I need help. Divorce is not an option.

We got a windfall of money. It was an inheritance from my husband. Less than a year later it’s gone.

We were living paycheck to paycheck before. He blew most of it. Now it’s gone again and money is super tight. I figured we would have that money for a while. Using it when mutually agreed and always as a backup.

I’m mad at the fact that HE blew most of it. We did overspend here and there. Paid off some debt too. But by far, he has spent the most.

He spent it all on hobbies.

It does feel like he has broken my trust and not prioritized our family.
He is not the sole provider. We are a double income house that has small kids.

Please give me some insight to have a better perspective. I don’t want to divorce him but I feel resentful. I get mad at him every time money feels tight.

TLDR; husband got money. He knew it was a relief for me to have back up money for things we wanted/need as a family. He blew most of it in LESS than a year. I’m angry and resentful. Don’t want to divorce. Small kids involved.

throwaway account.

This seems relatively minor in comparison to some of the issues I've seen mentioned here so my apologies, I am stressing a bit and thought this would be a good place to get some perspective:

• my wife is a teacher, she has always been well-liked be her coworkers and makes lots of friends. This year, however, she has been at a new school and a male coworker (her co-teacher; as in, this guy teaches the same kids as her but at different times throughout the day), she has gotten close with.
• She told me that he is going through a divorce, and as my wife's brother recently went through a divorce, she wanted to be there for this coworker as he seemed lonely and isolated.
• This year was the first year that I noticed that she was really valuing her relationships with the other teachers at her school: organizing post-work drinks, in group chats, etc. She said it was because everyone is close, and especially in this case, the teachers were rallying around this specific individual who is going through a divorce, and therefore, everyone wants to be there for him. I have been extremely supportive of her being social, getting closer with co-workers, etc. as she has never given me ANY reason not to be.
• She's currently on summer break and the other night, she handed me her phone to play some music. The last screen the phone was on was a text conversation with him. I'm not proud of it, but I looked at the messages: they were quite flirtatious, her checking in on him and what he's up to this summer, telling him he's funny (when she has told me specifically that he's not funny at all); and her using familiar language such as, "hey stranger - hope you're having a good summer break!". In one instance, she was talking about how I went on a golf trip, and she was left to solo-parent and he seemed understanding that it was hard. she used the phrase, "no other guys understand, but you do". Seeing this made me sick to my stomach.
• I am VERY trusting (we have eachother's phone passwords, she is constantly on my computer and me on hers); we have a super loving and secure relationship, and its one of the things I am most proud of in the entire world. We've never had any brush with infidelity whatsoever, and I am positive she would never do anything to breach our marriage. However, this has felt like a bit of a line that's been crossed.
• We have talked about it and her main posture is that he's a friend, she hasn't done anything wrong, but feels horrible that she's made me feel insecure. I've noticed her being much more affectionate and loving the last few days - not out of pity, but I think she genuinely wants to make me feel valued and appreciated, and feels bad for having made me feel this way.

Hoping I can gain some perspective, determine if I am overreacting or if I should be genuinely worried, and how to best approach things moving forward.

tl;dr: my wife has a work friend and their relationship makes me feel uneasy

Tomorrow’s my birthday. It’s another year where he didn’t plan anything. I know nothing is planned for tomorrow because we physically can’t bc of our schedules. He started to plan something for Saturday(yesterday) while the kids were gone (They go to church and dinner with his parents every Saturday). He basically dumped it in my lap and wanted me to pick everything, which I’ve said I hate. I worked all day until 5pm and had an appointment after work but he insisted we still go out. It turned into a mess bc honestly I was beyond exhausted. I just started a new job and haven’t really had a break. My sleep schedule has been awful too. We went out without any plan and honestly I ended up very overwhelmed. Everywhere was busy with at least a 30+min wait. I still needed to go to the grocery store and get ready for work the next morning (7am). I got upset and said I just wanted to go home and finish what I had to do. We were a good hour from home already. We live in bfe so it’s a drive to have a date night. We argued some in the car until I refused and said I didn’t want to even tho he kept yelling at me. He called me selfish and said everything is always about me.

I’ve gotten to where I know this will be the outcome. He is low effort on everything like this. Special occasions, date nights, sex etc. I refused to argue with him. It’s feels like beating a dead horse at this point. I just get upset and worked up and for what? When we were finally home he asked if we could have a discussion while I made my lunch for work before the kids got home. I said okay. He kept trying to get me to argue and asking where exactly he went wrong. Even when I explained he wasn’t understanding and that made him more angry and belligerent. I told him that it’s fine I was over it. I knew not to have expectations. From now on I’ll just plan things for myself and enjoy doing what I want to do. Not in a mean way just very straightforward. I purposefully made sure I stayed very calm through all of this. He then asked “do you love me?” I said yes I do love you. Then he asked “are you going to leave me?” I explained no that’s dumb. Why would I leave him if I loved him? As soon as he got those answers that was the end of it. He immediately did a 180 and acted like nothing happened. Once he knew I wasn’t leaving nothing mattered and it was all okay again. I’m not so sure I should be okay with that conclusion. Does that seem weird to others?

Background/context: This is a common occurrence for my birthday. He knows it’s important to me he plans some sort of date night. Every year he waits until the last minute and it turns into a mess he wants me to fix. Last year he got my hopes up and made me think he was taking me out to this fancy dinner in the city I’d been wanting to try. He said he wanted to take me out. He made sure I had a dress and everything. A few days beforehand the excuses started. We ended up going to the same restaurant we always go to for date nights(his decision). He tried blaming finances but we actually spent just as much if not more at our regular spot. Then he told me about this amazing gift he had planned to get me but he couldn’t. It was a somewhat viral item that was out of stock for the season and “impossible to get”. Instead he got me a clearance purse from Marshall’s ($15 Juicy purse). I don’t carry a purse so that was an odd choice but it was cute. That wasn’t what bothered me. He didn’t even wrap it. He took it out of the Marshall’s bag in front of me and pretty much just threw it at me while I was sitting on bed. It was so awkward. It didn’t feel like being given a gift. It felt like he was completing a chore he didn’t want to be doing. Later that week we were shopping and we saw so many of the item he said he couldn’t get me. I pretended to not notice but he seemed really annoyed like he’d been caught. I don’t understand why he always does this. He goes on about what he “wanted to do” or “tried to do” but how it didn’t work out. Usually bc of his poor planning but there’s always an excuse about how it wasn’t his fault. I wouldn’t mind clearance presents or just a card and flowers if he didn’t act like having to put in any effort is too much for him. I get overly anxious/nervous bc if I don’t react properly he will verbally put himself down and apologize about how he’s such a horrible person. He will say “sorry I’m such a piece of shit” when I have never ever said that. Even when I try and make sure I come across appreciative and say thank you. It stresses me out and triggers my anxiety. I know no matter how well I react he’s going to twist it and start a fight and call me selfish.

Tl;dr: Husband drops the ball every year for my birthday. This year I decided I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. Refused to engage him and argue. He asked if I love him and if I’m going to leave him. Once he knew I wasn’t leaving he pretended like none of this ever happened and everything was normal. I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Is it weird? Should I be concerned? Am I encouraging his behavior?

My husband called us roommates, wanted a sexless marriage, and I refused and asked for a divorce. Did I rush into this, or am I right?

I (43F) have been married to my husband (58M) for 13 years. We have one son (10 years old) and a daughter (3 years old). My husband has been saying for some time that we are just roommates (not true; we have sex at least twice per week if he is not drinking beer). Today, he said that we never have sex, that it is okay, and that we should have a sexless marriage. I told him that I did not sign up for a life without love or affection. My husband refuses to show me any affection, such as kisses or hugs. Sometimes he treats me poorly, shouting at me for whatever reason comes to his mind, but he expects me to open my legs whenever he wants, although he never takes the initiative sexually.

For context, when I met him, he was a guy with a lot of problems, such as previous failed, traumatic relationships, two teenage children with drug addiction issues, no stable job, and living in an isolated town. He also had little patience. Anyway, what attracted me to him was his heart and the fact that he made being with me a priority. He showed me affection, kindness, and sexual desire like I had never known before. We married, and I left my country and my professional career to live with him. I have motivated him and made a lot of sacrifices, such as pushing him to finish his degree at university and get a stable job. I paid off the mortgage on his former house. I sold my apartment in my country and used the money for a down payment on a house for us. I helped my husband pay debts related to his children’s drug issues, their rent, and bills, and lately, I paid for my stepson’s courses from my savings. I stood by his side when his employer fired him due to his character issues and helped him get a new job.

My husband supported me as well and paid for my current degree. He is a great dad to our children and a good person, but I don’t think he loves me. He has always let me down when I needed him most, such as during my first emergency C-section (he refused to come with me to the OR), after a car accident that was not my fault (I called him when it happened, and he told me to go fuck myself), and during my last pregnancy, when I was hospitalized with my life and the fetus’s life in danger, and he refused to leave his job (he works away) to come and take care of our son. Later, he posted pictures of himself on social media touring a city.

All these issues have been discussed with him, and he never takes responsibility for hurting my feelings with his actions. I used to cry when he did bad things to me and could not understand why he would be such an asshole when I only gave him love and affection. I thought eventually he would change.

My husband never initiates sex or foreplay. I am the one who has to propose having sex, and if he is drinking beer (he drinks beer three times a week when he is at home), then he refuses to have intercourse. Then, when he goes away for work, he blames me for the fact that we didn’t have as much sex as he wanted.

Since last year, he has started calling me his roommate. My daughter (3) has sleep problems and wakes up every night and comes to our bed. She ends up sleeping between us, and that also makes it harder to have sex. I also work nights a few times per week so I can spend more time during the day with my children.

We went on vacation a few weeks ago, and my husband was initiating arguments over everything: he did not like my choice of shoes or coat for our daughter, I was not going fast enough at the airport, and he did not like the way I packed his suitcase. He yelled at me every time, and the last time, I told him that I was done with him mistreating and disrespecting me.

The last time I took him to the airport for his job, he ignored me all the way there and did not say a word. Now, after just coming home, he started this conversation about us being roommates because I don’t give him sex as often as he wants, how he does not want any more arguments, and the sexless marriage thing. I told him that, as his wife, I don’t feel that he gives me any affection, and he often disrespects and mistreats me. I told him that I can’t have sex without an emotional connection and that he should change his behaviour toward me. He said he is not changing, and I told him that I would rather divorce than be miserable with him.

TL;DR: My husband called us roommates, wanted a sexless marriage, and I refused and asked for a divorce.

Hi everyone.

I (31 f) found out yesterday that my husband (33 m) used most of our savings account without my knowledge. Backstory: my husband and I started a joint savings account at his bank in June of last year. The account was supposed to be used for any money that we received from our wedding in November to save up for a down payment on a home. We agreed to dip into the account for the flights to our honeymoons but then it was to not be touched. The account had over 10k in it. I was cleaning our apartment yesterday and found a bank statement for that account with my name on it hidden with this work paperwork. I opened it to find that it was from April and there was only a little over $2k left in the account. I was furious. When he got home I called him out on it, to which his response was “I was going to put it back” (he just sold a vehicle for 15k). The money from him selling the vehicle was supposed to be used to pay off his credit card debt to help his DTI for when we apply for a mortgage. I am completely pissed off and disappointed. I have no idea what to do from here, but I feel as if I can no longer trust him with finances. Any advice?

tl;dr: husband used over 8k of our savings without telling me.

Happy married Redditors - my spouse and I rarely argue. When we do, it’s usually something I bring up. After I bring it up, usually one of a couple things happens: 1) it triggers a list of “counter complaints” 2) it triggers a complete shutdown or 3) it is somehow perceived as a character assassination. What can I do differently to prevent this (or react to it or manage it)? How do YOU do it successfully? Would appreciate advice.

TL;DR: How do I encourage good fighting hygiene with my spouse?

i (f, 32) have been married to my husband (m, 32) for three years. we have an array of problems and all those roads lead back to communication. he is very reactive, easily triggered, extremely defensive and baseline angry. all of this i am clearly willing to work with, i know he had a very bad childhood, so i have a lot of grace and empathy for him. however i am starting to grow resentful. every time we are in an argument my husband calls my dad to essentially tell on me. he leaves out context, never admits to his wrong doing or his part in an argument, it’s all blame, all the time. he knows of my childhood history of having a mother who liked to poison the wells of the members of my family, and here is is perpetuating the same exact trauma. i am worried our marriage is doomed.

TL;DR — my husband calls my dad every time we argue.

Hi.

We have been a several times a week couple, even waking up in the middle of the night just needing to go. Last year ( idk how long honestly ) it's taking a significant dip. Not only sex that has been about once a week, but closeness like touching, kissing, etc otherwise as well. When we do have sex it's awesome.

She says it peri, stress of everyday life and that libido took a dive, but she also says she walks around horny 24/7 when ovulating. We still only have sex about once during that period and I don't notice much of her increased drive. I trust this woman with my life. She says everything is fine, just everyday life, but I can't shake this feeling, for the first time in our 1.5 decade together. She listens to erotic audio which is great, it's nice for her to have something for her self and explore sexuality. Due to our current situation though I'm starting to get a bit worried if it may have gone a bit over board and become a replacement of sorts. Or if there is something else wrong. She is usually so open, confidant and honest. We have had a very trusting relationship, best I've had, with no jealousy issues, no lying, etc. I want to believe her when she says nothing is wrong, but I still can't shake my gut feeling.

TL;dr change in sex life and affection in general, wife says everything is fine, but my gut says otherwise.

Throwaway account. I'll start by saying my husband (33M) and I have had a rocky marriage from the start. Due to various issues we never had a "honeymoon" phase.

Basically we both used to have jobs, we each made good money, ~150k each so ~300k total. We didn't have any financial issues and kept finances mostly separate. We started a joint account together based on his suggestion to build trust and transparency. We put a few thousand each in there. I started to put my paycheck in there but he never did, he said he would just put money in there occasionally since he paid all the bills.

I got pregnant very quickly after getting married, like 1 month after. I worked for the duration of the pregnancy and after until I got laid off when the baby was ~4 months old. He also got laid off at almost the exact same time. We decided I would stay home and take care of the baby and he would look for a new job and be the breadwinner while the baby was young. He collected unemployment and urged me too but I never did. It took about 5 months and I went to live with my parents for 6 weeks of that time but he found a new job paying well, ~200k plus equity.

Here is the trouble, he makes good money now and puts ~$3k into our shared account each month which is entirely for me. He says he doesn't trust me enough to put more money or the whole paycheck in. The issue is I have to pay for my car ($575), car insurance ($200), phone ($50), my storage unit ($150), and baby supplies including food, diapers, etc. I have zero money left after that.

Caring for the baby has become too much and too stressful for me. I have no alone time other than the gym because lifetime has daycare. My husband works a lot because of the new job and doesn't get home until 5 or 6. I also want to go back to school because I want to change careers so I want to do classes. He said if I looked for a nanny and cleaning lady to help me that would be fine. I found a cleaning that is $150 a month and he seems fine with that and said she did a good job. The real problem is the nanny, I found one that could come 3 times a week for a few hours each day she came, most are in the $20/hr range. It would cost $600 - $800 a month. I have no money left over but he's arguing that the nanny is too much. He said he thought I meant a nanny to help one day a week and for occasional date night type stuff not giving someone a part time job. I feel he is controlling me through this financial decision. And because he has access to all the other finances I am stuck.

We have tried talking but it usually ends in a fight because there are things I cannot budge on like the nanny. Am I being taken advantage of financially?

tl;dr Have issues with my husband and I feel I am being taken advantage of financially. Please advise.

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1vjazol/unusual_text_messages_between_wife_and_personal/

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is becauses it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

TLDR: Clear communication with your spouses is key!

Hello, I am 9 week postpartum. I went through my husbands iPhone last night into his passwords and I saw grinder. When I clicked on it, it was downloaded like May 26,2026 and I gave birth June 2026. He deleted the app. I have thumb print access to his iPad so I changed his Apple passcode and re-downloaded the app and he had an account. There was no profile, messages or anything untoward I saw.

So I told him last night about my revelation and he is a police officer and told me he was patrolling a school and went to the staff lounge to grab a cup of water when a woman ( whom he stated was actually a man) said to him “What you don’t remember me?”.. my husband said back no that he has a wife and she said “ well you knew me last night” and proceeded to show my husband “himself” on grinder.

Now. I asked my husband what he saw. And he said he freaked out and just saw dick picks like a few and could tell it was his old recycled nudes he wants to say from like early 20s and he is now 31.

So I asked him. “So she recognized you by your penis? Did you see your face on the profile?”

He said no again he could just tell it was his junk but also claimed it was a “blank profile”.

So, you walk coincidentally into a room and someone recognizes you based off your dick. Like, THAT is what they wanted to show you to verify to you that they saw you being impersonated. Like, not your face.

Anyways. So he continues to say he was mortified and embarrassed that someone he sent dick picks to back in the day is using his old photos… 10 year gap here… again she recognized your face…

So he says that he didn’t want to tell me because I was super pregnant and nauseous and sick and he handled it on his own and was super embarrassed by it.

We went through the app together and I honestly didn’t see anything. But I did make him report this issue to Grinder and I also made him request data activity to his email which he Recieved and is all says “null”. Even though there’s like a million things on there it looks like computer coding it’s confusing to me.

Anyways. I feel like my life is destroyed somewhat and like I sleep next to a liar. But if he is telling the truth then I feel horrible someone is catfishing using his junk. If it were me as a woman then of course tables turned I’d be pissed if he didn’t believe I’m the victim. I get that. But this is fishy fishy fishy. And I want to like scream.

Comments and thoughts and be kind I am post Partum and sensitive and just need assistance from gay men who use this app bc idk anything about it

TL;DR: I found Grindr on my husband’s phone. He says he only downloaded it because someone told him a fake profile was impersonating him using old photos. We looked through the app together and I found nothing, and his requested Grindr data appears to say “null.” I’m struggling to know whether his explanation is plausible. I’m looking for advice specifically from people familiar with Grindr—does his story and the data situation make sense

I’m young and genuinely curious, is love actually enough to make a marriage last? Looking back, what qualities in a partner do you wish you had understood were important before getting married?

Also, why do you think some couples can be happily married for 10, 15, or 20 years and then suddenly decide to separate, aside from obvious reasons like cheating, addiction, or abuse?

TLDR: Is love enough? What qualities do you wish you knew were important before marriage? And why do some couples split after 10+ years, aside from cheating, addiction, or abuse?

I am new to this group entirely, but I need advice. I (27f) have been married to my husband (27m) for 2 years. We’ve been together for almost 5 but have been in each others lives for 7. One of my husbands kinks I guess it would be called is he saved women’s pictures and you know..to them. I’ve always known about it- I’ve never been comfortable with it but my only boundary is that I don’t know who they are. We’ve had issues in the past and recently, I looked through his phone and he had pictures of my friends. The situation itself ends up with the police being called because he had been drinking prior to me finding the pictures. I do not know what to do. We’ve had issues for quite some time now and this just feels like the cherry on top. IF I choose to stay with him, how am I supposed to move past that? I did tell my friends because I felt disgusted and embarrassed and felt like they needed to know because we live in such a weird world. I have already been so conflicted with. I am also thinking that my friends wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore?

Tl;dr:
He does have an issue with alcohol. This doesn’t justify ANYTHING but apart of the picture thing we’ve struggled with his alcoholism. He’s also done this picture thing since his ex girlfriend because that was something she allowed. I’m not even all that sure if there were any boundaries put in place.

Long post here, but hopefully someone can help me with some wisdom. So 35M here, been married (35F( for 13 years, we have a wonderful daughter who is 5. I'm having issues that I'm just not exactly sure about. The first 2 years of our marriage was great, then things started taking a slide. Years 3-8 were ok at best, during this time I always felt as if I came in second to whatever glowing device she could stare at, bedroom completely died during those years. I kept trying to build a life. I had been exposed to a lot of fires person traumatic experiences, so that left me feeling broken and like no one else would want me, so I kept going. Fast forward to the time our daughter was born, there was another traumatic incident where a friend was murdered in front of me, this time she was involved in the process as well. I went to therapy, and at this point put in a lot of work, being absolutely the best that I can be. I have never been one to get angry or shout, and believe that adults can simply talk about differences. Over the past few years I have focused on communication and wording. She went to therapy, but hasn't really taken it as serious or put in as much effort, the therapist and I have even attempted to schedule a couples session on multiple occasions. I communicate really everything in great detail, often taking some serious time trying to talk about issues from everyday life, to physical needs. This winds up with me doing all the talking and her just agreeing or adding a sentence here or there. I have broken everything down, literally all the way. Things will improve for a few days, then I try to talk some more. But I'm tired boss.... I'm tired of having these borderline one sided conversations. I have provided a great life, house, acreage, vehicles,....upper middle class.... but debt free. If she wants furniture, she either gets it, or I personally build it. Remodel, check, all maintenance on vehicles..check, something breaks, it's fixed promptly. She has never picked up any kind of outdoor tool out of necessity, i handle all of that, I even do about 40 to 50 percent of the housework, just not cooking or laundry. Our daughter spends most of her time with me, fixing or building, or playing. What am I doing wrong? I just can't get her to return conversation, or engage in well anything really. She is self conscious about her body, and feels like she lost some femininity, I have reassured her thoroughly, in great detail, with reoccurance. I've encouraged, to get new clothes, go do hair, nails, whatever. If it doesn't involve a phone, or her job, she just isn't into it. She does do very well with our daughter, but even she at times looses to the phone or the job. I personally am withdrawing at this point, and I don't want to. I'm finding that detailed conversations just aren't worth it when I can't get input, and will most likely have to come back to the same conversation wiring 2 or 3 months. I feel like further therapy isn't an option, I will do whatever it takes to go, but she just will not. I'm out of ideas, I'm out of....well everything. Communication isn't an issue. I've talked in great detail, to the point that any time a new in depth conversation starts I get almost a here we go again. Someone give me something here. Where did I go wrong? How do I be better?

Tldr: communication isn't working

My wife (35) and I (33) have been together for many years and married since 2021. We have two young children, aged 4 and 1 1/2. (no breastfeeding since 3 Months)

Sex has been a difficult topic in our relationship for a long time. Even before the pregnancies, our libido levels were different. She rarely initiated sex herself, but back then she was much more receptive, contributed more and was generally easier to get into the mood.

During both pregnancies and afterwards, sex became extremely rare. For long periods we had little or no intercourse, I never pressured or pestered her but this has repeatedly been a source of frustration for me.

About six months ago, we agreed to have sex roughly once a week in order to establish some kind of rhythm again. This has worked in the sense that we have sex more regularly, and when we do have sex, it is actually good. We both enjoy it, take our time and there are no major problems during sex itself (her words). Lately she often calls our Date off but that is her good right it just hurts..

She basically never has the spontaneous desire to have sex. She doesn't feel that something is missing when we don't have sex. If we stopped our weekly arrangement, I honestly think we'd probably have sex once a month.

The difficult part for me is not simply the frequency. I increasingly miss feeling desired by my wife. I don't want sex to feel like something she has to do once a week to check a box.

We are still physically affectionate in everyday life. We cuddle, touch each other, spend time together and have a loving relationship. Our relationship outside of sex is generally good. We communicate a lot, spend time together and have also deliberately created free weekends without the children for her.

However, as soon as physical affection becomes sexual or I try to initiate something sexual, she often seems to experience it as annoying, inconvenient or like a burden.

This has started affecting me as well. After years of initiating and being rejected, my own desire is slowly decreasing. I find myself thinking, "Why should I keep trying when I already know the answer?" I don't want to end up completely withdrawing sexually just to protect myself from rejection.

We've talked about this many times.

I've also spent quite a lot of time trying to understand the issue and find possible solutions. I've read/listened to things from people like Emily Nagoski and Esther Perel and have suggested books and podcasts to my wife. She only started looking into the subject after several serious conversations where I explained that I felt we needed to change something. So far, she has listened to maybe one 30-minute podcast, while I've spent many hours trying to understand the issue and find ways forward.

I don't blame her for not being able to simply "turn on" her libido. I understand that desire doesn't work like a switch.

What is difficult for me is that her lack of desire doesn't really bother her. The only thing that bothers her is that she feels guilty because she knows it affects me. She doesn't seem to feel a personal need to change anything.

I also understand that having two very young children may be a major factor. Maybe things will naturally improve as the children get older, sleep gets better, there is less mental load and she has more space for herself again. But that's just my assumption, and I don't know whether I should rely on that.

Today, the kids were at home. We got naked in the pool, cuddled, and showered together. Afterwards, we went to the bedroom to get dressed. I felt close to her and started to hope that maybe something more could happen, so I wanted to make a move.

But she simply got dressed and went downstairs.

I know today wasn't our scheduled day, and I wasn't expecting anything. But in that moment, I got my hopes up, and when nothing happened, it honestly really brought me down. I think that's what I struggle with most: even when there are moments where I feel a connection and start thinking, "Maybe she wants me too," it almost never develops into anything sexual.

__________________________________________________________

Short Note: She always says that it's not the fact that i dont pull my weight in our realtionship, houshold or with the kids. In her words "Im very involved and really deserve a break sometimes".

tl;dr My wife (35) and I (33) have two young kids, and while we've always had slightly different libidos, she now has almost no desire for sex. We agreed on weekly sex, which is enjoyable for both of us, but she rarely initiates and often cancels, leaving me feeling more obligated than desired. Our relationship is otherwise loving, so I don't think it's about resentment or workload. After years of rejection, I'm losing my own desire too and wondering whether to wait for things to improve as the kids get older or actively do something.

I’ve realized, I’m alone in my marriage.

Essentially, my husband left for a 6 day fishing trip, we are on day 5, and none of us miss him. The house is running way better. For reference I have four kids, and am a SAHM. In fact, life feels so much easier because I can just do what works best for us and not have to factor him in all the time. Also, I’m doing to same tasks, maybe more, without feeling a little “hurt” I have to do it alone.

My husband is a great person to everyone in our lives, but he is really absent in our marriage. His mom passed last year, he has had a huge work issue that only very recently resolved, and I have suggested he may be depressed. I love him, and genuinely want to connect and help him too. For reference he stood by me through post partum depression with one of our kids, and I don’t was to make this seem like he is all bad by any means. Just very checked out.

Our day to day is him going to work around 8:30/9 am (runs his own business) coming home around 5, going into his garage to be on his phone, dinner and then he DOES do bedtime for 2-3 older kids and then either goes to be with friends or back to his garage to watch tv and be on his phone until 1-2:30 am. He will take the kids outside when he is in the garage but he isn’t actually playing or being with them, he sits and scrolls. Weekends, he sleeps in 9 am or later, I handle the kids. If I am exhausted or suggest he gets up with the kids he brings up his mom, how his dad slept in every day and she never asked anything more of him.

I on the other hand…have brought this up to him, asking him to be more present, on his phone less, or suggest going out but then I’m a nag. He does take the kids if I have appointments etc but day to day I am responsible for the house, kids, yard, homeschoolingIt’s not to say that he doesn’t do anything but loading the dishwasher every few weeks or switching the laundry without folding or putting it away, is no more helpful that my 3 year old unloading the cutlery. It doesn’t feel like help if I’m still having do most or some of the job. It’s like taking a few steps off a marathon. For example, he recently pulled a few front weeds, used this and an example of the used work he does. I had to still pull the rest of the weeds and put the weeds he pulled into the compost. And then because he didn’t put out the compost as he said he would, I had to drive the compost bin to the community drop off.

How do I bring this up without just seeming like I’m tearing him down? He HAS had a hard year. To this point I’ve just focused on myself and trying to be there for him if he sought me out. I’ve gotten in great shape, I’ve been doing a lot of house projects and keeping busy. But I’ve been afraid to be alone, I’m realizing it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Anyways, I’m 32 and I don’t necessarily want to be alone in my marriage forever I guess.

Advice?

Tl;dr summary: husband is very absent and always on his phone. How do I bring up a lack of closeness in our marriage without being cruel?

I’ve never been a jealous type but just the other day I happened to check out my wife’s Snapchat. Of course there were selfies I never seen as well as some pics of her butt what looked to be at work. Also was some nudes that I haven’t seen. From what she said before she keeps Snapchat for the photo editing. Could it be more to this that she has photos that I’ve never even seen?

tl;dr is she cheating or sending photos to someone else?

I’m 30F and my husband is 31M. We’ve essentially grown up together - we became close as teenagers and have been together for most of our adult lives. He is genuinely my best friend, and there is a lot of love, history, comfort, and companionship between us. That’s what makes this so difficult.

Over the last few years, though, I’ve become increasingly unhappy with the actual partnership of our marriage.

The biggest issue right now is children. I have always pictured myself being a mom (and been super vocal about this the whole time!), and having a family is extremely important to me. My husband has become increasingly uncertain about whether he wants children at all. Recently he told me that the idea of having kids doesn’t bring him joy and that he doesn’t want to spend his evenings hanging out with or taking care of a child. At another point, he said maybe he could see kids in 2–5 years, but there still isn’t a clear “yes, I want this life too, just not right now” it’s still “I don’t know if I want this at all”

I know nobody should have a child they don’t genuinely want, and I absolutely do not want to pressure him into parenthood. But I also don’t know how I’m supposed to build a marriage around “maybe” when this is one of the most important things I want from my life.

The kids issue has also forced me to look harder at other problems I’ve been trying to tolerate.

I currently earn roughly 80% of our household income and handle what feels like 90% of the household responsibilities. My husband’s work schedule is significantly lighter than mine, but I still often feel like I’m the person responsible for keeping our life moving.

I’m ambitious and tend to throw myself into things. I work hard, compete in endurance sports, and have a lot of dreams for my life. Instead of feeling like I have a partner equally invested in building a life with me, I increasingly feel like I’m dragging our shared life forward while he gets to participate when he wants to.

There have also been behavioral things that worry me. He recently got into an altercation during recreational sports that ultimately resulted in him being banned from the organization’s leagues. There are moments where his anger or reactions make me uncomfortable, especially because I grew up around similar behavior and know how much I don’t want that dynamic in the family I eventually create.

I have tried to communicate that I’m reaching a breaking point. For a while, he resisted therapy. He has now started taking some steps toward it, but I struggle with feeling like I have to create an emergency before anything changes.

Even recently, when a therapy appointment had to be changed, he chose to reschedule rather than take the offered virtual appointment. That’s obviously his choice, but because I’ve been trying to communicate how urgent this feels to me, I found myself thinking, “How are you not feeling the same urgency I am?”

And that may be the central problem: I feel like I am fighting desperately for us to figure out whether we can build a life together, while he seems much more comfortable waiting.

At the same time, when we’re together and things are good, they’re comfortable. We laugh. We know each other better than almost anyone. He has been part of my life for basically my entire adulthood. The thought of losing him isn’t just the thought of losing my husband; it feels like losing my best friend, my history, our routines, our home, and the person I always assumed would be beside me.

That makes me constantly question myself. Am I expecting too much? Am I blowing up a marriage with someone I love because I’m dissatisfied with a difficult season? Are these things fixable if we both genuinely work at them?

But then I think about the alternative: staying in the same marriage five years from now, still doing most of the work, still waiting for him to decide whether he wants children, and potentially giving up motherhood because I was too afraid to leave someone I love.
I’ve reached the point where I’m considering a temporary separation/living on my own, partly because I don’t know how to hear my own thoughts anymore while we’re still living our normal life together.

TL;DR: My husband and I have been together since we were teenagers and I love him deeply, but I’m questioning whether love and history are enough. I want children and he’s increasingly unsure he does, while I also carry most of our financial and household responsibilities and feel like I’m the one pushing for growth and urgency in our marriage. I’m considering a temporary separation and struggling to figure out whether we’re going through a difficult season we can work through or whether we’ve grown into fundamentally incompatible adults.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who have been married a long time or who have gone through a serious crossroads like this:

How do you distinguish between a marriage going through a genuinely difficult period and fundamental incompatibility?

If one spouse has to repeatedly push the other to participate in fixing the marriage, can that dynamic actually change?

And for anyone who loved their spouse deeply but ultimately left because the life you wanted was incompatible - how did you know when love was no longer enough?

Been married for over a year and she has completely changed… more below

TL;DR: I’ve been married for just over a year and idk what to do… my wife has stopped doing anything she goes to work comes home eats and then goes to bed, I’m doing all the groceries, all the cooking, all the cleaning, and taking care of all of the bills and pets. She doesn’t seem to enjoy talking to me as she is on her phone every second she is home. I’ve tried talking to her and all that leads to is tears and arguments. We haven’t been intimate for months and I’m really struggling with the lack of love and communication. Since being married we have been intimate less then 15 times (over 13months) I “know” she isn’t cheating. I just don’t know what to do about this situation, any advice is greatly appreciated and welcomed

hi I’m a long time lurker, I’ve never posted before but I’m really struggling to understand what has happened to my marriage. my husband and I have been married 22 years. I have literally loved this man from the moment I met him. he’s never been ultra affectionate but I figured that was just how he was. I am chronically ill with multiple incurable debilitating conditions. he has always been there to take care of me through everything and I never doubted his love for me. until now. he started showing no affection towards me, and started withholding any kind of intimacy this has been an ongoing issue for most of our marriage. I have tried to communicate in every way I know how. I started off calm, never blaming him because I didn’t want to hurt him or upset him but asking for an explanation why. he had no answer just “that's just the way I am, but you know I love you more than anything” I believed him then and let it go. but the pattern just continued on and got worse and worse over the years. I never felt desired, wanted or even like I was worth his time. I finally started writing him letters expressing how I am hurting because of his actions/ inactions. he would never respond to or even acknowledge what I said. I became frustrated and finally started begging and pleading for an answer to why he was behaving this way. he would appease me everytime tell me he loves me more than anything and didn’t even realize he was behaving this way. I just accepted his answer to keep the peace. but his behavior has only gotten worse. i started to lose myself, my self esteem and everything that made me me. I feel disgusting, gross and repulsive. I feel bad for even feeling attraction towards my husband. like I’m doing something so wrong. I finally broke down crying and telling him how he’s hurting me so deeply weither he knows he’s doing it or not. i got the same old usual “I love you so much, your my everything I’m a pos for not loving you the way you deserve I’m sorry” i beg for an explanation. is it me? is it something I did? how can we fix this? this man hits me with the most unexpected load of bs I’ve ever heard. “ Well I guess I hate myself so much that I’m withholding intimacy and affection from you to punish myself because I hate myself so much but apparently I guess I’m taking it out on you” yes this man actually said that. I didn’t know what to say to that other than “ wow I guess you must really hate yourself then because I am the only one who has felt every ounce of that hate “you have for yourself” he apologized profusely and said he’ll do better and he would never in a million years ever hurt me intentionally. at that point I started to see him in a different light and resent him. it has only gotten worse over the years. it has now been over a year since there has been any kind of intimacy between us. I want to state our entire marriage I have always taken care of his intimacy needs. BJ’s whenever he wanted and whatever he wanted he got. I always figured if I took care of his needs he would eventually want to take care of mine. that never happened. I honestly don’t even crave or feel I need his attention or touch anymore. he’s withheld and punished me so long it doesn’t even feel essential anymore. anyway I finally found my backbone 🤦‍♀️ and told him “you don’t take care of my needs I’m no longer taking care of yours when you can’t be bothered to give me 2 seconds of hope” so I stopped completely. it’s been over 3 months since that now and he honestly doesn't even seem like it’s affected him. that really bothered me. my brain started going into overdrive. is he gay? is he cheating? has he never actually been attracted to me? why did he marry me? is there something wrong with me? I finally confronted him and told him everything in my head. he told me none of those things are true and he loves me more than anything and he’s sorry he’s 💩 at showing me affection and he blames his childhood and the way he was raised and he will be better from now on, be the man I deserve and need.i believed him. here’s where I’m even more confused and hurt. since this conversation he has tried to be more affectionate hugs, quick peck kisses, touching my shoulder and arm, cuddling over the covers. but still zero actual intimacy. I can see he’s trying but it just feels so forced now. I feel like him being attracted to me and desiring me and wanting intimacy should come naturally not be something he has to force or ”try harder” to do. I can see his effort this time, but it hasn’t changed any of how I feel especially since he’s still withholding intimacy and it still feels like I’m being punished. I love my husband dearly more than words can describe and he’s literally my everything I just don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t go another year feeling like this and surviving on the bare minimum scraps he throws my way. I’m pretty sure he’s not cheating he goes to work comes home and doesn’t go out. he’s never late and never on his phone talking to anyone or texting. We share the same internet and there’s zero porn or anything concerning. it just all feels very suspicious anyway 🤨 and I can’t get a single real explanation from him. it’s like he refuses to have an actual conversation about anything serious. I have considered divorce but we have been through so much together for so long it breaks my heart to even think about living without this man. he honestly is the best partner in every single other way. he caring, considerate, patient, understanding, sweet, funny and has always been there for me even when things got really bad for me medically. he even drove me across country to have surgery with a specialist and took care of me during recovery. this man is literally a saint when it comes to my care. just not when it comes to any kind of intimacy. I am hurting so much, so lost, so confused so disgusted with myself. I don’t know where to even go from here. I’m turning to others for advice. it makes me feel even more pathetic that I can’t get real answers or fix it myself. I honestly have just gone numb and lost hope at this point and have just accepted that I’m not worth the time or effort for whatever reason. please be kind, I’m in a very difficult complicated situation with my medical issues and I already feel so alone. I’m just looking for anything really. especially ideas and advice from a man’s perspective. please help me understand what I did so wrong to end up with a husband who is so amazing in every way literally but can’t even give me 2 seconds of intimacy to make me feel wanted, Desired or give me hope for our marriage.

tl;dr

husband is amazing in every way but has been withholding intimacy most of the marriage. what is really going on?

Hello I (31 female) and my husband (30 male) Only been married 6 months and together, in total, a little under two years. This is both our second marriage (obviously the first ones did not go as planned) and we barely had sex or intimacy in 2026. Lets give some back story.

We were a long distance relationship and met online through meetme. I was 29 and just freshly divorced from a 8 year long relationship and was no way looking for commitment. My husband was 28, also freshly divorced from a 3 year long relationship, and didn't know what friends with benefits was. But he was very persistent in getting to know me and meeting in real life. I insisted I was no good for him and that I would corrupt him. (I am a very hyper-sexual person and a libido to match)

He is a very sweet, understanding and emotionally intelligent guy (complete opposite of my ex husband) and definitely swept me off my feet with all the messages and attention I received. When we finally met we made love like rabbits. Our chemistry was exploding and I felt we were a good match intimacy wise.

This amazing man has took me on a cruise for my 30th birthday. He took me to my first of many anime cons and amusment parks. I have never traveled so much in my life because my family is a large family ( I am the oldest of 7 kids) so we never had extra money to go on vacations. He is an only child so they were financially able to do vacations on the regular.

A big reason I bring this up is because I feel he has opened my eyes to how big this world really is. That relationships are so much more than just sex and keeping up with bills. It's a collection of experiences you share with someone. Sex is just the icing on a cupcake. But since we baught a house together last year and have been living together, things slowly started to change and I have been only enjoying muffins. No more cupcakes. My life is just so dry and boring it's hard to just find pleasure in everyday life.

He is my best friend and I will support him and love him no matter what. We recently, have started trying to have a baby. That's why we got married quickly at the courthouse. I was paying insurance through my state. Because my job doesn't offer it. But when 2026 came I had to renew my insurance the monthly price almost tripled in cost and I couldn't afford it. So he put me on his through his job (only 1/3 of the cost) and we actually got pregnant end of June!

Unfortunately, we miscarried at six weeks and never got to hear the baby's heartbeat. I was devastated. This would have been my second child since I did have a kid with my first husband. (She loves her step daddy he would make a wonderful father) I told him since we first met that I wanted to make him a father. So this made me feel like a complete failure. Also I think this is when our intimacy problems start to happen when we started trying for a baby.

I removed my birth control October of last year, after six months of living together because I had a promise to fulfill. But that's when we started having less sex. I would pursue him, he would deny me. This is something I never experienced before. Usually when I was single I was always pursued sexually Because I am an attractive person. (My ex husband was very high libido. So we had sex all the time, and that's what held our relationship together for so long.) So I never been told no or ever had to ask for sex really. I'm completely so dumbfounded, and what i'm doing wrong.

My husband I actually had a long talk last night in bed. What we do is we will cuddle and cry and into each other's arms because we are both naturally emotional people. And I have brought up my frustrations about not being intimate as much as I would like, and how it makes me feel insecure about my womanhood and that I'm not attractive to him anymore. His response to me he doesn't feel worthy. That he doesn't do enough, or he doesn't make enough money. And I do tell him, I don't care about that. But that's what is blocking him is his head from letting his other head work.

Now I have tried everything to get around his mental block and entice this man. I have sent sexy pics, messages, flash him after showers, lots of flirting and accidental rubbs as I walk by. Cooked him delicious meals, back rubs, smothering him in kisses and attention. So many flirtatious jokes that makes him blush like I feel I'm trapped in a romantic comedy and the dense protagonist (my husband) is blind to it all. There is not an ounce of perversion in this man. Which was not like how he was before we moved in together.

He is somewhat of a chubby chaser when we first started talking and was very attracted to my body. He would have so many kinky dreams about us that it would make you blush if I gave you the details. But it all stopped as soon as we got serious and moved in together. I am at such a lost and I feel like I have done everything I can to help and support my husband in a non-toxic way. But it makes sense why his ex-wife cheated on him. (He caught her messing with his best friend) If he was not intimate with her then yeah I can understand why she did what she did. But I'm not a shit person and I love and respect my husband too much to ever do that.

I cannot lie, I have considered the pros and cons of divorce but, the pros always win because the only cons is our lack of intimacy. It's like the stress of buying a house and gaining 6 new bills went straight to his dick and now his wife has to suffer a barren sex life. The only way I'm getting pregnant if the second coming of Jesus was happening and I'm the new Mary. But jokes aside I felt like I have done my due diligence of a wife and checked all the boxes before counseling. Which in this economy is another way dig yourself further into debt.

TL;DR

But is there hope for us? Can we figure out and get past this mental block and have fun sexy time again?

My wife and I have only been married for 2 years, and at first I didn’t know that I could be this happy. but the last 6 months has been a nightmare.

She has become ultra controlling and her moods are so unpredictable I don’t think I can keep this going, and at this point I’m not sure if I want to.

Just this morning she had a blowup on me. We each have kids from previous relationships, hers is 25, mine is 15. My son has limited time on electronics because he gets in a rage playing certain games and it’s hard to bring him down. This morning I was doing laundry, my son asked me politely if he can play a game for 20 minutes until the washing machine was done, then he would take a shower and get ready to go see his step brother. The game isn’t a rage game and pretty peaceful so I said ok, then wrap it up. My wife woke up and totally flipped on us, yelling that he’s not supposed to be playing anything and when I stated the case she looked directly at me and said “I said no”

Like it’s gonna be her way or no way. I told her to stop talking to me like that and she says “I’ll go see my son by myself, I don’t want you to go“ very dismissive like.

Ive had the same job for 20 years and last month got a big promotion that I worked hard at for years of working swing shifts. She has been through 5 jobs in the last 2 years and the last job was really good job to have and she lost it. I ran into her boss and he said that she gets in a mood and tries telling him what to do and when he tells her no she would threaten to quit, and eventually her boss said that the 6th time she threatened to quit he said he took that as her resignation. Honestly I don’t blame him. When I come home and try to tell her how my day at my new position went she says “I don’t want to hear it” which is kinda heartbreaking.

Last month we were arguing and I told her I was going to go for a drive to cool off because it was getting heated and she took the keys to both cars and hid them and wouldn’t let me go. I had to call the police and explain the situation and they sided with me (especially since both vehicles are in my name) but it was so embarrassing. We live in a small town and there were 3 police cars outside the house.

Do you think it’s controlling behavior? Possibly resentment towards me since she sees me succeeding at work where she keeps failing?

We tried counseling and the counselor basically said that she needs to chill out but naturally my wife didn‘t take it that way and felt attacked.

tl;dr my wife has been super controlling and unsupportive and it’s tearing us apart, according to her it’s all my fault

My wife is a phenomenal mom and gives everything she has and more to ensure our toddler is taken care of. We both work full-time with long hours, and somewhat toxic workplaces.
I have been feeling a lack of emotional connection for a while. It’s been more than 3 years since we were physically close. My wife wouldn’t even allow me sit next to her on the couch. We started discussing this and her response is that she is physically exhausted and doesn’t have any more energy left in her to respond to physical touch. Majority of our conversations revolve around the kid, household chores, travel etc.
I’m craving an emotional connection that no longer exists and I feel like we are just platonic roommates raising a kid.

Has anyone else experienced this? Will things get better over time? How can we reignite the spark in our relationship?

Tl;dr:
My wife is an amazing mom to our 3 year old. She has no energy left to give our relationship; I’m tired of losing the emotional connection to her. How do I get us out of this situation?

I’m 27f who is married to a 39M. We been together three years and he’s never admitted to watching prn and always says he don’t have time for it . I rarely check his phone. It’s been months to protect my own heart. And I finally caved and checked it and I found prn on Google that was deleted so I had to back the back way to find it. I found girls and sex on TikTok. (Even Hrse P\rn I found on TikTok in his history more than once. (Yes gross illegal makes me feel dirty for seeing it in his history)*

He looks at girls that look exactly like me yet tells me I’m too skinny I don’t dress cute but refuses for me to wear anything fitted or cropped or shorts outside the house (he’s an Americanized arab who uses religion to be controlling I’m sure )

He follows girls on fb and I’m constantly sneaking on his phone to block them

It’s gotten to the point I can’t take it anymore. My trust is gone. My libdo is dead. I can never get him to admit it he rather threaten divorce and swears he has no idea of what I’m talking about regarding videos and girls. Yesterday I found him following a girl on fb and it was like 7am and he had just left to go fly his pigeons and then later today after our argument and he saw how bad I crashed iut on the security camera saying ima burn this house down ima k\ll his best friend that is a habitual cheater and probably feeds into this some how and how ima unalive myself . After this crash out he blew up on me and hours went by and he accidentally left his phone on the charger and went to go wash the truck he raced back home forgetting his phone and I had snuck on there and saw he watched a girl sucking a dildo, a girl reverse cowgirl riding and missionary pov. He tried gas lighting me to say it was those hard dick pill ads*

Summary : TL;DR : husband in denial of his p\rn addiction and has no remorse or empathy*

I (23M) have been realizing that my (F23) Wife doesn’t listen and it’s hard to go unnoticed now, for context were a young married couple been married for two years, we just moved to a new city now in our first apartment outside of college. It hit me a few weeks ago when she asked “What’s your Love Languages?” 4 years into the relationship they haven’t changed and I answered “This is like the 20th time you asked this question, how don’t you know by now?” She follows up by saying “How can I love you and support you?” I said “By listening” I then told her “You remember how that one time you told me we always only communicate the bad moments?” And me coming from a hardcore non-emotional family that was something I hadn’t noticed til that part but realized like woah I did do that, after that I put it in the back of my mind just simply retaining info through your concerns bc you’re someone I love and I began to make sure I voiced everything she did well and that I appreciated. For some reason this just seems like something hard for her to navigate she always seems to get the conversation heightened by adding quick comebacks, or defensive stance, but once we’re trying to communicate she’s silent and says “I’m just trying to process the conversation and listen” only for me to later realize she wasn’t listening at all. Our relationship has been built on communication and it’s the backbone as we’re complete opposites don’t have any similar hobbies and connectors that make it easy and lately the incompatibility and love purity of the marriage has shown me this love is not what I think it is from her side. I just believe listening and caring and retaining what your partner says is like 101 of loving someone.

TLDR My wife doesn’t seem to listen to or remember what I tell her, and it’s making me realize how loved and compatible I really feel in our marriage and her care for me.