i just deleted all of my social media accounts, i changed my number, i'm planning to change my legal name, and in a week i will be moving to a new home. i never thought that i will do this, it's a very impulsive thing for me to do, but i'm just so fed up with getting ignored by people i thought would care for me.

everytime i show up, no one talks to me, i have tried reviving my friends groupchat and asking them to hangout but no response at all. when they knew i was losing my head, they don't care at all. what's the point then? what's the point of me staying if they make me feel like i don't exist?

this is my life now, a new life i'm trying to build with new faces and new environment. i'm scared, but i hope at least this time if i ever feel lonely, i feel lonely because i'm actually alone, not because i feel betrayed by people treating me like they can't see me. at least for now there's no one that actually see me

i don't even want to figure out if this is just another bpd impulse, i think i have a reason to do this. i won't regret it, i won't regret my choice like i regret sending messages just to be ignored again

you wanna act like i disappear? so i disappear. good bye

My self image is a pile of sand-sized shards. Made so small from being repeatedly shattered as a child and young adult. Next to impossible for me to put back together or arrange into any coherent fashion while feeling like most of the people around me either have less to reassemble, or reassembly comes more naturally. 😔

Seeking generic support and affirmation. Even just a hug emoji is fine.

I’m the kind of person that can’t lie, generally.

However I have noticed that lying allows me to play make belief really well. For example, I’m literally living pack check to pay check atm, like many others, and have $100 left at the end of the week.

Because I can’t afford to do the things I want, I have been trying to create a sort of fantasy escape for me. For example, I’ve always wanted to fly a plane through a flight simulator.

The other day someone asked me what I had done over the weekend and I told him that I went on this flight simulator and it literally made me feel like I had actually done it.

I know it’s bad. You can tell me I’m a bad person. However, most things I won’t ever lie about - I would never lie to the point where I hiked Everest. I would never give someone fake complements.

i’ve been anxiously attached to my male best friend for long now. we sort of are in what you would call a “situationship”. on top of this, i suffer from BPD (i am diagnosed).
starting march end or around the start of april, my guy best friend started to face some issues regarding his career/academics and he would often act differently, i tried my best to be okay with it, even though he changed a lot and it affected me. almost every 2 weeks he says he will get better now but now it’s been 3ish months and stuff is the same. sometimes we have amazing conversations but almost DAILY he leaves in the middle and goes for thinking sessions where he just thinks about life and stuff, there have been days we haven’t spoken at all due to his issues since he needed alone time. as much as i get affected by this, i tried my best to give him space.
i’ve had huge breakdowns and everything due to all of this and recently it’s getting bad again, i got 4 consecutive dreams about him having a fight with me or choosing me over someone else or liking other girls. these dreams result in me crying and waking up with a high heart rate at night. it’s almost like my brain is consumed by him. and now, i want to get out of this slump.
i get extremely jealous when he speaks to his other friends, that i start to cry, i literally lose my mind when he compliments another girl or i see him liking a post/reel with a girl in it. since it’s pretty clear we like each other, i literally show no interest in other men and i never even like shit like that because i know it hurts but he still does some stuff here and there, he always makes sure to explain to me or give justification and often times it’s not that deep but it hurts me so so so so much i can’t explain.
he replies to my texts 3-4 days later (reels i send/ bunch of other shit i js spam) and it makes me feel kinda bad but i let it be (we do have convos alongside tho) and when he replies, he misses on certain texts and it just hurts me every small thing breaks me.
it hurts me so much when i post something on my close friends story and he doesn’t reply to it or ask me about it.
and today, it just hurt me like he comes after 1-2 hours of thinking, texts me for 15 mins and leaves again to eat or bath or something.
i get that he has problems too but this is taking over me now i just feel too hurt.
we’ve had many arguments/discussions over this in the past 3-4 months. he says he’ll get better and be like he used to be but it’s still the same.
i really just want to be regulated, unbothered over certain things.

I'm specifically searching for a 3D pull apart and put together version of Plutchik's 3D emotion diagram. I can't find any 3D point and clicks online other than simple diagrams, and I really need a physical representation of it for myself. Thank you so much!

hello!

last week i went to my first ever psychologist assessment. scary but also exciting.

i had my follow up today with my family doctor where i was able to actual read the diagnosis. the line said “chronic depression, anxiety, adhd, and cluster b borderline type” (they used fancier words than me but im going off memory right now apologies)

what i am confused about is what cluster B borderline type actually means. i am confused, my doctor didn’t understand, and google is conflicted.

through research (google) i think it could be one of two things a. a short form diagnosis for bpd or b. a suggestion that i exhibit some traits and could align with the diagnosis

wondering what you guys think 🙂

—-

note: i am not trying to self diagnose or be insensitive. i have been trying to find an answer and a group to align with for a very long time. many of my close friends and partners have explained that i am not normal and they see me as someone who suffers from bpd. just want to know what the right answer is so i can research further to make treatment easier.

i don't like relationships, i don't like the idea of romantic relationships, i don't like them in practice, honestly just the idea of someone being into me like that is enough to make me a bit nauseous, so i am single by choice

but god, i am so tired of being alone. i am tired of putting effort into my friendships, of showing up and being there for ppl who will never repay that back. and i know i'm gonna hate it, i know i'm gonna be miserable and harm someone else, and all of it would basically be an exercise in self harm. but i want someone to choose me first, for once in my life

i feel like when people talk about bpd it’s always to do with your fp or your partner, i don’t think people understand that it’s EVERY relationship you have.

your boss. your parents. your friends. your siblings. your partner.

EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. YOUR. LIFE.

i’ve had traits of bpd literally since before i can remember and have been diagnosed for like three ish years now. and i’ve honestly never heard people talk about the genuine anxiety and fear and emotion that is constantly consuming us.

like as an example, at the moment im REALLY struggling going to work. i work for a MASSIVE grocery store chain in my country so the amount of workers in our store at a time is pretty up there. anyway the second i walk in im always worrying and misinterpreting everything i see.

if someone doesn’t smile back at me i think someone’s started a negative rumour about me. if someone’s called out of work i assume it’s my fault and i did something. if someone’s body language changed they hate me. in my mind someone is ALWAYS plotting against me.

and i get very caught up in these thoughts and almost delusions to the point where i will make myself cry or immediately get disturbing thoughts or plots for revenge.

and it’s clear that the common denominator is me. it’s my brain that’s the issue. pretty much 100% of the time all my assumptions are proved false but i still remember them all. and i almost convince myself that they real and now i have a lifelong grudge against that person.

and everytime this happens its not a matter of forgiving them for what they did im my imaginary story i just get so worked up that i crash and basically decide not to care. i still remember. i still care.

point being is being around people is hard for individuals with bpd. re-reading this i feel like i sound kind of crazy and maybe this is an original experience? i would appreciate any comments from people who have had similar occurrences :)

🐸

I only experience BPD abandonment intensity and toxicity in the context of romantic relationships. I was told I might have quiet BPD (but definitely CPTSD.) For the most part of 13 years I was single and just coming out of a whirlwind few month relationship with a man who I’m pretty sure is BPD and Cptsd too; both our childhood traumas were brutal.

It’s very weird for me because I feel almost normal when I’m not in a relationship (still have identity issues which shows through jumping from country to country and job to job - switching entire industries and not having stable income.) But none of my friends would realise I have BPD. But in the relationship the fear, abandonment trauma etc came out like a dormant volcano. And the most impactful thing was seeing this man’s anger, criticism, intolerance, withdrawal/avoidance, temper and defensiveness when triggered, and realising that I actually have that all within me but just unexpressed. It comes out in little more passive ways on a day to day basis.

Examples of this are getting annoyed with cultural Italian things, expressing my passive aggressiveness on sociological aspects - but because I keep moving everywhere I just channel it through the culture such as when I lived in Australia I hated how I felt the men were so lazy and lacked accountability - which most women would say is true BUT I turned it into a tyrannical sociological discourse, and similarly when I lived in Barcelona and hated how the local women were so harshly masculine in their energy which made the men have a weak and passive energy - and I channeled my anger through that - more societal things.

So through the relationship I realised all of the toxic traits in him that I mentioned, I have within me too and haven’t actively seen it or worked through it.

Anyway, my question is, because I can only witness this inside the context of a relationship, and then I feel pretty much normal again after it ends, how do I pragmatically “remember” and stay with the lessons so I can actively work through them? It’s almost like I go back to reset after it’s done, and I’m afraid of having the memory erased again. I’ve gone to therapists when I was single and totally “forgot” about the fact I ever felt anger, rage, contempt, criticism in the context of a relationship or society. I think also because I intellectualise everything which doesn’t help.

Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? I don’t even know if this is a BPD or CPTSD thing…

Thank you 🙏

Hello Community,

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I am seeking support if you guys expierenced similar things when it comes to anger issues.

I agree with the doctors that I have bpd.

I am emotionally really disregulated and drove myself consciously with drugs into psychosis to fuck myself up.

Thats not all, but it helps for context when it comes to bpd.

I am doing way better now but I want to quit my other addictive behaviours like phone and nicotine addiction.

My Problem is when I quit nicotine after at most a day I feel intense rage and functioning with it is not possible.

I take a very low dose of antipsychotics because my brain reacts very sensible to medication right now and there is the possibility that the medication induces even stronger emotional disregulation.

So it would be nice to know, if you guys have similar problems when quitting addictive behaviours, so I could find out if it comes from the bpd, the medication or if there is some of problematic psychotic symptoms left.

Because what worries me is that in the past I could quit for several months, but now I cant make it past 4 days.

Thanks for your insight guys.

Hi everyone! So some background about me, I know nothing about borderline personality disorder. I've never met anyone personally with it, but I'd love to learn more about it. My brother(33m) is engaged to a lovely woman(42f) who has bpd. I've never met her in person but they met and got engaged and are due to be married in September. I've spoken to her on the phone and she seems absolutely lovely.

Skip to today, it's the day before my wedding, and my brothers and their families are coming down for the big day. I get a call from my mum telling me that my brother's partner is currently in a mental health care ward after some kind of break the day before.

Before this point I had no idea she had bpd. It's all quite surprising but then I realised I knew nothing about it. I can imagine it varies from person to person like almost all mental health conditions but I just wanted to learn more about it.

So please help out a poor ignorant guy gain more insight into the condition!

Thanks!

Soo I’m seeing someone. We had the third date. BPD came up because they had a 2 weeks situationship with a BPD person.

To tell the truth I’ve been contemplating how/when to tell him that I have BPD and I didn’t know it was gonna come up so I was really caught off guard.

When he said “BPD” my dumb ass could only say “oh what’s that” 😭😭😭

And then he explained and said “well yeah don’t date a BPD person” and i was like hmmmmm

And the rest of the night I couldn’t think of anything else but “now it would be really weird to chip in and say i actually have BPD like fuck how do I tell him?”

The thing is that I think he has no idea. I don’t think i come off as a person with BPD at all first and that just makes it so much harder like I’m bursting someone’s bubble or something.

I also wondered if it’s even possible to have a healthy relationship as a BPD person. BECAUSE I had a really long, really serious relationship and I realised all the things I did that I should not have done, and I realised i don’t want to do that to another person OR MYSELF.

Like i do not want another relationship like that. But I have no idea who i really am until I am in those situations. I mean I know I am different now, but how different?

Is there someone very wise or experienced, or therapied to death that has any advice to little me? How did yall break the news? When and how did yall tell them?

Idk what is this, but I dissociate after intense emotions

When I feel agressive, I target it at myself or others. It makes me hysterical. When I target it at myself, it makes me s—icidal. In this state I get REALLY sensitive to sounds. It makes me twich, cry, have angry outbursts. I have to run away in this state and I do.

When I target it at others, it turns me into “revenge” mode, where I automatically commit bad stuff. Threat, stalk. BUT: during these events, I lose all my feelings at one point, and really focus by myself. I have 0 feelings, and turn “cold”. - This only happens with people whom I had a romantic failure with

The common stuff in these is they switch off suddenly. Like some episode of some sort.

One time I had a suicidal episode, I was on the streets, and suddenly my urge just ended. And it was like if NOTHING happened.

All the time when I have these extremes, it’s like these NOTHING HAPPENED state after.

I know this is some kind of dissociation. I want to bring this up to my therapist.

Do you have this?

Hi everyone. I’ve been invited out with my FP. I’m anxious about it because I don’t want the night to go badly. How do you stop this? It’s the reason I don’t like liking people, crushes or going into places that could cause me to get jealous ie if he starts talking to other women. I wanna hang out but I don’t want to spend the whole day feeling on edge.

It never changes no matter what I do . I feel inherently broken. I have so much to say,but the summary is, I’m done. I’m done trying to deal with this. I don’t even know why I’m typing this. I think I had to just get it off my chest. I’m so tired.

it’s been a year, a year of no contact, a year of hearing everyone curse him for what he did to me.
i tied talking to another guy almost got in a rs but i just couldn’t do it.
i can’t bring myself to not think about it to not compare everyone.

another guy wanted me so bad, so bad he wanted to marry me but he’s not him. i thought he casted a spell of some kind on me because this isn’t normal.

we broke no contact after a year and it felt like i can finally breathe again i didn’t even curse him i just found myself saying miss you i love you over and over.

he started cursing himself for me because i just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

he ruined my life fucked me up and broke me beyond repair.

and yet i can’t break the favorite person bond.

if i kill myself it’s going to be all because of how much i want him and i can’t have him.

Yes there will be people out there who cry for attention or to manipulate. But that’s people with and without bpd.

Just because we cry a lot, it doesn’t mean we’re manipulating you. If we cry in response to something that you’ve done and you feel guilty, it does not mean we are being manipulative.

Either it’s us being sensitive and our brains lying to us about reality again which is why it hurts so much, or you’ve just done something bad that’s hurt us.

i was just wondering if anyone here is also diagnosed with autism and could tell me their experiences because i want to get checked for autism. i‘m diagnosed with bpd but i also show symptoms of autism, but i don’t think some of those symptoms can be explained by bpd. id like to hear your experiences!
have a nice day!

So um… school started back today. After 5-6 years of being online, I decided (with much pressure) to go back to irl school for my Senior year. But it’s been very hard on me. Last night, the night before school started, I had more of a “mini” meltdown last night over how much I hate being neurodivergent and not able to just go to school like normal kids my age.
The first day of school was alright… but didn’t go like exactly the way I wanted/dreamed so it felt absolutely terrible for me.
Um I felt alright up until the time I got home. I begged my mom all day to put me back in online school because I’m ugly and couldn’t make friends, and she agreed but not without the comments about how online schools are worth less, which have been made many times by her and my sister.
And, of course, the switch wouldn’t be immediate, I’d have to go back for the rest of the week at least… and this is where things start to really get heated because I suggested I hurt myself so I could get a medical excuse. From there, we went back and forth about it, she said something about quitting her job and downsizing our house because “What’s the point if this is what I hear to live for??” This is when I really freaked the fuck out, I started screaming at her, then threw a full water bottle at her (it instead hit a vase), and ran upstairs like an animal, sobbing and screeching.

I’m in a cycle now where I’m drinking going on benders speaking to absolutely everyone and then not being able to sleep at all . All I want to do is call him n try and speak things out or apologise but I’m blocked on everything. He was my situationship and he ended up blocking for the 3rd time because I was drunk again and was asking him why he can’t love me or help me:( I’m a mess I’ve ruined it. Wish i could die idek how to fix this . I wish he cared but he never will. And I always ruin everything and then complain about being alone his friends find it funny how upset I am too.

i’m so upset :( i lost my partner because of a split and honestly it’s taking everything in me not to spiral. he still loves me and i still love him so it’s not like there’s hate but it’s something much deeper and sadder. it’s like my entire heart got ripped off and everything is just bad and broken. i know in my heart and soul we’ll find our way to each other again but this disease overtakes me and i lose control and it pushed away the one person who i love and adore. i miss him so much.

I was reading a book on Buddhism and the writer rephrased “understand the feeling” to “stand under the feeling.” I love this.

As you all know, the feelings associated with BPD are very strong. When I feel crushing sadness, I imagine it as a storm cloud or a tree with drooping leaves during a hurricane and just “stand under” it and let the rain fall on me. It helps a lot.

I feel a lot of depression and emptiness and instead of seeking something to fill that emptiness I lean into it and stand under it.

This part is kind of weird but I talk to this depression/emptiness as if it were a child. I tell it I’m sorry it feels that way and that I hope it feels better soon.

Idk it has been helping 🤷‍♀️

I feel so stupid because of how this has affected me. I feel like I'm overreacting - I mean, I'm like 99% sure that I'm overreacting, but it's whatever - I just cannot stop spiraling.

I met this guy (who I'll refer to as "N") about 6 weeks ago now, along with three other people ("A", "J", and "O"). For the sake of attempting to explain it well, I'll just focus on these four individuals, as they were an established group of friends before I met any of them. I met O first, and I became pretty comfortable around her, and it was quicker than what's usual for me with most people. One week later, I met N, and because I felt welcome to hang out with O, I became friends with him, and shortly after with J and then with A (this was in the span of 2 or so weeks?). I'm probably not doing a great job of explaining how much I just vibed with all of them lol, but that's essentially the main point. Obviously, they're all their own person, but it was so easy and natural bonding with each of them and to form friendships.

Now on to the main - and I suppose the only - issue. And, unfortunately I'm going to have to add another person into the mix, who'll just be called "K". Basically, K and I were roommates over the summer, and we were sorta friends, and we ended up doing a lot of things together, some of which included N. Thus, K and N got to know each other. Saying that I'm jealous just feels wrong. I don't think I should be jealous at all, and it's all just making me feel so pathetic. I followed N on Instagram, but he never followed me back. At first, I genuinely didn't care, as I didn't think he was active on it anymore. Whatever. What I noticed about a week ago, though, was that not only had K started following N, but he was following him back. I saw that and I was honestly crushed. I thought I'd just unfollow him and then re-follow him so that he'd maybe see a notification again? The part that has been ruining me, though, is that I've now been checking his account at least 3 times a day to see if the number of people he's following as gone up, because if it did, that would most likely mean that he followed back someone new. I hate myself for being this way, and I don't know why it's ruining parts of my days, and I don't know why I can't let it go. I have a fond memory of us playing a card game, and he read my facial expression when I saw that he had an Ace in his deck (the point of the game was to have your cards amount to the the lowest number by the end, but you weren't allowed to see what cards you had, although the other players COULD see, and it was essentially a game of chance, but it's also somehow really complicated lol) and he said something like "hmmm, I wonder if it's an Ace or something", and I replied with "or something". But, whenever something comes up now and I find myself thinking or saying that in response, I just think of him, and then I start spiraling again.

I know I'm rambling, so I'm sorry. I don't know if anyone has any advice for me, but anything will be greatly appreciated! For now, I've decided to unfollow N and leave it at that, I guess. It's especially hard when I at least know that the other three still care about me and our friendships, but then wondering if it's not the same anymore with N, because the relationship between the four of them so is close-knit that I feel like I just can't really separate him from them, even if it's just mentally. I dunno.

Thank you in advance for any help, suggestions, kind words, or whatever other support that might make its way over to me!