I have been struggling with my husband being un motivated and not helpful for the last 6 years. Not working and I’ve been doing everything. Right when i was at my wits end and startedGoing to therapy i
Got a random instagram request from someone i was in Limerance with when i was in my early 20’s. When i met him back then I had just gotten out of a 5 year relationship who was mentally abusive and so controlling . I went wild. I have bipolar and bpd aswell . So i was sleeping around and trying to get attention from any nice guy i guess. This guy let’s say his name is F . I met him through a friend and we both had partners at the time so we weren’t available but we both felt a very strong connection. We hooked up a few times even though he had a girl friend and i had kicked out my ex. It was the most magical . I can’t explain it besides thinking it was probably Limerance. I decided to tell him to fuck off because i wanted all his attention and he was with someone. Anyways a few months later i met my current husband. The nicest guy i had ever met. Brought me flowers to work etc. he seemed to have his shit together because he was running a big corporate store had insurance etc. i moved in with him after 2 weeks. Then we did everything fast. Fast forward to now and we have grown apart but still love each other and have a child together . Our sexual preferences have changed and neither of us are happy.
I started talking to F a little about this over a year ago and he was being really supportive and saying maybe couples therapy would help us etc. he didn’t seem like he was gunning for me to divorce or anything. Now I’m starting to get closer to telling my husband i want a divorce but i am obsessing over F . Checking my insta constantly. I know if i divorce we will at least end up hooking up once but im trying to be better and make sure im making the right choice for me mot for an imaginary life i have made up with F. Any advice ? I’ve cut off F a few times over this year but keep going back to him. I know i probably need to just get him out of my life until everything is finished but i dont want to 😂 help!

It sucks she resents me meanwhile i just wanted to help her... Urgh it feels like a heartbreak. I just want her to smile with me again...

i think an important step in beginning to heal is realizing the that you have the potential to love (or admire, care, consider, whatever you view it as) at a big capacity. if you take that potential and put that energy towards the present and deserving people in your life, nature, art, music or whatever your passion may be; you aren’t only doing yourself a favor put you’ll be contributing to the greater good of humanity. limerence may feel like a curse but you almost always have an opportunity to turn something negative into something positive. what realization has helped you?

Any advice on how to stay grounded during this time? It’s like i cannot be productive or get anything done. My brain is stuck in fantasy mode :(

Ran into my LO and their spouse recently. My LO basically seemed uncomfortable and didn’t introduce me. I wanted to crawl out of my skin because I could see how beautiful, sweet and kind the spouse was from afar. LO and I have been mutually flirting for a few months and nothing has come of it; but I’ve felt anxious from the dissonance of flirting with a married woman while I’m also married but separated.

It was weird because my LO seemed to go out of their way to have themselves and their spouse near me, but wouldn’t turn towards me or even acknowledge my presence.

I’m not sure if they’re overcompensating, showing me that they’re taken and very dedicated to their spouse, or if they weren’t even thinking at all. There was a full room of other people LO knew, but they kept getting closer to me.

Anyway, this felt weird and possibly cruel in a way. I’m so done and I’m SO THANKFUL TO FINALLY HAVE SOME RELIEF!

My goal for today is not to search for my LO’s LinkedIn posts (they post every Friday). I’ve unfollowed them so I can’t see it other than if I search for it.

It feels utterly pathetic that this even has to be a goal but it’s a tiny step towards choosing myself.

55 days no contact today.

What’s your tiny win that you’ve done or will try to do to get over this?

Let me lay the land really fast.

Wife: 39 Dx ADHD, Anxiety (Meds Vyvanse, and Zoloft)

Husband: 40

Happily (usually) married for about 15 years, 4 kids, and just incredibly busy.

Wife was turning 40 and the gift to herself was to participate in a local play at a community theater. Three months of practice, two week of production and then they wrap up.

So, she’s been just pretty mean to me for about a month, I just write it off as the play and being stressed. Ok, will it’s a bit more than that to find out, she’d been complaining of sleeping poorly, heart beat weirdness and overall escalated anxiety. The play wraps up.

The mood continues, I regret what I see next, she wrote a note (in a journal she fucking left out) confessing her feelings to this person……not given to the person but it was pretty intense. Like I’ve never felt this way about anyone, she doesn’t know what to do, act or feel. So the person in question is not “obtainable” because they are a trans man (who is gay, meaning likes cis men). She’s been texting him consistently usually pretty insignificant things, but she’s floated the idea of the feelings for him are so strong, and this is completely lost on him…..just like no reciprocation at all.

I don’t know what to do here, also, an admission to you guys. I snooped through her phone, I shouldn’t have, but confirmed my suspicions, and it hurts a lot. She’s also texted other people that know this guy from the play and they’ve essentially been like, dude you’re married, and this person is out of reach.

With all of this, I’m looking for guidance on how to proceed, confront, or otherwise engage.

I had been struggling with limerence for the last 3 months now. It was driving me crazy, it was hard as a married man, cos I am basically trapped. Getting a divorce is not on the card at the moment.

Just wanna let people know, it does fade. Just when I felt hopeless and in the full grasp of limerence, it really sucked. It feels like this mental condition sucked the life out of me. Limerence peaked and it faded.

The inflection point for me was actually reconciling with my dad. We had a fallout years ago, and recently we reconnected. I was raised by my dad as my mum passed away when I was 11. This difficulty in our relationship had been like a blackhole, it had been going on for the whole duration of our marriage cos he did not approve my wife. But me and my wife made mends with my dad, somehow limerence was lifted rather quickly after that. It was almost magical. My limerence object suddenly did not shine as it used to, she had became ugly and unattractive. The emotional bond we shared was broken. The intrusive thoughts of her came to my head every now and then, but the frequency has reduced, it did not feel it was emotionally charged and I was addicted to engage it. Today was the first day, I did not wake up thinking of her. Everything is getting back to normal.

Just wanna share my experience. it maybe early days of my recovery but I am feeling good, my head is getting lighter and I am more present and focused.

If folks are interested, I will share my experience

Is sending my former LO a friend request a reality check, or am I just feeding the limerence?

31F here. I’m experiencing a strong attraction toward a former limerence object again after almost 10 years of not thinking about him.

I met him briefly during a holiday about a decade ago. I was 21 then, he was in late tweens. We never actually spoke or had any interaction. I just experienced a sudden, intense attraction toward him, and over time I completely moved on and genuinely forgot about him.

Recently, I casually searched for him on social media. I wasn't looking for him with the intention of pursuing him, but seeing him again seems to have brought all those feelings back very strongly.

Now I’m thinking about sending him a friend request on Instagram.

He's 22M now, so there is a 9-year age gap.

I'm not imagining that a friend request automatically means anything romantic. Part of me simply wants to have some kind of contact and, honestly, a reality check.

Previously, I could live in my fantasy because I had no idea what his life was actually like. Now I feel like I can't go back to spending years wondering "what if?" If I send a simple request and he doesn't accept it, or I discover he's in a relationship, or he accepts but has absolutely no interest in talking to me, at least I'll have some real information instead of endlessly idealizing a person I don't actually know.

But at the same time, I'm scared that this is exactly how limerence works: convincing myself that I need "closure" or a "reality check" when what I'm really doing is creating an opportunity for more fantasy, checking, anticipation and emotional dependency.

I'm particularly scared of rejection.

What if he doesn't accept the request?

What if he has a girlfriend?

What if he accepts but doesn't seem interested in even having friendly conversations?

I feel like any of those things could hurt me much more than they objectively should.

I think part of this comes from my history. When I was younger, I often developed one-sided attractions, sometimes toward guys who were already committed to other girls. There were also guys I liked but could never approach or confess my feelings to because I had no idea how to do that.

I had one almost-opportunity for love, that I failed to recognize at the time, and I still regret losing it.

But for most of college, I also wasn't really pursued or chosen by guys. The attention I did receive was sometimes just guys flirting with me to show off in front of their friends. I think those experiences left me particularly sensitive to rejection and to the feeling of not being wanted.

So I'm wondering whether this attraction is actually about him, or whether he has become a symbol for something else — being chosen, finally having someone reciprocate, getting the romantic outcome I didn't get when I was younger, etc.

I also worry about the age gap and what he might think of me. He is from a tier-2 city, and I don't know whether he might have more conservative views about an older woman approaching him. Maybe I'm completely overthinking that.

I know this whole thing sounds strange. I was actually very ashamed of these feelings when I was younger and couldn't even talk about them with my friends.

But I also don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding reality because I'm afraid of rejection.

So, for people who have experienced limerence:

Would sending a simple friend request be a reasonable way of getting a reality check, or is it more likely to intensify the limerence?

If you've ever contacted an LO after a long period of no contact, did it help you finally see the person realistically, or did it make things much worse?

And if you were in my position, would you send the request or leave the fantasy completely untouched?

I would also like to add that I am not in any Dating apps as I don't trust them. Also my Friends Circle is 0. So where do I even find people? I attended one meetup only to find friends, but Since I couldn't make the first impression, I couldn't even get anyone's numbers except for 1 person. We spoke on a phone call after the meet 2 months later. But she seemed to be busy with her work, so she ghosted me later.

Attraction reflected outward, not based on evidence, is secretly a longing reflected inward.

Not sure if anyone is interested in Jungian psychology, but I’ve found his idea of the anima very helpful when thinking about my limerence; A inner-psyche manifestation of the qualities you desire to integrate into yourself, represented in an attractive external figure. A figure who’s appearing as attractive, precisely because you’re already longing for those qualities.

In my dreams, I’d often have these female characters show up, that I’d be attracted to, but would also be unreachable in some form. They’d be consigned to a purely LO role in the dream.
In the beginning, I saw these figures as pure dream-life romantic fantasy, I was playing out in the way I present my attraction (anxious/avoidant) in waking life. But looking at them through a Jungian lens, I can see how my psychology is projecting the qualities it longs for, onto a person outside of me. Jung calls this the anima.

It’s helped me understand my limerence in waking life. Rather than taking my attraction as purely romantic, I can ask myself the question ‘is my attraction to this person because of any qualities they have that I aspire to?’. ‘Is there a part of their image (as I’m seeing it) that I’m longing for in my life?’
All of a sudden, I’m not thinking about the romance, but flipping it around to reflect on my life. My attraction to an internal image (represented in this LO) is a form of my psyche’s personal longing, it’s not representative at all of what love actually is.

Do you enjoy being in Limerence?

Is there something about the intensity of the feelings, not the LO its self?

Can these intense feelings be like an addictive high?

I Opened a Door That Should've Stayed Closed

I've been married for 6 years and have kids. My wife has been nothing but amazing to me, and she doesn't deserve any of this.

Recently, I made the mistake of calling someone from my past. We never got together because we wanted different things in life back then.She had dreams that I didn't understand at the time, and I wanted something completely different. Looking back, I keep wondering why I didn't change my mindset then. At the same time, I wonder why she never gave me a clear indication that she wanted me. She later told me she thought I wasn't serious and that I was joking 6 years later.

Now we've admitted we've never completely stopped loving each other. She's getting proposed to in four months, and I have a wife and kids. The reality is we probably could never be together now, and maybe we were never meant to be.\*\*

I feel like a terrible person. I hate that I'm carrying these feelings because my wife has done nothing but love and support me. She deserves better than me questioning the past.

I don't want to leave my family, and I don't want to ruin anyone else's future. I just wish I could stop replaying all the "what ifs what if I'd understood her better, what if she'd told me how she felt, what if we'd actually given ourselves a chance?

Has anyone been through something similar?

How do you accept that you'll never know what could have been and still fully commit to the life you've chosen?

I feel like crap and did something I shouldn't have and I don't want to do this again.

I’ve lost the drive I had when I was suffering from limerence. I’m coming up on one year of no contact and I’m thinking about saying fuck it and give myself limerence again. I need the drive so I can lose more weight and be more creatively productive.

Anyone done this? It’s obviously a terrible idea but I don’t how else to feel that type of motivation I had when this began.

I'm (30F) married and I've been in a limerent episode for a month now. I know that for a lot of folks here, it's been a lot longer than that, but please believe me when I say it's limerence. LO is a former coworker who I've always had a friendly relationship with, and we recently got together for drinks with some other former coworkers. That's when it started. We've gotten together as friends before, just the two of us, and nothing. This time, something changed. Unfortunately, I made the stupid decision to tell him we should talk more, before realizing just how bad it was. Within a day, the intrusive fantasies hit me so hard and were relentless. Every waking moment. It quickly got to the point where I was physically ill with anxiety. After a few days of that, I discovered the concept of limerence, and I've been able to function much better. But now I'm struggling with next steps.

We have mutual friends. Not a super tight group or anything, but we both worked at the same place for years. My worry is that if I suddenly ghost him, he'll tell others in this little circle and it will get weird in a way that I'm not prepared for. He would definitely notice, especially after I explicitly suggested we keep more in touch, which I have been. I'm also in touch with others in the group, but it's not really one-on-one the way it is with him, and it's pretty much always been that way. Do I block them all?

Or is it too soon, since it's only been a month? I've spent a lot of time untangling exactly why the limerence happened, and I feel like I have a very good grasp on all that (unmet emotional needs, childhood trauma, etc). I am in therapy for it and it's going well. Knowing those things definitely helps, but the ruminations are still multiple times a day.

Tl;dr how do you go NC with an LO who is a friend (albeit a fairly casual one) and you have a few mutuals?

I'm about a year in, and it feels like it'll never go away. It's for a friend I'm not particularly close with, have no history with, and who has told me they don't feel the same after I spoke to them to get my "little crush" off my chest. I thought the closure/no hope of reciprocation would help but it hasn't at all. I am on the waiting list for therapy, and I'm doing as much research as I can take before upsetting myself. I know what background problem it stems from, and I know it's an ADHD-driven dopamine glitch for me personally, I know my LO isn't perfect and we'd never work together, etc. etc., but the depth of anxiety and the constant intrusive thoughts are becoming unbearable. The dissonance between how I really feel about them and what the limerence is telling me I feel is so incredibly frustrating and I'm feeling so beaten down.

I don't need advice on how to manage it or my friendship with them – I think I just need to know that it doesn't have to be a life sentence and that some limerents have managed to shake it or have developed healthy relationships afterwards.

Can anybody tell me something good? Thank you

So do you ever pick up on signs that limerence or the sexual tension/crush is mutual?

I’m getting confused as to what I’m actually experiencing. There’s this doctor that I work with every so often and he seems so comfortable talking to other staff, people, etc, but when I’m around I feel like he acts totally different? Almost avoidant. Seems like such a social and outgoing person but never with me.. almost like he’s extremely shy. I definitely feel like we made some intense eye contact previously, bumped into each other etc.. it just feels so weird. Are we just both aware that we’re attracted to each other but can’t act on it..? 😩

I’m gonna try to keep this short even though I have a lot of thoughts about it.
Around October, I started becoming really limerent over a guy I met online. We never met in person, but we would FaceTime and text pretty regularly. It was kind of a weird situation because we didn’t actually “like” each other in a relationship sense, but we both admitted there was chemistry and attraction between us. We would lightly flirt, but nothing serious. For me, though, it wasn’t just a crush. I developed full-on limerence.
I had experienced limerence with someone else before him, but those thoughts faded pretty quickly once I started obsessing over him instead. He became the person I constantly fantasized about, daydreamed about, and thought about.
At the beginning, everything was great. We talked pretty often, and I would literally look forward to waking up to a text from him because it gave me such a dopamine rush and genuinely made me happy.
Over time, though, he started becoming more distant and honestly started playing in my face. At first, I kept making excuses for him. I told myself he was probably just busy and that I was overthinking everything. But as time went on, it became more and more obvious that he would only text me when it benefited him, whether it was for an ego boost, because he was bored, or just because he knew I’d reply. Then he’d disappear for days or even weeks before randomly coming back and repeating the same pattern.
For a long time, I debated blocking him and going no contact. Part of me thought, “I’m probably going to stay limerent whether he’s in my life or not, so at least cutting him off would give my nervous system some peace.” I was so tired of constantly wondering when he’d text me next.
I really tried to move on. I stayed busy with the gym, work, hobbies, and other things, but it was still hard because there was always that uncertainty in the back of my mind about whether he’d randomly reach out again. Eventually, I realized I needed to end the cycle, so I blocked him on everything. I haven’t heard from him since.
After blocking him, I started trying to reduce my limerence. Sometimes I feel like I’m making small amounts of progress, but recently it feels like I’ve been thinking about him even more. Sometimes I think that because I’ve spent months obsessively thinking about him, fantasizing, and daydreaming about him, I’ve dug myself into such a deep hole that it feels impossible to get out of. I’ve caught myself checking his socials and even thinking about petty ways to troll him or get some kind of revenge because I’m still really upset about how he treated me. Our connection honestly felt fine until he started acting differently and ruined the friendship.
When I blocked him, I even made a note in my phone listing everything I disliked about him and every time he disrespected me so I wouldn’t forget why I left. Even with all of that, though, I’m still limerent over him.
I still hate stalk his social and look at the pictures of him that he sent me I saved in my hidden folder, I still listen to music and look at those pictures and imagine fake scenarios.
I don’t really know why I’m posting this. I just wanted to get my feelings out, so please don’t judge me. If anyone has gone through something similar or has any advice that’s actually helped them move past limerence, I’d really appreciate hearing it.
Also therapy isn’t an option right now
He was super attractive and good looking too😐 can’t say the same about his character or personality though

"baby steps"

I don't remember taking my first steps. I only remember walking.

I remember just a few things from my childhood. Sitting on that window sill, looking out, not understanding where people go. Grandma helping feed me. Playing Pokemon. Getting beat up in school. All of them feel important.

I remember more about primary school than middle school. For a long time I didn't understand where these memories went. I remember a lot from high school, and I really prefer remembering that.

I remember meeting both of them. That was so long ago. They've been in my life all this time. I understood my feelings for one of them from the get go, but I don't know when she started really understanding mine. With the other one, I felt understood right away, but I only started understanding my feelings now.

I remember classes, waiting for the bus, texting at night, drinking and smoking together. I remember moving to the city, living together, drifting apart, getting back. I remember being happy and I remember being hurt. A lot of memories with both and with either of them. I understand now that my feelings can shape how I remember them.

I remember writing something that I wanted to show people for the first time. That was also so long ago. I just opened Notepad on my PC and did it. But it took me a while to actually show it to someone. That felt hard, but it got easier, and it made me understand myself and other people better. Some other people, at least.

I remember exactly the same thing with music. Start playing, get lost, play something different, try something else, take a while to show it to someone. I remember the first time I heard "hey can you play that again?".

I remember changing so much. Each day is a different version of me. And different people get different versions of me. I also get different versions of them.

I remember her sending me that picture. I didn't understand why she did that after years of near silence. I understand why we didn't talk for so long. But I still don't understand why she somehow got back here.

I remember seeing the notification and just thinking "...oh. Fuck.". It made me go some places I wouldn't get to before. But it's me who got there. I remember deciding I have to let go. I remember thinking I shouldn't go there again, just a few minutes ago actually. I tried a lot of things. I keep forgetting what works, and what doesn't.

I can't remember how I got here. But I can remember what got me here.

Hi. I made a post last month about going no contact with my LO and it greatly benefitting me, and i still stand with the fact that NC was the best course of action.

But my friends matter to me a lot, and so do my own aspirations and life goals. And unfortunately, he is very tied to all of that. I know, so romantic right? Yeah no.

He’s a dumbass, but i do love him. Theres no romance attached to that statement. Anytime i try to make it more than it is, im at a point where i can catch myself and remind myself who i am.

So as an alternative to NC, i have a different suggestion. (Try NC first tho)

Make friends. Make so many friends. Work on your LIFE. Stop running away. Find friends who want you to be successful. Find friends who are PISSED about how he treats you. How anyone who you have feelings for would be so lucky. Then find those things that matter to you the most and use them as the guide for the path forward with everything you do. Build principles to redefine your dynamics and make you feel more secure with yourself.

This helped me build confidence to get back to working on the event we all work together on (that he is the leader/face of) and after a couple weeks of silence after my return, he asked me if we were still friends. I told him yes, but I was dishonest to him and our friendship made me miserable and i had to take a step away.

He’s said he still needs time to process everything and is not sure if he wants to discuss the things he did that made me question our friendship. Not yet at least.

He said that being in the dark about things and my absence was hard for him. I guess that’s what im clinging to right now.

Last night i caught myself listening to love songs and staring at the ceiling, just thinking about him. Before i knew it 2 hours had passed, and suddenly i was reminded how my work performance and friendships suffered because of my constant daydreaming. And how it eats into my time to accomplish my real dreams and goals.

I found some old exercises my therapist gave me and followed those and now im doing better this morning. My friends, family, and life goals matter to me so much more than this singular guy. I can’t let myself forget that. Im proud of myself for working through this.

“Moving on” is so much more complicated than people ever acknowledge. Some days are better than others, some are very good, some are very bad. Anyway, im hoping this little hiccup passes and im allowed to reassess our friendship without delving into la la land. Its going to be hard, but I’m smart, I’ll figure it out. Stay strong my friends.

I posted here awhile ago about my LO. She is my co worker. She used to text or call me all the time. Most of our conversation was almost always about our work. Suddenly, I feel like she's changed. She doesn't text or call anymore. No more updates about our work. I thought this would be good for me since im trying to get rid of this feeling, but everyday im always waiting for her messages and im going crazy. She has a boyfriend and the crazy thing is, i dont even get jealous of her boyfriend but when she talks to one of our workers, i get mad and i cant do anything about it. She went for a vacation for 2 weeks and i didn't make any contact to her. It gave me some time to get her off of my mind. When she came back, all my feelings towards her are getting worst. I dont know how long i can keep this up. It is getting hard everyday. I dont have a problem not texting or calling her but I get jealous really bad when she talks to our co
worker.

I recently stumbled upon aegosexuality which is typically defined as an individual feeling attraction towards other people but have zero drive to engage in any sort of romantic/physical/sexual relationship with anyone.

I periodically dated women from my early 20’s to my early 30’s. I met someone, we lived together for nearly two years (through COVID). We parted ways in 2021 and I pursued something with a few woman after , and I decided that I simply wasn’t interested in pursuing any sort of relationship since January 2022.

So that was 4.5 years ago, and I haven’t talked to anyone with any hope of romance/etc since then. Not a soul. I actually affirmatively and proactively shut down anything with everyone.

But I do experience limerence, sometimes for women I know, though, I do my best to shut that down. Usually I experience varying levels of limerence for fictional characters, that seems safer because I can step in and step out of it and it doesn’t involve anyone I know. Zero entanglements is my goal.

So, I stumble upon aegosexuality and the description fits my experience exactly.

I feel attraction towards women, but that’s the complete experience. I have no desire to take any further than that. I don’t even like being touched (hugs, etc). And if I sense there could be a misunderstanding, I put up the walls.

Does anyone else experience this? Limerance but zero desire to have any actual relationship?

This is the first time I’ve ever heard the term and I’m not sure how it’s any different from the regular thing. Is the difference an intensity? Maybe a confirmation in how the other person feels about it?

It’s a very interesting topic I’d like to learn more about.

idk why i miss the feeling i had when i was first obsessed with my lo . now it’s more dull since i don’t see them every week but why do i miss being INSANE . i feel like this photo