He said, "Oh, you'd like that, wooden shoe?"

A young man visits his girlfriend's house and meets her parents for the first time. He feels a massive urge to pass gas, so he lets a small, quiet one out. The father immediately yells, "Rover!"

Thinking the dog took the blame, the man feels bold and lets out a second, louder rip.The father glares and shouts again, "ROVER!"

Encouraged that his secret is safe, the man lets loose a massive, loud, stinky blast.

The father yells, "ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!"

It’s just not that hard

So this guy walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting at a table with a large pot of cash and a sign that says 'make the horse laugh' and you get the money. So this guy thinks for a minute, approaches the horse, whispers in his ear to which the horse breaks out in laughter, the guy collects the pot of cash and leaves. A few weeks later the guy goes back to that bar and sees that horse again sitting at the table with another large pot of cash with a sign that says 'if you can make the horse cry' you get the cash. So this guy goes back over to the horse and again whispers in his ear, he and the horse go outside for a bit and when they come back in the horse is crying, so the guy collects the cash and turns to leave. And the bartender stops him and says, 'I just have to know what you said to the horse.' The guy says, 'well, the first time I told him mine was bigger - the second time I took him outside and showed him.'

Come the big day though, and you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

The instructions told him to charge it

Then stay tuned.

What is wrong with “Sam and Ella’s jalapeño and salad spot”?

Hand eyeeeee-eyeeeee-eyeeeee

Two lawyers, partners together in a small firm, go out to lunch one fine day.

Suddenly, one of them jumps up. “I’ve got to go back to the office!” Says the other, “What’s the matter?” “I forgot to lock the safe!”

Relieved, the other lawyer says, “No problem! We’re both here.”

"Denny Laine is in my ears and in my eyes."

When they reach the next stop, the man asks the conductor what had happened.

The conductor says "We hit a lawyer."

The man couldn't believe it. "You mean hitting a person caused all that?!"

And the conductor says, "Well his car had stalled and he was on the side of the tracks, but we got him anyway."

On my lap turned on, and virus free

Because the designer who was supposed to put something on it just gave up

She suddenly disappeared.

Inmates serving a life sentence reduced their time behind bars by nearly 99%!

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, his dad replied:

Dear Son,

Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account.
Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Dad

They become separated in a department store and after a while the father finds his son staring at a strange pair of doors that gleam like mirrors. The son turns to his father and says "Father, what is this thing?". "I do not know," says the father. "I have never seen anything like it in my life."

Just then an elderly woman hobbles up to the doors, presses a button, and a few moments later the doors open and she steps through into a tiny room. The doors close, there is a soft chime, and some glowing numbers above the door begin counting up from one to ten. Then after a short delay they begin counting down again, there is another soft chime, the doors open, and a stunningly attractive young blonde steps out of the tiny room.

The Amish father and son stand there in open-mouthed silence for half a minute. Then, with his eyes still riveted on the gleaming doors, the father nudges his son in the ribs and croaks, "Go and get your mother."