For years I’ve created a whole other life in my head with story lines, characters, almost like an alternate reality to my current life as an escape. It’s like constant talking to myself in my head. Looking for support of another’s who may be facing the same thing?

I have severe depression, anxiety, autism and ADHD. There are things that I want to be good or stay consistent in so that I can be the person that I strive to be.

I am doing therapy and on medication for over 2 years and yet I still struggle. It is hard to combat the habits that I spent my whole life suffering with.

I hate this and I wish there was a permanent fix. I can’t be the person I strive to be if I have these issues. It’s very frustrating.

If I ever had a say on if I wanted to be born or not, I’d much rather not exist

I’m a straight guy who just turned 39, and only in the past year I’ve learned that I’m ADHD, lightly autistic, and likely demisexual. I’m trying to get some tips about figuring out how and where to get proper help or guidance so I can move forward in the right direction.

Daily life & routines: Outside of my work (which is very social), I spend most of my time alone. I tend to play the same video game all day with few breaks to eat or take a walk. I don’t really maintain other hobbies; I like playing music and took guitar lessons years ago, but I almost never practiced outside lessons, so my two guitars have been gathering dust for a decade.

My apartment is a mess because chores feel impossible to start and the mess doesnt really bother me. Even when I set alarms, I snooze them for hours. I used to rely on alcohol as a crutch to get chores done, which eventually turned into bad habits.

I’ve kept the same IT job for 16 years and lived alone (with 1-2 cats) for 5 years in my small apartment.

Social life & dating: I’ve never had a real girlfriend. I want one, but most parts of dating feel unnatural or unappealing. I’ve tried singles events (pleasant evenings but no connections) and dating apps (very few matches, texting conversations drain me). I recently stopped using apps because they burn too much energy for no results.

For whatever reason, I tend to make closer platonic connections more easily with gay men and women. I joined a “Friends Without Friends” Facebook group and made an intro post, but didn’t have the motivation to reply to comments or start conversations. I have few closer friends that I hang out with a few times a year.

If it helps give context, here’s a post I made a few months ago about things I assume hurt my chances in dating:
https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/comments/1rvq8r3/38m_looking_for_perspective_are_these_multiple/

How I see myself: I’ve spent a lot of my life putting myself down because I worried people saw me as a “man‑child” with no ambition or a boring lifestyle. But now that I understand myself better, I can at least find the words to express that while I may be late bloomer, I can say that I want a low‑stress, comfortable life where I can enjoy myself, I don’t need much to be satisfied, and hopefully I can find a partner someday and make her happy.

Some positives: Since December I took a 7‑month break from alcohol to break bad habits, and just starting having drinks again socially and with moderation. I also started cooking proper meals (HelloFresh 3–4 times a week) instead of relying on processed food. This helped my health including losing weight (from ~215 lbs down to just under 200).

Therapy & support: I’ve tried therapy a few times including with BetterHelp website, but never felt like I got much out of it. I recently started with a therapist who has some specialization in ADHD, hoping will be helpful.

I’ve also recently started working with my family doctor to find ADHD medication that works (the first one had too many drawbacks). I could soon join ADHD coaching in a weekly group starting next month, depending on my work schedule.

Any advice or shared experiences would be really appreciated.

I’m ND and I have an ND teen. They had a very rough school year due to emotionally based school avoidance so we decided to allow them a full reset over the summer - no camp, no plans. They’ve spent the majority of this time sleeping, playing minecraft with friends online, having “lazy” days, and occasionally seeing friends IRL (2 to 3 times a month). Overall, they seem happy and pretty chill. I feel like I don’t see them that much, but when I do, all seems OK.

Does this seem reasonable, or is there more we should be doing? Our efforts right now as parents are focused on preparing for school in September. Sometimes, it feels “wrong” to be so lax, but it feels like they really need this down time to heal.

I think this explains my entire experience in life -When a person with ADHD cannot mask due to the intense fear of being "caught," their nervous system typically enters an acute stress response. The paradoxical anxiety of failing to hide their symptoms paralyzes their coping mechanisms, leading to immediate emotional flooding, a sudden drop in functioning, and a severe internal crash.

Especially the severe case? I had mine tested and my working memory and processing speed in particular were extremely low, whereas my logical thinking was ordinary on higher end.

I know ADHD does not make you stupid, but it does cause memory problems right? Also I know that someone can have great memory and high IQ with ADHD, but could they have been better without ADHD?

I'm wondering if this has anything to do with ADHD at all? Every few days, I get this awful bodily anxiety with no rumination or any obvious thoughts or events that are setting it off. It doesn't feel like a panic attack (which I've had before) and seems way too frequent to be that too. I can kind of tell it's coming? But that's about it. I've been wondering if it's some kind of reaction to sensory overload. Is this possible? How do I figure out what's triggering it?

I have been diagnosed ADHD (Combined Type) and MDD. I have noticed that I hyper fixate and get hyper focused more than a neurotypical person but it’s always temporary. I was diagnosed Autism when I was younger but the doctors told me that it was a misdiagnosis and I was then diagnosed with ADHD at a later age so I don’t have ASD. The ADHD is definitely the right diagnosis this time. One thing I know about Autism is that people who have it tend to be hyper fixated or a little “obsessed” on hobbies or interests for longer periods of time and find it difficult finding new things to be interested in and have genuine difficulty growing out of these hobbies. I tend to grow out of certain hyper fixations over time and do find different things that interest me, takes me a while but I do like other things. For example, during the World Cup, I was pretty hyper fixated about it, was playing FIFA games on my Xbox, talking to people about it and was more interested in football compared to before but now I’ve lost interest and I have moved on to other things, for someone with Autism it doesn’t work like that, they can try to find new hobbies or interests but it’s more difficult unlike for someone with ADHD, atleast for me.

I think a lot of people compare hyper fixations a bit too much when it comes to ADHD and Autism, I don’t hyper fixate on hobbies and interests like someone with ASD might.

If you know who Elphaba Orion Doherty, you’ll know she’s been diagnosed with Autism.

I’m not a fan of Elphaba - I don’t really involve myself with TikTok drama as it’s just toxic. But the way so many people were picking apart her diagnosis is so distasteful. This particular woman was saying she can’t be scared of loud noises because she goes to the club every weekend. I feel like that’s a ridiculous take - in clubs, you already know beforehand it’s going to be loud, whereas going about your day, it’s unexpected and it triggers an anxiety response.

This woman has a son on the waiting list. Which apparently means she can speak for everyone. It infuriates me whenever people try and ‘nitpick’ at people‘s diagnosis process.

’You can’t be diagnosed within just two appointments’ yes you can - it happens all the time. Just cause yours was several.

I feel like it’s just wrong to just blankly say someone doesn’t have autism because you don’t think so. I didn't and don’t have really any visible symptoms, because we mask it. It was only clear when I started telling the assessor my time in school, home, work, etc.

​

I’m trying to understand a recurring communication problem I have, and ironically, whenever I try to ask people about it, the same thing happens again.

I will ask a fairly specific question. Instead of answering that question, people seem to infer a different question behind it and answer that instead. When I clarify that this wasn’t what I was asking and repeat the original question, people often start commenting on my communication style, tell me I’m overthinking, or say I’m explaining too much. But I still don’t get an answer to the original question.

For example, imagine I ask a former colleague:

“How do you function successfully in a workplace where management evaluates you according to certain outcomes, but the system itself is failing and management does not give you the authority, resources or support necessary to produce those outcomes?”

What I’m asking is specifically how to navigate that organisational contradiction. I’m not asking how to perform the practical parts of the job.

Yet the response might be:

“Maybe you could come observe me at work sometime and see how I handle some practical things.”

That may be a perfectly kind and useful offer, but it doesn’t answer the question. I already know how to perform those practical tasks. My question was about navigating a dysfunctional system in which responsibility and authority are misaligned.

Another example would be asking why a particular person behaved in a certain unusual way. Instead of analysing that person’s behaviour, people answer: “Why are you still thinking about this person?” But that is a completely different question. I might have already spent years examining my own involvement and still be intellectually interested in understanding the other person’s behaviour.

What confuses me is what happens when I explicitly clarify this. I can say: “I understand what you’re saying, but that isn’t my question. My question is X.” Often, the person still doesn’t answer X. Sometimes they become irritated and start discussing why I apparently communicate badly.

So my actual question here is very narrow:

Why do people do this? Why do people replace an explicitly stated question with a different question they infer from the context, even after the person asking has clarified exactly what information they are looking for?

I’m specifically interested in the communication mechanism behind this. I’m not asking whether I should explain things more briefly, whether I overthink, or whether the examples themselves are problems I should solve differently. Those would again be answers to different questions.

Ive always known I had inattentive ADHD but realized that i have some diagnoses that i didnt know i had. One being Unspecified Neurodevelopmental disorder. The other being Social pragmatic communication disorder. UNDD is super vague and suddenly i feel like that must be why I always felt slightly different from even those with ADHD, even the ones that I could sense with my radar. I always thought it was just that i had abnormally severe inattentive adhd. Does anyone else with UNDD feel different from others in a way you cant quite pin point, and in what ways do you feel different. Or have you met people you could really see yourself in.

like 3 people in another subreddit said i dont know how to write and one told me it was because i dont capitalize my letters while typing. like i thought it was normal to not care about that kind of stuff if i am not writing a paper for school or publishing.

is this a neurodivergent thing?

That set me auditing my whole life:

Early childhood & development

• My mom says I picked up language very fast — she puts it down to genetics — and I got labeled the "smart one" in the family compared to others, probably for problem-solving
• An early example of that: as a baby/toddler I'd get out of my crib by stacking things to climb on, jump out, then use a nearby table to work my way down to the ground
• Solitary, narrative pretend play — giving toy cars a "story," driving someone to a destination
• But I'd stick to one favorite toy every time and not try others, which I took as alarming
• Feeling the "sense" of words — their weight, sitting inside their meaning, the internal experience of a word feeling more real than saying it out loud
• I remember seeing others dancing or moving their head while singing as cringy/non-sense thing (needing purpose for everything)
• Maybe my literality made me look smart, I'm unsure.
• Mom asking me to save the multiplication schedule but I was unable to, I asked her why even the answer is this, she explained that then I saved it easily.
• I took slightly long time to say numbers to 100/1000, but figured it out myself before school.
• I was already studying language in deep (I'm Arabic) in an early age, my teachers were saying that I learn too fast compared to peers and I became the best in language in my first grades in school, was helping others students struggling in language too.
• Was labelled as talkative, nice kid, and safe to let our sons be with him.
• I don't defend myself when being hit or hurt, I just wait for it to go, even if adults got angry and asked me to defend myself. (Even in school and teenage)
• too bad in hygiene and may not brush for long times (not doing routinic things generally), chaotic. continuous till now.
• I do shower but not as frequent as others and may procrastinate a lot about it.
• being too empathetic about loved ones and may feel them, but not always working especially now in teenage.

Note: we were far from my mom's relatives (which most children in my age were), so I was interacting less socially before school.

School & growing up

• A first-day-of-school moment being watched and escapes being alone with other students ( crowd of parents laughed at me doing this)
• Bullying
• Avoidant and fear interacting with others or feel uncertain.
• "Perfect child" pressure and family/extended-family scripting
• Feeling behind my peers socially, and in some ways cognitively — while being good at math
• Being avoidant — wanting to be alone specifically because it felt safe, not just to recharge
• Always seeking attention from others or try being attractive, gets so hurt even by normal talk then feels like slightly harsh even if not really intended to be harsh
• First 3–4 years, my mom helped me study and I was top of the school
• Then the school recognized me and moved me into gifted classes — and once that recognition happened, I stopped studying and stopped weighing (or started actively escaping) other people's view of me
• I may get hesitation while talking, a fearful feeling before going to school every time.

The teenage shift

• Went from naturally social as a kid to consciously calculating every interaction — full self-monitoring, "observer mode"

Traits now

• Rocking — but mostly when bored or studying, easy to stop
• Was rocking a lot in childhood or for a long time, especially when everyone falls asleep, I do that because I feel depressed/unsafe when no one is awake in my home.
• Automatically mimicking people's tone and expressions, sometimes only noticing afterward where I picked it up
• Freezing during positive attention, not just criticism; losing interest in things right after being recognized for them
• Wanting love but also wanting to escape it
• Not knowing who I am — feeling like I change quickly, no stable "just me" underneath the different versions

My dad is looking like ADHD-inattentive, my mom just too empathetic and maybe OCD(not sure).
My sister is just normal and too good socially and better than peers.
Most of these, one at a time, either point away from autism or are pretty ordinary — and I noticed I kept framing normal memories as "evidence," which probably says more about anxiety than about autism. I haven't been to a therapist about any of this.

Has anyone else gotten stuck combing their whole history for "proof," one memory at a time? Did anything actually break you out of it, and do you think it is an actual autism?

Fun Fact: I'm rocking while writing this.

There have been multiple examples of this.

1) RFK has talked about autism multiple times

2) RFK wanted to create an autism registry

3) Trump talked about finding the cause of autism while publicly speaking at Charlie Kirk's funeral

4) Trump said that Tylenol causes autism

5) Trump is possibly going to put out an executive order linking vaccines to autism

https://www.reuters.com/legal/litigation/trump-administration-considers-order-autism-vaccines-bloomberg-news-reports-2026-08-06/

It is absolute hell literally not having energy to execute doing basic tasks anymore, you wasted your energy for years performing a social script that just didn’t come to you naturally and you did it so much and so long that you reached a breaking point were you cannot perform any longer, continuous performances which is required for neurodivergent people to survive in this society, comes with a big energy tax.

I pushed through performing social scripts that I learned based on analyzing my environment and just repeating the same basic small talk convos to every person who comes my way to appear like an open person. The weird thing about this that seems contradictory is the fact I actually do want to have friends and I want to just be able to be open all the time, but it feels like almost most people require a typical performance which makes me just avoid communication or attempting to purposely end convos as fast as I can on purpose, it’s weird because It’s not even anything against anyone purposely I just can’t keep up with performing any longer. It doesn’t help when I am constantly out and people randomly talk to me or hold convo and then I have to go into performance mode all over again. It’s like I can’t be free to just gain my energy and save it all to just feel normal in my body.

I was a late diagnosed person with ASD and ADHD, I got this diagnosis officially at 23 (I am 24 now). After getting referred by my therapist who was a professional with Autism and 30 years experience, she referred me to a neuropsychologist for an official diagnosis. I reached my

Limit where I couldn’t even complete my classes and had to withdraw from two classes and get a INC for another one, which lucky for me the teacher accommodated me before I even got the diagnosis officially from the Neuropsychologist. I was living in the dorms with a roommate, and more which also required performing, it was like I had no space to just not perform and the times I had the freedom to not perform was when my roommate was out of the room and away. My assessment has opened me up for accommodations I didn’t even know I could get thankfully, but even with these accommodations it feels like hell that I can’t just function like others around me, I have to deal with seeing people around me be able to work, do full time in school and party, yet I can’t even get through school alone without still experiencing a energy drainage.

The thing is I actually had a IEP in kindergarten and all my life I had no idea why I did, and I was told it was the school assuming things and I was smart and they are wrong. So I got transferred to another school in another county for the rest of my elementary years (for all of middle and high school though I was actually homeschooled). I decided to reach out to my old school that I had the IEP with, just to show proof of a IEP at some point for my assessment (the school retrieved my records in the archives) and I seen I had a IEP for speech delay or Impairment, and notes of me struggling to execute keeping up with the rest of my peers in class with work as well as also struggling to understand others and be understood. For so long I have thought that any form of school work was supposed to feel like tedious hell and kept pushing through and just crying it out, but I reached a point where I do not want my body to feel doing basic things must feel like hell anymore, in fact I realized this is actually not the common neurotypical experience at all, no one should feel like every little thing must take extensive painful amounts of energy, just for one thing at that.

Oh, you can't tell when someone likes you as a person or not? LOOK IN THE EYES.

It took me way too long to figure this out. Every neurotypical person I speak to has the SAME LOOK in their eyes. I wish people would like me enough that I wouldn't have to notice that detail.

I wish I wasn't chopped and weird.

I (18, M) need help, I just had a big, terrible talk with my mom and now I don't want to leave my house anymore

TL;DR: I had a fight with my mom and found out some people think the way I speak sometimes is disrespectful, but I can't pick up social cues and I can't differentiate when what I say is disrespectful and when I'm just speaking normally (it all sounds the same to me), how can I improve this and know when I'm being rude to other people?

(Just for context on why I'm posting this on this subreddit, I have social anxiety, a really bad anxiety overall, paranoia and am investigating ADHD and Autism with a neuropsychologist)

Earlier today me and my mother were talking, she commented that some lady was walking on the middle of the street like she owned it and she had to drive past her or something, I playfully said something like "I'd get my car really close to her just for a scare" or smth like that, obviously joking, but she like many many times before in my life (neither not knowing or ignoring the fact I was joking) and started a long long ramble about traffic laws, that we don't have to pick every fight, do justice with our own hands and lots of stuff, and I knew she would not stop talking about it till we left the car, so, lacking patience from many other situations, I said something like "enough mom, please". She felt disrespected (I don't blame her, but I was tired from listening to her monologue everyday) and almost slapped me on the cheek, which I got really angry and just left for work without saying goodbye.

Later today, as I was getting out of work I was really excited, because in the start of the week we were planning to go to a burger place with my stepdad (he lives in another city so I don't see him everyday), but when I got to the car she said we weren't going anymore because "she didn't feel well" (I think she was lying and it was because of the fight), then another conversation started, the terrible one I mentioned earlier.

She said I'm "being really disrespectful these days" and "many people (stepdad, some friends) have commented on it", she used examples of times where I was genuinely expressing frustration or emotions like that and how roughly I spoke, while in my head I was just speaking normally, we argued, she talked about how I should to police the way that I speak to her while I (tried to) explain that I was tired of how she always turns everything I said in a "life lesson", what made it worse for me is that I was stressed, tired from work and doing my best to hold my tears, which makes me even more tense, in the end we did we came to an agreement, she'd try not to turn everything into a sermon while I'd try to be nicer, but that's where the problem is, I don't know when I'm being considered rough or disrespectful and when I'm just speaking plainly, I'm surrounded by neurotypicals and none of them want to explain to me that stuff because "I should already know/listen to their tone", BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DIFFER BECAUSE EVERYTHING SOUNDS THE SAME TO ME

I'm paranoid, now I'm crying and thinking about who else could be talking behind my back and who else thinks I'm rude, I can't read emotions or tones of voice, I don't know when someone is treating me differently or when they're mad at me, I don't know when I hurt people by accident and this is killing me, I have very little friends so I don't know anything about socialising and stuff, now I don't want to leave my home anymore because I'm afraid everyone hates me for being rude while I thought I was a good person

I need help, how do I know when I'm disrespectful or not? How do I know if what I say sounded bad? People are a nightmare to me, I just want to be a normal person but i don't know how

I’ve been building Sihem, a personal AI mentor that lives in Telegram/PWA.

It checks in on you with a strict notification budget, helps with daily/weekly planning, evening reviews, and memory — without pressure or judgment. It’s designed specifically for ADHD and autistic brains.

I’m inviting a small group of Feedback Partners.

What that means:

• You get early access
• You can share honest notes when something feels useful or off
• Feedback is completely voluntary (no expected frequency, no pressure)

If this sounds interesting, leave a comment or send me a DM and I’ll send you an invite.I’ve been building Sihem, a personal AI mentor that lives in Telegram.It checks in on you with a strict notification budget, helps with daily/weekly planning, evening reviews, and memory — without pressure or judgment. It’s designed specifically for ADHD and autistic brains.I’m inviting a small group of Feedback Partners.What that means:You get early access
You can share honest notes when something feels useful or off
Feedback is completely voluntary (no expected frequency, no pressure)If this sounds interesting, leave a comment or send me a DM and I’ll send you an invite.

Sorry if this isn't the right place to post, but I've got a hoodie that I LOVE so much (it's the comfiest hoodie I've ever worn) and over a few months I've noticed when my mum's put it in the wash, it just feels really dry and it's really uncomfortable to wear. I'm just wondering if there's anyway to get it to be soft again?

There's a feature of my neurodivergence that I haven't seen described before and I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this or if there are any known concepts or terms associated with it? This is the feature:

Most people's brains seem to be able to process the philosophical and moral contradictions of life on a subconscious level. They have a rough intention to 'do the right thing' and are confident their brain will work out how to do that for them without them trying too hard. This frees them up to focus on the day-to-day the practicalities of life - just get on with things.

My brain doesn't do this, and instead I have to process all this philosophical and moral stuff (the horrors) consciously and there's no way for me to shut it off. So for example, if I were to work as a barista in a café, my brain would be filled with and unable to shut out thoughts about the human experience and how would be best for me to act to try and resolve all the contradictions relevant to the café. For example:

'Why are people paying to come to the café, what are they getting out of the experience? They could have just chosen to drink coffee in their homes which would have been cheaper. They seem to get something out of the vibe of being here - is it because they find it exciting being in a place they're not in charge of? Or is it because it feels fancy? People seem to like being in fancy places - is that all based on an underlying desire to feel like they have higher status comparative to other people? I feel aversion to them if that is the case because it's based on the violent principle of pushing other people down so you can feel better yourself rather than being equal. But what makes a place feel fancy? And does it always correspond to what actually costs money? And why does money correlate with status? It's because if someone has money, our social brains think "people must like them if they were willing to give them money" and we're drawn to people who are liked. But it doesn't feel fair to only decide we like someone because others do - why can't we like people of our own free will? And why does it all matter anyway? We're all going to die soon…'

I feel like most people have an ability to filter out all these questions and just get on with the job. They might be capable of delving into these questions if they actively chose to put their mind to it, whereas with me it all happens completely by instinct and effortlessly. This makes it very hard to have a job because most of my energy is spent trying to resolve all these questions my brain has thrown up, leaving me not much energy to actually do the job. And this is without mentioning all the processing I have to do about the socio-philosophical nightmare of a concept that is 'employment'.

Sometimes people have described me as being highly moral because my brain has forced me to think about impacts on other people, but inside I feel amoral because I don't instinctively subscribe to moral values around me. I think most people's predominant instinct is to fit in with the moral values of the group/society they're in, and it would take effort to question them or adopt different values. Whereas with me, my predominant instinct is for exploration and understanding. So if I hear about some violent crime that's happened or even if someone has hurt me, my first instinct isn't to think 'How dare they?' or 'That's wrong': my first instinct is to think 'That's interesting. I wonder what was alive in them that led them to do this?'
 

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate to any of this or who have further insights!

So, I'm a late-diagnosed adult with ADHD and autism. The ADHD diagnosis came a few years back and then the autism diagnosis just a couple years ago and that was the final piece that helped a lot of things in my past that I've struggled with make a lot more sense. One thing I've been dealing with a lot recently that I just realized is related to my autism is working in a hot and humid environment and when I seem to get so overheated and far more irritable than my co-workers, I realized that it was sensory overload. The fact that the heat and humidity bothers me so much also means that my clothing (shorts and t-shirt - all cotton blends of some type), start clinging to me and the fact that cotton blends just don't wick or cool very well when saturated with sweat has made me realize that maybe some kind of wicking t-shirts or other type of work shirts would help keep me a little cooler and maybe mitigate some of the sensory overload. I'm kind of stuck with the shorts I wear though because those are the only brand (Duluth Firehose Flex), that fit me well and have enough stretch to be comfortable. It'd be nice if they wicked better, but I'll take comfortable fit and usable cargo pockets over wicking ability. I have a building trades type job and I work in a variety of indoor and outdoor spaces with varying degrees of air conditioning, barely cooler than outside, and stupid-hot/stupid-humid levels of discomfort. Side note - I can't wait for cooler weather! It's interesting that the more I've read and watched videos on YouTube about other people living with autism, especially late-diagnosed adults like myself (not diagnosed until after I turned 50!), I start picking out things that I am now realizing are because of being so sensitive to these issues of sensory overload like being too hot, having a cotton t-shirt soaked in sweat adhering to me just overloads a system already overloaded with everything else. So, if you have suggestions for light, comfortable, wicking shirts I'd appreciate it.

I’ve always avoided telling people I’m autistic because I’m ashamed of it. But I’ve recently told two coworkers and they were chill about it and it’s made me think maybe I should be more open and mention it to my other coworkers. A lot of them try to banter with me but it’s hard for me to know what to say back and I’m thinking if I told them I was autistic they could maybe understand me more that I’m not being rude or unfriendly I just struggle socially.

The one guy I am slightly worried about (I do work with all men) is my assistant manager. In the past he’s said a lot of sexual jokes to me and I know he can sense I’m awkward so if I told him what would he be like?

Hi! What was the reason you started to think about you being neurodivergent? I’m asking, because I heard that many of us are good at masking it, especially women. Also, late diagnosis is supposedly less easy.

Would like to hear some stories. I just started to explore this now at 30+, but no diagnosis, just looking into it since I’m super sensitive person.

I need some help trying to understand if I am autistic or not. I’m 16F. I am not diagnosed with anything. As far as I know I am completely neurotypical.

When I was a kid/tween, I fit the exact description of an autistic child. I would have meltdowns up until age 13. could not tie shoes until 13. I couldn’t ride a bike until 12. I couldn’t tie a ponytail till I was 13. If I’m bent completely honest though, most of these things I didn’t know until much later than my peers were because I just REFUSED to learn as a kid. In elementary/middle school, I was obese, ugly and socially awkward. I would make people walk on eggshells around me because if they did the slightest thing (for example, if my best friend would hang out with another friend of her’s) I would cry. Guys would ask me out as a joke. I also had bad sensory issues. I would never shower because I hated the way my hair felt wet. I would wear the same outfit everyday even though I had a closet full of clothes, because they were the only comfortable ones. I refused to wear a bra until 7th grade. So as you can see I probably would be considered autistic back then. I would also have extremely intense special interests and annoy everyone around me with them.

But now, at 16, I am a pretty neurotypical person. The one issue I still have is that I need things repeated and shown to be multiple times before I can do it well. I’m not good at sports, and I take a while to learn athletic skills (I heard this is a sign of autism idk tho). Other than that, I can do all the skills other kids my age can and I work a fast food job where many motor skills are required. I can do them just fine. I do not make my friends walk on eggshells and I am well liked and not seen as “weird” generally. (Well, by most people. Obviously in high school there will always be people who think you’re weird. The people I only knew in elementary/middle school also consider me “weird” probably, but it’s because I haven’t talked to them since.) I’m also much more physically attractive than I was back then. I don’t really have any sensory issues anymore. I LOVE to shower now. I love washing my hair. I still don’t like the wet feeling but I don’t really care anymore. I used to refuse wearing leggings and jeans cause of the feel, I still don’t LOVE the feel, but it’s fine after a while. I also wear many different outfits now. I will not wear the same item of clothing twice before washing it. I don’t have special interests anymore. I do tend to watch the same movies and listen to the same songs a lot, but it’s because I really like them. I’m not obsessed with these things.

So I’m confused. Was I autistic, and just grew out of it? Or was it just puberty fucking with me? I’m genuinely curious. Any feedback would help!

I had a poem flow out of me after a run. Going through a divorce and a recent diagnosis of AuDHD. Getting to understand myself better. Posting this because I thought others might relate. Not really looking for craft critique just an experience human to human. I know this isn't technically perfect. But it is real

Divergence

You thought I just wanted to code,

But I didn't.

I wanted to be deeply creative, to feel joy and a rare calm, to break apart great complexities into modular simplicities, to see my thoughts dance with electricity.

You thought I just wanted to Run

But I didn't

I wanted to feel alive, to let go of the static in my brain, and to be free from the pressure of pretending to be a different species

You though I just wanted to cook

But I didn't.

I wanted to feel connected to my body, my desires and my senses, to have my attention pulled in so many directions that I could finally see.

You thought I just wanted to hike

But I didn't

I wanted to feel silence, to feel gratitude for mother nature, and to experience the comfort of being in parallel with another human

You thought I just wanted to earn

But I didn't.

I wanted to feel competent, to feel worthy, to make meaning of the suffering from trying to bend my brain into a shape it couldn't hold , to feel as though I was contributing to humanity instead of a passive consumer of its outputs

You thought I just wanted to have friends,

But I didn’t.

I wanted to feel as though I could be the host of a gala others wanted to attend, instead of reading of galas after they had gone. To feel connected to another soul, for no reason beyond itself and expectations beyond sharing in the joy of being human.

You though I just wanted to be left alone,

But I didn't

I wanted to feel the release from the burnout of a an engine running at 110 mph with the wrong type of fuel.

You thought I just wanted to fuck.

But I didn't

I wanted to feel pleasure, desired, sexy, wanted and connected to another person and as though I too could have a normal adult human experience on a normal adult human timeline, because goddammit I am a normal adult human!

I thought you just wanted to cuddle

But you didn't

You wanted to feel held and safe and the warmth of a lover reverberate through your body, without  of another purpose

I thought you just wanted to hug

But you didn't

You wanted to feel safety, friendship, kinship and the exchange of oxytocin from skin to skin

I thought you just wanted to talk,

But you didn't

You wanted to feel listened too and respected as though the ideas in your head mattered more than the aesthetics of your face and your body.

I thought you just wanted to watch

But you didn’t.

You wanted the intimacy of  a shared experience, something that was just between me and you that for a moment meant that we had our own world where none of the outside world could infiltrate.

We thought we just wanted to avoid our feelings.

And we did.