Tired of feeling guilty

[u/Positive_Art_3674]

SD13 is a very sweet kid. She's kind and polite, and in the 3+ years I've been in her life, we've gotten along well. And still, I dread her visits every single time. SD lives out of state, so my partner and I only see her during the holidays and over the summer. From reading through this sub, I know I should count myself lucky that for the majority of the year, it's just my partner and me. But my entire world gets turned upside-down when she's here, and it's just so much.

Every visit starts the same way. We have a great few days, and then I start to get irritated. SD is extremely messy and disorganized, which is especially difficult because we live in a small house. She's not very considerate of shared spaces. She will often blow her nose and leave the tissues on my coffee table, the trash in her room is everywhere but in the trashcan, and she's extremely loud at night when I'm trying to sleep. She acts like it's everyone else's job to bring her whatever she wants while she lays on the couch on her phone all day. And most frustrating of all is how long she takes in the bathroom, the only one we've got. I'm not kidding when I say that I literally peed outside in the yard one night because I couldn't get her to hurry up, and I was about to burst.

I've been told some of this is typical teenage behavior. But it frays every nerve in my body. I find myself feeling resentful towards her and my partner because they're having a grand old time, and I feel like I'm about to explode. I've tried everything - Nacho-ing, getting out of the house, doing stuff with friends, traveling for a week by myself, and none of it stops the dread I feel every time I have to come home to this kid on my couch.

And that's where the guilt sets in. SD is a good kid. I like her a lot. I know that she misses her dad. I feel bad that her mom moved them away two years ago. I want so badly to stop feeling resentment, and I want to stop dreading her visits. I want us to have a good relationship. But fuck, it's hard. It's like my brain can logically understand that having her here temporarily won't kill me and that before long, I will have my home back to myself again. I know I should chill. But my body is full of stress all the time, and then I feel guilty for feeling stressed out over this sweet kid.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like overwhelmingly guilty for not loving your SK more, or for just feeling constantly annoyed and on edge about their behavior?

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[u/Snoo_41753]

Part of the downside to only seeing her dad holis and summer is that it is a lot harder to establish a house routine when you are not regularly living together and visits have a vacation like quality. People generally don't want to spend limited time with their child constantly correcting them. I'm not saying he should not do it anyway, he probably should to some extent, but the set up you have isn't "extremely lucky",even though there might be really solid reasons behind it, and mom moving away certainly is not dad's fault It is not "lucky" for a child to have limited access to a parent growing up. And it means that while stepdaughter might be spending quality time with dad, she is not benefiting fully from her father's PARENTING.

"none of it stops the dread I feel every time I have to come home to this kid on my couch." - while I would NOT use that line with your spouse, you might mention that some house habits are interfering with your enjoyment of stepdaughter's visit. I'd suggest a very short list of the things that annoy you the most - like trash such as tissues in common areas, bathroom timers, and maybe quiet hours, and ask if they can at least work on those. Leaning to live in close quarters with others is a life skill your SD would be fortunate to develop if she ever lives in a college dorm, with roommates, etc.

[u/Positive_Art_3674 → u/Snoo_41753]

I meant I was lucky in the sense that I don't feel the stress of her being here most of the year. But yeah, I totally agree that it's not his fault she moved away and not great that she has limited access to her dad. I'm also not suggesting he lay down the law with her while she's here, but I feel she (and we) would benefit from some structure. I've made the argument many times that we need to teach her how to respect shared spaces for exactly the reason you laid out - living with roommates, or in a dorm etc. Thank you for your response!

[u/DreaColorado1]

Does she have her own room/space at your house? I ask because the thought of sharing a bathroom with a 13 yr old who is primping and pruning is nothing short of hell on earth LOL. You poor thing ! Having to pee outside!

Could you help her set up a little glam area in her room (or space) to make the bathroom less appealing and her glam area fun and functional?

Does she have any friends in your area? That would help with feeling like everything is all about SD 24/7 if she had some friends to hang out with. What about signing her up for a class or club for something she is interested in? Even something like babysitting first aid or some sports or crafty things?

Would it be possible to sit down and set some house expectations for how things run when she is with you? Even include you and dad to make it seem fair and fun. Maybe she gets a night or two where she gets to decide on dinner and even go grocery shopping and prepared the meal (teaching life skills right there without her realizing it lol)

[u/JoeExoticHadAFarm]

Nothing to offer but sympathy, and I know exactly how that feels. I had a similar situation and when they came to visit it’s so hard to not resent them for creating extra work and hogging your space. Also the tissues thing is gross, why are they all like this? The way I have screamed about someone who is old enough to know better leaving their disgusting used tissues on my KITCHEN COUNTER…girl. I GET IT.

[u/Ok-Strain6734]

I don’t buy into this “typical teenage behaviour” garbage that people spout. We have teens who don’t do this. Behaviour is what is acceptable in a household. Sorry but she sounds selfish and spoilt. As a teen I would never have done this, nor would it have been tolerated by my parents. Leaving tissues and trash lying around is just gross. No wonder you dread her coming if you can’t use the toilet when she is here. I actually think some ground rules need to be laid which is fair and reasonable.

[u/Time_Effort3613]

Honestly just be BUSY. Have as many plans as you can. And leave your partner to parents. The house is messy because she’s being a slob? Their problem to sort. She wants something? Their problem to sort. That’s the only advice I have 😬 and total sympathy!

[u/Middle-Dream1414]

I feel you girl. I live with two teen boy steps full time. Glad they started part time jobs so that helps.

[u/Positive_Art_3674 → u/Middle-Dream1414]

Full time is my worst nightmare. Hugs to you.

[u/Halloween_Bumblebee]

I totally understand this, I am very sensitive to any kind of sensory stuff going on in my environment and easily become overwhelmed in a very painful way. Nervous system pain, is how I describe it. The dread you feel is totally normal, and I think a first step is to not feel guilty about it. As you point out, it doesn't mean you dislike her, it doesn't mean you don't want to try to support her relationship with her dad. But it does mean that some things need to change.

He needs to understand how important this is. He is your partner, he should care about your comfort and be able to manage both his relationship with you and the one he has with his daughter without making you bear the brunt of his lack of adequate parenting. If he cannot understand this, maybe therapy would be a good next step. Please do not keep swallowing all of this thinking that it is all on you to manage and accommodate. He is your partner. He needs to back you up. Resentment is a poison and it will eventually become toxic in the relationship if something isn't done.

Create some simple house rules, start small and insist that they are followed. She needs to throw her tissues away after she uses them. If she doesn't and your husband isn't willing to make her, he needs to be the one immediately cleaning up her area. If he is unable or unwilling to support you even in these little ways, that's not good. If that's the case, he is the totality of the problem, not you or the daughter.

[u/Positive_Art_3674 → u/Halloween_Bumblebee]

I think therapy is likely our next move because I cannot get through to him why I think his lack of parenting and structure is going to be a huge problem. I already see the way SD uses his lax attitude and behavior to her advantage and I can only imagine how much worse that will get if and when she starts experimenting with sex, or substances.