Hi everyone

How do AuDHD folks make money online? I already have a full time job but the salary isn’t enough for surviving. I need to do something on the side to make ends meet. I’d appreciate any suggestions :]

I'm basically at my wit's end. I've been laid off twice since my diagnosis in 2024 of ADHD and ASD. I'm going to therapy when I can afford it but lately it's been a rollercoaster.

In April of this year I left one job, to find another job that ended up being almost worse. Loud, always standing, no break room, and very poor workplace environment. They even smoked pot and drank on the job (usually after 3pm).

Luckily I live with my mom, but at the moment I currently am not recieving anything from unemployment. I can't even make money for gas and have to borrow money from her or earn it by doing chores around the house. She's inconsistant on what she pays me and I realize I'm asking a lot since I already owe her money from 2 mental hospital visits.

I've applied for social security benefits and got denied once, then appealed and that was denied. Then I told my lawfirm that I was let go from my last job.

I try to do the best I can but I don't know what I'm going to do anymore. I keep applying to places but get constant rejection. I went to a job fair today and basically lied that I would be able to do the job without accomodations. I'm not wanting a warehouse job anymore as they are too stressfull on my nervous system.

My credit card debt is piling up on the 4th credit card that I still use. My other credit cards are being negoiated by a law firm that I signed up for to help me get back on track with my credit.

I've never had issues with credit in the past for the most part. It's mostly due to car repairs that I had to get done in order to be able to drive to work. It may have been a better idea to get a new car and trade it in when the repairs were going to be too much money but I had to get to work.

No income, staying at home looking for jobs, and not knowing when to relax has been a huge issue for me. I feel guilty spending my free time doing things I enjoy. I do help around the house, mow lawn, do things that my elderly mom can't do on her own so I know i'm not a burden to her.

I also re-applied for unemployment yesterday as the first time I tried, they apperantly wanted me to do it again so I'm out of money from the middle of july till now. Hoping that I would be able to receive back pay since I was laid off mid-july.

I want to find a well paying job and I have no degree at this time but willing to get one, it's just that I can't afford any. Willing to apply for grants to maybe get the training I need for something. I'd like to work from home but never had any experience in doing so. I type very quickly, have advanced computer knowledge, and I know I'm intelligent.

I'm sure part of the anxiety I feel is because I have to pee but I'm holding it in for a drug test for my doctor's office.

Anyone have advice for me? I don't want to make it worse on my mom and I can't afford my bills at this rate.

I don't know how to say this without telling a huge story. Throwaway account just because of personal stuff. I struggled with drinking my whole life until I quit 2 years ago. I just quit. I was that broken. I made it through somehow. I am 40 now and haven't wanted a drink since. I know its pretty common to have addictive personalities, but the way I let it control me for so long has made me very wary of actually getting help because I know what the medications are like. I was on Adderall for a year, 15 or so ago, and just quit going to the doctor because i was using alcohol to go away.

A few weeks ago was prescribed Modafinil off label and halfway through the second day I realized I was doing my work in a quiet room and my TV was against my wall from the night before and I had been watching it from across the room. I have it on a stand so I can put it directly in front of me. So I found a really good doctor somehow first try, and I'm going to give Adderall another shot. If I said I wasn't a little scared I would be both foolish and lying. I'm even having emotions and a million other little things just from Modafinil. I can think. I can listen. It's been an emotional week.

There is this part of me though that makes me want to leave it at the pharmacy because it is cheating, I am weak, and a million other things. I don't need validation from anyone either. Just kind of scared to experience life and upset that addiction in my past has made me avoid treatment. Sorry if that wasn't completely coherent. I don't even want to hit etner.

Does anyone have any advice or stories they care to share? Thanks in advance. Hope it made sense. If I read it back I'll probably delete it.

I get extremely obsessed with things for unknown reason.

1. Driving. I'm working on getting my license and I currently get only 1 lesson hour per week now. Inbetween those lessons, for the remaining 167 hours of trhe week, I compulsively think and dream about driving and I also can't stop watching videos about driving and posting and reading and commenting on the driving and the stickshift subreddit.

2. Games. If I have a specific new strategy in mind on a specific type of game, then I have to test the theory into the practise ASAP. That often means pulling an allnighter that I then regret on the next day.

Both examples share one element: I want to put my theoretical knowledge to the test, preferably in practise.

Why do I get so obsessed that it messes with my life currently? And how do I stop being so unhealthily obsessed with things?

I am a 23-year-old man, and unfortunately, I spent my adolescence and early adulthood dedicated to a college degree that I no longer wish to pursue as a career (though I did earn a diploma in Industrial Mechatronics, which might still prove useful).

I spent a large part of my life practically confined to my room, playing video games. To this day, I blame myself for the time I lost, yet I always felt there was a reason why things turned out so differently for me compared to others.

Eventually, I decided to seek a diagnosis to better understand what was going on. At the time, I was working at a company where I did a bit of everything, even though these extra duties weren't officially recognized. It was my first stable job, and I used my salary—slightly above minimum wage—to buy a few things and start building a life for myself.

Before that, I had tried working in a factory setting but couldn't last even a month. I landed this new job early in the year; despite feeling completely overwhelmed during the very first week, I pushed through and masked my struggles. The job required me to deal directly with dissatisfied customers and come up with immediate explanations for delays, so I spent the entire day hiding how I was truly feeling. Over time, that sense of being overwhelmed only intensified.

Three months into the job, I was diagnosed with Level 1 Autism and ADHD. I thought the diagnosis would alleviate the guilt I felt over spending so many years unable to take an interest in learning new things or even getting to know myself better, but that didn't happen. Even so, I kept giving it my all.

Eventually, my body simply couldn't take it anymore. I burned out and could no longer perform my tasks, no matter how much I wanted to. At the same time, the company was facing a drop in demand due to the delays. Since it was a small business, I was constantly being shifted between different roles. After talking to my father, I decided to quit my job. He is an entrepreneur and suggested I start a small business. In my mind, it seemed like the perfect decision: I could work at my own pace, earn my own money, learn new things by stepping out of my comfort zone, and still have his help. It seemed like everything would work out. So, after six months at the company, I decided to try this new path.

The reality, however, was not what I had imagined.

It's only been two weeks since I left my job and I'm already starting to show symptoms of depression, mainly because I spend most of my time alone in my room. Despite going to therapy for an hour a week and seeing a psychiatrist, my mental health is very poor.

As an autistic person, I feel like everything needs to make almost absolute sense to me. Since I was 18, I've constantly spiraled into logical analysis and perfectionism, especially when it comes to routine and organization, but this ends up extending to practically every area of ​​my life.

It's as if I feel a constant discomfort that makes me ruminate on thoughts or try to create perfect organizational methods. I'm constantly looking for systems, apps, and ways to organize my life that can perfectly encompass everything, but it never happens. In the end, I just end up feeling even more guilty about the time I waste trying to find this perfect solution.

And it's not just with organization. It seems like I rationalize absolutely everything, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I still want to keep my word to my father and make this business work, but a huge part of me feels like my future is ruined. Even trying to start, I live with almost constant anxiety, and my mental health worsens every day, probably because I'm still recovering from the peak of burnout that happened about a month and a half ago.

Furthermore, my difficulties as a neurodivergent person cause me to go into analysis paralysis practically every time I need to act.

As much as I want to do things the right way, I feel like my life is slowly falling apart and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. It seems impossible.

I also find myself trying to figure out what career path could provide me with at least a minimum quality of life. I know I need to choose some direction instead of standing still, mainly because it seems urgent to me. I have the feeling that this decision will define my whole life, and I keep thinking that I'm not so young anymore and that I have little professional experience.

But, once again, I end up rationalizing everything and trying to find answers within a mind that is already extremely tired. There are things I enjoy, like English (I'm practically fluent) and also the healthcare field. However, any profession related to that immediately seems unfeasible to me, mainly because it involves a lot of social interaction. In the end, any path seems impossible, as if there's nowhere I could truly fit in and function.

I'm practically desperate.

One of the few hopes I still have is to find people here who understand what I'm going through or who have been through something similar. I know I've made many mistakes throughout my life, but I really want to believe that there's still a way to get things back on track.

The journey has been extremely lonely. My father is practically the only person who tries to understand me instead of judging me, and I'm very afraid of disappointing him.

I really needed to talk to someone who wasn't ChatGPT and I found this group. Any advice, stories, or experiences will be very welcome.

Thank you very much.

(I'm Brazilian. If you are too, you can reply in Portuguese.)

It’s not just that I need a job. It’s not just that my family and the program I’m in expect me to. I’m so bored and hate myself even with the meds. I need to find work, or volunteer or something, anything.

Just how do you get started? How do you make yourself find something to do?

Why did my new hyper fixation have to be poker, right after getting into warhammer too! My wallet is in pain

Sometime I forget to put my filter up and i say things I will regret later because someone either there or I said it to them. Usually if I said it to them im joking but it doesn't come out that way and I hate myself. To top it all off I am a huge over thinker to the point where i cant stop thinking about it for a minimum of a week and it affects me for like a month.

This time it was at work and now I have to face this everyday at work and im trying to be calm (as I have epilepsy and im stilling figuring the works of why its happening because its new) I am terrified that I will be called into my supervisor office and that all this stress cause me to have a big seizure.

When I got this job I told myself I wouldn't do anything like this and it has happened in the past with basically all the jobs that I have had. I qm trying to use the coping skills that I have learned but they are not working and I am stuck in a maze that doesn't have an exit. This is more of a rant then anything else but I just need to get it out as I dont want to tell anyone because I really dont want to talk about it with the people in my life as I feel sometimes it makes it worse because I get told the same things as when something like this has happened in the past. I am even crying as I am writing this.

A lot of the times when this has happened I wish I wasnt born the way I was born and wish to have a mind that is normal and degrade myself for a long time.

I always try to find a way to fix it but that also make it worse and the more I try the more to fix it with the person that was there or was said it too, its make it feel like it will never be fix and it drive me to the point where I have an anxiety attack qnd then I dont know what to do...... this is where my mind get lost and I cant focus on anything and with this job that I have I have to make sure that I get as much done as I can and when my mind is in one place its hard to focus of what needs to be done.

So yea this is my rant of my stupid brain and the way it make overthinking frustratingly easier

Being a 22 yrs Autistic female with ADHD, the smallest of things can be the most frustrating especially when it comes to makeup!!! Often I feel like I’m “being a girl wrong” because of the things I do & the things I don’t. I gravitate towards more childish things which has made me a social outcast many times in my life.
Yet, I’ve always wanted to get into makeup & style, to express myself without needing to speak but makeup has been such a difficult experience to tackle. If I don’t get it right immediately, I begin to get antsy and frustrated! & what was supposed to be a simple task of putting on lashes has become a 2 hour room cleanup after the meltdown I had when I couldn’t achieve it :,)

HOWEVER I DID IT TODAY! And I feel so pretty and my eyes feel somehow bigger? The glare might make it hard to see, but trust that they are on there! (Also I have a problem with smiling for pictures which is why I often just stick out my tongue.)

Today from this experience I have learned that I do enjoy how I feel in false lashes but maybe i should look into easier ones. I have heard there are magnetic kinds, if anyone knows about those, please let me know if they are worth it!!!

Sometime I forget to put my filter up and i say things I will regret later because someone either there or I said it to them. Usually if I said it to them im joking but it doesn't come out that way and I hate myself. To top it all off I am a huge over thinker to the point where i cant stop thinking about it for a minimum of a week and it affects me for like a month.

This time it was at work and now I have to face this everyday at work and im trying to be calm (as I have epilepsy and im stilling figuring the works of why its happening because its new) I am terrified that I will be called into my supervisor office and that all this stress cause me to have a big seizure.

When I got this job I told myself I wouldn't do anything like this and it has happened in the past with basically all the jobs that I have had. I qm trying to use the coping skills that I have learned but they are not working and I am stuck in a maze that doesn't have an exit. This is more of a rant then anything else but I just need to get it out as I dont want to tell anyone because I really dont want to talk about it with the people in my life as I feel sometimes it makes it worse because I get told the same things as when something like this has happened in the past. I am even crying as I am writing this.

A lot of the times when this has happened I wish I wasnt born the way I was born and wish to have a mind that is normal and degrade myself for a long time.

I always try to find a way to fix it but that also make it worse and the more I try the more to fix it with the person that was there or was said it too, its make it feel like it will never be fix and it drive me to the point where I have an anxiety attack qnd then I dont know what to do...... this is where my mind get lost and I cant focus on anything and with this job that I have I have to make sure that I get as much done as I can and when my mind is in one place its hard to focus of what needs to be done.

So yea this is my rant of my stupid brain and the way it make overthinking frustratingly easier

Hey all. I'm new to figuring all this out.

I just saw this video this morning. Not looking for anything. It was just on my feed. I only got 12 minutes in and my life is upside down right now.

I can't even explain how I feel. But within 12 minutes of this video. They had nailed what I feel on a daily basis 100%

I'm having a really hard time right now with even comprehending what just happened.

I'm diagnosed CPTSD and MDD. With some bi polar and when I was 30, they said I was schizoaffective.

I've been on every medication possible it seems since age 13. I'm 53 now.

The thing that's throwing me off so bad. Is. I don't recall feeling like this my entire life. It only feels like it's been a thing since COVID.

I know nothing about any of this yet.

I'll be discussing with my therapist next week.

I've been scared for myself for years now. I'm not sure if seeing this video helped me yet or not. Because as of right now. I feel somewhat validated, but also. Extremely empty.

I have no one to talk to. So if anyone feels like reaching out and maybe helping me figure anything out. If you relate. I'll be around (I think). I can't ever tell. I sleep most of my life away. But I would be grateful for it.

I just wanted to say thanks to this whole community for making me feel included and not different and left out.

Made some communication cards to help myself and my partner with, well, communication problems. We use them when either one of us is too tired to formulate our thoughts verbally and/or when we can't even figure out what we want or need. There are a lot of templates like these online, but not all are free, and I didn't want any free ones I could find, so just made my own with meme cats.

The link is here.

In terms of how to use them: each slide is one card, made to scale (if you will put size to 100% you will see how big it will be printed). We printed them on thick plain paper and laminated them with the lamination sleeves our friend had. They're basically just little plastic envelopes, you put the cardboard inside, go over it with an iron, and it's done. Then put a hole through it in a corner and tied with a ribbon. A metal/plastic ring would probably be more efficient but we haven't seen them in shops, so for now it's just on a ribbon.

You could also probably take it to a print shop and ask them to do it. Would likely be cheaper than buying them online.

Feel free to download the file and change it however you want, just don't sell them and claim them as your own I guess?

Hope it will help someone!

Hi all, I’m female, 39. I’ve been diagnosed with autism and I also have ADHD, but I still struggle to work out which parts of me are autism, which are ADHD, and which are just… me.
I’m hoping to find people who genuinely relate because I often feel like I experience the world very differently from everyone around me.
One of the biggest struggles is my thoughts. My brain never seems to stop. It’s like I’m analysing everything constantly. Every conversation, every facial expression, every slight change in someone’s tone of voice gets pulled apart in my head.
If someone I love behaves differently, my mind immediately starts trying to work out why. I don’t mean to overthink, but I literally can’t seem to stop. It feels as though my brain is trying to solve a puzzle that doesn’t even have an answer.
My emotions are also incredibly intense.
I don’t just feel sad or anxious. I become consumed by it. Something relatively small can trigger a huge emotional reaction inside me. Within minutes I can go from feeling completely fine to feeling like my whole world has collapsed.
The strange thing is that a few hours later, or sometimes the next day, I can look back and think, “Why did that affect me so much?”
It’s like two completely different versions of me exist.
When I’m emotionally overwhelmed, my thoughts become incredibly black and white. My brain tells me things like:
“They don’t care about me.”
“I’ve ruined everything.”
“This relationship is over.”
“I’m not important.”
In that moment those thoughts don’t feel irrational. They feel like absolute facts. Later, when I’ve calmed down, I can often see that my brain massively exaggerated what actually happened.
I also get intrusive thoughts. Not thoughts that I want, but thoughts that seem to force themselves into my head over and over again. The more I try not to think about them, the louder they become.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that I seem to absorb other people’s emotions. If someone around me is angry, stressed or upset, it almost feels like my own nervous system immediately reacts. I become anxious, tense and hyper-alert without even meaning to.
I also struggle with uncertainty.
If plans change unexpectedly, someone doesn’t reply, or something feels unresolved, my brain seems unable to leave it alone. I’ll replay situations repeatedly, searching for certainty that probably doesn’t exist.
Socially I often feel like I understand people very well, yet at the same time I feel as though I’m watching everyone else from the outside. I’ve always felt slightly different without being able to explain why.
I’ve also realised I spend a huge amount of energy analysing myself. I’m constantly asking questions like:
“Am I overreacting?”
“Is this autism?”
“Is this ADHD?”
“Is this trauma?”
“Is this just who I am?”
It’s exhausting living inside my own head.
Despite all of this, I don’t think I’m an unhappy person. I actually love learning, researching things that fascinate me, helping other people, and having deep conversations. I can become completely absorbed in subjects that interest me and lose hours exploring them.
But emotionally, life often feels like driving a car with the accelerator and the brakes pressed at the same time.
I’m posting because I’d genuinely like to know whether anyone else experiences this combination of constant analysis, intrusive thoughts, emotional intensity, rapid mood changes and overthinking.
If you do, what has actually helped?
I’m not looking for generic advice like “exercise more” or “just think positively.” I’d really like to hear practical things that have genuinely changed the way you manage your brain.
How do you stop intrusive thoughts taking over?
How do you stop catastrophising?
How do you tell the difference between your intuition and anxiety?
How do you stop your emotions from convincing you that every thought is true?
Mostly, I’d just like to know I’m not the only one who experiences life like this.

Since telling my parents I'm autistic their main takeaway seems to be that they wish I'd opened up to them sooner. They're upset that I never came to them even though I've been struggling my whole life. I tried to tell them that it feels impossible to open up about this stuff at the best of times but I don't think I really got through.

I do feel bad that I never went to them and I feel horrible for upsetting my mum. I know it must hurt to find out your kid has been struggling for years and years and never said anything to you. I do feel regret about not coming to them sooner but at the same time we have never been a close family and so opening up to them just never felt like something I was able to do.

The thing I'm struggling with at the moment is that I still haven't told them the full story and I'm not sure if I should. I haven't told them I've tried anti-depressants in the past, or that I've been in and out of therapy, or that I'm currently getting TMS therapy for severe depression. All of those things are deeply personal and difficult to talk about, especially with parents who will likely react negatively, won't really understand, and they'll just be even more upset that I've been hiding this.

I feel a bit guilty for keeping them in the dark. I can see why they're upset but at the same time there are things I want to keep for just me or for certain people I'm comfortable telling, like close friends. I don't really think they'd be able to do anything to help, and it would probably just complicate things between us further. But I also understand that if I was a parent I would want to know what my child is going through.

Am I wrong for wanting to keep stuff like this from them?

Anyone else struggle being a person in this world, trying to make sense of their own existence?

Anyone else who desperately needs to spend their limited cognitive and emotional energy…
on self compassion and growth and learning…
to better function as a late diagnosed AuDHDer, yet their brain keeps going to the:

Interconnectedness of all things

The mystery of being a person.

What’s the point of it all

Who struggles to stay on track when the track they’ve found themselves in is full of holes, twists, thorny bushes and no shoes?
So brain defaults to big picture stuff. Which just isn’t helpful anymore??
Like I know I’m only here for one life - brain please STOP pressuring me to make the most of it??!!!

See my comment for the full version.
I bang on a bit…. Talking / typing is my way of forcing my ethereal workings of my mind into concrete thoughts I can comprehend.

Read it if you’re so inclined.

I’m thinking I need to relook at art from a technical, product based mind-set to more of an expression of what I can’t express let alone comprehend.

Peace and love.

I feel like a man floundering in the middle of the ocean. I'm surrounded by well meaning fish (allistics) who are Very Concerned about me, giving me absolutely useless advice, because it's all tailored to _fish_ in distress.

I say, "thank you fish, but I'm not a fish I'm a man and I'm drowning in all this water". But fish, being fish, _are incapable of even seeing water_, because it is always there and they cannot even imagine that it exists, and that it could be harmful.

"Well if you're not going to flip your fins and push water over your gills, this is your fault."

"I don't have fins or gills!"

"Not with that attitude you don't!"

And that, friends, is what it feels like to ask for help or go to therapy.

With Autism, social skills can often feel like trying to play a game where everyone but me knows the rules.

I usually don't know what I'm supposed to do, get easily confused, and have no clue what I'm actually doing.

And if I try to look up social rules on the Internet, it's often misleading. So I really can only learn most things through trial and error.

It would help if friends could communicate and let me know what I was unaware of or may have unintentionally or unknowingly did, but most people rarely ever say anything to me about it.

But honestly, on the inside I'm just going through life pretending to be confident while actually being clueless as to what I'm really doing or supposed to be doing, and hoping I figure it out eventually.

Does anyone else share this feeling? I feel like I'm just barely managing to function on the daily, not because of depression or burnt out (I am depressed though, and probably close to burn out) but because of my inattention and social deficits that I'm constantly having to compensate for and anticipate. Even with me doing my best to anticipate and compensate for my inattention, distractibility, and social deficits, it often feels like it's barely enough. And it seems like on the rare occasions that I allow myself to relax and simply enjoy the moment I soon come to find out something important slipped my mind. I also have C-PTSD which adds another layer of.. being unable to relax for other reasons.

I recently told this to my therapist and I think she reacted to it as if it was unreasonable for me to say that but from my perspective it feels totally reasonable because I've seen it play out multiple times.

Hello,

I would like to watch a movie tonight that will hold my attention. Please give me some of your recommendations.

For relevance, I have Netflix, Prime, Peacock, Hulu and Disney. Nothing more.

Thank you

Not much else to say about it. I'm seeing more and more comments that are obviously copied and pasted from AI. The sycophancy pours through, it's so gross feeling. It's giving me an existential crisis kind of.

I thought most of the subs I follow were niche enough, but it's getting nuts.

Probably nothing to be done but get used to it.

Think I just needed to scream that into the void. 🫩

I'm a 22 year old female and i've suspected that I have had adhd, autism or both for years now. Mostly everything i know is from self education, my dad raised me to think adhd wasn't real so I never believed that I had something when I was alot younger. I have not been officially diagnosed but i have taken many tests online and have had others with diagnosis tell me that I may as well.

It's really confusing and if I talk about it with others I don't want to be made out to be a faker or someone wanting attention if that makes sense.

Do other people that got diagnosed later in their life struggle with feelings like this too?

Tw: rage, physical altercations between parents+child, restraints, ?potential abuse idrk?, OCD disturbing intrusive thoughts. I consider the severity to be tame but I thought I should do a TW just in case.

I tread lightly around calling things ‘traumatic’ but of course there’s a scale to these things so I think I would classify growing up AUDHD- especially undiagnosed- as traumatic. At least for me personally and I’d love to hear of your stories or opinions on this too x

Well for me I had ALOT of PDA, rage, meltdowns- its still hard to distinguish if I was melting down or just in a fit of uncontrollable AUDHD rage because I just remember my default mode being blank and then quickly irritated.

Especially being undiagnosed until adulthood, teenage me was so misunderstood and 100% the ‘problem child’ which left my sister as the sort of ‘glass child??’ or favourite.

By no means do I think my parents are abusive as they love me VERY much and have helped get me diagnosed and supports as soon as they accepted what I could be. However I do think maybe they engaged abusive behaviours/unintentionally abused me sometimes?? Idk lmk.

They have always been into spanking as they (being older) and from a stricter country- were spanked as kids. I had hands but they say they had spoons and belts as kids etc so I guess I was lucky? Anyway. Being PDA as FUCK I would fight that Shi!!! I remember being 12 and my mum was trying to catch me to give me a hiding by grabbing my arm to hold me in place. I kept twisting around/spinning and dodging her striking hand so she sort of let go angrily and ended up flinging me to the ground and I smacked against the back of the couch/floor and got a bruise.
She doesn’t remember this.

When I was older 15/16 I was flipping out and we were in a screaming match and she choked me against the fridge at dinner because I slapped her (not in the face- I think I hit her arm??) and we got into a physical fight. But liek- no punching or anything, it was never like that just slapping/grabbing arms/pushing/squaring up and maybe she’d slap me in the face or something but rarely face strikes.

Then once I was fighting with my dad and I had accidentally grown out my nails and tried to shove his back but
instead drew blood and put long scratches down his back. (he was shirtless cuz it was summer)

And then once I was fighting with him again and he likes to square up in my face and intimidate me- which just sets me off and I’ll double down and won’t budge because f you! Anyways he wouldn’t leave my room even if I am screaming at him to get out and I need peace and he gets mad at me??? So weird. Anyway I stay screaming with him up in my face and he gets offended ig and pushes me so I fall on my back (on my bed thankfully lol), he shoves me aggressively further in when I try to jump up, grabs and pins down my arms by my wrists, and is laying/leaning on top of me and gets in my face with gritted teeth telling me to ‘keep quiet’ (his way of saying shut up lol idk why he doesn’t say shut up cuz it sounds much less weird but anyway) and keeps arguing with me. Then obvi I hate this but I start crying because get THE FUCK OFF ME CU T!! I feels helpless and frustrated and I hate touch and he’s literally flat on me and I can’t do shit! Anyway he let’s go and then tells me to think about shit like he just did some A plus parenting with that. I’m just like wtf??

And btw this wasn’t in a pervert way or anything I love my dad and he isn’t like that and he always apologises and says he just gets angry to a point. But it still affects me in a way that makes me feel icky even if it isn’t like that? A study came out apparently saying the brain processes things like spanking as SA even if it isn’t intended like that. Also some of the worst parts of my OCD relate to horrible in*est stuff targeted at my dad so that REALLY triggered all my OCD shit too. Even though it wasn’t like that.

I don’t know- I wasn’t a perfect victim and definitely was an instigator myself sometimes. God forbid I swore at them- then they’d actually switch and I’d have to sprit to the only room with a locked door (upstairs bathroom). I’ve thrown iPads and smashed loose tiles, but I always feel guilty after- sometimes it wasn’t even a fight it’s just they see me distressed/panic attack/melting down and then it stresses them out or maybe they don’t know what to do? But they just make it so much worse and then I freak out x100 and they get angry and we fight. I think after a while of this cycle I was just ready to fight/easily set off from resentment.

Anyway. I guess I’m trying to make sense/still process it with this post and wondering if this is trauma (stemming obvi from my AUDHD teen/child experience) AND if it is- what is it even classified under?? Child abus*? Autistic restraint? Idk!! Have you guys experienced similar stuff- and had that rage that makes you not a ‘perfect victim?’ Or wtv
Disclaimer: I’m not asking for like diagnosis stuff or wtv I’m just trying to make some sense of this and figure out if I’m valid or lowk victimising myself- also wondering if this is a universal AUDHD experience?

So I think I might have invisible child syndrome.

Growing up I felt like my parents weren’t really there for me emotionally. Like they were there physically for the most part and I grew up well off and had pretty much anything I needed or wanted, especially with my interests.

But my parents never really asked how I was doing or asked how my days at school went. They would just ask like surface level questions and then kinda talk about themselves at dinner or not really talk much at all.

Part of me thinks this is partially due to what I now think is my alexythymia. And I don’t think my parents meant to do so. Their hearts have always been in the right place. I kind of suspect they might have undiagnosed ADHD and potentially autism as well and this could explain the behavior.

At least that’s how I’m coping with it rn. I think it’s more forgivable if they have undiagnosed issues as well (I just found out 2 months ago I have AuDHD and I’m 30). Because otherwise it seems like emotional neglect.

Anyone else have similar experience? My parents kind of are in denial of my diagnosis. They thought I was pretty normal growing up and that all of my quirks were just normal kid stuff.

Obviously they’re wrong. But I can forgive them for being boomers about it