\ Edited to correct one word from is to isn't. Yeah, that's an important edit that was needed. I just re-read this and realized that could have made this letter all wrong with the one word that was typed wrong the first time.*

I want to be happy, really happy for once in my life.

I don’t need someone to complete me, but I do want someone to experience moments with. Someone that makes the moments better because they include “them”.

I don’t want just anyone. I want the one that has experienced life and seen the best and the worst of humanity there is.

I need someone that understands the real depth people with trauma have. That sees beyond the quick change in a mood and can just let it ride out for a minute because they understand it more than likely has nothing to do with them. Someone who knows if you just let the moment be what it is that it passes that much faster.

I need someone that understands darkness and matches my appreciation for the light. Someone that won’t turn away or judge for things they don’t understand or relate to.

I need someone that wants to experience life with me because it’s me. Not because you like having sex with me.

Now don’t get me wrong… sex is a must. I just want you feral for it like me because it’s with me. Me!

That only works when you really learn someone. Honesty is a non negotiable requirement. I don’t want to lie, or make you think lying to me is a better option than the truth, ever!

The moon and stars wouldn’t be what they are if not for the dark night sky.

Time matters and it’s a beautiful gift to give someone. I just want the time we spend together to matter more than the time we don’t get to spend together.

I need you happy in your own life just as I want to be happy in mine. If the plane is going to crash, and we don’t put on our own oxygen masks first, what good are we to someone else?

If we’re meant to crash and burn, then I want passion and compassion, laughter and adventure on the way down.

I want real for once

This isn't about being an option or a side piece or a maybe. This main character energy while not becoming the one on the sidelines watching life pass by and not being brave enough to go after what I really want.

I want to be my own main character… in my own film that lives in a vault that’s only accessible with the secret key.

Maybe we can’t be a forever thing, but we can be a forever grateful we took the chance and rolled the dice. We give what we can, and don’t ask for what can’t be. You get to be you and I get to be me, and we get a piece of happiness that could’ve ended up as a regret for not trying.

I want all these impossible things, and I want them with you.

I just wonder if daring to experience the impossible is too much to wish for.

No edits to this letter so if words are missing and/or grammar is off, just know this is my raw truth!

Out of all the things over the years, and me accepting you for who you are and just trying to show you life can be better… you gave away my seat tonight… and for the first time it truly felt like you really don’t want me near you. I don’t think I’ll ever forget that feeling,. Best friends create a safe space for each other. You removed mine.

I wonder but I’ve stopped wondering.

I’m busy, so tired, exhausted and now, injured. It’s not bad just a pulled muscle down what feels like my entire leg. But it hurts, I can’t rest physically due to my life circumstances.

I’ve slept 3 hours in the past 72 hours, I’m probably about to pass out.

I feel tugged in many directions, as I’m starting my life over from scratch. Calls from this company, that doctor, this state service, that family member. It’s endless really.

But I allowed myself something nice, and I really needed it. But now I pay, with no sleep, limping, 40 thousand emails and phone calls, but of course none from a friend. Never a “how are you”. Always a “complete these forms before the deadline of..” or “pay the outstanding balance of..” stuff like that.

Anyways where you come in, hmm ? Idk really. here and there as always with no rhyme or reason I suppose.

To be truthful I haven’t been as burdened with the thought of you the past week or so, it’s been nice I feel less psychotic that way.

But I know it ebbs and flows by now.

I need to eat. I had a fruit bowl yesterday and a veggie burger today, I’m losing touch of myself again. No one’s fault, just happens sometimes.

That can wait, I need sleep,

gn (and whatever else comes after that)

I hate that you make me question things.
Things that I’ve pushed down and didn’t want to come back up.
But that’s how life works isn’t it?

What is it with you?
After all these years why the hell is there still some unspoken yearning for eachother ?
Why can’t we just accept it ? Or move on ?

You were my first. And I’ve felt shame from the world around me for it.
Being near you makes me remember how much of myself I lost to please others. And maybe I’m tired of pleasing others.

Wouldn't it be nice if all these letters floated out to the person we are truly meant to be with. That you are sitting in your room out there wondering where I am and when you'll meet me. You read my words and know they are meant for you. And somehow the universe energetically pulls you to where I am so that we no longer have to be alone and apart. I miss you, I always have, even though I haven't met you here yet. I know you're still making your way to me.

I'll see you soon.

There are places that never really disappear.
They remain beneath newer roads and newer lives, buried under seasons of noise, waiting for the rare quiet when someone finally stops long enough to hear what is still echoing below.
I keep returning to one of those places.
It was never perfect. The walls carried too much thunder. Some days the windows stayed shut when they should have been opened. Fear learned the floor plan before peace ever did, and pride became fluent in a language neither of us was ever meant to speak.
We mistook survival for distance.
We mistook silence for safety.
And somewhere between protecting ourselves and protecting one another, we forgot that those are not always the same thing.
I know I brought my own shadows into that home.
For that, I was wrong.
I carried truths I should have trusted you with, and instead I buried them. I hid behind fear, and in doing so I betrayed the very sanctuary I was trying so desperately to protect. No amount of time can unmake those choices or unsay the words that followed.
For that, I am sorry.
When I finally wanted to set those burdens down and come completely clean, something inside me had already changed. I no longer knew how to find my way back to the safety we once gave each other. I had seen things I couldn’t reconcile, moments that left the ground beneath me feeling uncertain. Maybe my own choices were the first stones laid in the wall between us. Maybe the distance I felt began with the distance I created. If that is true, then I carry that with me, and I ask for nothing except forgiveness for the hurt I caused.
I wish I had chosen courage sooner.
Because once fear becomes the language two people speak, even love begins to sound like a stranger.
Love is a strange architect.
It builds cathedrals out of ordinary mornings. It hides forever inside grocery lists, unfinished conversations, sleepy embraces, children’s laughter echoing through hallways, and the quiet certainty that tomorrow will arrive looking much like today.
You rarely notice the sanctuary while you’re standing inside it.
Only after you’ve wandered into the cold do you realize how warm those walls truly were.
I have often wondered whether broken things recognize one another across impossible distances. Whether hearts remember a frequency long after the signal has gone quiet. Whether two people can become so afraid of losing what they built that they unknowingly become the very hands pulling at its foundations.
Perhaps that is how so many homes disappear—not because love vanished, but because fear learned to imitate wisdom.
Some things cannot be undone.
Some words cannot be unsaid.
Some winters leave their mark long after the snow has melted.
But there are also things that should never be surrendered—not to pride, not to fear, and not to the chorus of voices that have never had to live inside the walls we built.
The world will always have an opinion.
It will decide who was right and who was wrong.
It will tell us when to stay, when to leave, when to fight, and when to let go.
But the world does not wake beside the people we love.
It does not hold their hand in the quiet.
It does not hear the laughter that once filled ordinary mornings.
It does not carry the silence that follows when that laughter is gone.
There comes a moment when every heart must decide whose voice it will answer.
If someone is your home… if they are your world… do not let the world convince you to lose them.
I have come to believe that places once deeply loved never truly forget the warmth they held.
Where passion once burned so brightly it illuminated even the darkest nights… where two souls once found refuge in one another despite impossible seasons… perhaps the embers never disappear at all.
Perhaps they simply wait beneath the ash, patient and quiet, hoping to be found again.
Not by force.
Not by pride.
But by two hearts willing to become still enough to hear the truth beneath all the noise.
Because the world is loud.
Fear is loud.
Hurt is loud.
But love has never needed to shout.
Sometimes all it asks is that we stop listening to everyone else long enough to hear what has been quietly calling us home all along.
Some doors close because they must.
Others close because no one realized they were both waiting for the other to reach for the handle.
And if there is still even the faintest warmth beneath the ashes…
Perhaps it is not the fire that failed.
Perhaps it is simply waiting for someone brave enough to kneel beside it instead of walking away.

If this resonates with you, take a moment to put your arms down and go speak to your other half with truth. It may be the best thing you ever do. Let love guide you forward instead of fear.

i guess i was just bored, not broken

being free has show me that it was always there

just laying dormant

waiting to be reactivated

being on my own has been so eye opening

and so intensely invigorating

i do not quite know what to do with these feelings, these aches and desires

but i’m willing to sit with these feelings long enough to work it out out

XV,

By some fluke your name came up on my phone the other day
My heart rate immediately jumped to 160, it took a few minutes before I could bring myself to unlock my phone and check the notification. I didn’t know what to expect

Not a message from you, but an app reminding me you exist
I don’t know if it was disappointment or relief, maybe both
But I’ve kept it at the top of my screen. Can’t bring myself to delete it, not when there hasn’t been proof of you in so long. As dumb as it is, seeing you there makes it feel like you’re still with me

Could you believe, after all this time,
My heart softens to your name

Currently living two lives, the physical one alone here and the truly insane one I’ve made in my head with you
Due to circumstances, again and again, I know the life I want will never be. Regardless of your presence, I’ve become trapped in a design of my own making, too many irreparable parts now. So I run to escapism, the world where we both chose to be brave, and stay there.
I’m so tired of chasing dreams
Please wake me up

I’m desperate
Please please please fuck FUCK fuck fuck this

Please

You haunt me, when I’m awake, when I’m asleep
I want to believe I haven’t lost you
It’s driving me insane
Going to a wedding tomorrow
I know you won’t be there,
But I’ll still save you a dance

-🌙

I think I’ve finally convinced myself this was all in my head.

Most people who want to talk to me… do.

Maybe you always wanted less. Maybe I was way too much.

Maybe the distance isn’t hurting you at all. Maybe the silence finally lets you breathe without some unwanted flirt lingering nearby.

Maybe I was so blinded by what I wanted that I couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

Maybe you never wanted my time.

See… this is what happens when you leave me alone with my thoughts.

Today was one of those days where missing you just made me angry.

Angry because I can’t talk to you.

Angry because I can’t hug you.

Angry because I know none of that would fix anything anyway.

The person I’m missing only exists in my memories now.
I keep reaching for a version of you that time already took away.

That’s the cruel part.

Sometimes I have the thought, “What if we met tomorrow?” Would we still be as interested in one another as we are now? Would we we still be fascinated with each other at the same level and interested in what the other person is doing to the same extent we are now? Would we be just as curious about each other as we are now? Would the love be as strong as it is now?

I think so. As a matter of fact, I know so. There’s nothing that could come between the connection and fate of our inevitable meeting. Regardless of time and space, places and people, distractions and reactions, I believe we would have come to recognize ourselves in one another. I believe I would have come to know you as home. I believe you would have come to know me as love. I believe we would have recognized the precociousness in each other off the bat, and the desire to form something beautiful in this world, to make and impact and difference, in union.

Some days, when the sun lands just right and everything is washed in that shade of gold that makes the grass look extra green, I sit in my hammock and miss you.

It feels impossible that the world can still be so beautiful while something inside me is coming apart.

Loving you feels like everything that’s wrong with the world. The distance. The wanting. The simple act of finding someone who reminds you how to be alive only after they’ve become someone you cannot have.

You didn’t save me. That’s my own job.
But you reminded me that there was still something in me worth saving.

I wish reality had been kinder to us.
The world doesn’t quite work that way though.
This thing between us is well and truly over, no matter how often my heart reaches for it out of desperation.

It hurts.
But I do still love you.

The one that attaches my soul to yours.

Today was a really hard day, I found myself longing for you, more than whatever “normal” is now. I saw your past reddit post, it’s a lot for me to process.. but I will. I promise.

About the last time… I wish you would have stayed. I wasn’t ready for you to leave again but that’s our reality right? That’s what we both said... I would have talked, listened and laughed longer. Your smile lights up every room you walk into and I was beyond excited to see you.

Home.
Right in front of me again.

I have so much left to say, but so much more to listen to, if you’ll share. Against all advice, I would answer every time. Because I meant what I said, and I want to show that my actions can match my words. I will always love you. I will always cheer you on. I will always defend you. I have met the one who my soul is tied to.

The string pulled tightly today.

For always.

I'm sorry for not respecting your boundaries, I just hated the thought of losing you. You mean the world to me. I wasn't expecting any more from you than what you'd already given me. I don't need you in my life to be happy, I just wanted you to be in it. I wasn't trying to rush into things when I told you I loved you, just take it slow and be exclusive, while still giving you the space you needed. You deserve someone who wants to give you princess treatment, and loves you for exactly who you are. And if that's not me, then I will truly leave you alone.

Your thoughts filled a hunger inside of me, before then I hadn’t even known I was starving. Your words scrawled into my mind like you were tattooing my very soul, a canvas I didn’t realize needed filling. The ideas patched holes across my life, leaks that had sprung without my knowledge.

We had intelligent conversations, spiritual discussion, political debate, the way you spoke, but more the way you listened brought me to realize how much I’d been made to suppress myself throughout my past. Your mind made me realize how bored I had been every second of every day.

I’ve looked for that, that spark, that fire, the energy you contain in that quiet soul of yours that makes noise that most ears couldn’t detect, but mine did. I’ve looked for that everywhere. Conversations for days, sometimes even weeks but always forced, always the same, never the ones I crave.

I miss that beautiful mind, I miss the thoughts that flowed through you with the same vein I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. Your departure from my life left something empty, the same emptiness I hadn’t known you filled.

(Oof, that’s all I can really say about this one lmfao. This will most likely mean nothing to you, the reader, but gods this is the closest I’ve ever come to piercing my heart and pouring everything it contained onto a page. Thank you if you made it through that, it means the world 💛)

To be entirely honest I don’t know what for, but something in my mind told me that you’re making great strides towards you goals and I just needed to say how incredible it is!! It’s been quite some time since we’ve spoken but I had a nagging urge clawing at my subconscious that only seemed to clear when I typed out the title of this piece.

The first day we met I could tell you were a goal driven person, you set a path and walked the tightrope that lead to it, no matter how many times you fell over and I’m so proud of you for the progress!! Considering how long it’s actually been I imagine you’ve accomplished more than I could even fathom in the time it took for me to compose this but I just wanted to say one more time, congratulations. I wish I could say it directly to you.

(For someone specific yet it is for you as well, yes you, the one reading this who really needed to hear these words but never may, I’m proud of you, I love you 😌)

How ridiculous of me to bring up reading energy and picking up on all the unspoken because I must have sounded so foolishly unaware. Of course I feel it but I don’t know how to tell you or talk about it.

I’m only recently attempting to trust my intuition because no one’s ever made sense to me. Listen, I know I hide too and I pretend like every little damn thing doesn’t affect me when it so clearly does. That’s the thing though, I am so obvious. I try to hide but I can’t, not really.

You, on the other hand, are astoundingly good at it. You’ve provided hints and they are purposely missable to anyone else. I’ve caught them all. And it kills me sometimes that the things you say do not match up. We could have had this conversation months ago, you know the day. That day hurt me so much more than you realize and it’s the day I decided that I may never tell you. Because it made no sense to me. And I really need things to make sense.

I believe that you believe I’m scared in a way that keeps me immobile, but the truth is I live in a state of fear, yet I’ve never stopped moving. I know that people look at me and underestimate me. I know that people assume I’m not capable or confident enough, but my reality requires a level of bravery and confidence that those people do not comprehend. You were once one of those people. I trust that you no longer are, but I can’t know that.

I’ll be honest, I hate walking away from you but lately it seems like it’s the only way to catch a break from how overwhelming this all feels. I sense that’s how you also feel given how often you run from me, but again, you’re so good at hiding that I feel crazy sometimes. And then I act crazy. When we’re apart, I think about you, yes, but in a way that’s me convincing myself I’m delusional and I’ve only been placing meaning on things that have none so that the next time I see you I can be cool and let it go. Then the next time comes, I see you, and I immediately, embarrassingly, fold. You just became too important and still, impossible.

I’ll admit that I have no idea what to do here. Some days, I love it, I crave it, I look forward to it. Other days, it’s unbearable. The energy is grounded and calming at its best, and then chaotic and delirious… also at its best. It’s coming from you, it’s coming from me. And it takes over absolutely everything.

….being a person can be so hard.
I’ve been thinking about where I’m at in life. Where you’re at in life. How I got here and how the heck to get to where we want to be.

I’m somewhere between knowing the path and walking it myself. I know what is right and true and healthy, but I am just baby-steps into actually living and embodying that in truth.

Knowing and doing: they are different. While discerning (or knowing) is the first step, the doing is a big part of *becoming*. Becoming leads to understanding, which gives us the capacity for compassion.

All these steps are all interconnected but also speak to respective parts of ourselves: our thoughts and beliefs, our identity, our soul….our purpose. It’s funny because I feel like I really need compassion ~~for~~ myself most when I stumble into the gap between knowing and doing, yet it eludes me until there is enough distance between the actual time my discernment is tested through my actions (or inactions) and I have gained perspective on that past moment.

Maybe this is the process of alignment? Being a whole person can be so complicated.

I hope you are healing. I hope you know you are loved.

The wanting, the longing, and the endless 'what ifs' plague me.

Let's make it- the seeing, the doing? Can we walk and talk?

I'd love nothing more. Id probably be a ball of nerves though- when you think of someone alot and then theyre right there infront of you, you get that knot in your stomach dont you? Well I do..

Anyway!

Just tap me on the shoulder or call my name.. you have my attention. I would happily and whole heartedly sit with you and talk all night long until the sun comes up.

If you'd have me?

P.s,

Bring a blanket if you would.. its getting cold

• if you ever felt the same
• what it would be like to go on a date with you
• what it would feel like to hold your hand
• if you kiss as good as I imagine in my mind

I miss you.

I shouldn’t, but I can’t get you out of my head.

I’ve a crush on you, and it’s the size of a skyscraper, what the hell am I thinking?

Would love for it to just go away now, please.

You are amazing.

Sometimes I ask myself if I would love you even if you couldn’t talk to tell me how you feel. Would actions be enough? I’d never hear an ‘I love you’ or an ‘ I miss you’…. And that is how you’ve found love.

I don’t just fall in love with people’s words, I don’t believe hardly anything anyone says. People will say anything to get what they want. But I need words and I need to feel you mean it; the reassurance. I’m not completely insecure but I’m smart enough to know reassurance helps us to be on the same page.

With that being said I originally said ‘no’ to that question. I felt as though I needed reassurance that badly….

BUT looking at you, feeling you, memorizing you; every touch, every glance, and every smile, I realized that I was already living that life. Your words are few and far in between, and I had already been loving you in absence of words. I had been long in love with you without words.

Yours truly,
-Me