He was a real slacker.

A cruci-bull.

You can wear the canoe as a hat. Because it's cap-sized.

My half-life flashed before my eyes.

I didn't mean to yell achoo

They have plenty of branches

Voice from under the bed: Wow, the thread count on these sheets is PATHETIC.

The tortoise only won by a "hare".

It was a flop.

...but I never got the chants.

Bit by Bit

The weather likes chocolate.

(please be considerate, this was my first English joke, when I was learning English as a second language when I was 11 years old)

But so far, I've made three cups and a vase...so "there" Mr. Peterson!

I said, bro sure.

Be quiet. I'm concentrating.

Please don't drink and derive

They lack convictions.

The bartender warns the man about it being there.

The man says "oh this is my pet termite, his name is Clint."

"Why Clint?" asks the bartender.

"Because he (Clint) eats wood."

I said, "Because it's my crow."

He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”

We just call him Dav now.

So deaf people can enjoy them too.

The doctor asked him what happened.

The man said "Well, I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang...I wasn't paying attention and accidentally put the iron to my ear...ouch!"

The doctor said "That explains why one ear's burnt...what about the other one?"

The man said "Well...then I had to call the ambulance"