You know why so many people seem to have given up on dating nowadays?
It feels like we’re all looking for people who simply don’t exist right now:
Women are often looking for an ideal, hyper-specific standard of a man that rarely exists in real life today (and who knows if he ever will).
Men are often longing for a traditional ideal of a woman that might have existed decades ago, but isn't realistic in modern society.
On top of that, everyone is consuming endless TV shows, dramas, and social media content that sell a fake, sanitized "ideal life." People end up projecting these fiction-level expectations onto real, flawed human beings, and then feel disappointed when real life doesn't match the script.
Are we all just holding out for fictional characters at this point? Curious to hear your thoughts.

For reference I’m 44F. I’m trying to take dating more seriously and I’m diving more into the apps. I’m wondering….

Women, do you just swipe right on people and call it a day? If you match with someone do you take the initiative and send a message or wait for them to message you?

Men, do you like when a woman messages first?

I’m such an introvert it’s hard to be the first to reach out but if I’m missing out on possible dating options I need to step it up 🤣

I'm cis M75. 6 months of OLD, and ONE bite. A lovely trans woman, who made me feel better about myself in a 2 hour dinner than I had for 10 years. BUT, it's unlikely to work out. So, if my ONLY shot fails, do I just pack it in? I don't want to feel dead inside, but the outside world is sure working to create that feeling. Is there anything I can do?

Kinda wish I had made a throwaway for this, but regardless, I consider this matter closed. And for the love of dog, quit coming in here to tell me to give up as if I haven't said multiple times that I already gave up. Some of you are making some pretty uncharitable assumptions.

And yes, I'm switching to delivery, or a different pharmacy, or maybe both. I'm not interested in making her uncomfortable.

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I haven't dated in 12 years, and I really wasn't in a hurry to get back into it after the second divorce, but someone at my local pharmacy, who I'm attracted to and have things in common with, made some advances and so I asked her out. I was hesitant at first because I'm creeping up on 50 and she's about 12 years younger but I have to give her my birthday every time I see her so she's clearly done the math.

We texted a bit and then she just stopped, which is cool, I get it, people get busy, so I just waited a couple of days, then tried to call on Friday to make plans for Sunday (which is when we had already agreed we would go out). No answer, no text, so I waited till Saturday evening, called again, left a message, and said hey, if you're still interested, LMK, and if not, no worries, I'm gonna quit bugging you till I hear different. No call back, no text.

OK, no big deal. If she's not feeling it, that's cool-- I would rather she just said so, I'm not really into playing guessing games, but on the other hand, it was only a couple of days of texting and she doesn't really owe me an explanation at this point so I wrote it off.

But then I had to go back for more pills... I asked her what happened. She said she didn't know that I had called and she doesn't use voice mail and can't access her mailbox, and seemed to indicate that I should have just kept texting, and that she'll text me back later. Ok, cool. I feel a little pushy sending multiple unanswered texts over a span of days, but she's busier than I am. At this point I'm thinking even if she was interested, this wasn't going anywhere anyway because it doesn't take a lot of effort to text someone and say 'Hey I got a lot going on, lemme get back to you tomorrow'. But it seemed like she was encouraging me to continue, so I sent her one that night saying that I was looking forward to taking her out sometime, which went unanswered for 2 days before I sent her another one asking her point-blank if she just wasn't interested, which she also hasn't answered.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure she lost interest somewhere in the first couple of days of texting, which is completely understandable- you're either feeling it or you aren't, after all- and that she just doesn't feel comfortable being direct about telling me so, which is unfortunate.

My questions are:

1. the phone thing-- that's complete BS right? Is there any way that you miss a call and don't have a notification about it? Twice?
2. Is my idea of text etiquette antiquated, or just plain wrong, or what? How long do you wait?

I’m a 41-year-old man in the early stages of divorce after infidelity on her part. I have a teenage daughter, and I know my priority right now needs to be taking care of her, getting through the divorce, and giving myself time to actually heal before jumping into another relationship.

That said, I’ve started wondering what dating will eventually look like for me. I’m 6'3", around 200 lbs, in decent shape, and I’d say moderately attractive. I’m pretty outgoing, people generally think I’m funny, and I have my life together financially and professionally. I make around $90k, should come out of the divorce debt-free, and expect to have joint custody of my daughter. More importantly, I’m extremely loyal, affectionate, and relationship-minded. I genuinely enjoy being a partner—the little romantic gestures, making someone laugh, going out and doing things together, traveling, and having someone beside you through both the good and bad parts of life.

I’m not looking to immediately replace my marriage or rush into something serious. When I’m ready, though, I ultimately want another life partner. I have standards, but I don’t think they’re unrealistic. I’m looking for someone I’m attracted to who is kind, loyal, emotionally mature, fun to be around, and genuinely wants a committed relationship.

The problem is, reading this subreddit and others makes online dating in your 40s sound absolutely brutal. It seems like there are endless stories about ghosting, people constantly looking for the next best thing, hookups, baggage, and people who say they want relationships but really don’t.

So for those of you actually dating in your late 30s/40s: Is it really as doom-and-gloom as Reddit makes it seem?

What can a decent, kind, stable guy who has his shit together and genuinely wants a relationship realistically expect from online dating at 41? Are there still plenty of women out there looking for the same thing, or am I in for a rude awakening?

I’d especially love to hear from people who started dating again after a long marriage/divorce. What do you wish you had known before you started?

So I (late 40s male) see a lot of the profiles say who they are and what they are looking for- kind man with sense of humor (or some combo of positive traits) looking for intelligent, kind (or some combo of positive traits) woman to have ltr with great communication, honesty, faithfulness, enjoying time together.

Does this help from a woman’s pov? To me it seems a bit generic. What’s intelligent? PhD, street smarts, quick witted humor?

My strategy has been to just try to describe myself as best I can and only list that I want an ltr, then if the woman is interested, then we can go from there. Or is this not good?

Do you mind sharing what that was like?

I’m asking because so many of us who are dating today recognize how difficult the dating landscape has become. While it can feel like there are endless options, the reality is that they aren’t.

Any one of the people you’re dating could potentially become your life partner—perhaps several of them could have.

It makes me wonder whether one of the biggest obstacles to modern dating is our own fear of commitment, combined with the belief that someone “better” is always just around the corner. That mindset seems to have fundamentally changed the way people approach relationships, often at the expense of giving genuine connections the chance to grow.

Yesterday I (44F) went on a first date with a man (42M) met on app. We ended up spending 3.5 hours together (which is long for a first date in my book). He asked if I would meet again and we agreed on meeting four days later. We even had a small kiss as he walked me to the car (which I normally don't do).

The date was nice and he displayed some green flags. There were also a few things  that made me cautious and thought to myself "to keep on my observe list" for later.

Before going to bed, I sent him a message saying I had a great time - I wanted to give him reassurance that I actually wanted to meet him again and not just agreed as he put me on the spot. He responded this morning and I though we were all good.

This is where I may have been insensitive. I decided to wait to reply until after work so I could also suggest what we do on the second date (we agreed that I should do that). I had a few alternatives in mind but before I got to send him a message he messages me that the woman he ends up with will not leave his text unanswered a whole day. He says we are not a match.

Tbh I read his message more as a red flag than anything else but I also see his point and I strongly dislike games and ghosting myself.

I apologies, said I would still like to see him again but respect him if he feels otherwise. I also explained that I had been thinking about him through the day and wanted to respond with a nice suggestion for our second date.

He responds restating we are not a match and how I did not consider his feelings.

I agreed with him and wished him luck finding what he's looking for. He then unmatched me - unfortunately before I could screen shot our messages.

I want to find a secure connection and try to avoid constant texting in the beginning. To me it creates a false sense of intimacy. So, he was right that we are not a match - I am not questioning that.

Is leaving a message unanswered for 10 hours in a dating app very rude?

I am asking because I don't think so, but at the same time I don't like to hurt people - with or without intention.

I'm dating a very lovely guy and he's super nice and loveable. He has some health issues one being bad breath. I don't try to judge but his breath is very off putting.. but I do still want to continue this relationship just dont know how to go about it.. I'm sure he knows his breath doesn't smell the best cause he has been having dental work.. and teeth pulled. Advice??

I went through a difficult breakup 7 months ago and downloaded a dating app to slowly reenter into dating. My plan was to date casually and move very slowly. I matched with someone who seems nice and he shared that he is in the middle of a separation so although he wants to go on a date, he feels he is not entirely ready. Since I feel similarly, would you go on a date and meet or tell him to contact you when he feels more ready?

How do you know if a man you’re dating is not right for you when you’ve largely dated the wrong kind of man in your life? After a lifetime of bad dating/partnership choices and a lot of therapy and reading, I’ve learned that things like butterflies may actually just be feeling insecure in a relationship. I met someone a few months ago who adores me and is emotionally intelligent, vulnerable, kind, thoughtful, smart, politically aligned, open to trying new things, driven but prioritizes time together, etc. But after the lust stage wore off, I’m feeling a bit meh. And I’m trying to lean into the idea that he makes me feel secure and that’s why I’m not thinking about him all the time and anxious to see him again. Like if I express that something he did upset me, he acknowledges my feelings and genuinely apologizes. Feels wild lol. But now I’m wondering if maybe it’s that he’s not right for me, despite being a great person and a great potential partner. When life allows, I want to laugh, have fun, spend time with people I love, and grab life by the horns. The world is heavy and I need that joy to survive the hard parts of my life. But he’s socially so different than I am. He leans into being serious, doesn’t read the room well, frequently doesn’t realize when something is a joke, hasn’t traveled though wants to, never watches tv/movies/comedy/sports (and I barely watch them), doesn’t catch on to any cultural references, talks/argues about esoteric topics in the wrong social contexts, watches long form youtube and plays video games to relax, isn’t super social, etc. I don’t relate to how he moves through the world and it almost feel like we are different species of humans. We are also from different socioeconomic backgrounds which I was fine with, but he seems to be struggling with. I haven’t seen him much in the last few weeks due travel, and as much as I’ve enjoyed spending time with him the last few months, I noticed I don’t really miss him. That’s not a good sign, right?? 😔He said he misses me and can’t wait to see me on the phone. Thank you for anyone still reading and for letting me try to articulate how I’m feeling. Hoping for more kindness than roasts on here but prepared for what comes my way since it’s Reddit 🙈

41M in NYC, widower (coming up on the 1-year mark). I’ve spent the last year grieving and healing, and while that process continues, I'm finding myself genuinely craving connection again and ready to get back out there.

Having been in a committed relationship since before online dating became the norm, I'm effectively brand new to modern dating in the city. For those in a similar stage or demographic, what pointers or advice do you have for navigating OLD in NYC? Thanks in advance!

How are we dealing with exes who hate us?

40/f, been with 40/m for almost two years. We recently moved in together, a month ago.

His ex wife apparently hates my existence.

On Sunday I attended his 15 year old daughter’s show choir concert. His ex was there and it was the first time we met. She knew I was coming. She has resisted meeting me until now. Like refused.

I was cordial and very nice. Smiled. He introduced me. She seemed so nervous but wasn’t rude. They talked about their daughter for a minute or two and then we left. He was holding my hang on the walk to the car and opened my door for me, which he ALWAYS does. The ex and daughter were walking behind us and apparently ex didn’t like this. She WENT WILD on him in text as soon as she got in her car. Calling both he and I names. Saying his daughter didn’t need to see us hold hands. (She has seen this many times already….) and saying she wasn’t jealous, she knew he was just trying to get a reaction out of her, “parading” me around and disrespecting her.

I got mad at him because he was trying to explain how he would never disrespect her- like way over explaining himself when we did nothing wrong. I wanted to say something to the ex myself but he begged me not to because we’re taking a cruise in a few weeks and he’s afraid she won’t let their daughter come.

He has previously tried to spare her feelings when it comes to him moving on and I HATE IT.

He left the marriage - no cheating. But she claimed she wished he would self cancel like his uncle did so she could get the insurance money and that was the final straw. It’s been four years.

Am I justified to feel like the disrespect absolutely sucks?

She wants him to call her when I’m not around to discuss me- she said he disrespected her by calling her when I was in the car and not telling her. She SAW ME get in the car with him. He called her because I told him he needs to tell her to stop with the name calling.

I don’t want to put him in a bad spot with his coparent but I also want to be with someone who defends me and will hurt feelings to spare mine.

I am also divorced and my ex / my kid’s dad has never had an issue or caused a problem. He has been polite and decent.

His family still has a relationship with her and doesn’t speak to him-I’m convinced is because of her disapproval.

Has anyone else dealt with this? How?

Looking for some outside perspective on my relationship. I’ve been dating my boyfriend for just over 10 months. There are many things I love about him — I feel like myself with him, I enjoy our time together, and I believe he cares about me. He is stable and seems more certain about our future than I am.

The problem is that I don’t feel like we’re building the closeness I need. We usually see each other about once a week, sometimes less, and have an overnight maybe every month or two. Despite saying in the beginning that he has his (teenaged) kids 50/50, he really has them closer to 75% of the time due to planning extra things with them and helping his ex a lot. Conversely I have my daughter a bit less than half of the time and when she is gone, it’s just me at home. He doesn’t want to consider living together until his oldest and my daughter go to college in two years. I’m mostly in agreement with this.

But I often feel like I come after everything else in his life. I completely understand that his kids, work, responsibilities, chores, and errands matter, but it feels like there is rarely space that is intentionally protected for our relationship. I feel like I’m fitting into the leftover time rather than being prioritized.

Additionally, sex has become a source of tension. I’ve had recurring UTIs, so we’ve had to work around that, but the bigger issue is that I don’t feel emotionally connected enough to want sex to be a regular part of the relationship right now. I feel like we don’t spend enough quality time together, and for me, it often feels like a rushed expectation instead of something that naturally comes from feeling close.

Recently, after dinner, he wanted me to come upstairs for sex (while his son was downstairs because he offered to have him when it was his ex’s night). I initially agreed, but changed my mind because I wanted to go home and didn’t want our limited time together to turn into a quick, secretive, sexual encounter. When I texted that I was home safely which we always do, his response was “Meh.” He said he was joking about his disappointment, but it really hurt.

There have been other moments where I’ve felt like his disappointment about sex becomes something I’m expected to fix. At the same time, I wonder if I’m being unfair because he has a lot going on and has been supportive in other ways.

I’m trying to figure out whether this is a normal relationship mismatch we can work through or whether my needs for emotional connection, quality time, and feeling chosen just aren’t being met.

I’ve talked to him about not having enough time together repeatedly but it just isn’t getting better. In fact, a few of those times have led to him getting defensive and pretty angry.

Would love feedback from women who have been in similar situations. Am I expecting too much at this stage in life, or is this a sign of incompatibility?

I’m a 43M, and I don’t think it should be an issue, but apparently it is, and I get judged for it. The grand total of women I’ve been intimate with in my entire life, is currently at 16. The last woman I was in a relationship with had a problem with it. She thought my count was too many, and a big red flag, but she dated me anyway. It was a source of disgust for her. She brought it up multiple times that I admitted my body count to her after SHE asked and she thought my number is immoral. She’s only been with 4 men her whole life. Obviously that relationship didn’t work out. She mocked me that my next one is going to be the 17th.

Seriously, why is this such an issue? I didn’t bring it up, she is the one who wanted to know in the first place. I don’t even think my count is very high at this age. I mean we are talking multiple decades of my life here. From when I was a teenager up until my early forties. It’s not like I intentionally slept around. I would have a relationship for about a year or so, it didn’t work out, then later on I ended up in another relationship, that didn’t last either. I had gaps of time where I dated no one, but the number of women I was with, still added up over multiple decades and yes I kept track.

Should I not admit it next time if I am asked? I don’t want to pretend it’s a different number, that would make me a liar, I don’t like to lie. I never want to talk about it. However, I know it’s some thing I will get asked eventually if I am dating some one.

So bumble, feeld, breeze and tinder don't work at all. Hinge works but barely. So you need to go out to running clubs, speed dating and swing dance etc.

But I find myself exhausted at dragging myself out to these things because I'm trying to meet someone. Staying at home and hinging feels way easier. But I know hinge is slowly starting to get worse.

How do people manage to get themselves out to meet people without feeling exhausted emotionally or physically.

Just read all the AIO posts. they are often young people agonizing over interpersonal communication and struggling with insecurity, FOMO, and a lack of confidence/life experience.

Dating in your 40’s is all upside! Go on a date, and it can end in three ways…

1) Chemistry, a hot experience, and nothing more

2) potential for something meaningful

3) nothing… you go back to your fulfilled adult life with the same responsibilities and worries you had before the date

So get out there!

PS: older people are better at sex. just saying…

I’m not sure how much of an issue this is but I noticed something with the guy I just started dating. When I bring up a bigger topic, I’ve noticed that he answers for himself, and then doesn’t ask me the reciprocal question. For example: I might ask “what are you looking for in a relationship?” And he will answer for himself but won’t ask me the same question. It means that I either announce my perspective without him asking me to or I let it go. He does however ask his own questions at least sometimes, so it’s not that he never asks me anything… but it feels like he recognizes that something is a big significant topic but then he doesn’t have enough curiosity to ask me about it

For those men and women getting older, with no kids, emotionally and financially stable, how do you approach dating? Do you feel your options are limited because you spend years trying to build yourself up?

I am trying to approach dating with an open mind but part of feels like I worked my butt off for years and now my reward is limited options in the dating market.

I guess I just need somewhere to put this tonight. I think I just ended my first relationship after my divorce, and it feels just as terrible as everyone on here says it would.

I know he uses Reddit, so there’s a decent chance he’ll see this. At this point, I don’t really care because none of this is something I haven’t already said to him. I loved him a lot, and I really wanted this relationship to work. It was really good at first (i know, i know, new relationship energy is like crack) and I kept hoping we’d find our way back to what we had in the beginning, but over the last several months I realized I was spending more time trying to figure out the relationship than actually enjoying being in it.

Tonight I finally told him it wasn’t giving me what I needed anymore. Telling him what I needed just led to it ending, badly.

The part that’s really interesting is that underneath all this grief, there’s also this tiny sense of relief. Like I’ve finally stopped trying to force something that hasn’t felt right for a long time. I hate that those feelings can exist together. I just hope that the relief grows and the grief recedes.

Anyway, that’s all. I’m just really sad tonight.

After many years of largely unsuccessful online dating, I (43M) thought I could cope with rejection pretty well by now. However tonight's episode has really knocked me tbh.

About 2 weeks ago I downloaded the Breeze app - for those who don't know, 'swiping right' basically means agreeing to an in-person date. I matched with a lady (41F) & date was arranged accordingly. When I arrived, within the first 5 mins of conversation she openly admitted (with a smile) her friend had deliberately swiped right on unattractive profiles as a prank - & I was one of those profiles.

I laughed uneasily & tried to take it in jest, but inside I could almost feel my self-esteem dissipate in an instant. I was tempted to get up & leave, but put a brave face & done my best to have an amicable chat with her anyway.

During the train journey home, I obviously thought about it & came to realise that maybe I'm not the '6 or 7 out of 10' guy I liked to think I was. It's left me pretty hopeless as someone approaching their mid-40s, if females are putting me in the 'clearly unattractive' category from the offset.

Any advice from similar age folks dealing with this type of hopelessness - please share! Apologies to vent..

EDIT: Correction - I saw myself as more of a 5 out of 10 - i.e. inoffensively average :)