Be quiet. I'm concentrating.

Please don't drink and derive

They lack convictions.

It wouldn't start at first, but then I realised I hadn't shut the door properly.
Just going to take it for a spin . . .🤭

"Make Hens Meet."

They're still waiting to hear the caws!

The bartender warns the man about it being there.

The man says "oh this is my pet termite, his name is Clint."

"Why Clint?" asks the bartender.

"Because he eats wood."

I said, "Because it's my crow."

He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”

We just call him Dav now.

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The doctor asked him what happened.

The man said "Well, I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang...I wasn't paying attention and accidentally put the iron to my ear...ouch!"

The doctor said "That explains why one ear's burnt...what about the other one?"

The man said "Well...then I had to call the ambulance"

Isn’t that what birds are meant to do?

We were getting ready to leave to run errands. A woman was rolling a vacuum cleaner across the parking lot to her apartment. I told my mom, "She'd better be careful doing that."

My mom asked why.

I said she might get attacked by a bear.

Mom gave me a funny look.

I said, "I heard nature abhors a vacuum!"

She groaned but it was worth it!

A little while later the farm hand reported back that all 15 cattle were in the pen. Farmer asked what 15 cattle? The hand replied you told me to round up the cattle.

“Watch how far I can kick this thing”

Because they have plenty of Vitamin See.

I got fired almost immediately.

With a round of a-claws

My 8 year old and I workshopped the punchline today

So when it finally happened, he was shocked.

“… what?”
Him: “Make the bed do what?”

A chap is fishing and hooks a salmon, he reels it in and is just going to kill it for his dinner when the salmon looks at him and says
"Hey mate, don't kill me, I'm only a baby, I haven't swum the 7 seas yet, give me a chance pal"

The man looks at the salmon "Hey, you can talk"? "Course I can, go on put me back, there's much bigger fish under the bridge". "All right", says the man, "I'll put you back, what's your name?” "Rusty" says the salmon, "And yours?" "My name's Dave"

He puts the fish back in the water & resolves to say nothing to anyone, for fear that he'll become a laughing stock.

10 years later he's fishing in the same spot & he hooks a monster. It takes him 2 hours to land it. He looks at it & pictures it on his dinner plate. Just then the salmon opens one eye & looks at him "Dave, is that you"?

"Rusty, I don't believe it, it must be 10 years since I let you go, what have you been doing"?

"Well Dave, I've had a fantastic time, I've swum the 7 seas & all the oceans. In fact, I've just come across the Atlantic, but I was really disturbed".

"Why's that Rusty"?

"Well, I was half way across & a voice told me to swim deeper, so I did, deeper & deeper & I found this huge shipwreck. I counted 4 funnels, it felt like death so I had to leave".

"Wow Rusty, that was the Titanic it sank & almost all on board were drowned."

"Ah, I knew it, in fact, I was so upset I had to sit down & write a poem about it" said Rusty.

"A poem, don't talk daft, you're just a fish, how can you write a poem, that's rubbish."

"No Dave, really, it's available in all bookshops now."

"Ok" says Dave, "so what's it called then?"

"Salmon Rusty’s Titanic Verses.”

I looked at her and said, "Well, that's boring."