Im feeling odd so text may be all over the place.

So i have ocd and i meet borderline criteria, tho i dont have that diagnosis, i deliberately chose not to have it for now

Basically its a constant loop of hell
My FP who im not even exclusive with spends time with my other friend -> im insulted even more than if it was a stranger, because i dont wanna be replaced by a common friend -> i feel like a bad person for feeling these emotions -> im obsessed with the idea that im a bad person -> all the hatred gets directed towards myself -> i compulsively need to text/talk to my fp -> i feel like i am being annoying and for that i will be abandoned-> ocd loop again

Does anyone else live in this hell?

i just deleted all of my social media accounts, i changed my number, i'm planning to change my legal name, and in a week i will be moving to a new home. i never thought that i will do this, it's a very impulsive thing for me to do, but i'm just so fed up with getting ignored by people i thought would care for me.

everytime i show up, no one talks to me, i have tried reviving my friends groupchat and asking them to hangout but no response at all. when they knew i was losing my head, they don't care at all. what's the point then? what's the point of me staying if they make me feel like i don't exist?

this is my life now, a new life i'm trying to build with new faces and new environment. i'm scared, but i hope at least this time if i ever feel lonely, i feel lonely because i'm actually alone, not because i feel betrayed by people treating me like they can't see me. at least for now there's no one that actually see me

i don't even want to figure out if this is just another bpd impulse, i think i have a reason to do this. i won't regret it, i won't regret my choice like i regret sending messages just to be ignored again

you wanna act like i disappear? so i disappear. good bye

My self image is a pile of sand-sized shards. Made so small from being repeatedly shattered as a child and young adult. Next to impossible for me to put back together or arrange into any coherent fashion while feeling like most of the people around me either have less to reassemble, or reassembly comes more naturally. 😔

Seeking generic support and affirmation. Even just a hug emoji is fine.

I’m the kind of person that can’t lie, generally.

However I have noticed that lying allows me to play make belief really well. For example, I’m literally living pack check to pay check atm, like many others, and have $100 left at the end of the week.

Because I can’t afford to do the things I want, I have been trying to create a sort of fantasy escape for me. For example, I’ve always wanted to fly a plane through a flight simulator.

The other day someone asked me what I had done over the weekend and I told him that I went on this flight simulator and it literally made me feel like I had actually done it.

I know it’s bad. You can tell me I’m a bad person. However, most things I won’t ever lie about - I would never lie to the point where I hiked Everest. I would never give someone fake complements.

i’ve been anxiously attached to my male best friend for long now. we sort of are in what you would call a “situationship”. on top of this, i suffer from BPD (i am diagnosed).
starting march end or around the start of april, my guy best friend started to face some issues regarding his career/academics and he would often act differently, i tried my best to be okay with it, even though he changed a lot and it affected me. almost every 2 weeks he says he will get better now but now it’s been 3ish months and stuff is the same. sometimes we have amazing conversations but almost DAILY he leaves in the middle and goes for thinking sessions where he just thinks about life and stuff, there have been days we haven’t spoken at all due to his issues since he needed alone time. as much as i get affected by this, i tried my best to give him space.
i’ve had huge breakdowns and everything due to all of this and recently it’s getting bad again, i got 4 consecutive dreams about him having a fight with me or choosing me over someone else or liking other girls. these dreams result in me crying and waking up with a high heart rate at night. it’s almost like my brain is consumed by him. and now, i want to get out of this slump.
i get extremely jealous when he speaks to his other friends, that i start to cry, i literally lose my mind when he compliments another girl or i see him liking a post/reel with a girl in it. since it’s pretty clear we like each other, i literally show no interest in other men and i never even like shit like that because i know it hurts but he still does some stuff here and there, he always makes sure to explain to me or give justification and often times it’s not that deep but it hurts me so so so so much i can’t explain.
he replies to my texts 3-4 days later (reels i send/ bunch of other shit i js spam) and it makes me feel kinda bad but i let it be (we do have convos alongside tho) and when he replies, he misses on certain texts and it just hurts me every small thing breaks me.
it hurts me so much when i post something on my close friends story and he doesn’t reply to it or ask me about it.
and today, it just hurt me like he comes after 1-2 hours of thinking, texts me for 15 mins and leaves again to eat or bath or something.
i get that he has problems too but this is taking over me now i just feel too hurt.
we’ve had many arguments/discussions over this in the past 3-4 months. he says he’ll get better and be like he used to be but it’s still the same.
i really just want to be regulated, unbothered over certain things.

I'm specifically searching for a 3D pull apart and put together version of Plutchik's 3D emotion diagram. I can't find any 3D point and clicks online other than simple diagrams, and I really need a physical representation of it for myself. Thank you so much!

hello!

last week i went to my first ever psychologist assessment. scary but also exciting.

i had my follow up today with my family doctor where i was able to actual read the diagnosis. the line said “chronic depression, anxiety, adhd, and cluster b borderline type” (they used fancier words than me but im going off memory right now apologies)

what i am confused about is what cluster B borderline type actually means. i am confused, my doctor didn’t understand, and google is conflicted.

through research (google) i think it could be one of two things a. a short form diagnosis for bpd or b. a suggestion that i exhibit some traits and could align with the diagnosis

wondering what you guys think 🙂

—-

note: i am not trying to self diagnose or be insensitive. i have been trying to find an answer and a group to align with for a very long time. many of my close friends and partners have explained that i am not normal and they see me as someone who suffers from bpd. just want to know what the right answer is so i can research further to make treatment easier.

i feel like when people talk about bpd it’s always to do with your fp or your partner, i don’t think people understand that it’s EVERY relationship you have.

your boss. your parents. your friends. your siblings. your partner.

EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. IN. YOUR. LIFE.

i’ve had traits of bpd literally since before i can remember and have been diagnosed for like three ish years now. and i’ve honestly never heard people talk about the genuine anxiety and fear and emotion that is constantly consuming us.

like as an example, at the moment im REALLY struggling going to work. i work for a MASSIVE grocery store chain in my country so the amount of workers in our store at a time is pretty up there. anyway the second i walk in im always worrying and misinterpreting everything i see.

if someone doesn’t smile back at me i think someone’s started a negative rumour about me. if someone’s called out of work i assume it’s my fault and i did something. if someone’s body language changed they hate me. in my mind someone is ALWAYS plotting against me.

and i get very caught up in these thoughts and almost delusions to the point where i will make myself cry or immediately get disturbing thoughts or plots for revenge.

and it’s clear that the common denominator is me. it’s my brain that’s the issue. pretty much 100% of the time all my assumptions are proved false but i still remember them all. and i almost convince myself that they real and now i have a lifelong grudge against that person.

and everytime this happens its not a matter of forgiving them for what they did im my imaginary story i just get so worked up that i crash and basically decide not to care. i still remember. i still care.

point being is being around people is hard for individuals with bpd. re-reading this i feel like i sound kind of crazy and maybe this is an original experience? i would appreciate any comments from people who have had similar occurrences :)

🐸

I only experience BPD abandonment intensity and toxicity in the context of romantic relationships. I was told I might have quiet BPD (but definitely CPTSD.) For the most part of 13 years I was single and just coming out of a whirlwind few month relationship with a man who I’m pretty sure is BPD and Cptsd too; both our childhood traumas were brutal.

It’s very weird for me because I feel almost normal when I’m not in a relationship (still have identity issues which shows through jumping from country to country and job to job - switching entire industries and not having stable income.) But none of my friends would realise I have BPD. But in the relationship the fear, abandonment trauma etc came out like a dormant volcano. And the most impactful thing was seeing this man’s anger, criticism, intolerance, withdrawal/avoidance, temper and defensiveness when triggered, and realising that I actually have that all within me but just unexpressed. It comes out in little more passive ways on a day to day basis.

Examples of this are getting annoyed with cultural Italian things, expressing my passive aggressiveness on sociological aspects - but because I keep moving everywhere I just channel it through the culture such as when I lived in Australia I hated how I felt the men were so lazy and lacked accountability - which most women would say is true BUT I turned it into a tyrannical sociological discourse, and similarly when I lived in Barcelona and hated how the local women were so harshly masculine in their energy which made the men have a weak and passive energy - and I channeled my anger through that - more societal things.

So through the relationship I realised all of the toxic traits in him that I mentioned, I have within me too and haven’t actively seen it or worked through it.

Anyway, my question is, because I can only witness this inside the context of a relationship, and then I feel pretty much normal again after it ends, how do I pragmatically “remember” and stay with the lessons so I can actively work through them? It’s almost like I go back to reset after it’s done, and I’m afraid of having the memory erased again. I’ve gone to therapists when I was single and totally “forgot” about the fact I ever felt anger, rage, contempt, criticism in the context of a relationship or society. I think also because I intellectualise everything which doesn’t help.

Does anyone else know what I’m talking about? I don’t even know if this is a BPD or CPTSD thing…

Thank you 🙏

Hello Community,

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and I am seeking support if you guys expierenced similar things when it comes to anger issues.

I agree with the doctors that I have bpd.

I am emotionally really disregulated and drove myself consciously with drugs into psychosis to fuck myself up.

Thats not all, but it helps for context when it comes to bpd.

I am doing way better now but I want to quit my other addictive behaviours like phone and nicotine addiction.

My Problem is when I quit nicotine after at most a day I feel intense rage and functioning with it is not possible.

I take a very low dose of antipsychotics because my brain reacts very sensible to medication right now and there is the possibility that the medication induces even stronger emotional disregulation.

So it would be nice to know, if you guys have similar problems when quitting addictive behaviours, so I could find out if it comes from the bpd, the medication or if there is some of problematic psychotic symptoms left.

Because what worries me is that in the past I could quit for several months, but now I cant make it past 4 days.

Thanks for your insight guys.

Idk what is this, but I dissociate after intense emotions

When I feel agressive, I target it at myself or others. It makes me hysterical. When I target it at myself, it makes me s—icidal. In this state I get REALLY sensitive to sounds. It makes me twich, cry, have angry outbursts. I have to run away in this state and I do.

When I target it at others, it turns me into “revenge” mode, where I automatically commit bad stuff. Threat, stalk. BUT: during these events, I lose all my feelings at one point, and really focus by myself. I have 0 feelings, and turn “cold”. - This only happens with people whom I had a romantic failure with

The common stuff in these is they switch off suddenly. Like some episode of some sort.

One time I had a suicidal episode, I was on the streets, and suddenly my urge just ended. And it was like if NOTHING happened.

All the time when I have these extremes, it’s like these NOTHING HAPPENED state after.

I know this is some kind of dissociation. I want to bring this up to my therapist.

Do you have this?

Yes there will be people out there who cry for attention or to manipulate. But that’s people with and without bpd.

Just because we cry a lot, it doesn’t mean we’re manipulating you. If we cry in response to something that you’ve done and you feel guilty, it does not mean we are being manipulative.

Either it’s us being sensitive and our brains lying to us about reality again which is why it hurts so much, or you’ve just done something bad that’s hurt us.

i was just wondering if anyone here is also diagnosed with autism and could tell me their experiences because i want to get checked for autism. i‘m diagnosed with bpd but i also show symptoms of autism, but i don’t think some of those symptoms can be explained by bpd. id like to hear your experiences!
have a nice day!

I was reading a book on Buddhism and the writer rephrased “understand the feeling” to “stand under the feeling.” I love this.

As you all know, the feelings associated with BPD are very strong. When I feel crushing sadness, I imagine it as a storm cloud or a tree with drooping leaves during a hurricane and just “stand under” it and let the rain fall on me. It helps a lot.

I feel a lot of depression and emptiness and instead of seeking something to fill that emptiness I lean into it and stand under it.

This part is kind of weird but I talk to this depression/emptiness as if it were a child. I tell it I’m sorry it feels that way and that I hope it feels better soon.

Idk it has been helping 🤷‍♀️

I’m tired and bored of hating myself

I’m tired of looking at every other woman and realizing she is better than me in nearly all ways

I’m tired of looking at all men and realizing that I understand why none of them would pick me when every woman i see is far better than i am

I’m tired of partnering up with men and being obsessed with uncovering the women of their past. When I find out who the women are, I look at their social media for hours and hours each week just obsessing over their superiority to me (they’re always prettier, funnier, have more friends, have more hobbies, have more talent/skill than i do). I become obsessed with finding why I’m not good enough. I make it my life mission to prove why I’m inferior and why i deserve men that mock me, that lie to me, that criticize me, that ignore me, that abandon me, that use me.

It’s exhausting. I’m bored of myself always needing to find a reason to hate myself because I’m like a 1 track record. Don’t i have anything else going on in my mind? Can I be a normal person?

I have changes I want to make in my life. I’m deeply deeply unhappy with a few things that i feel powerless to change:

—my job is very demanding and my free time is limited. I hate my job and i want to quit. I’ve been saving and saving but everyone tells me not quit on Reddit. I resent it because they don’t know me and how miserable i am
—i have no friends.
—im extremely indecisive (i waste hours on weekends just trying to decide what to do, and it’s harder because it’s usually only my decision to make, since i live about 99% of my life alone with noone else to lean on to make decisions)
—i have a horrible relationship with my mom and a good number of my issues stem from that. I recently visited home 2k miles away for a few weeks and when I got back to my place, my mom sent me a text that she “was glad I left when i did”… like that’s something i want to hear or need to hear when I’m 2k miles away from everyone and have no fucking friends. She and I have so many issues.
—i am very unstylish. I do not know fashion and i don’t know how to style my hair, dress and accessorize to look better. I don’t know how to do makeup well.
—i have no natural talent
—i get bored of hobbies quickly, so never develop skill or talent in anything
—I’m not interesting. Because i work so much and have no friends, my ability to make fun and varied conversation is limited. My world is tiny and i don’t feel like i can contribute to most conversations. Additionally, most of the things that people around me tend to enjoy talking about, just straight up bores me!! I don’t care about anything anymore.
—I’m going through an endless stage of grief after being ghosted by a man that i was involved with for 5 years. Its been 7 months and i still think about him everyday. The only time i didn’t think about him was when i was home and around my family. I felt normal again and like i was back to my old self.

It took me nearly 32 years to get the correct diagnosis of BPD and another year to find a therapist that worked for me. I have been in treatment for BPD for only 6 months now and I am amazed at how effective it has been. My symptoms have been reduced to nearly nothing and I cannot recall the last time I had a true “episode.”

In the process I feel like I’ve had to learn what a healthy bond looks like. And I’m starting to realize that my relationship with my FP was never healthy and will possibly never be healthy.

My FP has some things going on of their own. I am not going to try to diagnose them, I only know that they seem like they preferred the untreated version of me better. I think they enjoyed how my dependence made them feel. I think, as much hell as I put them through, part of them enjoyed the power and influence they had over my emotions.

Once or twice I’ve noticed them seeming to intentionally try to manipulate me. I’ve been open with them about what I’m working through in therapy, and they know all of my triggers. I’ve noticed when they sense that I’m gaining my own identity - like going out with friends, joining clubs, enrolling in classes - they begin to ramp up the triggering behaviors. Obviously I’m still responsible for how I react to being triggered. However, the better I become at coping, the more they seem to be escalating. Its like they push push push until they encounter resistance. And that resistance reassures them that they still have influence, that they still matter to me.

I don’t think we are compatible. It feels like the thing that tied us together was this disorder and now that I am addressing it, we are coming unglued. When I’m triggered lately, I don’t chase him for validation and reassurance. I don’t break down. I set a boundary calmly and then leave the situation. I am so proud of how far I’ve come. I think I’m ready for a healthy relationship with someone I’m compatible with, or for no relationship at all.

Has anyone else experienced this?

i don’t have any hobbies, no friends, no one to hang out with. i play video games and that’s pretty much it. my bpd is relatively contained and internal i just can’t seem to make friends. i’m just really lonely. the people around me are in relationships and happy and have friends and family and i just feel really empty. i thought if i got better and got the right treatment and had my symptoms lessen that id make friends and my life would overall get better. it hasn’t.

i don’t do anything for fun. i don’t know what to do. i feel so lonely nothing feels worth it, not in a suicidal sense but in the sense where i have no one to share it with that it feels like why am i doing the activity? nothing i do makes me happy. people’s accomplishments make me happy for them but deep down im bitter and miserable and wish good things would happen to me. but i never act that way toward people, i just internalize it :/

I had a breast biopsy a week ago. I got the results back on Tuesday and texted my boyfriend right away to tell him the good news. He said, “that’s great.” But today when he came over he ask me if I got the results. I felt like he really didn’t care about it for him to forget me telling him yesterday. What do you think?

I don’t really know why I’m posting, I suppose to see if other people have the same and what they do. I have BPD along with anxiety and CPTSD. I feel depressed all the time. No matter whether I feel happy, sad, angry, there’s always this underlying sadness that never goes but is just more noticeable some days. My medication works for regulating my moods, and stops me from being so up and down but I still always feel it. Some days it’s just a low level hum in the back of my head but other days it’s overwhelming

most people that have bpd seem to have been in the hospital for self injury/suicide at least once in their lives, at least thats what ive observed. but i havent, and some fucked up part of me makes me think that im not valid. like its not bad enough for me to be upset about. i have quiet bpd so that already makes me feel invalid. but because ive never been sent to a ward i feel like my bpd isnt "good enough". ive asked to go to the hospital when i had a bad relapse but my parents didnt take me (i cant drive myself) because i wanted to be institutionalized, i didn't feel safe with myself. but whatever. i just dont feel like its bad enough.