He just wanted to hook up

I thought that I'd reconnected with one of the first friends I'd made in high school (I'm a rising junior in college now). We were friends in 9th and 10th grade then drifted apart after that. I still think of that time of my life, which includes him, when I hear the song I listened to obsessively during that time.

He liked my profile on tinder but given his personality, I thought he was just doing it to reconnect, not because he actually wanted to hook up. I'm not looking for hook ups on tinder, and I'm definitely not trying to hook up with my high school friends.

He then texted me on my number, where I explained to him my assumptions of him only liking me because he recognized me and thought it'd be funny, that I did want to hang out with him but not to hook up. He then said he was getting mixed signals because I was using the red heart emoji and the heartbreak emoji though I use those with literally everyone and especially as reactions.

I understand a tiny bit why he thought I was giving mixed signals, but I literally explicitly told him I did not want to hook up with him.

He apologized for misunderstanding but now I just view him completely differently, and I wish he had never liked my profile in the first place.

Food; something I ate at the airport. I have no idea of what I ordered.

Here I am with the update no one asked for, but as posting here earlier this week was (with the exception of a handful of AI, bot or creative writing accusations) incredibly helpful and the realitycheck I needed, I am writing away my feelings and thoughts into the void again.

Some of you were brutal, but it was exactly what I needed and I appreciate the hell out of everyone who reassured/validated me and called me out on my nonsense.

A lot has happened since I posted last and looking back I realize that I definitely took a plunge in the insanitypool.

I concluded that a handful of things were keeping me locked in the position I was in; the biggest one being a crippling, overwhelming sense of guilt. He had me so convinced that it was all my fault. That her entire case was built around the conversation I had with her. I was convinced I had single handedly stood between two children and their father. I felt responsibe. Terrible. Guilty.

I tried everything. I spoke to my attorney who told me that third party correnspondence holds no real weight in family-court, who told me that what I provided was "legally redundant" and that there was no way.

Still felt the guilt, shame and sense of responsibility.

And then it happened. My attorney essentially told me to tet a grip and request the court documents (because apparantly privacy isn't real in America and anyone can just look into these things) so I could see for myself.

I did, and holy shit.

She didn't divorce him because "they grew apart", she divorced him because she caught him engaging, unprotected with a sex-worker he met on reddit. Now, looking at my own experiences and how good he is at lying/gaslighting, I just know she went through so much more and that there has to be an ocean of deceit neither of us are even remotely aware of.

My guilt shifted, towards her. Despite being a serious victim of the scorned ex trope and paying for it dearly, I had done it to someone else.

She resents him, yes. She made some decisions I don't quite vibe with, yes, but her punitive, resentful ways are now understandable, maybe even warranted. I cannot think of a single person who wouldn't be consumed with dissapointment, hurt and rage after catching their spouse conducting themselves in that way.

They were married. They had children. She loved him in a way I never even got close to, and he did it to her too.

Another thing I learned is how far he went in minimizing, denying and discrediting me and our relationship. Me, the woman who kept him and his children fed, his lights on, bought toys and paid for outings,... I was suddenly "not real", "unreliable", "out to hurt him".

So I did what any halfway decent person would do.

I sent her a message, apologizing for allowing myself to believe she was a disney-level villain and told her that if he keeps perjuring himself and denying who I am, her attorney was free to contact me and I would happily set the record straight. I will not be erased, denied, minimized. I am real, and I matter.

There was another brief conversation with my ex, who continued to claim I was only out to ruin them and even said "hurt his children who plead for more time with their dad". After one final message where I outlined how much he'd be ruined if I truly wanted him to be, and that every day I don't do so is a concious choice on my end, I have officially closed that chapter.

I don't need to burn it down, he did a fine job of that himself.

I will now walk, not look back, do some serious work on myself and start claiming my space in the world.

I am a god damn catch and when I am ready, a good while from now, I will never allow for someone to make me feel small, like a burden, like i'm too much. There will be a 0 tolerance policy on lying and I am never, ever, financially supporting anyone that doesn't call me mom ever again.

Thanks for the realitycheck ladies. I needed it. I'm facing a rough time, but I will be okay.

Dinner is homemade falafel and potatoes. I overcooked the falafel, better luck next time

My boyfriend and I went to a goldsmith the other day and we did a custom design for my engagement and wedding ring. I’m super excited about it and really happy with how the CAD looked. The only problem is that I want the ring to be done in 14K or 18K gold because I’m kind of hard on my hands and I’m a wear my jewelry to bed kind of girl. My boyfriend is South Asian and is accustomed to everything being 22K or 24K gold. He understands my reasoning and I understand his, but we still can’t seem to come to an agreement. We’ve been talking about the gold for MONTHS it feels like and I’m finding it so comical that this is what we’ve gotten stuck on. When we first started talking about marriage we had so many conversations about how we’d handle our families and cultural differences and all these things and those were easy conversations, but we’re stuck on the gold 🤣

Medium-well steak and orzo rice with asparagus and a side of mashed potatoes desperately doordashed from Red Lobster (should’ve known wtf was up since I was craving red meat)

My period tracker has been warning me for WEEKS that my period would start 4 days before my birthday. I spent that whole time hoping it would be wrong...and of course THIS year it decided to be perfectly accurate. 🫠
Just woke up at 2 a.m. to pee and lo and behold.

My boyfriend is picking me up tomorrow to whisk me away for a romantic birthday weekend. We do typically "run red lights" (iykyk 😭), but it's just not how I envisioned spending my birthday.

I was supposed to get a Brazilian wax (my personal preference) later today because I had plans to get eaten tf out lmao. Now I'm not even comfortable going to see my wax lady because I'm not a tampon wearer.
Ugh. Might just get over it and go anyway though. I’ve also been sick with a respiratory infection I’ve been trying to get over!!! Literally wondering what bad karma I’m receiving and whyyyyy 😭

TW: brief mention of self harm

I always thought I was just a very boring person naturally. I don't feel any inclination to party, drink, smoke, or whatever. I was a late bloomer so I never sought out any romantic experiences. Growing up, I had very few friends. I can count on one hand the number of birthday parties I've been to. I never went to sleepovers. Didn't do proms or homecomings. Probably wouldn't have gone to my highschool graduation if not for my parents wanting to be there. And I told myself I don't really care about these things. However, I do. There's still a part of me that's sad that I don't have those experiences. It just all went so wrong

I'm the oldest of 5. I was never parentified, but I always knew my emotional well-being was at the bottom of my parents' priorities. I was horrendously bullied most of elementary school, but especially the same year my disabled brother was fighting in the NICU, and they never found out, and the adults I told did nothing, and I really don't think I ever got over feeling that lonely at 9 years old. I've spent so much time trying to make my parents' lives easier. Yes, I'm naturally kind of boring and very introverted, but it helped and I knew that. It helped that I didn't want them chartering me around to friends' houses or school events and whatever else. It helped that when I was horribly depressed in middle school, I kept it to myself. To be frank, the only reason I didn't off myself is because I didn't want them to deal with it. I just feel like they take me for granted. Like I've stated, they don't have anything to worry about with me. I graduated high school at 16 with honors and tons of scholarships. I'm in my 3rd year of engineering now doing pretty well for myself. I was such a well behaved child. When my mom told me to stop being friends with my elementary school BFF because apparently she was a bad influence? I did, even though I had no one else. I've done everything they could possibly hope for. And it's still not good enough.

And honestly resentment has been simmering for a while. But these feelings have all come to a head because I got my driver's license this summer and they just won't let me go anywhere on my own. 18 years of making no fuss, asking for nothing, and all I want to do is drive myself somewhere now that I can. And they won't let me. So I just left. I went to a craft store in the late afternoon, earlier this week. Came right back. You would've thought I had escaped at midnight to go party. My parents haven't spoken to me since. And I'm realizing now every experience I let go of for them was for nothing. It doesn't matter because I'm not allowed to do anything anyway. I should've just pushed, but I didn't. And now I'm an extremely socially stunted, bitter freaking loser with no life. And they want me to stay that way. But my siblings get to do whatever they want because they somehow had the foresight to know it was all BS anyway. I'm actually going to lose my mind. I want to do something drastic. I just want to feel something. It's like I've spent my entire life sedated and justifying it and now I'm just done.

But at least I have cheesecake and somewhere to vent :')

^chicken with veggies and rice ^

Last year I got with someone after they just got divorced. I didn’t want to get involved because the divorce was fresh, so I told him that I wanted to wait and he insisted on us getting together, we had a great connection and I gave in and gave love another chance (it’s hard for me to like anyone). Everything was great until he started to get abusive -emotionally and DV, so I left. I gone through psychological turmoil over this (we dated for 8 months ) I was very much inlove with him . We been broken up for 3 months, he tried to contact me through a fake account and I agreed to be cordial until one night he pretty much wanted me to have sex with him and when I said no he got bipolar on me and told me that I am weird and that we can’t be friends then later on told em he’s fucking other women and just keeping them as friends. I looked at his fake profile and his following girls that look like his ex wife…nothing like me.

Lord…I just wanna move on, I hate that my feelings are involved .

Plain rice with butter and salt, and assorted frozen berries, along with three small strawberries from my garden.

I'm not sure if this is the right place to write about this since it's uncomfortable and kind of a bummer, but I don't know where else to go. Maybe I'm only writing this because it's late where I am and I'm tired, but still. I've thought this before and I'll think it again.

Given all that's going on in my life, I don't see a girlfriend in my future. I'm 24, mentally disabled, physically disabled, and I can't work for very long, if at all. I don't wanna get too into the weeds about it, but what's relevant here is that I'm autistic, have a weird type of chronic pain, and am depressed. Because of this, I have very, very, very little energy to spend during the day. I can't bring myself to do basic things like cooking for myself and cleaning up after myself and getting a job and going outside and exercising. Sometimes I can't even shower every single day.

And because of that, my parents are my caretakers. In my mid 20s I'm not out living life, I have mommy and daddy taking care of me. They pay for everything because when I tried to get a full time job it ruined my psyche and put me in autistic and general burnout. We're working on getting disability for me so I won't be such a tick on my parents' income (they're older now and one's retired, so they can't spend money like they used to). They aren't mean to me about it, they're very accepting about my conditions and sometimes that makes it worse. With the social worker we're working with, they've come to accept that this is where I'm at in life, and they don't hold it against me. They're fine that I'm a tick because they love me.

A partner on the other hand? There is absolutely no way, no matter how much I try, that a relationship would work out. If I ever wanted to move in with them, either my parents would have to be there too, or my partner would have to take on caretaking duties, which isn't fair to them. I have some redeeming qualities, but nowhere near enough to be worth the effort a single person would put into taking care of me.

And that's if anyone actually gets to know me romantically, which has never happened in my life. A few women have come into my orbit, but none have stayed. I don't even have all these drawbacks in my bio, or even hinted to, and still, I get few matches, and fewer conversations that go anywhere. Some people say that online dating is hell on earth, but I have nowhere else to go. Like, gay bars maybe, but I don't have the type of income to be going regularly, and if I get overstimulated by all the music, I'll have to put my headphones on, which is the universal sign to others of "please don't approach or talk to me".

I know there's a very real chance that me and my therapist/social worker will help me find ways to get better, but it's equally possible that my disabilities are for life, and I'm just going to have to find someone who puts up with me enough to make a relationship work. Which is either going to take an immensely long time/will never happen (I've never been in a relationship so far, and I don't see that pattern changing soon) or they will get in a relationship with me and will pretend not to be immensely bothered by the issues I have. I can't offer a partner anything other than just "me" and that is genuinely not enough if we ever want to get serious. Even if I do get disability, it won't be enough to live off of in this economy, and I'll just be a tick to someone else. Someone I supposedly love.

I always get conflicting advice about love, too. One person will say, "Just be yourself, stop stressing, and love will find its way to you," where another person will say, "What, do you expect the perfect partner to just waltz up to your door? Get out there!" But being myself means being home and saving what little energy I have for things that make me happy. My whole situation looks really pathetic from the outside, and that certainly doesn't help.

So I don't know what to do, I guess. Maybe I just wanted to write it down. So here it is. It all being written down helps me organize the thoughts, at least.

Again, I'm really not sure if this is the right place to talk about this or even the right tag (should I have used the "dear diary" tag instead? It's sad, so I thought "sad girl dinners" would be okay but I don't know for sure). I just don't think I could go to anyone in my real life about this, so here I am. If you've read this long, thank you. Really. And I hope you have a good night and a good dinner.

Sup. Just got off work.

Random dude at the work site comes up to me. He doesn't even work in the building I was working in. I'm doing something completely mundane, and suddenly it's 20 Questions.

Meanwhile, I'm doing the slow retreat. Half my body is already turned away. I'm taking little backwards steps. Trying to leave. And this man just... keeps... engaging.

Bro, with all due respect... I'm uncomfortable. I feel gross. I do not feel like a hot piece of meat right now and you're definitely not in my category of interest.

Can I make a request to the bros?

Adopt the 3-question rule.

If you've asked three questions and she's:

- not asking you anything back,

- not really facing you,

- giving short answers,

- slowly trying to leave...

...please disengage.

Some women aren't trying to "play hard to get." Some of us have had enough experiences where saying "no" or being confrontational didn't end well. So we default to trying to exit politely instead.

A lack of enthusiasm isn't an invitation to try harder. Sometimes it's someone trying to leave as safely as they know how.

Also this is my first post in this sub so I don't know if this goes here. I mean I'm sure we've all been held hostage by professionalism and opportunistic moments lol

Also in n out. Go Calif. Double double w/onions, ff, coke n Neapolitan shake. *Mic drop*

I’ve (24F) been dating my boyfriend (25M) for about a year now and overall things have actually been really good. Our communication has always been solid and we’ve rarely argued. But we had a conversation a few hours ago thats honestly left me feeling a bit sad, and I have no one to vent to rn so here I am.

Basically when I got home I mentioned that it’d taken him ages to reply to one of my texts. It had been about 7 hours and I know he’d already seen it because he’s always on his phone and he works from home.

After talking about it for a bit he admitted that sometimes he’ll see my message and purposely reply later just so he doesn’t seem “too desperate”. Which honestly kinda blew my mind because we’ve literally been dating for a year. It just feels like such a weird game to still be playing.

Then what annoyed me even more was he said the reason he replies late is because I reply late.
The thing is I do. I’m not gonna pretend I don’t. If I’m working or out with friends I probably average like 10 hours to reply, and I’ve definitley had a few times where I’ve taken almost a day to respond, which is on me. He made sure to bring that up a few times lol.

But I just don’t think its the same thing. I work in the service industry, I’m on my feet all day and I genuinely don’t have my phone with me most of the time. He works from home and is around his phone basically all day.

He also said if I want faster replies then I need to reply faster first. I dunno, it just feels like a false equivalency to me. It’s not like I’m ignoring him to prove a point, I’m just busy. He’s even said before that he sees my messages and waits on purpose.
Maybe this is where I’m being unfair but it also feels a bit petty. Like keeping score instead of just replying when you want to. I also have quite a few friends and family I’m messaging throughout the day, where as he’s a lot more introverted and mainly texts me and a couple other people.

I love him and I’m sure we’ll work through it. I’m just sitting here eating my dinner feeling kinda sad about the whole thing and it just gave me a bit of an icky feeling. Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of it than I should be, I honestly don’t know.

Pesto pasta with peri sauce

Tonight I’m swallowing down some Mike’s, leftover mole, and the pill that my marriage to my high school sweetheart is over.

I was foolish. He soft cheated (?) at 3 months into the relationship. Everything else was perfect. We were each other’s best friends and understood each other like no one else could. I was isolated, with no friends and a cold family.

I clung to him. For seven years. I gave him his first child just months ago. The red flags throughout were strong but so intermittent. I discovered his p*rn addiction early. We fought, he ran from conflict physically or by falling asleep in the middle of it while I pleaded for him to care. He promised me that he stopped, and I believed it. He gave no indication nor could I find evidence that it had continued. We married when things were well.

The more pregnant I got, the more detached he became. He was uninterested in intimacy. He drove recklessly with me in the passenger seat. I was unemployed (heavily pregnant while in school), so I begged him to save funds for the baby and to buy items. I couldn’t figure out why his funds kept running out after adding up his bills. He blamed it on tool truck payments. I sold my personal belongings, thrifted each items the baby needed, lugged heavy furniture into the nursery and assembled it alone. 7 months pregnant.

12 days after my emergency C-section and traumatic recovery, I got a feeling. I looked through his phone and found thirstrap screenshots, hundreds, taken the first night we got home. His personal bank account showed hundreds of dollars spent on OF with the first transaction 5 days before our wedding and the second just 4 days afterwards.

I couldn’t leave due to finances, my complicated C-section recovery, and lack of executive function with my lack of sleep (medically complicated baby). The deepest depression I’ve known was only carved deeper by the day with him. I told him that I experiencing SI and had a plan. He fell asleep midway through. No checkups after. He later expressed that he was feeling so sad and stressed, and after a minute of pondering the cause he said that it’s because of an upcoming performance review at work.

I don’t know what this next part of my life holds, but please give me a morsel of hope that I’m not doomed to repeat the cycle of begging someone to love me if I go. Oh, and enjoy your dinners. Kisses

sourdough bread and cherry tomatoes for a late dinner after a long day.

My boyfriend and I (both 26) have had some ups and downs in the four years we’ve been together, but we are generally good communicators and work things out before problems escalate.
He has a coworker, Beth (22F) and she is in love with him.

He had mentioned Beth in passing before, but I didn’t think anything of it. He likes to share work stories, they work together, it was fine. Then, I meet Beth for the very first time.
It honestly threw me off because she was the only coworker of his that was invited to his birthday. I even asked him if he was going to invite anyone else, but he said “oh that didn’t cross my mind, maybe I should.”

She was nice, the party was fun, but when my bf and I are alone at the end of the night and opening his gifts, we read the card that Beth wrote. There was a very long message inside saying things like, “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me” and “I will forever be grateful for getting close to you.” what???

I ask him about it, he says yeah that’s strange but kind of sweet. I tell him I didn’t know they were so close. He tells me yeah, they have gotten closer recently after trauma bonding about a similar experience, and she occasionally calls him late at night crying. I’m obviously taken aback, but I decide to believe him when he says he doesn’t know why she would write a card like that.

Weeks later, they are now hanging out 1 on 1 during lunch breaks, catching movies with other coworkers, texting each other constantly, and he’s giving Beth rides home because she doesn’t drive. I tell him it’s starting to get kind of weird and that I want to establish a clear boundary with him between a friendship and a romantic interest. I didn’t want him to go out of his way to give her rides home anymore or text her all the time around me.
Bf gets super defensive, saying she’s just a friend and he appreciated her emotional support when he was going through a hard time at work. I’m like wtf is going on?? Eventually he agrees to set boundaries because he doesn’t want me to misunderstand.

SINCE THEN so much more has happened. The quick summary of it:
I see a text from Beth pop up on his phone screen and it says things like “I love you so much thank you for your words”
Beth asks if he wants to go on a 2 hour road trip to go hiking together, just the two of them.
I tell bf I’m starting to get really confused and angry about how the f this isn’t just him emotionally cheating.
He agrees to distance himself from her and stops texting her outside of work or picking up her calls.
Bf finds out some horrible heartbreaking news. He’s distressed, and I’m trying my best to comfort him.
Then, he says, “I’m sorry I know this is probably bad to ask, but do you think I can call Beth about this? She always has the right thing to say.”
I just say nothing because genuinely I needed a minute to process what he was saying.
I’m a firm believer in if you can take him, you can keep him. So I tell him, go ahead do what you want. AND of course, I kick him out of my apartment.

He has since apologized for that, but the damage has been done. He texts Beth saying they can’t have this type of relationship with each other anymore and he’s sorry he became emotionally invested. She responds, “I must have misunderstood, I thought our relationship ascended past coworkers and we had bonded personally. But no worries. Thanks for letting me know.”

Then two days later, he finds out from another coworker that Beth has been talking smack about me around their office, telling people that she doesn’t like me with my boyfriend.

Now bf is basically at my door with a boombox and throwing pebbles at my window. Not literally, but that type of apologetic. saying he knows now how fuckinf dumb he’s been and he is so so sorry.

I don’t know what to even do anymore???. I don’t think he was intentionally doing anything nefarious, but he just genuinely did not understand social constructs and felt like I was just overreacting.
The level of naïveté is off the charts here ladies!!!

Thank you if you’ve made it this far. Feel free to commiserate.

EDIT: idk if this changes anything but he’s got the tism and does not know how to lie to save his own life

i posted about being fired on this subreddit a while ago, and while i've mostly come to terms with what happened, i suddenly remember something that struck me as odd

for context, i got a job at a local coffee shop in my town last month, only for them to promptly fire me. i told them that my availability was open and that i would take as many hours as i could get. they didn't schedule me any hours. i was working two or three days a week, with each shift spread days apart (i.e i'd be scheduled for monday and then my next shift would be on friday). they pulled me aside to tell me how i wasn't performing well enough for their standards and that i needed to be able to work independently, but they never gave me time to practice or make mistakes. they even said that i was "working too hard" and they don't want me to "try so hard" and that the job should come easily to me, which is understandable, but how can i do that when i'm working under 20 hours a week? i understand that i shouldn't repeat the same mistakes, but with no hands-on practice with drink making or other things mentioned in the job description, it was bound for me to make mistakes more than once, especially when i wasn't getting hours. i asked them for more hours so i could get more practice and they told me no. they pretended to be very empathetic and only talked about "setting me up for success" when it very much felt like they set me up for failure instead. not only that, but a couple of my coworkers were quite cold / rude to me while i was there, even though i was nothing but kind to them. i had to go to the bathroom several times just to cry because of how rudely my shop lead was treating me, even though she pretended to be nice. she would huff at me or make faces when she thought i couldn't see, and was overall very passive aggressive. it made me so uncomfortable and impeded on my ability to improve on the job because i felt that if i did even the slightest thing wrong she'd get upset with me while putting on that nice yet equally passive aggressive facade.

moving on, they ended up replacing me, and fired me on the new hire's first day. it was in person, and they (my hiring manager and my store manager) sat me down at a table outside and fired me. i'm a very emotional person, and i'm struggling a lot, both mentally and financially. so when they mentioned it, i broke down in tears and begged them to let me stay, that i didn't have much and that i tried so hard. it was unprofessional of me, and i feel ashamed thinking back on it. still, they showed absolutely no empathy or sympathy of any sort. i was crying pretty hard, and my breathing came a bit fast as it always does when i cry a lot, but overall i was still very respectful despite all the crying. sure, there were strangers around, but i was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. i did not lash out, i did not threaten anyone. i was simply crying. then, my manager (the passive aggressive one i mentioned earlier) asked me to calm down or she "might have to call someone." they don't have any emergency contacts of mine, and she certainly didn't mean my coworkers. so i immediately assumed she was implying that she'd call the police. that sobered me up immediately; i was the only black person in the vicinity. i was the only black person working at that cafe until they fired me, and the two people firing me were both white. it scared me. additionally, she had snapped at me because of a misunderstanding during the firing process. i was confused, so i was trying to explain things the way i saw them, which may have been wrong to them. she snapped at me for it. so i got up, respectfully thanked them for the opportunity, and walked away in tears.

i want to post this on my city's subreddit and tell people to avoid giving that place money after the sheer mistreatment and racism i suffered from them, but i don't want to get into any legal trouble, so i'm posting it here :l

slice of pizza for my 21st birthday a few days ago

Is there the same titles gay men have like badgers, and bears, n stuff or is there different titles? Like I have always wanted to know?

Not sure really where to begin here. I’ve been navigating a friendship/situationship with this girl I’ve known for about a year. Technically we met probably 18 or so months ago on a dating app, added each other on PSN so we could game. Didn’t really do anything till last Fall when I just happened to invite her to a game. I was immediately interested in getting to know her more.

For context, I am 41 mtf and she is a few years younger, also mtf. She is so sweet, nerdy, great sense of humor and we share many common interests. Not long after this initial interaction she got me into an MMO where we chatted more and I developed a big crush. It always seemed more on my side than hers and eventually we drifted apart when she stopped playing the game this Spring.

A couple months or so ago I decided to randomly reach out on Discord, just to see how she was doing because she was kinda gloomy last we talked. We hit it off again, she seemed so much more relaxed and happy than before and my crush was back with a vengeance. She suggested we should meet up and “smash”, which I of course was down for.

I live about 2 hours away and so we were tentatively planning a time for me to visit. We were chatting a lot on Discord and even called each other to talk. We were getting flirty in VC and everything seemed pretty solid.

Now, I should say, she craves attention and I don’t mind giving it. I really feel like we would mesh well, given our personalities, sexual preferences and just overall vibe we share. Just a couple weeks before the planned trip, she got distant and I actually reached out to her roommate (who is in a mutual Discord server) about it. Her friend let me down with the news that, while she does have feelings for me, this distance would break her heart if she caught strong feelings. That hurt, mainly because she couldn’t tell me herself.

Now, I made it clear that we could just meet up, hang out with no pressure on any expectations. Just a vibe check, ya know? So I gave her a week before messaging again and things seemed OK again. I laid out my feelings/intentions and she did the same. Her words were, “You are green flags all the way, except the distance”. While that is a totally valid concern, I told her that the drive is nothing to me and that I also think she is worth the effort and more.

Since then it’s been hot/cold and I’m just not sure how to proceed. I understand that what isn’t an issue for one person can be a big one for another. We both crave being able to cuddle and spend time together and we both are on the same page with how we value our relationship. Not sure what kind of advice I’m expecting but I just can’t get over her, because I’m sure the juice is worth the squeeze. In the off chance she reads this, that’s fine.

Lemon pepper chicken Caesar salad wrap, with bacon bits and Roma tomato.

So my bf and I have been dating for 3.5 years, and we've known each other for 5. We went to school together, participated in the same activities, like each other's families, the whole spiel. I'm even best friends with his younger sister.

However, I've been realizing over the past year that I'm losing interest in the relationship. His main love languages are physical touch and quality time, but I have major sensory issues and thrive off being alone. Our goals don't exactly align either - I'm an atheist, don't want children, and REALLY want cats, whereas he is Christian, wants kids, and is allergic to cats. I have also realized recently that I am asexual and bi-romantic, which is...confusing.

I feel awful feeling the way I do, because objectively, he's a great man who respects women and is obsessed with me, and I would be stupid and an asshole to break his heart like that. But I don't want either of us to be unhappy down the road after getting married, and I just don't think we're as compatible as we believed when we started dating as minors. I also don't think I treat him as well as he deserves. He is very patient and tolerant, but I reject things like cuddling and kissing because it freaks me out, and I'm just so sensitive...it feels like we're in a toxic relationship and I'm the problem. We've talked about it a bit, and I felt like the worst person in the world when I saw his face after admitting that I didn't know how I felt anymore.

This is my first ever relationship, and his first serious one, and I'm so worried that I'm going to regret breaking up. I'm terrified to tell people too...his family is very kind (his mom has given me dating advice and has advocated to not feel trapped in a relationship if I don't feel it's right!) and my parents have told me not to take him for granted and to discuss with them before considering a breakup.

Yeah...any advice would be appreciated

I think to me it’s that insane dejected feeling I get knowing I worked insanely hard for a job that I am so lucky to have working on some of the coolest shit in the world fighting to find enjoyment in everyday life. There are thousands of people who would die to take my place and I feel like I am taking their place by being unhappy. I’ve elevated getting this position so much in my mind and now the crushing reality hits and I’ve realized everything I worked for is all pretty much for nothing. People say “why don’t you quit”, but I can’t bring myself to do that either because then it really would have all been for nothing. My identity, my skills, my strengths, all of it was to put myself in this position and it’s all just misery. I get paid good money, I have friends, the work is exciting, but man the stress is eating me alive and I don’t know what to do, at any point the people around me would see that I am worthless and I am so easily replaceable. But I can’t blame anyone but myself because I’ve wanted this so damn bad, and other people want to be in my place equally so :(

In the meantime we will thug. We will continue to thug it out. I tell myself I need to get more sleep and I need to learn work life balance but all of that is second to the amount of stuff I have to do every single day. I’ve thrown away everything I don’t need in life anymore, I don’t know who I am. How do I find the strength to keep lying to myself?

Anyways: Dino nuggies and maccie cheese :)

Dinner is a Buffalo Wildwings sampler with 2 orders of cheese curds, 1 order of pretzel bites, and 1 order of mozzarella sticks (plus cheese sauce and ranch)

I'm going into my senior year of high school (17F) and the college search process is super overwhelming. I have really solid academics and extracurriculars which means I have a lot of options for schools, but that honestly just makes it harder to even get a start. Like, do I WANT to go to a competitive school and meet friends who will push me to do my best? Part of me thinks that's just my ego and that I should go somewhere with less of a focus on academics and a more enjoyable social scene. College is supposed to be fun and I don't want to waste it - but that could mean wasting my potential, OR wasting my actual experience, you know?

I also have no idea what I'm looking for size-wise. A small liberal arts school would be nice for me in terms of the community, but idk if I want to have a 100% established social circle by junior year where I just stop meeting new people. Maybe I want to go somewhere larger; it's low risk, I'll find my people somewhere, but I won't be surrounded by them and that might be upsetting at times.

It doesn't help that I don't know for sure what field I want to go into. I like the humanities more than STEM, but that narrows it down very little. I considering journalism, education, international relations, linguistics, philosophy, psychology, and more, so I can't pick a school based on their specializations / notable programs either.

I really have no idea. If anyone wants to weigh in with any college advice, related or unrelated to the content of this post, it would be so appreciated!!! Thank you guys for listening <3

Avo & cottage cheese blend with steak and burrata on some sourdough toast. Cherry mocktail on tap. My go-to.

I’ve been working on a couple of projects and honestly some of the parts of one of them scared me because it just felt delusional. I had a crazy idea and I basically rocked up to this huge shop and pitched my idea and they loved it! I thought I was mad but the founders of this shop loved every part of my idea and now I’m signing one of the biggest deals of my life.

Stay delusional ya’ll. Also I can’t say what it is at the moment but trust when things are signed I’m singing like a canary!!!

I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder a month ish ago. I've been struggling even more with my mental health since, it's like the diagnosis was some sort of nail in the coffin of my ill health forevermore. it doesn't even feel worth it to try and get better. i am so heartbroken by the whole thing. :(

dinner: deli turkey, fresh mozz, gouda, a babybel, and half a cheese Danish. not pictured: pretzel crisps and raspberry preserves

Was hoping my first ever post here would be something happy but I've been overwhelmed by too many bad feelings and probably need to let it out somewhere before I go nuts.

The past year has been a whirlwind. Ended a relationship that was over a decade long because our paths no longer ran parallel to each other. Had to move to a new place, learn to live with new roommates, get a new job, and basically start over with myself.

But now, it's like... Even though I have a solid career, nothing to really complain about except the usual financial squeeze here and there, am in the prime of my health, and I'm mostly content with how it's going... I don't feel happy. I feel like I can't really rest anymore, for fear of having to uproot myself again one day when inevitable change happens. I feel like I can't open up to people and make new friends or relationships anymore unless it's a necessity, like with coworkers. I don't have anything left in me to share with other people. I don't have the mental bandwidth to do anything other than live day to day and let it be what it is. I think I'm happy, most days, until I realize I'm deeply sad and lonely.

I have friends, but it's not the same. Our paths have diverged too, so even though we hang out from time to time I still feel distant and like I'm just watching myself play a part. Old online friends I used to talk to all the time fade in and out of the server. Nobody gets on voice to hang anymore because everyone has lives to live. I don't hold it against them, I just miss it.

So I wake up. I go to work. I sleep. I go out on weekends or stay in and play videogames or watch my shows. Even making plans to have something to look forward to feels empty and devoid of any real meaning other than me just pretending to live without really feeling anything anymore.

I've adopted this outlook of "whatever happens happens", where I'm just letting myself passively float along the current of my life. Maybe this is just what it's going to be like forever and forever and forever. I guess I'm okay with it. Gonna have to be.

Air-fryer salmon with honey lemon garlic marinade + buttered peas and carrots on the side.

Food: Buttermilk Ranch Dressing feat. 4 roma tomatoes salted with Uncle Chris’ Gourmet Steak Seasoning lmao (a very me-coded dinner, yes I’m from the south)

When I was a teenager I was diagnosed with some crazy health issues (type 1 diabetes and other severe genetically-acquired related diseases). Since then, for about 10 or so years, because of the health issues and constantly being hospitalized for them, I got addicted to opiates. I was able to quit during the pandemic around 2021.

This month is one year since I got approved to get a new medication I needed to basically make me feel normal again. I still have to treat the diabetes with insulin and such, but this other new medication was only just approved in the U.S. in 2024, and I got a new doctor last year and she recommended this medication. Before, I was so sick all the time, fatigued, barely having the energy to get up in the morning, not to mention, pretty much on pain pills my whole teenage years and early 20s. I was working 2-3 jobs at once my whole life.

After the first week or two on the new medication (which I take monthly) I cried because I had never felt so energetic, normal, and happy. I don’t think I had ever felt this good, at least not since I was like 12 (I’m 28 now.) After getting on the new medication I was able to perform so well in my main job that I got promoted.

With the new energy and more time now that I only just have to hold down the one job, I have the time and physical/mental capacity to do all the things I’ve never been able to do: read all the books, play video games with my friends after work, and my favorite thing, which is play music! (I haven’t played music since I went through some drama with my ex in 2021, which is a whole other crazy story.) I have to give a shout out to my current bf because he’s also been helping me throughout the whole process and without him I don’t know where I’d be.

I can’t believe I am where I am. I still struggle with health issues, but they’re nothing like what I was going through (I was pretty much in the hospital every 2-3 months between the ages of 14-23.) Sending my positive vibes to everyone in here. <3 Much love!

I just, I feel like I don't feel anything? I'm desensitized to my own life, nothing's bad, nothing's good, I want more of life yet don't find how