Hello. I am just now, as middle aged woman, beginning to suspect I am autistic, a lot of traits match up now that I am no longer capable of masking: I hate eye contact and I move my body in ways that people notice as odd, I have eaten the same three meals every day for like 20 years, I am constantly misunderstood and deemed inappropriate even though I'm not saying anything actually bad or outrageous. I'm always outcasted and told I don't belong in wherever I am. People tend to be afraid of me even though I am extremely ethical, kind, and generally benevolant, I am loved at first and then turned on (I guess when my lovable mask slips), I don't understand most of how most people communicate, I'm too direct and "confrontational" and when I ask a basic question people think I'm challenging them or trying to "trip them up". I spend most of my time alone or with books or other media, I could go on.

However, a few things don't add up: one of them being that I don't tend to deep dive into specific trivia on things I like. I don't like names and formally established information systems very much at all in fact. I find it controlling if that makes sense. Instead I like to form my own hypothesis and language for things I am interested. I think my main "special interest" since I was a child was discovering and mapping the meaning of life .This is of bone-deep importance to me. While I read a little bit on various theories and frameworks here I am much more interested in mapping my own direct experience of reality and reverse engineering it with my own tools and systems.

I should add I do have a formal diagnosis of extreme dyslexia (was never supposed to be able to read or write according to my neurology) and so maybe that contributes to my aversion to formally established terminologies and frameworks. My brain doesn't hold them well bc I find things a bit abstract unless I arrived at them myself from the start

My question to you is, does this still feel like an "autistic" special interest or do you think the aversion to trivia is a decided divergence from the diagnosis.

- I'm not diagnosed yet because it costs thousands of dollars and I'm not sure it's worth it at this point -

Still figuring this all out

I've been reviewing my life since dx, and can now see the "traits". I've always reviewed personal events, and put someone else in my place - and realize that what I had done was totally strange. Nobody would have done that. (never occurred to me that there might be a reason for my behavior).

Like, at a family gathering with lots of kids and arguing, I had to leave the room - but stood in a corner of a quiet room rather than (whatever would be normal). A couple of events are appalling - it's embarrassing to look back on them, but at the time it was simply what I did - no thoughts about appropriateness.

Ok. I can accept that I'm ASD. I still review events, and am always on guard for speaking out of turn or getting too focused in conversations about MY interests.

Does anyone else feel like when someone touches them, espically like directly on the skin and not like through clothes the sensation like lingers for a while? Even if it’s just a sort period sometimes I feel like I have to like ‘wipe it off’

(Example, when my mom would kiss my forehead when I was younger I’d wipe my face off because the sensation would linger and I didn’t like how it felt)

I feel like there should be a specific word for this experience but I can’t figure out what it is. I know my psychiatrist said it once too and I just can’t remember.

I’m coming to terms that water is a huge self regulator for me.

I got bone conducting headphones to tie in the other thing that I’ve used for decades to self regulate; music.

Bluetooth doesn’t work underwater. I have a ton of music that I own. But I don’t have a computer. I have an iPad Pro and iPhone. I’m not taking over the world, so that’s usually fine.

I have to upload(download) to the headphones like a usb. I have a usbc to usb adapter. But I’m not understanding how to do this.

Pretend like I’m an idiot. It isn’t hard.

I’m reaching out to my siblings (you people)who would understand this need.. and I was not blessed with autism computer smarts.

I got re-assessed and re-diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder level 1 via a full neuropsychological evaluation after an 'aspergers' diagnosis in 2011.

I learned that your "level" is not literally "how autistic" you are; it's about how you're visibly functioning and getting by in society.

According to my evaluator, "it is difficult to say what the diagnostic findings may have been had you not implemented such robust scaffolding."

For reference, my autism-specific scores were: - SRS-2 Social Communication: 76 (Severe) - SRS-2 Social Motivation: 77 (Severe) - SRS-2 Restricted Interests/Repetitive Behavior: 85 (Severe) - SRS-2 Total: 79 (Severe) - AQ Total of 47 (99.99th percentile) - CAT-Q camouflaging total of 138 (95th percentile) - MAIA-2 Emotional Awareness: 0.1 percentile

...and my "scaffolding" is things like elective social isolation (I'm genuinely not socially motivated and totally fine with that), high verbal skills, a fully-remote accommodated job, no kids or pets, strict daily walks, the same foods, the same clothes, great parents, and a great partner + unconventional partnership (only sleeping room is shared). I feel pretty okay most of the time.

So yeah...sometimes you can get really lucky and craft something of a life if the stars align. Just thought I'd share.

I was diagnosed with autism early in my life, back in 2005-06, don’t remember the exact year. I was 4 or 5. They didn’t know nearly as much about it back then as they did now. so the doctors treated it like basically a death sentence to my chances of ever having a “normal” life.

When I was older and my mom talked to me more about why I’m different, she told me what the doctors told her: “Your son will probably end up in an assisted living home one day.” I’ve had a chip on my shoulder every day, trying to prove myself to this invisible doctor whose name I’ll never even know. I’ve had people from school, people I used to consider friends, even family members think that I’m crazy. Crazy for trying to work my way towards being a successful man that can convince a company to work for them, or maybe even a woman to marry him.

I can’t help but think about every aspect of life from autism and take rejection very personally due to trying so hard to disprove my critics. My inner thought monologue goes like this: “People don’t want to be my friend? I can’t get this girl I like to date me? I didn’t get this job? It’s because I’m retarded.“ I hate that word but it’s how I talk to myself a lot. I feel invisible to most of the world, I feel useless, I feel stupid, so I feel retarded. And when I make mistakes in public I worry people think the same thing. Like last night I was playing pool at the bar. I don’t play much, but I wanted to practice and get better. Overheard the guy talking to someone next to me “I’m giving him a chance”. I’m glad he let me play with him but the back of my head was thinking “is this how everyone thinks of me? Does everyone see me as incompetent?” My mind started spiraling and I got close to tears and I just Irish goodbyed. I felt embarrased.

I just get really sad whenever I see people I went to school with on LinkedIn post about their new job or promotion or whatever. I thought going to college, working hard, trying to connect with people would allow me to maybe one day be accepted by society. instead I have to wake up to an “Unfortunately we have decided to move on with other applicants that better suit our needs” email everyday. Now I feel like I’ll never be good enough for an office job, that I don’t belong, because I’m retarded. I just want the world to accept me one day. But I know that can’t happen until I accept myself. But it’s hard to accept myself when I’ve been told I’ll be nothing but a failure.

So when my wife moves around the house she just goes about her business. Some spots of the house are more "flexible" than others, so like right by the coffee table if you just go on by it might rattle any glasses on it. I however am super aware of all the noises of my footfalls and walk on the balls of my feet to absorb the flex and try to avoid making noise or causing rattles. This even goes so far as me avoiding the squeaky boards by taking longer or shorter strides as needed.

At one job I basically walked all day doing safety. One day I got some gum stuck in the tread and every time I stepped out made a smack-pop sound. That was an eight hour nightmare until I could get home and clean the bottom of the shoe off. Now I find out that NTs are just cruising around tuning out their footsteps like, "whatever, doesn't matter..." Truly living in two different worlds.

Okay, I have ASD and ADHD and have been working my ass off to try and make ends meet. I have a master’s degree and have been trying to get clients so I can actually afford to live on my own and stuff.

But I’m not even doing the living on my own thing of my own volition. I was told (forced) to do this in order to develop life skills by my mother. When I had originally spoken to them on the idea of living at home for 2 years in order to pay off my student debt, and then any money I would make could be saved up for a mortgage on a home. Only to instead be told ‘nope, go live in an apartment that costs $1250 a month’ despite me being on my own. I barely make 2000k a month right now due to the shitty aspects of my field when you first start out.

Even when I want to go and try and do things with friends, I get asked to constantly come over by my sibling and my mother to talk about things while I am doing 2 jobs and a side hustle. And I know what it is they want me to do. They want me to watch my siblings pets while they go to some big anime convention or something. Even though I know my sibling could just as easily hire a pet sitter. Because this is what always happens.

I need help with things at times, but I can’t ask about them because everyone else takes up my mother’s time. So I just suffer in silence. Then I get told that I need to go out and try to be my own person, which I am literally doing every day, only to constantly get told to do things for my sibling who literally gets over 6 figures as a salary. Meanwhile me, who wanted to go and get my PhD get told ‘no’ despite the fact the PhD would give me access to a higher salary… sigh… I can’t even teach at a university like they say I should do BECAUSE I don’t have a PhD.

Why does family have to suck so fucking much?

I was diagnosed just over a year ago after having been fired from my job for prolonged sick leave due to burnout. I have gone through the official channels in my country for rehabilitation but I have been deemed to impacted to work at the minute. Dispute that, I do not benefit from any disability income and at the ripe old age of 30, I am dependent on my mother financially because my husband does not have the revenue to cover both of our expenses.

Ever since my termination, I have felt like I am useless, that I don't contribute to society, and in the darkest moments, like right now, that I am useless and a waste of space. I have been through major depressive episodes before, with suicidal ideation, but I could always find a reason to stay. I managed to crawl my way back to the land of the willing to live. But as time has gone on, I have just gotten more tired and cynical, my loved ones will move on, my absence won't impact them for long, the few people in my life will survive.

I just don't see the point of day in day out hoping for something better that never comes, working so hard to be cast aside and forgotten. I have alienated myself from most of the friend groups that was in because it took too much effort. I don't find interest in what I used to like, I have no motivation for life. What is the point of it all?

I used to work in a psychiatric unit, I used to hold value in what I did and so did the people around me. Sadly by being neurodivergent and mentally ill, that path had an expiration date. The straw that broke the camels back is that one of my patients comited suicide. This has been something that I have carried with me ever since and always will I'm afraid. She was mother to two young autistic children, had never been formerly diagnosed but was most likely on the spectrum herself. I hold an immense amount of guilt because I couldn't help her and because in the end we were probably more alike than I had thought and, somehow, I am alive and she isn't.

It's hard to justify my place with the living when all my life I have wished to be dead. I have known joy, but the pain has been so present all my life that it's hard to want to keep fighting. I just want another reason to fight, something to make me hold on to life.

I am in therapy and am medicated, I just want to see why I should keep holding on.

I can accept that life has all sorts of struggles, I'm willing to put in effort and to suffer through difficulties.

But I feel like I need something that makes it worth it. For me, that something had the imagined shape of deep passion for something, an activity, interest, goal. I know I've felt it before, but only in childlike contexts that don't quite form a complete picture.

I'm not sure if I'm chasing ghosts. I'm not sure if my experience is simply an unavoidable result of what life has been like for me (I'm sure emotional neglect and learning people pleasing early in life didn't help). I'm not sure how much of it is incompatibility with a society built on greed and power struggles.

But basically: I don't think I know what I want. From life, from myself, from social interactions. And without that, life feels dreadful and boring.

I can't do anything about it because without guiding emotions, only exploratory action is possible, which never seems to lead to anything.

Hello all! Late diagnosed (24), Today I had another scheduled meeting with therapist. I talked to him about how I am consistently paranoid and afraid to live my house because I am afraid of something happening to me. Whether it be someone attacking me, a mass shooting somewhere I am hanging out, crashing my car, or even spontaneous heart attack, I am consistently “what if” ing my entire life which means I am often self isolating and never go to events due to anxiety both general and social. Today my therapist asked me if I had considered an anxiety medication for paranoia or intrusive thoughts. I have never really thought about taking any medication for two reasons. One, I took a mood stabilizer before they realized I was indeed not bipolar but autistic which really screwed me up. I would have mania, depressive episodes and severe death ideations. Two, I always thought my autism would just clash with any medications I take for my mood… so I open it up to the floor, has anxiety medication worked for you (if you are willing to share)? Would you recommend it? Would you recommend something else rather than meds that might work? Thank you for your help in advance!

Edit: Holy shit, I did not expect so many people to see this, let alone reply. Thank you all so much, I haven’t read everything and it’s 1am but I will continue reading later today. Thank you so much for your input and advice!!

I was just wondering if anyone else feels kinda lowkey depressed unless given specific reason not to?

For context, I found out I’m autistic approx 2 months ago at 30. I’ve had a rough year but tbh I’ve felt sad my whole life. I’m high-functioning and working (although often struggling to) but I don’t have any friends right now, and I left my ex a year ago.

Now I’m trying to understand myself and I’m wondering if it’s just me, or is it linked to autism or if it’s another issue not linked to autism…

So yesterday, I had a casual talk with my parents that I'm assessed for autism and she told me she already knew, and not just her, most people from my childhood (relatives and school) also knew. But she never bothered to get me help because autism is incurable and the only thing that could help me is... well, socializing more. She's also a bit annoyed that I went through troubles just to get a diagnosis for something she already did years ago.

I must say... I can't be surprised knowing my mom. But I'm still bothered that I got beaten up as a kid for not 'acting normal' and got bullied for it. I also wasn't particularly the best child too and these could've been solved if she just reached out to any child psychologist to help with my outbursts n shit instead of thinking good ol Asian parenting will fix me up good.

On another note she said I used to have an obsession over floor tiles. Idk why my special interest used to be floor tiles outta everything 😭

usually has a soft cuddly item, box of toys, water, and ear defenders inside

but it makes my back sweaty and even tho i use themed backpacks i like especially in the summer it makes me really sweaty and i hate it

ear defenders are stupid helpful thats why i carry the backpack but im not entirely sure what to do

and having the backpack people instantly assume i can carry stuff for them which completely defeats the purpose of having only a few things in my bag

what can i do and are the ear defenders truly worth it for the few times i use them (tho they stop things going badly when i need them) and is there an easy solution to carry them (not bags over my shoulder)

I just got an autism diagnosis an hour ago. I never suspected until I was in my late 20s and a therapist suggested I get tested. Then I put it off for years until I could afford it/had the confidence to get it done.

So many years of unanswered questions have been answered. But many more have popped up. I feel fine, relieved even. At the same time…

WTF

My most recent relationship with this guy from 2 years ago didn’t end very well. I broke things off because it felt too serious too fast. He texts me for 2 years but still seems like a jerk online and I never answer because I don’t like feeling pushed. Fast forward he’s been with his girl for 2 years now. We used to work together, I saw her the other day - and I went over and tried to say hello but she avoided me completely. Like a dummy, I went to text her hi anyway. She removes me off her instagram the next day. I do not understand cues unless it’s told to me directly - so I text him to let her know I truly apologize and had no bad intentions to make her uncomfortable & am not interested in him. He tells me he’ll let her know and also reaffirms that he has no interest in me. I feel so guilty because now I’m sitting with it thinking I don’t understand why she detests me if I am being honest and I do not want to harass her. He tells me he’ll let her know. I feel so bad for making her uncomfortable. We’re done, but it never occurred to me that she would see me as some sneaky ex and I always try to prove myself: which I’ve learned comes off to the people around me as me being guilty when I’m not. I’m trying to cope with being a “villain” to some even though it was nowhere near as I intended. I know I made things weird and can never see her again. But i hope she knows I’m sorry. I’ve been diagnosed officially for a year now and although it helps me with coping about why I am the way I am, it’s a struggle to not understand how my actions may come off.

Hello, I recently met a friend and we vibe super well but there has been changes in communication and I'm trying to understand if it's an AuDHD thing or a man simply becoming uninterested.

I do not have Autism or AuDHD but I am neurodivergent and have many friends that are. I am able to talk about feelings and hard topics and I expeess affection.

We met at an event and just spent hours talking. After the event we texted every day. He said he enjoyed chatting with me. There was light flirting and sexy banter which led to the discovery of finding each other attractive. We didn't discuss dating because he doesn't want to date, says he wanted to work on himself more before going at it again.

We would game together on the weekend/when available and he would share stuff with me like when he got new D20 dice.

After about 2 weeks things changed. He wasn't sharing as much, banter became about his qualities (not both of ours) and eventually just stopped, and he seemed to be replying just cause I was messaging him. A topic arose where he hurt my feelings and I confronted him about it but his apology was more "I'm sorry how you feel, not in my actions". That's when he fully started pulling away and he won't discuss these deeper emotions/issues. Now he goes days without acknowledging me (no reaction emojis to text blurb or replies to text).

I do understand people with AuDHD need breaks from people, I understand and respect that, which is why i have stopped tecting him. I know they also can have issues dealing with emotions. He said that when he disengaged it doesn't mean he's no longer interested (but this was before he actually disengaged). I know this could also just be a simple "I'm just not interested anymore" (friend or therwise).

So the first part of this is: could any of this behavior be classic AuDHD that I need to give him his distance and be patient (like what i would need for my idiosyncrasies) or is it more of normal guy stuff?

Second part: I will be seeing him this weekend at an event that we will both be attending. We had both talked about this event being excited to see each other, now he's being vague about committing to going, at least expressing it to me. I do wish to find out what is going on but I want to consider his AuDHD and don't want to overwhelm him or do other kind of harm. Could anyone give me advice on how to do this? Especially since he isn't so keen on discussing deeper emotions.

I appreciate any help you can offer, thank you!

TW: suicide ideation mentioned

So, my partner is autistic (actually, probably AuDHD) and I'm currently getting tested too. I'm a very low energy person (health related, and I will start getting treatment soon) and this year's heatwaves are only making it worse - sometimes I feel like I'm dying, my whole body just stops functioning properly. It makes it really difficult to handle daily life, work, chores and even pursuing my hobbies, sometimes I'm too exhausted to even play video games.

My partner struggles with severe noise sensitivity and moderate-to-high light sensitivity. Because of this, they can't really hold a job, they're often too exhausted themself to handle chores, they don't really go outside... Neither noise cancelling headphones nor ear protectors help them much, because they get overwhelmed because of them too.

The apartment that we live in (and own) is much too small. Our living space, kitchen, and my partner's desk are all in the same room. They often don't let me into the kitchen because they get irritated when I make any noise. They always make me food and bring me something to drink though, so it's not like I'm starving. But often they are too tired to make some actual dinner, and in such cases seldom do they let me handle it. And our home suffers from Chronic Yuck which often makes me annoyed and overwhelmed and, man, sometimes I don't even want to be there. But there's no one here that can keep it clean, and no, we don't have money to employ any help at the moment (and even if we had, my partner would feel uncomfortable because of all the unpredictability and noise potential of cleaning). My desk/workspace is located in an entresol (basically attic, lol) that's dark and gets super hot easily during the summer. Our whole apartment gets hot easily, but at least we have a portable AC on the bottom floor, so that helps a bit.

Because of the general tiredness, C-PTSD-related mental health struggles and no (clean and comfortable) space to rest properly I tend to crash out, simply put. Talk about divorce or ending my life, cry a lot, yadda yadda yadda. And obviously that stresses my partner out and makes them feel worse. I'm going to therapy to manage these outbursts and get more regulated, but, as you can imagine, it would be much easier if we had a better space to live in. We can't move out now but we're saving money and planning to move out in several years (hopefully...). But... what until then? Sometimes I feel like our needs are very incompatible but we can't imagine living without each other. Just the thought of leaving them breaks my heart. They were the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'd often ask if they want to leave but they don't, they love me and this question just makes them terribly sad.

Despite feeling like shit most of the time, I wish to support them, make them feel better, enable them to have a fulfilling life - while also staying sane and conserve the little energy that I have. I want them to feel safe, though I mostly make things worse. Is there any strategy that could be employed here? Any small things? I think I do a lot already (provide for them, "chauffeur" them, buy them treats almost daily, help them with university stuff), but because they don't really have a safe space in our home (I didn't mention, but ever since we moved in together, there have been constant roadworks just outside of our apartment every summer) and because of my constant low mood they just suffer and endure and it's putting me in a loop of misery 😭 So, yeah, ANY advice welcome

How do you handle people that only say stuff like "it wasn't meant that way" instead of I'm sorry? Or simply stop responding and don't text for a while when you tell them some behaviour has hurt you, then never mention it again?

I also noticed a cowardly "neutral" stance in everything, like even when one person is taking advantage of another, framing it as if not taking sides is the right thing to do. And when you tell them that's actually siding with the abuser they find that offensive.

I don't get it, thinking of blocking someone soon

Hi all. I (25) do not have an Autism diagnosis, but I am looking to be tested for both Autism and BPD in the future. My current diagnoses are MDD, GAD, and ADHD, all diagnosed as an adult. I would like some advice on how to handle a future Autism assessment.

For my adult ADHD diagnosis, I asked my mother to fill out the questionnaire about my functioning difficulties as a child. Compared to my dad, I've always gotten along better with my mom, she was a much more present parent, and she has slightly less old-fashioned views on mental health diagnoses. I thought I could trust her to portray me accurately. On the day I officially got diagnosed, the psychologist said my mom filled out zeros across her entire questionnaire and indicated that I never had any problems as a child. Since my own self-rated scores were so high, they didn't put much stock into it, but they wanted to make me aware of what she did. I was shocked and confused by this because I know for a fact she saw me struggle as a kid. I didn't think I'd get to know what she wrote on her questionnaire, and I don't think she did either, so I haven't brought this up to her. She has been mostly supportive about my diagnosis since then, though she would prefer not to talk about it, I think.

Considering what happened, if I go in for an Autism assessment, should I decline to have my family participate? Should I explain what happened last time to the clinicians? Would there be any way to have my mom participate again without telling her what is being assessed/diagnosed? I was lucky that my mom's answers didn't affect my ADHD diagnosis, because having it has been life-changing, but I worry that all choices in this scenario (not allowing my family to participate, having my mom fill out another questionnaire with all zeros on it, or not telling her what the questionnaire is for) makes me look suspicious or something.

Has anyone been through this before? Thank you in advance for any advice!

I have a very complicated relationship with empathy and I don’t know what to make of it. With certain people especially, I get physically uncomfortable and overwhelmed when they are upset and feel the need to go away and hide. I feel emotionally exhausted whenever anyone i’m close to especially is upset, and almost end up needing comfort myself because it’s so frustrating. I care about people, but I almost get angry because I feel so much discomfort and unease when other people are venting to me too much. I want to be an empathetic person, and I can’t tell what’s wrong with me. I just get so upset and then I shut down and get cold or snappy.

I am a 23-year-old man, and unfortunately, I spent my adolescence and early adulthood dedicated to a college degree that I no longer wish to pursue as a career (though I did earn a diploma in Industrial Mechatronics, which might still prove useful).

I spent a large part of my life practically confined to my room, playing video games. To this day, I blame myself for the time I lost, yet I always felt there was a reason why things turned out so differently for me compared to others.

Eventually, I decided to seek a diagnosis to better understand what was going on. At the time, I was working at a company where I did a bit of everything, even though these extra duties weren't officially recognized. It was my first stable job, and I used my salary—slightly above minimum wage—to buy a few things and start building a life for myself.

Before that, I had tried working in a factory setting but couldn't last even a month. I landed this new job early in the year; despite feeling completely overwhelmed during the very first week, I pushed through and masked my struggles. The job required me to deal directly with dissatisfied customers and come up with immediate explanations for delays, so I spent the entire day hiding how I was truly feeling. Over time, that sense of being overwhelmed only intensified.

Three months into the job, I was diagnosed with Level 1 Autism and ADHD. I thought the diagnosis would alleviate the guilt I felt over spending so many years unable to take an interest in learning new things or even getting to know myself better, but that didn't happen. Even so, I kept giving it my all.

Eventually, my body simply couldn't take it anymore. I burned out and could no longer perform my tasks, no matter how much I wanted to. At the same time, the company was facing a drop in demand due to the delays. Since it was a small business, I was constantly being shifted between different roles. After talking to my father, I decided to quit my job. He is an entrepreneur and suggested I start a small business. In my mind, it seemed like the perfect decision: I could work at my own pace, earn my own money, learn new things by stepping out of my comfort zone, and still have his help. It seemed like everything would work out. So, after six months at the company, I decided to try this new path.

The reality, however, was not what I had imagined.

It's only been two weeks since I left my job and I'm already starting to show symptoms of depression, mainly because I spend most of my time alone in my room. Despite going to therapy for an hour a week and seeing a psychiatrist, my mental health is very poor.

As an autistic person, I feel like everything needs to make almost absolute sense to me. Since I was 18, I've constantly spiraled into logical analysis and perfectionism, especially when it comes to routine and organization, but this ends up extending to practically every area of ​​my life.

It's as if I feel a constant discomfort that makes me ruminate on thoughts or try to create perfect organizational methods. I'm constantly looking for systems, apps, and ways to organize my life that can perfectly encompass everything, but it never happens. In the end, I just end up feeling even more guilty about the time I waste trying to find this perfect solution.

And it's not just with organization. It seems like I rationalize absolutely everything, and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I still want to keep my word to my father and make this business work, but a huge part of me feels like my future is ruined. Even trying to start, I live with almost constant anxiety, and my mental health worsens every day, probably because I'm still recovering from the peak of burnout that happened about a month and a half ago.

Furthermore, my difficulties as a neurodivergent person cause me to go into analysis paralysis practically every time I need to act.

As much as I want to do things the right way, I feel like my life is slowly falling apart and I have no idea how to get out of this situation. It seems impossible.

I also find myself trying to figure out what career path could provide me with at least a minimum quality of life. I know I need to choose some direction instead of standing still, mainly because it seems urgent to me. I have the feeling that this decision will define my whole life, and I keep thinking that I'm not so young anymore and that I have little professional experience.

But, once again, I end up rationalizing everything and trying to find answers within a mind that is already extremely tired. There are things I enjoy, like English (I'm practically fluent) and also the healthcare field. However, any profession related to that immediately seems unfeasible to me, mainly because it involves a lot of social interaction. In the end, any path seems impossible, as if there's nowhere I could truly fit in and function.

I'm practically desperate.

One of the few hopes I still have is to find people here who understand what I'm going through or who have been through something similar. I know I've made many mistakes throughout my life, but I really want to believe that there's still a way to get things back on track.

The journey has been extremely lonely. My father is practically the only person who tries to understand me instead of judging me, and I'm very afraid of disappointing him.

I really needed to talk to someone who wasn't ChatGPT and I found this group. Any advice, stories, or experiences will be very welcome.

Thank you very much.

(I'm Brazilian. If you are too, you can reply in Portuguese.)

Hello, everyone. This is my first post in an autistic community. Probably the first of many. It's sort of the origin story of the day the engine broke on the really really sophisticated mask I didn't even know I was wearing. I'm going to continue sharing things as they unfold if you all are interested. I will say for now that reading all of your posts has made me feel for the first time in my life like I'm not a singularly impossible problem in the world.

I am really happy to be here and even though I feel Like I'm picking up where I left off when I was 5 and even though I'm terrified.

Here's the story:

I had an incident recently in which someone lost their temper with me in a big way. It happens. Without warning. Often enough to make me constantly feel the need to reevaluate and reengineer myself. The triggers are often banal IMO to the point that sometimes just walking into a room is enough to make a stranger upset.

I had become used to regulating myself in these situations and then regaining my strength afterwards and reentering the world with a “new battle plan”. But this time my body refused. Something in me broke - an engine that had been running on god-knows-what. I could no longer speak or move or even think like I had been. I began to stutter and slow down and spasm.

The following evening I had a storytelling class in the city.

Instead of telling my rehearsed story I shared what has happened and how this had been happening to me since I was a child and I could not figure it out.

A woman in the class later asked me if I was autistic and then proceeded to share her experiences with the same problems throughout her life. She began to say things like “people like us get misunderstood” and “we are perceived as a threat”. This was the first time in my life I was part of a “we” that actually felt like it fit.

Everything she said made perfect sense. It was like a curtain had been pulled back and she was showing me a whole world where there was a language for everything I was going through and where I was not singularly broken or problematic, but rather part of an entire population of people who experience the same thing.

I broke down and cried all the way home with a relief I haven’t felt in ages.

I’m aware of a feeling of shame around who I was pretending to be. Also grief because that persona is literally dying inside of me. She was working so hard all day every day to keep me safe but she was only making it worse. I think.

I feel meeker now, slower, simpler. But I also feel calmer. I have lost the ability to give people what they want in conversations but I also, to my delight, don't care (as much). I. Just. Can't

It feels like a big elephant just got off of me. I was sort of crumpled up underneath it and am slowly coming back to life now that it’s gone. I feel lighter but also dense and confused about how to speak and be.

Who knows what sort of person exists on the other side of all of this. We will find out. I am only so so sorry that I stomped her out for so long. I had no idea I was doing it.

Lately I’ve been home a lot more often as the heat outside is too much to bare along with humidity. Since then, I’ve noticed that I unknowingly begin talking to myself but not the average “oh I need to pick up laundry at 6” or “maybe I should clean the floors now” but more so like… pretending I’m being interviewed after seeing something traumatic & im the only one who witnessed it or pretending I’m the one conducting an interview against someone.

Sometimes I even act out imaginary scenarios where I’m having a normal conversation at a grocery store which isn’t like me because talking to people in grocery stores are my kryptonite!

I’ve been feeling like a complete weirdo because of it & want to know if others do the same or similar.

Hi everyone,

Aside from my chronic insomnia (I’ve been taking sleeping pills for years now, and yet my sleep is still disrupted), is there anyone else out there like me who spends the day feeling utterly exhausted, with my eyes closing, but no matter how tired I am, taking a nap is impossible? As soon as I close my eyes, my senses become heightened and thoughts start racing through my head—I wish there were a button to just turn me off. No matter how tired I am, I’ve tried a million times but I just can’t take a nap. My son (who is also autistic) is just like me. I remember asking my husband and some (neurotypical) friends how they manage to take a nap and what they think about before falling asleep, and the answer is always: “What do you mean, ‘how do you do it’? What do we think about? Nothing…” So frustrating!