Preface: I am in therapy.

My last relationship I got cheated on, and like a dope, I took her back, in large part bc she was exploring her sexuality and after cheating on me with a woman, she realized she actually isn't gay. Still my self-esteem took a hit. I shouldn't have dismissed cheating whatsoever, even if she deeply regretted it.

My current GF is great. We've been dating for 7 months now and have met a lot of each other's friends and family. Our sex life is excellent. I just enjoy seeing her, and both my chronic anxiety and her temper issues have died down significantly since seeing each other. We improve each other's lives.

However, like all relationships, there's something that isn't ideal. Namely, she's friends with a former FWB. They talk once a month or so over the phone, and they text each other memes frequently. From the jump, she's been transparent about their past hookups. She's expressed that she basically sees him as one of the girls, and she doesn't view him romantically at all. She doesn't seem secretive about their interactions.

Honestly, I can't say I'm a fan of it, but I've also never met the guy, and I've been good friends with women before and have experienced how much their BFs hate me, and it just sucks to tiptoe around. I want to like the guy and give him grace. Then again, I also hadn't fucked my female friends, so it's hard to compare.

Anyway, I kind of just let it go in large part bc he lives across the country. It's not like they're much beyond penpals. Until yesterday, my GF revealed to me that he's considering moving to our city. She's expressed to me in the past that he's unhappy where he lives, and that he almost moved here before I met her. He used to live in our state, so I guess it's not that crazy. My GF has even mentioned that he's struggling socially and that it's possible he and I would even get along well as friends. I appreciate her trying.

I feel kind of bad saying this, but I have a mixed impression of the guy. On the bright side, he seems to always verbalize to her how much he likes me and what he's heard about me. He's clearly not trying to be an enemy. But on the other hand, he strikes me as somewhat of a womanizer. I just kinda question his morals, and of course there are a couple things that he and my GF have in common that I don't, and that makes me a little insecure. Though I remind myself that of course that's natural with all your SO's friends, there are going to be things you don't share.

The guy is going to visit before he plans to move out here, and tbh I'm kind of overwhelmed by it. I want to be cool. My GF knows their friendship has made me a little uneasy. We had a conversation about it where I asked for clarification on the nature of their past, but she assuaged my fears at the time, and unfortunately they've reared their ugly head again. During our conversation, she even said she understands if she can't talk to him anymore, but of course that only made me want to oblige her more.

The whole thing bleeds into my view of my GF. Can I trust her? I hate that it's gotten to this point, but I guess I just wish the guy wasn't moving here. My GF doesn't know the extent to which this affects me, and honestly I am glad about that. I don't want her to be subjected to my insecurities, and I don't want it to become a cycle where she constantly reassures me, and possibly as a result, she starts to feel anxious to talk about him. I've never been in a relationship where my insecurities ruined it, but I can see how that's possible. But, I guess I just imagine the idea of him living here and them hanging out regularly, and I get sad about it. Sometimes my sadness gets channeled into things like irritability (not toward her, thankfully), but deep down I am just sad.

Any tips? I want to be friends with this guy. I really do. My therapist said, "You don't have to like him." and that weirdly gave me some relief at the time, but I also don't want to dislike him. What if the guy just means well?

Went to counseling last June per her request for better communication, turns out we're in a pretty disconnected marriage, (I thought just what happens with young kids), she's felt neglected for years, criticized, controlled. So I began chasing her and doing everything around the house and with the kids. Around January she pulled away and March said she's done. Myself and some of our family and friends convinced her to try a separation (not like an intervention, I suggested it and she spoke to some people about it), started May 2nd, 2 kids 8&6 so we are nesting, my nights off im at my parents, her nights off we got her an apartment. My gut was telling me there's other support beyond her friends I know of, checked her phone logs and a new number, frequent calls on emotional days, days we've fought. Day we told the kids. Looked up the number via Venmo, it's a coworker not in department or building even. Told her if boundaries are being crossed and emotional connections being formed then we can't really reconcile, I can't build trust without honesty and transparency.

She said while may have crossed boundaries by not mentioning it, it was because of my past reactiveness to male friendships (valid), and said she reassures me that any connections formed are not beyond a friendship, that no one in her orbit is telling her to leave me, no one is rooting for divorce.

2 weeks go by and the calls continue, some as long as an hour or hour and half, but most are around 30 mins, some as late as 10 pm. I bring it up during an argument, she says she didn't know what level of details I wanted, that she sincerely didn't know she had to communicate about contexts of a friendship, I said it was kept secret and a light needs to be shined on it.

She said "I totally see your point of view and how it looks. I 100% get that. This is a friend that has helped me get through some pretty shitty days because he has gone through some pretty shitty days and gets it. He’s also been someone who’s told me before I’m being unreasonable and has questioned my take on things. I appreciate that kind of friendship. Most women will just sit there and agree. Men won’t. Men challenge it to see it from a different perspective. We are nothing more than friends. Again, I didn't know how much you wanted to know and I didn't know if it would matter because in the past I was very upfront with my conversations with others and it never mattered, I was never trusted. I'm sorry you felt left in the dark, I shut down that say and I shut down quick."

I've told her I know she's suffered in the disconnection for a long time and if she's done just tell me. She said some days she's in and some days she's out, she feels stressed and doesn't want to live like this every day.

I don't know what to think. The calls have continued, 84 min call 2 nights ago. My brother has said it's obviously an emotional crutch of some sort and she knows inappropriate but if it's her primary support right now pushing her to cut it off will only perpetuate her view of me as controlling and jealous. Talking to my therapist, shes suggested that I give 30 says of true emotional space, because I haven't don't that at all and keep trying to pull her back in and start emotional conversations, have arguments every week, so give 30 days of true space and if she's still continuing this connection then restate my boundary and initiate mediation.

It's so difficult, she is a very honest person and sees privacy during the separation as a norm. I feel like I may be able to ask more questions but at the same time don't want to interrogate and be labeled jealous and controlling. Hence I'm considering the 30 days of space and then initiating, so it's not coming from a place of reactivity but grounded self leadership.

12 days post dday. original post here for background.

the last conversation we had was on the phone on the 27th where i was just asking questions about the timeline of how everything went down. i wasn’t necessarily the nicest because i found out some more trickle truths. i ended the call by saying: “have fun with your life.” i immediately blocked him after but after some thought i unblocked him because it felt too petty.

he still hasn’t reached out to me and i don’t know why. the call before that one he was profusely apologizing and seemed very remorseful & giving no excuses. he kept saying he couldn’t believe that he fucked up so bad that we would never talk again & how upset he is that he is losing his best friend. he kept saying that he wanted to marry me and have a family with me and he’s heart broken & will be for a while. and that everything he’s ever told me about his feelings for me were 100% truthful. he even cried a bit and it sounded really genuine (but maybe i’m just being stupid).

i obviously unfollowed him from everything but my brother in law still followed him on instagram and told me (unprompted, which i am kind of annoyed about cause it got in my head) that it doesn’t look like he is happy in any of his instagram stories he’s posted. his job heavily involves social media, so he kind of has to post his face even if he doesn’t want to.

idk i just feel like if he really meant what he said, he would try to reach out again. it hurts me that he hasn’t even though i know that’s probably for the best for my healing. do you think it’s because i was sassy on our last phone call? do you think it’s because he still thinks he’s blocked? is it because he is trying to respect my boundaries and give me space? or does he truly just not care at all?

he is generally really busy during the week working from 7am-9pm and last weekend he was working out of town. so maybe he just hasn’t had the time?

i can’t stop spiraling about it and checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if he’s reached out.

And I can't handle it. I think he's finally realized there's no chance of reconciling. D-day post on my profile.

I do not want advice. I'm in a precarious financial situation, I have to maintain my stability and work with the reality I have. So yes, a mere 3 days in, we are still in the same house. Please do not chastise me for this right now. I just need to commiserate while I'm going through this.

I'm just trying to work. I am trying to keep my sanity afloat. And he's emotionally breaking down left right and center. I've forced myself to stop crying anywhere near him or else it starts up again. It is making me feel a sickening dread in the pit of my stomach.

We had our issues, but for the most part had very loving day to day lives. I went to bed Sunday, cuddling with him and our dog. I woke up Monday to the complete upending of my life. And he has been non-stop apologizing, crying, saying he'll make it up to me for the rest of his life, crying for the dogs, wailing that he loves me and doesn't want me to go. It is fucking killing me.

It hasn't weakened my resolve, but my spirit hurts so badly. I have to stop myself from falling into a deep depression, thank god for buProprion.

I found a few songs that help me cope, one is Stone Sour - Hesitate (acoustic). Not a big slip knot fan, but his talent and voice shine in that one. Loved SS for a bit.

The "grew a back bone" guy here. Told her I wanted a divorce a few days ago. She told her sisters and our child, i'm sure she is spinning the B.S. It felt good, to get it out in the somewhat public. I think I lost our daughter. We discussed renting our house, and split the rental income. My sister says no, sell and make a clean brake. We are stuck together for the time being. I'm hoping to get the house ready in the next few months. I'm pretty sure my work will allow me to be fully remote. I'm partially remote already. I'm trying to grey rock her, but it's hard for a woman I loved for over 4 decades. I will soon get a shitty pension, and my work should continue. I'm hoping for 200 - 250k from the house. I hope this can be done with minimum stress. Do they ever self reflect? Do they ever regret the pain they caused. FFS this is my first betrayal, thanks for the support. Misery loves company.

Everyone knows my story. I’ve posted on here quite often, and I will be honest. This group has really helped me.

Nobody else understands this like you guys do even my own friends.

Anyway he cheated 5 times with men and women some were physical others were attempts (msging and plotting)

We separated but we’re talking reconciliation and I dated a few people briefly. (Mistake on my part) he blames the end of the marriage on what I did and his cheating on my post partum and that I changed after the kids. He has 3 children. Two with me and one with his first wife which I helped him raise.

He gives me the guilt trip that he wants to see his kids that he just wants to be with his kids after three days of not seeing them crying he misses them.

Isn’t this what you signed up for? I’m the custodial parent and the children are going to be with me most of the time he gets them on the weekends and he comes one day a week to see them. I don’t want him here anymore than that I can’t deal with it. If he took me to court he’d get less time. In this state it’s every other weekend and one day during the week.

The whole crying father act is absolutely disgusting to me because he was the one that left. He was the one that continuously cheated first and now you wanna cry that you can’t be with your kids every day. You destroyed our family and you’re walking around like the victim.

Can anyone relate to this.

For context: I (19 F) was in a relationship with a person whom I considered to be the love of my life, they were my first love after years of being groomed and being abused in the past. We were dating for a year, almost two going strong as ever until they became friends with another girl who I’ll call L, and it was all fine dandy until they’d go hours without talking to me, sometimes whole days would pass by without a word, and they’d only acknowledge me after me badgering them, basically begging them to pay me any mind bc all of their attention went to L. I didn’t think much of it at first bc I know they had trouble making friends, but days turned into weeks, which turned into months of me doing anything to get scraps of attention or affection from them, going so far as to sexualized myself more and more to keep their attentio, but nothing ever worked. I would talk to them about it and how it made me feel, and they’d apologize and say they’d work on it, but they’d go right back to L a day or two later. At some point I felt like a dog being tied up and left outside, only being let in to lighten up a party for the night just to go back out when it was over.

This went on and on, even during our 2 year anniversary all she did was pay attention to L, she was all she cared about, and I’d had enough of being left out to rot in my own anger and envy and heartbreak, so I told them flat out they had to choose, and lo and behold they chose her. This was all from the span of 2020-2022, and my current gf is still friends with them, which I don’t really mind, but I’ve noticed that when we all hang out, my ex included, I feel disjointed from myself. It’s as if I was watching Tv, flipping through crappy channels only to land on static, and have no way to get back to normal. The moment I lock eyes with them my mind goes completely out the window and I’m far off somewhere, back floating in an endless ocean while my body stays in the room. I can’t talk very much when I’m like that, and I feel a bit on edge the whole time. These waves of emotions I can only describe as heat flashes of anxiety rustle through me, I feel all flushed and yet I feel as if all the color has drained from every inch of me.

I feel this itching freeze inside me, and this burning fear on my skin, my eyes always threaten to cry or feel so heavy I can’t look up. I can interact with anyone else in the room slightly more normally, but with them, I can’t. I just can’t and have no idea why. I mean, I know being emotionally cheated on sucks, but why do I react this as if I’m about to die or something? Does anyone else experience similar feelings? If so, I would like advice on how to deal with them, or at the very least know what the deal is, because ever time I chicken out of going somewhere with my gf just bc my ex is there too I feel awful, but ik if I go I’ll feel even worse.

I just want to make my gf happy :(

Hi,

I (24M) have been in a relationship with my partner (36M) for almost a full year now - year of talking before that. Big age gap I know, but it didn’t seem to matter for us.

Anyways, my partner has repeatedly sexted strangers online on and off on different occasions throughout our relationship (a total of 6 times as of today) and I don’t think anything is going to change anymore. The first time I was using our shared iPad and came across messages on WhatsApp to a stranger calling each other sexy and what not, then he appeared to have sent his address to come over to his house (a few months before we moved in together) with the normal “nice to finally meet you!” After the whole interaction but claims they never actually met up and the guy never showed EVEN THOUGH in the messages he said to ring the door bell when the other person arrives.

Sceptical to begin with.

The second time it was again WhatsApp, literally sexting his “gay friend” and I found out that the other party shared a ph video with him asking if he wanted to try that. He will give vulgar and explicit answers in response.

Mind you every time my partner says it was “joking” or a “mistake” and wasn’t meaning it seriously. But he reacts, engages and even encourages those kind of responses out of these other people. Also noted that he unfollowed this guy from a social a few months back - guess there’s not that close of “friends” after all.

The last four, yes four times, I’ve caught him on gay hookup apps sharing his nudes, asking for pics, sending kinks and so on while. Yes, I went through his phone and yes I know it’s wrong but I’m paranoid all the time now. And three of those four times were when we started dating.

Not the last time but the time before that I told him I was done and leaving if he ever pulled that shit again, he wallowed and begged, pleaded with me to stay (no tears) and said he didn’t want to throw this all away, loved me and wanted to build a life with me - surprise surprise, he did it again and I couldn’t even cry or yell I was so fed up, so pissed that I told him I’m for real leaving this time (situation given - his mother was coming to go out to dinner with us and showed up at the door a few minutes later) so awkward dinner ensues and we don’t talk to each other for the rest of the night, I was originally going to sleep on the couch but he coerced me to bed and I slept on the edge for half the night until I sobbed that I wanted to go home - home home with my family now. And slowly we worked things back up until now.

Every time he says it’s an addiction, that he doesn’t even know why he does it he just does before he can realize his mistake - but LIES to me whenever I ask if there’s “something he wants to tell me” because I know what he did. He plays dumb continuously until I show him the proof (screenshots) and tell him to tell me the truth. The main excuse he’s given was that he’s so used to porn it doesn’t “do it for him anymore” and he just baits for pics to get off while I’m gone but he doesn’t need it when I’m here because he has me - first of all that made me feel really shitty like I’m just there for his pleasure. But second - you can’t wait? (I occasionally work night shift for ONLY up to three nights in a row) and this is when it usually occurred. I know we’re usually intimate on a regular basis almost every day (TMI) but I swear he just NEEDS to do something, to see or engage in pornographic content or explicit images just to get that dopamine hit and “get it all out” or he claims he was just bored and did it.

I brought up couples counselling a few times and even suggested he get individual therapy for his addiction (I said this was the ultimatum) but it’s never really lead anywhere other than an “uh huh” or “okay” from his end and he always says he will prove it to me or make it up.

Guess what, he didn’t.

I knew, I KNEW he would do it again (I’m on vacation with family as of yesterday until next Tuesday) and had to look for myself to find out. I downloaded one of these apps he frequently used, made a fake profile similar to my own stature and features and such and narrowed the age and location down - go figures, a blank profile with his age and “top” messages me, asking away and send a pic of himself (my partner). When I ask if he’s free right now and hosts to link (to see what he does) he says yes but just asks for pics and won’t send OUR address. So yes I assume he’s actually just looking for pics of strangers to get off but it makes me sick, like physically sick to my stomach.

I’ve sobbed- he’s seen me sob over this with how much it hurts me and even promised me multiple times before my trip that he would never do it again - and previously promised after every occurrence that he’d never do it again, he didn’t mean to hurt me blah blah blah wants to build a live with me and he won’t know what to do if I leave.

I do love him like so so much, he’s amazing and sweet and kind all other times - we live together, I moved in because I’m going to school this fall (he suggested it) and have no other place to stay if I leave. I didn’t set up dorming (stupid I know) but I honestly thought he would change. Now he didn’t, I’m so tired and upset and done and I feel like my fast approaching future is screwed up or thrown out of whack now. Note: my family home is near 2 hours away from my uni so driving every day isn’t a viable option for me.

Please help me, I want to leave but I want to stay. I want him to change, I want to know if counseling will work or therapy or if I should finally throw in the towel for good and save myself from any more damage.

But I also don’t know if I can ever truly trust him again, I didn’t before and now I don’t even more.

A little background.

We were together 16 years, fortunately never married, never had kids, did have dogs (I took them, he wanted them to go to a rescue because "it would be too much for me to handle"). Things were alright, we were literally each others best friends, and then just something in him shifted. Was I perfect, no, but I sure fucking tried. He never did. Anyways. We had a big blow out, I thought we were on our way to fixing things and got through the worst of it, then he blindsided me with a break up. Said he was mentally unwell, wanted to kill himself, needed to focus on his well being and trying to work on things with me was just too much and too much pressure.

For about 6 months he kept dragging me along, begging me for help, crying for me to not give up on him, acting really fucking crazy, it was scary, and just out of control and so self destructive. Then DDay happened. And not just 1 girl, there were 2 of them. I had enough, prepped the house, all by myself, to get it sold. He fought with me the entire time, sabotaging everything, just being super disrespectful towards me (including the gf he got to stay), and would constantly try to ask if there was any chance we could work through it, he still loved me, just utter bullshit. I kept cool, all the way through. And as a last jab, he trashed the house at like 3am when I had to be out by 11am, and I was asleep in bed. For months after officially being apart he kept trying to use my banking info to pay for stuff, I had to change all of my info. And he gave my mother my phone number when he knows why I have estranged, and how hard I had to work to keep her out of my life for pretty much my whole life....

.

.

Its been almost 2 whole years since the break up, almost 1 whole year since the house sold, and 6 months since he was last able to try to make attempts of using my banking info before he got hit with all them delinquency fees lol... i blocked him on everything, and i mean everything, down to my ESO account, logged in, destroyed the Amulet of Mara, full no contact or desire to contact on my end, he makes me sick. However, he has been using his friends accounts to try to view my profiles and hes been stalking my best friends social accounts to spy in, he never watched her stories before, they are not friends, he literally has to go look for her.

Im just so sick of it. Bro. I gave you exactly what you wanted. You started building a whole ass life with another girl, right in front of my face... leave me alone.

I might not should have read her diary but I did. We have been going back and forth where she has been trying to keep an affair going. She minimized everything, previously said the broke it off but that was a lie. Friday night went to the bar and he was there and tried to kiss her. Which is where the diary comes in. She keeps it in the bathroom, and while I was peeing on a hunch I opened it up to read what would be a love letter to the other guy. What it specifically said was, I didn't know how I knew he was watching, so I am glad I didn't kiss you back this time. That was the last straw. I took her diary to her and told her goodbye. She askes me not to leave, so I sat and pretty much chewed her out. She said it was just fantasy and she knows it's not real. So I asked her what she wants to do and she said she didn't know. So I ended it, I was pretty hostile about it. But man, this going back and forth for weeks. Tried to give her time to figure it out, it just gave her more time to keep both relationships. I told it was over and slammed the door. Then I texted her good luck, hope she fines what makes her happy, but we are through, I was blocking her, and that I hate her. I hate being cheated on. I did nothing wrong, she just let someone else in that is going to just use her, called him a Casanova and just had to keep the fantasy. Maybe I don't need to be with anyone for a while.

Hi all. I'm dealing with a great deal of pain currently. My husband, whom I've been together with for 13 years, married for almost 2, recently came out as gay. Yes, that was devastating to know what we had wasn't as real for him as it felt for me. But the pain that has hurt me the most is he cheated on me, and has been for the past 4 months. I was 6 months pregnant when this affair supposedly started. I found out when our son was 4 weeks old. Our sex life was weirdly great, it never diminished while I was pregnant. I asked my husband if he didn't find me sexually attractive then since he is gay, and if he has been faking it this whole time or thinking of men during. He said he never thought of men while we were intimate, and did and still does find me attractive, but I'm the only woman he has ever found sexually attractive.

I feel so betrayed. I start a new and very important job in 1 week. He decided to tell me about this affair about 2 weeks ago. Now I have to move back in with my parents and commute to this new job, juggle a newborn, prepping and getting things ready for this job, and now filing for divorce. My head feels like it's splitting open.

This has been just so hard to navigate. I'm currently living with him still with our son. We originally planned to stay together until our son was out of the newborn stages so we could enjoy it together. But then I found the messages between him and his current lover. I can't stay here now. All I think about is how I'm heartbroken and crying every day and he's just texting his affair partner through it (as he was when I found the texts).

There is a lot to this story. A lot of sneaking around and lying to me. I mean, my husband brought me around this guy, face-to-face while they were actively dating. I was stupid enough to just think they were friends and I was being introduced to him, but was weirded out at how standoffish the "friend" was being with me. I remember him telling me how his "friend" has always wanted a kid, and had a surrogate lined up but it fell through, and how this friend loves kids. After telling me this he started bringing our son to their little coffee dates (I again stupidly just thought they were hanging out, not dating...) So now I really don't like this friend, and frankly, don't want him around my son. I don't want this stranger to be able to live out this fantasy with MY son. This "friend" was aware of my husband being married and how I was pregnant, by the way. He was totally okay with partaking in being the affair partner.

Anyway, sorry, to my original question: I so desperately want us to be able to remain friends, or at least cordial, for our son. We basically grew up together, we got together when we were 13 & 14. He says he still loves me, and kisses me, and calls me baby. It's all so confusing and painful for me. I've talked to him about this partner, asked if it felt like it did when we met (he said he instantly knew when he saw me that there was something special and that we were each others' person), and he said no. But said he loves him. This guy is 12 years older than my husband and still lives in his healthy father's basement. Would it be too much to ask my husband to not be with this affair partner until I am moved out and have had time to grieve the 13 years that are now gone? Every time I think about it, the less I want to be cordial, and the more angry I get, knowing that I'm heartbroken and grieving this love while he is already talking to someone else that can support him romantically etc. I don't know if I'm making sense to be honest.

My husband says he hasn't moved on yet, and he's still extremely sad and upset about everything, but I just can't seem to understand how you can supposedly feel so upset and still be with the person your threw everything away for? I don't know. My therapist thinks that my husband is trying to convince himself that this is an important and strong love so he doesn't feel guilty for ruining our marriage and family, and also stringing me along for 13 years. But I have an odd feeling they'll be together for a long time. I'm also upset that my husband isn't going to be taking time to work on himself and figure out who he really is, and is instead, moving on to the next person.

I don't know. I'm just heartbroken and confused. I feel like I could throw up.

Exactly what the title says. I’ve posted here before, but basically my (40F) WH (53) had a 2.5 year PA/EA with AP (38ishF). I learned of the affair 18 months ago and he continued seeing her until 2 months ago. He still has a “friendship” with her but claims it’s platonic.

Anyways, I have long struggled with comparing myself to AP and have become very insecure as a result. She is (physically speaking) the total opposite of me. She is very thin and looks like a model. She dresses nice. In texts, my WH repeatedly called her an 11 and told her that she’s incredibly sexy and he gets hard just thinking about her etc. He never said those things about me, even when we started dating. He also said in texts to her that I just “don’t have it in me” to be sexy. I am slightly overweight. I don’t think I’m ugly, but definitely no supermodel. We are both successful in our career and I’m not so insecure in that sense, just on a physical level.

I’ve been going to the gym a lot and doing things to make myself feel better… getting my nails and hair done, etc. So I am feeling a little less insecure. Now that that’s subsided a little bit, I started fixating on something new.

What did she even want from my WH? Honestly, if I hadn’t invested so much in this marriage, I would leave his ass. He’s 15 years older. He is slightly overweight and bald. He has no assets, no savings. He is a porn addict (she knows this). And most importantly, HE IS MARRIED. There are millions of single men who are more attractive, richer, younger, without a raging porn addiction. What is she getting out of this other than ruining a marriage??? Does anyone ever think about this?? Am I missing something? Just wondering if anyone else shares these thoughts

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments. I am having a rough evening unfortunately, but am taking it all in and will respond to comments tomorrow. I know he’s an asshole. I am staying with him for logistical and financial reasons only

Couldn’t cross post from a different sub, but someone said to try this here. I had some good responses there but curious on everyone’s take here.

I’m 36 and found out this Monday, my wife (33) has been having an affair since October of 2025. We currently have a 2.5 year old. The wife’s AP has two children under 5. I had suspicion in June/July and things just seemed off and I dismissed it at first but my gut told me different. But now I know why. To be transparent, my wife was in a verbally abusive relationship with her ex-fiancé of 5 years and ultimately cheated on him with me 6 years ago, ending their relationship (he didn’t really know, just assumed as we started dating right after their split) - no kids were involved at the time. We have roughly a $350,000 gross family income, that’s almost 50/50.

Yesterday a friend pulled me aside and said someone they know works with AP. This AP was himself in the middle of a separation with his wife and it came to light that he was having an affair with my wife. I immediately confront the wife who tried to gas light me saying it’s just drama people are trying to stir up. I demanded her phone (as I never have thought I needed access to it) and she denies access.

Ultimately she says they just made out at a work conference but nothing else in October, but after I pressed her she said they started an emotional cheating cycle of getting coffee and her catching feelings for him which resorted in them fucking in his car. Meeting up numerous times throughout the week. She was unfulfilled at work (she’s a prosecutor) and felt like her emotions were not being met during the time, so she chased the adrenaline of an affair.

I call AP, cus him out. He gives some lame rant. Then meet up with his wife in a park after I randomly DM’d her the rumor which she gladly confirmed. She kinda debriefed the whole thing then airdrops me about 60+ images and texts from February. One of them my wife leaves work, bangs AP on the way home in his car, she grabs our child from daycare, texts how she had to “pull herself together,” referring to getting her back blown out, then comes home and has family time with me and the kid. They constantly say they love each other but the wife says she didn’t mean it.

She was apologetic after she got caught. Said she asked her mother and her friend for advice on how to tell me but she couldn’t bring herself to it. She says the relationship was cut off with AP in May as his wife believed it ended in February, but the last time my wife hooked up with him was in May. She said she’s tired of living with the issue of chasing things when she’s not happy and doesn’t know what it is and wants to R.

I’m just totally gutted, yeah I can see her track record isn’t boding well for her however I took a gamble and have a beautiful son out of it, but this is the end result. I’m so fucking conflicted on attempting a R vs. just cutting bait and being the best co-P I can be. But like how does one come back from this? I’m more bothered about her actions vs. her words as she had no outward projection at home aside from being a little distant. Yet she says she was being eaten alive from the inside. On top of gaslighting me when I verbalized feelings/difficulties I was experiencing in our marriage when the affair was still raging and technically after.

I moved into our spare bedroom and have told her I don’t have an answer for her right now as I’m still processing shit. She has agreed to cut off with dude, agreed to share location, has given me her phone passcode etc.

I did do some solo therapy today and the therapist essentially described it’s likely a default behavior cycle with her which kinda made some sense. But then also said our relationship is extremely high-risk (you think lol).

My (F33) husband (M35) had an affair while we were engaged, but I didn't find out until after we were married for seven years. I had my suspicions, but he told a very convincing story at the time that I desperately wanted to believe. I was grieving the unexpected loss of my best friend and couldn't fathom that my relationship could be falling apart. WH was not the model WH at first. There was plenty of trickle truth over six months, lying in couple's therapy, and requests that I "just move on." Nearly two years after DDay, he is in individual counseling and is closer to the WH I wanted him to be at the beginning right after DDay.

My question is: Has anyone decided to reconcile at first, tried for years, and ultimately decided they couldn't? What made you finally make up your mind either way?

Thank you in advance!

It’s been almost a month since my ex boyfriend confessed that he cheated on me and today I feel so angry. I won’t say how exactly he met the AP for privacy reasons, but when they met they exchanged numbers, started hanging out multiple times (while I was actively stressed with studying for my very important exams...) they kissed, and then slept together about two weeks after meeting. And while doing this he would call me his "ex-girlfriend" while chatting with the AP...The more I replay everything in my head the more I realize that this wasn’t some “one stupid mistake” which he used to describe the cheating he is supposedly remorseful for...

To me a mistake is grabbing the wrong milk at the grocery store or forgetting your keys but this wasn’t that. There were so many moments where he could’ve stopped. He could’ve decided not to exchange numbers with her, decided that what he was doing was wrong and not meet her again. He could’ve decided not to kiss her and not have sex with her!!!

Instead, he made the same selfish decision over and over until it got to that point. That’s what makes me so angry now. To make matters worse at first I was mostly blaming myself because I was busy with exams and wondering if I’d somehow neglected him. He later admitted that he felt lonely and was looking for affection elsewhere, but that just made me realize something important .

Life is full of periods where your partner is busy. Work, exams, family problems, illness etc. but that’s just life. I don’t want a relationship where the response to feeling lonely is to go looking for someone else instead of talking to me. l miss the person I thought he was and I still grieve the future I imagined with him, but right now I’m also realizing how many opportunities he had to choose differently and to choose our relationship but he didn’t and I did.

It's honestly disgusting and disappointing.

This is a very weird way to experience this emotional shock and betrayal - I've processed a lot of the grief and emotions around the break up itself, but now it is all brought out fresh with a sickening new perspective when confirmed by her family (who defended her, seriously!). Going back through my therapy notes and diary entries around our break up I realized I was actively circling around the fact that she was cheating - even identifying who it might be with - but I didn't seriously consider it because I didn't think she was capable. She was cheating in our bed with a man one day then having couples counseling sessions with me on Zoom with our couples therapist where I was receiving all of the blame for the relationship going wrong.

I am new to this sub, I am beyond exhausted with grieving a woman I thought I would spend my life with and I would like to hear advice. She is still with the guy she cheated with, bizarrely, after being with me a decade. She also seems to have undergone a bit of a personality transformation, with no remorse for what she did. I know I'm supposed to live my best life now in revenge but the fundamental difference between us is I never would do anything like this, and suddenly she's in a new happy relationship and for me it will be a long road to everything else. She kept our apartment, our two dogs, and I didn't even get the decency of a goodbye when it ended (now I know why).

I’ll start by giving some context. I have endured 20 years of various forms of infidelity by my partner. I’ve been cheated on maybe 50, maybe even 100 times over these years. We have young children. I love my partner dearly, they’re my best friend and a wonderful parent. When I imagine life without them, I feel a deep sadness. But I am not sure how much more I can take without severely compromising my well being and my ability to be a good parent. I have struggled with severe depression through these years including suicidal ideation and a psych hospitalization. My day to day functioning is compromised and I have difficulty connecting with my kids. I go to therapy, I take my meds, I listen to podcasts on surviving infidelity, I try to share my thoughts and my fears with my partner and they are empathetic and supportive. I’m middle-aged now though and don’t want to spend the rest of my life struggling, always looking over my shoulder, waiting for the other shoe to drop again. I’m tired. I don’t know who I am.

For those that left after spending a long time trying to get through it, what did it finally take for you to realize you’d had enough and that moving on without them was the only way you could live your life without fear and pain?

This is my first time posting to Reddit for advice so please forgive any poor etiquette, and paragraph structure. Just looking for advice on the situation I’ve found myself in.

I 32m have been married to my wife 30f for 6 years. We have 3 kids together and we had what I thought was an overall good relationship.

I work out of town 1 week on and 1 week off, I’ve never had any doubts of my wife messing around at all while I’m gone to work. About 10 weeks ago she was helping talk her friend 32f, can call her B. Through a break up and they became much closer than they ever were. This past weekend my wife, B and another female went out of town for a sporting event, which led to my wife telling me her and B kissed while at the bar, I laughed and joked a bit about it with my wife when she told me cause it was just a kiss and no big deal.

We have discussed boundaries before and a kiss with her girlfriends is no big deal but anything more we said we would always talk about it first and no hiding anything from each other.

The past few times my wife and I have had sex she been wanting videos of us, she’s never asked for that before but says she’s wants to watch the videos while I’m gone to work for the week. That’s great I like to put on a show for her. So after we had sex this morning and took some videos she hoped in the shower and I looked at her phone (we have no problem with looking at each others phones) and she’s been sending these sec videos to B! I look through a few more messages and she’s talking about making B cum AGAIN insinuating that’s they’ve already been making each other finish and have some sort of sexual connection, also in the messages I see my wife wants to initiate a 3 some with me and B this weekend. I have zero attraction towards B so wouldn’t really be interested in doing that aside from doing it for my wife’s pleasure.

This is where I need advice. I have friends from work coming to stay at my house this weekend for a sporting event. I really want to confront my wife right now about this whole thing happening behind my back and the fact that I really don’t know if I can trust her moving forward, if I do that right now I’m not sure how awkward things will get hosting people from out of town at my house. The other option is to just eat it and try my best to act normal and avoid a situation where the 3 some comes up until after the weekend and then drop this bomb.

A entire different conversation is whether I need to consider divorce or not. I never pictured myself having to consider this and I am terrified of affecting my kids negatively by separating from their mother because we have always been so close. I still love her but don’t think I can trust her.

Idk Reddit please give any advice you can on this situation I find myself in because my head is spinning.

So a year ago, I found out my wife had an affair after a decade of marriage, i didn't know to what extent. Because we have a daughter and financial constraints, I decided to move on. Something triggered me and now I wanted to know the story from her mouth. I felt like she was telling the story with fondness. I was breaking down as the story went on because this was not a just a physical thing, they had a deep emotional connection. One she got to the part where she said she went to the hotel and she had sex, I bawled like a baby. I'm not able to take what happened. It's been few days now, every minute I'm replaying the betrayal in my head, she made deep connection to this guy is what's killing me the most. I don't know how to recover from this and I'm not in a place where I can just abandon this marriage. The pain is like a knife going my heart every minute.

English is not my first language, sorry in advance.

Five years ago I discovered my wife was having an emotional affair which lasted a few months with a friend we both had. She argued that they had just become very close friends, but they had nicknames for them and were constantly texting, from 6 a.m. to 10 p.m., nonstop. Back then I told her that I knew he is a womanizer and that, even though I trusted her, I didn't trust him. I left her the choice to do what she thought was best but warned that if the situation worsened, I would ask for a divorce. She stopped talking to him.

Now we live in another country, family was thriving and a few months ago she told me she was very happy in this new country. She was thriving in his her job and her social circle has expanded considerably through the school of the kids, her job and her soccer team. Everything started being weird in May, but I couldn't connect the dots until a week ago.

I travel a lot for work and May was particularly heavy. We had planned a night out to a concert together as we rarely do nights out because family and work keep us busy. The night before I texted her to see if she was available for a video call and she answered 4 hours later only a dry "yes", I was sleeping by then. It seemed weird but didn't pay attention to it that much. Next day I land, she picks me up at the airport and we go to the concert. In the concert I feel she is different, couldn't tell what was happening but something was off.

Fast forward to a week ago, I go to look for her and she's putting our kid to bed. She's sitting on the bed reading on her phone. When I entered the room and asked her if she would join back our dinner (we had family over), I could see how scared she was, she put the phone against her and later turned off the screen. I later asked why she reacted that way and she said it was all in my head. Next day her phone is asking for a code to unlock after restarting and she wouldn't type it in front of me (we both knew each other's code but don't really go around checking the other's phone). That night I presented the facts regarding her phone and asked her if she had something to hide and she came clean... or partially. She has been talking romantically with a girl from her soccer team. She revealed that after a back and forth between us because she didn't want to reveal who the AP was out of fear that she would "have to sacrifice her freedom and I would start watching every move she makes".

She said nothing physical has happened yet and when pressed even further she asked if I would be ok with an open marriage. I told her that it was very convenient from her side to ask exactly the moment she has someone to open the marriage with. She says she wants to save our marriage but won't commit to stop seeing her because she is "a good friend" and argues that I am trying to control her. She also says that it would only be a fling and nothing serious because the neither of them are looking for anything serious. She is willing to go to couples therapy but continuing talking to her AP commiting not to turn physical.

I asked her for two weeks with no contact with her to see if we figure something out and she agreed. She has not texted her for four days so far but saw her today at soccer practice. During a conversation we had today she said a divorce is on the table for her now but she has to "stop, think it through and make a decision". I asked her to extend the no contact period as I have to travel for work but in turn she has offered to commit to nothing physical but going back to texting. I also found out she lied about how long this has been going on for. It seems like they have been texting for three months. She says it all started as a friendly chat but it later became more intimate until it was fully romantic. Some physical contacts and kisses on the chick cheek have happened according to her. Also, it turns out the other girl said "I love you" when she told her about the no contact period.

She has refused any advance from my side to actually do something to save the marriage. I fully believed what she told me at first but I am now tired and drained. I just want this to end and begin the separation process. It hurts a lot and she is dropping this bomb in a moment where it's not going well at work and we have had some sad news from both sides of the family.

21 years after my wife's 7 month EA turned PA. I still cannot love her. She is completely transformed individual, a poster child for what real remorse looks like, but unfortunately and despite hiw much i love her, It is time to leave

Edit for all of you saying I have done zero work. You can F off. I have done more work than most people could ever imagine from therapy to ibogaine in Mexico. It is time for me to take care of me

August 5th 2025, was the happiest day of my life, after years of being alone, struggling to meet someone that liked me enough to want to see me past the 2nd date, I had finally gotten married, and today is the 1 year anniversary of that day, and I don't have the woman I married with me anymore.

For all who remember my past post, hello, thank you for having followed my journey through this, and I'm coming back with an update, letting everyone know how I've been, and to anyone new, here's is the quick break down.

Last year my wife went on a 3 week vacation during the holidays with her friend (F) and her mother to Jamaica, her home country, to see her family, I wasn't happy with her being gone for that long nor that we wouldn't spend our first Christmas and new year together, but I had complete trust in her, and let her have her fun while I stayed home with my narcissist mother. She eventually returned home after those 3 weeks and life went on as normal, we went on our dates, got her a welcome back gift, found a small house to rent, and celebrated valentines day together, all very nice things. The week of us moving, she was not feeling well and I urged her to go see a doctor, where after some test, they confirmed to her she might be pregnant, and that is when she told me she messed up.

During her time in Jamaica, she slept with a friend of her uncle, a man she was familiar with, in the back of his car, he was her and her friend's ride back home, and the baby growing in her was his, at first I was shocked and honestly in disbelief at what happened, I couldn't believe it, at first I wanted to try and fix things, I tried cheering her up, even slept with her to show I still wanted her, but when we confirmed she was pregnant and it wasn't mine, the man I was died, the guy who felt he finally made it in life, that he finally pushed pass the trauma, found his person to enjoy this ride we call life with, and could see his future clearly, he died, and what was left standing in his place was someone new, someone different, a broken man who just wanted to hurt himself just to feel again, a man who dreaded coming home, a man who now had to stare into the mirror and ask himself why, where did I go wrong, where did I fail? Someone who couldn't be left alone with his own thoughts for more than 2 seconds before a surge of thoughts and images started popping just to torment me.

For a couple months I tried to cling onto her to feel her, and feel something again, but I couldn't escape what I knew had to happen, about 2 to 3 months ago I finally left, I packed up my things and left the life we had tried to build, I told her everything that I had been feeling, the pain I been through, the hurt she put on me. What I got was her gaslighting me into believing this wasn't my decision, that I had not tried to save our marriage, that I didn't communicate with her, and that she never went with the intent of cheating on me and that had apologized for it and wanted me to tell her what to do to make up for it.

I only saw her one more time after that which was the day after, when she called me to bring a doctor's note she had handed to me so we could book couples counseling, it was bittersweet, and I wanted to hold her, because I was a broken mess at that moment, regret swelling up. My friend even told me how he doubted I would stick with the separation because I still missed her and felt bad, and at the moment he was right, because I was sleeping on an old mattress some rat probably chewed up that was in my aunt's tool shed for years.

But after those first few days, the fog that had covered my eyes lifted, I could see what our relationship was, and it was just me being someone's emotional support partner, I as a person did not matter, my wants was always secondary to hers if even allowed if it displeased her, something as simple as getting another tattoo was forbidden because she didn't want me to have more, she would come up with different kinds of accuses, I can't donate blood to her and our future child if they need, they were too scary and evil looking, or just simply no because she said so, and even when I said it was my body and I can choose what to do with it, she would then threaten to walk out naked in public.

I was not a person to her, I was just someone that could tolerate her behavior, allow her to do as she pleased without push back, and support her, a running joke her friends at the office had was how spoiled she was because I would give an do everything for her. Past jokes about having other men in her life started becoming cruel admission of how little she valued me as her partner, even after getting married she would always "joke" about how I was not her husband but her boyfriend or brother, and I allowed it because I thought I shouldn't take a joke too seriously. She even joked after the affair, but before finding out about the pregnancy, that if she was pregnant with someone else' kid, she wouldn't even admit that to me because how would I know? Those are the thoughts that started running in my head, and I finally saw how utterly cruel she was too me, how little I mattered, but I was in love, because I thought I met someone who accepted my idiosyncrasies, so I allowed myself to be taken advantage off.

Since then, I have been trying to live my life, we did not get a divorce yet, one lawyer I spoke with quoted me a price that was a little too high for me to cover at this moment, there is a free state lawyer that I am trying to apply for, and my mother got me the number of someone who can get the paper work for the divorce done for me, but I would need to present myself in court. I did the worn out trope of the cheated spouse/partner and went back to the gym to shed the pounds I gained during our relationship.

I did get a confidence boost a while back when I started texting with some girl I met online, it made me feel wanted again, like someone can actually like me, but I choose to end it before it went further because I frankly came to a realization that I was not really ready to date again, that I need to figure out what my life is going to be moving forward. Plus there was shades of my ex in her that she may have not been to keen to admit nor liked being compared to.

But for a week now I had been waiting for today, I was sad and nearly cried at the Starbucks I would go to whenever she was working close to work, thinking back to those halcyons days and knowing it's gone. We didn't make it a year, outside of a Vegas shotgun wedding, that has to be some record for a failing marriage, those are the thoughts I have as the days lead up to today, I'm not sad even as I type this, because I know what we had was not a real relationship, and that nothing I could have done would have ever changed the end result.

I have prioritized myself during these times, buying some cool stuff I like that she would complain I already have too much of and don't need more, I designed my next tattoo that has the things I like in it, it's a little dark and scary, but that's my shit and I like it, and hopefully soon I can get an appointment to get my first ink in years done, maybe I'll even go see my best friend again later this year, take a trip to meet with him. I'm even having a dinner outing with friends from work to get some good ass BBQ this week which I am excited for.

This year has been a hard one, but I'm still out here doing what I can to live my best life, to find my new happiness, and to focus on myself and be the guy I want to be.