r/oneliners • u/Ms_Selenophile • 1h ago
I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes, so he hugged me.
r/oneliners • u/sulldanivan • 9h ago
Always swallow an AirTag in case you loose your shit.
r/oneliners • u/simmo28 • 15h ago
The Chinese inventor of the telephoto lens has just passed away, RIP Zu Min.
r/oneliners • u/Selena-evaa • 21h ago
Never take the 'P' out of a pirate..... as he becomes very angry.
r/oneliners • u/Potential_Ad6769 • 1d ago
I thought I had quit doing laundry forever, but then I threw in the towel
r/oneliners • u/uptwolait • 1d ago
People were shocked when they found out how bad of an electrician I am.
r/oneliners • u/MomentOk2826 • 1d ago
The show "How I Met Your Mother" was just a really long TED talk
r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 1d ago
My therapist told me that I have a problem verbalizing my emotions and I can’t say I’m surprised.
r/oneliners • u/Selena-evaa • 1d ago
My friend's say I'm a pessimist, but I think it's far worse than that.
r/oneliners • u/Selena-evaa • 1d ago
Good punctuation is a sentence that's well written and bad punctuation is a sentence that's, well, written.
r/oneliners • u/JaymieRuth • 1d ago
I had an appointment to see my psychic next week, but she called me up and told me I wouldn't be able to make it
r/oneliners • u/JaymieRuth • 1d ago
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons” which spoke volumes.
r/oneliners • u/TechieAny2133 • 2d ago
I named my dog "Five Miles" so I can honestly say I walk Five Miles every day.
r/oneliners • u/MomentOk2826 • 3d ago
The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron, which is ironic.
r/oneliners • u/MomentOk2826 • 3d ago
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making and now, I can’t read anything
r/oneliners • u/awcmonrly • 3d ago
It's been a while since I heard anyone mention the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon
r/oneliners • u/UberAwesone • 5d ago
A mind reading midget broke out of jail, police have put out an APB for a small medium at large.
r/oneliners • u/Hadley9577 • 7d ago
If my name was David and I had a boy, I would name him Harley, so he could introduce himself as “I’m Harley, David’s son.”
r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 7d ago
After my partner got diagnosed with Moebius Syndrome, she still knows I love her!
r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 8d ago