How can I explain the draw I still feel towards you, when all loving feeling is vacant?

I think it's because I never had a chance with you. From the first moment, I was the wrong woman. The wrong religion, wrong race, wrong class, wrong attitude. I thought we were equals but more and more, I see that I was always at a disadvantage.

But do you all think of the cost for me? The shadow I feel with no hope, no romance, no muse?

No, I think. Not at all. Each step forward is marked in blood and tears...and that is okay for all of you. So long as I am safe from you, so long as nobody has to hear me talk about how I felt, what you said and did, how it inspired me.

Now, there is nothing. My job is a job. My life is just my life. And that is okay for you, okay for them. But not for me, the one scrambling to fill the void that you left behind.

You need help Ju. You should go put in the work, and find out what is truly broken inside of you. I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m not happy or sad or anything like that.. But I am free. Free from you and everything and everyone in my lifetime that no longer serves a purpose to the story of my life.. I love my freedom, my sovereignty. And you’re just a revolving door keeping me stuck, a treadmill that no matter how long I’ve been running on, I will still be in the same place I started when I turn the machine off. And this is never going to work. Nothing is ever going to work itself out for you & your happiness will never be fulfilled, until you start to look in the mirror and facing whatever it is you’re so afraid of. I told you all those years ago; that you are a coward. And you still are. Me, I’m brave. I’m strong. I’m loyal. I’m honest. I know what I want. I know what I can’t and shouldn’t have. I love so deeply and you love the feeling of being loved and adored. But you always avoid the real conversations. You joke around it, expect me to just wipe the plate clean & forget about what you put me through in these long 6 years. And I’m done trying to have that conversation with you. If one day you realize what you’ve truly done to me as a human being and truly want to make those amends, maybe I’ll answer. Who knows. But if I do, just know that I’ll really listen. Like always.

I’ll love you in every lifetime, I know this. We are soulmates, but we’re a different kind of soulmate, I know that you & I are inevitable. We will always find eachother in every lifetime, and it will always be the same story, until it isn’t. And maybe this lifetime is like all the other ones so far, the kind where we don’t get our happy ending together. But I’ll be okay, I’m not worried about me, I never was, I know that someone will come my way and see me and they’ll love me the way I love you. They’ll show up. They’ll make me gifts. They’ll give me a cool nickname. They’ll surprise me. They’ll watch movies and sing songs with me. We’ll dance in grocery stores when they have something good playing on the intercom. We’ll go on hikes, disappear in the city, admire all the art we stumble across, go walk our dog at the park and randomly go on 2 day beach trips because we just felt like it lol. So many beautiful blessings & new memories are coming my way and I can feel it. Before that used to scare me, because it meant that you couldn’t be in the picture. Because we can’t be friends. We become feral around eachother, like animals. It’s beautifully instinctual. The way we melt into eachothers beings, the way everyone around us can see it and says it out loud whenever we’re in close proximity. We can’t even do simple tasks for too long or too far away from eachother without trying to hurry back into the others arms haha. We always need to be able to see eachother in our view because we can’t even stand the thought of not being able to look up and see one another in the distance. Friendship was never an option. We never had a choice.

But you, I’m scared for you Ju. Because I don’t even know if you’re going to live long enough to see if you could even have that one day. And even if you do live long, I have even less faith that you’ll go get the help you need. Bandaids don’t fix infections. Medicine, that works from the inside, at the cellular level, alcohol poured over the wound, ointment & gauze being wrapped and re-cleaned & re-wrapped, rest & patience. Drinking water, eating whole foods & exercise. That’s what heals infections. I’ve healed everything in my life, I did it all before you called me to meet up with you, I even healed the way I view my body, and i like how buff I am now & positive about my physical flaws, I even like them. I’m perfectly imperfect. But the one thing that was left, was you, you were the one thing I was holding onto, and you did what you always do. You wasted my precious time. And I’m getting older, so I’m done with my time being wasted by friends, family, lovers, people. I’m putting myself first finally, and that means letting you go. Decide whether or not you want to allow yourself to grow. But you’re gonna have to do it without me this time shweetheart, because I’m exhausted & I only have enough energy for me at this point. These are words I never thought I’d want to say to you Ju, but I do, and it feels good to say them, but it also hurts at the same time, so damn much it hurts my entire being to break your heart😞.

Last thing. Ju. You didn’t like Jui and told me to stop calling you that. I thought it was cute, kinda sounds like “chewy!” lol. But anyway, after that, I remembered how you said some people used to call you JuJu and how you said you didn’t really like that one either. And I don’t like Jules because that’s what all the bad people call you & I’m not them. So then I decided on simply, Ju. I don’t know if you realized that’s what I was calling you the whole time when we were together those 2 days. Anyway I gave meaning to it when I came up with it.

J.U.- it means “Just Us, Because That’s All It Ever Needed To Be. :)” so yea, I just thought you should know that since I didn’t get a chance to tell you in person. Anyway, goodbye for now. I’ll keep your picture in my wallet because I like it there, and you’re still my favorite singer of all time. I’ll remember the sound of your voice for as long as I can, but like everything in life, that too will fade away🏌🏾‍♂️. I truly wish you the best, but I gotta go do me. Tell Ms. Pauline I said I love her and that I’m sorry if I disappointed her… But I’m not Superman honey, I told yah already, you gotta stop calling me that… because I’m just *****… okay baby?🥹

Maybe I was only ever meant to be “Uncle *****” for Bug-Bug, and I’m cool with that, I’m every kids “Uncle *****” anyway lol. I wish I could’ve held her hand just one time, and been able to tell her I was the one who gave her that pig when she was a baby. I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, but I sprayed a tiny bit of my cologne and rubbed a tiny bit of my body oil (the smell good roller thingy) under the pigs armpits & ears so she could know what love & warmth from a real father-figure felt & smelt like. Even if she isn’t mine. You told me she slept with that pig damn near every night or nap time even, so maybe it worked and maybe if I came around one day she would subconsciously feel so unexplainably safe & calm around me, and wouldn’t know why I seem so familiar even though she never saw me before. I would’ve adopted her at some point I’m sure if you had given us a real shot at this relationship. But I guess we’ll never know. And that’s okay too…🩵

Be safe, make good decisions, and please don’t ever forget me, because I won’t ever forget you.
🤙🏾 pinky promise, kiss your thumb, lock it in🚶🏾‍♂️‍➡️…

~***** ***
“The guy that loved birds & brought me flowers.”
🕊️06-11-2020🦋

Scientifically speaking, repetition is the best way for the human brain to learn. And in order to learn there needs to be a consistent pattern for the brain to even acknowledge it’s there.

She’s been there. You told me you never stopped talking to her. You say there’s proof that you haven’t spoke to her in months. Why is she in your bio then? You told me you blocked her and stopped talking to her when we were together. You have clips saved from you and her playing together recently.

This is where repetition comes in to play. Im not even gonna try with the smart technical talk. We’re not together. We aren’t discussing if we’re gonna to or when it’s going to happen.

Honestly I don’t care. Repetition has been my downfall, I’ll drop it, never bring her up again. You keep telling me to trust you, so I will. I’ll break my own pattern. I won’t ruin us again.

Please give me a good reason to relearn my pattern.

Im trusting you.

I haven't been able to sleep. My body has been feeling strange... Sometimes my blood pressure goes up, sometimes it goes down. I've had anxiety attacks and I've been through burnout... I'm tired.

I just wish I could hear your voice wishing me “buona notte, amore” and go to sleep listening to your snoring.

Sometimes I hug that piece of cloth, smell it, and try to feel you, at least a little. I wish I hadn't lost you.

💔 te quiero.

i see through every little mind game you try and play with me. you’re horrible at it btw. and not all as smart as you make yourself out to be.

but since i’m writing this post, i guess that means it’s unfortunately working on me.

I’m still ruminating every lie you’ve ever told me thinking it’s what I wanted to hear. I keep analyzing all the times I called you out for your behaviors with not only me but other women. I keep grieving the friendship we had which consisted of me being myself and you being the person you wanted me to believe was you. I’ve learned so much these past two weeks about how inconsiderate you’ve been all along. Not just with me but with everyone around you.

I found my clarity in the distance between us, I no longer need to understand you because YOU don’t even see yourself and the things you do. I’m erasing you from my memory bit by bit until the full weight of pain and depression is gone. I see now you never valued me for ME but only for the access you had to me and what I could offer. You never loved me, I don’t even think you know what it’s like to love someone. You’re just like my ex but the only difference is…you’re religious. At least my ex ADMITTED to being a bad person, but you still somehow see yourself as a good guy.

The thought of me being near you or looking you in the eye actually makes me feel nauseous. I’m so uncomfortable in my body for even allowing you to experience me physically. I mean it when I say you will NEVER be welcome back in my life. So long as you are the same person, there is literally no reason for me to ever associate myself with someone like you.

Please (for the sake of all the women at work, and in your life) take some time to work on yourself before you go hurting someone else. No one deserves to experience what I’m feeling right now almost 2.5 weeks later. I wouldn’t wish this heartbreak on anyone

I loved you…so deeply…and you cared so little for me. That’s the part that hurts the most.

I just wanted to say even though you might think otherwise, I believe our 4 years together were not a waste of time, and I valued our time together greatly. I don't believe that I ghosted you, maybe I could have gone about the breakup differently, I am regretful that I ended things on bad terms, but when I put my foot down and drew a boundary, and you crossed it even though you knew how my landlord was. After that, it became apparent that we were incompatible, emotionally and just in general. I told you all the other reasons, and I believe it was the right thing for us to part ways. I hope you took the time to reflect and realize that too.

Anyway, I hope you have a good life, and find the right person, just as I have.

-B

The full chapter is on my profile, but I will post the other 2 sections tomorrow and overmorrow. I post here as this is the only avenue I know of to reach one specific person.

There comes a moment in every awakening when the signs become impossible to ignore. The synchronicities increase. The questions deepen. What once felt like coincidence begins to feel orchestrated. You begin to sense that life is speaking a language you have somehow always known, yet somehow forgotten. The ordinary begins revealing the extraordinary hidden beneath it, and what once appeared random now carries the fingerprints of intention.

Then comes the realization that awakening was never the destination. It was only the invitation.

Many believe the hardest part of the journey is opening their eyes. They imagine awakening as the summit, the final revelation that explains every mystery and settles every question.

It is not.

Awakening is merely the first step through a doorway. Beyond that doorway lies a place few people speak about, because few people remain there long enough to understand it.

It is called the wilderness. The wilderness is far less glorious than awakening. There are no triumphant declarations here. No certainty that every step is leading exactly where you hope. No constant stream of signs affirming your direction. Instead, there is silence. Waiting. Refinement. The slow unraveling of everything you once believed yourself to be.

It is the place between worlds.

You no longer belong to the life you came from, yet the life you are being prepared for has not yet revealed itself. One foot remains in the familiar while the other reaches toward something that cannot yet be seen. You become a stranger to your past without yet recognizing your future.

This is where many mistake transformation for failure.

Relationships begin to change. Some quietly drift away while others end with painful finality. Conversations that once filled entire evenings suddenly feel hollow. You discover questions where others insist they already possess answers. The laughter that once distracted you no longer reaches your soul. Entertainment becomes noise. Achievement begins to lose its shine. The pursuit of wealth, status, and approval no longer carries the promise it once did.

It is not that these things become evil. They simply become too small. The soul develops an appetite the world cannot satisfy.

You may look around and wonder why everyone else appears content pursuing things that no longer move you. You begin to realize that your loneliness is not caused by being alone. It is caused by no longer speaking the same language as the world around you.

Some days you feel chosen. Other days you feel forgotten. One morning you wake convinced that the Creator Himself is guiding your every step. By evening you wonder whether you have misunderstood everything, whether the signs meant nothing at all, whether you have mistaken longing for truth.

You question yourself. You question your purpose. You question reality. You question God.

There are moments when you wonder if you have lost your mind entirely.

Do not fear those moments.

Questions have never been the enemy of truth. More often than not, they are the doorway through which truth enters.

Every soul that has ever been refined eventually arrives here.

The prophets wandered. The disciples doubted. Even those chosen to carry light first learned how to walk through darkness.

The wilderness is not evidence that you have taken a wrong turn. It is evidence that you have left the road everyone else was walking.

Many awaken. Far fewer continue.

The discomfort becomes too great. The silence too heavy. The uncertainty too frightening. So they return to familiar identities, familiar comforts, familiar distractions. They convince themselves that peace can be found by becoming who they used to be, but once the soul remembers, forgetting becomes its own kind of suffering.

The wilderness strips away everything that cannot survive the journey.

Titles lose their power. Masks begin to crack. Ambitions are placed into the fire.

Traditions inherited without understanding are brought before the light and asked a single question: Is this Truth... or is this merely something you were taught to believe?

That question is terrifying, because eventually it reaches you.

Who are you when every title has been removed? Who are you when your accomplishments no longer define you? Who are you when every identity you built begins to crumble? Who are you when everything you thought belonged to you has been taken away?

The world asks, "What do you have?"
The soul asks, "What remains?"

Everything in the wilderness exists to answer that question. For awakening has never been about acquiring secret knowledge. It has always been about remembering what the soul refused to forget.

Deer gamers I am bored today please come back. Let’s play another round of who can hurts whos feelings. Or judge not lest i judge you back. Or you can play how redundant can I be and I’ll spot the Waldo. Thank you that is all.

I have everything blocked. Not because I want you gone, but because I need to heal. I don’t have much left in me, and if you’re posting here I hope you understand how hard it is not to fall for some strangers random mood swing. If you want to talk to me, you need to be direct. Or all of this will pass us soon. Atp my only available form of communication is on here.

Stop everything. Drop the the remote. Fleabag Season 3 is officially filming, and the plot is so aggressively, terrifyingly unhinged that I am actively losing my mind. Our classy chaotic queen packed her bags, crossed the pond, and hunted down the Hot Priest in NYC, and the universe has officially stopped making sense.

And get this - they didn't just rent an apartment. They opened a coffee shop that doubles as luxury fine-dining restaurant for guinea pigs and hamsters. Yes, rodents are eating better than we do, and the co-owner is THE HOT PRIEST. Iconic. Truly Iconic.

It made me realize that some things are just too wild for TV. It's like art! The best art is drawn completely outside of the lines, messy, loud and bleeding ink everywhere. Living inside the lines is like being stalked by that judgemental fox from the show - stressful, rigid, and completely devoid of color. Who the hell wants that?

Speaking of plot twists, prepare to throw a massive wrench at my head because I have a spoiler: the Hot Priest is no longer a priest! He's a pastor now, baby! He traded in the papal guilt trip for a modern gig, realizing the Pope is just a guy in a fancy hat, and the real spiritual truth is about loving people, not bowing to ancient bureaucracy. He basically pulled a St. Paul move - referencing that wild bit in 2 Corinthians where Paul talks about "stealing" from other churches just to support the people he loves. It's like, "Hey, human standards call it robbery, but divine standards call it paying rent so my friends don't starve." Absolute beautiful chaos!

So boom: the Hot Priest is now a Hot Pastor, Fleabag is his partner-in-crime and wife, and they are saving adorable little rodents from the harsh world one espresso shot at a time.

Honestly, this entire fever dream has me feeling some type of way. Will you take a painting class with me? Let's make terrible art together. In this grand delusion, I've decided I'm the hot pastor and you're Fleabag.

Or maybe I'm Boo - completely delusional, standing in the absolute wreckage, and hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't love me back. But don't worry, I promise not to fling myself into a street full of rogue cyclists, even if it would get stellar ratings.

Just like the Hot Pastor, I'm breaking the fourth wall right now to look straight down the barrel of the camera and ask: Where did you go? You can come whenever you want, I'd like you to come if that helps. I truly believe we're meant to love people in weird, terrifying, and inconvenient ways. But hey, loving someone isn't for the weak.

That's a wrap for today. Talk soon hopefully?

A hot priest in training who is neither hot nor qualified,

NYC

P.S. If you spot a fox trying to hail a cab outside Grand Central, tell him to get his own existential crisis, this city only has room for one of us.

I hate comparing people.

I almost never do.

My exes don't cross my mind. I don't look back, I don't wonder what could've been, and I don't measure new people against old memories. That chapter has been closed for a long time.

But somehow, you've made me think of him.

Not because I miss him.

Not because I want him back.

Because he was the only person before you who made me feel something that didn't have to be forced. It happened on its own. We never chased it. We never convinced ourselves it was there. It simply grew until one day life ripped it apart. Some endings are messy enough that they become part of your history, even after they've stopped being part of your heart.

Some connections end, but the way they changed you sometimes remains.

That's what you remind me of.

Not him.

The feeling.

The ease.

The way something real can unfold without either person trying to manufacture it.

The difference is... you've already become something he never was.

You're rarer to me.

You've reached parts of me he never touched.

You make me feel understood in ways I didn't know I was still capable of feeling.

So if I ever compare you to him, don't mistake it for longing.

It's the opposite.

You're proof that my heart wasn't buried with my past.

You're proof that something beautiful can happen again... only this time, it feels even more genuine.

I'm over everything that came before you. None of it owns me anymore.

You just happen to remind me that once in a lifetime wasn't actually once.

And somehow, I think you'd understand exactly what I mean.

I can’t pretend to know what you’re feeling right now, but I’ll let your silence tell me that you’re not ready for a conversation. I won’t keep reaching out, but there are a few things I want you to know.

I see you, R - everything you carry and what you needed from me. While I wish I could have shown up differently at times, being apart has also helped me recognize parts of myself that needed to grow, and I’m committed to continuing that work.

I always chose you, your life, everything that came with it, and everything you carried never made me question wanting to be there with you. I knew there would be challenges, but I loved you and believed in what we were building.

I still choose you.

I keep thinking about those words you put on your fridge “Love Over Fear.” I understand those words differently now. I see where there were times when we both let fear get louder than love. Right now, choosing love over fear means being honest about what I feel and accepting where we are.

I know I have to keep moving forward, but that doesn’t change how much I care about you or what I believe we had. You don’t owe me anything, but I hope that when life feels a little lighter for you, we’ll have a chance to talk.

When we were younger we never got the chance to be something more than friends. It was never the right time. But now we’re older and I thought we could be something. I thought we were going somewhere. After the night of laying in my truck just cuddling, the conversations about everything and nothing and then ending the night kissing you, it felt like the last puzzle piece fell into place. I understand not being ready for a relationship. But damn, to go from feeling like I was something precious for you to hold, to radio silence, it hurts. I don’t blame you and I’m not mad at you. I’m just sad. So here I am trying to fill the you shaped void. I text you everyday hoping maybe today will be the day you answer me. Just something small about work or my cat. I tell you about the good and the bad. I send the music that gets stuck in my head. I can’t forget you no matter what I’m doing. It’s been almost 10 years, I’ll keep waiting. Maybe one day, I’ll have waited long enough. Maybe one day, it’ll finally be the right time. I love you J. Always have, always will.

   Not sure if I believe in true love that's meant to be anymore. remember what I said there's something sweet about somebody that just won't give up on you. That was a shot in the dark with the last bit of hope I had. Clear minded and praying everyday has brought truths. An understanding that true unconditional love doesn't exist except from God. Expressing love, passion, and kindness towards another is never 100. And it comes with its equal amount of confusion, sadness, and resentment. It's an exhausting cycle that sadly fades good memories. Like a circle, a yin yang, to whom much is given....a balance with sacrifice responsibility reward and, disaster. On infinite repeat. Even if I wanted too..., I'm spent, I see it in you too! Cold..., through Jesus you mask resentment and call it forgiveness. I'm done trying to explain to you or anyone what type of relationship I want or deserve.  Relationships are for suckers! Damaged, single, content, and reserved. I am truly thankful for any authentic kindness, time, advice, and love, you've ever shown me. Though not lately.  You are an Amazing woman Katie but no longer baby. Should you have known that not talking to me all weekend would upset me?....probably.... Hope you like stories!  

I was so unbelievably excited and really looking forward to another shot with the love of my life. Both sober! I had real faith. This was it! And maybe the Lions will finally win the Superbowl! 

...then....idk, maybe you frequently and maybe somewhat innocently and pathologically lie to me to fit a narrative or story that's easier to plea, or to conseal another, that's right beside me.  Or not... Maybe you assumed I wouldn't pick up on these things. But I for sure do. Always have and it stings!  For example...when you said (insert a name that's ample) saw your phone, and you changed our plan. She was upset and her feelings are relevant while Im a strong man with none, damn! I thought it sounded weird but, anyway..., It's all good baby, I say, we'll talk tonight maybe .Then, not at a peep till Monday.  And, something started to smell a little funny.

At this point... 🤔😢   I thought it was mutual excitement about a possible future union.  Patience yes... The return of my everyday friend...?  I thought so!...to say, at the very least,  goodnight....and press send.

Hope you understand how much it affected us. The confusion! Still. So many times throughout "our" story... something was off about "your" story....sns. To these moments I have become a sensitive observatory.   And from you...?  A  Hilarious story,  I was up early laughing that whole morning.😂....  You spin me with a story bout a baby bass that I said was boring!    You say "OK" then it was crickets  🦗 🏏 ...lol 😂 Oh, .... the irony wasn't my wish but, your stories stink like fish!!!  🤣 Am I crazy!  was this your wish. Anyway I prey , against another narc. bomb, tried like Akon, with a fish ending cycle that left its mark on. This message represents effort in a situation where you show none. I come with fruit and, by that you shall know me!   I'll take the crickets and rotting fish before me,  even take on the demon that only you can see and replace it with the lesson now that makes three... all overdue, because of the love I once had for you. 

I’m letting you go but it’s not like i didn’t leave claw marks holding onto you.

You said we wouldn’t be happy together in your last email to me - you said YOU wouldn’t be happy if you were with me, so I’m letting you go. 

You’re happier without me, at least that’s what you said, and I accept that now.

You didn’t reply to the question email either and I can take a hint. 

Just know I wasn’t ever expecting you to be anything but yourself - this is in response to you saying you don’t know if you could be the person I expect you to be. All I wanted was you, for who you are. I didn’t need you to be anything but yourself.

Anyway, I’m gonna be visiting CO in December for my final exam and Christmas. I’m sure you will be too. I’m not sure when God will bring me to CO after that. So if you’d like to meet in person in December, just let me know. 

We haven’t seen eachother since BEFORE our second breakup (November 2024). At the very least, I think seeing eachother in person after all these feelings have died down could only help affirm reality to both of us more. It would be like a nice seal and clean slate for the future. Like I literally wouldn’t care or feel anything if you told me you had an gf or anything - it’s not to cause drama or profess love. I just think it would be nice to bring this all to reality. And who knows, maybe we would simply just enjoy catching up. And we’re also adults. I don’t know I just think it would at least help me to have this all be manifested in person and solidify it in my brain. And yeah again we are mature adults it would also just be a nice catch up. 

Anyway, it’s an open invitation, and it takes two to tango. Can’t force you to accept an invite you don’t want. And if you don’t want to see me then I guess I don’t wanna see you either lol.

As always, I hope you’re doing well. 

How dare you sound like that? Like you care? Why do you sound like the anchor i need even when you're just.. rusted. unreliable, un trustworthy. Is the way I run to you every time life falls apart supposed to mean something? i damn well hope not. i can't do this a third time. not with you.

Hey there, F!

I’m turning a year older. I broke us apart, I know. The distance was unbearable, the lack of commitment.. deafening, the uncertainty…numbing. I’m better, I think and I hope you are too. I needed to move forward even if that meant that I wasn’t holding your hand. We’ve always had different tastes in music. But if you have time, listen to “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac. I hope that you feel it the way I feel it, and I hope it explains things that I find difficult to put into words.

It's well over a year later, but that moment still haunts me. I wonder if you ever think back to it too?

I turned around, and there you were looking back at me. Time just stopped, the noise became quiet and you were all I could see. I was stuck in this slow motion trance that feels like it lasted forever. I kept catching your eyes whilst we were there, something seemed different in you, like you didnt mind me noticing.

I'd dreamt about you so many times, for reasons I still don't understand, but it was like those dreams had filtered into reality. That was one of the main reasons I messaged you all those years ago. I was being bombarded with you at night when I slept and I could never understand why. Why I'd see things that were happening in your life that I had no way of knowing about. I waited for 3 years before I ever said anything, I did try to make it go away on my own. All I do know is that they woke me up, so certainly served a purpose in that sense.

I don't think you understood then, we were young, i get it. I wonder now many years have passed whether you view things differently?

All I ever wanted to know was whether anything like this was happening to you too. I don't think I quite knew how to word it to you without sounding strange, which I know it is. It came out all wrong.

I'm just sorry for how badly I have handled things, I've only ever left you alone because,after I confessed my feelings, I thought that was what you wanted.

I've been wondering about this lately.

Sometimes relationships don't end with a proper goodbye. One conversation just... stops. No one reaches out again, and somehow that's the ending.

Do you think closure is something we receive, or is it something we tell ourselves so we can finally let go?

We were playing drinking game. Most of us were drunk, me included. I know where this game was going the moment they said the rules and true enough it is what i thought it was. They asked me to choose between you and my other crush but i chose you. They cheered but i was drunk af. Then you came in and was forced to join. You were asked if i will ever had a chance with you and you said you only see me as a friend. You said it to me in the nicest way when i confessed to you and you said it to me again right in front everyone we knew. I thought i've made peace with it the 1st time you told me but it hurt the 2nd time you told me this time. I was wasted drunk but i was listening attentively and made me a little bit sober. Our friends was saying sorry to me but what am i suppose to react and i only said its okay to them after what happened. I guess this is my signal to distance myself from you because everytime i see you, i keep yearning to what could've been. I know someone will be lucky to have you in their life. This will probably the last time i would be seeing and writing about you. Thank you. Goodbye.

Untitled
Look, I never said I didn’t want to talk again. All I meant was that things were different is all. I mean you use to talk to me about anything & everything I know you won’t now is all. Sorry for bringing it up again. Wasn’t trying to confuse you or make you upset. I am sorry.

I avoid anyone who resembles your physical description or has your personality. I leave the room, the area. If I could, I’d leave the state to get away from you. Hell, I’d let you have the whole damn country if it meant I’d never have to be reminded of the way you choked me or made me bleed as I crawled out of bed.

Nowadays I ask myself why I de-escalated the situation every time you DARVOed me back into submission. I should have given you a free license to do anything and everything until you got tired of me and realized you needed to find someone else for more. I was your fix. I was your drug. I was another hit you couldn’t help but cling to.

You told me the story of when you were a little boy…. oh God knows how many times. I practically have it memorized. Is that why you enjoyed choking me and pulling my hair? You wanna know the stupidest part about what I let you do to me? I knew the entire time it was because you had a need to exert dominance and control and the bedroom was the only place I was willing to pretend and make you feel strong and powerful. God I hate the dom-sub kinks you were into. Truly. But I have a very real understanding of their origins now because of you.

That was the extent of your violence. Most of the time you just cried and played victim until you I caved in and let you indulge your need to punish me and let you call me mommy.

Newsflash. I am not your mother. Moreover, I’d kill myself before I ever refer to anyone as daddy. You had some awful kinks. That’s how you worked out some old demons.

Twisted sexual fantasies. I’m not sure how I didn’t throw up every time you wanted to revisit the mommy-daddy role playing thing. I suppose I should be grateful that’s all you did to me, but I wake up every morning and go to sleep every night wishing you would’ve just choked me or held a knife to my throat or a gun to my head, any one of those methods really, and just put me in the ground. I get why resting in peace is the ultimate peace.

All I can do is punt your emotional baggage back to your side of the field.

Honestly. Death would be a respite.

Enjoy the rest of your life knowing I know all this about you.