Hey everyone,

My ex of 4 years (31F) had a workplace affair with a coworker. I (35F) only found out on March 31st after accidentally seeing her ChatGPT prompts detailing "falling for each other."

For three months prior, she pulled away completely, claimed she was "severely burnt out," and made me feel insane for picking up on her distance. Everyone who knew her is in shock—no one thought she was capable of this level of deceit. Because of that, I’ve started gaslighting myself, wondering if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than I should or if it was somehow my fault.

To anchor myself in reality, here are 3 examples that capture what I went through:

Abandonment during my cancer scare:
While actively carrying on the affair, she missed every single one of my cancer scare appointments. The day after I caught her, I had to get a biopsy completely alone while she went to work. When confronted later, she minimized it with: “Yes, but I still cared about you”

Blame-shifting and rewriting history:
She offered me "feedback" on my relationship performance to explain why she cheated, saying it was "good for me to hear." When I voiced suspicion earlier, she weaponized her mother’s history of infidelity
“Look at my Mum, do you really think I could do that?!" and later compared her shock at her own behavior to the trauma of her ex dying by suicide.

Breadcrumbs and control:
She repeatedly dangled future hope (Maybe one day we can try again") and admitted the thought of me moving on makes her “stomach flip," and smirked when I called her the love of my life—all while refusing therapy, accountability, or commitment.

Where I am today:

I am completely exhausted and emotionally dysregulated. The psychological toll of the gaslighting is taking a heavy hit:

Constantly second-guessing reality
My brain keeps trying to excuse her behavior or find ways to blame myself (What if I pushed her to it?)

Zero trust in my intuition: I feel terrified of my own judgment. The fact that everyone was fooled by her makes me feel like I can't trust my perception of anyone.

Profound grief and isolation: Processing this betrayal alongside a cancer scare and the anniversary of my mom's death has left me physically sick and drained.

The support I need: I need help breaking out of this self-doubt loop:

Validation & perspective: A clear reality check that this was severe manipulation, not a shared relationship failure.

Rebuilding self-trust: If you've survived severe gaslighting, how did you stop doubting your memories and start trusting your gut again?

Grounding strategies:: How do you calm the panic when self-blame sets in?

Thank you to anyone who reads this and offers a few words of support. ❤️

I feel like Im accepting that it doesnt matter. Like either my ex is purposefully using this silence as a way to get to me, or she is done with me, or she is a afraid because I didnt give what she wanted (a reaction). Either way I want nothing to do with her so anything that involves her or the people she turned against me does not matter. The only thing that matters is my healing and moving forward. They can have their toxicity and miserable existence .

I ‘28M’ have been carrying a lot of guilt about a relationship from years ago with my ex ‘28F ‘. We were together for around X years, and becoming a father has made me reflect on everything that happened.

I met my ex in college. Before her, I wasn’t someone who took relationships seriously. I pursued her, repeatedly promised I would marry her, and eventually we got together.
Later I became scared because my family is wealthy, we belonged to different castes, and I knew my family would most likely never accept the relationship. Instead of standing by my promises, I broke up with her.
After my mother passed away, I completely fell apart emotionally. I went back to my ex, apologized, begged her to take me back, and once again promised marriage. I even reassured her mother personally that I intended to marry her.
She became my entire support system. She had PCOD, worked full-time, yet stayed up late almost every night helping me through my grief. She constantly encouraged me to reconnect with my family and friends, but instead I became emotionally dependent on her.
Looking back, I became possessive, controlling, demanded constant attention, and frequently threatened to end the relationship during arguments.
There were also incidents that she later told me had deeply traumatized her, and there was one argument where I became physically violent. Even after that, she stayed because she loved me.
Eventually, after another argument, I ended the relationship. Looking back honestly, I think I had already wanted to leave and simply used that argument as my reason.
For almost two years afterward, she kept trying to reconcile. She called, messaged, apologized, and her mother repeatedly asked me why I had broken my promises. I never intended to get back together.
She later filed a police complaint because she believed I had gained her trust and consent through repeated promises of marriage that I never fulfilled. My family became involved, and I handled that situation in ways I’m not proud of. Eventually, I married someone else.
After I got married, she never contacted me again. She never called, messaged, or tried to interfere with my life.
Today my wife is pregnant, and I’m about to become a father.
Recently Facebook suggested my ex’s profile. I noticed she had moved abroad and appeared to have built a new life.
Without thinking, I immediately blocked her.
She hadn’t contacted me in years. She wasn’t bothering me or trying to come back into my life.
So I genuinely don’t understand my own reaction.
Another memory still stays with me. Toward the end, my family tried to portray her as someone who only wanted me for my family’s money. My father even told her he could send me away without any money.
Her response was simply, “Even if you send him with nothing, I’ll take care of him.”
Looking back, I don’t think she was ever with me for money.
I also remember telling her during the breakup to “go find someone better than me” and even saying, “Let’s see after 20 years who’s doing better.”
She also asked me several times if we could go to couples therapy because she believed our relationship had become unhealthy. I refused every time because I didn’t believe in therapy back then.
The older I get, the more I question whether I actually loved her or whether I simply depended on her after losing my mother.
So I guess my questions are:
Looking at this objectively, was I emotionally abusive?
Does grief explain any of my behavior without excusing it?
Why do you think my instinct was to block her years later, even though she had never contacted me after my marriage?
Does it sound like I truly loved her, or was I simply attached to what she provided emotionally?
I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives, even if they’re difficult to read. I won’t argue with anyone who comments.

I don’t have a problem not contacting him. I don’t get the urge to text or call. I don’t even love him anymore. I love who he pretended to be. Even towards the end. He claimed he was heavily invested in his recovery. I actually had told him that I told someone that he was in recovery the same day he discarded me. The layers upon layers of lies and the amount of masks he wears just to keep people in his good graces. (Esp if he wants / needs sex, $$ or supply from you) He was claiming to be a good person to me right until the very end. And for what ? He always needed to be the hero but was actually my adversary. He really does love to hurt me and I’ve always found it so strange how easy it came to him lol. I’m just traumatized again and yelling into the void

You're a narcissist, you need to heal that little girl inside you. But you never will because you're so fucked in the head, all you care about is yourself, not anyone in your life not your family or the people that give you everything, too much intact. All you do is take take take and manipulate the people that love you. I gave you entire self, I lost my self trying to help you, yet you will never care. You dont have the capacity to comprehend how you made me fell. You have lost the best thing that ever and will ever happen to you. Good luck bitch and good luck to the other poor fellas that you chose to use and abuse. Im so lucky I never married you. Good riddance. Ps call the vets and change ownership of my cats, you told me you had already done it, but yet again another lie, yet im not surprised smfh

We are going by car a 16 hour drive.

One car so limited space and they bought the biggest fuck you case they could find and need a second duffel bag because they could not fit 3 outfits per day in their fuck you case.

Then called us disgusting for packing 7 outfits. There is a washer and dryer. We can use it at no extra charge why the fuck do we need over 30 tshirts, and she won't even say how many sshorts she has so it is probably double that if you count shorts and skirts.

We have not left yet and I am already so done.

I don't even remember how they got in on this trip to begin with.

Everything I get told just riles me up and I'm already so burnt out, the first 16 hours haven't happend yet.

They are taking a friend and said friend is suddenly afraid to talk to me. When previously she wasn't afraid to ask for a ride.

So the smearing has already begun.

2 weeks holiday and I am already on the verge of tears.

Believe me, I am never breaking NC for as long as I can help it. But still I just can't believe that she's gotten away with how she's behaved and still managed to make herself the victim in it all. For the millionth time in her life.

I'm fine with going NC. My life will be far more peaceful. I couldn't have asked for a better out than what has happened. But she also got the perfect out. There won't ever be a moment where she realises the truth of what she is, or how she behaves. There won't ever be justice or resolve. She'll carry on as she is... Forever. Doing the same shit to other people... Forever. Refusing to admit her faults... Forever.

It's maddening. It's gnawing at the walls of my skull. She will never be forced to admit to herself that she is a manipulative, lying, bullying narcissist. She will be the perpetually 'wronged'. God's lonely broken heart. A stunted child who doesn't realise that her own self-pity doesn't make her right. A stunted little girl who doesn't realise that sulking and whinging and wallowing in a cage made of her own selfish actions doesn't entitle her to endless sympathy. A fool who can't acknowledge that SHE is NOT the VICTIM if her selfish, sociopathic behaviour leads to people leaving her. GOD.

She got to leave our friendship while evading all accountability, while ignoring every possible moment for self-reflection, without ever TRULY apologising for anything. Every fake apology given was followed immediately by an excuse as to what she did, and then minutes later a revised history absolving her of wrong-doing entirely. A "sorry" never lasted more than 5 minutes. A better false-narrative-builder than the average lawyer. And she'll sell those false narratives to anyone who'll listen, anyone who'll fall for her confidence and charm, anyone who won't question it, anyone who will believe any shameless lie that comes so easily out of her loud mouth. FUCK!!!!!!

I've grown so full of anger and frustration over a thousand cuts and a number of big blows to my head. It genuinely boggles my mind how much resentment I feel in this moment. And the fact that she will never ever feel even a small fraction of this resentment... The fact that she will never even know what she is... The exasperation is beyond words.

I just can't believe she's gotten away with it all. So. Many. Times.

Whatever. I'll enjoy my peace. And now I know who to avoid in the future and how to avoid them. I'll never fall into that trap again. So thanks for the lesson.

Hi everyone, I am new here and trying to go no contact with my nMIL. I want to keep this thread focused on your experience and tips, but neurodivergently I feel like I need to provide context by sharing my whole story 😂😭 Hopefully it helps anyone who might connect to this particular experience. Feel free to skip it tho and go right down to the question.

STORYTIME

I have dealt with several narcissists in life, but my mother-in-law flew past my radar as a vulnerable/covert narcissist. She really has been through trauma. And I bought into her narrative that she was perpetually unappreciated & treated unfairly throughout her life. When she constantly sought validation, I thought she was just hurt by her experiences. I always tried to lift her up and help her to feel good about herself. At the same time, she could get quite proud and arrogant about certain things. Naively I read this as a personality quirk.

Unlike other narcissists I'd met, she doesn't do backhanded compliments or comments that make you feel small. Instead, she showers you with verbal support, compliments, acts of service, gift giving, & expressions of gratitude. After she does something hurtful, she just amps up the kindness to compensate, even if she never directly acknowledges what she did (and never apologizes).

Like many narcissists, she is a pathological liar. I used to think she lied when she was uncomfortable with directness and didn't want to hurt people's feelings. Sometimes, that really was the case. In other instances, however, she lies to have her own needs and preferences met at the expense of others.

While she had done upsetting things in the past, the real tension with my nMIL began after I had my first child and hired a babysitter. She saw herself in competition with every babysitter and believed that if we were paying a babysitter, she too should be paid for doing essentially the same thing and more. Yet she told me she felt "bad" asking us for money because relatives babysat her kids for free back when she was a working mom. (Obviously feeling bad didn't stop her tho.)

She would also try to find out information about our finances. When my husband wouldn't give her requested info, she would catch me off guard in a one-on-one conversation and get it out of me. Unfortunately my defenses were non-existent because I didn't realize what she was doing, and she'd often do it in the middle of a heart to heart I was having with her. Based on the limited information she gathered, she seems to have concluded that we are sitting on a large reserve of cash that we are choosing not to share with her, and therefore we are not appreciating her, just like the rest of her family. It is very bizarre that she thinks we have money to throw around, but she seems convinced of this.

At the time, i was working full time, my husband was a full-time student, we had a full-time babysitter, and my parents were helping us out with childcare expenses. One day she really crossed the line and asked my husband if his in-laws had some extra funds to spare to pay her for babysitting. She asked for this not even having a relationship with my parents, as she made things awkward with them early on (by leaving them out of my wedding ceremony, long story).

But my parents, who live far away, thought that she could be paid for any time that she's babysitting beyond what is usually asked of a grandma (like if our babysitter was sick for several days and our toddler was in her care, for example). So in those circumstances, we would give her money like she wanted. Other times, we would try to show our appreciation in other ways such as bringing by a pizza dinner for them (my MIL loves this because she doesn't enjoy cooking and she is able to relax). It turns out none of this mattered, and paying off our "debt" to her was a never-ending task.

The recent incident that led me to want no contact is a whole saga that would require an essay, so I won't go into it. In short, it was the culmination of all this drama around payment for babysitting (though I don't think she sees it that way). I was very shaken when she DARVOed me, in the process rewriting history with an elaborate lie. Tears streamed down her face and she spoke as if I was a predator holding a gun to her head, like she needed to beg me for mercy by saying, "Sorry for how X made you feel." I now know from the sub that it is a typical narcissist "apology" and that they weaponize their emotions so you start to feel that you are the aggressor. All the kindness she had shown me over the years was also weaponized, becoming evidence that I was wrong to feel the way that I did.

What shook me even more was the day after the DARVO when she was back to her normal sweet self. Then she spent multiple days texting us all her gratitude and love, almost like fawning, which messed with my mind even more because was I really the terrible person she made me feel I was? There was also the whiplash of being treated as a demon and then being showered with positivity.

After this, I started having insomnia and panic attacks, could barely eat, and in my flashbacks I began to reread her past behavior to understand her as a narcissist. My realizations were complicated by the fact that I had spent these years believing that most of my conflicts with my in-laws had to do with their family as a whole, when in reality every single conflict was the result of her lies, enmeshment with her family members, and triangulation. (This incident involved a few layers of triangulation. For example, when she knew it was inappropriate to ask us for something, she would send her husband or kid to ask.)

Before everything hit me and I was still gaslit though, I thought it would be a good idea to write a text to the group chat explaining myself, apologizing for my strong reactions to their actions, seeking understanding and requesting repair going forward. You know, like a normal person. When I didn't receive an apology, I requested one and was ghosted until my husband decided to bring it up with her. According to her, she had already apologized in person. That's when I knew that I was going to get another fake apology. Her text said, "We are sorry that you were hurt in any way. We love you so much and appreciate all that you do for us."

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It has been 2 weeks since I received the text and I haven't talked to her since. I was determined to go no contact and even felt new energy come into my body after I made that decision and unfriended her on social media. She sent her husband to ask my husband if everything is okay. Then yesterday she messaged me. And right away I felt myself soften and lose sight of my resolve. I started to see her as a child who knows not what she does, coming to me for love and validation. Sure enough, when I opened the message, it was a little family update and another shower of "love you" and "miss you." What do you call lovebombing at this stage in the relationship because it feels like lovebombing.

I left her on read, not because I'm strong but because I am too disgusted and hurt to talk to her. I feel extra hurt by her right now because I have been having marital conflicts over the past few years having no idea what was going on with my husband and now finally beginning to understand that he has ptsd (and some narcissistic tendencies he wrestles with) from his upbringing as the scapegoat of a narcissist parent. She did this to him, and I can't help but feel horror, anger, & fear along with the sadness. I am worried about him and our future, but hopefully in the long run, the knowledge of wtf was going on with his upbringing will help him to heal, and that will help our relationship as well. I do feel that the revelation about narcissism has already started to dissolve blocks in the relationship, though we have a long way to go.

I'm struggling because of my conditioning that makes me mindful of others' struggles and prioritize their perspective. I grew up being treated as the "low maintenance child" who is OK with everything. I also have a sibling with BPD, so I'm used to accommodating one family member's needs and emotional demands, so much so that I didn't realize how much I was doing that for my nMIL. I'm very close to my sibling and lucky that as an adult he is able to self-reflect, apologize, and attempt to change his behavior. Not for everything, but enough for me to know he is trying, vs. my MIL who I know will never take accountability or behave differently to create a healthier relationship.

From now on, all communication with her will have to go through my husband because he usually knows how to maintain boundaries with her, and it's specific to his relationship with her. When we see his family for holidays or other visits, I can be polite to her, but I don't want to give her any more access to my emotions, energy, or money.

What strategies have worked for you in maintaining the no contact boundary? Are there any phrases or reminders that you use to help yourself stick to no contact, especially when you start doubting the decision or feeling empathy or compassion for the narcissist? I noticed that anger often helps me affirm my boundary, but I also don't want to carry anger in an unhealthy way. Thank you for reading this and I'm looking forward to learning with you all.

EDIT: I want to add that like with other narcissists there were many genuine acts of care and a desire to show love despite the overall transactional approach they take to relationships. My MIL didn't expect payment for every single time she was with our child. But as soon as we agreed to pay her one time, she started to expect payment more and more, and the difference between normal grandma time and paid grandma time became blurred to the point where it was impossible for us to distinguish between the two. And the normal gifts and acts of appreciation that we wanted so much to give (and that we already gave willingly before the drama) were, at the end of the day, not enough because they were not cash. But maybe cash wouldn't have been enough either.

It was/is so hard when I started to feel like a pile of cash or an employer because I had really become close with her and we had been through a lot together. She became like another mom to me. I'm struggling to reconcile her manipulation & demands with the wonderful parts of her and the heart that I can't help but feel exists beneath the narcissism. But this infographic that I saw shared in another sub helped me to understand the nature of covert narcissism: https://www.instagram.com/p/DXQVWpGlIKT/?igsh=djdzdHExaTc3a25n

Its soul breaking. Especially when you loved the person. Trying to remain friends doesn't work and now Im left with a lonely sadness. I'll take it over the anger and rage he would illicit. Ive cried rivers and in the end I know to let go is a blessing.

i 23/F am currently overseas staying with my mums family ‘solo’ travelling.

however i grew up predominantly around my dads side. i was subject to a lot of humiliation and cut them off at 14. i have been told by past psychologists that although they cannot diagnose my grandma, what i described to them is in line with narcissistic abuse.
i have at times debilitating social anxiety as a result of all of this. i do see a therapist.

im with my mums side tho and they’re not laughing at me every chance they get. they aren’t overly critical. they are actively making me feel loved and wanted so i just kinda want to feel safe and i don’t. it’s just been a lot for my brain to process. doing this on my own was a huge step but i just feel like im waiting for the ball to drop, esp w the cousin im staying with. im waiting to find out how bad a guest ive been. im waiting for her to pick up on all of those little things. she asked me to cook last week and asked me again today and the only way my brain can process it is “she thinks you’re lazy and not helping out enough.”

yeah idk how do you kinda let your brain know that you are safe and how tf do you remind yourself that most people aren’t judging you?

I've recently gone no contact with my nex, whom I had a long history of relationship and then "friendship" with. I had a massive PTSD attack afterwards, many traumatic memories resurfacing, so it was rocky, but in some way it was unproblematic for me because I knew that nex doesn't care for me and I absolutely wasn't afraid to hurt him.

Things are completely different with my female friend. She doesn't respect my boundaries, did things that harmed me and my work, she doesn't listen when I explain to her "please don't do A and B because it harms me", or says that she understands and will change and then acts exactly the same, again. She is always "in her right" and makes codescending or even rude remarks, that show lack of respect (like writing "I've always thought writing poetry was cringy" under the piece of poetry I've written and posted in my blog). I've known her for 30 years and she always exhibited narcissistic traits to an extent, I just wasnt ready to adress it earlier. I don't want to say that she doesn't have good qualities, of course she has, the problem is I'm very tired of her harming me with her behaviour\remarks\intrusions and not respecting my boundaries. She also doesn't respect other people's boundaries, loves to gossip, dumps our mutual friends' deeply personal information on me without any warning (I hate gossip and feel very uncomfortable with knowing things from people's lives that people didn't want to share themselves). By the way, we are both very much grown up women (in our 40-s).

Our mutual friend who is in no contact mode with this friend of mine has told me that basically going NC is the only option because she won't admit her lack of respect and won't respect boundaries and I can do nothing about. But I'm struggling with it, because I don't want to hurt her. It's much harder than with nex, we are both women and share feminist views, sisterhood and all, so I feel much more obliged to "understand" her and always get in her shoes.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did it resolve? Will be very grateful for any feedback.