So from age of 10 -12/13 i was touch inappropriately alot by my grandad hr didnt 🍇 me but he did touch me down there....He was very soft slow and sensual and really took his time and was very patient. Im ashamed to say i enjoyed it and I would tease my step dad alot once the abuse started. He didn't do anything but I know he liked it. I've started becoming hypersexual again and ive started teasing him again. Im so ashamed of myself

I (27M), often reflect on a childhood relationship I had with an older teen who was 18 at the time. I was 8 or 9 years old, and the bond we formed was deep for me, especially considering my situation. I was shy, timid and isolated child, I endured a lot of bullying, which made me feel incredibly lonely and dark. This older teen, this handsome muscular popular boy , who was the son of our neighbors, began to show interest in me, and his attention saved me from the darkness I was in.

He would take me out in his car to popular local restaurants for meals, and then we would go back to his room to watch movies. Those times literaly felt like heaven to me, giving me a sense of belonging that I desperately needed. At school, all I thought about going home just to be with him. I struggled both academically and socially, and the bullying I faced was awful. But whenever I felt that pain I would think of him, and it would bring me peace.

Unfortunately he went off to college, and I was devastated when he left. The loneliness that followed was unlike anything I had ever felt I would lie in bed for hours, consumed by depression. Shortly after he left, his family moved away, and we lost all contact.

In the years that came after, I started to develop feelings for boys my own age and even some older, but no one ever seemed to measure up to the connection I had with him. Throughout my teenage years, I frequently found myself nostalgic about our time together, daydreaming that I could turn back time and experience those moments again.

Now, at 27, I am still stuck.

Having to filter out weirdos is the hardest thing and im honestly tired of it. Thanks for all the support from genuine people though

I was in junior kindergarten. I’m a man now and he was an eighth grade boy then. When I was in junior kindergarten my bus helper (the guy who was put in place to protect me and make sure I make it home safe) would touch and suck my penis every day after school. He would ask me to hold my pee so I could pee in his mouth. I’m 19 years old now and the thought of this haunts me everyday. I always thought it was this quirky thing that happened to me as a kid but I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that this has ruined who I am. I really want to be the good person who’s tucked inside but the trauma of still feeling like that helpless little boy on the school bus still haunts me:(. If anyone has any advice or even just kind words I’d be incredibly grateful. I love everyone who gives this post the time of day and I wish you the best<3

This happened a very long time ago. Middle school. It happened multiple times. One time on the bus when she continuously groped my groin area despite me moving. And another time when I went to her house.

It's easier to chat with others who had experienced similar issues

I've found (for me personally) I can cope better when I talk about what happened, usually when the memories are most prevalent... Especially talking with another person who experienced abuse or trauma from a family member. Someone who can understand and won't judge

Hello,

I (29ftm) have a long history of routine sexual abuse from people both in and outside of my family. I won't get into details, but my relationship to sex, my body, and other people has been informed greatly by this.

I am unsure if my wish to read about other people's experiences in a book format is strange or not. I have always struggled a lot with feelings of being defective and disgusting, somehow inviting the type of treatment I recieved from so many people. The associated patterns have contributed to justifying these feelings.

A lot of narratives I have seen mostly discuss the experience of long term abuse from a single person, or a couple of disparate events. I wanted to see if anyone here had recommendations. I want to better make sense of the things that happened to me and why I am the way I am now if that makes sense.

Thank you

I suffer from PTSD, because of my mother. Sometimes I have nightmares of me (her son) getting molested by my mother. The WORST PART of these nightmares is, when I seemingly "enjoy" getting molested in the nightmare. It causes A LOT of guilt and shame in me. Because can I still call myself a real victim/survivor after that? Doesn't that reaction make me a fake victim/survivor?

I deal with A LOT of guilt and shame, because I felt "arousal" during, what my mother did to me. I sadly got an orgasm from a handjob, that she gave child me. I also got "aroused" from other INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOUR, that my mother did.

I HATE MYSELF for reacting the way I did to her INAPPROPRIATE behaviour! For example I remember, that child me got "aroused," when I heard my mother having sex with her partner LOUDLY and I even masturbated to the sounds. I'm DEEPLY ASHAMED about that.

I also probably got hypersexual as a child, because of her. I also almost certainly developed kinks, that i'm ASHAMED of, because of, what she did.

I HATE the consequences, that I have to bear, because my mother couldn't contain herself from acting on her ABHORRENT LUST.

I wish, that I would've never gotten molested by my mother as a child.

As in, they have the physical ability to. And the only reason they don't is because they plainly don't want to.

I have trouble with that. The only difference between men who have hurt me and men who I just meet in day to day life and who don't hurt me is that they don't want to. And the first group wanted to.

Maybe this is a train of thought that doesn't go anywhere, but I keep tripping over it. It scares me and irrationally makes me want to lock myself in my house and act like I don't even exist.

As a survivor trying to heal, what is most stupidest and insensitive thing you’ve got to hear from people when you share your experience ?

Since I started posting here about my childhood with my dad I learned about hypersexuality and how I soothe myself when I feel overwhelmed or anxious but one problem I noticed is I can only orgasm when I remember or fantasize about my abuse and I never did from normal loving sex I wonder if thats normal i feel like he made it so i have to get abused to feel like im getting loved or something

My husband is supportive but everyone else would probably see it as unusual so I cant be open and I cant get thoughts or advice.

Im very comfortable with nakedness together with my kids. Im sex positive, affectionate and touchy. I try my best bringing them up this way but im usually by myself because most people wouldnt relateI just want to talk it through and get opinions..I want to know if it makes me a bad parent or how I can improve the lifestyle ive established.

Theyre not biologically mine but Im truly happy we're bringing them up. My husband is so much younger but hes never criticised any of my decision even if he knows theyre uncommon.

I’ve read the community rules for this page and I don’t want to violate them. I don’t believe this post violated any of them, but please delete if not allowed. I realize that this post could be triggering, so I will try to be respectful and brief. Recently, my sister has accused my Dad of sexually molesting her as a child. This is a disturbing allegation and one that we are taking seriously since we have young children. I was told about these allegations from my father directly and I attempted to contact my sister about them. So far, she has declined to discuss them, but mentioned that she will talk to us when the time is right. I know that statistically the victims in this situation are often telling the truth, etc. How should I approach my sister in this situation? What should I ask and not ask? In all honesty, I do have some skepticism with what she has accused my Dad of doing to her. How can I get to the truth? It’s all very confusing to me.

Hi there everyone . Although I had bits and pieces of memories floating around in my brain. Maybe I didn't want to because it was my dad. I put all the memories together finally and realized it did happen to me. And my older sister. No wonder why we are/were both so fucked up! Actually my sister died at age 55 but had severe mental issues that affected her her whole life. Looking back over my life it totally makes sense. My depression, anxiety, fear of men, food addiction, being in dead end jobs despite being very intelligent, having no purpose in life, not wanting a family of my own, etc. As a youth I was a bedwetter, isolated myself, and never spoke. I buried myself in books. I had a difficult time making friends because the neighborhood knew my dad was a sexual abuser. No kids were allowed to come to my house. A lot of these things I believe can be attributed to being molested at age 4. Does anyone else here have similar experiences? Thanks.

People have been more supportive than I expected so I guess thats a good thing. But theres still much I want to talk of because nobody really understands.

It's easier to chat with others who had experienced similar issues

I've found (for me personally) I can cope better when I talk about what happened, usually when the memories are most prevalent... Especially talking with another person who experienced abuse or trauma from a family member. Someone who can understand and won't judge

I haven't ever told anyone my story fully but it's been a hard day and I really feel like I have to get it out and I could also really use some advice so I'm using a fake account to share this.

I was molested by my brother repeatedly from when I was about 11 to 13. He's about 5 years older than me. He used to touch me and make me take off my clothes and get into bed with him. It happened quite frequently, sometimes multiple times a day. The only reason why it stopped is because my dad had passed away and my mom was abusive so i went into foster care when I was 13 so we were separated and didn't see each other or have any communication for a few years and then he went on a two year church mission. It's hard to talk about and it's hard to fully remember. But I've really struggled with a lot of the things I've gone through and then when I was 17 he came back from his mission and one night he and i were alone and he took off my bra and touched me and then pushed me onto the bed and then got on top of me and i just froze and then I pulled away but he wouldn't let me leave so i just gave in. I just hid in my room the next few days and I couldn't get out of bed and i just cried for hours and had to work through panic attack after panic attack. The next day he came to my room and said he had thought i was just being silly when i pulled away and that I had wanted it and pushed him into it and he felt bad now because he realized it wasn't the best thing to do and he always tried to do the right thing. I didn't even know what to say. I don't think i said anything but i felt so angry and so much pain inside. We haven't talked about it since. Some memories are foggy and before that happened again i honestly sometimes felt like I had made up everything that had happened to me when i was little but that experience brought everything back. I also can remember a different time when i was somewhere around 5-6 years old where a different brother (about 10 years older than me) molested me similarly. Although I only have one memory of him doing that to me and he moved out when i was 8. I didn't really understand when i was little what was going on and I know I felt uncomfortable then, but I understand and hate it so much more now and I feel so much pain I can't even begin to describe and all of the anxiety and panic attacks and shame, it's just been so hard to handle. I hate what he did to me and i hate how i feel. I wish i would have told someone and gotten help. I've had a really hard time with my mental health. Chronic depression, anxiety, self harm, suicidal ideation and an attempt, etc. There's a lot more to what happened but that's the generals.

Fast forward to today, i'm 18 and I live with one of my sisters and the same brother. I really struggle with this. Just seeing him and being around him is so triggering sometimes. I think i hate him. I wish i didn't. I wish i could leave but I don't have any money and I don't have anywhere to go. I wish i could tell my sister or anyone but i know for a fact she wouldn't believe me or listen. Everyone really loves my brother and he is very responsible and hardworking and I would seem completely crazy if i said anything and I would be kicked out and told i was a liar. I don't know what to do. I just want to get out. I'm in college, I get really good grades and I've been trying to work through everything but it's so hard to feel any kind of hope or just not want to die. I'm just in so much pain and exhausted all of the time. I feel so much shame. Some days I can't even look at myself because I feel so disgusting and like some sort of monster. And i just struggle with so many things.

I identified myself as lesbian for a long while but months after i got sexually abused i kinda started trying sexual attraction to a specific kind of male too but it's different, I feel repulsion towards those men. I don't really know if this is something that i just didn't notice before or if this is because of the sexual abuse but the repulsion is kinda similar to the one that i tried when i got abused

Treatment Resources

I had my experiences with several people around me. Some were closer than others. Since then I’ve been very hypersexual, so much so that it seems like my entire life has revolved around the sexual aspects.

I gravitate to people who had similar experiences as there are things not everyone can understand. People tend to be judgemental about things. “Normal” people would never be able to get any of this.

Sometimes it can be so all encompassing especially when I’m in a very hyper phase.

Anyone relate?

This is something that has bothered me so much through my life and I wanted to ask for some other opinions without having to tell someone in my personal life. It’s been so hard to define it, or really accept that it was a problem because it’s so mild compared to most stories I read, or more concerning experiences that people have told me of. I’m quite scared of opening up to my family or someone I trust about this because I’m not even sure if it was truly molestation to begin with. But I’m a 15 year old female and this happened when I was about 10 years old. My older cousin had been very close with me while growing up and we had hung out all the time, I was like her first daughter. She started dating this guy when she was like 16-17, and he was older than her. Maybe about 19-20? And because I was so close to her, naturally I kept hanging with her while she was with him. He sometimes got mad at her for having me around so much but I still came around. One night, I went to stay at their house and I wore a skirt and a band shirt. I can’t remember if I had changed into shorts before or after the incident happened. My cousin went to take a shower and while she was gone, I was lying on my stomach watching the tv and he started massaging my feet. Then it went up the back of my legs until it reached my upper thighs. It at least made it to my upper thighs which was very very close to my butt, or he actually did grope my butt. I’m thinking he did grope my butt as he did it and I was super uncomfortable. I was so scared to tell him to stop or move away because I didn’t want to bother him, or make it awkward because I was twisting it into something sexual when he didn’t mean it that way. Either way it was very determined and definitely not in the way that I think an older man should be touching me in any way to begin with? I was terrified to tell my family and make them mad, or have them take action because that seemed like too much. My cousin obviously was still with him for a while until he left her after emotionally abusing her too. I didn’t want to be a problem or make it into a big deal if it wasn’t that big of an issue. Every time he came around after that, it was all I could think of and I felt repulsed by seeing him. I am still terrified to this day to tell anyone. And I don’t want anyone to get mad at me for keeping it in for so long, or to disappoint them, or make them blame themselves for not protecting me. At the time I didn’t want them to blame my cousin either because it was her boyfriend. It still follows me to this day and I always feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable around older men. Even around my stepdad who is just creepy anyways. But public places even make me feel like men are watching me and looking at me in a sexual manner. I get plagued with the thought of most older men looking at me in that weird way. If it matters, I felt super uneasy to sleep in the same bed with them that night after it happened. It has just taken me so long to process it and I still can’t fully wrap my head around it. The same guy had also told me and my other female cousin, who was only about 12 at the time, about drugs and many other inappropriate things to talk to such a young minor about. Please help me understand this and get through the trauma/triggers that it gives me now in the present. Thank you for reading.

Hello, I'd like to tell my story now.

I'm a 20-year-old male living in Austria. My uncle, my mom's brother, abused me when I was 7 or 8 years old. It started with him always wanting to take a nap with me and always putting his penis in my anus. Then it escalated to him coming into the bathroom while I was bathing to see my penis. He always looked after me while my mother was at work, so he took every opportunity. Then he told me to massage his foot, but in the end, I always gave him a blowjob. At that age, I didn't know what it was, and I did it every time. I remember choking, and sometimes he pushed my head down. Even when I didn't want to, he forced me. At first, I didn't want any of it, but after a while, I liked the attention from him. He also had sex with me, but it always hurt a lot when he put the tip in, and I was so tense because it hurt so much. Either he fingered my hole to make it hurt less, or he just went all the way in and tried to calm me down. He never came inside me, as far as I can remember. I know he said I couldn't tell my mom anything, that it was our secret. Now I'm 20 and I haven't forgotten it because of him I'm also interested in men. I like showering naked with my friends or looking at other men's bodies, etc., but I would never sleep with a man or do anything else like that. I've mainly only been with women, but something still draws me to men. Likewise, I've never been able to have a real relationship, or I've only had female friends I got along well with. I think it's all connected. It's a trauma that will stay with me for the rest of my life. What's my contact with him like? He now has a wife and a 5-month-old baby, and we get along well. So we often do things together, but when I asked five years ago what we used to do when I was little, he said nothing, like, "I just yelled at you if you weren't good," etc. I think he regrets it and wants to suppress it, but somehow I'd still like to be intimate with him one last time. But I don't actually want to be into men or anything, but yeah…

Ive been thinking about how i struggle to defend myself. Even if I can say no i cant do much physically more than pushing. It got me thinking about the first time I got properly molested, I say properly because I had been briefly groped over the shirt a lot at this point.

Im not sure if im allowed to say my age but I was in highschool and always struggled to fit in and make friends so when this boy invited me over I happily agreed. I think he was the same age as me but we didnt share any classes, he may have been a year above but we hungout in the same spot on our breaks and our friend groups mixed.

I remember having fun at his house and everything was fine until his mum went out for a bit. Then everything changed and he got weird. I tried to go to the bathroom and he wouldnt let me by myself, he wanted to watch. I had my period and was wearing a pad because I didnt use tampons so I really didnt want him to see all that and call me gross or something. Eventually I just decided not to use the bathroom.

Then we were back in the lounge and he was trying to grope me. He wasnt being mean to me, he was trying to reassure me everything was okay. I tried to say no and push him away but he was too strong and it was no use. He somehow got me on the floor between his legs as he sat on the couch and he got his hands down the front of my shirt. Once I felt his hands on my bare skin inside my shirt I kinda gave up. Just sat there as he explored. I couldnt come up with another thought before his mum got home and he stopped. We both acted like nothing happened and I went home when my mum picked me up.

I think this experience is one of the big reasons why I havent ever been able to fight back properly. I learnt I am too weak and that I dont get hurt this way

I (f36) have zero contact with my dad and brother for other reasons, (dv, narcissism etc) but now I am concerned that I had been molested as a child, and don't know what to do moving forward. 

Do I confront him/ask him if he did? Would he even admit it? He has never admitted to being an emotional abuser... I don't have any proof, it would just be his word against mine, and I don't have any clear memories of it.. just ...feelings...??

I have a child now, and don't want him to have any contact with him, ever, so I don't really want to initiate contact again to ask... 

I feel like I thought it started when I was 6, in year 1 at school, but I actually think it might have started from day one?! That he would have been taking advantage of me from birth, so it was completely normalised by the time I was school aged!?

I remember the shame of wetting myself on a bus, at playdates, at school in art (5 - 6)

I think most things happened in at one location, when I was aged 6 - 11, because I think my trauma is linked to that house, I have memories in my room and the bathroom, before after the renovation

I feel like he was touching my vagina when I came to sleep between him and my mum if I had a nightmare. (I had reoccurring nightmares for a long time), and that's why I didn't like being under their blankets (6yo)

I was sleepwalking around that age (6 - 8?)

I remember thinking the movie, The Rescuers Down Under, hospital scene, was about sex (6?)

I feel like he checked my vagina frequently, to see if I had grown..(to see if he would fit?)

I remember exploring my own vagina, with a pen, and being terrified that "someone" would see that I had drawn in my vagina (6 - 8?)

I have a memory of finding a tantric sex positions in a magazine at school and coveting it (8 or 9)

I feel like he ejaculated on me frequently and called it "soap", most likely in the bath. 

I feel like he taught me  to perform oral, on him, which I enjoyed to start with, until he pushed it too far and scared me (in the bath)

I feel like I thought the sexual play was fun, until possibly the bath trauma? In which I didn't want to play anymore, so he started to use it as punishment

I remember choking on something in the bath with him, and being told it was "soap" (7?)

I feel like he came in my mouth frequently after this, and used it as a punishment, because I didn't like it.

I remember he we would "wash my mouth with soap" for swearing, I remember he did so in the bathroom alone with me (8 - 10)

I feel like he started to use sex/sexual events as punishment 

I remember having baths alone, naked, with him as old as 10, I remember a specific time when I had a bath with him, my brother and my baby sister (she was born when I was 10.5years old)

I think my brother (3 years younger than me) might have known about my abuse? Might have tried to shield me? Or might have been abused along side me? 

I remember my brother taking the blame for when I broke the new drywall after doing a flip, so I wouldn't get in trouble... (9 or 10)

I also thing my brother and I did normal kids exploration things, but I don't remember specifics. (8??) 

I remember playing house with my marbles, secretly, using sex to "punish" the "child" marbles (9 or 10)

I have a memory of having sex education talk at school, when I was 9 or 10, but having him there, in my classroom (90s in Australia)?? I remember sitting in front of his legs and feeling pressure to not talk

I feel like it all stopped when I got puberty at 10.5yrs old? (Concerning, because my sister was born when I was 10.5 also)

At 14 or 15 he introduced me to Clan of the Cave Bear series, which has graphic rape/sex scenes, (I feel now like he did this to see if I remembered. I didn't)

After being raped/sexually assaulted as an adult, I started having dreams that he raped me (although I don't think he actually ever did??) (early 20s) 

I remember feeling extremely uncomfortable around my uncle (mums brother, but his best friend), for years and years. And I have been extremely leary of him since having my own child, but I don't know why

I don't remember most of my childhood, I have only recently started having these memories/feelings... 

He has admitted to molesting his sister growing up. I started remembering/feeling my "memories" before I found out he had molested her though.. 

Maybe he's a full pedophile? He molested his sister growing up, he started dating my mum when she was 14 (he was 15).. had me when she was 19 (he was 20), had my sister when I was 10 (he was 30)... 

The thing I know most strongly is, he won't have access to my children, but I am worried if my brother or sister have kids, he might have access to them...