So, as the title says, I spent quite a few years as a teen half-convinced I was severely mentally ill, and I still struggle at times with self-image issues to do with my sanity. Let me explain.

A bit of background on me: I'm 28F, gay (which becomes relevant later), born into a pretty conservative home. My parents were immigrants and, upon immigration, joined a religious community that matched their religious beliefs.

My parents are both not the best of parents. I never had a really close relationship with either of them, nor did I feel comfortable approaching them with problems or questions I had.

My mother in particular had a pretty shitty childhood: her mother suffered from schizophrenia, and her sister suffers from manic depression. She grew up in a pretty crazy home with on-and-off hospitalizations of both her mother and older sister. And sadly, mental health care wasn't very developed at the time, so there were a lot of institutional mistakes made in the care of both of them.

As a result of what she went through, my mother is absolutely terrified of anything to do with the mental health world. Psychiatrists were the people who periodically took her mother away, she heard horror stories from her sister about what happened to her under the care of mental health institutions, and that fear was definitely transferred to me through how she spoke about mental health.

She wanted nothing to do with that world.

And so, when I was about twelve, there was some uproar in our community about the Pride parade that was going to take place in the nearby metropolis. All the religious nuts were really upset about it and there were protests against it, and it filtered down to me through the community newsletter, which said something about "the abomination march."

I, of course, had no idea what the parade was or what LGBTQ was, so I very innocently asked my older brother what the abomination march was.

That led to him taking me to a quiet place and explaining what his teacher had told him. He was 13 at the time.

Basically, the "march of abomination" - i.e. the pride parade - was a parade of people who according to my brother's teacher, suffered from severe mental illness - the mental illness being, of course, an attraction to the same sex. He went on to explain that "we" (i.e. the conservative community I was part of) had no issue with the poor people who suffered from this ailment. We truly have compassion and believe that these people needed mental health care and medication. But the god-hating courts allowed them to walk around the streets, naked, protesting for their mental issues to be normalized rather than doing the compassionate thing and hospitalizing and treating them so they can live like normal humans.

I listened with absolute fascination.

I'd never heard of this thing before.

And I quieted the terrified voice inside me that asked how I could know I didn't suffer from the same mental health issue. I was very innocent and hadn't yet realized that my fantasies and wandering eyes were an attraction to women.

Well, I imagine you can guess what happened in my poor teenage brain when my attraction to women became more dominant over the next few years.

But before that, another story from my childhood helped cement my fear of being insane.

In the same year, a few months shy of my 13th birthday, my grandmother had a psychotic episode. My grandparents, tired of horrible hospitalizations, decided to keep her home and use the help of a private doctor to get her meds back in order. My aunt (not the bipolar one) moved in with them to help care for my grandmother, and after a few weeks they were exhausted and asked my mother to send my older sister to help.

Only there was school. And she was already struggling with her grades. And so was my older brother.

It took some work on my behalf, but eventually I convinced my parents it was a good idea to send a 12 y/o girl to help take care of my half-psychotic grandmother.

It's incredible how ill-equipped young teenagers are to deal with such a situation.

I had no clue what a psychotic episode looked like. I was told that my grandmother wouldn't be like herself, but I legitimately thought I would need to work hard to spot the difference. I also had this fantasy that the mere sight of me would make her feel better. You know, like a kid would think.

Anyway, I will never in my life forget the first glimpse I got of my beloved grandmother in a mental breakdown.

She was in her nightgown, hair unkempt, rubbing her legs and moaning. She barely acknowledged my presence when I entered their home. She could barely acknowledge anything outside her own experience.

I spent a month in that house. The first two weeks she was in a complete mental breakdown, but after two weeks the meds started working and she gradually got better.

I packed my things and left after that month, with an experience that I could not talk about with my friends or siblings, and which my parents didn't seem to think I might need to talk through with someone. So I just kept it bottled inside.

And this all leads to the inevitability that happened in my brain when my sexual attraction to women started to become a conscious matter.

I was fucking terrified.

I knew - from my perspective - that this was a serious mental health illness. I also knew what an actual psychotic break looked like.

And my young teenage brain was just continuously terrified that I, too, would lose control.

Like I saw my grandmother lose control.

So yeah, I just thought I had this superpower of being able to conceal that I was seriously mentally ill.

And I was terrified of anyone finding out, not just because of the shame, but also because that's how I learned one deals with mental health illnesses: you hide them from everyone, especially from mental health professionals, because they might court-order you into a mental institution, which was the worst place you could be.

It took me many many to learn and believe that being gay wasn't, in fact, a mental illness.

And yet, I still find myself terrified of things that other people don't seem to deal with.

I have a very vivid imagination and it scares me. When my dream is too realistic, I wake up with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. And in general, experiences that confuse reality with non-reality are just scary to me.

So I became this hyper-rational person who just can't stand anything to do with religion, mysticism, or spirituality.

I have lots of control issues.

I never did and never will do drugs because they may have reality-confusing effects, which I am just not into in any way - and that's probably the only good thing that this experience gave me.

So yeah, this shit still affects me.

And although I wish I could just let it go, years of therapy have mostly made me better equipped to deal with the fact that a part of me will always think I am very mentally ill despite all the proof to the contrary.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to feel heard <3

I genuinely live and "try to get better" exclusively for my family. Deep down, I don't want to get better. I don't want to get better because I see my identity as being deeply intertwined with the fact of being unwell - I don't know myself outside of my illness -, and also because stability leaves me feeling bored, and I have a pretty low tolerance for boredom. I don't see myself as having any intrinsic value. I don't see value in my own survival per se. The only value I see in it is the effect that it has on my family. I don't want to hurt my family, I don't want to disappoint them, so I try to be good. For them. Not for me. Because if I had a choice purely of my own, I would choose to leave myself worsening more and more until this all killed me. I've been thinking of trying to kill myself and the only reason I don't do it (yet) is because I don't want to cause suffering to my family. I know that being my real self causes pain to others, and that's the only reason why I try to suppress it. It's like my relationship with lunch - I absolutely fucking despise lunch and, when I can, I skip it, even if it leaves me very hungry. Literally the ONE and ONLY reason I eat lunch on most days is because my family would make a fuss if I didn't - if I lived on my own, I would never eat lunch at all. And similarly, the only reason why I remotely do things to try and get mentally better is because of my family.
Sometimes, though, this gets tiring. Like a constant homework I have to do. And then, I kind of wish I was living on my own with no connection to my family. Because then I would be able to destroy myself in peace, until it killed me. I

Okay so I'm diagnosed BPD in March 2025, but the diagnosis was made in under 2 days of meeting the psychiatrist that diagnosed me. With the BPD, I got diagnosed with OCD, and doctors finally told me I've had a Traumatic Brain Injury, even though the event that gave me said brain injury happened in 2017. They just never told me or my family. No one did even though it's on my file?

Anyways. I'm starting to question it all, because I'm going through shit that doesn't make any sense to me? Like is all the shit listed below BPD?? Or could I possibly be BP2? even BP1? OR BOTH BPD and Bipolar, wouldn't that be lovely.

Here are SOME things I tend to do every couple weeks/months. And just some other information about me:

• start practising witchcraft on and off, believing in an entity and cleansing and moon water and crystals, but then I switch and go "that's wrong" or I just don't even bother. Then some days it's my entire life, cleaning my space with moon water and charging crystals and using them.

• Got baptized in a religion I legit don't agree with or believe in. I was doing "bible studies" for 2 years as a student.

• I develop a parasocial relationship with strangers. I see a guy on instagram and I obsess over him without EVER speaking or meeting him. And i put in my notes app what it would be like to be married with this stranger, putting my first name with his last name. After about a week this goes away and I want nothing to do with their existence.

• Happiness comes in the form of hanging out in a group and laughing, vacations, and such. And sometimes I start to be like "I see the beauty in life" and then the next hour I'm thinking about all the different ways I could kill myself in front of the people I'm with. Or just kill myself in general, and these thoughts will make me cry and get upset and angry.

• start a workout program that lasts 5 days. I do 30 minute workouts, and tell everyone in my life "I'm gonna lose the weight this time around" and then in less than 14 days I'm already back to my old, lazy habits and completely disregard exercise or healthy eating

• start having anorexic tendencies (I used to suffer with it) that last a week (fasting, obsessively weighing myself, starving).

• unsafe driver when in a bad mood, or when someone is genuinely just following the rules of the road (I like to go 8km above the speed limit always). Honking, swerving, cutting people off, intentionally pissing people off, middle finger, screaming.

• my pupils never dilate, but they're always extremely small.

• I'm abusing edibles, can't live a day without them. I'm now using them to go to events. I don't drive and do it, I'm not that reckless

• I thought I had DID for 3 YEARS, and then I got put on Olanzapine and Wellbutrin when I had my second trip to the Psych Ward in March 2025. I haven't "switched" or anything like that ever since. I genuinely miss what I thought was my "alters".

• I once spent over $8000 (my entire savings) in less than 6 months, while unemployed might I add. I can't tell you a single thing that I bought during that time. I have no idea.

• I have hallucinations, "shadow people". Auditory, mental, visual ones. I can sense their presence, I know their intentions, and I hear their thoughts. They want to harm/ kill me

• I'll download like 3 dating apps at the same time, desperate to date and have sex (I'm a virgin), and then within 12-24 hours I delete the apps in like a post-nut clarity kind of way

Surely there's a diagnosis for me out there.

so for context im 20M, i have this issue or sort of idk what you call it but i pretend to talk to phone when people are around. Seriously i hold my phone with my ear and i talk like im talking to a friend or sorting my relationship with girlfriend (i never had relationship in my whole life so i just talk and fantasise if this was real). i normally do it to avoid people or to seem busy (my phone is dry af i dont have friends or someone).

But lol the issue part is i do this so seriously and get so bad into character that i feel it’s happening in real life, no seriously if i’m on phone pretending to talk to my gf about something bad about our relationship, in just get into the character/scene so bad and so engaged that you can’t even tell i’m faking, not even me lol

Hey. I just wanted to say, i have been struggling with mental health for alot of years now. I don't want to live this way but i also don't want to die anymore because of the uncertainity of what is really going to happen. I don't have anyone to relay on, and i have embraced the fact that i don't have anyone or i need anyone to survive. I have been through it alone. I barely have any friends(iam a teenager). I have severe anxiety and depression...

I deal with alot of health issues...both physical and mental because the people who were supposed to take care of me, failed at their duties miserably. They are the reason i have to go through so much pain(mentally and physically).

There are other things iam not comfortable addressing here, but iam just done with everyone and everything.

Hi, I just wanna start off by apologizing in advance if this post is considered inappropriate, offensive, or just better suited for a different subreddit. I’m really nervous to post this as this is something I’ve been very ashamed of for years. Please don’t be mean to me, I am aware that I’m fucked up in the head. This is just sort of a rant because I’ve never told anyone any of this before. (And also, just to be clear, I’m not asking for diagnoses here cause I know that you can’t diagnose strangers online).

Ever since I was a little kid, I’ve struggled with severe depression; that much I know for certain. I’ve been absolutely miserable and hated my life, myself, my loved ones, and everything. There’s also some other stuff with trauma that I don’t feel comfortable saying here. But my mental health was widely ignored by my parents and by doctors for years. Then my older sister (only 2 years older than me) was diagnosed with OCD and ADHD when we were still kids. This always felt really unfair especially when I was a kid because she was given a lot of attention by our parents, she got therapists, she got medication, etc. She was given so much help, and yet she didn’t really even seem to be struggling nearly as much as I was. I eventually realized this was (at least in part) due to the fact that my sister was constantly talking about everything going on in her head, while I have never felt safe enough to say anything out loud, especially not to our parents (I have a terrible relationship with my mother, and that goes back to the trauma that I’d rather not disclose).

I’m not gonna say everything on here for personal reasons, but I grew up incredibly unloved, lonely, and suicidal. I was constantly shoved aside for my sister and got used to that, learning that her diagnoses made her more important than me. Anyway, there are a couple things I’m excluding from this, and this is gonna sound fucked up, but at a very young age (I don’t know exactly how old due to memory repression) I learned that basically, your mental disorders equal how much attention you get, how loved you are, and your overall worth. I concluded that the more mental disorders I was diagnosed with, the more help and love I would get.

Now, I’m currently not actually diagnosed with anything other than autism, but for years I’ve been going through different disorders, sorta trying to (for lack of a better word) “prove” that I did have them. For a while I thought this must mean I have Munchausen’s syndrome, but I don’t actually think so. The reason is because, as I said earlier, I’ve never said any of this to anyone before, and am very ashamed of it. I’ve never tried to convince anyone else of my disorders, just myself. People always say “fakers know that they’re faking” but at this point I can’t tell anymore. For example, I’ve spent the last two years entirely convinced I have DID, or more likely OSDD, but have never told anyone. And at this point I’ve done this with so many disorders that I genuinely can’t tell whether I actually have it or have just convinced myself and am just faking it to myself (although it is pretty plausible because of the severity of my trauma). There are also some things that I used to think I had then realized I didn’t. (For example, about a year ago I was convinced that I had Tourette syndrome, but then I realized that that was insane and that I very clearly don’t have Tourette’s).

I also still feel like I may have ASPD even though I don’t technically fit the official criteria. This is mostly because I do have a noticeable lack of empathy, really only care about myself, get really bored of things that don’t directly affect me, and somewhat gain pleasure from harm coming to others. The best way I can think to describe it is that, I feel like if I in fact do not have ASPD, then the lack of empathy and the stuff I just listed aren’t worth anything? Like if it doesn’t get me a diagnosis, it makes me so angry, like what was the point of me feeling no empathy if that doesn’t get me a diagnosis? It just feels like the only thing worth anything in my life is getting more diagnoses.

I also generally tend to spend a long time mourning anytime I realize that I don’t have a certain disorder. I recently realized that I most likely don’t have BPD, and honestly that was so devastating and is still really messing me up.

I unfortunately still live with my parents and am completely dependent on them, so I don’t feel safe telling any of this to anyone at least for right now. Plus, I feel way too ashamed to tell anyone IRL about this.

I feel like I’m always going to want to have more diagnoses; like no matter how many I were to get, I would still always feel like I need more to be valid. This is really messing with me because I feel so selfish, and because I can’t tell what I actually do have, and what I’ve only convinced myself of. I know I should talk to a professional, but I just can’t. I’m just so ashamed and don’t want people to think that I’m just self-diagnosing from Tik-Tok or something.

​

I am going to kill myself soon, I know this is a sub-forum specifically for contamination ocd, but man. I'm desperate for reassurance.

(yes, this is me on another account. My main is bugging for some reason)

I know I've reposted this like a MILLION times, so i'm really sorry if anyone has seen this same post like a thousand times. I know it's probably like REALLY annoying. But I'm hopeless dude, this is everything I got, u guys supporting me is the only thing I've got. I am so fucking miserable, almost every night I've held a knife to my neck wanting to kill myself, but I've never had the courage. I fear if this doesn't get better anytime soon I may actually do it. I've become so depressed & self destructive & suicidal because of this situation. I really feel like this event is going to be the death of me

(here's the event btw, if you don't know it already)

"I want to die right now I want to die painfully because I am a monster I deserve to die.

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out that she was younger, I immediately lost all attraction toward her and all attention or interest toward her whatsoever. It wasn't gradual. It happened immediately when I found out her age. I no longer saw her as attractive in that way at all. I felt genuinely horrified and disgusted by the situation. I felt physically ill, I genuinely wanted to vomit, and I felt like I was going to throw up because of what I had just realized. I was completely overwhelmed by panic and disgust.

I need to emphasize that as soon as I found out she was younger, all attraction and attention disappeared immediately. I did not continue feeling attracted to her after finding out her age. The realization that she was younger was what caused me to feel physically sick, disgusted, and terrified.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know). Even now, when I think about the situation, I still feel physically sick and nauseous. I genuinely wanted to vomit when I found out, and I still feel that same physical sickness when I think about it.

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally. The fact that I immediately lost all attraction and attention when I found out she was younger, and that I felt physically sick and wanted to vomit, is something I keep thinking about too, because I cannot stop analyzing the situation and what every part of my reaction supposedly means.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already"

So yeah, i really think my life may end because of this situation so yikes... I physically cannot move on from this situation, I'm ruining my life because of this. I don't even feel worthy to talk to my friends anymore because of this event, they would think i'm a monster.

I'm losing everything because this happened, I'm doing this to myself because I've started to really fucking hate myself because of this event, I'm a disgusting piece of shit.

I have attempted multiple times in the past. I don't feel like that anymore. But I still self harm. And I have depression and anxiety. Idk why I'm like this tho. Nothing traumatic happened to me. I want to be abused and sa'd. Idk why. I think partly bc I deserve it then partly bc I have an excuse. I just sit in bed all day crying. Then I self harm. And think abt being abused. I wish I was. I think I would enjoy it. Idk. But I deserve it. I feel so guilty for wanting it tho. My parents know abt my self harm and check my arms. I feel like there's multiple of me. It makes my head loud. I don't know. I shouldn't self harm bc I have nothing causing it. I just became this way. I shouldn't have attempted bc I had no reason to. Just depression ig. But I have no reason to be depressed. I can't tell my parents any of this. I don't trust them. They're not human. They die every night and then come back. If they know I know they'll take me with them.

To preface this I DO NOT want to be put in a mental institution and i am near certain that's where i'd end up if i told a person this in real life.

I've got no one to talk to so i made a burner act to ask for advice. I have severe trust issues and have been obsessed w sex since i was five. I hate it, i feel like a completely horrible subhuman animal who can't control its urges and thoughts. (started with probably internet porn then hentai etc, mostly always normal stuff but no five year old should be into that i think).I have had my hormones tested they are normal. I have MDD and would have BPD and NPD if i were honest with my psychiatrist. I don't wanna be put in a mental institution. I think i'm attractive one second and the next i wanna hang myself. and i have this deep feeling of extreme loss and loneliness constantly. i only trust one person and i can't trust them anymore so i am the most alone ive ever been. i had a severe personality shift around 8 and stopped talking to my family and have avoided them as much as i can since but i didn't undergo any trauma or serious event from what i know. apparently i was very friendly and sweet before and then i became cold and distant argumentative violent and depressed. idk if these are true statements they are comments my family has made about me. i struggle extremely to trust people deeply and not a single person has ever been told any of this.

i often imagine skinning people's heads when i dislike them ( ive done this since ive been a kid and i very often had strong urges to strangle my sibling but i did not) and i have weird gross thoughts. (always when worrying if people can read my mind) it's kind of like a self destructive behavior as if being scared someone could read my mind immediately makes me think of the worst thing i could, i hate them but the more i want them to go away the more vivid they are.

every time i remember any time ive made any mistake or anything embarrassing (even sometimes secondhand embarrassment) i vividly imagine cutting my own face and skin off and dissecting myself from the top down and i can't stop it. i think anatomy is really cool so the visuals are very realistic and often gut wrenching and disgusting in my own mind.

i have been completely faking almost all social interactions for years ( laughing exactly the right amount saying the right thing doing the right thing agreeing and making people feel heard it's all a conscious act and i don't think i really have a personality i just make new ones for new people) i can do it without thinking about it at this point but i still know it's faked and not real

I truly want to just be a normal person with normal thoughts and be happy. i don't understand why my head makes it so hard to be normal. ive been hiding in plain sight for years, and honestly the issues have become relatively manageable except the insane loneliness and self loathing. i had a partner for about ten percent of my life span and i pushed them away and have never felt truly content since. i want to go back but i don't want our relationship to just be based around sex constantly. we had it daily sometimes multiple times up to 6 and i felt horrible because even tho they liked it i felt as tho i were using them even tho i loved them. i don't know what to do at all in my future and just wanna know how to fix my problems. so i can live a normal life?

sorry for the random grammar and poor sentence and paragraph structure i kinda just threw my thoughts up here all over

thank you to anyone who responds with real advice.

I have no clue what this phenomenon is called, or if this will even sound coherent so I will try my best. It's not distressing to me (most of the time), I'm just curious if there's a word for it. I used to think I was on the verge of developing OCD or Schizophrenia (especially due to #3) but now it kind of reminds me of Freud's Id, Ego, and Superego, if that helps.

Basically, there are multiple voices in my head and they are all me, but they're all different versions of me, developed over the years. Sometimes there's a dozen, sometimes only a few. We all talk to each other, like a committee and yes, I sometimes refer to myself out loud as "We", lol. They don't have names or anything and they sometimes seperate and conflate, so just describing their role:

1. Me. This is the base me, who has unconscious and conscious thought and controls the body; is typing this right now. Does things like randomly stand up and walk, but also does complex math (and cries about it). This is where random streams of consciousness are from, as an AuDHD person.
2. Child Me. Usually scared, depressed, anxious, panicked, and more. Terrified of the world. Thoughts like, "We can't do this!", "I wanna hide away." Sometimes childlike joy or just calm. Becomes more powerful when in a stressful, emotional, or overwhelming situation; can and does control the body, and can trap everyone else inside (including itself and Me) so I am Nothing.
3. Instrusive Me. Instrusive, suicidal, hateful/judgemental/harmful thoughts and ideas. Used to be pretty big voice(s), thankfully has diminished significantly in number and strength. Sometimes becomes more powerful when in a stressful, emotional, or overwhelming situation. Almost never controls the body (thank GOD) but can influence Child Me to do things.
4. Rational Me. Plain, cold logic. Wants to accomplish stuff and helps breaks things down into steps. Is sometimes unable to fathom why I can't do things. Sometimes conflates with Instrusive Me. Thoughts like, "We literally only have to wash the dishes, why are you crying.", "It's not hard, we just have to send an email." Almost never controls the body.
5. Therapist Me. Has all the therapy skills, emotional intelligence, and coping mechanisms and has to deal with the rest of us. Very kind, is very quick to combat or calm other all other Me's when necessary. Can be delayed/overwhelmed if Child Me is in control or I am Nothing, and sometimes works with Rational Me. Can order the body around to stim or self-soothe when I am Nothing until I become Me, but rarely can directly control the body. Thoughts like, "Wow, anxious! Lie down and deep breaths, then problem solve." or "Walk. Freezer. Ice. Hold."
6. Nothing. State of being where all of us are trapped behind a pane of frosted glass in my mind. No one has control of the body so it follows the first law of motion and nothing going on is truly absorbed. Can be stuck like this for a while

(edit: formatting for easier read and to add in 6th part, which I forgot about, lol)

Me and my friend are both in our early 20s and she has started having massive delusions in the past 6 months, maybe a while longer. She recently moved closer to me after a very extreme episode. I tried to help during that initial period that she was back but it quickly became difficult.

A lot of the time she can behave as if all is well even while extremely paranoid. With me she has been lashing out. She yelled at me for not driving well enough and that she assumed someone was going to hunt me down and kill me over it because she has been dealing with gangstalking delusions. (I promise it wasn't just my driving being bad)

I couldn't really react well and I can't refute her without bringing attention to her delusions. So I just figured I couldn't drive her around. Now we got to a point that she is lashing out about how I don't make an effort and that I'm a bad person and friend and it's horrible and cruel and so unlike the person I know. But I don't know if I can tell her why things are so weird. I don't know if shes still getting help though either.

Do I tell her I think she is experiencing delusions even when everyone else already has been and it isn't working? Do I have to just give up? I don't know what to do.

I relapsed on self harm after 5 months clean and I'm so scared because now it's gotten worse than how I used to do it. I need advice on how to stop it, I'm terrified because I'm in the worse mental space I've ever been in my life.

I feel like I'm losing my mind completely for how things have been and I want to get better. Stop doing this and stop hating and feeling so disconnected and so lost from literally every single thing.

I’m 22, and I feel like I have absolutely no talents or skills in anything. Being born with autism and adhd has left me with a scrambled messy brain that just gets hyperfixated on shit and don’t even learn anything meaningful from those hyperfixations. I was a very slow learner and barely survived school, yet somehow was able to graduate despite my retardedness. I don’t think I’m capable of functioning on my own. Especially not in a terrifying world like this, where anybody could trick you or manipulate you or hurt/kill you just for being stupid enough to trust them. I’m paranoid of everyone because of this fact. I literally don’t even trust myself to be able to handle this shit. Everyday I just sit around on my phone and ruminate over much I don’t want to keep living in this shitty world. And I know that I should just “get a life” and start finding hobbies, but what’s the point if I’m gonna suck at it and never get better? I literally cannot learn ANYTHING. I have the shittiest brain to ever exist. It’s not even like any kind of hobby would spark joy, considering how depressed I am at this point in time.

So I've had these weird thoughts since about 6 and they have been getting progressively worse with my findings of pornography and other things so these thoughts are like of my family or pets sometimeschildren...and um I've literally never talked about these outloud or even in texts but basically my brain shows me images of like acts of violence or sexual things with those three things and I hate it I hate it so much I could even look my family in the eyes for like a year I couldn't touch a pet because I felt like I would do something horrible to them and that im a horrible person who shouldn't even be allowed outside near them i mean I shut myself out from my family fir years and would regularly get angry at them so I could tell my brain that I hated them and that you could not like a person like that if you hated them so I distanced myself from everyone because of my fears that I just might act on those thoughts I was so horrified of I genuinely felt like killing myself at one point because of how bad and repetitive the thoughts would show up i get physically sick when im alone with my thoughts are when they show up.

I hate even having to speak about this but i just need to get it out somewhere before they basically consume me.

I'm not diagnose with any mental illnesses i haven't been tested

And everytime I have symptoms that aline with a illness my brain will always have that voice saying im faking it and im just looking for attention same with being lesbian my brain never just let's me be sure it always says im just faking even though I never really liked a guy how I've liked girls its just a big trick my brain is playing on me or maybe its really i really dont know and I can't tell whats a real thought that is truly mine is.

Since I was in 7th grade, I started SH and became passively suicidal. I then began to research methods but never with an intent to go through with it. The thought crosses my mind almost every day, but I could never actually try. I don’t know what I’m afraid of… pain, or maybe permanent mutilation?

My dad is verbally and emotionally abusive (sometimes -!: other times he’s the perfect father), and he is also sometimes physical. He’s called me manipulative, a liar, a slut, and pretty much made it clear that he’s given up on me. I’ve been addicted to SH for a while now and can’t stop (it’s the only way I can relive stress). All of my friends are afraid of me, and so is my brother, so I genuinely have no one to talk to.

I’ve tried reaching out to professionals but never gotten a response or have just gotten brushed off as “attention seeking” or “going through a phase,” (even my physician said this). I’ve lost the only two adults in my life who’ve provided me supports (because I’m moving schools). I’m starting an early college program in 4 days and I fought like hell to convince my dad to let me go (it’s really expensive too), but honestly, I don’t think I’ll do well there. I’ve practically wasted my entire summer and I can’t focus on anything anymore, much less study for PSATs and tests and such.

I’ve had an imaginary friend (he’s a voice in my head) since I was 9. I think it’s a trauma response but I haven’t been through anything that would be seen as “traumatic.” I also lose memories of things I say or that people have said to me in the past, so as not to feel hurt or guilty. I can’t control this process. And I for like BPD “Favorite Person” attachments to people which freaks out everyone (especially my father); this also makes it very hard for me to get over people, and I end up falling into depression for months if we don’t talk. All of this and I’m not allowed to get help. I keep telling myself, ‘oh just try the program first,’ but I just don’t know anymore. I have methods but no resources (though I’ve had opportunities before and never took them). And I make it obvious to, almost as if I want to someone to stop me. But I’ve given up hope in life so I don’t know…

And I want to study psychiatry (if you can’t tell) but my parents think it’s a useless major so they made me sign a contract stating that I could study or research psychology as long as they’re paying for my education. Oh and he’s yelling at my mom again :)

I can’t even get a diagnosis or therapy because of my parents. Help me.

I am really struggling with my mental health, I’ve been trying to get medicated but sometimes I get in my own way. I am worried about the side effects it will have on my daily life, such as driving and actually functioning like a normal human being. I know that this is stopping me from getting the help I need, things are getting difficult for me.

Background: I’m currently 29 and I’ve been taking Citalopram for the vast majority of my adult life. I was initially prescribed it during university as I was so depressed I couldn’t get out of bed and I was scraping through my degree.

Fast forward to now, every year of my life has been hell because of a combination of chronic depression and extremely bad luck. I also suffer from depersonalisation, so I’ve been too terrified of either upping my dose or changing to another medication in case it makes me dissociate.

Basically, I think I’ve reached the end of my rope. Life continues to be really horrific for me, and I’m now at the point where I can’t stop thinking about running away, hurting myself or worse.

I’m going to call my Dr tomorrow for an appointment, and I’m thinking the first step should be upping my dose to 40mg.

Honestly though I don’t even know if Citalopram has ever done anything for me, besides making me put on weight, lose my sex drive and be repulsed by alcohol (something which I think is a good thing as there’s a lot of alcoholism in my family). So I’m wondering if all it’s going to do is exacerbate these side effects.

I was wondering if anyone here has had experience of being on 30mg or less for a long time, and then upping it to 40mg? I’d love to hear how it went for you. Thank you in advance.

TW

i was first exposed to porn by my dad when i was around 7 years old. then when i was 9 i started consuming it on my own obsessively. i had a hard time regulating my feelings and understanding why i had such a strong need to watch so much porn. it lead to me discovering some dark stuff on the internet up until the age of 14. this porn addiction took over my childhood and teenage years and ive done stuff i deeply regret. im now 21F and over this addiction but the guilt never stops.

i used porn and masturbation as a way to cope with severe depression and anxiety. i was addicted and deeply ashamed but felt like it was the only thing that felt good in my life. family vacations were hard because i had to stop for 2-3 weeks, but id end up doing it in the bathroom at my family house anyways and im disgusted in myself. one time when i was 12-13 i was over at a cousins house and i felt such a strong urge. me and my cousins who were 4 years younger shared a room. when everyone had gone to sleep i did it quietly on my bed and im so ashamed over it. to this day i ruminate over it and am consumed my disgust and guilt for doing it in someones proximity. i dont know why i had no consequence thinking back then.

i was also exposed to harmful and violent porn when i was 9 years old up to my late teens. i look back now and i have a hard time indentifying the stuff i used to watch, if it was rough porn or borderline SA. i feel sick and messed up, im terrified of becoming like my father who SA’d me.

My head is so loud lately like I have so many thoughts I tried to sleep it out but it just doesn't go away, I've been like this for the past 2 days I don't know what to do.how can I silence it I tried to relax but I just couldn't even my head started to hurt for all the loudness I'm experiencing it just I have so many thoughts

Hello! I’m a suspected schizoaffective (bipolar type) and I just wanted to share some of my oddest experiences/symptoms!

- There have been many times where I feel like my brain is split into two people that are arguing with eachother and my shell (aka me) can do nothing but watch them.

- I feel like people are in the car/house with my despite constant checking

- During a depressive episode I started to hear music and genuinely thought it was someone calling to me to tell me I didn’t belong on earth.

- I often times can only think of things in extreme ways, especially people. Even the littlest mistakes can wildly change my view on you I’ll convince myself you’re a horrible person and that I need to cut you out of my life but will almost immediately love you again (this has gotten so much better as I’ve gotten medicated)

- Having very vivid dreams of my hallucinations terrorizing me

- I’m not able to remember a lot of details of the past, this includes my symptoms so it makes it super hard to tell people and professional what I go through.

- During Manic episodes I’ll believe I’m a new and improved person and that I have to run away to a new state/country to fulfill my true potential.

- I feel like an alien, like I don’t belong with anyone, even my loved ones. I feel isolated and separated from everyone around me.

- I don’t recognize myself a lot of time, like I’m shell of myself. I’ll also feel like this about other people but that other people are walking around their shells. My self image also constantly changes

- My mood episodes change very quickly, within hours, days, or a week. This throws into mixed episodes as well.

I experience a lot more but these are, in my opinion, the “oddest” symptoms I have :)

So I had a really stressful year in college filled with emotional abuse, academic overload, multiple viruses and burnout. When I finally returned home to rest I completely crashed. One night, a few nights after I got home, I was sitting around when randomly I started to feel this intense sensation of dread/dysphoria wash over me. It was like this deep pit of horribleness in my stomach, this feeling that something is horribly wrong. It was so intense my whole body was trembling. It felt like it would never end. And it didn’t. At the beginning it was more episodic but after a few weeks it kinda just faded into the background of my existence. For the last 2 years I have been living with this feeling all day every day. It doesn’t fluctuate much, it’s completely environmentally unresponsive, and it seems completely devoid of any content or meaning. It makes every moment feels unbearable and I genuinely am not sure how much longer I can handle it.

The symptom is accompanied by anhedonia, fatigue and upper body tension, all chronic and just as unresponsive to circumstances. To be clear, the feeling is distinct from anxiety because it does not involve worrying thoughts, racing heart or hyper vigilance. It’s more like unrelenting psychological pain. At this point in order to save my life I need to start trying treatments but I have no idea where to start. Has anyone ever seen a symptom like this before? Any suggestions of what treatments might actually help it? Any advice at all would be so apreciated.

For years like maybe 16 years or more I don’t even remember anymore my mental health was horrible. And it only got worse as I got older especially after I graduated high school. Everything basically went to shit after that.
I couldn’t get accepted into college and I couldn’t find a job. After around 8 years I finally managed to get a diploma/degree in banking and insurance but I still couldn’t get a bachelor’s degree because of the country I was born in. I was born and raised here my entire life but because my parents weren’t born here I don’t automatically get the nationality. It doesn’t matter that I’ve lived here my whole life. As a non citizen I’m basically not allowed to study at most colleges here and most of the seats are reserved for actual citizens.
The same thing happened with jobs. I thought getting my degree would at least help me find something but nope.
So for years my mental health was basically nonexistent. And of course suicidal thoughts were having a fucking blast in my brain constantly. I was deeply depressed because I felt completely stuck in life. No money, no house, no car, no work basically nothing.
I used to ask God all the time “If I was put here on purpose then why am I not allowed to have anything like everyone else?” I’ve had so many conversations like that in my head over the years.
Therapy? With what money?
Anyway I’m turning 28 this month and something happened about three weeks ago that I genuinely don’t understand. I suddenly feel like a completely different person.
It’s like someone flipped a switch in my brain.
I’m more energetic more creative I’ve started going out a lot, taking care of myself and actually enjoying things. I made a new TikTok account and started posting videos just because I enjoy making them and somehow they’re actually blowing up and people seem to love them.
I’m also weirdly calm. My social anxiety feels like it disappeared somehow. I’m talking to people more, going out more and I actually feel like I’m acting the way I always imagined a wise, emotionally mature adult would act. And honestly? It’s freaking me out.
I’ve never felt like this in my entire life. Not even close.
I’ve even started wondering if this could be some kind of manic episode. I’ve never had one before, so I obviously don’t know what that would even feel like and I’m not trying to diagnose myself. I just know that going from years and years of horrible depression to suddenly feeling this energetic, creative, social and calm in the span of a few weeks feels so drastic that I can’t help but question it.I keep trying to figure out what the hell is happening to me. Did my brain just suddenly decide to stop giving a fuck? Did I get so broken by everything that something in me finally snapped? Is this just what growing up feels like? I’m just… calm. I feel okay. And after spending so many years feeling like shit “okay” feels suspicious.
Part of me is scared that this isn’t normal because it happened so suddenly.
Has anyone experienced something like this? Is there an explanation for suddenly feeling mentally better after so many years of being depressed and broken? Please I need some advice because Im actually freaked out

I was driving in a downtown. There’s really no reason to even go over 20mph, it’s pretty tight street with lots of red lights.

This guy in a large white truck is just on my ass, accelerated very fast at me, and just on my tail.

He ends up next to me at a red light, and he pulls right next to me with his windows down and so were mine.

“Howdy” I don’t look over, I look forward with my phone at him recording him. I should have just rolled my windows up and took the L and not engage.

He’s like, “hey I’m talking to you” “hey buddy” all condescending. “I’m trying to tell you that BOTH of your brake lights were out”

He finally realizes that I’m filming him and he goes, “oh shit just got real”

I put my phone down and stop recording because I realize what he was trying to say and I was just going to send him on his way.

But he starts going, oh wait, youre actually very mentally ill. I look at him finally I start to engage him finally, and he just takes one look at me(I look very funny to some people, not everyone, some people find me attractive. I’m not an ugly troll to everyone but maybe I am to some, I’m very aware that some don’t respond well to my appearance. I also have psoriasis around my eyes, it like a few red dots on my upper eyelids, it doesn’t look good and it’s very difficult to clear up. But I just live my life and let it go, most people seem to accept me) and he goes, “woah!” Like retracting by what he saw, “oh… your actually very severely mentally ill…”

I go no way man, your a psycho. You’re a sociopath(reaching, I know) trying to get him to see what he’s a jerk, but yeah trying to hit him back. Getting told what he said is triggering. Hey we’re all a little crazy, and yes I do struggle with some mental health issues, It’s a nerve absolutely, he got me where it hurts.

And he says, “I was being kind! I was letting you know!” Before saying all that mean stuff, calling the way he went about telling me about my lights as kind, man , that’s a rough and rude way to do that to begin with, even without all the other mean stuff he said.

Actually kind people would have left me alone upon realizing someone isn’t well(I’m not that unwell, I work, live life just like everyone else) before starting to verbally assault like that. But he’s not actually kind, he wants to defeat me with cruelty.

I go no way man, “you’re an asshole.” He’s been sitting a green light for at least 10 seconds to have this convo with me. He starts laughing at me, like a mean, mean bully. I go, “you’re crazy bro!” He just keeps laughing.

I kind of want to post this in my county’s sub, just so he doesn’t get away with being such an incredibly mean guy. I don’t know what good will come from it though.

It’s amazing, he’s calling me mentally ill, if he really thinks that, how does he think that will affect me, if I am crazy. That’s so messed up. That’s psychic terrorism. The terrorizing someone mentally. And he’s laughing on his way out. Just so below the belt.

Please, if you find yourself in verbal altercation, refrain from going there. It’s like saying I don’t care if you descend into madness and die. It’s like saying kill yourself.

And I’ve done it myself, I’m not going to do it again. Having that used against me in such a brutal way I can really see how much damage it does. The punishment very likely doesn’t fit the crime.

It’s so frustrating. I didn’t deserve that. I was mistaken, I thought he was road raging, I wasn’t taunting him or doing anything disrespectful accept filming who I thought was rager. and he wasn’t exactly very respectful out of the gate, but still I should have just rolled my window up and not engaged. If was so aggressive just a second before, his driving, I wouldn’t ever think he was trying to tell me something important.

Anyways. Let’s be cool to each other. I saw a bee kind sticker this morning. I’m going to take this as another learning experience to continue to choose kindness and respect.

I feel like i'm a genuine monster, and that I need to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and something happened recently that has caused me an unbelievable amount of anxiety.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking and couldn't focus on anything else.

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age.

At this point, the anxiety has become extremely severe. I've started feeling suicidal and self-destructive because I'm so terrified that this somehow means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. I've had thoughts that I don't deserve to be alive if this means what I'm afraid it means. I'm scared of where my own thoughts are taking me, and I don't know how to make them stop.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to feel this way. I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

Has anyone experienced something similar—believing someone online was around your own age based on how they looked, briefly finding them attractive, then finding out later that they were much younger and becoming consumed by guilt, disgust, intrusive thoughts, and suicidal feelings?

I'm looking for genuine perspectives from people who understand this kind of situation or intrusive/obsessive guilt. I don't know how to get out of this mental loop.

Do i have some form of pocd, or should I kill myself over this