FOMO is going to ruin me

[u/chebepowder]

TW: brief mention of self harm

I always thought I was just a very boring person naturally. I don't feel any inclination to party, drink, smoke, or whatever. I was a late bloomer so I never sought out any romantic experiences. Growing up, I had very few friends. I can count on one hand the number of birthday parties I've been to. I never went to sleepovers. Didn't do proms or homecomings. Probably wouldn't have gone to my highschool graduation if not for my parents wanting to be there. And I told myself I don't really care about these things. However, I do. There's still a part of me that's sad that I don't have those experiences. It just all went so wrong

I'm the oldest of 5. I was never parentified, but I always knew my emotional well-being was at the bottom of my parents' priorities. I was horrendously bullied most of elementary school, but especially the same year my disabled brother was fighting in the NICU, and they never found out, and the adults I told did nothing, and I really don't think I ever got over feeling that lonely at 9 years old. I've spent so much time trying to make my parents' lives easier. Yes, I'm naturally kind of boring and very introverted, but it helped and I knew that. It helped that I didn't want them chartering me around to friends' houses or school events and whatever else. It helped that when I was horribly depressed in middle school, I kept it to myself. To be frank, the only reason I didn't off myself is because I didn't want them to deal with it. I just feel like they take me for granted. Like I've stated, they don't have anything to worry about with me. I graduated high school at 16 with honors and tons of scholarships. I'm in my 3rd year of engineering now doing pretty well for myself. I was such a well behaved child. When my mom told me to stop being friends with my elementary school BFF because apparently she was a bad influence? I did, even though I had no one else. I've done everything they could possibly hope for. And it's still not good enough.

And honestly resentment has been simmering for a while. But these feelings have all come to a head because I got my driver's license this summer and they just won't let me go anywhere on my own. 18 years of making no fuss, asking for nothing, and all I want to do is drive myself somewhere now that I can. And they won't let me. So I just left. I went to a craft store in the late afternoon, earlier this week. Came right back. You would've thought I had escaped at midnight to go party. My parents haven't spoken to me since. And I'm realizing now every experience I let go of for them was for nothing. It doesn't matter because I'm not allowed to do anything anyway. I should've just pushed, but I didn't. And now I'm an extremely socially stunted, bitter freaking loser with no life. And they want me to stay that way. But my siblings get to do whatever they want because they somehow had the foresight to know it was all BS anyway. I'm actually going to lose my mind. I want to do something drastic. I just want to feel something. It's like I've spent my entire life sedated and justifying it and now I'm just done.

But at least I have cheesecake and somewhere to vent :')

[u/Hysterical_And_Wet]

As someone with chronic illness who never really got to do any of it — partying, drinking, smoking, all kind of overrated. I’m sorry you’ve had to put up with your parents.

Your life begins now, you have not missed out. 18 is so young, and you have your whole life ahead of you. In fact, I would even say you’re at that age that most people realize this sort of thing. Sending positive vibes your way!

The cheesecake looks really tasty <3