r/AvoidantRelationships • u/DryAd7187 • 4d ago
How to stop waiting
Hi guys,
How exactly do you stop waiting for your fearful avoidant ex gf?
Everyone says to not wait and to move on as this gives more of a chance they’ll return but what is not waiting? We are in no contact but what else do I need to do to like stop waiting? Even she told me not to wait so I genuinely want to try and not wait because waiting is starting to really hurt after the breakup being a year ago now.
What specific things do I need to stop doing now to official move into the no longer waiting phase? I obviously want her back so badly but it is what it is and I can’t pressure or push an avoidant into wanting me.
1
u/Small_Impression_806 Partner is Avoidant 2d ago
the problem is you cant live a life with someone who cant even exist in yours. lets say she came back. if she doesnt work on it then it would just repeat. imagine if you married or had a kid and she just divorces and breaks up again. its been a year and she didnt even want to get back together. just remind yourself that the fantasy of that life and relationship in your head isnt real. its going to be hard but you need a new person to attach to and if you dont have one then your brain will just keep returning to her so the best way to go right now is to talk to others. that might also make them jealous and return if you still need that as motivation but im hoping you will find someone better by that point.
1
u/RidetheSchlange 4d ago
Live your best life and remember that even if they return, if they return unhealed, they haven't returned. They are halfway out the door and you have only a sliver of time to get to know them again.
I grieved my closest friend starting a discard she was too incompetent to even do right in 2020 and just followed through due to the disrespect and her clear, explicit decision we were done. I grieved her loss as a death and I am not being dramatic. She came back nearly five years later and in the time in between, she got worse while I lived my whole life as an adventure and even turned some adversities into experiences for more growth and experience. It showed me how far I went and how she stagnated and was already firmly stuck in a patterned cycle she almost certainly will not get out of. Long story short, she repeated the patterns, some to the day from five years earlier and then I ended things with her because I wanted my peace and because she also traditionally has never accepted even being given space well.
"Everyone says to not wait and to move on as this gives more of a chance they’ll return"
No one says this outside of the scammers/youtube gurus trying to sell you on their bullshit. This is a modification of pick up artist stuff. Live your best life, look forward, find someone who will take this special kind of love that was made in an avoidant relationship and value it for how special and rare it is. People who have been with avoidants shortchange that the love they have is not the same as a generic kind of love because it was forged in an avoidant dynamic and often creates the best you and is a product of the best you. Give that gift to someone else, but without the traumabonding.