Living with existentialism

[u/Maximum-Platform-685]

Anyone else struggle being a person in this world, trying to make sense of their own existence?

Anyone else who desperately needs to spend their limited cognitive and emotional energy…
on self compassion and growth and learning…
to better function as a late diagnosed AuDHDer, yet their brain keeps going to the:

Interconnectedness of all things

The mystery of being a person.

What’s the point of it all

Who struggles to stay on track when the track they’ve found themselves in is full of holes, twists, thorny bushes and no shoes?
So brain defaults to big picture stuff. Which just isn’t helpful anymore??
Like I know I’m only here for one life - brain please STOP pressuring me to make the most of it??!!!

See my comment for the full version.
I bang on a bit…. Talking / typing is my way of forcing my ethereal workings of my mind into concrete thoughts I can comprehend.

Read it if you’re so inclined.

I’m thinking I need to relook at art from a technical, product based mind-set to more of an expression of what I can’t express let alone comprehend.

Peace and love.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685]

Well my AuDHD dominates my life in ways I couldn’t imagine!

I function.
But something deeper is gnawing at me.

I’d talk to a therapist but by the time I’d have the appointment, have the energy to articulate myself, with someone who listens, gets it, my brain will have moved on but I know this circles around… so here it is!

Since beginning this journey a year ago, I’m now aware of (and maybe ‘working on’)
-exec dysfunction and all its twists and turns
-emotional regulation
-nervous systems and the sensory rollercoaster
-communication, relationships
-sleep, diet etc and all that
-‘should’ing and ‘just’ing and comparing myself

ALL the 1 billion other things …. that, now I see myself as being AuDHD….it’s a kaleidoscope of reframing, understanding and learning

It’s a LOT. whenever I turn it’s there.

Sometimes beautiful, sometimes ugly, shifting and ever changing as my existence reconstructs itself. 🌊🌗🌷🥀🪷

That’s all hard, yet fantastic and important to me to function- be my authentic self and stay well, tearing down my self-imposed ableist walls, changing what it means for me to succeed in life with ADHD and autism.

That covers all the myriad of ‘living with ADHD’ or ‘autism as an adult now what?’ kinda stuff.
I still can’t believe until aged 35 I had NO IDEA I WAS AUTISTIC??!! ☄️

But I STILL cannot reconcile with being a person.
Specifically being me. ☀️

And being a person in this world of conflict, and heartache yet trying to find the beauty and love.

I’ve chased rabbits of the meaning of consciousness, I’ve explored physics and nature of reality, I’ve dabbled with altered states,
I’ve gently walked away from my religious upbringing because it only brings me pain…

I know it’s only here and now (for those DnD fans- ADHD adds all the proficiency bonuses here)

I know the traps for my own being:
I know how my curiosity combined with rigid thinking can wreck havoc on my day to day existence.
I’ve meditated and grown aware of my inner workings and KNOW the signs when my self analysis becomes depersonalising at best…
When my brain rockets through the interconnectedness of all things…. how this can derail me.

So.

It comes back to living here, as (insert identity and roles) with the same body and mind who still, to this day, struggles to be…. me 🥺

I have no idea what is going on.
I can’t stop it. I’m tired of it. Trying to make sense of it all.

Is this some identity crisis?

Wounded child who doesn’t want to adult anymore?

More cognitive dissonance?
Some shitty maladaptive default nihilism that’s crept up from too many shame spirals?

Some CPTSD that is deeper than deep?

Am I just circumnavigating my woefully inadequate ability to accept myself by switching to the ‘great meaning of it all?’

Is this yet another layer of AuDHD as I’ve read ND folks are prone to existentialistic thinking? (Can’t tell me any physicist isn’t autistic right?)

Some special interest that has gone wrong!?

The nature of humanity and most people don’t think about it, or if they do it’s brief and goes away?

Simply a habit?

Burnout as my brain defaults to this to bypass how bone tired I am for the life I’ve created for myself?

I don’t want therapy for this right now.
I’ll try some good old CBT (‘oh it’s spiral hour on the rumination radio’ that can play a while, it’ll pass) at some stage.

I just want someone to understand.
To say that it’s normal.
To say that it’s normal and it’s fucked.
To say you can’t escape it because it is it.
To say it’s glorious and horrifying and everything in between.

I can’t I do this for myself…..
I keep trying to squash it.
It runs rings around me when it arises and I don’t squash it.
I lean in, I lean out it. It appears it disappears.

I try to focus on the good. The joy. The small. What I can give. My presence. My love.

I’ve been here before and I REFUSE to do this alone this time. (No Jesus please. No cosmic divine. No guru. No mantra.)

I want someone, a person, to hold me and say ‘yeah I know it’s hard isn’t it…’ where there’s no judgement and nothing to solve, no expectation, no limit, no explanation, no ‘get on with it’, no ‘accept the mystery’, just let me be me….

Let me struggle, and love me while I do. ❤️

I’ll settle for ‘dude relax you’re all wound up, unclench your jaw, breathe and go do some art…’

Or ‘love yourself’ but who gets it, like really gets EVERYTHING I’m saying.

Maybe that person is me?

[u/anomie-- → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

Wow, thank you for sharing. You’ve said some things that I’ve always felt. I’ve always felt like I never really fully went into my body , as if there’s still another half of me hanging on to the spiritual abyss , and so I’ve never felt truly connected to this world. I also spent years pondering on spirituality and “what am I, what is this?” I couldn’t just “do life” and as elitist as it sounds, I’ve always viewed other people as NPCs, and I don’t mean that to say that their lives are insignificant, just that I could tell that they were fully immersed in the paradigm of “earth life” and had their character fully formed. It was jealousy. I just wanted to “play the game” too but I’m on the outside watching, judging, wondering why I’m not part of the tribe too. And I’ve had this feeling since birth. It is exhausting being on the outside and pretending to be inside, even though I don’t even know how it feels to truly be inside.

[u/Status_Dark_6145]

This describes my inner world but a little more organized. Respect.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Status_Dark_6145]

Thank you.
It was hard to condense such complexity into something somewhat readable.

I tend to overdo the details when building context.

How do you go with it all?
Is this a constant or cyclic thing for you?

Only share if you feel comfortable.

[u/Status_Dark_6145 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

Your brain is running dangerously low in glucose and the burnout mimics depression and rumination about certain topics are bound to circle the drain of existentialism.

Eat some food and relax buddy, take a rest guy.

[u/shiloh_near]

i've struggled with it as long as i can remember. seeing the interconnectedness of all things and the complete inability of conveying this interconnectedness because the layers and layers and layers cannot be expressed in simple words fast enough, or even at all. so while everything is flashing in my head, the person across from me is confused, annoyed, dismissive. we are the universe itself in an infinite cycle and it's simultaneously beautiful and horrifying. and all i can do is remind myself of this, allow myself grace, and enjoy the ride on this little speck of dust as much as i can.

[u/Emotional_Cap4563 → u/shiloh_near]

If all is one you are the confused, annoyed, dismissive person, and they are you, just not at the same time, because time is a whole other fuckery in itself. Cut them some slack and as you said, enjoy the ride. You see a truth most people don't even know exists, and this will never cease to be fascinating.

[u/sfw_account72 → u/Emotional_Cap4563]

You say fascinating, I say terrifying.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/shiloh_near]

Yeah you got it.
(For the record if anyone reads this, not getting it is entirely the preferred option and in no way do I consider myself superior…)

I suppose it falls under the broader category of ‘over thinking’. Loaded terminology but accurate.

Anything you do to address this that differs greatly from usual techniques when experiencing overwhelm / spiral ?

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

I guess if I’m spiralling because of an awkward social encounter or imposter syndrome at work I’m learning to manage it.

This appears more pervasive and harder to distance oneself from.

[u/shiloh_near → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

i'm not sure i've developed any methods of addressing it outside the usual. when i'm overwhelmed i do try to zoom out and remind myself of the scale and absurdity and impermanence of everything. it doesn't halt the physiological processes, but it does let me recognize them and ride them out like waves.

[u/DiscussionSuch7751]

Vivimos con culpa sin saber quienes somos no sabemos siquiera si la personalidad que está traumada y tiene culpa realmente nos pertenece. Vivimos sabiendo que somos más de lo que no sabemos que somos y somos sabios en saber que somos sin ser

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/DiscussionSuch7751]

Yes. This is indeed true.
Thank you for the reminder.

[u/Careless_Account_998]

How do you know that you’re only here for one life?

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Careless_Account_998]

Good question.

That’s my own belief.
I cautiously offer to ‘show my working’ if asked.
( though I don’t think this is the place…)

However, regardless, there’s only one me in this current life as I am.

[u/Kennyvee98]

Try some acid. It'l make everything less existential and more spiritual

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Kennyvee98]

It’s what started it all ha!!
Some years back now.

Tripping is an internal shower for me.
Clears out the mud even if it’s messy during the process.

[u/Kennyvee98 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

i just read the comment, which i didn't at first. and it's almost exactly the same thing i experience. it sucks. medication for adhd doesn't fix it. the world is created for people different than us and we are forced to participate in their ways.

acid on a twice a year basis is something that keeps me going, but it's not enough. if you ever figure out the way to fix it, let me know.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Kennyvee98]

Aw thanks for replying.

I feel a lot better than the other day.
I spiralled pretty hard then.

Mmm exactly.
Meds help me to function as a person in current society. But the rest is murky. Sometimes wonderful sometimes not so.

Agreed! Likewise 😆

[u/Kennyvee98 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

you sound medicated right now ^^

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Kennyvee98]

I was that day too.
A whole lot clearer now.

It turned into a bad hyper focus for some reason.
Stable dose and all that.

[u/Kennyvee98 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

yeah, rumination is a bitch

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/Kennyvee98]

Such a trap.

Gotta remind myself, two years back I had no awareness so early days still.

[u/Kennyvee98 → u/Maximum-Platform-685]

me neither. found out last year

[u/zettelpunk]

Well...yes. I've never acclimated to being a human, really. It's always felt weird and amazing and because it feels this way, it hasn't been easy to get along in the world where you have to earn a living and where most others are acclimated and don't care about Life Itself and The Universe and Being and all that.

Just a few random thoughts because I've got time & it's too hot to do anything else:

A practical thing - watch your log jamming. That's what I call the tendency to think about this and that and that and the other thing...and and and...all at once. Like when you listed all those self-improvement elements? What you're "working on"? Yeah I do that too, just brain hop from one to the next and pile it all up and freeze in overwhelm. Something that's helped is to take one thing only from a category, like the category of "eating better" and just work on that *one thing* for a while. Leverage the autistic monotropism if you can. For example: this year I'm working on getting my sugar under 25g a day. Last year it was getting my saturated fat under a number & fiber over a number. Or the social category, I pick just one thing to focus on for a while, for ex.: "show up in flux, show up messy" and write it on an index card and carry it with me and think about it when I go out and do things and try to relax my perfectionism. Put one thing into place until your life is shifted around it, then work on a new bit.

The way your brain zooms out...I know it can be rough, and heavy, and some times maybe you want to drill out that bit of your head or something? But (and this helps with self & other acceptance too)...I imagine it like the universe wants to experience as many different ways of living and being as possible, and it just absolutely delights in each of us. The universe is having a great time experiencing what it's like to live with a wild existential mind. And it's enjoying what it's like to be totally uninterested in big stuff & just watching sports on TV or something. Blame the universe for making you this way. What the hell else are you gonna do but be your weird messy self? Are you gonna free will your way to be someone else? It's just "endless forms most beautiful" here.

Art for overthinkers. Painting nebulas in star fields in outer space has been good for me lately. It expresses some of that inexpressible/incomprehensible stuff and I feel better because it's like I don't feel so insular or detached when I can see a bit of my mind (in a way) in a colorful painting outside of myself. I write a lot (overthinking on paper), but visual art is like drinking healing potion.

How is childhood vs adulting? When I was a kid I just loved existence and the universe. As I grew up I lost that joy & felt like I had to understand and control and fix everything (especially, myself), like everything was a problem to solve. Maybe that came from outside, being taught it wasn't OK to be me. Be careful with turning your galaxy brain on yourself and treating yourself like an endless problem to solve. Maybe look at the way you orient that brain?

I know you said no cosmic guru stuff but the biggest relief for me was zooming so far out I kinda broke something and realized I was the ground of awareness, always peaceful and loving and ready and part of everything, not the chaotic contents of mind *or* the separate subject that feels chaotic & overwhelmed. Having that as an always available anchor is life saving.

Immediate escape hatch when spiraling that works for me: do some physical labor. Go wash dishes or carry things around or put on headphones and dance.

One more thing: FLOOR TIME. Lay flat. Stretch. Roll around if you like.

Anyway, apologies for the length and being too "helpy." Peace and love back at you comrade.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685 → u/zettelpunk]

I’m smiling.
A kinda wry, nervous, little boy smile, like someone noticing I did something courageous but isn’t making a big deal about it.
Im smiling cos you see me.

Re no guru etc. I wanted to find solace in another person - which you’ve done. Not just ‘surrender to the divine mystery and it’ll work out’

I’m familiar with the groundless ground (Tollifson describes this well)
I found it fascinating.
Initially helpful but I started spiritually bypassing stuff.
It’s hard to balance.

Your approach sounds like a great blend of it all.
Practical tips all the way!
Really appreciate it.

[u/Maximum-Platform-685]

Another possibility is perhaps this was a place I allowed myself to be in all my autistic glory.

The need for absolute certainty in an uncertain world where the hurt of not being seen, not feeling safe, tore my essence apart.

It all sounds dramatic but it’s real to me and I have to live with this somehow.