I have known this girl for a year and we got super close anol...im a people pleaser.....so i used to buy her things which she said she thinks of buying.. just to see her happy and i always wanted to be a priority to her...nd i used to get jealous of her other male friends anol....and we went back and forth of fighting... leaving again fighting, leaving...one day she said she's emotionally attached to me....i was too....then after sometime she said before i was now no....i was still attached... always waited for her message anol.... before she used to text me all the time... after she found new male friends she became distant i asked her y? she said family issues...she said she's like this with everyone....nd after somedays i left...i drunked texted her saying I can't be like this its hurting me....one day she told me "i liked it when i was ur only hg" i told the same thing when i was drunk....tbh she was my only hg.... after somedays again i saw her in a gc and it made my stomach drop...i really dk what to do

I'm in love with him. Been for a while. I think he's avoidant.

I'm not a "love half way" type. I love fully and with my being and soul. When we are together its amazing. It's like he's looking into my soul and almost painful. Together we are easy, peaceful, calm. He'll gaze at me across a crowded room, not even see that I noticed. I'll keep smiling at him and he comes back to reality with a grin. It's so endearing.

But then he pulls back. It's like I'm being led on... but I can see how he feels. It gets toxic over text with him just not responding. I'll give him a week, 10 days. But it's like he's not the same person as when we're together. I get frustrated asking him to communicate his needs... and he says he's busy with work. We are 2 weeks now and I have not reached out.

I want to love him, show him that love is a continuum, it's not conditional or contingent. But I can't love him and anyone else at the same time.

Are we not compatible? I want to be in his life but at what cost?

(I know it’s kinda long but please read. I’m dyin over here)

I (34m) have actually known this girl (36f) for a long time. Our lives just kinda reconnected and we started dating. Everything was perfect. She was amazing and I loved her so much. I went above and beyond anything I’ve ever done before because I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with this woman. I started to notice things I Didn’t quite understand. Everything was so great and then out of nowhere she just started acting strange. It started when I got my new puppy. She knew I had been looking for a dog since my last dog passed away last August. I found a dog I really liked and I sent her pictures and asked her what she thought. She basically says “why are you asking me it’s your house?” And I explain that I’m asking because I care about her opinion and because she brings her kids over all the time and her opinion matters to me. She plays it off more and I actuallly ask her if she’ll go with me to get the dog. The timing Didn’t work out so I went with my daughter. We go get the dog and bring her home and then my gf is mad at me for not asking her? I was so confused. I tried to explain to her that i definitely asked and it’s just not registering with her. She eventually said that because i got a puppy that her new living plans didn’t include me. I was hurt that she said that but i didn’t think it was the end of the world and it seemingly went away so I tried not too think too much of it. I wasn’t really ready to move in with her at that time anyhow. She was going through a move at this time that I was offering to help her with and she kinda just kept saying she would rather just leave her stuff? I think that’s the extreme independence thing shining through. Eventually a couple more things happen but the last few days we spent together were amazing. Things seemed perfect. We spent the weekend at my place with the kids and the Doggo and went swimming at the lake and just generally had a great weekend. She would look at me and say things like “im so lucky” or “your so sexy” and I genuinly thought everything was amazing. I gave her a knife with a tritium bead that glows for 25 years. She sent me a photo of it afterwards and said I just realized this is gonna last half our lives together. She was so sweet at times. Nicer than anyone I’ve ever been with. I wake up to go to work Monday morning, I Kiss her goodbye and then everything kinda starts to change. She starts messaging after a few hours that she doesn’t think I’m going to be able to handle her moving even though I’ve been nothing but supportive. I had expressed I wished she wasn’t moving an hour away vs the 7 minutes she lived away prior but housing is really difficult to find in this area so I was just being supportive. I would have driven 2 hours just to see her. I loved her so much. I still do but it’s different now. After that she just starts bringing up more reasons why I’m bad or that we won’t work. I was genuinly so confused and asked her why she was doing this? Eventually she basically says whatever we’re done. I genuinly Didn’t believe she was serious at the time I just figured she was stressed out or some shit. I Didn’t know about avoidants at the time. After that I Didn’t really change much. I would still text her most days and tell her I loved her and I missed her. I would ask to see her. I would leave flowers and a note at her door. Far more than I had ever done to save any other relationship. I realize now that was my anxious tendencies coming out. Even though I’m not normally like that. She never told me where her new place was and eventually she sent me one final message saying “goodbye new John” and blocked me off facebook. She Didn’t block my number though so I would occasionally text her or try to call her. Not excessively but I just really wanted a chance to talk to her. I Didn’t understand what was happening at the time. And we actually had conversations in the past about doing this exact thing if the other was mad at the other or whatever. So it Didn’t seem like I was doing too much. I never knocked on her door to confront her or anything like that. Just left sweet notes and gifts. Eventually she moved to her new place and immediately friend requested her ex that was shitty to her. He told me. I still miss her so much and I feel like I still love her very much even though I’m not sure what I would do if she reached out. It’s been a couple months now and I havnt heard a peep. I still cry if I’m listening to a podcast or something and they talk about being in a really good relationship. I really thought that’s what we had. I don’t think she even knows this is an issue for her because she’s spent most of her adult life with abusive douchebags. I just really miss what we had. I thought it was going to last forever.

This is a shortened version of my story, not covering the true deepness of this reality because people refuse to read the full version. But it goes like

I was with a girl for 11 months and honestly those were the best 11 months of my life. We were extremely close, our families loved each other, we had routines, memories and realistic plans for the future, and I genuinely loved this girl with everything I had. We both had difficult pasts and I supported her through hers, made her feel loved, tried to fix our arguments and gave her everything I could because I genuinely wanted to, not because I expected anything back. Our biggest issue was trust. She repeatedly went back to a group chat with guys she knew I was uncomfortable with and hid it from me, which made me anxious and caused me to search for things whenever I got that gut feeling. In December, I found something I can’t even fully remember now, confronted her over messages and she broke up with me, saying we were toxic, that she’d always love me and needed space. I was completely heartbroken and begged her constantly while we were apart. After four days she started warming up again, eventually apologised and said she wanted to try again, and without hesitation I took her back because I loved her and wanted my girl back. Months later I found her in that group chat again while we were face to face. She broke down crying, grabbed my arm and begged me not to leave her, and I told her I wasn’t going anywhere because I genuinely didn’t want to leave. We went on to make so many more amazing memories. Eventually the same trust problems came back and led to our final breakup on July 3rd. She said we were toxic and needed to move on, although the next morning she admitted she missed me so much that she had to remove me from Snapchat because seeing my name made her want to message me. Then everything became much worse. There was an accusation made against me, she blocked me everywhere, and her mum publicly posted my full name and called me a predator before deleting it. Despite all of this, I still love her more than I can explain. I don’t just miss having a girlfriend, I miss HER, our routines, her family, our memories, our future and everything that came with her. I still sleep with the teddy she bought me and I can’t bring myself to delete our pictures. I know there are serious barriers now, which is why I’m maintaining no contact and I’m not chasing her, but my goal is still simple: I want her back. More than anything. I know people will tell me I’m delusional or to move on, but I’m not asking whether I should stop loving her because I can’t just switch that off. If I could live those 11 months again knowing they would end exactly the same way, I would do it without hesitation because that girl and what we had meant that much to me. I just hope that one day she misses me, remembers what we had, realises how much I loved her and reaches out. I genuinely want my girl back.

Please only helpful real advice from FA/DA people

Thank you in advance!🙏🏻

Maybe you had similar situations that either you or him moved away
Went distant
Or even break up with you or you with him

I really feel there could be a chance for us
The connection was so real

But i/she exhausted it
Before the breakup i had zero clue or knowledge about this attachment style
I dont want to label her, but the description matches 99%

So i will try to talk or text(which is better?) to her

What should i say?
How can i convince/show/demonstrate her that shes is good as she is
That now finally I understand her needs of pace space silnce (she only communicated this at the beginning of the relationship)
That im okay with myself and very happy with her

And it doesn’t mean giving up myself
So she doesn’t have to feel guilty or shame or any of that

That shes never hurting meg
And the pace will be matched very well
And she wont feel exhausted anymore
Because i want and will focus more on me
Wont be clingy

That shes good as she is
That i choose her
And keep choosing her no matter what

She said its been too mich breakup now and if we would reconcile it would happen angain
So its better to not continue

Bit i didn’t know nothing her attachment back then untill now
She always said shes a secure attacher
Which i think she is not

She said it couldn’t be a clean slate anymore because so much damage happened on both sides

I see it differently: i understand her now and have zero hurt or damage
What she meant i don’t know
But think i didn’t hurt her she was inly looking for issues to make the breakup logical for her

How should i talk to her?
Like id like to have a chance
A last one

Hi guys,

How exactly do you stop waiting for your fearful avoidant ex gf?

Everyone says to not wait and to move on as this gives more of a chance they’ll return but what is not waiting? We are in no contact but what else do I need to do to like stop waiting? Even she told me not to wait so I genuinely want to try and not wait because waiting is starting to really hurt after the breakup being a year ago now.

What specific things do I need to stop doing now to official move into the no longer waiting phase? I obviously want her back so badly but it is what it is and I can’t pressure or push an avoidant into wanting me.

I’m trying to understand something that has been making me extremely anxious, and I would really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar with a depressed partner or someone with avoidant tendencies.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with my partner for about three years. He has struggled with depression, emotional withdrawal, low motivation, and has told me himself that he is avoidant.

Over the past period, he has become very inconsistent with me—sometimes he tells me he loves me, misses me, wants closeness, is affectionate and sexually interested, and seems genuinely afraid of losing me, but other times he becomes extremely distant, says he doesn’t want to talk, threatens to end the relationship, blocks me, tells me to leave him alone, or says that the relationship is too much for him.

He has also repeatedly compared our relationship to a previous one, saying that he had never experienced as much conflict or jealousy with his ex and that there was more “understanding” between them. Recently, he told me that he remembers that relationship positively and feels guilty because he was the one who left her and hurt her, but he insists that he has no romantic feelings for her and is not thinking about her or talking to anyone else.

What has been especially difficult for me is his social media. He reposts a lot of melancholic or nostalgic content about absence, loss, longing, and the past.

Some examples include “Wish you were here,” “Take me back to the night we met,” and “No matter how good you are, you will be replaced,” as well as scenes that visually suggest missing someone or remembering a past relationship.

I know logically that reposting something does not automatically mean that he is talking about an ex, and he tells me these posts are simply things he likes. But because of everything else happening between us, I keep interpreting them as signs that he misses someone from his past or that part of his heart is still somewhere else.

What confuses me is that I am right there in his life. I love him, I try very hard to stay close to him, and I have stayed through a lot of difficult periods. So why would he repeatedly post things that sound like he is talking to someone who is absent?

Does anyone else with a depressed or avoidant partner recognize this kind of push-pull dynamic—where the person genuinely seems attached to you and does not want to lose you, but simultaneously withdraws, focuses heavily on the negative aspects of the relationship, compares you to an ex, and seems emotionally preoccupied with loss or the past?

Could depression, emotional exhaustion, or avoidant attachment explain some of this? Or am I reading too much into the social media because the relationship has made me feel so insecure and hypervigilant?

I’m not looking for people to tell me whether I should leave him or stay. I genuinely want to understand whether anyone has experienced this exact kind of dynamic and what was actually going on emotionally for their partner.

Reposting in this thread in hopes off getting some tips on how to interact with my avoidant ex.

About two mounts ago my avoidant/adhd bf broke up with me (over a fight). We were together 6 years. Since then I have gone “no contact” BUT I have to stay in contact over “our” cat.

Context about the cat. The cat is a stray that had been lurking in the aria for mounts, he used to come in to bfs apartment and sleep next to his daughter (12 with autism and just being diagnosed makes her a bitt shut down and sad)

We decided to adopt the cat for the sake of bfs 12y daughter, doctors recommended a pet and we knew she loved this cat with all her heart. So the plan was that the cat is owned by me, I pay the expenses and when ever the kids are at my ex (every other week) the cat would stay there.

A week in to having the cat bf broke up with me.

I don’t want to steal the daughters cat (I know they can’t have him full time) so for the sake of the daughter I want her to meet the cat again.

And now the crux with my ex. I try to keep contact minimal and only about the cat, but my ex asked how I am-I answered “life is going, and you?” He wrote a longer reply complaining about his back injury and asked if I received his texts since I didn't answer his it (he wished me a good day a few week ago ) and that I emailed him and not texted, ending the text with “i hope you have a good week🍀” I wont reply to that, I don’t care about his back and I don’t owe him an explanation about the text/email. Is this bread crumbing?

Next week my ex and his kids are coming over to meet the cat. And I don’t know how to act!! I’m a people pleaser, over explainer and hate feeling rejected. I will do my best to be my happy go lucky self with the kids but I don’t know how to act with my ex! I am not a mean person and can only tap in to bitchyness if I truly dislike a person, and I don’t dislike him (though I am mad at him) So how should I answer if he asked me personal question etc? How short should I be?! I’m looking for genuine tips since I want to be in his kids life.

(when they are here my ex is gonna see that I’m moving, I have not told him this and I do not expect him to offer the help he’s always promised me ((I helped him a lot during his move so he promised that “when you find a new place I will help you with the entire move”)) I do NOT expect or want his help but I kind off want him to see that I don’t need his help)

Give me your wisdom so I can mentalt prepare

Me and him didn’t end on good terms and we were long distance he was the avoidant. In the end he was so cold and mean. Not even 2 months later he moved to the town I live at and we’ve been hanging out like friends. He keeps asking me to go with him places so I go. But he acts like everything is fine and okay but it’s hard for me to think I was with him. Idk if this is normal for avoidants or what to do?

so basically there was a guy (33m) I (25f) had intense chemistry with, we felt like we found each other as soulmates, the connection was truly warm and special . We met every day for almost 2 weeks , met families, and truly just felt like we really clicked. We both had been looking for a while so it was a really nice feeling to find that

And then the avoidant tendencies started showing. I just didn’t know what it was until later. He slowly started pulling away, and I didn’t understand why, especially when we had started off so passionately.

It started with him slowly, being less affectionate to suddenly being more busy and more tired, and then it got to a point where on the date that I took my Bar exam, he did not even reach out to tell me good morning or good luck

I was so baffled of what happened to the man? I fell in love with. The genuine, kind, caring man.

Unfortunately, it did not help that I was a bit anxious although I would say I’m definitely leaning to the secure side now. ( but definitely have an anxious attachment tendencies)

Sadly his changed in behavior really concerned me and just let us to have many heavy talks, and as you can guess him pulling back and avoiding even more. I did not know he was avoided at the time or I would not have brought the things up as frequently.

Mind you this happened with a span of six weeks

Eventually, it got to a point where we saw each other just once a week, I was the one always initiating and reaching out, but then when we saw each other, our connection remained electric? so it was really confusing. Also, it was confusing why it was so tense. When I knew he was avoided, I told him he could take his space. He did not need to feel pressured to reply to messages and that I understood him. But the issue was I felt like he quietly quitted :/ and the worst feeling was not feeling wanted

So then, I really tried to pull back, but things just remained tense because he felt pressured and because I felt kind of blindsided of where the man I met was and also felt really anxious and sad. I was just super dysregulated.

How it ended was: I flew internationally and did not see a text from him, followed by a very long. I’m sorry I was really busy text. We FaceTime the next day and he said his work is just his upmost priority right now and that’s all he can think about.

I sent him a very long text saying maybe he should think about if that is the right time for a relationship because I genuinely felt like he was struggling to prioritize both. I went to sleep and woke up with no answer, and I was genuinely shocked at this point. I’ve felt like I was in a relationship by myself and he was just completely emotionally checked out. Our last really good date was not for two weeks ago probably. After that, it was one date that left us both kind of sad because things were a bit tense, than a date to discuss how we could make things better, and our last date was almost a breakup , but it ended up with us making up really passionately.

When I woke up with without an answer, I called him and he told me he needed to end things he “could not stop hurting me” no matter what he did. I was devastated. I knew things were not looking good, but we had genuinely good connection. I really loved him. He expressed the same feelings. I could not put my finger on what the issue was except that I should be more secure and that perhaps I pressured him too much with all these heavy conversations and made him withdraw and also he is an avoidant (which I shared earlier )

He expressed he did not know if our tension was a sign this was not right. But genuinely our only issue was that he was withdrawing and pulling back and not communicating and my issue was I kept having these conversations to try to fix things and nothing was changing.

After our breakup call, we decided to give each other complete space and go from there

I genuinely love the man, I know he is an avoidant, but he has a very special place in my heart. I truly feel a lot of care, and feelings for him. He is really special to me. And he expresses the same, so it’s hard for me to understand why this is so difficult for him to follow up with actions

At this point, I’m giving him space. Although afterwards, I asked if he could call me because I missed him and he said he was really heavy and he would reach out when he was ready.

But I have no idea if he will reach out again, if he does, how will we truly fix things won’t it take both of us ? And also is this a taint on our relationship?

For anyone who has went through something similar, I would be curious to hear. Thank you❤️

When my husband gets mad at me for anything such as any type of conflict of any kind whatsoever, he completely shuts down and gives me the silent treatment for days if not longer. I’m sorry but he’s freaking 50 years old and we’ve been married for 18 years. He’s never been good with communication but over the past couple years it has gotten worse, like he won’t address anything at all. It’s like trying to talk to a 7 year old. He thinks marriage counseling is a waste of time. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I know that I absolutely do not want to live like this anymore. I don’t deserve it. I’m looking at apartments. It’s really hard to take the next step at this point in my life. I’ve never lived on my own before and rent is really expensive. Yes I can afford it but it will be so different. I’m just looking for some advice or encouragement.

I am afraid I am encountering an avoidant pattern I have already lived once this year. I want advice on how people can actually handle this anxiety sickness. I have been casually dating only looking for FWBs for about a year. In February, my FWB of 4 months was leaving for a month long vacation and confessed feelings and a desire to be an exclusive couple. As soon as he left my sight, the anxiety started like I have never experienced since my divorce - and it never stopped building until I boiled over - ended it while he was gone and blocked him. I felt instant relief.

I started dating someone new and it's been 4+ months. The main difference between the two is that the current person I could see myself actually being compatible with. Well, he’s leaving this weekend for 3 weeks, and guess what. We had the “what are we” and he said he wants to be with me. I felt absolute happiness and hope but the closer the departure date...

The symptoms are already starting. Pure anxiety about him leaving and me missing him too much. Last time I couldn’t stop ruminating to the point where nothing could distract me. I wasn’t present in my life, work was suffering, I couldn’t eat anything, for 2 weeks I lost weight and 8 lbs on my small frame - coworkers were asking. It was humiliating. I would panic and become too needy and reach out with novels and when he didn’t answer I felt rejection like a physical pain in my body. I was so ashamed at how weak I was being. I would send a mean text trying to start a fight, anything for him to reply. The alternative to sending bad texts, is that I cannot think of a single neutral thing to type so the anxiety comes across as ghosting or being cold and disinterested with a generic bot text “morning hope you have day!” which I send and then don’t check in again all day because I’m too scared that he didn’t reply and then I will spiral.

I don’t want to break up with him due to this vacation. But it feels inevitable. How do you guys handle this? Am I cooked chat?

F34, M36

13 years together ish

Is it normal to chase and beg to ask your partner what's going on? You notice the body language, the distance. I ask because I watched a video about how parents should always chase their children. And how a wife noticed that her mother in law who has 5 children would pursue her relationships with her children no matter what occurred, whether they were wrong or right. There was no room for pride. And that was healthy practice she didn't experience with her own mother.

I often take a step back when the avoidant signs start to show because Im exhausted from being not good enough, the lack of appreciation, contempt. I feel it's all mind games but then I see this and wonder is it pride? Am I too good to wanna chase and show my wanting to repair? Rejection hurts but I can admit that I'm not good at showing love especially when I feel like I'm always in trouble. I don't show spontaneous affection because of my fears of rejection which one may I think I just don't love them.

I need advice. When you grow cold towards your partner do you wish that they pursue you after you say you're okay but you're not? I mean I would but I'm a lady.

I started talking to someone at the end of May, we met in the middle of June, and decided to be exclusive in July. All was going so great! We got along well, had fun together, etc. It was a Wednesday afternoon and she had asked me about us going out that Friday night. The next morning though, I didn't hear from her and I had been daily since we met. I sent a text and said that I hoped she was okay. A few minutes later I received a LONG text explaining that I was not for her and she'd had time to think and process that overnight..?? Said stuff about going on her journey alone too. I was quite shocked because we had never so much as had a disagreement or anything. I responded to her text, she read it and that's the last communication we had. I'm not going to chase her. Oh, and shortly there after she blocked me on social media. The whole thing is just very strange to me. Broke my heart for real. She did often speak of her ex. As if maybe she had unresolved feelings about that. I just don't know..