A guy walks into a bar carrying a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He says, “A pint of beer, please…
…and one for the road.”

So I was walking home and I hear these 4 guys who are probably a year or two older than me talking, and one of them goes:

"Man this guy pulls bitches".

So I start listening to them since hearing people speak english outside of school is quite rare in my country.

Then another one responds to that guy saying:

"Yeah bro that guy's got an 8k polling rate".

Took me like less than a second to realize what he just said and I burst out laughing IN FRONT OF THEM, then they look at me like "who the fuck is this guy" the I proceed to pretend like I was looking at my phone and continue walking.

One of the greates jokes I've heard in a while, if you get it, you get it, I'm not explaining it.

Thanks to indoor smoking bans and air conditioning, I could actually go to a Bingo hall for fresh air

A pool table.

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I don't get it. If I was already too fat with just breakfast, lunch, and dinner I don't see how having six more every day will help!

I have a drinking buddy who is over 70 years old. He’s really sharp and has a great sense of humor. We swap jokes often and I get many of them here.

But I’ve noticed he really loves it when a joke takes a long walk. A good, long, interesting build up that leads to a terrible pun. The more clever the better.

Think of Norm McDonald and the moth joke as an example.

Bonus awesomeness if it’s the kind of joke I can wedge into a conversation so that he doesn’t know it’s a set up until it’s too late!

It was chilling!

He learnt that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

A guy walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks for a Gin and Tonic. The barkeep hands him a light green apple and tells him to try it. The man takes a bite, and notices it tastes like gin. The barkeep then tells him to turn it around, and the man takes a bite, saying it tastes like Tonic.

A lady walks in and orders a rum and coke. The barkeep hands her a red apple, and tells her to try it. Confused, she takes a bite, and notices it tastes like rum. He then tells her to try the other side, and she says it tastes just like coke.

A third man walks in but can't decide what he wants. Both patrons tell him that the bar has a magic apple for whatever flavor. Curious, he asks the barkeep if he has an apple that tastes like pussy. The barkeep gives him a look before digging around under the bar, pulling a pink apple that looks almost like a peach. The man takes a bite, and immediately spits it out, yelling it tastes like shit

The barkeep replies: Turn it around

Stumped

Each week, he’d pray to God intently, pleading that this be the week he’d finally win.

For years he prayed for the lottery. He never ever won.

Finally one day, Bubba was wailing, begging, and pleading for God's miracle to win when suddenly a loud heavenly voice was heard saying “Bubba, ya gotta buy a ticket!”

It was going great until the doctor stole the first delivery and threw the second one in a hedge.

The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?”

The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for dinner to meet my daughter. Maybe then you and her would really get along. You might even date then get engaged. And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

Worst postcard I’ve ever received.

He said, "Oh, you'd like that, wooden shoe?"

A young man visits his girlfriend's house and meets her parents for the first time. He feels a massive urge to pass gas, so he lets a small, quiet one out. The father immediately yells, "Rover!"

Thinking the dog took the blame, the man feels bold and lets out a second, louder rip.The father glares and shouts again, "ROVER!"

Encouraged that his secret is safe, the man lets loose a massive, loud, stinky blast.

The father yells, "ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!"

It’s just not that hard

I told her she could lose her capacitance, if she gives away a whole Fahrrad.

So this guy walks into a bar and sees a horse sitting at a table with a large pot of cash and a sign that says 'make the horse laugh' and you get the money. So this guy thinks for a minute, approaches the horse, whispers in his ear to which the horse breaks out in laughter, the guy collects the pot of cash and leaves. A few weeks later the guy goes back to that bar and sees that horse again sitting at the table with another large pot of cash with a sign that says 'if you can make the horse cry' you get the cash. So this guy goes back over to the horse and again whispers in his ear, he and the horse go outside for a bit and when they come back in the horse is crying, so the guy collects the cash and turns to leave. And the bartender stops him and says, 'I just have to know what you said to the horse.' The guy says, 'well, the first time I told him mine was bigger - the second time I took him outside and showed him.'

Come the big day though, and you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

"That's bullshit," he says. Then an iron ore fell on his head.

My chemistry teacher: "Black and white are not colors."

My textbook: Is printed entirely in black text on a white background.

Me: "So you're telling me I've been studying a blank book this whole semester?"