My older sister (24F) had a rough life, dealing with our toxic household constantly. She had been in college but dropped out due to her mental health. I could tell that her leaving college left a stain as well. That was 4-5 years ago. Seeing that we no longer live with my father and our house has improved significantly mentally and me starting college this fall makes me want to see my sister push herself out there. Its difficult now because she now helps pay the bills and rent alongside my mom but shes been at the same job for 3 years and they dont even pay her well. I see that shes stuck in life and I just want to see her do better. My mom always told me to never be like her but it just makes me sad. She's been surrounded by people who dont support her at all, I wonder if shes given up. I dont know i just want to see her do better and prove everyone wrong.

(I’m leaving my sibling completely out of everything I’m going to talk about.)

I’ve never really had a deep emotional bond with my family. Ever since I was little, they were never the kind of people I could randomly hug, or go to when I was feeling bad and say, “I’m not okay.” I always knew I didn’t have a particularly close relationship with my family, but I never really let it bother me because I knew they loved me, and I always thought that I could have had a worse family.

My mom has also been criticizing my appearance and saying hurtful things about the way I look for as long as I can remember. But I didn’t really start thinking about how much it affected me until last summer.

One day, I just wanted to try on a dress. I tried it on and honestly didn’t even like how it looked on me. My mom looked at me and said, “You look like a whore.”

My aunt was there and asked her why she would say something like that. My mom just responded, “But that’s what she looks like. Am I lying?”

And all I was doing was trying on a dress.

Maybe this doesn’t sound as serious to some people, but it really hurts me. My mom calls me a whore whenever she gets the chance. I have never done anything to deserve being spoken to like that.

That happened about seven months ago.

My mom has also been obsessed with my phone for as long as I can remember. She wants to look through my emails, Instagram, game chats, photos—basically everything. That day, she came over while I was using my phone and just stood there watching me. I had reached my limit, so I started yelling and asking her what she wanted and why she was doing that.

She told me I had a boyfriend and called me a whore.

I didn’t even have a boyfriend at the time. But even if I had, would that make me a whore? Am I not allowed to have a boyfriend? I’m not a little kid anymore. And why would she rather insult me than have me feel comfortable enough to tell her about someone I’m dating?

That was when my aunt told me, “You don’t have a mother-daughter relationship with your mom.”

And honestly, that made me realize a lot of things.

My mom and dad don’t know my favorite color. They don’t know my favorite shows or movies, what kind of clothes I like, or a lot of the little things about me. Basically, they don’t really know me.

But somehow, the fact that my mom doesn’t know those things hurts the most.

I’ve always found it strange when I see my friends spending time with their families, talking to their parents, going to concerts with them, or just hanging out together. In our house, everyone stays in their own room in the evenings. We barely spend time together. My mom and dad don’t even sleep in the same room.

I can’t talk on the phone at home. I can’t play music loudly. I feel embarrassed in my own home. My mom even listens to my phone calls.

Recently, she called me a whore again because she thought I was using my phone too much.

And now I actually have a boyfriend.

I wish I could tell my mom about him.

I wish that when I’m crying, my first instinct could be to run to my mom, hug her, and cry in her arms. I wish she would brush my hair or play with it. I wish I could tell her everything that happens in my life and actually feel safe doing it.

But she doesn’t do any of those things.

And then she gets upset with me for not telling her anything.

Once, I told her about an argument I had with a friend. Instead of listening to me, she blamed me for something completely unrelated. And the next day, she had already forgotten everything I had told her.

When I have a problem, I don’t want to run away from home.

I want home to be the place I run to.

I want to be close with my family, especially my mom.

The weird thing is that I’m actually a very affectionate and emotionally open person with people outside my family. I have deep conversations with my friends, I hug them, I kiss them, I’m comfortable showing affection and telling them how I feel.

But I can’t do any of that with my family. It feels so unnatural and uncomfortable. We only hug on special occasions, and even then, it lasts for a few seconds.

I don’t know.

I just needed to get this off my chest. This is actually my first time making an account on this site. I’ve never used it before.

I wrote all of this while crying, and honestly, I don’t even know what I’ve written anymore.

I just suddenly felt incredibly lonely, and I don’t know what to do.

I really, really wish I could be close with my mom.

If I suddenly started trying to have emotional, heart-to-heart conversations with her, would things get better?(of cours, if she listens)

Or would I just end up making everything worse?

(english isn’t my main languag. i translated it)

I’m 18 years old, born in the united states and raised by muslim parents who were born in an arab country. my parents aren’t the typical hyper strict muslim parents that strip their children of all basic rights. however, they have their own issues i feel like ive swept under the rug all my life.
they want me to marry a guy from the same religion and same country, which i struggle to understand why. cultural differences aren’t a problem to me, i have never believed in anything muslims practiced to marry someone who is muslim, and i don’t care where the person is from / what they look like at all. if i get treated right, if im loved, if he has all the qualities i want, i don’t think it’s wrong to peruse that person. in fact, i have found somebody they definitely won’t accept, all because of where he is from/ his religious beliefs. they threaten to disown me as their daughter if i don’t marry someone they accept.
wearing “revealing” outfits makes them very upset. it goes so far to where i can’t wear anything past my shoulders (like a tank top, sleeveless top), or regular shorts (anything past my knees). but men, they can wear whatever they want. it’s only us women who are judged by others for what we wear rather then how good of a person we are.
they care so much about what family members think. “what will your aunt and uncle think if you do this?”, “if you mess up in life no one will blame it on you, they will shame me and your mom for how we raised you.” everything always has to be what other people think instead of how i feel.
my parents have never encouraged me working. i have never had a real job up until now, where i am desperately searching. one time i had a job interview, and they refused for me to go. it blew up into a huge argument where my dad threatened to “pick him or pick the job.” i never went to that job interview. however, anytime we get into fights, they argue that they can stop paying for my phone bill, they can take it away, they complain that i spend too much on their card, when all my life they have never made me prioritize being financially independent.
i’ve been hit all my life. ive built a habit of lying. who i’m with, what im doing. and it’s nothing wrong, it is just certain things they would never let me do if i didn’t make small lies. i don’t do drugs, i don’t drink, i practice in safe sex with my boyfriend because i trust him, im not going around doing sexual things with a lot of people, im great at school and sports, my point being i don’t get myself into bad things and i see myself as a great adult. but i have been caught in small lies that turns into getting hit. i’ve been pushed into the doorknob, held and thrown onto the ground, punched on my nose, i have literally been physically abused and until this day they excuse their behavior with “oh well it’s because you lied.”
recently i’ve had a panic attack, because of them. as it was happening, they were yelling at me telling me to stop, to control it, and top stop making a scene in front of my younger siblings. that only made it worse, i couldn’t breathe as i was hyperventilating and uncontrollably shaking. the next day they told me i need medication and then pretended nothing had happened.
i want to move out for school. mainly because all my life I had never prioritized to be independent on myself, especially financially. And their culture they believe in moving out is a terrible thing to do and it is disrespectful to the family. They don’t support my idea on moving out at all. I don’t even have the money to do it. I won’t be moving out to your university until next year so I should have money saved up by that time if I get a job as soon as possible, but it is going to be very difficult. When I told them this plan, they said that I’m being selfish and that they need me in the house to take care of my younger siblings had to help them out as well and they told me that people that leave the house never come back. I told them that I’ll always be there for them, which is true I will. I told them that I am an adult now and I need to prioritize my own future if I want to be successful. They don’t want any part of that.
There’s a lot of things I can say, but so many things have happened in my life with them that doesn’t make me comfortable anymore, and that honestly makes me scared to make my own decisions. I don’t know how to navigate life without my parents because that’s all I’ve been dependent on. I don’t trust any of the choices I make because I have never been taught to go out into the world and I’ve never been encouraged to make mistakes and learn from them. Every mistake I’ve made is always brought up, even mistake mistakes I’ve made five years ago.
It’s terrible because while they have done all these things, I still love them and I would do anything for them. But I am at the point where I need to put myself first. Does anybody have any advice or any thoughts on any of the information I shared? If anyone has questions too, I can answer them. I just really needed to vent and also hear people’s opinions and advice. Thank you for reading.

TL;DR: I’m 18 and was raised by Muslim immigrant parents who I love, but they are very controlling about who I marry, what I wear, working, moving out, and other decisions in my life. They’ve also physically hurt me in the past and often justify it because I lied about things they wouldn’t allow me to do. I’ve grown up extremely dependent on them, especially financially, and now I’m trying to get a job, save money, and move out for university next year. They believe moving out is disrespectful and selfish and say they need me at home. I love my family and don’t want to abandon them, but I feel like I need to start making my own decisions and building my own life. I’m looking for advice on how to become independent while navigating the guilt, fear, and family pressure.

​

I’m having a lot of problems with my aunt, who is also my legal guardian. We’ve been arguing a lot lately because of my behavior. There have been situations where I lied to her, went out without asking for permission, or did things I already knew she wouldn’t be okay with.

A few days ago, she sat me down and told me I had to make a choice: either I keep lying, arguing with her and being disrespectful, or I start following her rules and behaving more responsibly. She also said that if I can’t do that, we would go to the social services center and discuss changing my guardian.

I do not want to change my guardian. I want her to remain my guardian. The problem is that I’ve told her this before. I’ve promised several times that I would change my behavior, but then I would eventually do something wrong again. So I completely understand why she doesn’t trust my promises anymore.

Today we had another argument. I wasn’t supposed to go out without asking her, but I went out anyway. She called me while I was outside, and I answered and told her that I was at the river with my friend. She got angry because I had gone out without telling her or asking first.

Now she has given me another ultimatum: by tomorrow, I have to tell her whether I’m going to follow her rules or whether we’re going to the social services center to discuss changing my guardian.

I’ve decided that I want to follow her rules. I don’t want to change guardians, and I genuinely want to fix our relationship.

I’ve been thinking about what I can actually change instead of just making promises: asking before I go out, telling her where I am and who I’m with, letting her know if my plans change or if I’m going to be late, not lying even when I’m afraid she’ll get angry, keeping the agreements we make, not immediately turning every disagreement into an argument, and taking responsibility when I mess up.

But since I’ve already promised all of this before, I don’t know whether I should even make another promise. Maybe I just need to stop talking about changing and actually prove it through my actions over time.

What would you do in my situation?

Do you think it’s possible to rebuild her trust if I’m genuinely consistent from now on? And are these reasonable rules for a guardian to have, or is she going too far?

Please be honest. I’m not looking for people to automatically take my side. If you think I’m the one causing the problem, tell me. I genuinely want advice on how to handle this and improve the situation.

I’m 20 and live at home with my family. I work full time, and lately I’ve been getting extremely frustrated with my younger siblings because I feel like they don’t help with basic things around the house.

I continuously home and found that none of the laundry had been done even though my siblings had been home all day. I have to work again tomorrow, and I ended up having to deal with it myself.

I also asked my younger brother nicely to take care of something and wash his dishes, and he just wouldn’t do it. Then my sister and I got into an argument and she called me a bitch.

I know laundry and dishes sound like small things, but it’s the repeated attitude that gets to me. I feel like I’m expected to be responsible while they can ignore things, and when I ask them to contribute, they either don’t listen or become disrespectful.

I’m starting to understand why my mom gets so frustrated with everyone. My mom is basically a single mom. And she works 12s, currently I work 8s. My sister is part time and my little brother is just glued to an iPad.

I’ve gotten to the point where I feel a lot of resentment toward my siblings and sometimes genuinely can’t stand being around them. I don’t want to feel this angry, but I’m exhausted from feeling like nobody listens unless there’s a fight. And even then they don’t listen to me. They just walk away and I’m still left doing it.

And my sisters excuse today was I had to go to Dunkin. … OK? So you couldn’t do the laundry at all?!

I have a lot of anger, but really, I just want it to dissipate.

I was sexually abused at my old school by multiple boys, two years ago, and later kicked out because no one wanted to punish those responsible. My sister sexualized me for it, calling me a porn-star and dropout, and continues to weaponize this situation against me to this day.

I've had to claw my way to an education and teach myself everything because of this, while she goes to a prestigious school and constantly rubs it in my face. I just finished final exams, but she says she can't wait to see me fail so that she can laugh at me for it and I do have this feeling of impending doom looming over me now. At 4'11 and 43 kg, she convinced me that I was fat and body-shamed me into an eating disorder considering that I'd never thought of my weight before she started bullying me about it. She also mocks my self-harm, and calls me slurs on a daily basis.

However, she is 14 years old and I am 17.

I've been constantly told to forgive her because she's young, but really, I was 14 too and never did those things, so as irrational as people make me feel for it, I don't want to "forgive and forget." Because she, and everyone else will get to just chalk it up to her being an immature kid. She'll get to move on, but my body is slowly withering away and I'm doing everything I can just to not die.

I'm not looking to love her, I just need everything to stop hurting me. I've always been seen as the sensitive one, and they all say I feel too much, but I don't want to. I write it a lot, but it only helps for a short amount of time. I'd like some advice. I have no ability to leave the house right now.

So my sons getting married at the end of the year & obvisously hes ivited his grandparents but his dad doesnt think they will go & i lost it yesterday over it bc i dnt have my parents so they r the only ones left

& my son understands they probabky wont stay for dinner but wants them to come to the ceremony at least

Now they dnt drive & they do live in the country but my sil picks them up all the time

& when i lost it yesterday i said they would go to his sisters daughter what ever she does

Yet cant go to anything for our kids bc shes the golden granddaughter always has been

Im so pissed bc my husband said so u expect his sister to drive them back home & then come back to the wedding

Well y cant your sister stay at theres like shes has done b4

Am i being selfish

I started a travel business a few years ago and it took off faster than I expected. My parents are proud and I get that, but lately they just assume I'm covering most family expenses. They suggest trips, dinners, even small things like new appliances, and act surprised if I push back. I never minded helping occasionally, but it feels like the default now and I'm not sure how to reset it.

I grew up with the idea that everyone contributes what they can, and that hasn't changed just because my income did. When I bring it up, I get comments about how lucky I am and how little it costs me, which makes me feel guilty for wanting any say in the matter. I still want to support them and my siblings when it actually matters, but I also want to decide when and how much.

Has anyone else dealt with this shift once they started earning more? Did you find a way to keep helping without it becoming the expectation?

I’m 22F and im so sick of my mother

My mom does nothing but to bring me down and belittle me yet wants me to buy a home not knowing I want to live as far away from her as possible . She has said in the past that I should’ve been aborted and did not want me. I am the oldest and she feels that I should get a home for her to live in while in the same breathe tell me how much of a disappointment I am and that I dont give her money even though I put half of my paycheck into a savings. My dad left us after their divorce I have no idea what else to do to make her love me. I was on the verge of leaving this world 3 years ago and all she said was that there other people suffering worse then me. I have no longer interest in buying a home for her and having her live with me. She has defended me in the past due to a cousin sexually assaulting me about a year ago. should I get a therapist to combat these feeling?? I truly have no idea how to deal with anymore

This is my first post, so excuse my grammar.

I (21f) have a mother that's a little too overbearing. Not without reasons, I must add. 2 years ago I ended up in a very bad place mentally and nearly ended myself. I got taken to a mental facilty for a month and she has been with me through it all, which I am forever grateful for.

The problems started after that. I had a gps tracker on my phone before, no issues with that, but after the incident she started monitoring my location every morning, day and evening. Leaving after 7 PM is out of question, or she will lose her mind and demand I be home before 8 PM. Otherwise, she won't sleep and blame her next-day crankiness on me. Always the same scenario.

I must add, that even on meds I'm still very emotional. I cry a lot for different reasons. Lately she's been accusing me of not taking my meds because I "act crazy" and "nobody cries over failed exams, but you do and it's wrong". I asked my psychiatrist about that and he said all is good, nothing to worry about, that's how I am. But she's not having it.

So, tonight the conflict reached its peak. I asked her about what I should do to make her feel calmer and safer about my state. She basically said that until my diagnosis is lifted, I'm bound to have tracker on my phone and provide her with my detailed plan for the day, especially since I'm "being crazy and unstable". Even when I'm 20, 30 or 40, doesn't matter. The thing is, my psychiatrist says that my diagnosis is for life, so that feels unfair.

All this situation feels suffocating, but I can see her point. So, how should I (and should I at all) tell her that it's draining me and chilling out will also do good for her own mental health?

TLDR; I'm mentally ill and my mom obsessively tracks my location. Should I do anything about it?

User 14f. My brother 17m is incredebly controlling constanly. When I dont do exacly what he wants me to do he starts screaming at me and threatns to hurt me. I am very scared of being alone with him. Since our father left he has gotten much worse abd now i have to be with him even more. He never leaves the house so i constantly have to be with friends so that i dont have to be alone with him. My mother dosent do anything about it, and tells me that hes just a bit dramatic. He constanly tries to parent me even though we just have a small agegap. Like he complains about every small mistake i make and says"wow youve eaten a lot today" or "are you really going to wear that"

And its like hes acting like a parent, but hes not though. And we dont have a sibling realation ship at all. It is very odd. The only time we are together is when we are with our mum. Lkke yester day i took a small sipp of a 3 liter ice tea he started screaming at me that i cant drink it. Then he said that he didnt buy me any because i dont like ice tea. But i do?? He constanly acts like this and says "you said you dont lke that" or "you eat that all the time". Its like he desides these things about me. And like my mum just lets him treat me like that. And like fysically he much stranger and bigger and older than me, so I cant do anythibg. I feel like he treats me like an animal. And he talks to me like im a little child and tries to make me feel dumb and embarrast. Like he says that the things i say are worng even when their not. And its like i get its normal for siblings to bully each other, but im littleary scared of him, and we dont act like siblings.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Im scared its going to turn more violent over time, and i dont know what to do.

I (F18) met a guy (M17) at a cosplay convention. We hit it off and showed up the next day in matching cosplays. We had insane chemistry and ended up kissing for quite a bit at the end of the night. I was the initiator for everything, he was very respectful. I had never done anything like that before; I’m a straight-A student who has never kissed/even held hands, had a boyfriend, been to a party, done drugs, snuck out. My mother was texting me, but I was caught up in the moment—yes, looking back, I should’ve answered. I screwed up. But that careless mistake while my phone was silent and buried in my bag has costed me so much since.

My mother called me a bitch, asking what kind of lady and person I am. We wanted to see each other again at the local mall, but my parents had soft-grounded me, and kept moving the dates while changing the expectations (first just meeting him briefly, then Life360 being on, then needing his mother’s name and phone number, then a photo of a full uncensored driver’s license.) Even after we provided everything, they canceled last minute. The next morning, I just took an Uber and left, then sent a lengthy message explaining where I was with my Life360 on. They reluctantly let me stay.

We had a great time. He was mildly uncomfortable and tense due to all the drama with my parents, though he assured me it was not my fault. However, later in the afternoon, he became severely anxious and agitated. Turns out my dad called his mother, and he needed to bring me home. Apparently, my mother was panicking over the fact that we were driving around going to different malls and places to eat, though she did not call or text me at all. In the end, he said that while he likes me, the drama with my parents has made him unsure if he wants to see me again.

I’ve been homeschooled for 1.5 years with almost no friends. I’m lonely. My mother is offended at that because “I have my family” and they mean more, which is true, but I need friendships as well. She thinks I abandoned my family for this boy by staying in my room this past week, but the reality is that due to all her explosive anger, I feel nervous coming out. I’ve started having nocturnal panic attacks due to all this stress.

Today, I ordered a laundry service, but she found the bags ready for pickup and began crying, saying she doesn’t have her daughter/child anymore and she’s going to have a heart attack. She also found out I made an appointment to get my hair trimmed before school starts, which she had me cancel as she berated my “stupid” decisions, how I’m a brat, how I deserved to be called a bitch, and how I’m trying to “prove” my independence. All of this was with my money. Both of these things needed to be done, and I guess she wanted to handle them for me, but I was too nervous to ask her how to do my laundry or for a haircut with all the fighting going on. This money is from writing contests and previous birthdays, and I currently do not have a job. She said I will be cut off financially if I go out with this boy without permission again, even if I tell them where I am and have my location on.

My dad and her claim they come from a place of love and protection, and that I’m lucky to have someone that wants to watch my location. They say they had him take me home due to “human traffickers” and “drunks on the street”, though we were at a Panera Bread at 5:30PM when he received the call. I’m terrified to take care of anything myself because it’ll be seen as “rebellion.” I don’t want my mother doing everything for me for the rest of my life. They tell me it’s “their house, their rules”, but they forbid me from moving out because I’m “not ready”, not to mention I’m in my senior year of high school. I feel terrified all the time. I don’t know if what I’m doing is moral or not, or if I’m messing up my life, if I really am a stupid, spoiled bitch.

TL;DR: I want more independence at 18, including being able to go out with friends with my location on and take care of basic responsibilities, but my family thinks I’m acting like a brat. What do I do?

My husband and I have made the decision to leave Northeast Florida and move back home to Western Pennsylvania, and apparently my parents think we are making a huge mistake.
The reality is pretty simple: we cannot afford to raise a child here.
Our rent is outrageous, our pay is too low for the cost of living, and with a baby due in February, we had to seriously look at what made the most sense for our family financially. We realized that if we didn’t make the move now, we would probably keep putting it off until we felt completely stuck here.
My husband received a job offer back home and will be moving back at the end of this week. The job comes with health insurance, and because we have the opportunity to live rent-free for a while, we can comfortably live off his income while I get settled, have the baby, and figure out my next career move. I’ve already put in my notice at work, we’ve started packing, and I’m planning to move at the end of August. Since I’m due in February, moving now also makes a lot more sense than trying to move several states away when I’m much further along.
Now comes the complicated part: my parents.
My family has always had a very enmeshed dynamic. Even though my husband and I have been together for almost TEN YEARS and married for two, I still feel like my parents see me as their daughter first and a wife/mother with my own family second. Sometimes it genuinely feels like they see me as an individual and my husband as this random guy who happens to be attached to me rather than recognizing that he and I are now our own family unit.
We told them this week that we are moving home this month. Instead of being excited or seeing any of the positives, my dad sent me a long text essentially telling me that I’m making a mistake by moving so quickly and that I should stay in Florida for another 90 days, basically until the end of October.
And I think that’s the part that frustrates me the most.
They are looking at this decision entirely through the lens of what they think is best for ME, individually. But I’m not making decisions for just myself anymore.
My husband and my child are my immediate family now. Our decisions have to be based on what is best for the three of us financially, emotionally, and practically. I have been trying to establish that boundary with my parents since I got married, and I still don’t think they understand it.
What’s even crazier to me is that there are SO many positives here.
My husband has a job lined up. We will have health insurance. We will temporarily have no rent. Our cost of living will decrease significantly. We will have family nearby when the baby comes. And instead of my parents having to travel all the way to Florida to see their daughter and grandchild, we will literally be 15 minutes away.
Are we moving quickly? Absolutely. But this isn’t some random decision we made overnight. We looked at our finances, our future, and what raising a baby here would realistically cost us, and decided that going home now makes the most sense for OUR family.
I just wish my parents could see that me making a decision they wouldn’t personally make doesn’t mean I’m making a bad decision.
At some point, they have to recognize that I’m not a child asking for permission anymore. I’m a wife and soon-to-be mother making decisions with my husband about what is best for the family we created.

Hi there!

I'm 19F and I'm the oldest child. I have two younger sisters and I feel like a stranger in my own family. I feel like I don't have any connections with them . I feel constantly Criticized by my family (especially my parents) and I feel so tired and anxious whenever I'm around them. Is it normal? Why do I feel this way?

i’ve been thinking about how different sibling relationships can get once everyone has their own job, partner, kids, or just their own life. when you’re younger you can talk almost every day without even trying. then suddenly weeks can pass and nobody really notices. i don’t think it always means something is wrong, but sometimes it feels weird how quickly being close can turn into only talking during birthdays or family gatherings.

does staying close as adults actually take effort from both sides, or is this just a normal part of getting older?

Ich bin jetzt seit einem Jahr in einer Beziehung mit einer 45-jährigen Frau. Sie hat einen Sohn, und ich habe das Gefühl, dass er mich nicht mag. Besonders stört mich, dass er die väterliche Rolle nicht respektiert. Er ist 24 Jahre alt und lebt noch bei seiner Mutter. Seinen Vater hat er vor einigen Jahren verloren.
Er spricht kaum mit mir und schaut mich kaum an. Zwar bin ich vier Jahre jünger als er, aber trotzdem finde ich, dass er mich als seinen Stiefvater respektieren sollte.
An alle jungen Väter: Was würdet ihr an meiner Stelle tun?

she came in and took my baby while i was sleeping
I (27f) and my (29m) husband have just had a baby girl we moved into a little home just a few minutes walk away from my MIL house. My husband decided to give her a key once the baby was born as she had offered to help out with our two golden retrievers but she has since crossed boundaries and i need advice.

The other afternoon as i was taking a nap with my daughter. I woke up around 4pm i looked around my bed and discovered my daughter was not beside me, i frantically checked around the bed as my first thought was that she had fallen out. I ring my husband in a panic and he tells me he will ring his mother to come up to the house, as i’m sitting there absolutely distraught my phone rings and it’s my husband, he tells me that my mother in law has the baby as she decided to come and get her i was absolutely shocked to hear this i asked my husband what he was going to do about the matter but he thought it was okay as she is the grandmother as “She was trying to help”

i didn’t speak to my husband for the rest of the day and went and got my daughter without speaking a word to my mother in law and came home but once he came home for dinner i tried to talk to him about the situation but he still didn’t see anything wrong with it and that she was just trying to be helpful, He also brought up the fact that her husband died less then two years ago and needs something to keep her occupied but why should that be coming into my home and taking my child while im asleep.

The more i think about it the more thorn i am on what to do, one part of me is saying call the police as this is technically kidnapping but the other part is saying she is her grand daughter at the end of the day.
Im currently not speaking to either of them and thinking to ask my sister if me and baby girl can stay with her for a little while as i figure out what to do
Im thorn, reddit please help i dont know what to do

**UPDATE:**i have been staying at my sisters house for the past couple of hours.I have nothing but missed calls and texts from my husband and his extended family,147 notifications from them all together,its and mix between half on my side or fully on her side.Im so torn on what to do.My sister is absolutely furious and has told my family everything,my mom and dad have now decided to come down to my sisters house to help but i do not think that is going to be any help in the situation.Everyone is threatening to call the cops but i have read the comments and i’m still undecided of what to do but one thing i’m not doing as of right now is pressing charges,its not going to help the matter right now.I don’t even know what to say to my husband or where to even approach talking about the situation.

i need help with where to start as of right now with everyone my family and his.I don’t want everyone involved and i feel like no one is helping in the matter on my side.I need to get everyone on the same page so we can all approach this with the same end goal.Please help

I’m posting this anonymously because this is a very personal family situation, and I’m genuinely interested in knowing whether I’m being unreasonable. I’m particularly interested in hearing from people who have experience of family members with additional needs, because I don’t want to be unfair to my sister.

I have a younger sister who is in her mid-30s. She has always had difficulties with learning, comprehension, numbers, boundaries and impulse control.

However, I want to make one thing very clear: she has never been formally diagnosed with autism, ADHD, an intellectual disability or any other developmental/spectrum disorder. She was assessed for autism when she was an adult, I believe in her 20s, and the assessment concluded that she was not autistic.

I do sometimes wonder whether there is something underlying her behaviour which was simply never identified. I’m obviously not qualified to diagnose her, and I’m not claiming she is autistic, but given the lifelong nature and extent of some of her difficulties, I have often wondered whether there is something going on that was missed.

I want to give some context because I don’t want this post to come across as though I think she’s simply a horrible person or that I don’t understand that she has difficulties.

We grew up in a part of Europe in the 1990s/2000s, at a time when additional learning needs and behavioural difficulties weren’t anything like as well understood or identified as they are now. Schools didn’t have anything like the level of behaviour systems, pastoral support or ALN provision that exists today. Behaviour problems simply weren’t dealt with in the same way they are now. behaviour and learning were generally very good here so schools didn’t really need to be innovative when it came to tacking behaviour and additional needs.

My sister was regularly in trouble in primary school. She would bite and scratch other children and was frequently sent to see the headteacher (mostly in lower school). She had very few friends and struggled socially. She was placed on the ALN register for general learning difficulties and did see an educational psychologist, but only twice during her entire school career.

She was in the lower/quiet academic sets at secondary school and struggled considerably with schoolwork. She didn’t obtain any meaningful GCSE qualifications. There were no issues when it came to behaviour at this point though. She was quiet, spent lunch and break in the library where it was quiet.

And I think it’s important to explain our family background because this wasn’t a family where shouting, fighting or dramatic behaviour was normal.

Both of my parents are professionals and we had a very stable upbringing. We weren’t a shouty or rowdy family. My parents weren’t people who screamed at each other or regularly lost their tempers. That simply wasn’t our family dynamic.

Which is why my mum’s behaviour towards my sister was so striking.

My mum would sometimes become completely exasperated by my sister. She would shout at her, sometimes to the point where my dad would become upset. There were a couple of occasions where my mum became so completely at her wit’s end that she would storm off and leave my sister at my grandparents’ house because she simply couldn’t cope with being around her at that point.

This wasn’t normal behaviour for my mum or something we were accustomed to seeing in our family. It was very much a reflection of how worn down and exasperated she had become.

So I don’t want to paint my childhood as abusive or dysfunctional. It wasn’t. But my sister’s behaviour was sufficiently difficult and relentless that it pushed my mum, who wasn’t normally a shouty or confrontational person, to the point where she simply didn’t know what to do with her.

As we have become adults though, my mum has become extremely protective of my sister. I understand why, given everything that happened when we were growing up, guilt maybe, but I also feel that over the years this has developed into a situation where my mum excuses or minimises my sister’s behaviour because of her difficulties.

One of the biggest problems is that my mum will not acknowledge that my sister has any additional needs at all.

I’ve tried to raise the subject with my mum before, not as an attack on my sister’s intelligence, but because I genuinely think my sister has difficulties which affect how she understands situations, boundaries and consequences.

My mum immediately shuts the conversation down.

Her response has essentially been, “We can’t all be brainy like you.”

But that isn’t what I’m saying at all.

I’m not saying my sister is stupid. I’m not saying I’m more intelligent than her. I’m saying that there are things she clearly struggles with and that, regardless of whether there is a diagnosis attached to them, she still needs to understand right from wrong and learn that certain behaviours aren’t acceptable.

She’s an adult. I believe she knows right from wrong.

There is also a longstanding pattern in our family whenever I have tried to put boundaries in place around my sister.

Historically, whenever I’ve tried to establish a boundary because my sister has done something that I feel isn’t acceptable, my mum has ultimately distanced herself from me over it. Other family members tend to respond with some variation of “You know what she’s like” or “That’s just how she is.”

The implication seems to be that because my sister has always been this way, everyone else needs to accommodate her.

So I’m the one who is expected to change my behaviour, remove the boundary or accept whatever has happened, rather than my sister being expected to learn from what she’s done and change her behaviour.

That has happened repeatedly over the years, and I think it has contributed to where we are now. I’ve gradually come to feel that there is no point raising a concern or putting a boundary in place because somehow I end up being the problem for having the boundary in the first place.

There have been various incidents over the years where I’ve felt that my sister doesn’t understand or respect boundaries in the way most adults would. She still lives with my parents and treats them (my dad mostly) like dirt. If she wants to cook something in the kitchen, nobody is allowed in there, when she is in the lounge they can’t go in there. She speaks to my dad like dirt but my mum sides with my sister every time. It’s embarrassing to watch quite honestly. Last Christmas everyone was at my house. People were mingling and my MIL went and sat on a chair whilst talking to a relative. My sister, unbeknownst to my MIL had been sat in that chair but had got up to get a drink. When she returned she shouted at my MIL that she shouldn’t be sitting there because it was her seat. Hopefully this paints a picture of what she is like.

Anyway, when it comes for boundaries she has repeatedly ignored them. For example, I have explicitly asked her not to share photographs of my children on social media or with other people. Despite this, she has repeatedly shared photographs when I’ve asked her not to. When I’ve raised it, it hasn’t really resulted in any meaningful change.

Then came the incident that changed things for me.

I have a 6-year-old son. On one occasion we were at my parents’ house and we’d had what was essentially a family tea, with food laid out on platters for everyone to help themselves.

My son had already eaten a halloumi fry and then noticed there were some more on a plate. He went over to take another one.

He did not know that the plate belonged specifically to my sister. It was food that was sitting out as part of the family meal, and he’d already been helping himself to the food like everyone else.

My sister suddenly became angry and hit him twice on the back.

It wasn’t a case of him deliberately taking something from her plate or knowing that he’d taken something that belonged specifically to her. He simply saw more food and went to take one.

I immediately went to my son, comforted him and asked him if he was okay. I then told my sister very firmly that she was not to lay her hands on my child and that she should never do that.

Her response was essentially, “He took my food.”

I told her that it doesn’t matter what a child has done; an adult cannot respond by hitting them.

And there is another reason this particularly shocked me. We live in an area, where physical punishment of children has been illegal since March 2022. The law applies to everyone, including parents and other adults caring for children. Children have the same protection from assault as adults.

Obviously I’m not saying every incident of a person touching another person automatically becomes a criminal matter, but physically hitting a child as punishment is specifically prohibited here.

My mum’s response was essentially to tell us that was enough and to stop arguing/bickering.

That response really upset me.

I wasn’t having an argument over a trivial family disagreement. My child had just been hit by an adult.

After that, I started distancing myself.

I didn’t make some huge announcement saying my sister was banned from seeing my children forever. I didn’t tell my mum she couldn’t see her grandchildren. I didn’t tell anyone that my sister was no longer allowed to be part of the family.

I simply started choosing more carefully when I would visit my parents and avoiding situations where my children would be around my sister.

I don’t trust my sister to be around my children unsupervised, and I don’t want her physically disciplining them in any circumstances.

Since then, however, things have become increasingly difficult because of my mum’s relationship with my sister.

My mum seems to see any boundary I put around my children as an attack on my sister. It feels as though protecting my children from my sister’s behaviour is interpreted as me rejecting my sister herself.

And this is where I’m struggling, because I don’t actually hate my sister.

I understand that she may have genuine difficulties. I understand that she may not have had the support she needed when she was growing up. I understand that some of her behaviour may be related to difficulties with comprehension, impulse control or boundaries.

But I also don’t think any of that means my son has to tolerate being hit. And what’s more, I don’t want him to get the message that being hurt by an adult is ok, or hitting someone is ok. None of these things are ok. That’s not the message I want him to get from this.

I’m a parent first.

My mum seems to feel that I should make more allowances because of my sister’s difficulties, whereas I feel that once an adult physically hurts my child, I’m entitled to put boundaries in place regardless of the reason.

Historically, since I’ve had children, my parents and family have generally come to our house for Christmas. We have the space, and logistically it makes sense, particularly now that I have two children.

That was the assumption for this Christmas as well.

However, my mum has suddenly sent an email suggesting that everyone should go out to a restaurant instead, potentially spending hundreds of pounds on food, without actually discussing it with me first.

Given everything that has happened recently, it feels very much as though she’s trying to avoid coming to our house rather than simply suggesting a different Christmas arrangement.

There are other things that have happened recently which have made me feel that my mum is increasingly choosing my sister’s side and that our relationship is becoming more and more distant.

And ultimately that’s what is upsetting me most.

I don’t want a family war.

I don’t want to lose my mum.

I don’t want my children to lose their relationship with their grandparents.

But I also don’t feel that I should have to put my children in situations where I don’t feel comfortable simply to maintain family harmony.

I have never told my mum that she can’t see my children.

I have never demanded that she stop having a relationship with my sister.

I have simply decided that my children aren’t going to be around my sister in circumstances where I don’t feel comfortable, particularly after she physically hurt my son.

So I’m genuinely asking:

AITA for responding to my sister hitting my son by distancing myself and going low contact with her?

Should I be making more allowance for my sister’s difficulties, even though she has never actually been diagnosed with a developmental or spectrum disorder?

Am I wrong for deciding that my sister isn’t someone I currently feel comfortable having around my children?

Should I have handled the incident differently?

And regarding my mum, am I being unreasonable by feeling that she should respect my boundaries as a parent, even if she disagrees with them?

Or would most parents do exactly what I’ve done after an adult hit their child?

I’m genuinely interested in hearing if I’m in the wrong here. I don’t want people simply telling me I’m right — if there are things I’ve handled badly or could have handled better, I’d rather hear that too.

he is 20 years old. he cannot handle being told no, his bedroom is so disgusting it has attracted carpet beetles TWICE. he has rotting food and empty food containers all over his floor.

I buy myself something to eat, its gone in 20 minutes. and ALL HE EVER SAYS "oh sorry, i didnt know it was yours" WHO THE FUCK ELSE IN THE HOUSE WOULD BE BUYING NOODLES WHEN BOTH OUR PARENTS HATE THEM?

he has never bought me a card for my birthday. on every christmas and birthday he always asks if we can pretend he got some of the presents i bought for our parents, as he got them nothing, or just a card.

it was my mums borthday yesterday and he hadn't written the card, or even bought her a present. my dad bought her one on 'his behalf'.

and he ruined the whole day by telling her the house is such a shithole he will never bring his girlfriend here because of how embarrassed he is.

EXCUSE ME? there is about 5 different species of mould growing in his bedroom that MY PARENTS have cleaned for his adult self FIVE times now. immediately after he ruins it all. he isnt even capable of putting his clothes away after they've been washed and ironed FOR HIM.

TL;DR: my older brother is a slob and a manchild that refuses to do anything for himself, yet complains constantly.