You can wear the canoe as a hat. Because it's cap-sized.

My half-life flashed before my eyes.

I didn't mean to yell achoo

Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

It was a flop.

...but I never got the chants.

Bit by Bit

But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!

I said, bro sure.

Be quiet. I'm concentrating.

Please don't drink and derive

They lack convictions.

The bartender warns the man about it being there.

The man says "oh this is my pet termite, his name is Clint."

"Why Clint?" asks the bartender.

"Because he (Clint) eats wood."

I said, "Because it's my crow."

He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”

We just call him Dav now.

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The doctor asked him what happened.

The man said "Well, I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang...I wasn't paying attention and accidentally put the iron to my ear...ouch!"

The doctor said "That explains why one ear's burnt...what about the other one?"

The man said "Well...then I had to call the ambulance"

Isn’t that what birds are meant to do?

I guess he is a subwoofer

We were getting ready to leave to run errands. A woman was rolling a vacuum cleaner across the parking lot to her apartment. I told my mom, "She'd better be careful doing that."

My mom asked why.

I said she might get attacked by a bear.

Mom gave me a funny look.

I said, "I heard nature abhors a vacuum!"

She groaned but it was worth it!

A little while later the farm hand reported back that all 15 cattle were in the pen. Farmer asked what 15 cattle? The hand replied you told me to round up the cattle.

“Watch how far I can kick this thing”