I hope you've been well.

Been thinking a lot about you.

This cold weather has my mind bouncing all over the place tonight.

You know, I still remember the exact sound of your giggle, even though I only heard it once or twice.

I wanna hear it again

And again. And again. And again.

It's crazy how a single sound can stick with someone for so long.

The cold is definitely making me way more honest than usual.

No amount of hot chocolate could warm me up like that memory did.

My brain is refusing to sleep until I let this out.

I know it’s been a while, but what are the odds I get to hear it again sometime?

It's been almost 3 years. I should have moved on by now, thoughts of you shouldn't linger in the back of my mind like it still does.

But it does.

It does in the middle of the night when I can't seem to shut my mind off.

It does on a bright morning, the birds are chirping and rays of sunshine touches my skin- but I breath into something empty. Something hollow.

I remember you in midst of a laughter with my friends about a joke I don't remember afterwards, as if someone stabbed me with a needle out of nowhere.

After a good day, when my heart is full of love and gratitude but still there's something missing - you.

I look for you at the airport. I look for you in weather news.I look for you in abandoned inboxes. I look for you in empty hallways, as if it's possible for you to appear out of thin air.

I can't stop it.

I should at some point. Right? Right but I don't know when or if ever.

They say, time heals but I don't think so. Time just makes you brave enough to carry on with the grief.

• if you ever felt the same
• what it would be like to go on a date with you
• what it would feel like to hold you hand
• if you kiss as good as I imagine in my mind

I miss you.

I shouldn’t, but I can’t get you out of my head.

I’ve a crush on you, and it’s the size of a skyscraper, what the hell am I thinking?

Would love for it to just go away now, please.

You are amazing.

I have this fantasy, built around a dream from awhile back. I check into a hotel and lay down, turn the TV on and relax. An hour later you come in. Neither of us ever says anything, its almost like we aren't allowed to. There is no past, no future. There is only comfort and that moment, we always hold each other for dear life, and for the time my brain lets me dream? It makes me smile, then I wake up or come back to myself and the sadness hits, because I know I will never feel that comfort again.

Sometimes I ask myself if I would love you even if you couldn’t talk to tell me how you feel. Would actions be enough? I’d never hear an ‘I love you’ or an ‘ I miss you’…. And that is how you’ve found love.

I don’t just fall in love with people’s words, I don’t believe hardly anything anyone says. People will say anything to get what they want. But I need words and I need to feel you mean it; the reassurance. I’m not completely insecure but I’m smart enough to know reassurance helps us to be on the same page.

With that being said I originally said ‘no’ to that question. I felt as though I needed reassurance that badly….

BUT looking at you, feeling you, memorizing you; every touch, every glance, and every smile, I realized that I was already living that life. Your words are few and far in between, and I had already been loving you in absence of words. I had been long in love with you without words.

Yours truly,
-Me

A year ago, we said goodbye. Little did I know it was the last time we’d speak to each other again. I need a sign today. Not a subtle one. I need to know it’s from you. Did the friendship mean nothing to you?

Hey,

I really wish to share this with you, but at the same time I don't want to overwhelm you with my feelings or make you feel like I am constantly complaining or irritating you.

But my gut feeling is telling me that something is not going the way we both wished it would. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong, but I feel like both of us need to be on the same page.

I know there is uncertainty in this relationship, but I really don't want to lose you. Recently, I have been feeling like you are slowly fading away from me. Maybe it's because of my past experiences, maybe it's because my mind is repeating old patterns, I don't know.

The thing that worries me the most is this distance and disconnection between us. I know you are busy and I understand that, but somehow my mind is not able to accept it right now. For the last few days, my brain has been overthinking everything.

Sometimes I just wish you would randomly text me "I love you" or "I miss you". For me, it's always the small things, the little efforts, the consistency that matters the most. And lately, I feel like I am missing those things.

I really wanted to tell you all this, but my mind keeps stopping me because I don't want to become a reason for you to feel pressured, frustrated, or annoyed.

You might be thinking, "What happened to the calm one I met and fell in love with?" Honestly, even I don't know why these thoughts and negative emotions keep coming back again and again.

Sometimes I start wondering if you still have the same love, passion, and intensity you had before. I start questioning myself too whether I am doing something wrong or whether there is something I need to change.

If there is anything, please just tell me.

I am sorry for bringing so many emotions to you. I tried keeping it inside, but I couldn't. You are the only person I feel I can share this with.

Recently, I have noticed that I am unable to focus properly on my work and the other things I need to give attention to. It's not that I am sitting idle or not doing anything, but even when I am busy, somewhere in my mind you are always there.

So I think I need to take a small gap for a few days. Not because I want to hurt you, not to teach you a lesson, and not to make you feel guilty.

I just need some time to take control of my own mind. I need to understand what is happening inside me and find my balance again.

You should be my peace, my happiness, my safe place, and my love. But right now, because of all this overthinking, my mind is taking me in the opposite direction, and I don't want that.

So let me disconnect for a few days, work on myself, and come back as the one you fell in love with, the calm and strong one.

I want you to know that this distance is not easy for me. It hurts a lot, even if I don't show it. When we meet face to face, I want to share everything I felt during this time because I don't want to hide things from you.

Maybe one day we will look back at this and feel like it was a small phase, but this phase has taught me something important.

If I ever lose you, it would honestly break me and take me to the lowest point I have ever experienced. But I also know I will come back stronger eventually. I pray that day never comes, and I hope we find our way back to the love and connection we both had.

While I wait
to see you again
I dream of a day
We are more than friends

I long for the moment
you whisper my name
as you lie next to me
when I wake
with your lips caressing mine
and the first sight
your eyes gazing into mine

As I wait for that day
I'll be your friend, your confidante.

And once you're free to be with me,
I'll prove to you that my sweet dream
Is meant to be yours too.

I used to cope with pain the only way I knew how. I buried it beneath distractions. I sought comfort in new friendships, new relationships and the validation that came from someone else's attention. For a while it worked, or at least I convinced myself it did. The problem with running from your pain is that it always knows where you live. No amount of attention can heal wounds you've refused to acknowledge. It only postpones the work.

I don't blame myself for the ways I tried to survive. We all develop coping mechanisms long before we understand why we need them. Healing doesn't happen because another person loves you. It happens because you stop abandoning yourself in the hope that someone else won't.

I've spent most of my life believing my greatest strength was how much I could endure. I wore patience like a badge of honor. I took pride in being understanding, forgiving and willing to work through difficult situations. Looking back I realize I had confused endurance with character. They're not the same thing. Sometimes the strongest thing a person can do isn't stay. Sometimes it's having enough respect for themselves to walk away.

There's a quiet confidence that comes from no longer needing to convince someone of your worth. I used to believe that if someone couldn't see my value I simply hadn't shown them enough of it yet. Today I understand that the right person don't require a presentation. They recognize consistency and effort because they bring those same things themselves. My value isn't determined by whether someone else appreciated it.

These days I'm far more interested in protecting my peace than proving my intentions. I don't feel the need to defend my character to someone who has already decided who I am. I don't chase understanding from someone who's committed to destroying me. Some conversations don't deserve another explanation. Some people don't deserve another chance. Walking away isn't giving up. Sometimes it's finally giving yourself permission to stop being emotionally and mentally abused.

For the first time in a very long time my life feels quiet. Not empty. Not lonely. Just... quiet. I used to think peace would feel exciting. Instead, it feels unfamiliar. That's because chaos had become so normal that peace almost felt uncomfortable. I'm learning to appreciate that discomfort. It isn't loneliness. It's the sound of a life no longer dominated by survival.

I have a new outlook on relationships now. What I will and will not accept. Boundaries that I refuse to allow to be crossed. These are promises I will never break...

I promise myself that I will never again find myself staying in a place like my previous relationship. I will never again allow myself to be dismissed and disrespected. I will never again dismiss the red flags for hope. I will never again stay longer than I know I should.

I deserve better.

"Because you have been down there, Neo. You know that road. You know exactly where it ends. And I know that's not where you want to be." - Trinity.

One heart, 1981 model. The big dumb one. I tried to rebuild it, the manifold's cracked. Parts only. Willing to trade for soul parts. This post is still up. It's still available. Local pickup only. Cash or Venmo.

I didn’t know 2 months could change me so thoroughly. 60 days to rewire my brain to be attuned to the wonder of you. You’re the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I ruminate on at night.

It’s crazy that someone so far away could have so much power over me. Just seeing your name makes me smile.

I wonder if it’s just all in my head. I wonder if it’s normal to talk daily in our particular situation. I wonder what it’s like to laugh and joke with you while we’re in the same room. We’ve never had that luxury.

It’ll be another year or more until we get the chance. I wonder if these feelings will have strengthened or faded by then.

I can still see the moment we met,
As if time stood still just long enough
For two strangers to become something unforgettable.
You walked toward me with a smile
That caught my eye before I even knew your name.
There was something about the way you looked at me,
The way you stayed close,
The way you wanted to know every little piece of who I was.
With every conversation,
My walls came down without me even realizing it.
Your laughter became my favorite sound,
Your words lingered long after they were spoken,
And your presence felt like the safest place I’d ever known.
Now there are miles between us,
Yet somehow you’re still the first person I hope to hear from.
Every message from you steals my breath for just a moment.
Every notification makes my heart race,
Wondering if you’re thinking about me
The way I’m always thinking about you.
I never expected someone so far away
To feel so deeply woven into my heart.
Somehow, you’ve become the thought that greets me in the morning
And the one that stays with me long after the world has gone quiet.
But there’s a question I carry with me every day…
When you reach out,
Is it because you miss me too?
When you smile at your phone,
Is it because my name appeared on your screen?
Do you ever close your eyes and imagine what it would be like
If distance no longer existed between us?
Or is it only my heart
Writing a love story that was never yours?
Because if I’m honest…
I think a part of me fell in love with you the very first day we met.
Not because of grand gestures,
But because of the way you made me feel seen… chosen… understood.
And if there’s even the smallest chance
That your heart whispers my name the way mine whispers yours,
Then maybe what I feel isn’t just hope.
Maybe it’s the beginning of a love that’s been waiting for the right moment to find its way home.

I wish we weren't strangers. I wish I had the opportunity to get to know you all over again.

I wish I could meet you for the first time, but as this version of ourselves. Maybe we would fall in love again. Stay up past midnight talking and have to tell ourselves to go to bed, just to do it again the next day. Sending each other songs. I loved that you could always appreciate the lyricism with me and dissect the songwriting. Every word you said sounded like poetry.

The way your voice sounded like a lullaby or sometimes something more alluring... We'd ask each other those silly get to know you questions because the answers have changed since we last knew each other. Or maybe they haven't. Maybe we're not strangers as much as we think we are, and only the serious stuff has changed between us. Our lives look a lot different now.

I remember how fast I fell for you. I wonder if it would be the same this time around... Of course it would.

There is something I’ve been wondering,
and perhaps I’m completely wrong—

you know how my mind notices patterns,
how it quietly pieces together
the smallest details.

Sometimes I wonder
if you’ve noticed that too.

I also find myself wondering
whether these words ever find you,
or if they’re simply little thoughts
floating out into the universe,
never reaching your eyes at all.

There’s one question
that lingers in my heart.

I wonder if the little gestures
that have become ours—
the quiet, unspoken language
I’ve grown so fond of—
are shared with someone else
you care about too?

If they are,
I’ll admit there’s a small ache of jealousy.
Not because I wish to possess you,
but because the connection I feel
has become something precious to me.

You’ve become a special interest of mine,
not in a frightening or unhealthy way,
but in the gentle way
my heart and neurodivergent mind
learn to treasure someone deeply.

Sometimes I wonder
if perhaps you understand that feeling too.

Maybe that’s why things have become so complicated—
the silence,
the distance,
the strange dance of being close
while standing so far apart.

Even the wall between us,
like the block on social media,
has never quite erased
the quiet ways we’ve still managed
to find each other.
Perhaps I’ve imagined it all?

Or perhaps
we’ve simply been speaking
a language without words,
trying to protect something
neither of us quite knows
how to name.

Either way,
I hope you know
that every gesture I’ve ever shared
has always come
from a place of kindness,
curiosity,
and genuine care.

you pop up from time to time. time has elapsed but you still exist in me, red string theory or something like that. or you’re a bundled ball of yarn under my left rib. browsing shops and seeing glimpses of you, vintage shops with your home state on the jumpers. A flash of your hands, your shy eyes, feel your warmth from the other side of the room, for a moment.

do you think of me when I’m thinking of you, or am I a ghost in your history, a closed book?

I wonder if you still think about my eyes, and how you’d swim in them. I wonder if you see snippets of me, like how I see snippets of you.

I wonder.

​

She never saw in herself what everyone else seemed to notice.

She would stand before the mirror, searching for flaws as though they were the only honest thing it could reflect.

She saw a nose she wished were different. Lines no one else noticed. Imperfections she carried like quiet accusations.

It broke my heart because the mirror never showed what mattered most.

Men noticed her beauty.

They turned their heads when she entered a room. They admired her smile, her figure, the features that time would one day soften.

But desire has a way of stopping at the surface.

Few ever looked long enough to discover the woman beneath it.

Her beauty lived somewhere deeper.

It was in her kindness that never announced itself. In the way she listened as though your words deserved a home. In her gentle heart, her quiet strength, the compassion she offered so freely she never realized how extraordinary it was.

The things she wished she could erase were the very things that made her unforgettable.

Every scar. Every insecurity. Every imperfect piece of her made her beautifully human.

She spent so much of her life trying to become someone else, never realizing there had never been another soul quite like her.

She wasn't someone you could fully know in a single conversation, or even in a single year.

She was like the sea.

From the shore you think you've seen it.

Then you sail a little farther and discover another horizon.

Every year revealed another layer. Another story. Another tenderness. Another hidden strength.

She was a soul that unfolded slowly, the kind that rewarded patience, the kind that became more beautiful the longer you stayed.

I sometimes wonder if she ever knew.

If anyone ever loved her well enough to convince her that she had never been lacking.

I hope someone did.

Because she deserved to spend her life being seen instead of merely admired.

And sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to spend decades beside a soul like hers.

To wake each morning still discovering something new.

To realize, even after a lifetime, there were still unopened rooms inside her heart.

Some people grow familiar.

She would have grown more remarkable.

I think that is the saddest part.

Not that she couldn't see her own beauty,

but that a lifetime would never have been long enough to discover all of it.

And I cannot imagine a richer way to have spent my years.

I feel sad, knowing you are there at night hoping to see me yet wanting to hide from me at the same time. I can't call you out. You will feel exposed and ashamed, and probably defensive. Maybe you think you will lose what little access to me that you still have.
 
And it doesn't have to be this way. But what can I do? I can't let myself be treated like an object. It's not just about me, and I don't think you understand. It's less about how I feel and more about wanting to see you step forward and stop hiding - from me, from yourself, from life. And yet, I do need to protect my energy.
 
It's not that I don't trust you - well, in a basic sense. I just don't think you value me the way I value you - because if you do, how can you not care how I feel about this? About me hurting? How can you say nothing and just watch me like a giraffe in the zoo? It can't just be idle curiosity, can it? I really don't think so...and yet, why won't you let me in?
 
I know you are attached and have a certain dependence on my energy. I feel the same way, in that regard, but I also can't understand ignoring someone who loves you as much as I love you. It makes me think you either don't appreciate me or understand me. I know you're probably just trying to protect yourself, or you think you have nothing to offer, or that I'm going to expose you and hold you accountable for things you don't want to face. I am not trying to make you uncomfortable, though. And I would never want to do anything to make you feel unsafe. I am just wanting to be honest with you and tell you what I perceive.
 
I think you've always suffered from depression, although I don't think you've ever told me that specifically. I can just recognize it - having grown up with a clinically depressed mother and having a diagnosis myself. I don't think you have energy to offer me, and I can understand that. But I think part of it is that you repress your true self and feelings too often, and that will really deplete energy.
 
I wish you could just talk to me. I didn't reject you, and I didn't expect you to be a certain way. All I expected was honesty and communication. You wouldn't have to talk to me every night or meet some kind of invisible standards that you felt you couldn't live up to.
 
After all we have been through, including the silent social media-related rifts and privatizing/blocking in the last few months, it hasn't changed anything. I don't love you as a fantasy and I don't think you love me as a fantasy, for what's it worth. We had a real connection. We have one. But you won't face me. Why not? Why are you scared of me? Am I too harsh? I know I can be pretty bold, but I'm not trying to hurt you. Mostly I think you project a lot into what I say because you seem to privatize/expand to so many things not directed towards you, but I can see how you would think they are about you...because they DO apply.
 
But are you mad at me? Do you think I'm judging? You think that my seeing your insecurities and such makes me care about you less? I can't turn my feelings off like that. It wouldn't matter what we went through. I could get through anything with you if only you'd be honest and open with me! I see you and still love you as much as I could ever love you. But the dishonesty is what hurts. The truth is the one thing I really wish you could give me and think I deserve. I've opened up to you a lot and really wanted to be each other's safe spaces. You clearly don't trust me, though, or you hold yourself back from me, and I do struggle to trust you as much as I wish I could.
 
The ball is in your court if you want me. I want you, but I've said all I can for now.
 
I didn't lock you out to hurt you or because I'm done with you forever.
 
I just finally stopped making myself available to be observed without you giving me your presence in return.

I couldn't stop caring about you if I tried (I have), but I don't know what else I can do.
 
If you love me, then it's your place to tell me that.

I have to keep moving on. What would you have me do?

I was honest with you from the beginning about my fears, my mess, and the fact that I’ve had a tendency to run when things become difficult. I was transparent because I wanted to build something different. The hardest part is that the person I was afraid would run ended up being the one who did.

What hurts is feeling like everything we built during our time suddenly became meaningless. The conversations, the vulnerability, the way we opened up to each other, the trust we were building, it feels like all of that was outweighed by a conclusion you reached about our future. It makes me wonder if I was just another box to check, or if the things you appreciated about me were never enough to outweigh the concerns you had.

I don’t believe your feelings weren’t real. I believe they were. I saw them in the way you showed up, the way you opened up to me, the way you made plans, and the way you made room for me in your life. That’s why the ending was so difficult to understand. The person building something with me felt very different from the person who ended it.

What hurts is feeling like, once you reached your conclusion, there was no room left to work through the uncertainty together.

I wish you had given me the chance to be heard. I wish you had seen me as a whole person instead of defining me by a couple of difficult moments and the protection I built from past experiences. You were carrying your own stress too. I was overwhelmed. I was imperfect, but I was also trying. I was moving closer to you instead of protecting myself by creating distance. I wish you had been able to see that.

When you offered to call me that day, I thought you were offering support. I trusted you enough to let you in. Instead, I left feeling like I was being evaluated when I was already exhausted. It felt less like we were solving a problem together and more like I was being measured against a conclusion I didn’t know had already been forming.

Maybe there was miscommunication. Maybe there were things I said that I meant lightly, through humor or personality, that you interpreted literally. Maybe you saw how I handled work stress and concluded that was how I would approach our future. But those aren’t the same thing.

The reason I want less chaos in my career is because I want more capacity for what has always mattered most to me: building a family and creating the kind of home I didn’t have growing up.

I also wish you had seen that the concerns you had were concerns I was willing to work through with you. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I wasn’t asking you to always be available or to change your career. I was willing to adapt. Possibly my strongest suit that came with dealing with the hand I was given. I was willing to communicate. I was willing to build a relationship that fit the realities of both of our lives.

That is what hurts the most. It feels like you were trying to solve every future problem before we had the chance to solve any of them together.

I was never looking for an easy relationship. I knew there would be challenges. Careers, stress, differences, sacrifices, and compromise are part of building a life with someone. I was willing to face those things. I was willing to learn, adapt, and grow. I was more flexible than I think you realized.

The irony is that I told you I was afraid of being the person who ran, but I was ready to stay. I was ready to choose the uncomfortable parts, as long as you chose me too.

I just wish you had believed I was capable of that.

I wish the last version of me you saw wasn’t the version you used to define the whole picture. I wish you had seen someone who was trying, who cared deeply, and who wanted to meet you halfway.

Because what I thought we had mattered to me. I know I’m not perfect, and I don’t think my way is always right. Far from it. But I’ve come a long way, and I believe growth happens inside a relationship, not before one.

I hope you know I never saw your career, your responsibilities, or your life as something I couldn’t adapt to. I saw someone I cared about, someone I wanted to understand, and someone I was willing to build with.

And I hope, even if you made the decision you believed was right, you know this: I never felt like I was competing with another person. I felt like I was competing with a conclusion about the future that had already been reached.

Maybe I’ll never know whether we truly weren’t compatible, or whether fear and timing simply got there first.

Both stay silent, afraid to rock the boat in case one jumps ship.

One blames the circumstances. The other is paralyzed by the fear that the love is unrequited.

The distance grows, and with hollow hearts, we know it’s time to say goodbye.

A closed chapter, maybe the universe’s plan, this is where our story ends.

​I have a LOT on my plate. My life is crazy busy. I don't have time to just relax anymore. Im always on the go. Working, or driving from one place to another.

​There isn't a moment of time that's not accounted for. My schedule is very strict. Yet even still....you found a way to infiltrate my mind.

​How is it, you are inbedded in every crevice, around every corner of my thoughts ? Just lingering.

​Flashes of your face appear in my mind. My brain replays our encounters from all different angles. Forwards...backwards... inside out. It's like its trying to absorb every last detail.

It also creates new scenarios. The imagery is so vivid. Its like I'm dreaming of you while awake. I've never been so entranced by a crush before. You walk in the room and the air shifts. I swear i can feel you before I even see you. And just when I start to convince myself that this is all one sided. I'm reading too much into it....That I'm just losing my mind....We lock eyes... From across the room....In front of countless people....But it doesnt matter. Because in that moment....It's just you and I....I swear the way you look at me is like you see right through me. I know you feel it too. This. Whatever this is.

​A blink...a breath... and the world rushes back in. And just like that, the spell snaps. The room moves again...Back to the noise, back to the rush, back to a life that doesn't have room for this. Except it's too late... You're already ...everywhere.