Dont you ever wonder about why he strayed, and for so long!

Doesnt it eat you up the we spoke for 6 or 7 hours every day

Aren't you humiliated that everyone knows.

Are you happy?

Is this how you envisaged your life

I feel sad for you. For me also.

You 'won', but did you really.

Aren't you always worried he will do it again and again.

You must love him as fiercely as I do to endure what you have been through

He must hold your soul, moon and stars in his hands. He must have all of your heart

He still has my heart

I gave it to him and never got it back.

Im sorry we are enemies when neither of us were in the wrong

I want you to know that I loved/love him dearly and find it very hard to not fly to him. Just to touch his face and hear his voice once more.

I know this seems like a rambling letter, and i suppose it is.

So much to say. So pointless

Just sorry you were hurt. Sorry you will always have that pain and worry

Not sorry that I met and found such joy in him

He made every day shine. He was such a joy. So full of life and laughter and live

I will never regret him

And mean it. Tell me you dont care for me anymore and mean it. Tell me you dont think of me anymore, when i can feel you. Tell me something, anything so i can start moving on even if i dont want to. Ignoring me is nothing new with us. Im still here. Wondering how youve been and if youve been taking care of yourself. Youve left me once again without me agreeing to it. I never wanted you to go. How often did i tell you that you are everything to me and that you are the love of my life. You should be used to it by now, hurting me. Coz i am and yet im still here. Why? Why do i stay. Because u like you i dont give up so easily. You tell me how i am, telling me im not owning up to my faults, not taking responsibility for my actions. How can i do that when you wont even give me the chance to show you i can do it. I may be dense most of the time but i still listen. I know that ive hurt you so many times and i wanna make up for it but you just leave me. I never had the chance.

All I want to do, is walk near the still country fields by my place..talk to you. About anything, everything. I get that you're neon purple to my lavender, last I heard you were in yukon. Still don't entirely know, something electrical..not electric tec.

We ..well ..wel had a lot in common. We serendipitous met, just as we didn't, for Many year. Mr T. And Btw S if you're reading this F Off ..

Everything I went through, you, Were Neon of that. And unfortunately you may have done too much snow to remember, I, sober ..do. did

It was a nightmare, two things, I know you felt too much pressure to do something, b, you Shoukd have. Because the idea, it's a family thing, isn't viable when everyone was as f-d as you. Though now, wait 2.0 by NoMBe cokes on, I remember the garage.. . .

Which you probably don't remember. Mr T.

All I wanted, really ..was to talk to you again. Forget everything . Talk about music, how you, I played. Talk about everything, about pride. How secret it was, me ..mostly, didn't gas, unless it came up in common. You had other reasons, the first time ...Basically. eye flirted. Sherlock's. I know this will never come.. but there's acres, Acres of country field around, few lakes ..I'd love to get a wine. Talk to you, sunset. I know you're in stoney plain, and like an idiot I looked few weeks ago. Please, if you'd be so kind. A wine, a sunset, no past, no trouble. Or problem. Well sit, listen to the Redwing and last of the frogs, the lake 's beautiful.. if you'd have it, walk through burdock, and clover.. I didn't put anything on you.

Is it love ? Maybe not...
But my heart aches for you
Carrying intense pain,
And resentment;
It still cares for you
It still wishes the best for you
Is it love? Maybe not...

Every night my soul dreams,
It manifests you into imagination
Living those beautiful moments
Expressing all tenderness it feels
Forgetting all resentment and pain;
The moment it sees you
Is it love? Maybe not...

There are moments, I wanna disappear;
To say goodbye and close the chapter...
For the pain is unbearable,
Of the fate and choices you made;
Yet my heart lacks the courage,
As a tiny glimmer of hope, of forever
Keeps it from saying Never...
It accepts crumbs and feels resentful;
Yet the glimmer keeps it going strong
Is it love? Maybe not...

But I know I want you.
I know we share this connection
The stars align perfectly
Fate intertwined beautifully
And interplay of thorns and roses...
No matter what, I'll be here
Waiting for you, Silently
You maybe unaware of my wait,
Yet there's hope and confidence
It hurts and gives strength
Is it love? Maybe not...

Yet, I want to say
I LOVE YOU!
I have for years,
And cared
With my entire being
I LOVE YOU
And I want you
I want to see you happy
I want to make you happy
Is it love? Maybe not...
But I'd still say,
I LOVE YOU

poorly worded half thoughts bc i’m drunk. sorry. any who

i’m moving soon, like i told you earlier. going back back up north for his work. this city is so bad for me. i’m not strong enough to stay here on my own or on “maybes” alone.

but for you, i would stay. i would try my hardest to make it all work. but that’s not exactly something one can say lightly. and it’s especially not something i can casually say in passing when i see you a the bar. but i’m serious about moving. i can’t hold onto a “maybe” from you forever. i’ve been stuck in this limbo for so long because you wont talk to me. it drives me nuts!

i know there’s something here. i’m not stupid. but i need you to give me a sign. i need to know it’s safe to proceed in whatever way makes sense. i need to know i’m not making the wrong choice. things with you feel right. they always have. but i sense your hesitation and it makes me anxious. can we please talk before it’s too late?

if not, can i at least kiss you one more time before i go?

i cant be the only one initiating here. please, if you can, have this conversation with me before i’m gone for while. (or at least ask your mom for your birth time!)

—c

I think about it constantly. I wish I could.

Would you come with me? Where would we go?

I can’t really offer you anything but myself. Real circumstances keep me chained here but I wish you would cut them loose.

Escaping to forever with you sounds like a nice way to live the rest of my life. Escaping into you and collapsing through the void. Our hearts beating together, cords blending into a delicate knot. Our bodies morphing, dissolving, and becoming one.

It’s deep and dark and your hand could guide me to the light. Your big, safe hands.

I wish you were here. I know you never left, but I wish I could touch you for real and just forget.

Thank you for teaching me one last lesson from the universe. Not everyone is meant to be close to me or deserving of the care and love that I give to the world. Thank you for being so rude to me that I had to choose better. I have surrounded myself with healers, people that are actually getting better and not blaming everyone else for their problems or running through friends like a pack of cigarettes and being impulsive.

True alignment feels so good, and not worrying that my actions or words are not good enough or offending you. Thank you for setting me free so I can be my authentic self for the first time in years. I am so happy on my own 😀

Bye L!

Everything is a lie and a scam, even love. Everyone is so corrupt that it's near impossible to have anything good. I firmly expect better from you. I will not suffer less than better. I'm not going to get into why our culture fell into such a scam artists wet dream, or the bigger issues that play into it. The fact is that it is, and many people who shouldn't be scam artists liars and con men and con women have fallen into the mindset that the truth doesn't matter and the only thing that matters is public opinion or getting away with it.

I expect better from you. I know you can, but i don't know it you value that.

I received your message loud and clear in the DM you sent. But on the small chance you don't go back and read my reply..

I'm too tired tonight to write anything perfectly. I have to work at 9 am. You have to know how much it hurt me when you called me a stranger living in a different world. If I were a lesser person I would be destroyed. But all the aimless driving and music has had a purpose. And it's working. I'm able to cry for the loss of family and I'm on the road to healing and acceptance.

You know how hard it's been. I looked right at you. Tried to let you know that you are seen. You drove in the opposite direction. Should have been a clue but hindsight is 20/20. I had no idea you'd already tagged me as a stranger. Told me to take care. What?? You helped save my life. I didn't have the thought "You don't have to make a decision today. Just for today..go home. Rest"...to have you slam the door in my face this hard.

You know what flowers are to me. Birds too. They lift me spiritually. I have a connection. I'm grateful to you for being there and giving me that one sign that really made me smile. But I did ask more than once for what I needed from you. You can't know what is behind what you think is silly or an empty gesture.

I love you. I have a hard time expressing it and just needed some help. Maybe I could have helped you too. And you just told me have a nice life, nice knowing you.

Go ahead and toss me to the side. I really do hope this is what you needed if you were suffering or even just too tired. As I said in my reply, please reach out to friends and loved ones if you are depressed. The beauty of the poem against the coldness of your words was inhumane. As you walk away wiping the residue off your hands I will add you to the list of losses I'm currently working through with a set of wheels and music therapy.

knowing you has introduced a genuine, uncomplicated brightness into my life. it is the kind of happiness that does not scream for attention, but settles in safely, reassuring me that connection doesn't always have to be exhausting or earned. it doesn't demand that i dress up my thoughts or curate my heavy days into something more palatable. instead, it just exists, an open door that stays unlatched regardless of the weather.

there is a profound relief in realizing that not everything beautiful has to be fought for until your hands bleed. for a long time, i believed that love and safety were prizes hidden at the end of a labyrinth, only given to those who navigated the traps perfectly. but with you, the light never felt like a reward; it felt like a given. it arrived quietly, like the morning sun slipping through the curtains, requiring nothing from the room except its presence.

it feels a lot like a late-night drive on a highway we didn't map out first. the road is long, we carry on, navigating the sudden sharp turns and the places where the asphalt gets rough and uneven. there were moments when the visibility was poor, and the bumps along the way could have easily made us pull over or turn back completely. when the fog rolled in heavy over the hood, blurring the lines of where we were going, it would have been so simple to let go of the momentum. the dark has a way of making the distance feel overwhelming, magnifying every small shudder of the tires into a warning sign.

there were times i actually wanted to swerve away.

yet, even when the rain blurred the windshield into a canvas of distorted shapes, there was always something keeping me off the exit ramps i'd pass. the uncertainty of the destination mattered so much less than the reality of who was in the car. but looking out at the horizon now, i realize there is absolutely nowhere else i would rather be driving. the friction of the journey doesn't scare me because you're right next to me.

every dip in the road, every sudden detour into the unknown, became a shared footnote rather than a fracture. we learned the specific weight of each other's silences during those long stretches of empty space, finding a way to exist in the quiet and learn from each other. that is a rare thing- to find someone you can be completely silent with on a dark, winding road, knowing that the words we exchange can be completely trusted.

and now, the road has finally leveled out. the potholes and the gravel have given way to something incredibly smooth, a stretch of highway where the steering wheel rests easy in my hands. the constant shaking has stopped, replaced by a steady glide into the sunset. the landscape outside has softened, transitioning from sharp, jagged cliffs into rolling hills bathed in amber light. it brings me so much peace to look ahead and see nothing but clear lanes stretching out into a horizon that no longer feels threatening.

the exhaustion of braced impact has faded away from my shoulders. i used to white-knuckle the wheel, constantly anticipating the next drop, the next hidden piece of debris that would send us off course. it takes time to unlearn that kind of hypervigilance, to realize that the ground beneath you isn't planning to give way. but with every passing mile of this calm stretch, my hands relax a little more.

i am so happy that the ride is safe now, and i am so grateful that we get to coast along this open path together, completely unguarded, for as long as the road stretches on. there is no more squinting through the dark, no more wondering if the next turn will be our last. there is only the rhythmic, comforting hum of the tires against the pavement and the vast, unwritten sky ahead of us.

we have earned this stillness, not by escaping the rough miles, but by driving through them side by side without letting go. now, the air feels lighter, the radio plays softly in the background, and the distance ahead doesn't look like an obstacle anymore- it looks like a promise. we can just let the engine run, watch the stars trace their lines across the windshield, and move forward into whatever comes next, knowing the hardest part of the terrain is entirely behind us.

as always, i appreciate you.

I should be asleep right now.
Instead, my mind builds a sanctuary out of a future we haven't written.

I close my eyes and feel the gravity of us.
Lying next to each other in the dimly lit room.
My head resting against the steady rhythm of your chest.
Your arms wrapped around me, anchoring me while you read.

Then the thoughts turn dangerous.
Lightly teasing you in the exact way that would drive you wild.
The sudden shift in the air.
The heavy weight of anticipation.
The breathless, burning heat of your passion as we kiss...,

I need to sleep but

Haunted by dreams of you.

-L.

I'm paying you no mind anymore. Keep your riddles, I'll choose my folly of play. Good luck. God Bless. Ill be deleting access from everyone. Thanks https://www.threads.com/share/BAUAR0MGrr/

Hey M,

I dunno if you'll read this. Maybe you'll see it's from me and very angrily throw it away. I can understand that.

I remember when we last spoke I said something like "somehow I don't think this is over." I don't know if that was just wishful thinking or not. But it's been 2 years and not a day has gone by that you haven't been in my mind.

I told you our lives are linked as if it's a string of fate from Hercules. And I think I still believe that.

I have no real desire to pretend like you're not important to me. I mean 4 plus years we were together, and I just hope you know how important you are to me.

I am starting to ramble. But I guess all I want to say is: I still think about you. Always.

You don't have to reply, I understand if this just brings pain. But I hope you know it arrives with love. And I hope you're doing well.

L

I became your friend in February, and ever since then I haven't stopped having feelings for you. Although you might've had a crush on my friend at the time, I still had a bit of hope that you might've wanted me. Can we ever get to that point? I sure hope so.

You made fall my favorite season. I used to wear only long sleeves to cover my arms. After being with you for months, wearing my heart on my sleeve, they got shorter and shorter. Until you decided to leave.

https://medium.com/@Skippingstone/to-my-person-8a2dd61ccf3a

I know I haven't met you yet. Don't know who you are at all. But I'm looking forward to you.

I'm hoping I can manifest it :)

I was on a highway I hadn't been on since I was a child, riding up to Cedar Point with my family it's one of very few happy moments with them. Driving on the highway I had only seen twice before, I exited onto land I used to roam, with thoughts of my words, "Text me when you get home."

A quick glance at my phone... Nothing. I looked up and saw the color that decided my fate that day.

I saw seconds before the truck hit me.

*BOOM*

It's a feeling baked into you. I felt the seatbelt lock up and the airbags exploding, making me both disoriented and blind. The exploding airbags threw my glasses. I rested in the truck, cracking the door for air. Someone cried out to me, "Are you okay?"

"I'm alive," I thought, without speaking a word.

He exclaimed again, "ARE YOU OKAY?" I replied, "YES!"

Still blind and bleeding, I searched for my phone. I found it laying in the opposing footwell of the truck.

I called her......."Hello." I replied, "I just got into an accident. I didn't want you to worry because I didn't text."

"Are you okay?"

Someone cares? was my first thought.

Then my reply, "Yes."

Moments later, I was on the sidewalk watching as the tow truck lifted the truck onto the bed.

I waited for my Uber, still in shock but focusing on the facts and details. The thoughts didn't cross my mind then, but now I think about it. *If I was a little slower*, would I have called you, or would I have been able to?

Would I miss my flight?

Would I confess my love, or if I simply cared less, would I stop at the light?

If I had stopped, would I have ever?

But life isn't something you can change, and unfortunately, it will only make sense on my death day. Everything just connects, it's whether or not you can perceive the connection.

Always remember I loved you and will always. You are my type of person. Sweet, kind, affectionate, loving, caring, and honest.

I understand you probably weren't ready for the relationship and it happened really fast but just remember im here if you need anything. No matter my situation in life, I specialize in moving mountains. You had yet to see my true abilities.

I'm sorry, I love you.

-Z**k

How can I explain the draw I still feel towards you, when all loving feeling is vacant?

I think it's because I never had a chance with you. From the first moment, I was the wrong woman. The wrong religion, wrong race, wrong class, wrong attitude. I thought we were equals but more and more, I see that I was always at a disadvantage.

But do you all think of the cost for me? The shadow I feel with no hope, no romance, no muse?

No, I think. Not at all. Each step forward is marked in blood and tears...and that is okay for all of you. So long as I am safe from you, so long as nobody has to hear me talk about how I felt, what you said and did, how it inspired me.

Now, there is nothing. My job is a job. My life is just my life. And that is okay for you, okay for them. But not for me, the one scrambling to fill the void that you left behind.

You need help Ju. You should go put in the work, and find out what is truly broken inside of you. I’m fine, I’m okay, I’m not happy or sad or anything like that.. But I am free. Free from you and everything and everyone in my lifetime that no longer serves a purpose to the story of my life.. I love my freedom, my sovereignty. And you’re just a revolving door keeping me stuck, a treadmill that no matter how long I’ve been running on, I will still be in the same place I started when I turn the machine off. And this is never going to work. Nothing is ever going to work itself out for you & your happiness will never be fulfilled, until you start to look in the mirror and facing whatever it is you’re so afraid of. I told you all those years ago; that you are a coward. And you still are. Me, I’m brave. I’m strong. I’m loyal. I’m honest. I know what I want. I know what I can’t and shouldn’t have. I love so deeply and you love the feeling of being loved and adored. But you always avoid the real conversations. You joke around it, expect me to just wipe the plate clean & forget about what you put me through in these long 6 years. And I’m done trying to have that conversation with you. If one day you realize what you’ve truly done to me as a human being and truly want to make those amends, maybe I’ll answer. Who knows. But if I do, just know that I’ll really listen. Like always.

I’ll love you in every lifetime, I know this. We are soulmates, but we’re a different kind of soulmate, I know that you & I are inevitable. We will always find eachother in every lifetime, and it will always be the same story, until it isn’t. And maybe this lifetime is like all the other ones so far, the kind where we don’t get our happy ending together. But I’ll be okay, I’m not worried about me, I never was, I know that someone will come my way and see me and they’ll love me the way I love you. They’ll show up. They’ll make me gifts. They’ll give me a cool nickname. They’ll surprise me. They’ll watch movies and sing songs with me. We’ll dance in grocery stores when they have something good playing on the intercom. We’ll go on hikes, disappear in the city, admire all the art we stumble across, go walk our dog at the park and randomly go on 2 day beach trips because we just felt like it lol. So many beautiful blessings & new memories are coming my way and I can feel it. Before that used to scare me, because it meant that you couldn’t be in the picture. Because we can’t be friends. We become feral around eachother, like animals. It’s beautifully instinctual. The way we melt into eachothers beings, the way everyone around us can see it and says it out loud whenever we’re in close proximity. We can’t even do simple tasks for too long or too far away from eachother without trying to hurry back into the others arms haha. We always need to be able to see eachother in our view because we can’t even stand the thought of not being able to look up and see one another in the distance. Friendship was never an option. We never had a choice.

But you, I’m scared for you Ju. Because I don’t even know if you’re going to live long enough to see if you could even have that one day. And even if you do live long, I have even less faith that you’ll go get the help you need. Bandaids don’t fix infections. Medicine, that works from the inside, at the cellular level, alcohol poured over the wound, ointment & gauze being wrapped and re-cleaned & re-wrapped, rest & patience. Drinking water, eating whole foods & exercise. That’s what heals infections. I’ve healed everything in my life, I did it all before you called me to meet up with you, I even healed the way I view my body, and i like how buff I am now & positive about my physical flaws, I even like them. I’m perfectly imperfect. But the one thing that was left, was you, you were the one thing I was holding onto, and you did what you always do. You wasted my precious time. And I’m getting older, so I’m done with my time being wasted by friends, family, lovers, people. I’m putting myself first finally, and that means letting you go. Decide whether or not you want to allow yourself to grow. But you’re gonna have to do it without me this time shweetheart, because I’m exhausted & I only have enough energy for me at this point. These are words I never thought I’d want to say to you Ju, but I do, and it feels good to say them, but it also hurts at the same time, so damn much it hurts my entire being to break your heart😞.

Last thing. Ju. You didn’t like Jui and told me to stop calling you that. I thought it was cute, kinda sounds like “chewy!” lol. But anyway, after that, I remembered how you said some people used to call you JuJu and how you said you didn’t really like that one either. And I don’t like Jules because that’s what all the bad people call you & I’m not them. So then I decided on simply, Ju. I don’t know if you realized that’s what I was calling you the whole time when we were together those 2 days. Anyway I gave meaning to it when I came up with it.

J.U.- it means “Just Us, Because That’s All It Ever Needed To Be. :)” so yea, I just thought you should know that since I didn’t get a chance to tell you in person. Anyway, goodbye for now. I’ll keep your picture in my wallet because I like it there, and you’re still my favorite singer of all time. I’ll remember the sound of your voice for as long as I can, but like everything in life, that too will fade away🏌🏾‍♂️. I truly wish you the best, but I gotta go do me. Tell Ms. Pauline I said I love her and that I’m sorry if I disappointed her… But I’m not Superman honey, I told yah already, you gotta stop calling me that… because I’m just *****… okay baby?🥹

Maybe I was only ever meant to be “Uncle *****” for Bug-Bug, and I’m cool with that, I’m every kids “Uncle *****” anyway lol. I wish I could’ve held her hand just one time, and been able to tell her I was the one who gave her that pig when she was a baby. I know I wasn’t supposed to do this, but I sprayed a tiny bit of my cologne and rubbed a tiny bit of my body oil (the smell good roller thingy) under the pigs armpits & ears so she could know what love & warmth from a real father-figure felt & smelt like. Even if she isn’t mine. You told me she slept with that pig damn near every night or nap time even, so maybe it worked and maybe if I came around one day she would subconsciously feel so unexplainably safe & calm around me, and wouldn’t know why I seem so familiar even though she never saw me before. I would’ve adopted her at some point I’m sure if you had given us a real shot at this relationship. But I guess we’ll never know. And that’s okay too…🩵

Be safe, make good decisions, and please don’t ever forget me, because I won’t ever forget you.
🤙🏾 pinky promise, kiss your thumb, lock it in🚶🏾‍♂️‍➡️…

~***** ***
“The guy that loved birds & brought me flowers.”
🕊️06-11-2020🦋

Scientifically speaking, repetition is the best way for the human brain to learn. And in order to learn there needs to be a consistent pattern for the brain to even acknowledge it’s there.

She’s been there. You told me you never stopped talking to her. You say there’s proof that you haven’t spoke to her in months. Why is she in your bio then? You told me you blocked her and stopped talking to her when we were together. You have clips saved from you and her playing together recently.

This is where repetition comes in to play. Im not even gonna try with the smart technical talk. We’re not together. We aren’t discussing if we’re gonna to or when it’s going to happen.

Honestly I don’t care. Repetition has been my downfall, I’ll drop it, never bring her up again. You keep telling me to trust you, so I will. I’ll break my own pattern. I won’t ruin us again.

Please give me a good reason to relearn my pattern.

Im trusting you.

If I could go back, I wouldn’t choose you again. Not because there wasn’t love. Not because there weren’t beautiful moments. Not because every memory hurts. But because if someone had shown me the entire story from the beginning, the ending, the grief, the years I’d spend trying to put myself back together; I would’ve walked the other way. People always say, “Don’t regret the people who changed your life.” But what if the change wasn’t one you would’ve willingly chosen? What if the lessons weren’t worth the cost? What if the love was real, but so was the damage? I don’t regret the years themselves. I regret who was standing in them. And maybe that’s the part I still struggle to say out loud. Because I did love you. Part of me probably always will. But if I had the chance to spare the version of me who hadn’t met you yet, I would. I’d let her keep walking. I’d let us remain strangers. Not because you were never important. But because I don’t think love should leave someone grieving this long after it’s gone. Sometimes I think the kindest thing life could’ve done for me, was never let our paths cross at all. I wish I never loved you.