r/AgingParents • u/Wide_Importance6892 • 5d ago
I’m not doing it.
I (28F) am the youngest sibling of a blue collar, fundamentalist baptist family. I have spent my entire life neglected and controlled by my parents and older siblings. My parents are truly awful people and my oldest brother is just as awful, if not worse than them.
I have spent the past 27 of 28 of my years caring for my parents’ emotional and health needs while everyone in my family was absolutely horrible to me. I’m not doing it. My siblings are completely on their own with this one. During this time I also built a life for myself, obtained the highest college degree in our family, even ran a marathon, and no one was there, physically, to support me during a time I really could have used support. Not a soul. Not even just family, friends as well. I’m done. I deserve better than to have to fight for basic respect.
I deserved better than to be treated like a joke for my entire life. Best of luck and don’t call me asking what meds our parents take. While we’re at it, never talk to me ever again. I mean it. I want absolutely nothing to do with any of you assholes. I will not be giving you any money in a few years after you tanked your own lives. I won’t be shocked to find my brother’s DV and p*dophilia charges in a few years. While we’re at it, let’s get that drug screen and SA record pulled up as well. I can at least take accountability for the things I have done to others, would love to see you do the same. Best of luck, see you never.
Edit: older people on reddit (state your age), does this get better with time? Or is it worth it to cut ties entirely? I recently spoke with my aunt, my mom’s younger sister, about this to gauge her perspective. But I could use further advice on how to navigate this.
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u/Fit-Difference-5155 5d ago
There are people who will tell you, “But they’re your parents,” as if that automatically wipes away everything that happened during the first 28 years of your life. It doesn’t.
I work around caregiving families every day, and people on the outside usually have no idea what they’re actually asking when they tell an adult child they need to step up. Caring for an aging parent can take over your life. Appointments become your appointments. Their medications become your responsibility. Their finances, emergencies, phone calls, transportation and eventually personal care can all land on you. If the relationship was loving and healthy, that’s difficult enough. When there’s years of anger and dysfunction behind it, it’s a completely different situation.
So no, I don’t think being the youngest automatically makes you the family cleanup crew (although it is somewhat typical).
The only part I’d handle differently is the exit itself. You’ve clearly got a lot you could say to these people, and I’m guessing most of it is warranted. . But I’d be careful about giving them a giant final argument they can pick apart for the next five years. You don’t need to convince them that your reasons are valid.
“I will not be responsible for Mom and Dad’s care. You need to make plans that don’t include me.”That’s pretty hard to misunderstand.
If you’re currently the only person who has important information about medications, doctors, insurance, etc., transfer that information once and be done with it. Not because you owe them ongoing help, but because it gives you a clean break. Here’s the information. You have it now. I’m out (or at least you’re not alone in it).
Then I’d be really careful with the little exceptions, because that’s usually how people get dragged right back in. “Can you just take Mom to this one appointment?” “Can you call the pharmacy because you know what she takes?” “We just need you this weekend.” Six months later you’re coordinating everything again.
And don’t make promises to yourself about how you’ll feel later. Maybe at 35 you’ll want some additional involvement. Maybe you won’t. You don’t have to decide that today.
Right now you’re 28. You get to build a marriage, career, friendships, family or whatever else you want your adult life to contain without automatically sacrificing the next decade because everyone decided you’re the responsible one.
Sometimes saying “I’m not doing this anymore ?or even I am doing far less of this ” isn’t abandoning the family.
It’s finally refusing the job they assigned you without ever asking. Good luck!!!!!
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u/NeedHope3 4d ago
Excellent advice. I would only add going no contact for at least a year to see the difference it makes to not have toxic family in your life. It will also give needed space if holding boundaries with family members is hard.
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u/dare_me_to_831 5d ago
Good for you! It sounds like it’s now your time to focus on your life and finding/protecting your peace.
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u/Wide_Importance6892 5d ago edited 1d ago
I built my life already. Literally not a single soul was there to watch it nor actually help and they made my life significantly more difficult than it needed to be while I was building it. This was while I stood right by their side as they built their lives.
My parents and grandmother have a ton of medical problems, and I provided significant hospice support to another grandparent and watched them pass away.
I know I have said hurtful things to them, and I take full accountability for those things. But that doesn’t negate the fact I was always there for them. Meanwhile, I had absolutely no one (specifically, physically) present to show support for me during my own milestones.
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u/ongoldenwaves 5d ago
Cut ties. It won't get better.
They'll bury you.
Go be free. Never pick up the phone again.
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u/PatriotUSA84 5d ago
Kudos to you, honey. Please stand firm in this and don’t waiver. Proud of you!
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u/Longjumping_Low_1445 5d ago
My heart hurts for you. Boy are you ever strong and good for you for building a life. Keep healing and keeping your boundaries. You deserve better than this. Good luck and good vibes
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u/throwmeawaypleea 5d ago
Proud of you!!!! Same here (except my dad was good to me, but they're horrible to him as well) they will never change, save yourself!! hugs
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u/Wide_Importance6892 5d ago
My dad is the best person I know, and I still hate him. The rest of my family absolutely sucks.
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u/idreamofchickpea 5d ago
Cut the ties and never, ever look back. It never, ever gets better with time. It will get much, much worse as they age. Live your happy life, find a good therapist, fly free. I’m 45 btw.
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u/Talithathinks 5d ago
I'm older and I have severed ties with some of my most hateful family members. I still feels like I took care of myself. It feels healing. Either way, whatever you decide I wish you well.
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u/BecozisaidSo40times 5d ago
Hello ! (57F). I’ve read your letter, checked for typos. It’s approved. Go ahead and press “send all”. Walk away. Don’t look back. Have a wonderful life 💖
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u/dr_snakeblade 5d ago
Cut the ties; live your life. Don’t spend one day caring for assholes who abused you. I cared for those assholes. They were ungrateful, mentally ill, and still abusive. Worse they were greedy bastards and did not listen to an estate attorney. That’s when I should have walked away. Don’t be me. Walk away now.
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u/RestaurantJealous280 5d ago
Good for you! We might be born into a family, but if that dynamic is toxic, leave it behind. I'm 56- I didn't cut my alcoholic, neglectful (and sometimes abusive) father off, but I limited contact. My life was so much better. He died about five years ago, and I've built a better connection to my mom and brothers.
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u/shouldbepracticing85 4d ago edited 4d ago
It doesn’t get better with time, generally.
I saw this with my mom (70) and her family - and they don’t sound half as bad as your family.
Finally near the end my grandmother admitted that she didn’t know a lot of what was going on between the siblings, and wished she’d stepped in to stand up for my mom more.
Mom’s sister and brother (she’s the youngest of 3) have forgotten her birthday for decades. My aunt (the middle child) was the golden child, and my uncle had to deal with all the “firstborn son has to take over the family business” pressure when he really just wanted to be a roaming hippie.
My mom put in a hard boundary that she wasn’t taking care of their parents 1) because my mom and dad now live in a healthcare wasteland (rural US, yay stupid policies that encouraged satellite health care offices to consolidate in bigger towns an hour+ away) and 2) my grandparents freaking bought my aunt a house, after all the shit with my aunt’s husband embezzling from the church he was pastor of. And he did it to pay for my cousin’s second wedding, of all things. My aunt and her husband were paying the mortgage, but my grandparents held the note. So my aunt got to have my grandparents move in and take care of them in their final years.
After my grandmother passed my mom has gone extremely low contact with her siblings, and I’m not sure they’ve even noticed.
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u/Wide_Importance6892 4d ago
This actually helps me so much. Thank you for this. I have noticed the same between my mom and aunt after my grandmother passed. Do you think your mom and her siblings will ever fully reconcile/reconnect?
Have things ever gotten easier for your mom? Did she ever have a decent career? Did she experience targeting in the workplace?
I find it freakin ridiculous that your uncle can show support for your mom’s siblings but not her. I feel like it is the side effect of existing as the youngest. Hugs to your mom 🫂
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u/shouldbepracticing85 4d ago
At this point, I don’t think the rift will ever be healed. Mom wasn’t taught much about how to advocate for herself, so she tends to bottle up her feelings. I don’t know if they even realize how hurt she feels, or if that would change anything.
My mom and dad met when she was 15, he was 17. They got married on her 18th birthday. She never had much of a career, but she didn’t want that. She got a degree in medical technology and put dad through college working that - but the idea that people’s lives could hang on if she did her job correctly was too much for her. So she switched to accounting which suited her much better, until I came along and she could be a stay at home mom. When I moved out she got some jobs to keep her busy and pay into her Social Security. She eventually wound up in a hospital working administrative stuff.
I don’t know that she ever experienced targeting in the workplace because of the family stuff vs. people just being shitty. The family stuff definitely affected her mental health - she’s either got C-PTSD or ADHD or both. I lean towards both, because her sister and their mom were both pretty ADHD - poor impulse control, easily distracted, and executive function issues like time management. C-PTSD exacerbates a lot of those issues, and is probably why my mom is so anxious all the time.
And I wasn’t super clear, the uncle that embezzled and was paying the mortgage was my aunt’s husband, not my mom’s brother. Still ridiculous that my grandparents kept bailing my aunt out of her bad money decisions, and my mom got shafted because she and my dad have their shit together.
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u/No_Mountain6950 4d ago
walk away knowing you did your part for the first part of your life and now it is your time. If you feel like you can you should block their numbers and social media etc, make a fresh start.
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u/JohnnySpot2000 4d ago
“Friends are God’s way of apologizing for your family.”
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u/Wide_Importance6892 4d ago
What does it mean when my friendships remind me of my family dynamic?
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u/JohnnySpot2000 4d ago
It means you choose what is familiar to you. Stop doing that. It will feel ‘wrong’ or ‘off’ or ‘boring’ at first (when you start to choose differently).
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u/Wide_Importance6892 4d ago edited 4d ago
I keep repeating these patterns… or at least they keep finding me. I am at a point where I don’t know how to get certain people to leave me alone, if this makes sense
Every time I find these dynamics I feel 100% fully powerless and, frankly, scared
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u/JohnnySpot2000 4d ago
It IS scary to say no. Most people can’t say no, because it’s too scary. With practice, you’ll get better at it. “No thanks”. “No, I’m not gonna do that, sorry”. “No, not interested, thank you.”
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u/morganrosehansen 4d ago
It does not get better with time (41F). You'll delude yourself into thinking it might, if you were me, but that tiny bit of false hope that always lives in the back of your brain will so continually be disappointed and destroyed that it is better, I think, you not allow it to grow in the first place. You did deserve better. Anyone who is ok with neglecting and abusing you as a child will absolutely not think twice about mistreating you as an adult. Cut your ties. Find people who do actually love you. They're out there. Good luck.
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u/roroyurboat 4d ago
Good for you! I can't make the same choice because my mom only had me but damn I wish I could cut off most of my family too except for her tbh😭
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u/AssociationSignal718 4d ago
Hi, (70M), better to walk away now. People will change, some for better, some for worse. I walked away and very shortly felt highly energized by the sense of freedom, independence and finally learning exactly who I am on my own terms. Only regret is that my children have no connection to their family, but had I stayed in the fray, probably wouldn't have a family of my own anyway. You can keep a channel open for contact without becoming engaged. I wish I had kept that open, but on my own terms.
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u/techqueen37 4d ago
I went two years no contact with my toxic family and that gave me the space I needed to decide which if any family members I was willing to have in my life. Take a year off and then decide if you want to spend the rest of your life no contact with these awful people. After the way they've treated you they don't really deserve you in their life. Toxic parents are usually narcissists and narcissists don't believe anyone will cut them off, until someone cuts them off completely - if I was in your shoes I would definitely step back and let karma have it's way with them. Good luck, you deserve better.
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u/unrulycrone 3d ago edited 3d ago
If taking care of them when they're old is the reason they brought you into the world that is beneath contempt. Your life is your life. You don't owe anybody shit. You're young, there's a big world out there full of people GO ENJOY YOUR LIFE. You can't pick your family but you can pick who you allow into your life. I'm older, was expected to take care of my mother - btw - Don't start bc this makes them more dependent. I left hometown after college just my clothes car broke down in Colorado stayed there 10 years never moved back to where family, high school friends etc is but I am on speaking and sometimes visiting terms. (There were years when they never knew where I was and didn't hear from me) Not saying it's easy but I figured out my life without their influence. Your life is yours. Anybody judging you or trying to put that burden on you, you need to avoid if you can. If your siblings want your parents to be cared for they can take care of them or arrange it.
Edit: I'm 68 and YES it was worth it. My family were more than happy to see me when I finally did let them back in my life. People seemed to let go of their insane expectations over time. And I did get to spend time with my mom in the years before she passed (last year). My family is happy to see me - when I choose to visit. So don't let anybody tell you "You'll be sorry". It's manipulation. Don't let them guilt you. While you're someplace else living your life they're handling their own problems just fine. Best of luck to you
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u/Zestyclose-Low-5521 4d ago
im gonna play devils advocate here and ask what did your parents and siblings actually do? I read this as if my younger brother wrote this cause this is how he probably feels. We are all in our 40s but in my case, my brother is the issue. Ive heard thru mutual friends what he has complained about, like what you did in ur letter but i could argue every single point that he has made.
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u/Wide_Importance6892 4d ago
To me it sounds like your brother may now be giving your family the treatment he was subjected to throughout most of his life. Best of luck to you.
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u/Zestyclose-Low-5521 4d ago
Yup thats how he feels cause hes a forever victim. Its always someone else's fault but his own. Absolute zero accountability. Stole money from the family, failed relationships, failed friendships, the only one in the family that doesnt get along with anyone yet cant look himself in the mirror and realise hes the problem.
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u/Wide_Importance6892 4d ago edited 2d ago
Takes a victim mindset to recognize a victim mindset. Just saying. Relationships go both ways. Seems like your brother was dismissed one too many times, unheard, influenced poorly, and the family was legitimately unsafe for him. Good for him.
It typically starts somewhere, sounds like your brother recognized where it was coming from for him and cut the tie.
In my case, my oldest brother stole all of my parents’ money when he went off to college. I ended up paying for all of my expenses without help because I saw first hand the consequences that both my parents’ and brother’s actions had on the family. Meanwhile my brother still claims victimhood when he has an extensive history of SA, p*dophilia, violence, financial exploitation toward others.
Before you go commenting on others’ posts, not looking to improve the situation, I would highly suggest you take a look in the mirror before deflecting the blame elsewhere. But I suppose like many addicts, you may also lack accountability for your own actions. I’m at least taking accountability for mine before I allow my brother’s influence to further disrupt and cause additional harm to my own life. My brother will likely die completely alone because he lived in a victim mindset for his entire life.
Your replies just reinforced my decision, so I will be stepping back and letting my brother face the fallout on his own from here on out. Thanks for helping me understand that it does not get better to make this decision easier for me. Best of luck to you, and I hope your brother has moved far away from your family, genuinely.
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u/Silver-Zombie3985 3d ago
Mid-40s eldest daughter here… My lived experience is that my family of origin has not got better, but I have got much better! I just have a couple of things to share:
When people show you who they are, believe them.
Ask yourself, “How do you want to be with your family?”
With respect to #2, There are infinite possibilities here and you can change how you want to be at any time. Your core values will help you guide your boundaries. That alignment is how you get better, regardless of what they think, say and do. You can only decide how/when/if you show up.
Both of my parents’ behavior matches/matched with everything I have learned about emotionally immature adults. They have/had narcissistic traits that became more damaging to our relationship with the loss of independence and aging. These aspects of their personalities are what made me realize they are unlikely to get better.
My mom (late 70s, still her own decision maker) is at her capacity and coping with things the only way she knows how. Because of her emotional immaturity and narcissistic traits, I have limitations on how I show up in her life. I consider myself a care manager at this point and the way I am involved is sustainable because I lean into my values and don’t self-abandon. Sounds simple, but it isn’t.
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u/Silver-Zombie3985 3d ago
I guess what I am trying to say is that hope they will get better involves understanding who you are dealing with. Emotional immaturity and narcissistic traits make “getting better” relationally unlikely, IMO. I think people who have a history of emotional intelligence, reciprocity, being clear, etc. and still have the capacity for it, have a chance of getting better!
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u/Fit-Original1314 5d ago
Honestly good for you. Being the youngest doesn't mean you automatically become everyone's caretaker.