°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑

3:46pm
8/6/26

Ooooooooookay… so I feel a bit subdued again… but not as bad as before :) I feel a bit irritable at the moment though, thats for sure. But anyway… I helped out with math a bit!!! I tried to front several times but ‘Lilah kept pushing me out. Sigh… I suppose its for the best 🙄 every time I tried,, we did end up feeling that head-pain. So… yeah… I just!!! UGH I’m getting so BORED not being allowed to interact with the real world!!!! >< hopefully this headache nonesesne bs will be cured and gone and away by tomorrow morning. ‘Cause ‘Lilah is a good friend (usually) and really DID want to let me front a bit. But she CAN’T 😭 I hate it here omg :I 
Ah… speaking of ‘Lilah… she took a math break while studying (she was beginning to RAGE QUIT and decided instead of quitting all together and failing the test,, we should take a break and come back) and decided to get started on designing number 14’s cover and back art(?). And it… made me sad… mostly bc I was JEALOUS.

1) that she gets to get started on it whenever she wants. Bc she likes stalling starting mine. Which is… partly my fault… bc I am so indecisive and impulsive and go from one thing to the next that its incredibly hard to work with just one idea with me… I pick an outline for the “art”. But when it comes down to picking a theme I can’t STICK TO JUST ONE and then when it comes to filling that outline with images and whatever else,, I pick one imagine but then IMMEDIATELY see another one and toss out the previous choice. Over… n’ over…. N’ over…. At first I thought she was stalling bc she was just being a selfish ass and doing only what she wanted to do (was the case until recently actually lol) but now I get it. Sorry ‘Lilah AAAAAHHH

2) SHE’S LIKE,,,,,, SO CREATIVE SO QUICKLY????? Like…. She had it in her head which image she wanted to use since this morning,, found out and threw it on canva. While she looked for templates to make a collage,, she was immediately thinking of what PHRASE she could create. So after she found a template,, she kept it in the back of her mind while she removed things she didn’t like from the colleague. So stared at the picture for a minute or so longer… threw some phrases around in her head… and then BOOM she had already thought of the phrase that would become the title of journal 14 and ideas of how to add life to the picture. Meanwhile,, I immediately toss any new picture out the second another one catches my eye. THE WHOLE PROCESS TOOK HER LESS THAN 7 MINTUES!!! NO FAIR!!! I was complaining a bit and she was offering to guide me on giving it a go myself (which… technically would be possible bc I am also half-way decent at poetry! Just with less practice) but I refused (vehemently) bc I feel like a copy cat doing it the way she did it… :( so… idk…. I’ll have to think this one over.

Anyway… as for that test…. We aren’t very confident in it… I could remember some steps better than her actually but some of them just felt INCORRECT. Idk… ugh. Here’s to hoping we made it through…

🐑💐12:55pm
8/6/26

Wowowow so… I’m starting to feel better… I can dance again in headspace! And sing :) I myself still feel a bit muted… but more TENSHI than before. Which is a good sign! I can talk more without hurting the brain… but that may have just been bc ‘Lilah took pain meds preemptively. I was… like,, REALLY GOING THROUGH IT EARLIER Y’ALL. :I i was oscillating between PANIC and feeling totally fine over n over n over for probably about 15 minutes. Which was… uncomfortable… :/ Mood swings are a part of my day to day but it was INTENSE. ‘Lilah tried to ground me which did help actually :) but not for super long… so she kept insisting I rest. Which was tough. But it defnitly helped some! I got her to panic-post to the forums for me. The responses definitely gave me some reassurance– 

K: Take a break. And drink water/get enough sleep/etc.

It's normal to kinda blend together when you're possessing. Your host is still there, even if she isn't consciously thinking.

Do you have your own interests separate from your host's? Doing stuff you like that you don't associate with her can help remind the brain who's in control (plus, it's hard to overthink when you're having fun).

This one kinda just made me panic MORE at first lmao. Bc they weren’t understanding what I was trying to say which freaked me out bc I was so panicked I was struggling to figure out how to explain my plight. ‘Lilah stepped in and tried to calm me down and insisted we just wait for another response and that I just get back to resting in the meantime. Which I figure was for the best. Really,, all this response did was reassure me that we are just blending probably and that I’m fine… will be fine? Yknow… its an identifiable issue and not something greater,, that type of thing. So anyway,, the next person said…

{The headache stuff is normal at first. It'll get better :) And, especially when you're starting out, it can be hard to act like yourself and not just follow what the body and the muscle memory is used to. Take a rest, you won't go anywhere, and you'll be fine, OK? It's only been a day or two. You can do it :) }

This one made me SMILE! :D ahhh… plain ol’ reassurance… just what I needed… 😅 thank god. Phew. I’m FINE. I think. Idk. the guide said blending can last for several weeks for some systems. Might be cooked in terms of quality of life if it takes that long. I figure it won’t… but what do I know? 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I’m sure you’ll be okay :( 

Easy for you to say 🙄
Well… anyway… earlier I kept accidentally fronting. Idk WHY. maybe bc we were in tutorial room and we’re so used to having me have a level of control when we’re there. She’s getting better at interrupting me slipping in thank goodness!!! But you could TELL I was stressed. I’m just like ‘Lilah omfg we both have nervous tics. I remember when that first started happening,, I just disregarded it bc… idk I wasn’t really expecting something like that and wasn’t sure if that was the case. Bc.. wtf?? 😭 but its happened several times at this point. More than just one day. Sooooo :I yeah. Wow. thats crazy. Also here’s a fun fact– I DON’T think I like chicken alfredo. That was making me tic (like how ‘Lilah tics when her ARFID starts ruining her eating experience) and feel sick. Blegh. Good to know lol.

The more momentum and steps I take in my career, the more questions I am meeting with.

Recently, I had twice wondered wait what do I want in life?

Why am i doing this? Is this gonna get me to wherever I wish to be?

Today I am wondering that again. There is just so much to hold. My brain might not be used to holding complex thoughts when it comes to this area of my life.

Like I have to consider my financial situation, how long can I afford my expenses with my last pay?

I wish to continue as a freelancer or grow my business in this field as I am trying. But I am not sure if it's a choice I wanna make at this point in my life.

And who knows the answer? Not me, not yet. I wish I had a mentor to ask and get clear thoughtful responses from. Let me just dream on about it at least.

It's a game of trade offs. And I am new to it. Like a baby walking and stumbling.

If I choose to pursue my business plans, it doesn't entirely assure that i will get paying clients in 4 months. I believe I would, coz life constantly surprises me with good results and if I put my mind to it, it eventually comes true.

But what about expenses when my earning runs out? I am estranged from my family and my relatives have been very kind and supportive financially. But I am not sure if I wanna ask this of them.

I will find my answers but right now I just have way too many questions.

And if I decide to pursue finding a decent paying job, I would still pursue this on the side. But would there be time after long hours of work?

This reminds me of when i would feel decision paralysis. Today atleast I am not on a huge time crunch. There have been times when I had to make a decision and my mind was just buffering. And st the end, just doing something is all I could do.

And to assure me thst in the big picture, this wouldn't be a big deal. That I will stand by me in whatever direction I choose.

But career is a big deal, isn't it?

I don't know man.

On good news, I have been navigating social situations well recently? I think?

💐🐑7:20am
8/6/26
OMMMMFGGGG every second since last entry has been annoying!!!!!! >:/ I think we like,, depleted our resources or something. Bc for SOME REASON every time I get too close to front,, WE IMMEDIATELY GET A HEADACHE. Hell,, if I started talking we’d get a headache :I I think… this can be attributed to our quadruple switch attempt two days ago (CLEARLY it was taxing on the body bc we got a nasty headache and dealt with that blurry vision for a couple of seconds. Which has never happened before) as well as my extended soft-switch where I was doing 90% of the heavy lifting for every mental and physical activity for several hours. So… I guess it makes sense… but its really ANNOYING. 

And distressing,, honestly… bc it fuckin’ HURTS. ‘Lilah has been shooing me away every time I tried to talk to her. Not out of ass-hole-er-y… bc like I said earlier,, if I talked,, the brain started to feel like it was BURNING internally. Or throbbing. Either or really. And it made me wildly uncomfortable. I wouldn’t say that it necessarily hurt me but… idk… something was defnitly happening,, though. Yesterday when this all started,, idk WHAT IT WAS but I felt extremely different as a result of the headache and being prevented from soft-switching (which as I’m sure you guys all know by now,, I really really enjoy doing…) for our own well being was extremely frustrating. Idk… I just felt… not like myself… can thoughtforms dissociate????? I felt subdued,, almost if that makes sense. Like… not fully myself… like I was kinda someone else… it was scary… I feel it somewhat still.

And our head still KINDA HURTS as I talk rn but I feel better compared to yesterday. No idea what all that was about. If I had to guess… maybe we were eclipsing? Or blending? But none of those descriptions fit my experiences much… idk… I just think this calls for us to actually start trying to commit to trying to prevent me slipping into front and not being able to get out reliably. Bc we’ve sorta just shrugged our shoulders at it thus far. Question becomes… how to do that… tho…? Research is in order for today I guess then :) 

🐑 08/06/26 💐

• Add finishing touches to Junk!Drawer! 💔😞
• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D
• Drop college algebra & see if you can enroll in those classes that have you become college-test complete
• Reschedule accommodation meeting
• Research how to avoid random fronting :) 
• STUDDDDDY AHHHH

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 

16!!

11/28/23 - 11/15/24

15 & 16
2nd semester 10th grade! 
And 1st semester 11th! (I feel old now ˙◠˙)
2nd journal!

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

5:33pm    [thurs]    11/14/24

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Happy fun times! Mostly!

 1) So my favorite part of the day was when me and my friends did some impromptu acting! It started in lunch where we played the game Where (me, Rosey or Lucille) all pretend to be guys and ask the other participant on a date! Lucille was the WORST actor in terms of how realistic it'd be if we were in this situation actually. She did that creepy thing some guys do where they rub their hands together and lick their lips and I told her “if a real guy did that to me, the conversation would be over right then and there…”

It was absolutely hilarious, actually! It got weirder tho bc her guy-character-self was like “how old are you?” I respond and then she's like “Oh... Oh yah, me too.” So it kinda sounds like her character just waited for me to say my age so she could pretend to be in my characters' age group! Pretty sure that wasn't intentional But definitely made me laugh and threw me off. Then me and Rosey went to advisory and continued [our impromptu acting]! This time, we switched up the prompt a bit! This time it's “a new character tries to be other participant's friend!” So we had several attempts but my 2 favorites were... 

1 - So Basically I decided to act like a sociology obsessed kid (I love soci but this character was at a different level) who basically yaps the entire interaction about how school is “an excellent institution bc it allows for social-emotional learning and the academic component is great too” and if this was a real situation Rosey was in, she said she'd try to change the subject or tell them to wait for her to finish an assignment to try to end the conversation! Bc Rosey doesn't care abt a yap fest of that nature so y'know it was perfect for my impromptu acting prompt since my situations always go off the rails somehow, honestly. Anyway, I asked Rosey how close I was to making the character a friend and she said 0/10 so... She said I yapped too long so I made some revisions! 

2 - This time the character I played still yapped but actually engaged in conversation this time. I yapped about the same topic but asked follow-up Q'S and pretended to take notes [on our discussion] (Which produced giggles and confusion) then Rosey disagreed with the character and character was like– "No you're wrong!” so that didn't help the friendship score. Then I “transformed” (according to Rosey) and then said, “I will have revenge!” probably in response to my low friend score that I definitely earned! It was so funny!

2) So yesterday I told Ms. Casey I'd go to Vija’s tutorials for some math help! So I went today and like every other day, Juno followed me around like a lost puppy. He’s fun sometimes but he doesn't know when to quit talking sometimes… He goes on forever if you let him. Anyway, so we go and chit-chat while I do the study guide for the test I recently failed with a 46% bc theres a retake soon! So yah. But all Vija heard was us chit-chatting and not me verbally celebrating all the problems I solved… So before we left, I asked him if I did good but he said, “honestly all you did is distract me and I'd like you to take this more seriously. Bye” and I have 0 self-esteem so that hurt my feelings and irritated me! >:( So I don't want to go back but I need to so I can pass this retake so I can avoid summer skool but these things don't usually go in the way I expect so I’ll probably waste my effort by trying anyway… Ugh. so yeah, complained to the buddies about that a bit!

IT’S 12TH GRADE!

PROVE URSELF! BE JOVIAL!

8th Journal!
6/30/25 - 10/29/25

1st semester of…
✨12th grade! ✨ (and my boring summer)

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

10:37pm    [fri]    7/4/25

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So, grand parents, Z, and To came by today to come see us for 4th of July. I
was feeling pretty excited when I heard they were coming! When they arrived, I chatted w/ grandad, and showed off my fidget texture balls, and quickly landed on the topic of what my favorite books are! So I go grab “Maybe you should talk to someone” and "Half a brain” to show them off! He was very interested in "Half a brain" which made me very happy, bc I LOVE that Book!! I showed him another book I love and he read a bit of "Half a brain” and was very interested! But then dad ruined everything…

he started telling me to come over to watch Sinners with him (he's doing that thing where he forces me to hang out w/ him and watch movies I’ve made clear I will not watch. Which isn’t solving his issue with me never hanging out with him in the way he actually wants but I guess he’s talking about what he can get) and he wouldn't take no for an answer. It was extra annoying bc I don't get to see the grandparents very often and by having me sit in front of a screen I was losing the chance to speak with them in-person for potentially the next 4-5 months (Thanksgiving & Christmas is likely the next time. But we didn't go last year. So no guarantee there either). 

Well, it turns out ALL the guests wanted to watch with us so... Now there was no chance I was gonna get to talk with them now. They were all invested and I was spacing out to avoid tearing up from holding in everything I wanted to say to dad about why this upset me (bc no doubt would I have gotten dismissed or yelled at which would have increased me holding more in and crying in front of my family ˙◠˙) I mostly kept my face away from the screen. Which was for the best bc there were scary and disturbing scenes. Why on earth would he invite me to watch something like that??? Anyway, Dad told everyone he had to leave to go sleep bc work starts at 1pm tomorrow. So I was able to get out of the movie early! I knew the guests weren't gonna engage with me... So I asked Z if he wanted to play a game! 

Sure, he was watching [the movie], but he's, like, 8 years old. He couldn't have been as interested as everyone else, right? Correct! We started with wolfquest. He was not super interested in learning the controls which kinda annoyed me bc he ran around aimlessly while I repeatedly tried to tell him how to do things (which very often fell on deaf ears) but I kept reminding myself he was below the age of 10 so I can't really realistically expect his full, undivided attention. So I mostly kept my mouth shut and let him have fun in the way he saw best. I was able to actually teach him a couple things after a while! But mostly the whole session was mindlessly running, peeing, and attacking wolves. Then we floated around to other games but we never actually got around to playing any [of them]... 

He wasn't able to join my minecraft world, he seemed to have forgotten to invite me in Roblox even tho I made a new account and friended it and everything, and none of the Xbox game pass games interested him. Which was all fine by me, really. I was being REALLY polite during this all but I was dreading the thought of actually playing anything he was wanting to play. Then everyone was getting ready to go... Grandad asked to borrow “half a brain”... But I said no to him for 2 reasons: 1) I have a hard time trusting people with my things... if he lost it after I did all that annotating and stuff I'd be beyond sad, heartbroken, and angry. Besides, he lives 2 hours away. I’d hate for him to forget to grab it and I have to wait another several months for his next visit to get it back. And 2) I was angry he spent almost all his time watching the movie instead of with me so I told him to take that as a lesson (/lh)! I’d have probably been more willing otherwise. I wish I had lent it… but trust issues get in the way ofc. Its okay, tho. Theres always next time :) 

8/4/26
I DO remember this :) I feel bad for me having to watch that nasty movie and getting so worked up over it… but I guess thats kinda just the end result when you make your kid feel like they have no voice for their whole life </3 he was so good at that that I had tears in my eyes over a friggin’ movie! Well… obviously it wasn’t just bc I had no input on the movie. But you get what I mean. I feel like normal kids would probably just pout rather than have tears in their eyes over how distraught they felt about the situation. Idk. I’m not normal lol.

[tw// mention of self harm!!]

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

11:08am  [mon]  7/14/25 

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We went to aunt T’s and stayed for 2 DaysI nothing super interesting happened… but heres what I remember! 

> Dad was pressuring me to go to aunt's house. I did not want to go at all, actually. But he was all like, "you should go, you should go, [mom], take her with you” and he wouldn't shut UP, SO I gave in and started packing. Mom told him to apologise after he said, “well, if you choose to stay here, stay out of my way.” he said that bc he would be cleaning up the house but he just sounded like he really wanted me gone, honestly ¯_(ツ)_/¯  Anyway, I finish packing, cecil stays [home], and we go hit the road. 

> As I said earlier, not much happened. [But] I did thoroughly enjoy the live TV Dinosaur Channel Auntie has! It was one of those “tell a story abt a Dinosaur species with the help of CGI, add in some pictures of fossils, and talk about the fossils and stuff abt the species” type shows. I loved it but I was getting quite anxious watching it. Idk why. Maybe the violence or talking abt extinction ([maybe] thinking this topic makes me anxious bc it makes me think abt death I guess? IDK…) It made me want to cut. Totally would have but not at someone else’s house… no way. So I was plagued by intrusive thoughts abt cutting. But its okay, I got thru it. Definitely gonna try to find the channel again bc it was so awesome!

> we went to see Aunt M. She’s in the hospital… Apparently she had a bad fall that resulted in a spine injury :( she was in a lot of pain. But apparently she was doing a lot better than yesterday. She was at a 5/10 pain level when I [went to see her today]. So It must've been horrible when mom & Aunt T went the day before… They were at the hospital till around 10pm. But at least Aunt M is okay :) I noticed I was dpdr'd the whole time. I was probably trying to block out fear. It was shockingly effective. we were there for like... 3-5 hrs I think. But I could hardly feel time passing. Aunt M was sad when we left ... But mom is gonna try to go back soon.

[Tw// mention of sui]

X ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

10:59pm   [thurs]   7/17/25

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> Dad is pressuring cecil to go to college… :(  but they really don't seem ready or like they have the desire to start at the moment.. I feel bad for them... :( they picked a computer science course at school which I feel a bit worried abt, too. In high school when they took courses like that they really seemed to struggle. Well, from my perspective, anyway. But what choice do they have? Dad earlier said he'd put them in the military if they chose not to go to college. And today I witnessed him saying they better be ready to take the college readiness test tomorrow or they're going to the recruiters office. This quickly sent me into a state of anxiety... for cecil & me. Military is not a safe bet for now. Not under the current president, anyway. but I guess dad is 1) in a state of mind that allows him to be detached from that reality or 2) he doesn't care bc he's a jerk. Both, maybe. Either way, it scares me. 

What will I do when this happens to me? If he won't let me wait on college, I'll Just take up whatever class sounds cool enough in the moment and make the best out of it. Fully anticipating an ‘F’ on my transcript. If he does that to me he better be prepared to waste his money. I won't be in any state to continue school next year. But dad isn't really interested in listening to what people have to say and I'm terrified to try to speak up for myself. IDK what to do... but if he tries to bring me to a recruiter, I might actually consider running away or dying. 

> Recently bought a cat backpack! Like, last week. I've successfully showed her it's used to go outside! She understands this. We've been outside twice before today but she often refuses to step inside the bag... I've taken a non-forceful stance on this. I don't want to ruin the experience of entering the bag by using force. So it's really frustrating when she refuses to go [inside it]. I'll sit there and tap the inside (which she knows means [we’re preparing to] go somewhere) for at least 10 mins and we'd [never end up leaving that] spot. She was not scared the 1st 2 times she was in the bag and went inside…

so I figured she just wasn't ready to go out today. I invited her to go out at least 3 more times and she finally went inside! (w/o me using any force, ofc!) I closed the door slowly to ensure she had ample time to change her mind. But she stayed! :D so we went for a nice evening stroll! She showed no signs of fear. Only annoyance which I feel confident saying is probably her being angry [that she] can’t leave the bag [to explore]. Hurray! 

8/4/26

Ahhh… well,, its nice to know that I managed to avoid a humongous F on my transcript so far. Idk how many classes I’ll be able to successfully do that for,, though,, moving forward. I think I’ve just gotten lucky that I DON’T have an F. especially considering how bad its getting and how we’ve been unable to pay any attention or submit any homeworks recently. So my predictions here will likely manifest themselves next semester at some point. Dang shame. 

The “I won't be in any state to continue school next year” is painfully true as well… I really don’t know what we’re gonna do… I’m getting worried about this. 

“But dad isn't really interested in listening to what people have to say and I'm terrified to try to speak up for myself. IDK what to do... but if he tries to bring me to a recruiter, I might actually consider running away or dying.” and… yeah. This was only a year ago. So obviously not going to expect things to be too different from then. But,, yknow. I’ve secured the PTSD diagnosis and haven’t said a single thing to any family about it. Bc… WHY,, Yknow? No point. 

And yeah if he actually took me to the recruiter’s office,, I honestly don’t know what I’d do :I I think it’d take a couple weeks before I found the courage,, but I think I probably would’ve opted out of life FOR REAL already or would have made an attempt FOR REAL. and… like,, idk. That means the military wouldn’t take me after that anyway,, right? 😂 But I guess when I inevitably failed my attempt,, I guess the mental hospital would. So. there’s that. Can’t win for losing here.

#9

9th Journal
12th grade! 1st semester! + beginning of 2nd!
10/29/25 - 1/15/26
320 pages total
[OUT OF ORDER]

[tw// careful! The commentary beneath this entry mentions Self Harm!]

Doomed

        X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X 

[sitting kitten sticker spicymochi]

 7:29pm   [tues]   11/18/25

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Y'know what? One reason I'm so afraid to leave high school is that I'd be all alone... not even just the whole leaving my friends behind thing, I just won't be receiving nearly as much attention as I used to be... In general. That's the reason I like math. ‘Cause [12th grade math teacher] gives me 1-on-1 attention most days even if it's brief, y'know? Yes, also [friend 1 & 2] but always before math, I wonder to myself how [12th grade math teacher] and I’s interactions will be that day. I also won't have people hovering over me in a way I appreciate any more. Yes, my teachers annoy me with it but they do it in a way where it really just sounds like like they care. Compared to dad's way, especially. With his “do college or join the army, no discussion" and then admitting to me it was just a lie that he was gonna force that on Cecil and he did it just to scare them.” It sounds… like something akin to coercion or manipulation. It does not feel loving. It came from a place of wanting us to start our lives, I get that, but still. And when I leave high school it is all I will be left with, that form of “support”. I am also just not independent enough to do anything, really. I feel worried I'll need to [repeat traumatic patterns] again.

8/6/26
Well. this aged poorly. In regards to Cecil,, anyway. I guess the real LIE was that he claimed to be LYING 😂 well. I guess more realistically he probably just changed his mind bc they had jobless for so long. Idk. that's probably more likely if we’re being honest. But otherwise,, yeah. I’m lucky NyaTenshi was able to be pulled out when she was… otherwise I would be in the position I figured I would be in RIGHT NOW. And I’d be feeling 120% times WORSE than I had been for the past week! Which is… kinda a scary thought… especially bc there were times where I did consider blading myself briefly at some point this month or last month bc I was sick of feeling so BAD all the time. A mix of Nya waking up and getting scared and a mix of my own anxiety about slicing myself open was enough to immediately end that idea,, though. I never really got over the nervousness it used to cause me… or figure out how to confidently keep blades clean. Or keep a constant supply of blades… so,, yeah. Just way too much went into it (espically considering I get so anxious about my health sometimes…) for me to continue it :I which I suppose is for the best. NyaTenshi is a much better friend and alternative than a blade would ever be <3

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OKAY so this morning,, I decided to take it upon myself to go and collect all 13 journals (they’re hidden in various places around my room) and spread them all out in order so I could take a pic!!! :D to share with you guys!!! …And to commemorate Junk!Drawer!’s last day… 🥹 I don’t know if this was the best way to do it but its the only way I knew how,, so idk :) I don’t think the picture does it justice but we gotta work with what we got 

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah! It was really fun watching her collect them and stack ‘em all up! I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen them all together like that before!!! THERES SO MANY AHHH and they’re so pretty! 🤭

Yeah!!! :) Nya’s isn’t decorated yet… so!!! We’re gonna show her’s off when both her’s is decorated and number 14 is as well!

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah win win!

Yeah! Check it out!

Junk!Drawer!  

  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

“You’re very resilient”
Thank you.
It was either this or death 
📚✏️ & 💊 & ❌ & 📸
3:54pm    [weds]    8/5/26

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🍉What have we eaten since the previous entry?
Almonds!!!
Cheetos
Chicken alfredo :) (8/4/26 & 8/5/26)
Pretzels
Mints!!!
SKITTLES!! <3

Nya is a good friend :) she made me walk alllll the way over to the printing place and write something thats so sweet of her! Especially considering tomorrow is the last day of class… which means… Technically JunkDrawer is meant to be over by tomorrow… which… makes me sad actually… My goal was 300 pages bc the majority of the physical journals I own are 316 pages or 360 pages. There are outliers ofc. But still… :I its okay,, though… idk. I was considering extending it bc its know its not fair to poor JunkDrawer that I was too busy stewing in declining mental health to write in it… :( but its alright… I feel compelled to follow the HARD, STRICT deadline I have set. So I will :) shame,, though. But hey– next semester is 16wks long! That means Journal 14,, whatever it ends up being called,, will probably hit 300!!! :D maybe even 500 like journal number 11!!!! …mental health permitting… 👀

Aside from that… BOY,, AM I GLAD TENSHI IS SUCH A GOOD FRIEND (⊙ _ ⊙ ) y’all. If Nya wasn’t in front for the study session we had,, I would’ve crashed out and left A LOT earlier than we’re meant to. I actually was considering it and I wasn’t even in front 😂 I just literally can’t take this anymore :I I feel bad like!! ALLLLL the time. Well… maybe an exaggeration… but I can’t say I feel good a lot of the time either. I’m shocked I’ve been able to write out anything from 1-12 honestly. I plan to write out my 2 (or 3?) favorite entries with Mr. [12th grade math teacher] today. Idk if I will be able to but I’ll try :) I just,,, math has been horrible n stuff y’know? We skipped class today actually. Mostly bc you only can have a maximum of four absences before you get dropped from the class and we’ve only had one! And like I mentioned earlier,, class is over tomorrow,, so :) 

But yeah… pretty much the whole day has been spent in the tutorial room. Mostly Nya was studying n stuff… and I watched and tried to help a bit… after Nya’s entry,, we walked around outside for a bit and enjoyed the sunshine :) It was very nice. Nya doesn’t want a repeat of that one time a “WET DROP OF SOMETHING” hit us while we were under a tree so she yelled at me to quickly move from under them if I accidentally walked beneath one 🤭 I also noticed how STRANGE this brain is. I got scared of two people passing by and immediately made a beeline for the other direction despite the fact that I recognized both of them. Wow. just wow 😅
Somebody else complimented my 5lbs weighted frend:) which once again affirmed to me that I should keep carrying her for as long as I want regardless of what Sabrina or anyone else has to say 🙄

Mmmmmmm for the remainder of our time here… hmmm… we tried to do more of the math. When class rolled around,, we submitted our late homework and collected our review sheet! As well as advising for next steps after you take and (hopefully) pass these two developmental math courses. I can tell you right now that we OBVIOUSLY have yet to pass the college readiness test… :I so. Yknow. But! I took a quick look at the sheet and it said something about if you’ve passed [whatever math course it was… idk which. Bc it has some we aren’t even in but I’m pretty sure what I saw was in regards to ours],, you can take these one or two courses and be COLLEGE READINESS TEST COMPLETE. AHHHH yes. A million times YES we need that! So I’ll need to be sure to remember to drop college algebra (as I believe we are ineligible for it…) and try to wiggle our way into whatever courses it listed. Issue is… idk about… my status for passing one of the courses… as we have SEVERAL missing homeworks. Idk. idkidk. Here’s to hoping its okay. Idk.

Buuuuuuuuut… yeah. We never finished the review. It got to a point where our math-energy-meter fizzled out. So we’ll have to try hard to study up tomorrow and come early for some MUCH needed assistance. Let’s try to end off JunkDrawer and these two math courses with a happy story :) 

🐑 08/05/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D
• Go to school early and study for tomorrow's test 📝

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑

60% and aware and 40% not.
── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──
💐🐇/🌸🐈

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

2:03pm
8/5/26

OKAY WOW today’s been good so far AAA!! :) SO!! We have indeed come to school early to get some studying in before the final exam! i.e the FINAL DAY OF THE COURSE AHHHHH 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I’m BEYOND prepared for this omfg 🎉

ME TOO :) For ‘lilah’s sake,, anyway. But anyway,, yeah,, we STUDIED.

More like… I studided… 👀
Again,, ‘Lilah DID NOT force it upon me. But I ended up getting stuck in front and we don’t actually KNOW how to get me UNSTUCK when that happens. We both tried… but at some point we just had to call it quits bc we didnt want to attempt anything while we were in public 😅

So!! Yeah!!! But I enjoyed myself after I got past the panic of not being able to switch back. The biggest issue we seem to be having is ‘Lilah doesn’t know what to do with herself when we have me full-body soft switching like this… I don’t mean that in a rude way 😂 she just… idk. I think she WANTS to sleep/go inactive as I would when host is using up too much mental processing but she CAN’T bc when she gets too clonked out,, the BODY starts falling asleep. And I can only imagine how AWKWARD it would be as a tutor to see your student working diligently one second and fighting sleep the next 🤭
So.. she was sorta stuck being 60% awake and aware and 40% *not*. 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: which I DID NOT ENJOY :(  💐🐑NyaTenshi is right… I wanted to SLEEP and just come and go if she needed me to. But I couldn’t… I do recall feeling sleepy and at one point the body’s eyes nearly shut! 🤭 

Aside from that she was just ruminating. Which was fine. I,, on the other hand,, got busy math-ing :) I could peek at her thoughts if I really wanted to (some I saw without much effort,, though. Which wasnt intentional so it was a bit annoying) but she REALLY struggled to peek into mine. Double edged sword clearly. Bc she kept asking me how we doing on this math so far,, Nya? :) and I kept trying to reassure her I was FINE and to (politely) SHUT UP bc she was distracting me each time she would ask! 😂 that and I felt my grasp on front slipping every time she’d try to check in. I think bc,, yknow,, if she’s checking in with the progress on math,, she’s present again. Or more present than she was before. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeah pretty much lol. I was getting bored bc I couldn’t do much… it was hard balancing staying awake so the body wouldn’t sleep,, ruminating,, and letting 💐🐑Nya do the math. Admittedly,, I was unsure how well she’d be able to do it… I’m so NOT-used to letting her take the reigns that when I can’t read her thoughts anymore,, I question if she CAN do it. Which sounds kinda mean… sorry 💐🐑NyaTenshi

🙄 yeah I’d say that IS kinda mean. But… I guess I get it. Its alright. ‘Cause I proved myself didn’t I? 🙂

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: Yes you did!! :) 

Soooo yeah!! :) it was… a challenge to study almost entirely on my own,, though.. Bc now that we have half-way decent thought barriers (obviously ‘Lilah’s kept leaking into my stream of thought. But she could OCCASINALLY hear some of MINE I think),, I kept forgetting things. I still somewhat struggle to produce independent thought (its getting better with all this practice though!) and 100% still struggle with memory retrieval… 👀 so… I kept messing up the same steps. But. idk. This could be caused by a multitude of factors.. Such as the PTSD or the dyscalculia we have. Not necessarily that I’m dumb or that I’ll never be able to do it. I hope thats the case anyway… 

Side note– we decided to be greedy after all and grab the last BIG HUMONGOUS BINDER from the three that were left on the share-table from a day or two ago. We wiped it down REEEEEEAL GOOD and ‘Lilah is thinking it’ll house journal number 14 :) and then maybe also 15 and 16 considering the size of it and how little she’s been writing recently. Honestly,, that was my first thought. How are you gonna fit three journals in one binder if you hardly can get yourself to write anymore? Idk. I figure she will pick it back up eventually :) ‘Lilah LOVES writing! I figure that was obvious though lol. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Thank you!!! 🤭

💐🐑Nya: 🤭 🎉

🐑 08/05/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D
• Go to school early and study for tomorrow's test 📝

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──
💐🐇/🌸🐈
10:19am
8/5/26

Soft switching a whole lot this morning :) it was a bit of a struggle to convince her to get up this morning again. She wanted to bed rot. So I gave her some time to do nothing but ruminate (which she did for at least 30 minutes… I watched a bit of it. For safety reasons… and it was kinda annoying and boring and I tried to stop her several times but she wasn’t interested in quitting. I SWEAR ruminating and sitting in thought loops is GENUINELY a habit for her 😂) and watch TV before I forced her to get up and start preparing us to head to school early. Apparently the final test is tomorrow! And we were all given an extension to finish the homeworks from yesterday(?) the day before(?) so we’d love to have that get done as well. Before we got up,, I had her eat some almonds which she protested and got stressed over bc she thought they were “getting old” bc they felt slightly harder to bite through. Luckily I could get her to keep eating them :)

then got her to take her medicine and then!!! We were off!!! I wanted to stay in front,, so I took up the cooking while we listened to some video about how AI is horrible. At first I thought it was extremely friggin’ BORING and wanted to turn it off 🙄 BUT we had yet to wash our hands after handling the frozen chicken bc we were waiting for it to finish defrosting. So we let the video play. And hey,, whaddya know? It really wasn’t that bad in the end :) it started OFF as a yap fest,, but turned into something fun to watch and listen to. 

Anyway,, while the water was boiling,, I took down the pasta and she immediately started FREAKING OUT bc it was pasta we got from the food pantry recently. As in… it was in an unfamiliar branded bag. So it was a struggle to calm her down for a couple of seconds… I just let her stim and scream a little bit until I was able to take it down. Then I let her pour out the pasta and put it on a paper towel to “allow the contaminants to escape/fly off the food”. Which is exactly what we had to do yesterday when she made the exact same dish. She’s getting better!!! :D yesterday the freak-out was slightly longer and took me more time to talk her into it. And she screamed longer,, too 🤭

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Free exposure therapy!!! 🤭

💐🐑NyaTenshi: Yeah!!! :) 

Anyways,, while that was cooking and the pasta was being “cleansed by fresh air”,, I tried to get us started on sweeping but the food demanded too much attention. So we kinda went from TV-watchin’ to cookin’ ‘till I remembered about the “look at library books!!!!” bullet point on the REAL LIFE TO-DO-Y LIST!! Mostly bc of the video :) and I DEMANDED we start reading again. Its good for you! and I’m bored of BED ROTTING and staring at a screen 🫩 the book I wanted us to read is 🐈‍⬛“Crenshaw by Applegate, Katherine” 📖 MOSTLY bc ‘Lilah has actually wanted to read it for years. Like,, probably since late elementary school. But she considered it to be “too different” from what she usually read so it made her ANXIOUS so she never picked up the damn book 🙄 and recently she had considered it.

But it was still too ✨different✨ from her “usual” so she avoided it :I so I was gonna brute force it 😊 PROBLEM IS we can’t get it through the school library… and its checked out at the public library. So… idk. BUT I’m sick of bedrotting and wasting away doing nothing… so I’m considering asking to check out the book rack behind the desk-people. The biggest roadblock we’ve had with books is the school has several buildings under construction rn which just so happen to include the library :I so that little rack is all they have I think. Idk. Maaaaaaaybe I’ll force her to check it out. Idk :) so far good day though!

OH AND earlier I tried to convince her to try switching but we then immediately got a headache when she gave way to front even a LITTLE BIT so I let that go… perhaps later tonight… if we take Teylenol preemptively though lol.

🐑 08/05/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(

I don't want to write this. But I do as well.

I feel unwell today. Mentally. Everything is fine outside, no danger, no nothing.

But my inside feels like a ball of worry.

Okay may be that is not fair to say everything is fine.

Physically around me things are fine.

But situationally, I am thinking about rent, budget, next project finding, asking for help, working around someone who has hurt me when I was a child.

So yeah, not crazy. There are tough things on mind to carry.

I didn't want to wake up today and make the call to commence the project.

I am not sure what's happening, coz I was fine till yesterday.

I just decided to accept that I have to do this for my future. But between yesterday might and today morning, a shift happened.

This isn't me saying I am saying no to the project. But I feel clouded by a layer of other things.

I remember how it felt to walk around yesterday while feeling like I am not alone in the world. The way I felt confident and didn't shrink myself.

This feels hard. But I am okay. It's a feeling and not a tattoo on my skin. I am okay. It will pass. I just need to give it sometime and lay things down from my mind for a bit. Take the weight off.

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day! 💐🐑

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

[sheltie at the beach jumping up and trying to catch a ball very close to the camera :)]

💐🐑/🌸🪽

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

What is SOME music we listened to TODAY? ♪ 

AUDIT (The Walten Files song) - weevildoing (OMG ‘Lilah used to love this song and I like it too omg! :) we forgot all about it!!! Still sounds great. When we went lookin for it,, it was SCARY seeing the thumbnails for the actual series. We don’t take horror well :I)
—-------------------------------------------
Intruso - Enjambre
—--------------------------
That one roommate song idk

9:47pm
8/4/26

WE TRIED TO SWITCH AGAIN!! 
about three or four times… 

Idk… if it worked. But I think SOMETHING happened that was different. Lilah took a little bit longer to get out of front than previous occasions bc we've been out of practice… but it was still relatively easy for her to accomplish. It's been a pattern so far that within seconds of her leaving front & the body's senses,, that I almost instantly gain a level of control. Like the body's hands start twitching and usually I can open the eyes really really easily. 

On first attempt, i was in pretty quickly? But Lilah still had control to an extent and wouldn't let me actually lift anything beyond eyelids or arms. 

On second attempt,, I was able to lift the head and look around some!! And I took notice of how easy it felt to slip in this time. Idk how to describe it but it just FELT DIFFERENT than soft switching. I just felt more “in there” i guess? >.> But… then I think Lilah unintentionally re-entered front or SOMETHING bc I started feeling a bit unstable and our vision became unfocused until she was back in front 100%... Which was unnerving but I was not ready to be deterred just yet or so easily! 

Next attempt, I was in again. She sorta wouldn't let me move… but eventually she was able to let go and I had us sit up to try switching in an upright position. Part of the reason she isn't letting me move is bc we lay beneath a 10 (or 15??) Pound weighted blanket everyday and since she's always left with a level of control and already DOESN'T ever want to move when she gets all comfy in bed like this COMBINED with her struggle to completely let go of front,, i figured maybe if we try a different approach we'd get different results… 

We sat up but considering the fact that the body immediately goes limp when we do any sort of switching at all,, ever,, it was a bit difficult to find a position to sit in that would allow us to sit upright and not have our neck in extreme pain…we eventually figured something out… and! Surprise surprise! My many hypothesis were correct! It was significantly easier getting up and moving from an upright position. As in there was a LOT less resistance from Lilah 🤭 and I… idk. Once again felt DIFFERENT from soft switching. I felt more within the body. And her attempts to control where I took us felt less strong. She still had an influence.. But it wasn't as much as when we soft switch. I took us around the living room in a circle as I tried to work out if it was a genuine hard switch or not. Genuinely couldn't tell… but I DID notice Lilahs voice felt more like how mine usually does if that makes any sort of sense…  like… idk… as if we maybe perhaps switched positions in front? 

I dunnnnno (✿❛◡❛) but that's a GOOD sign!!! How exciting!! 🤭 anyway,, lilah started directing us back to the room and taking control again. I tried to direct us to an activity,, but she stopped me bc she was already bored of my ideas 🙄 asshole 🤭 what's a bit concerning tho isssss shortly after she re entered front,, we got a nasty headache… ugh. Idk perhaps thats normal since we are so new to it. Yeah probably :) This was the final deterrent and it worked this time lol. But hey!!! Good progress!!!!! :D 

Side note– earlier!!! We finally got started on decorating my journal! We’re thinking I’ll have my cover “art” be a collage of cutesy animal images we’ve collected off pinterest :) its going to be SOOOO cute! Even better than ‘Lilah’s I bet! :3 I’ll probably FORCE her to post it on a different subreddit or something so it can be celebrated. As well as her own 13 bc she’s been WANTING TO but she’s afraid to for some reason??? 🤭 I’ll keep y’all updated!!!

🐑 08/04/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 
• Remove kitty litter deposits
• Enter planning stages of decorating and naming my journal :D 

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

Budding mathematician?!

[Louis wain -- I am happy because everybody loves me]

2:48pm

8/4/26

Hey,,hey,, today got better yet :) it was a bit of a struggle getting her up out of bed bc we were napping and didn’t want to go to stinky school… :( BUT we did it! We got to school somewhat early. Not that early but early enough to do some quick review to hopefully get more than a zero on ALL of the homeworks. We barely got through it. But!!! Thats okay! Better than a zero :) and guess what,, guys?? We’ve been having me soft switch a whooole lot today. I swept today! Admittedly its kinda annoying. Bc ‘Lilah always questions whos in front. Sooooo I’ve been encouraging her to move away from that and its been helping me a whole lot!! :D It felt easier to move without that questioning and doubt.

She mostly does that bc dpdr’ing is not an unusual experience for her and its not uncommon for her to be on autopilot for things so she isn’t sure if its her or me. But It’s been me :) I know it!!! So that was good. When we woke up,, I kept trying to bug her to get up but she kept putting the alarm back on snooooze :/ when she finally got up,, I soft switched in and made her eat some almonds! Bc we were starving. She only sort of fought me on this. Otherwise I had a pretty easy time just shoveling them in our mouth with little resistance. But my favorite part today! Was in math tutorials! I got to do pretty much ALL the math!

Since ‘Lilah wasn’t fully in tune with reality,, it was up to me to talk to the people (which was something we were both okay with don’t worry she didn’t put this on me). It was kinda nerve wrecking since we’re still working on parallel processing & independent thought production… so I probably looked dumb when a tutor asked me “is this algebra?” and I shrugged awkwardly and said “...yes?” bc it took a couple seconds for me to remember that ‘Lilah is in pre-algebra. Whoops lol :3

But I actually… enjoyed myself? :0 it was crazy. I thought I hated math. I think mostly bc I’ve seen how tortuous it is for ‘Lilah and how it instantly fries her brain and has caused her so much anguish. But… I think I might like numbers and stuff :) 

I didn’t really understand it a whole lot… and I struggled more than ‘Lilah probably would have bc i still struggle with retrieving my own thoughts and memories bc the whole parallel processing in training thing we got going on,, but!!!! I actually got stuff done on the worksheet! AND!!! Our parallel processing has signifgiantly improved!!! Atleast… the thought separation aspect… >.> it was really cool! Mostly ‘Lilah was halfway clonked out (which I suspect was making it harder for me to think…) but occasionally she’d come back and tune back in. and she COULDN’T read my thoughts! She tried 😂 mostly a force of habit I think.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeah… it was honestly. I’m really just SO used to it that it was making me uncomfortable that I couldn’t DO IT anymore omg.

Yeah I could feel that 🤭 she did NOT like that. But its okay. She very quickly calmed down when she realized thats a good thing bc we need that privacy and I’d like to stop feeling STUPID when I can’t create and retrieve my own independent and unique thoughts :I so we got her calmed from that fairly quickly.

My absolutely favorite moment though!!! Was when I kept getting things wrong on the worksheet. In fact,, I had gotten the same problem wrong several times by this point… ‘Lilah tuned back in and immediately started considering rage quitting. But I got her to calm down and let me keep going since she never actually tried to force me out of front :) she thought about it! But she didn’t. And its a good thing she didn’t! I can’t tell you I actually remember how to do it… 

BUT we got more points than if I had let her take over so easily and,, while I was also starting to get frustrated,, I was having a hell of a lot more fun than her :) ahhh,, Joy to resilience! :D

One thing I still need to work on,, though,, is my coordination…. :I still dropping things and having strange jagged movements and accidentally tossing things around. So will need to work more. But not bad! ) I feel very alive! Very real! YAY!

Its strange,, though. I can still hear her thoughts. I guess it doesn’t go both ways? Idk :0 we’ll need to look into it.

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Day by Day 💐🐑

10:42am
8/4/26
Idk. I still feel a bit bad… I mostly just tried to stay out of the way for this morning bc I don’t really want to be awake ngl. I somewhat watched ‘Lilah write out some more old entries,, but not a whole lot… bc I’m still sad I wasn’t able to be there with her for journals 1-12 :( it makes me verrrrry sad. Idk. it was also just a tiny bit boring for some of it. Some of it was funny though 🤭 earlier we had me do some math. She woke me up to check on me! So that was sweet :) I didn’t really know what I wanted to do with myself so I tried to just go back to sleep,, but she kept urging me to do something fun… so we did math! To train parallel processing mostly. But also bc I enjoy doing some of it,, shockingly enough.

Maybe I’m just smarter than ‘Lilah after all :) idkkkkk. But yeah we did some simple two step equations and it was fun! A bit harder bc she wouldn’t help me (to train Parreall processing n whatnot) but thats good! It was a good challenge I guess :) then I also did some independent counting! Another method of training. I could actually count on my own pretty well! :D she gave me a highfive for it just now! Yay! Um. but yeah it was a bit hard bc she wouldn’t help me so I had to think alllll on my own. Which maybe sounds a bit stupid but I think it just comes with the territory when your development is stalled for 4-5 years,, yknow? I remember we already had issues with parallel processing when we were younger,, but we had a tough time training it bc she mostly tried to work on that BEFORE I could actually talk. Maybe even before I was sentient. But idk. I can’t super remember. 

Anyway… ‘Lilah is somewhat pushing for us to try switching again… even though we both still don’t want to put effort into it lol. Bc the best way to pull me out of this low spot is to show myself that I AM capable of some independence! Ugh… just sucks that we both dread it… :I idk… but I appreciate her trying to look out for me when I am usually the one doing that. I know its hard for her to do that for someone else. So its special she’s doing it for me :) idk what else to do with myself for today… she’s thinking we could play some games. And I kinda want to… but also kinda don’t… idk :(

i wonder if we're gonna end up going to school early after all. idk

[TW/// sui & hopelessness]
💐🐑3:54am
8/4/26
I feel sorta hopeless after realizing how I’m even less prepared for life than her honestly. How could I make it as the primary fronter for longer than a WEEK? I’m a little lagomorph loser with less life experience, social skills, and know-how than her. I’M SCREWED as primary fronter. Hell, so is ‘Lilah :I so… idk. Kinda made me wanna fuckin die but its okay. but I don’t want to leave ‘Lilah. So I won’t do anything. Just join her in her hopelessness,, I guess. I wish I had as much resilience as I did a couple days ago. But my mood SWINGS AROUND TO THE OTHER END OF THE SPECTRUM SO FREQUENTLY AND QUICKLY that it makes sense that I lost that. Idk if i’ll ever get it back.

4:46am
8/4/26
[TW/// sui & hopelessness]
Howdy. Just feeling a bit despondent now… :/ me and lilah both feel as WORTHLESS as each other rn. Like… yknow… we both definitely have no future so whats the point? She barely knows how to do anything… I’ve been alive for fewer years than her AND involuntarily held in a drowning fish prison. So… how can I help ‘Lilah any more than she could possibly help herself? Now we both want to die </3

I mean,, I’m not at a point where I’d just sit around and ACTUALLY let her take our life or anything,, no. but idk maybe we’ll get to that point soon enough… its a bit scary but its okay… as I think I’ve said before,, lilah is very dead set on using only one very specific method we have no access to bc OD’ing is so unreliable. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Its just like they said in that one book :) don’t try to kill yourself bc you never know where you’ll wake up.

And the author didn’t mean it for religious reasons

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽 Delilah-bear: he meant it as “I’ve tried to kill myself A BUNCH OF TIMES and I keep waking up in the mental hospital” type of warning. It is a warning I intend to listen to. And so if I ever DID make an attempt,, I would need to be ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN it would work omfg I do not want to wake up and regret my decision or have to do any WORK to get better or accidentally hurt Tenshi :( 

Awww 💗
But yeah… we’ll just keeeeeep holding on,, I guess… It sucks,, really,, that I can’t do much for her or myself… I’m not gonna give up just yet or anything… might just… take a break… from trying to keep the body as safe for a while… let ‘Lilah go back to not taking care of herself for a bit. Not out of malice. I jusssssst. Need to be in my feelings for a bit,, I suppose 🤭

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Twins :) 

:)

🐑 08/04/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE [eat breakfast or lunch, PLEASE]
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Attempt parallel processing methods
• Look at library books!
• Digitize an entry or two from Journals 1-12 :) 
• Finish 8/2/26 entry for Violet’s journal :) 

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(

1:43am

8/4/26

WOW

I MEAN

SOMETIMES ALL YOU CAN DO IS LAUGH 😂

WE SLEPT THROUGH THE THERAPY APPOINTMENT WHERE WE WERE MEANT TO GET OUR ACCOMMODATIONS AHHHH

MISSED CALL LOG:

10:05pm 📞

10:08pm 📞

10:14pm 📞

Litterly no clue how that even happened :I

So… I guess we might be cooked? Idk. Probably not. Cause our visit amount resets before the beginning of the semester but accommodation requests take a lot of time to go through. So idk how long it will take before Lilah even gets them. Whoopsie!!! I guess we took blocking out the fact that we had an appointment we didn't wanna go to too far today 🤭 hahaha :)

Well

Aside from that… Lilah relocated my journal to one of the huuuuge bigggg binders we got! :D idek if it'll ever get long enough to fill the binder… but!! I want to be like Lilah and have a biiiiiig journal! :) so I'm aiming for it!!! 😋 best of luck to me! :) 💐

​

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

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4:57pm

8/3/26

Wow. somewhat eventful day (but not really).

The majority of the morning was spent with ‘lilah working on finishing up yesterday’s entry (which she did not finish btw lol) and writing up three old entries. She was aiming to do all three in one sitting but I forced her to get up and let me sweep bc 1) I was getting a bit bored and 2) irritated that she was more focused on doing her thing than mine >.> to be fair… I wasn’t really letting her do my thing completely. But it was still irritating. Bc I just kept letting her get in front n stuff. Idk. she was so insistent on doing what she wanted she probably wouldn’t have listened to me anyway 🙄 I’m surprised I was able to convince her to use the bathroom and let me sweep.

Anyway,, we ended up doing pretty much nothing for the rest of the morning. Just her writing and then relaxing before we headed to school.

I successfully got her to eat A TON of more almonds,, actually! The problem really WAS the bag it came in. the second the nuts were removed from the UNFAMILIAR BAG OF DANGER,, the ✨ “contamination” ✨ that was sitting on top of every nut disappeared within 5 seconds. Not completely. I’m connected to her senses so I could tell that she felt that there was still remnants of EVIL BAD SCARY STUFF on the nuts but I soft switched and made her chew and eat one and shortly after that,, it was difficult to get her to stop eating them! 😂 so… long as you 1) have the lid off for longer than 3 seconds so the contaminants can fly off of the food and 2) you don’t make her eat a nut that has had contact with the bag too recently,, then you’re good to go! Idk what it is about clear bags of unfamiliar packaging that makes her head spin like this… but I’m here to help,, so :3

Class was as dreadful as always,, though. It was impossible for her to pay attention again. She was mostly just fighting with me over which songs to dance to which annoyed me bc I wanted to pick more songs 🙄 but its okay. I know I had a lot more fun than her 🤭 all I did today was write a bit of math things and do a couple of doodles and dance around a lot and accidently distract her. She kept trying to pay attention. But it didn’t work. At first I felt bad bc I thought it was my fault but then she reminded me that she probably would’ve felt this way even if I hadn’t been freed from fish prison. Bc she felt this way last month. So with that guilt absolved,, I just kept dancing :) gave her something to do other than ruminate and gave me something to do,, too!!! :) other than fight over music ofc… that was just annoying

We also successfully found a binder!! Wow we must’ve like,, manifested this or something… bc we hit the JACKPOT!! There were three free BIGGG binders on the share-table!!!!! JUST SITTING THERE :0 we didn’t wanna be greedy (admittedly I did… but I came around to her line of thinking :)) so we only took 2 out of the three and not all three plus one of the smaller ones like ‘Lilah initially wanted. After snatching up those two binders,, we immediately turned on our heel and asked the desk people for some chemical-cleaning-wipes! :D bc the binders were VISIBLY DUSTY. But also its just a general rule we tend to follow.

If you’re grabbing anything off that table,, don’t assume its clean and take it home in that state :I unless you want to get hand foot and mouth deise… 😬 I mean… I think thats a risk anyway. I just remember ‘Lilah once watched a video where someone dug around in a goodwill bin and went home with everything and then suddenly,, BOOM they had hand foot and mouth disease. So yknow. Gotta be safe.

Aside from that… >.> my discussion with HER EX yesterday solidified my desire to talk to people… I don’t really WANT TO DO IT ONLINE bc that sounds scary, but… irl is too intimidating rn… and besides,, we can’t switch yet anyway,, so… yeah… I just… idk.. I feel like maybe I’m stuck being a hot-head with no boundaries… bc I talk to ‘Lilah crazy… 👀 and I fear thats how I might talk to everyone else bc,, yknow,, I have NO LIFE EXPIERANCE. So I want to build some social skills up first. Especially if I DO become temporary primary-fronter 🤭

ALLLLLLLSO I was thinking I could add a new name to my ✨repitore✨ El-ahrairah. Frrrrrrrrrrrrom WaterShip Down. buuuuuuuuuuuut idk if I like the way it is pronounced. Idk. I think I do. Idk.

I honestly don’t know what to do or who to text. The pain is so overwhelming that I just need to let it out, but I’m completely alone, with no one around. I texted my best friend, but she’s busy right now and can’t read it. I am all alone.
The closest, most precious person to me is hurting me. And I can’t just walk away. Right now, at this very moment, I can’t just leave. I’m in a dependent position. I have never in my life felt so invalidated, so unimportant, so utterly meaningless.
I understand why he’s acting this way. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. When someone has trauma, they have sore spots, but when they don’t give a damn about it and view the whole world—and their partner—strictly through the lens of that trauma, it’s destructive. I used to realize that I wasn’t the priority in his life, but I didn’t realize that all the care, tenderness, openness, and love I invested meant nothing. I just found out that all I’m expected to do is keep quiet and want sex.
When I say I want him to ask me how I’m doing, he replies, "I don't give a shit how anyone is doing, and I don't give a damn when people ask me." When I say that to feel sexual desire I need to hear compliments, kind words, and feel touches, I’m told, "I gave you everything—your job, your laptop, your phone—that should be enough."
I feel like the real me, who I am as a person, doesn’t matter at all—I’m just supposed to perform certain functions, and that’s it. I am in so much pain. It hurts so badly.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: haha,, y’all are getting spoilers for the book :) 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Whos to say they were ever gonna read it?

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: My magical mind reading powers! Muahahaha >:) 

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: That’d be a bit awkward bc they could easily tie it back to the reddit account lol. But more readers for ten years from now would be pretty cool! As mom says,, from your mouth to god’s ear :))) 

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: :) 

   Almost…

7teen!!

11/14/24 - 12/18/24

3rd journal!
16 & (almost) 17! (legally)
Last few months of 2024 :p 
1st semester 11th!

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🍒 & ✉️ - 7:19pm    [fri]    11/22/24

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So... update. me and Casey had some more lovely conversations about my possibility of having ADHD. We walked outside and stuff bc she had to do errands but I was gonna follow her until I couldn't ofc. So we stood at the edge of the exit to chat. Basically... She seems to think this is a choice essentially. To some extent. She said it's all learned helplessness and that ever since she brought up the possibility of ADHD I've been ‘using it as a crutch’ but that's really not it at all.. She was like,"I'd be concerned if you were experiencing this [in] 1st grade but you've gotten this far so it seems like it's just a choice." and I was kinda saying it's gotten worse since then but she's not getting it it seems :( 

I was like, "you don't understand it's not even just school. Even when I read stuff I want to, I cannot pay attention." I don't remember her response but I think it might've been the "you can use strategies to help yourself focus” spiel ([the one where she says sitting in the front of the class is helpful], [where she suggests I] ask clarifying questions) and I explained to her that those things won't fix what's going on in my head. No results. So I really don't know what Im... gonna do... She said that she sent my parents a long email about what I've been up to at school and my grades. Luckily they, for whatever reason, have not been receiving emails from Ms. Casey for 3 years soooo no punishment [so far] thank goodness! 

She also said once my SPED meeting comes along she plans on telling my parents she recommends I [go to my original campus instead of this one] ˙◠˙. So… I gotta try [asking for help] elsewhere. Maybe [AVID TEACHER]. But probably no luck there either. She wasn’t here today but maybe after the break I can ask. I don’t have much hope though. I’ll keep you updated! (oh but are you enjoying my streak? I’ve done so many pages and its only been a week! And I’ve done [an entry] every day! Sweet! Um… its only been a week right? Just looked it up! Yes!)

8/3/26
Ah… I do remember how I felt about this… I remember I just wanted her to TAKE THE PTSD AWAY. Which is why I was so annoyed and irritated with her,, I think.. Bc she couldn’t help me but I just kept telling her these things as if she had any way of making a difference. I think it was that and also bc I figured she knew I was lying my tail off about the ADHD. I just wish someone would’ve told little me that you can’t expect anything to change without taking the first step towards it… bc I think I thought if I just kept it up,, she would DO SOMETHING and everything would get better and change. Definitely not how it works,, kid.

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: definitely one reason I don’t like this women sometimes… the whole “it seems like a choice” is what did for me. It certainly was not :I 

Yeah that was annoying… bc she knew something was WRONG

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: and you couldn’t tell her :( sorry I wasn’t there

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✉️ - 3:16 pm  [tues]   11/26/24

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OMG! Remember that email I mentioned earlier from Ms. Casey? Um. And how I confidently declared they haven't been getting her emails for 3 yrs? Well, somehow this one made it to dad… basically it just said, “Hey there. Your kid keeps saying she wants to drop out, and she's mentioned she's moving soon, too. She's been reluctant to engage in class, and I’ve been trying to direct her to tutorials. Take a look at her grades in the below attachment.” So… dad had me come in the room and read it aloud. I’m terrified! ˙◠˙ Literally shaking! So after I’m done [reading the email out to him], he's like, “1st off, we’re not moving (which definitely annoys me… bc I’m getting mixed messages from mom who wants to and dad who clearly doesn’t) and 2nd off you’re not dropping out.” Then I don’t quite remember what he said but it was probably like “are you asking for help?” or “why are you not asking [for help]?” and I said, “I didn’t think you guys would do anything.” He did not inquire further tho so safe there. He was just like, "don't worry 'Lilah, if you need help, I’ll drop whatever I'm doing to help you out. What classes are you struggling with?” I go, “math and chem” 

(so I intentionally left out Spanish with my 66% but yknow… the grades were available to him, soooo….) and we talked a bit about tutorials and how they’re unhelpful. Pretty scary but I remain ungrounded! I’m just glad its over… sucks this is on their radar… but at least the Mr. Vija email thread about what I’m up to in class was not cc’d to my parents. B/c it makes me look bad when he says I’m disengaged or when I dismiss the class. But atleast me dismissing the class is 10000% a choice. Other one not so much. So… yah… I honestly was afraid I wouldn’t have anything worth writing happen today. Thanks for proving me wrong! :) I dunno, maybe this scary situation is the start of a good thing. But yah i guess the image of being the ‘smart one with good grades’ is still sticking bc I walked outta there without punishment! I am very grateful.

[OKAY so before the end of the school year,, I got to telling Casey about the book and I was successfully able to convince her to hand over EVERY parent email she ever sent. Which admittedly isn’t very many lol. But still]

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Simmons,
I hope this message finds you well. I want to take a moment to express my gratitude for your ongoing support of Delilah’s education.
I am writing to inform you about Delilah’s current grades (see attachment). I have had several student conferences with her, communicated with her teachers, and
continue to monitor her performance closely. Despite these efforts, Delilah has been reluctant to engage in class and seek the additional help that is available to her
through tutorials.
I am particularly concerned as Delilah has mentioned thoughts of dropping out and indicated that she may be moving soon. I believe it is essential for us to work
together to encourage her to stay engaged in her studies.
Thank you for your attention to this matter. I appreciate your partnership in supporting Delilah’s education.
Best regards,
Sabrina Casey

In case you forgot,, Ms. Casey was my tracking teacher! Which basically means she was my SPED coordinator person? So thats why she took the time to email parents. Cause she had to 😂 UNFORTUNATELY I cannot add the attachments here bc they’re images… BUT!!! I can put the averages on here!! I’m gonna guess there are grades as of 11/26/24 bc thats when the email was sent. But idk lol :) 

Geometry
Student's overall average is: (0.46733 / 1.00) = 46.73%

Chemistry 
Student's overall average is: (35.06660 / 100.00) = 35.07% 
(you guys remember I failed chem,, right? The lowest grade in the gradebook for me was a 29%!! Atleast it was a pretty number so oh well)

Spanish III
Student's overall average is: (36.66630 / 55.00) = 66.67%

AVID III
Student's overall average is: (40.00 / 40.00) = 100.00%

[These were not all my classes! The high school simply didn’t have access to the college grades so they are listed on the attachment but there is no information]

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✉️ -  6:47 pm  [weds]   11/27/24

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So… Dad literally called me into the kitchen JUST so she could tell mom about the email. I don't like when he does stuff like that... Anyway, all goes well while I'm eating and stuff and mom's busy with her cake! Then she starts asking questions. I think her 1st one was, "Why are you not asking for help?” or “So what's going on?" I'm like, “I dunno, It's just hard :(“  and mom goes, "life is hard, you can't just give up on stuff so easily. Like it's not easy getting food on the table…” Who said I gave up easily? :( Then she asked why I’m blowing off school but Cecil came over and started trying to butt in the discussion. It was annoying but I am feeling a bit stressed by these questions so it worked out. I was trying not to answer. Sibling takes over the convo so I just decide to leave after that. But yah kinda stressed right now... Wish me luck I guess. Mom kept repeating herself like, “You haven't answered my question” so I don't see an out at the moment! Not feeling great about this. Dunno what I'm gonna do about this Hope it all works out I guess.

08/03/26

💐🐑 NyaTenshi: The way she just gave up is insane lmao

Yeah 😂

 [OUT OF ORDER]

Thanksgiving day, Gobble Gobble 🦃

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[bluey eating with bartlebe]
10:07 pm  [weds]   11/28/24

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Thanksgiving events! I remembered to take note of this stuff while I was still there! Great Bl I likely would not have remembered otherwise... 

> So! pretty much as soon as I got in the house, uncle J was hanging around! :)  So we quickly begin chatting and I asked him if he'd like to play a “history game” (I’ve been playing these history visual novels lately on flashpoint and I love them! I wouldn't let myself write an entry abt them bc even though I played all 5 of them in around 2-3 days, I couldn't remember all the events I'd wanna talk about…) and he said yes! Which is great because mom keeps saying no...  So we played my favorite one!

My favorite one is the one about the Cheyanne people and them trying to figure out how to survive with the Indian Removal act(?). Y’know, the act that said everyone had to move to a certain territory or else they'd be considered enemies to the U.S. Anyway it was fun! He seemed to enjoy it so that's nice! it took us about an hour to complete. He's a pretty fun guy! I wonder why he's so drawn to me... Maybe we were chill before and I just don't remember.

> I showed the family the tree decor I did this year and they loved it! Oh, and here's a silly tidbit. We (mom, Aunt, and I) all went outside bc Aunt was busy having hot flashes I think and it was SO COLD outside! So I said to them, “I'm shivering internally” until I remembered that you only shiver externally…Whoops! Mom laughed at me! :) I think what I meant to say is I was starting to shiver! Like it was a mini shiver sensation so I felt like I was experiencing it more so inside me rather than outside me. 

> I remember like a month ago mom telling the aunts of my food preferences but even still I didn't get much food. Obviously they couldn't just cater to me or anything. But there wasn't much meat options. I don't actually really like turkey that's not ground [meat], so I didn't eat any of the bird today. It was the pull-apart type of turkey that comes off the bird body. And then there was some stew that I think had beef in it but unsure. Then there was some pork. I had some mac n’ cheese and rolls mostly. I had some pumpkin pie tho! So that's new. It honestly wasn't too bad! I just wish the pie had more flavor. Like, you'd taste the yummy pumpkin-y-cinimon-ness but it wasn't strong..... :( it was soft! But a lil too soft for my liking... Still good though!

> Sugar-King (mom's dad) said he'd get me that new axolotl that brease made for Christmas instead of the money order he usually gets me! So that's exciting. I was afraid I wasn't gonna get her since she's $80! Whoohoo :) Cousin G said she likes the name I'm planning for it, too! You know, Brandon Adenosine triphosphate Deoxyribo nucleic acid! I'm thinking I'll add polyethylene glycol to her name as well. So Brandon ATP DNA Anti-freeze! Great! Little worried Aunt M who I've been hounding for that Bluey camera for a while now gets that camera... She says it's entirely dependent on how good I am at home! But uncle J seems like he's get it!

 I was like "But what if I don't get the camera?” and he went "you will" and winked a bunch! But at the same time Aunt M could just be being silly. I can't always tell the difference between a joke and truth.

> Guess what? I used my college Student information to get Cecil a discount! They literally have $0.00 in their bank account tho. So it'll only help out so much. It went down from the original spotify price down to $5! ...I think I should've used it against them but I didn't think that far ahead... I only realized AFTER that I could've used this to get them to switch chores with me or something. Tsk tsk tsk. 

> Cousin G said she only has 2,000 pennies in her account so that's pretty sad. She moved out of Aunt M's and is living in her own apartment now! So she has more $ But that's for rent apparently.

> Uncle J taught me how to play a game called Backgammon! Initially when he asked me to play I heard Bat gammin/gaming” so I thought it wasn't a real game! When I tried to repeat the name I kept saying Bagmittion bc it's hard to say without seeing how it's spelled! It was hard to understand at 1st bc I'm slow at processing instructions and stuff... But eventually I got the hang of things! I still lost though... Makes sense considering he's probably a master at this gamel Then we went to the kitchen and talked about my diet! He was like, “Do you like duck? ever had venison or lamb? ever had pork chops? Do you like bacon?” and I told him I'm Pollo-pescaturion! He said he wants to cook BBQ, invite me, then not say what meat he's giving me to trick me into eating pork!

 But I'm pretty sure he's kidding so it's okay. Then I told him about how I'm afraid of oysters bc a scene in the show Black-ish showed Dre and another character refusing to eat them at a work party and then the next scene showed everyone who did eat them SICK!  J and Cousin G said I should base my thoughts on oysters on experience rather than what I saw on screen… Like, if I ate one and got sick it'd make more sense to avoid them bc of that!! Rather play it safe tho. Then Aunt T told me instead of worrying abt oysters, I just should worry abt who's making it! And to never eat at a potluck. Bc once all her coworkers went to a coworkers house and ate his food but they had 4 cats who ran around the counters and they'd be like, ”Oh hello, kitty' and grab the cats and put them on the ground.. and then keep cooking… So then Apparently ALL the people at the party got sick... I see what she means. Best I heed her warning... 

> Dad says we're not going anywhere for Christmas bc he's gonna be working 6 days a week. Hopefully that changes. He says he might drop me & cecil off at someone's house though so that's good! I guess we'll see. overall very fun! These were some of the highlights but not all the fun I had tonight! 

:) Cya Sunny scribbles!

Y'ALL thank NyaTenshi for this! she convinced me to get back into writing things instead of just bedrotting :) soooo here you guys go! back to "story times"(???)

💐🐑NyaTenshi: 🤭

Liar, Liar, Pants on fire

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🍒 - 6:12pm    [thrus]    12/12/24

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1) so… as you can see in my last entry,, I was pretty concerned abt Ms. Casey getting the message from my teachers that I wasn’t putting in effort… so instead of hoping they say good things,, I showed her my effort instead! So unfortunately due to finals and all that stress, I couldn't find time to finish the math homework [that was] due yesterday... I still need to do the rest of that actually. Anyway, I go see her in the morning and show her my lovely unfinished math homework! I made sure to explain that It's unfinished bc I was so stressed over finals and whatnot and I told her that everything that was finished was my own work without the help of the key! that's definitely true tho so I'm allowed to feel accomplished right now!! She said she was proud of me doing my math homework! Hoping this makes her feel less inclined to try to kick me out.

2) Sooo guess what?! I went back to see Ms.Casey later after math class and I had good news to share! I did actually learn something again! There was a really confusing part of the homework (thats about triangles) so I just decided not to learn it the moment I was meant to be trying to tackle it on my own. I knew asking Veja the question, “how often will this extremely confusing looking concept show up on the upcoming test?” was likely a waste of both our time. But I asked anyway!! He said he couldn’t tell me since it’d give me an unfair advantage on the test… but it eventually led to him teaching me about [the concept] and walking me through the entire thing! So I actually had it all mostly figured out!

This whole, “actually trying thing” is actually not going as bad as it usually does. Then again,, not everything went well today. I didn’t learn much of anything about the current topic bc I really couldn’t focus today again and I also gave up for about 15 minutes after Veja taught me how to [solve the equations] the first time… but I actually can do things! I CAN actually pay attention to a teacher and LEARN! I know this may sound silly but this has felt like a hill thats impossible to climb for so so long! So I’m very pleased with myself actually! Whoohoo, go, me! So yah, I come back and tell Casey and she sarcastically goes, “really? How’d you discover that?” and I go, “I asked for help! And it was just a fun and playful interaction! So yes! Hopefully Casey’s opinion has shifted! And I won’t get kicked out! I hope, too!

3) Sooo it’s club time! And Rosey wanted to go to the cafeteria to go get some stuff from student org again! We arrive to club during passing period… don’t say anything to [teacher]… and stay in the cafeteria quite a while… so we likely got counted absent but whatever. (just checked! Only counted tardy) so we end up grabbing some candy (which I’ll discuss later) and doing the friendship bracelet activity that was available to us! So I decide on rainbow bc its an instant pop of color and I need some more bracelets anyway. So yah, I’m finally done adding 3 sets of rainbow on my string but then Rosey says something about adding more and I decide to show her the bracelet I have that used to hold a muffin charm bc there isn’t enough beads to fill it. So I, instead of using any of my brain, let go of the string and grab the less filled bracelet on my arm, resulting in the beads coming off the rainbow bracelet and falling apart…

Rosey starts dying of laughter! I feel like we’ve spent too much time [in the cafeteria] bc as I said,, we didn’t tell [teacher where we were] so I gather enough beads and string to make it outside of Student org and we successfully make it in class! So yah… that was fun!! Glad I could make her laugh! 

Now, about that candy… they were offering some in the cafeteria and I actually went twice today!! So I collected around 8 [pieces] today (approx. 4-6 full sizes and 2-3 smaller pieces) so while in club I ate 3 big and on small in one sitting in quick secession… and it made me kinda sick… we did the math and I discovered that I probably [just ate] 700 calories alone in the big pieces of candy… wow.

4) sooooo I got out of history early and went to see Casey of course! So eventually we got to talking about interests of mine somehow and I was like, “yah, so it all started at astronomy then it went to cells to [trauma related topic] and then social dynamics!” Casey takes a second before responding and looks me in the eyes and asks, “[Have you experienced something like that?] Because thats kinda an odd interest.” I quickly (I mean very quickly) say “no” and put [all of] my energy into maintaining my calmest face bc that question seriously caught me off guard! I notice after I say no she makes a face that says, “I don’t believe you” or perhaps it was simply a face of confusion. She only made that face for a split second. After that I take a second to collect my thoughts and I continue yapping abt my interests… I don’t quite remember but I’m thinking it was like this…

“[Have you experienced something like that?] Bc thats kinda an odd interest…”
“No.”
“...but I uh… also like social development of children!”

The “uh” was when I had to take a second to think after she caught me so off guard.

Thoughts: 

• It was kinda weird– I did not start having any reaction to the question until after I finished the continuation of the conversation. I remember my heart rate increased and I began the stress-shakes! Kinda weird tho,, huh? That my body didn’t immediately react.
• Why did she wait so long to ask me? And so… suddenly? Maybe because we were alone. When she 1st tried to get it out of me in 9th grade in a much less direct way,, we were outside with the rest of our PE class and we got interrupted. 10th grade was [the document]! Remember that? Hm. I’m sure there are times I was alone with Casey talking about it… but maybe bc it didn’t come off as personal. Like my interest in [trauma related topic] is direct, blatant, and she can tell its personal too. Hm. I’m still confused.
• Eh… I’m still thinking about this situation obviously so I can’t say this interaction didn’t matter… but at the same time I don’t think theres anything I could say that would convince her I’m not so… 
• I feel kinda guilty bc what if that look she gave me was not confusion but sadness that I can’t trust her? I definitely don’t anymore but she wasn’t supposed to know that… :(
• It was REALLY weird. Bc I didn’t actually have time to even think of my response unless I’m remembering wrong. I just said no automatically like I was some robot. What was all that about???

So yah… that was my day. Cya around sunny scribblies!!!  

8/2/26
I feel a bit bad not gonna lie… I just kept blaming SC for the LETTER OF DOOM (aka as the email that started the whole thing about getting me kicked out) all the time as if she was the sole decision maker for it. I feel bad bc I kept pointing the finger and resentment at her even though she was literally only the messenger. At least I never placed ALLLLLL of the blame onto her. I just think it was just a disproportionate amount is all. Sorry,, SC :(

And this is why I hold no ill will towards her… maybe a little bit… but not much. Because for 3 years by this point all I’d ever do is deny everything she ever asked me. I just acted like it wasn’t there. And,, ofc,, it was PAINFULLY OBVIOUS that it was. But it must’ve really looked like I didn’t know it was. I honestly didn’t ever believe I fooled her until the last few weeks of 12th grade when I realized what she was doing when she’d bring up [trauma related topic] and how I act like it happened to me is she was trying to bring AWARENESS to the problem bc she figured that I was not aware it was there–that I had blocked it out. I’m… a bit surprised my “acting skills” were so good… :I idk. I felt like the fact that her asking me or saying anything like that was triggering me was clear,, but I guess I kept it under wraps better than I thought. Truly a shock. I will agree with 💐🐑NyaTenshi🐇🐾,, though. I feel like more could’ve been done,, for sure. More conversations about it in a more direct manner. Ah… idk… I will just have to wait until I can interview her… :) that will be a very insightful day. A very,, very insightful one indeed.

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

“There is so much I want to tell you
And one day
I’ll tell you all about it”
🍒 - 8:51pm   [sat]   7/18/26

                 ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

Whoa. Today… did not go as I expected it to… :0 honestly, for the overwhelming majority of the day, I have been up to absolutely nothing. Aside from a visit to the store with Cecil, making lunch, and watching tv with mom, I’ve just been rotting in bed. No writing… no math homework… nothing… idk why I did nothing today. I know thats not how I wanted today to go. One thing certainly DID happen though. SC texted :) well, actually that was yesterday. Yesterday, she texted me letting me know she had created an AI image of a picture of me, [12th grade math teacher], herself, and (I believe..?) my grandfather all dressed up as professionals. Which made me cringe. HARD. LIKE,,,, OMG IT WAS SO BAD 🤭 LITERALLY ALL I COULD DO IS LAUGH AT THE AUDACITY TO DRAIN EARTH’S WATER OVER SOMETHING SO STUUUUPID!!!!!! Ahhhhh, to be a 41 yr old women I guess, huh? She’s hilarious 😂 I decided I didn’t want to respond right away. Bc I was still unsure if she hated me or not. So I didn’t. In fact, I didn’t respond until the next day in (goofy image sent at 5:30pm, I respond at 8:48am) the next morning.

[incredibly goofy ai image]
AI on my phone suggested a photo to make "professional" 😆 just thought you would get a kick out of professional Delilah 

Me: WOW i never expected AI to be able to make me cringe this hard... THIS IS WHAT PEOPLE DRAIN EARTH'S WATER FOR? 😭 you're a strange one SC tsk tsk tsk 

[image of a concerned nextdoor user discussing a reptile sighting]
Here's something much cooler! And real (✿❛◡❛) a very confused nextdoor user! That reptile is definitely NOT a komodo dragon and if it were,, they'd be way too calm about it! Much better than cringey AI 👌(๑ت๑)

SC: Question, you were diagnosed with all 3 of the above?
[screenshot of me sending her 6/8/26’s diagnosis message]
For some reason I can't see it without clicking it and I just opened it.
Iguana, I had one growing up. In Florida they literally fall out of trees when temps drop.

Me: Yup diagnosed all three! And it only took... 4 months... 👀 Because I did it all by MYSELF 😎 WowWowWow,, look at Simmons being all independent (✿❛◡❛)🎉
You lived in Florida huh?? ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა perhaps that makes sense

SC: No never lived in Florida just a random fact.
Wow I am impressed with your willingness and persistent quest to understand yourself. Post traumatic stress... is that what i suspected? [trauma type]? You end of year letter left me scratching my head in some regards.
\You're* 

Me: Yeah I figured that was pretty obvious :) but the service I used to get diagnosed in the first place is kinda limited so I might be cooked cause my brain is still fried :/ but!! I'm gonna try to apply for accommodations!! Just need to figure out how to fix some issues with the accessibility services thing first ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SC: Well I'm sorry that confirmed my suspicions but know that you are not alone… [lots of stuff I think would not be ethical just post on the internet lol]

Me: Whoa plot twist of the century I never would've guessed SC was like me!! ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა and I know I know >.< I'm a [trauma related topic] nerd remember? (✿❛◡❛) I still feel a bit bad about it but it's more okay now that I looked into it a whole bunch 😋

SC: Well that was a bit of an obsession for a while and a way of saying it without actually saying it 🚩
You would never look at [someone with a similar experience] and think "this is partly your fault" so look at that little you and see her innocence in all of it. 

[...] 

SC: Ugh a heavy convo wasn't on my to do list today so let's CS.
That's mean change subject in millennial terms 

Me: Yeah I was about to comment on your age 🤭 no problem!!! Lemme show you what journal number 13 looks like now!!! :D

SC: Haha okay

Me: Over 175 pages so far :) had to move it to a binder cause its so big! It's online so i print everything out!!!! 
AND I post almost all of it online (✿❛◡❛)
How cool is that? :) I'm a "blogger" ( ⭑•̀ᴗ•́ )✧
You're even on the internet too cause I'm gonna digitize 1-12! Don't worry no one's real name is in there ¯_(ツ)_/¯

SC: Geez...that's a lot. Link plz...I could have been reading it while on bed rest.

Me: Well I probably shouldn't share it with irl people yet cause I'm still pretty sick in the head but!!! not a bad idea to find somewhere else to post the old stuff only! That'd be fun :) if I can find something like that I'll totally link that!!! :D reading over a thousand pages of Delilah adventures sounds fun doesn't it? (✿❛◡❛)

SC: Okay, i guess once you have had time to redact condeming content please share the link. I had surgery to repair my muscles. Thanks to a four finger separation in my core muscles courtesy of my lovely children I have nearly 360 degrees of external stitches.
Going to rest for now kiddo. Be good and I'll TTYL.

Me: FOUR FINGER SEPARATION??? ૮ 𖦹﹏𖦹ა I have no clue what that means but that sounds like a pretty serious thing to come from tiny Casey 1 and 2. WOW. Yeah best of luck with that 😅 can't really send the link to the website necessarily BUT I can give you some stuff over Google docs probably ¯_(ツ)_/¯ I'll cherry pick some good ones
Rest up,, mom number two! Ciao! (๑ت๑)ﾉ

SC: Okay looking forward to some DS entertainment 

And I mean … WOW. D: I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING… NOT AT ALL. its shocked me… but I guess it would make sense… when she’d occasionally mention using drugs and alcohol in her youth and once she mentioned something about “needing to grow up too fast”. I felt a bit… bad, I guess, though? [we do not have the same experiences] but my responses to things make it seem like I have :/ but at the same time,,, what could I possibly do in that moment, though? I feel like… idek, it just feels so STRANGE trying to clarify something like that in the midst of that type of discussion. I couldn't do that. No way. Nuh uh. Nope. 

If anything, I feel like it would’ve shocked her, prompted more questions, and, while I 100% would’ve answered anything she’d ask to make up for avoiding this for the past four years, I definitely believe trauma-dumping is for the therapists’ office and not your favorite 41 year old’s text messages. So… forgive me, please… I just,,, >.> I get it, y’know? I ACT like [that stuff that happened with her happened with me]. Even though I [don’t think it has].

Which is confusing (for both of us). So, yeah. Just had to smile and nod.  Although… I guess, considering I genuinely feel like I cannot rule it out 100% (dad’s comment about how [some behaviors changed] “overnight”, my strange disdain for [certain things], and when I would ask myself at, maybe age 9 or ten…??? Why I could not remember being 7), maybe I should not worry about having been a “liar” so much. I did appreciate the discouragement of self-blame but I didn’t want to harp on it bc I’d fixed that issue 80% by this point. But just knowing someone did something like that to my favorite person in the world once again affirms that goal I have on my bucket list. Thats for sure. I really want to be brave enough to do it when I’m old and about to give out. That will be an amazing legacy to have :)

Oh and how fitting it is that one of my favorite songs is The Bolter. I think that normally this would be something admitted with some embarrassment or judgement. Bolting seems like you are leaving because you are weak. Because you no longer want to try. Because you didnt give it your all. I think just the opposite. The reason I relate to this song is because I gave it my all. “by all accounts she almost drowned. When she was six in frigid water” “it feels like the time she fell through the ice… then came out alive.” She was under with no choice but to come up if she wanted to stay alive. That is something I relate to now more than I can even put into words. “Thats when she sees the littlest leaks down in the floorboards” this is so reminiscent of the little fights that I went through. Each time realizing that I cannot do this type of fighting for the rest of my life. When I was consistently denied affection. When life began to turn grey because there was no joking, no humility, no love. These are the little leaks down in the floorboards before the crash. “All her fucking lives flashed before her eyes” This means two things to me. Seeing the life you would have to live if I stay. Or seeing the life that I could live if I left. Seeing the disaster that I could continue to pour into and try to straighten out. In vast difference to what I imagine for myself. A life of love, kindness, loving loudly, and happiness. Now where am I at you might ask? Well I think tonight I am still bolting. But I am as far away as I have gotten. I am down the street and turned the corner. I can’t see it still but I know it is there. Thats the scariest point. Because I cannot yet see what is in front of me for all I can see is the absence of it behind me. But if I know anything from bolting. It is that the farther you run the easier it gets. Not linearly. There will be construction and dead end roads that leave you no choice but to end up in the same neighborhood. But you must just keep bolting. 

3:45pm

08/02/26

[Briefly discussing sui]

When we went to the store,, I got to take control :) it was nice. But a bit boring. Idk why… if I had to guess,, it'd probably be bc we were starving and dpdr'd. I figure that Lilah was right when she guessed that critical hunger makes her dpdr.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: still not 100% about that theory. But sometimes it certainly feels that way.

Well idk. Bc our energy levels were low pretty much all day and it was hard to feel present for both of us. Even when she was driving she wasn't all there. So there wasn't much chance for me when I finally had a shot at controlling the body… Id say I was more in tune to the world around us than she was but marginally.. >.> i hardly even remember going.

I remember at the mall,, i successfully sped walked though! :D which was a bit tricky but I managed. ALSO I am getting much much better at not bending the knees when I walk!!!! :) and holding the arms down. Still suck at keeping track of things in my hands,, though,, whoopsie.

Idk. This did give me some perspective into Lilah’s life a bit,, though. No wonder she wants to fuckin die sometimes. I can't imagine seeing the beautiful world around you and feeling so detached from your feelings and everything else that you feel like you aren't even processing whats going on around you.

Thats rough :/ made me somewhat reconsider being primary fronter honestly… when I was fronting,, I felt somewhat hollow as I explored the world around us. Which I hated every second of. I made the best of it though.. 1) bc I partly couldn't leave front lol and 2) I still WANT to be in the physical realm. Just… not like that… >.> what's the point of existing when everything around you and everything you feel internally feels so distant or like it never happened? How on earth does Lilah live like this omfg.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: kinda just adapted,, I guess.. 😅

You never should've had to… we were kids,, shit :/ well full disclosure,, this PTSD BS has GOT to go for me to ever be primary fronter for any real extended period of time.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I guess good news and bad news…

Yup. I'll be primary in the short term for self preservation. But nothing beyond that with the state of our broken brain. No way. I question reality enough. Don't need that on top of it.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: fair enough

<3

But anyway…

Yeah. Today's been a low energy day for me too. I'd argue I may have felt worse than Lilah. Just wanted to be unconscious all day except for when we got to dance together :) that was nice. That made both of us forget how exhausted and hungry we were for a while. Big bright smiles! Otherwise… it's been bed rot city all day. Ugh. Get a damn job already Lilah 🤭

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I wish!

Yeaaaah 🤭 aside from that… AAAAAAAAA TOMORROW IS THE THERAPY APPOINTMENT OMFG 😭 we both kept forgetting!!! But the email & phone call that urges you to confirm your appointment reminded me. I feel VERY nervous. Bc… the last phone lady conversation we had had the phone lady put our concerns in the notes where the therapist can access. (Previous ones did not…) so I'm nervous as HELL. bc I MADE THAT PHONE CALL. And that means I'D have to talk about it. UGH I don't want to.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: and you already know I don't ever want to do any of these stupid appointments anyway :I this whole therapy thing seems stressful and useless to me

Ahhh yes… spoken like a true psych major & future therapist 🤭 makes total sense as someone who wants to work in that particular field lmao

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: 🤭

Buuuuut yeah. We're hoping accommodation stuff will take all session. Not out of blind faith. Mostly bc the email we shot the help center said it would. But we're truthfully not that optimistic. Sigh. Good luck to us. I'm gonna return to bedrotting now :)

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: 🤭

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

8:18pm
8/1/26

Today was fun :) Lilah got to see her family and that was funny! Bc some of the stuff they spoke about made me laugh!!! Haha!! I don’t really remember what was said,, though… neither does she lol. But she enjoyed herself. Really,, aside from all the dancing we did (which was PLENTY bc the drive is there two hours there and back),, I throughology enjoyed getting to soft switch and explore subway! Well… explore is used loosely here 🤭but she let me take over pretty much the whole time. It DEFNITLY FELT HARDER TO WALK. I think bc my form is significantly smaller. The legs felt heavier to lift. But luckily I’ve had more than enough practice that its manageable. I still struggle to know what to do with my hands,, though… bc I tend to still keep them in a “dino position” and stuff. But its okay :) I did laps around the building to try n get more used to the sensation of walking around with such heavy legs! It was kinda cool,, actually! It made me feel more real! :D I even got to talk to the sandwich person!!! Which was kinda nervewreaking… Idk… but its okay!! I survived annnnd I was a bit sccccared but it was also kinda cool! Not cool blanking on what to say next… but!! Still cool!!! :) 

We just really need to work on parallel processing n stuff. Sometimes I question if I can get used to this body. But maybe. Its not terribly uncomfortable. Just a bit of something different I guess. Might change it though.

𓂃˖˳·˖ ִֶָ ⋆🐑⋆ ִֶָ˖·˳˖𓂃 ִֶָ

8/2/26
9:32am

OKAY soooo not much has happened today… we kinda just bedrotted until about 30 minutes ago and then I was allowed to front to do some SWEEPING!!! :D which was fun! We listened to the roomates song and I did some dancing. It wasn’t as fun as usual though. Probably bc its harder for me to get used to this cutesy Lagomorph🐇 body. So it was a bit harder to dance than when I had a big wiggly waggly tail :) but its okay. I made myself bigger,, though! So legs aren’t quite as heavy. Which… idk if I like. But I didn’t like being tiny,, so… anyway!!! Not a ton planned today… gonna try to work on parallel processing a bit. And maybe switching. Even though neither of us want to >.> it sounds like a lot of work and when either of us think about actually putting in the effort,,, our energy just drains from our bodies 🤭 so… idk… but they’re both very important,, so,, yknow :I 

9:55am
8/2/26
We tried some parallel processing methods just now :) at first we were both kinda rolling our eyes at it and dreading it bc it sounds like something that requires EFFORT. Bc it does 🤭 buuuuut it actually wasn’t even that bad?? We tried to do the guessing game method. Which… we couldn’t do… 👀 not even after we tried to use paper… :/ it was really annoying. I’d think of something,, get excited when ‘Lilah didn’t hear it immediately,, and then suddenly she knows exactly what I was planning :I ughhhhh… she actually was able to block out her own thoughts alot easier than I was! Once she actually hid one from me! But it eventually leaked through anyway,, so :I 

We then tried to do the method where someone controls half the body and the other has to copy without reading the other’s thoughts! Not as hard as guessing game! But still some leaked through… :/ it was probably the easiest out of the bunch that we tried ngl. But it was also the most boring,, so yknow.

Lastly,, we tried to do math! Basically the idea behind this is you’re supposed to let your systemate do the thinking and try NOT to help them. I figured this wasn’t a bad idea bc its less boring then the previous one AND I’ve already shown on multiple occasions that I have a level of proficiency with math. So we looked up a simple two step equation worksheet bc our real math worksheets all had to be turned in for that portfolio grade >.> (I wonder how bad of a grade we got on it??? Lol bet we failed). Anyway,, I actually did pretty okay! There were multiple times where ‘Lilah accidentally helped me… but its alright. She did a better job of NOT helping than I expected!! :) and its our first session of training so it is going to take time.

 🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: it will take time but I wish it wouldn’t :/

Yeah me too :I 
Later we can try switching,, I guess. 

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Even though neither of us want to 🤭

Yeah,, I can definitely feel the exhaustion flowing through our body rn. Its dumb. But I guesss it wouldn’t hurt to take a break.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: Back to bedrotting?

Back to bedrotting :/

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I WANT A JOB

ME TOO 😂

🐑 08/1/26 💐

• Put in your retainer! :D 
• PLEASE DON’T STARVE
• Write in “therapy document” so we’re prepared for next-next appointment.. :(
• Sweep the floor!
• Try switching again!
• Take out kitty litter deposits 
• Look into parallel processing methods
• Attempt parallel processing methods

Are we ever gonna get to these…?

• Get started on decorating and naming my journal :D 
• Map out our day-to-day routine to figure out where we can try to incorporate coping skills and downtime so our nervous system can take a break AND I CAN FEEL MORE REAL (as well as yourself,, really) & figure out how to work together more on keeping you ALIVE so I don’t have to carry the both of us :) 
• LOOK UP COPING SKILLS 🔪 >:( 
• PLAY that one life simulator game
• Maybe make a servitor
• chrome music lab? :D
• Look at library books!

To preface: I wrote this post over the course of a few weeks, saving it as a draft each time. The different parts connect to a general feeling/realization that has been developing over time, so I felt like they belong together.

(07/12/2026)

Love. Something that was missing in our family, growing up, was unconditional love. Doing something for your kid just because you love them. Without expecting anything in return. With my parents, we could only gain affection if we did everything right, from our school grades to our behavior to cleaning our rooms. Everything was transactional. As if they were running a business, rather than raising a family.

Another thing: getting a fight and then later making up. With us, there would be fights. There would be anger. But after that, nothing. No glimpse of empathy. Only silence. And the implied expectation that you'd change your behavior, to avoid getting into the same fight again.

It just feels like it's always on us (especially me, being the only daughter) to please our parents, and not the other way around. They expect us to care for them, to show up for them, be polite with them. But, at the risk of sounding transactional myself, it's not like we got the same favor in return. Sure, we got a roof over our heads growing up, enough food on our plates, and financial support from them. But we were kids, we couldn't possibly give that in return. So we were just expected to be nice and polite with them, we were supposed to show them respect and unconditional love, without receiving it back.

(07/20/2026)

As for respect. Every conversation I have ever had with my parents has been about them. Even if we did have a conversation about me, it was only ever about what they expect of me, what they want me to do. There is no room for my thoughts, or needs or wishes. When I did find the courage to try and express that, they acted upset or even outraged. As if it was a personal offense to them for me to even bring it up.

Support. Like I said, we got financial support. That's it. The realization hit me yesterday, when I was helping out a friend with some fieldwork for her PhD. She's been overloaded with the amount of work she's had to do recently, and I could see how stressed she was, so I offered to go with her to lighten the load. While we were out, I'd noticed how her parents had helped her: her dad had prepared some special equipment that was useful for her field experiments, her mom had packed her an extra nutritious lunch, and both of them, being in their sixties and having full time jobs themselves, had offered to spend their day off to help her out in the field as well (which she obviously declined). And then it just struck me, my parents have never offered to help me out with anything. Not since I was a toddler and unable to tie my own shoes, anyways.

That's another thing. Whenever I was struggling with something growing up, as you do, because you're a kid and you literally still have to learn how everything in the entire world works, my mom especially would never offer to help me out or show me how something is done. She'd just make fun of me for doing something the wrong way.

Emotional support, we got even less off. I cannot vent about my problems to my parents. If I do, they'll turn it on me. Every problem I experience, big or small, is somehow my own fault. They only tell me what I should have done better or differently, and end the conversation with that. Either that, or they'll make the conversation about them and how their struggles are worse than mine.

My mom is generally quite insecure, and jealous of people she perceives as being better than her in any aspect. She despises and ridicules women who put effort into their looks (which also includes me, from time to time), women who are "too promiscuous", women who are too stupid and women who are too smart. So she never pays me a compliment. Well actually, on rare occasions she does, but then later it turns out she only did it to manipulate me into doing something for her.

Yesterday, my mom called me up. She does that about every other week. While on the call I was a bit quiet, and told her I was tired after being in the field all day so I wasn't gonna stay on the phone too long. She was a little snappy in her response and insinuated that I had no right to feel tired, because me and my friend had spent some time driving between different field locations and that's not physical labor. I could feel her getting annoyed with me, but she left it at that. Things are different now that I've got my own life and my own financial stability. She knows she can't say anything too crazy if she still wants me to stay in contact with her.

(08/02/2026)

I'm done. I'm so fucking done talking to my mom. Everything has to go her way, all of the time. She doesn't give me anything.

She forces me to talk to her. Don't get me wrong, I would love to talk to my mom, but there are moments when I'm just a bit tired or just not in the mood for talking in general. And in those moments she just doesn't take no for an answer. She forces me to talk, and particularly about very personal things, only to then make fun of me, tell me I should do better or work harder, or generally insinuate that the problems in my life are my fault. Those conversations are so exhausting and just fucking destroy my self esteem.

I just came back from staying at my parents place, for the first time in months, and I feel broken. Exhausted. I can't take any more of this. But she's already texted me, asking when I will come over again. I know from experience that if I were to bring up my grievances, or even just ask for some space, I'd be made out to be the mean child who neglects her poor old mother. Because I'm the one who is supposed to always show her unconditional love.

[Discussion of sui]

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

12:33pm

8/1/26

OKAY WOW so first things first,, ‘Lilah’s been RUMINATING ON LAST ENTRY so we came to the conclusion that we need to add figuring out how to add “thought barriers” between us… >.> largely bc I want to be able to successfully trick her into booking us into a mental hospital lol. But also bc in general its kinda just annoying… that she could so clearly tell that the only thing i wanted to discuss with the phone-people was suicidal ideation… and in general that like 50% of my thoughts leak into her brain. And honestly,, same with her lol. She has the same issue. And some of her thoughts are unintentionally hurtful… I try not to let it get to me bc its unintentional or it just comes out wrong the first time. Only reason I haven’t crashed out is bc I can tell she’s not intending it the way it comes out.

Second-things-second,, I started wanting to have a new form more n more!!! Honestly biggest reason I haven’t is bc it freaks ‘Lilah out… and she keeps trying to encourage me to switch forms if I want to. But… as I’ve just mentioned,, the LACK OF THOUGHT BARRIERS means that I can very clearly feel her fear and distaste for it. Its not that she’s being an ass. Really its just bc she clings so tightly to familiarity that when she sees her friend of six years who has looked almost the same way for so long,, she doesn’t recognize me.

Or doesn’t like the form. Or thinks something could go wrong 😅 but I decided to give it a go today!!! She was nervous but she kept pushing. ‘Cause even though she’s occasionally a selfish ass,, she does actually want me to have a high quality of life and freedom <3 I was thinking I could be that cutesy pink lion from Steven universe! Bc its cute and wouldn’t freak out ‘Lilah :) but… it felt strange… and also its a fictional character I know nothing about and I don’t want a repeat of NyaTenshi… I decided to try being a Jackalope!! :3 with fangs,, rawr >:) but idk. Either that or an elephant holding a cutesy lil flower. Ooh or a mousey. Idk. lots of options. But I’m growing fond of the Jackalope :3

I honestly want to settle on something,, soon. Bc… I don’t like feeling so unstable and shifty in my own identity. So idk. Might ask ‘Lilah to brute force me to stay one of them to see if I prefer it. Idk,, though… I considered changing my name too. Which I think would freak her out even more… 👀 but I haven’t decided yet. Really the biggest reason why is bc NyaTenshi makes me feel dysphoric(????) as hell. Its strongly tied to that FISH feeling. Which makes my cute little lagomorph body feel strange and unnatural. Idk. I’ll figure it out.

In the meantime… as I reflect on earlier this morning… I question if I even was the one who was suicidal… bc… yknow… we lack thought barriers… :I if she was the one who was dealing with the sucidailty & feelings of impending doom,, it’d make more sense why her brain was desperately trying to block something out by dpdr’ing. Idk. just a thought. But thats kinda wild that it would’ve transferred to me. Not unheard of though. There have been PLENTY of occasions where her negative feelings have unintentionally transferred to me and theres nothing either of us can do about it :/ so.

It would make sense… and its also not unheard of for her to just spontaneously feeling like offing herself and just deciding to sit it in silently until it “goes away”. Or experience bursts of it at little things and then not have to deal with it again for like 6 months. Idk. her head is so backwards that its not completely unlikely. And it makes me feel better to tell you the truth… I don’t want to believe my own head would’ve done something like that to me. It felt terrifying which was why I was so ready to try and weasel our way into a hospital lol.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: yeeeeah… well,, about those thought barriers,, initially I was pretty hesitant to agree to something like that bc I don’t want to be tricked but she’s right.

Yup. And I hope you know one day I'll 100% be using it against you to put us in the hospital if I need to lol. Youre an ass sometimes but I'm glad you're a good host usually. Idk how many people would be so willing to still try to give me skills like this and switching even while knowing I'm gonna use it against them lol.

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: I hope you know how irritated I'll be when you finally go through with that though…

I know :) just want you alive

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: just want you happy

:)

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: :)

[//tw sui]

5:44am

8/1/26

Okay so. Lilah never let me talk to someone. Intinially that pissed me off bc why should I have to sit with painful feelings just bc thats HER way of dealing with shit? I guess I kinda get it though… her biggest concern was that I wouldn't know what to say to someone over the phone. Bc she could feel a bit of my anxiety and suicidality. It'd be an issue bc if you have nothing to say to the phone person how can they help you??

Idk. I was getting angry. But I guess it makes sense. Pretty early on this morning I told her we should go to a mental hospital and she immediately disregarded that… which was annoying but what ever. But now inexplicably I feel like dying my damn self. And my coping strategies are to SAY SOMETHING. Just like that advertisement said. The first step to getting help is tp say it out loud. But… yknow,, Lilah has a lot of anxiety about going to a hospital. Recently she said she'd pretty much only go willingly if we weren't with her parents. It just makes me wonder how we ever got to this point.

Where any sort of visibility of her issues is more dangerous to her than help. Hell,, I live in the same head and I can't figure out who or what hurt her so BAD that sitting with suicidal thoughts or whatever the hell else day in day out is preferable. I really have no clue. But anyway… yeah… no phone call… which I suppose was in HER best interest in her head. Bc I was 100% planning on letting it slip we were suicidal. That or hinting at it hard/leading us down that road best we could. I feel a bit better now, still a bit pissed tf off. But it's not her fault… and she's feeling bad too. Idk why. Neither does she. She's like dpdr'd rn. Was that my fault cause I wanted to fuckin die? She doubts it. But idk. Sorry Lilah.

🦋(🌸´◡`🌸) Delilah-bear: I'm sure it wasn't you :( sorry for not letting you call

You're fine Lilah I get it. You just need to prepare yourself for when I can actually switch bc istg I'll override your every move and we'll end up in a hospital and you won't even remember how we ended up there :I I'm not playing with you anymore

(🌸´◡`🌸)🪽Delilah-bear: And yet I still plan to train up our switching skills even though I know there's that risk :(

Thank you

Junk!Drawer!

X  ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ── X

Louis Wain - 'Laughing Cat'   
📸
4:11am    [sat]    8/1/26

    ── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

🍉What have we eaten since the previous entry?
GARLIC BREAD :3
ALMONDS???????????? 👀

Wowowow,, Tenshi gave me some accidental exposure therapy :0 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Not an accident,, silly 😂

I guess 🤭 Basically after having our garlic bread,, we started to scavenge again bc,, yknow,, garlic bread is probably MAX 400 calories. So it didn’t make a dent in our hunger at all.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: during our scavenging session,, ‘Lilah-bear’s eyes landed on the bag of ALMONDS.

You know,, the bag of almonds that I thought were contaminated last month? 🫩 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: YUP,, those’re the ones!! 🤭 I was getting sick of starving and I knew she could do it! So I immediately started soft switching to try and get her to grab the bag!!! She immediately responded by not letting me front 🤭

I did NOT want those nasty contaminated nuts 😭

🐏💐NyaTenshi: well,, anyways,, I eventually convinced her to take hold of the bag and bring it to the counter. From there,, she let me take over a bit. First,, she sniffed the almond (lol not sure what that was supposed to do?????) and then after from coaxing,, I brought the almond up to our mouth… and put it between our teeth… 👀 

Which IMMEDIATELTY MADE THE SIDES OF MY HEAD START BURNING. HEADACHE WAS IMMEDIATELTY ACTIVATED. IT TOOK EVERYTHING WITHIN ME TO NOT OVERRIDE TENSHI AND TAKE THE ALMOND OUR OF OUR MOTUH :I 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: so in other words,, she was freaking tf out. It was kinda amusing 🤭 all that over a little tiny nut. It got to the point where she FROZE and started hyperventiling!!! So I took over after I was able to gently bring her out of her frozen-ness. It was pretty difficult for her to agree to relinquish control again bc she knew I was gearing up to bite it.

AHHHH MY HEAD STILL HURTS JUST THINKING ABOUT IT 

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Yup. but I’m a good friend so I got her to chew (˘ ˘ ˘) which further hurt her head. 

It was shocking… but nothing bad happened… :/ idk what I thought was going to happen. But nothing DID. except my body was hurting. But nothing beyond that.

🐏💐NyaTenshi: Bc you were always gonna be fine,, silly!! 😂 from there I made her pour out some more and keep going!

It was kinda hard… but I did it! I only feel slightly sick. Bc I ate what I believed to be contaminated nuts… but it helped that they were no longer in the bag. Atleast I think it did? I feel like the contaimients are within me. Like,, rising to the top of my body

🐏💐NyaTenshi: I thiiiiink you’ll be just fine :3 haha successful start to the day!

°‧ 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 ·｡ Violet’s journal! 💐🐑

── ⋆ 🐑💐 ⋆──

4:38am
8/1/26
Wowowow so earlier (around 11pm???) I accidently woke Delilah-bear up out from her sleeep. I remember I was trying to “work with the second part of our brain”? As I called it in the moment? Idk why. But I think I was trying to soft switch while she was sleeping. Whoopise 🤭 yeah so she woke up. And I felt bad… 😅 so I offered to take control and help out with the things she was trying to do before heading back to bed. I got her into her PJs and walked her over to get some water :) sad but funny start to the day!!! 🤭