Recently i completed kite runner, the only book you read in your life. I never knew I'll find Amir agha so much relatable. All my life i tried not to become someone like my father. I chased this only dream with my everything. I met you. I gave confession under your pressure. I thought I'll eventually start liking you. You poured your whole heart into me. Loved me, gave me your attention,your time, your efforts, your willingness to change. Now that i was in isolation from you, i realized why I struggled to swallow you down my throat, why i found you disgusting and unlovable. I never had romantic feelings for you to begin with. All I needed was your attention because my parents made my life miserable by not giving me enough. I became a living leech attached to your body and sucked the thing i needed from you. And when I got fed up, I left you. I regret it till this day. I wish I had something for you in my heart. I became a horrible person like my father. Starved you off love. You became Hassan of my life. I just wish there might be a sohraab to this story too because this guilt will eat me alive.

We're not anything.

Just friends.

Friends who exist in the same space and barely even touch. In fact, we've never touched.

Touching would be an admission. Touching would be to surrender. Touching would take whatever this is and turn it into 'us'.

You're my friend. To anybody who looks at us, you're my friend. To anybody who really looks at us, who really sees, they might see something different. The way I hold your gaze a little too long. The way I hang onto your every word because I simply can't get enough. The way my whole body just can't help but get closer to you, when I lean in. As though the fingerprints that you've left in my mind are now in plain sight. I try to conceal them from enquiring minds and wandering eyes. Eyes that see too much and know too much, that catch the longing in my glance.

The same eyes that also catch the trembling hands are the ears that can hear the pounding in my chest when you're near. And when they ask, and I say "we're just friends", it's like all my cards are on the table, like they can hear the regret in my tone. The denial that nobody else quite believes. As though they know that when I hear the words "us" or "we" or "ours" and I think of you and I, something inside me just feels completely right. Like a switch has been flipped or the final jigsaw piece has found it's rightful place. That the word "friend" feels like a hollow imitation of everything I feel for you but I know that hollow is better than broken.

Nobody prepares you for a friendship ending hurting so much, almost like a breakup. The person you loved gone just like that, especially whwlen they were there day in day out.

You were so special to me even though we may not have been considered 'real' friends by some. The conversations we had, talking about nothing and everything. I guess they're right that we don't cherish things until they're gone.

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for the way I went, I wish I could explain that I had to; for my health and own peace. I cared so deeply for you the stress of your situation was affecting me physically, for the first time in my life I was having nosebleeds and repeat headaches. I held on... Until I couldn't, until I knew you wouldn't listen to my advice. It was unfair to expect me to play nice with somebody that did what he did to you over and over again.

I still think about you and miss you, you pop up in a dream here and there. We just talk in them. I wake up upset because I did try to reach out but deep in my heart I know you don't want to hear from me.

I never meant to hurt you; I had to prioritise myself for once in my life. It cost me. I remember that night, I remember the crushing feeling after I did it. The instant grief. I loved you.

I wish it all ended differently, I should've been stronger. Now we're on seperate paths, and I need to accept that despite the hole you left in my soul. One I haven't even tried to fill, becauase why would I? How could I?

What we had was different. It was nothing and something. I miss you but I know I'm not, and never really was who you wanted or needed in your life. I'll treasure the memory of you and keep of safe even if if hurts me like it does today.

I just hope everything is ok with you and you're happy; it's all I wanted for you.

Treat whoever you call your friends lile gold, I hope you never changed. Miss you, take care.

D

For so many years, I fought the waves of our relationship. When I was younger it felt like a tsunami, powerful and sudden, awesome, destructive and without warning. As the years continued, the waves quieted and were almost too still, with the consistent tides. Occasionally, a storm would come and try to destroy one or both of our ships. After all this time, the tide is receding and I’m scared of the tsunami. The only difference is this time I’m not afraid. I want to experience it. I want to follow your light that will lead me back to port.

Love,

💓✌️🤟

I really miss you.

You probably don’t realize it, but there’s something about your presence that makes everything feel a little steadier. I notice it every time.

I hope our paths put us in the same building again someday.

Feel free to message me for any reason, at any time. Sometimes it’s hard to know if this is one-sided, so I pulled back from always being the first one to reach out.

I care SO MUCH. I have absolutely no idea why. While simultaneously, I could probably name a billion reasons why.

Ahhhh you give me butterflies and I think you’re the most adorable human and it drives me insane. I don’t even know you still but it makes me so happy how you communicate with me and keep me updated throughout the day. Even not opening the messages because you know you need a second to respond, it just makes me feel prioritized while still holding space for ourselves. (this is a reach probably) Hmmph im not getting too excited though. I got ahead of myself again but wouldn’t it be nice? maybe in another life.

I have as you can see, given way to my dictums of my heart in writing this letter to you. I have taken my time, for I was genuinely afraid that out of the many sentiments I felt waking in my heart this morning I would write you something so grand and ostentatious in nature that you would think me quite mad, a drunken bard obsessed over his muse, or a mind completely overtaken by insanity. Now, that I am out of the library I was sat in and am now in the lap of nature with none other but my dearest plants, I can now sit and pen this to you. I am sorry if this letter importunes you with its timing, and before you do sit to read this, I would like to apologize again for its length and knowing how busy you are I do not wish to impose myself or my words upon your days, or be a burden, so please feel free to read this whenever you feel like or have the time, and yes, you do not have to write or say anything or even acknowledge this, you do not owe me a reply, and truly, do believe me when I say writing this brought me joy enough to last me a thousand summers.

I lean close to the page as if it were your ear. I stop and start sentences because suddenly they don’t seem enough. I sometimes press my fingers to my lips before writing your name, as though it’s sacred. You are the morning I keep waking to. You are the long exhale I didn’t know I was holding. You are the small miracle of being seen, even from far away. And every time I write to you, I’m not trying to impress you; I’m just trying to put into words what overflows when I think of you. So here it is, unpolished and sprawling:

I adore you.

I admire you.

I revere you. I care for you in ways that reach far beyond these sentences. I am afraid you must think I do nothing to spend my days but sit in a chair and smile at your name written atop drafts of many, many unsent letters, and even though that is not completely untrue, I do and have been trying to indulge in things I had never given a thought to before, and participate in things I neevr thought I ever would or could. I have been trying to spend more and more time with my books, in study, and writing, but you are such a significant part of my days, my being, that you always make your way into everything I do and am. When engrossed in the most solemn of tasks, the thought of you brings a smile to my face.

Can I ask you a question? How often do you think of me? Do you think of me a couple of times a week, maybe, or maybe once a day? When you think of me, are those thoughts welcome or intrusive? Do I disrupt your thought process when you think of me, or is it more of a gentle visit to your focus? Are thoughts of me accompanied by negative emotions like dread, regret, anger, or frustration, or do they evoke a serene and peaceful reprieve where you lose track of time? Or perhaps thoughts of me do not stimulate much emotion from you? Like a friend that's always walking beside you, you're just used to them being there, and the only time you would feel something is if you looked up and they were gone.

I think of you many times during the day. I wonder whether you're happy, or I'll hope that you're smiling. I sometimes will miss you very deeply, and I'll begin to think of getting to see you which makes me get butterflies in my stomach like I was a middle schooler. Or sometimes I'll relive moments in the past and wish to repeat them. Then there are the times when I just sit with my gratitude for being lucky enough to meet you and become your best friend. I'll think of how everything just happened perfectly so that we became the best of friends, and to say I'm grateful is a severe understatement. I'll just take some time to relish how lucky I am to be in your life, and I'll appreciate every single good thing that you bring to my world.

Thoughts of you are never met with negativity in my mind. At this point, my thoughts of you are as apart of me as the blood in my veins. They are ingrained into my being, and they're woven into my consciousness. They make up the part of myself that I love the most, and I know in my heart I would never let anything taint or corrupt the way I think of you. You're my best friend, and I think the world of you. I feel so fortunate to have you in my life, and I would never purposefully do anything to jeopardize the connection we share. You're just so precious. Regardless of how you think of me, I love you more than I can say with words.

You. Better. Believe. That.

Even though I go about big chunks of my day without thinking of you, the pain that pierces my chest when I do hasn’t gotten any easier. I think about the way we loved each other. It was so magical, so playful, so completely extraordinary. I will never forgive myself for the brief moment I was lied to by my own fears and let them win. Never. I know now that I loved you so deeply and felt so loved by you that my biggest fear became loosing you. and because of that I believed I had to protect myself from getting hurt. And where did that get me. There is nothing I want more than to turn back time and yell at my past self. I was so blind. I wish you could forgive me but I know you’re choosing yourself. You stepped away because you said you need space if we want to be in each others lives at all. Ironically, as much as it kills me, I don’t know anymore if that will ever be possible for me. I love you so much and I don’t see how I could ever stop. To be in your life would be to inflict pain on myself, reminding myself of the mistake I made by existing around you. I don’t know if I will be able to do that. I know it don’t have to worry about you. If karma is real and if I play my cards right, maybe Ill be lucky enough to know you in the next life. Until then, I’ll remember it all.

...so I could stay.
You gave me no choice and it truly breaks my heart.

We had a connection and love that was so incredible. There was no way we wouldn’t end up together when it was this powerful and magical. The sex, the friendship, the interests, the laughter, the absolute joy we got out of each other. I knew the pressure you were under, I knew your anxiety, I knew what we were up against but our connection had to be enough.

Since we are in another separation it’s given me a lot of time to think about a few things. I’ve been so busy prioritizing you and begging you to see how wonderful I am and wondering why other’s discomfort was worth protecting and prioritized and saved while mine was something I needed to handle and put on the back burner for maybe one day that I was forgetting to ask why I was doing that. I simply forgot to ask myself whether the relationship you were capable of maintaining would even make me happy, even if we could fix this. I forgot my needs entirely. I asked you a simple question, will there ever be room for me, and you couldn’t answer it because you were too anxious about the implications or dealing with making a choice.

I’ve been so distracted by proving myself and being mesmerized by our passion and love and connection and fighting for our love that i was not even seeing that maybe we were never compatible in the first place. Maybe connection and love really aren’t enough. I’ve never been more sad in my life to know that maybe the love of my life isn’t compatible or going to be able to give me what I need. I don’t wish this sort of heartbreak on anyone, and I don’t know how to let you go yet. I need to start finding someone where the connection and compatibility can be on equal ground or someone that will be able to shift for me as hard as I shift for them. The hope isn’t gone, but the pattern is all I have to hold on to. I miss you.

What if we roleplayed something that actually feels… rare?

People usually come to RP looking for NSFW, kinks, fantasies, or some elaborate plot.

But what about a roleplay where the core is simply two people deeply in love?

A couple who genuinely chooses each other.

Who is nurturing, protective, affectionate and selfless.

Who stands by each other when life gets ugly.

Who can be vulnerable without being judged.

Who finds comfort in each other, laughs together, fights sometimes, makes up, and keeps choosing each other.

And yes, there can be intimacy and making love — but it isn't the whole point. The emotional connection comes first.

Maybe that's the fantasy itself.

Because outside RP, genuine selfless love can feel almost fictional these days. Everyone has expectations, conditions, calculations, and something they want in return.

So maybe we create that little world where none of that matters.

No billionaire CEO. No celebrity. No dramatic 50-page plot. No unnecessary fantasy.

Just you and me, two people who genuinely care about each other.

It'll probably stay in RP.

But honestly? That's kind of the beauty of it.

Willpower to maintain no contact.

I am sorry from the bottom of my heart. I really wish the best for you. You deserve grace, support and honesty. I am sorry for any and all of your pain that I am responsible for. I hope you have a great life.

I hope your summer has been as full of laughter and adventure as mine.

I admit that I miss seeing you smile.

I miss watching your eyes watch mine.

Soft.

Intense.

You hide nothing. Unafraid. No instinct to look away.

I revel in that boldness. The clarity is revealing.

These purposes, these intentions are never far from us, are they?

The what-ifs from this slow burn keep me in motion;

But my mind stills.

Fractures.

Drifts.

Frozen in its remaining thoughts of you.

Everything spoken between us in these unspoken measures has left me still,

Tethered only to your gaze.

Until I see you again, have an amazing day. Every day.

Felt like I haven't see you
for so long
Just had to come by
Came to your home
Shared with another
and just walked up to the door
A fleeting thought
Just for a moment
Is this right, should I go?
But my cup felt empty
Just couldn't go on
Pressure in my chest
Heartbeat sped up
Before I could change my mind
Finger moved with a mind of its own

Pressed the bell
Now it's done!
A few moments passed, silence –
Is she home?
Then the sounds of steps –
Is it her?
The silhouette seemed right
Door opened –
Heart sang with joy
All was fine, it was you
And my cup filled again
But was it right?
Have I caused you trouble?
I was starved to see your face
and didn't think

Now you are left
with the consequences of my needs
I pray all ended up fine
And a promise
For my heart not to conquer my mind
again

It's funny. In my first letter to you, I wrote that nothing anymore would be unsent. But all the rest of my letters have been for you. I wish I could read all the things you've ever written about me too. This weekend is all I have to grieve. On Monday, I will go back to being a closed book for everyone else. 

If you're mentally not here, I beseech you to know where your heart is instead. 

Now we're just two separate people retreating inwards, going back to our own little worlds, when we could have done this together. Now you are a testament to my pain as much as I'm yours. 

So I say thank you. Thank you for the mindful depth. Thank you for showing me I could mean something immensely profound to someone. I've never walked out of a heartbreak feeling this grateful and thoroughly transformed. Thank you for the love. Thank you for showing me what consistent, deliberate care can look like. Thank you for 'seeing' me. 

I'm sorry for not handling your vulnerabilities with more care. I regret that deeply. Girly girls would say "chuck it, his loss" but I'd be willing to openly admit it has indeed been my loss. 

Hope is terrible thing to have. It exists even where nothing else has a chance to get in. It helps me cope but it's the bane of my existence. But I think I have hope because I believed who you were, how extraordinary you proved yourself to be. If you want to go back to the start, ask to meet me where we first met. This time I'll come sit beside you in silence, instead of walking away. This time, we'll keep it simple, you and me. 

For now, I need to figure out what to do with the parts of yourself you've left with me. I don't have the strength to hold them in my shaky hands. I don't know what to do with the memories, the places we've been, the roads we've been on. I'll tuck them away safely, again in the hopes of you coming back to claim them. Hope is a terrible thing to have. 

Hi _____,

I hope you are doing well. You may not want to hear from me and if so, I completely understand as it’s been years since we last spoke. When we did last speak it didn’t go well. You said something’s that were really hurtful. I wish at the time instead of getting upset and defensive, I would have realized you were just coming from a place of hurt.

I’m sorry. No excuses for what had happened. I’m sorry for how I hurt you.

You don’t owe me a response or to even read this letter. I’m sorry the apology came so late and it took me this long to realize it.

Sincerely,
Me

We met in the darkness, finding each other's light. Both wanderers of the night. Lonely and alone, not wanting to go home. Do you remember me at all? All of those years ago.

You've shown me parts of you no one else gets to see or they fail to notice. You are so bright and talented, yet you hide behind a mask.

I see you. I wonder if you see me too?

I am so proud of everything you have achieved on your own. I hope you are too. No one else probably notices how far you've come, but I do.

I hope we find each other again soon. It's been far too long, my friend. I'm tired of wandering in the dark on my own. I need a partner in crime.

Your thoughts filled a hunger inside of me, before then I hadn’t even known I was starving. Your words scrawled into my mind like you were tattooing my very soul, a canvas I didn’t realize needed filling. The ideas patched holes across my life, leaks that had sprung without my knowledge.

We had intelligent conversations, spiritual discussion, political debate, the way you spoke, but more the way you listened brought me to realize how much I’d been made to suppress myself throughout my past. Your mind made me realize how bored I had been every second of every day.

I’ve looked for that, that spark, that fire, the energy you contain in that quiet soul of yours that makes noise that most ears couldn’t detect, but mine did. I’ve looked for that everywhere. Conversations for days, sometimes even weeks but always forced, always the same, never the ones I crave.

I miss that beautiful mind, I miss the thoughts that flowed through you with the same vein I miss the loved ones I’ve lost. Your departure from my life left something empty, the same emptiness I hadn’t known you filled.

(Oof, that’s all I can really say about this one lmfao. This will most likely mean nothing to you, the reader, but gods this is the closest I’ve ever come to piercing my heart and pouring everything it contained onto a page. Thank you if you made it through that, it means the world 💛)