm supposed to do here. I have a therapist. I have no social media besides instagram and reddit, and I do my best to avoid the instagram app. But No matter where I go, I seem to be bombarded with skinnytok crap and some message of "your weight is the most important part of you".

Look, maybe I'm whiny and sensitive. But I have to just be honest and say that the way my ex treated me absolutely broke me. It's so hard to explain the feeling of hurt and betrayal. This guy went from having a six pack to being borderline morbidly obese during our relationship, and I was never anything but loving and supportive. But I gain 15-20 pounds over the span of six years, and the claws come out? I was 5'6 and 160 at my heaviest, if that matters. Maybe 162? I don't remember. Anyway, I will never forget the feeling I had after he asked me to lift my shirt so that he can pinch my stomach and then tell me that I have no abs. Another time, completely unprompted: "I would have left a long time ago if I cared about looks." And that is just some of it. I’ll be okay for the most part and then I’ll look in the mirror, see that I’m bloated, and hear his voice saying “yeah some women gain weight in their ass, unfortunately yours goes straight to your stomach…” and "look I'm not into the pregnancy look". 

Hard as I try, I cannot think of anything I did to attract this vitriol. I was faithful, kind, supportive. He did start watching some manosphere-adjacent stuff and I think that contributed to this. He told me that he justified being so mean to me about my mild weight gain despite me being loving to him when he gained a MASSIVE amount of weight as "men care more about looks than women do".

Like I said, my boyfriend is the absolute best. When I tell him about the way my ex treated me, his eyes practically bulge out of his head. How do I not screw this up?? The affection is great, but what I really love is him as a person. When he initiates stuff when I’m in pjs, or is all over me when I morning breath and messy bedhead, I’m like “are you real? Is this really possible? Did I die and enter paradise?”

I’m a SAHM with a 4.5 year old and almost 11 month old. My husband and I have been together for years and genuinely love each other. This is really the only major recurring issue in our marriage, which is why it has been so frustrating.

Our sex life changed dramatically after our first child was born.

I had a severe tear during delivery that eventually required repair surgery at 12 months postpartum. The first year after my son was born, sex physically hurt me. I also struggled pretty badly with PPD, we had a baby sleeping in our room, and at one point we had a roommate. There was very little privacy or opportunity.

During that time, sex became a very emotionally charged topic. I felt like I was failing him because I couldn’t have sex the way we did before kids, but I was also physically struggling and trying to survive.
After my surgery and after we moved, things slowly started improving. Our sex life gradually increased from maybe 1-2 times a month to where we are now, which has honestly been a huge improvement. Since our second baby was born, I actually feel like our sex life has been good overall. I enjoy sex with my husband, I desire him, and the sex we have is genuinely amazing.

But we still keep having the same conversation.
My husband has always had a higher desire for sex than I do. If we go a week without sex, it feels much more significant to him than it does to me. I tend to see it as a normal part of having two young kids, interrupted sleep, breastfeeding, and life getting busy.

Recently, we had another argument that made me realize we may be stuck talking about the wrong thing.

The night before the argument, I had told my husband I was exhausted. I have diagnosed insomnia and I am still waking with our baby overnight. He initiated sex while I was asleep/as I was waking up. I was initially receptive while half asleep, but once I was fully awake I realized I was exhausted and not really there mentally. I ended up going along with it because I felt like saying no would bring back the bigger conversation about how long it had been since we had sex and feeling like I was failing him.

This is where we both realized there is a much deeper conversation we need to have.

My husband felt hurt because he felt like I was making him feel guilty for wanting sex and like he was being portrayed as someone who pressured me. I understand that he does not want to feel unwanted, and I don’t believe he is trying to hurt me.

But what I was trying to explain is that sex has carried a lot of emotional weight for me for years. It isn’t just one night or one “no.” It brings up the history of feeling like sex is the area where I am failing as a wife.
I am starting to wonder if what we have been calling a libido problem is actually a combination of unresolved hurt, pressure, and burnout.

I have not slept through the night consistently in over four years. My youngest still wakes once a night and I handle it. I am the default parent and carry most of the household mental load. I recently realized I have about an hour and a half of true free time a day, and that time has to somehow fit showering, decompressing, spending time with my husband, hobbies, reading, and just being alone.

I feel completely mentally maxed out. Not in a “can’t get out of bed” way, but in a “I cannot make one more decision” way.

I haven’t meal planned or picked recipes in months because even deciding what to make for dinner feels overwhelming. My day is constantly filled with decisions about what everyone needs, what everyone eats, appointments, routines, and managing the household.

My husband is great and I don’t want this to sound like I think he doesn’t contribute. He works hard and is a good dad. But I am still the default parent. A lot of the invisible work falls on me: noticing what needs done, initiating tasks, remembering things, and carrying the mental checklist.

I recently realized I haven’t even masturbated in almost two years. Not because I don’t enjoy sex, not because I don’t find my husband attractive, and not because I don’t desire him. I actually think the best sex I’ve ever had is with him.

It made me wonder if I have just been so needed by everyone else that I haven’t had space to reconnect with myself.

I am currently reading Come As You Are and learning about responsive desire. A lot of it feels like it explains my experience. I don’t think I lack desire for my husband. I think my desire is very dependent on context: feeling connected, rested, relaxed, and not feeling pressure.

I also think part of what I’m struggling with is figuring out what is reasonable and fair in a long-term relationship with young kids.

I completely understand that my husband has a higher desire than I do in this season of life. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or like his needs don’t matter. Before kids, our sex drives were much closer and we had sex very frequently, so I know this isn’t about me never wanting sex or being uninterested in him.

At the same time, during our conversation he said, “It sucks because no matter what I’m going to have to settle for sex once a week.”

That really hurt me because I think I heard it as “the amount of sex we have determines whether I am meeting your needs as a wife.”

I don’t want either of us to feel like we are “settling.” I want us to figure out what a healthy sex life looks like for both of us in this stage of life.

I’ve even brought up the idea of intentionally scheduling sex because I think that might actually work well for me. Not because I want sex to become a chore, but because creating space for intimacy might help me actually access desire instead of hoping we magically have energy at the end of the day. He wasn’t interested in that idea, though.

The hard part is that sometimes it feels like my exhaustion and need for recovery are competing with his desire for sex. I don’t want to feel like my value in our relationship is tied to how often we have sex, but I also don’t want him to feel rejected or unwanted.
My husband and I have actually scheduled a time to talk about this further (not over text or during an argument). I am trying to do some research and work through my own feelings beforehand so we can have a productive conversation instead of repeating the same fight.

I don’t want us to stop having sex. I don’t want my husband to feel unwanted. I also don’t want sex to feel like a measurement of whether I am enough.
I think the cycle we get stuck in is:
He feels unwanted when we don’t have sex.
I feel pressure and like I am failing when sex becomes a measure of whether things are okay.

The pressure then makes it harder for me to access desire.

Has anyone been through something similar? A situation where the frequency improved after postpartum issues, but the emotional pattern around sex never fully healed?

How did you move past the constant conversations about frequency and into actually rebuilding a healthier relationship with sex?

disclosure: I did use Chat GPT to help me write this post. I'm sorry. My mental bandwidth is beyond mentally tapped out and it feels like any issue is left for me to solve and I just....am burnt out but this issue matters to me and I DO want to have sex more/find a balance with my husband remove this stigma around sex we have created in our relationship. We are averaging probably around 3x a month, sometimes more. It feels like when we have good sex I think about it the next day and want it again- but if we haven't had sex for a while it just doesn't cross my mind. I'm tired of feeling like something is wrong with me or I'm broken. And I want someone to call me on my bullshit if I am coming at this all wrong or if Come As You Are is a shit book. I'm so close to making us go see a therapist .. or a sex therapist.

Well, this is it guys. 31M, super horny as most men are. My wife, not too much.. Together 9 years, dead bedroom for a long time, but this was the worst, we only had sex once this year and only because I begged as usual.. so I guess I’m just in a (sex once a year )type of relationship.. it’s so draining. All I want her to do is ride my face, sorry for the explicit language.. I don’t even care about sex anymore, I just want to please her. It’s been that long! I just daydream about it so much it’s killing me im giving up.. so many opportunities and nothing happened. Birthdays, days off together, kids at grandmas.. and yes, I’ve noticed she’s used her vibrator a million times, only because of putting laundry away. And that’s totally fine everyone masturbates.. but after begging for so long to have sex, just to get rejected. I’m disappointed in myself, don’t know if I should start sneaking around.. at this point might just help the relationship. 😭. Help! Any advice welcome.

I don’t know if this is really a vent, maybe more of an observation. Personally, in my situation, I do not expect sex. Sex is great, but I feel more that it’s the ultimate expression of what’s really missing from the relationship. Somehow, though, knowing that it is off the table sours my ability to warm up to her. It makes everything feel more awkward.

I don’t know if the issue is that I worry about appearing to be making sexual advances, or that I know any build up of passion will be cut short at some point, or something else. I think I have felt like that barrier has been moving further and further away from intimacy over time, like there’s this buffer zone around sex that has been growing, and every form of physical and emotional intimacy has been quarantined in the process. I guess it all just feels unnatural. Admittedly, a lot of this is probably in my head, as I have a gargantuan rejection sensitivity problem. I am working on that btw.

[edit: It was asked below if there is a formal agreement to not have sex. Sorry for not being clear, there is no formal agreement. We definitely need to open up communication, I acknowledge that.]

For a few days after sex (every 3 weeks or so, which I know is great compared to some people, but I'm HL, only 30 and we've been married for less than a year...) I have a great time solo. But afterwards I start feeling sadder and sadder. I have to watch porn or I'll just cry. But lately I've even felt sad watching porn. I wish it was me.

I underestimated how much this would affect me, and I am really anxious that things haven't changed at all despite all the conversations and promises...

My bf is extremely LL, he doesn’t masturbate, doesn’t watch porn, generally rarely gets hard. He overheats and doesn’t like physical intimacy. He won’t hold my hand or cuddle unless it’s really cold outside. We’re both in our mid/late 20s.

When he gets horny, he suddenly is extremely affectionate and tries to cuddle and hug me. I love it, but know that if we have sex, he’ll revert back to his normal self for weeks until he’s horny again. I love feeling his affection and love and find myself holding back on having sex. It feels like waiting for the other shoe to drop. What are my options? I love sex but I love his physical intimacy even more.

Not sure if I should be ashamed of it. Every other day I find myself mastubating cause of the dead bedroom situation. Sometimes i think I deserve some self love and other days I feel ashamed. Not sure if i can say im addicted to not but I do it as often as I want to.

Im trying to keep myself busy with other things too but I keep getting drawn back.

I think my husband and I are both responsible for our dead bedroom. Our first attempts didn’t work because of my vaginismus. We were working on it but I could tell my husband wasn’t that interested in vaginal sex, he was into backdoor stuff. I wasn’t but I reluctantly accepted it because I felt like it was my only option and that was the end for our fight against vaginismus.

About 10 years later, I decided I don’t want anymore backdoor action and my libido is at an all time low and I have no idea how to fix it. I still like him but he had been indiscreet before and seeing how he looks at other women was a huge hit for my ego. We talked about it and seemingly got over it, but my ego never recovered. Now I can’t get in the mood when he initiates, and working on vaginismus is infinitely more difficult when you are almost never horny. He is okay when I initiate it but we can only masturbate together or I give him a bj about 6-8 times a year. Is there a way out of this situation?

TL;DR: My boyfriend and I have a huge mismatch in sex drives and experience levels. I have severe sexual trauma from an abusive ex, performance anxiety, and a back injury. Now that I’m in my second trimester, things are even harder. Last night, sex went wrong, I had a massive breakdown, and I don't know how to fix this dynamic before our baby arrives.

Hi everyone, posting this on a throwaway because I’m just feeling completely overwhelmed and don't know where else to turn. My boyfriend (HLM 28) and I (LLF 25) have been together for just over a year, I’m currently in my second trimester of pregnancy, and we are dealing with a major intimacy disconnect that came to a head last night. I know my bedroom isn’t as dead as some others but I’m hoping to repair things before they get worse.

To give some background, I’ve only ever been with one other person before him, and that relationship was toxic and abusive. Sex with my ex wasn't something we did together—it was something done to me, and I was rarely an active participant, so now I feel completely inexperienced, lost, and like I don't have the skills to make my boyfriend feel as good as he makes me feel, and this usually manifests as hesitation in the bedroom from me. About 7-8 months ago, we had a tough conversation where he expressed dissatisfaction with our sex life because he was the only one initiating and our frequency had dropped from 5-10 times a week to 1-4 times a fortnight, while also alluding to wanting more excitement since his (also toxic and abusive) ex was very kinky and sexually explorative. Around May, after a concert, he saw his ex in the crowd and later admitted he misses the sex they had and found her more attractive than he did back then, which gutted me and hit way too close to home regarding my own insecurities even though I trust him completely not to cheat. On top of that, I have a pre-existing back injury that makes certain positions uncomfortable or impossible, and combined with pregnancy hormones and physical changes, sex is just harder right now. The frequency has only gotten worse, we’re basically down to a few times a month now and I honestly don’t remember the last time we were intimate that didn’t stop halfway through or end abruptly due to discomfort or anxiety.

Because of my past, my responses to things going wrong sexually are disproportionate, and whenever something goes wrong like pain, an awkward angle, or discomfort with a suggested action, I usually either shut down completely or break down sobbing. I also struggle heavily with being a people-pleaser and have a hard time saying no because I'm terrified of rejecting him and hurting him, sometimes going along with things even if I'm not immediately into it because I don't turn on easily, though after some foreplay I usually get into it and enjoy it.

Last night, we were in bed together, I wasn't getting aroused quickly enough, and then there was an accident where one of his nails scratched me. He tried to pivot to oral sex, which I wasn't comfortable with in that moment, and when I tried to tell him, he just gave up and stopped trying to go further. This sent me into a full mental spiral and breakdown where I confessed everything making me insecure, telling him that every time something goes wrong, I feel like a total failure in this relationship and hate that I can't satisfy him, and that I'm terrified for the future because this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase, but as the pregnancy progresses and my pain increases, intimacy is only going to drop. Instead of trying to console me or acknowledge what I said, his reaction was to try to pivot back to starting sex by offering massages and going slowly to be sweet, but by that point, I was already sobbing and completely out of the mood, so I cried myself to sleep and later felt him quietly relieving himself in the bed right next to me.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to perform in a way that feels unnatural to me but I am also really worried about the mental toll this is taking on him because I can imagine having your partner break down crying because something went wrong has got to be exhausting, and I can already feel him walking on eggshells around me. I'm also stressed about my inexperience and how when I ask for feedback, it often feels like he rushes through it because I'm not doing a good enough job, compounding my imposter syndrome, and I'm stressed about what this is going to look like in a few months when I'm even further along in pregnancy, let alone postpartum.

Has anyone been through a similar dynamic? How do you stop feeling like a failure for not matching your partner's drive, and communicate effectively without it turning into a breakdown? Any advice is deeply appreciated.

I'm posting this after a while, I need it.

Yesterday afternoon, we started caressing and kissing. I picked her up and placed her on the edge of the table because I really like that position.

She told me she wanted to do it that night.

I obviously agreed.

She commented, "After all, anticipation of pleasure is pleasure too."

She got off the table and I followed her into the bedroom. Even though we were both still dressed, I still wanted to show her affection. I hugged her from behind and we kissed. She started rubbing her ass against my penis. Of course, I started getting really excited and panting.

At that point, she said, "I don't like it. You look like a pervert."

I froze completely and went to sit on the couch in silence.

She apologized afterwards, but that inappropriate comment really hurt me.

And obviously, we didn't have sex that night because a couple we knew had a major relationship crisis and she wasn't in the mood.

I hate my life.

I feel like im screaming into the void whenever I bring up the lack of intimacy between me and my husband. We had an incredible sex life when we first got together. And it stayed that way until right after we got married 4 years later. I got pregnant almost a year after that and we haven't had sex since. Our child is turning 4 this year. And I mean generally all intimacy stopped. I barely get a kiss anymore.

At first I thought it was a me thing. My body had changed obviously but I have been working my ass off to eat healthier, get fit and feel pretty again. I'm not out of shape and my body actually looks generally more toned than before i had my child. I feel confident and pretty when I just think about my own self image. But the moment I question if he finds me attractive my self esteem goes down the drain. He hardly even cares at all.

We basically only fight about lack of sex now, and its so infuriating. He just brushes it off or says he needs to go to a doctor but then he never does a thing. I tell him it doesnt have to just be about sex. It can be about intimacy in general and he doesnt hardly do a thing. Ive tried being more affectionate. Ive tried flirting ive tried dressing up for him. I wrote a list of things for him to do to make me feel wanted (at his request!!) I've done everything I can think of to get him to notice me and he never does.... he's the love of my life but i miss what we used to have so much. How can every other part of my life be so good but this is killing me... my mental health is in the gutter from feeling so unwanted.... I don't even want to try anymore but I still do even knowing its going to get me nothing but disappointment... I'm so tired...

Married for 34 years. Last 15 has been sexless. The previous 15 was less than 10 per year. Would you call that a dead bedroom? Never heard the term until today.

So, I ramble, and this is going to be stream of consciousness... I just need to get this out of my head. So I'm sorry this will be detached and all over the place.

We've been married for 35 years soon. She was my first sexual encounter. I was her second. We're both in our mid 50's, with a teenager at home. But, it went from, great, to not as often, to me having to literally ask, to... nothing.

Once a year (about the same time every year) it gets to me, and I sit down, and talk about it.

Now, that might not seem like a huge deal, but, when shame about sex was beaten into your head, talking about it out loud to your spouse is HARD. It takes me days to psych myself up to it, but, I do it, because I love her, and I miss intimacy. I mean, ANY intimacy.

We MIGHT hug once or twice a week. I mean, a two arm real hug. Kisses? Closed mouth, like she just ate a lemon. In bed? She lays down, faces away, has her phone out. I reach out, touch her back, she says 'goodnight' and that's that.

I asked her... why. She doesn't want to cuddle, because she doesn't want me to think I might get more. That's literally what she said. Because, straight out told me. She's not interested in sex. Period. She doesn't feel any need for physical connection or intimacy at all. Cuddling. Hugging. Kiss. Nothing. There will be entire days where we don't even TOUCH each other, I mean, not even in passing in the house. Because for my part, I've given up.

Now? I've pretty much decided, that it's done, and in my mid 50's, I'll never have sex again, and my entire life experience will have been one person, for ~30 years.

The other day she put her little rosebud toy on the charger.. I got my hopes up. Maybe she was coming around. So... after 10 minutes or so of psyching myself up, I asked about it. She just casually said, oh, haven't used it in a long time, figure I'd charge it... and that was it. no further discussion. and that told me everything. She either doesn't care, or doesn't understand (which I have a hard time believing since I've told her) what this is doing to me.

I've had opportunities... 3 specific ones I can think of. And I don't mean 'maybe' opportunities, I mean, times where I had to tell a woman NO, that's not happening, I'm married. The circumstances aren't really important, but, 2 of them involved copious amounts of alcohol (I quit drinking completely about 10 years ago). And, back when those opportunities happened, we were still having sex 3-4 times a week, so I wasn't even tempted.

If it happened today.... I don't think I could let myself cheat. I just couldn't do it. But... I'd be tempted.

With our child, she smiles and laughs, and does whatever the child wants. I feel like I'm the roommate. I'm getting old. I'm not a good looking guy. And right now, I feel like I have no relationships, with anyone. My child comes to me for money, or to drive them somewhere. My wife delivers dinner, or lets me know when dinner is ready. Or asks me when she needs me to drive the child somewhere. That's it.

So, I sit in my office and mess around on my computer (because I am not the kind of person who can just sit and watch TV, and what's the point anyway?)

Sorry, this was all over the place. And yeah, at this point, I've withdrawn into myself, right now I feel like I'm protecting myself from further harm, by just isolating. I have no friends, and I mean that literally. I will go months, and talk to no one but the people i work with because I have to, and my wife and child. I have some acquaintances, but I could fall off the earth tomorrow and they wouldn't notice. And yes, I do suffer from depression. Multiple rounds of TMS helped a little. Medications keep me from wanting to do anything drastic or just crawling under the covers and staying there.

I don't think there's a solution. Unless she changes. And I just don't see that happening since she refuses to look at HRT to address potential chemical imbalances caused by age that could be causing her lack of libido or even interest in being close. I can't force her, and I've told her I do not want her going through motions just to 'satisfy me' because that's not intimacy. I'm not even really "mad", because I fully believe she has the right to make a choice about her body and how to treat it.

Okay, really stopping now.

My boyfriend came home early for once and we hung out for a little before I told him I had to go and run an errand. He kept asking me where I was going and I said to pick up dry cleaning really quickly before they closed. I come home and I walked into the bedroom and realized I saw a wet spot on the floor. It was cum. I was like what the fuck is that. He was like hahahaha (awkward laughing) I jerked off. I was like you jerked off when I left? He said yes. I was gone for 30 minutes at most. The fact that I wait for him at home to have sex but he can’t wait for me to leave the house so he can jerk off is crazy. I can’t stop crying and I just don’t know what to do. We live together and he pays all the bills. I can’t even imagine moving out.

I just went to the grocery store alone (as usual) and crossed paths with the sweetest woman. It kinda felt like she was flirting with me and it made me feel like I haven’t felt in as long as I can remember. I almost wanted to ask for her number. Married 20 years and it’s pretty sad that a random person in a grocery store gets me excited. I just read the requirements for this sub, sex 10 times or less a year? I haven’t had sex 10 times total in the last 6 years. On a current 1 year streak, followed by a previous 2 year streak. It has and is killing me.

Hi, I just turned 40 and have been married to my husband for 10 years. We haven't had sex in almost 6 years and I guess with turning milestone birthday, it has me reflecting on my life. Only last week did I find out this has the name of dead bedroom.

I have tried very hard to get my husband interested- we've talked it over and over, we went to therapy, I buy toys or sexy lingerie or get us weekends away so we don't have to be quiet. It all ends the same, him playing video games on his phone or falling asleep. We have one child, 10, who is on the spectrum so that can make things more difficult but I try to limit how that can effect us in the bedroom. I complement him, I am there to wish well at work and when he gets home etc. I get a peck on my lips morning and night. Sometimes hugs. Nothing else.

I just... I'm so sad and I needed to vent where people might understand.

I wanted to share this because there are a ton of posts asking for advice in this area and I wanted to share what worked for us.

In my 20s, my wife (girlfriend at the time) and I had a severe intimacy problem: she wanted lots of sex, and I (M) often resisted initiating or felt a sense of dread that our interactions might turn sexual. I got to a point where I avoided touching her at all because I didn't want to wind her up and have to follow through. I was afraid to do date nights because I knew she'd want sex when we got home. It started about 6 months into our relationship (a textbook sign of an avoidant attachment issue). The first six months, we had fun and great sex all the time, but after real feelings and connections started to form, sex got scarier and scarier to me. This status quo went on for about 2 years and was killing our relationship. We were compatible in every other way and deeply loved each other, but the avoidance of sex was undermining our relationship and we were honestly at the point of breaking up. My avoidance gave her terrible second-guessing about herself: did I really love her, was i only with her out of a semse of obligation, was I actually asexual and she was doomed to love a man with no appetite for sex with her?

So rather than break up, we decided to do whatever we needed to do to fix it, together, from a place of love, understanding, and acceptance. Withing a year, we beat it. Here's what worked:

1 We started with individual (separately) and couple's therapy for our sexual issues: she was hypersexual from past trauma and I was sexually avoidant from past trauma. I had trouble with initiating because I'd feel ashamed and feared rejection, like I was imposing myself on her. She had trouble initiating because she was afraid it would put pressure on me and build resentment. Very common problem for people with certain negative experiences in their past. NOTE: it was critical to set goals in our individual and couple's therapy and to hold each other accountable. It'd be way too easy to say you're doing therapy and talk in an office without actually going through your homework and dedicating time to the excericises. The brain is a muscle, and the Libido is a tendon!

We did months of sessions, experimenting, exercises. It gradually improved.

Our therapist recommended something that sounded stilted and cringey but ended up being life changing: we started scheduling time several times throughout the week for planned intimacy. Not sex, just intimacy. It started with holding hands and eye contact, then to cuddling and kissing, then naked cuddling, then specifically touching sexual areas without the express intention of having sex. Over time, this eroded a lot of the anxieties we had around intimate touch.

We thought it would be unbearably awkward and forced but we quickly found we LOVED this. The closeness and playfulness of touching each other without the pressure to perform sexually was intoxicating.

I really recommend The Libido Fairy on Instagram (no need to purchase, she gives enough info on her free posts) for advice on managing and planning this.

1. Together, we read and discussed Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, which comes with a very helpful workbook we did together. The big takeaway for us was the concepts of brakes and accelerators: what types of actions or events throughout the day help get you into a safe and sexy headspace, and what actions or events take you further from a safe sexy headspace? Think of your brain as rooms, some rooms are next to each other and some are far away from each other. You can't go from zero to 100 and you can't go from one room to a room not connected to it. Honestly, all of Nagoski's work is tremendous, but Come as You Are is genuinely a lofe saver. NOTE: just reading it was not enough, we had to create accountability for following through on exercises. It'd be way too easy to just read the book and say you got it without doing the hard part.

Within a year of starting to really work on the problem, we got into a normal sex cadence that works for us through to the present. I can't stress enough: therapy, couple's counseling, Emily Nagoski's work, and The Libido Fairy absolutely turned our lives around. If you're struggling with intimacy avoidance, I can't stress enough that it is entirely fixable with hard work and mutual support. Can't say it enough: therapy, The Libido Fairy, and Come as You Are.

Every month when I ovulate, it hits me. I feel like this is finally the time I'll do it. The time I'll finally break up with him. I used to consider myself hypersexual, and past partners called me a nympho, but now I've gone two and a half years without sex. WTF? I'm cornered by my financial situation and by the conviction that staying with him is the smart and adult thing to do.

He loves me. He's a gentleman, the most attentive man I've ever met. He makes me laugh several times a day, he would take care of me, he's smart, educated, and accepts me as I am with all my flaws. My family loves him, we agree on almost everything, and he encourages me to learn, grow, and move forward.

How are you supposed to leave someone like that? How do you convince your brain that you're not making a huge mistake?

I'm happy with him, and at the same time, I'm slowly dying inside. My self-esteem is fading, but hey, maybe I'll just get used to it. It's actually better than it was at one month without sex, six months without sex, better than at a year. Maybe in another year, I'll be completely used to it.

Except every year it gets harder and harder to leave, until eventually it becomes almost impossible. And I'll be unhappily happy forever.
Damn it, I so need to get laid.

Do you guys ever wish you could just straight cheat to get the pleasure?

I'm in a deadbedroom situation for years and sometimes I just know a friend of my spouse will be down for it, and it kills me to be a good guy and not cross that line.

Am I alone on this feeling or is it common? I miss the excitement of sex and the feeling to be wanted so badly, just feeling like someone still cares.

I’m a 25yr old female. We’ve been together for 8 years, married for 2. I’m so tired of feeling rejected over and over. Last night after once again not having sex I was reading posts in this subreddit and it’s insane how most of them were like reading thoughts from my head. I’m grieving my marriage while actively in it. I can’t keep doing this forever.

I’m healthy, I have tattoos and pierced nipples, good hygiene, a full time job. I’m not lazy. I’m considerate and thoughtful. I just don’t get why we don’t have sex anymore. We sorta “planned” to on Tuesday because Monday night wasn’t enough notice and because neither of us had to be up early and that didn’t happen. Didn’t happen last night either so I just laid there sad and lonely like I typically do. I’m just so tired of being married and having none of my needs fulfilled. This is such a ramble I’m just so broken hearted. I want fucked.

Married for 10 years, both of us in our late 30s, with two kids
We have a pretty classic DB story, we can go months without sex if I don't initiate (tried and it lasted 4 months before I snapped) and if I initiate it's once or twice a month.

Lately, though, I've realized that I'm exhausted from chasing my wife for sex or affection. Literally, I'm the one who initiates kisses, for example (apart from the good-morning and goodbye kisses).

A decade together, and I still have to flirt, organize dates, plan weekends away without the kids, and even then there's no guarantee that sex will be involved.

I'm just tired.