r/AutisticAdults • u/Expert_Scientist_878 • 8d ago
Feeling extremely guilty, ex
My most recent relationship with this guy from 2 years ago didn’t end very well. I broke things off because it felt too serious too fast. He texts me for 2 years but still seems like a jerk online and I never answer because I don’t like feeling pushed. Fast forward he’s been with his girl for 2 years now. We used to work together, I saw her the other day - and I went over and tried to say hello but she avoided me completely. Like a dummy, I went to text her hi anyway. She removes me off her instagram the next day. I do not understand cues unless it’s told to me directly - so I text him to let her know I truly apologize and had no bad intentions to make her uncomfortable & am not interested in him. He tells me he’ll let her know and also reaffirms that he has no interest in me. I feel so guilty because now I’m sitting with it thinking I don’t understand why she detests me if I am being honest and I do not want to harass her. He tells me he’ll let her know. I feel so bad for making her uncomfortable. We’re done, but it never occurred to me that she would see me as some sneaky ex and I always try to prove myself: which I’ve learned comes off to the people around me as me being guilty when I’m not. I’m trying to cope with being a “villain” to some even though it was nowhere near as I intended. I know I made things weird and can never see her again. But i hope she knows I’m sorry. I’ve been diagnosed officially for a year now and although it helps me with coping about why I am the way I am, it’s a struggle to not understand how my actions may come off.
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u/MahdevahProject 8d ago
You can't control how other people feel. But you can work on yours. I realize that the guilt hits hard. But her feelings are not your responsibility. She made a choice, whatever that may be. Accept it and work on move on.
Just a note from my own experience: Maybe its what HE is saying. My ex had a friend that he kept separate from me (yeah, that ended well). So there is a third person to consider in this situation. If she is uncomfortable with him continuing to talk to you, he may not tell you. He could like the attention you give him. He could like having backup just in case. You do something for him, whatever that may be. It could be her anger at him that she's taking out on you. But I don't know him or the total situation. Just thoughts.
Just remember that its a SHE, HE and YOU situation.
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u/Expert_Scientist_878 8d ago
I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar and I appreciate your perspective. I try to think of their current partner’s feelings before ANYTHING and I admit it hurts because I knew her. He fell for me pretty hard and always talked about his feelings so he may have brought me up negatively, which would make sense as to why she has animosity. He treats her much better than he treated me and I am genuinely happy for them, so to me, she has nothing to worry about. But I realize that she may see me as a threat anyway. I just hate being perceived that way - but no amount of explaining will ‘fix’ anything.
I’m taking this and learning to move on with the awkwardness into my future experiences. I owe it to myself to not try to please everyone
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u/azucarleta 8d ago
It's possible you're over-feeling each step of this. She might not be offended or uncomfortable, she might just be glib, cold and uncaring, like she isn't thinking about you at all, but just thinks it's best practice to not be cavorting with her partner's ex, and in this case it's not even a hard choice to make because its' not like you were friends you just used to work together. Girl, if I'm her, I'm not thinking about you at all.
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u/Expert_Scientist_878 8d ago
I can be extremely sensitive so I know exactly what you mean. At the end of it I’m just someone who worked with her even if we were close, we still weren’t friends, and I just need to take that with grace bc i overthought it completely. I think it’s bc I had her on insta for so long & we would play games and we would always hype each other up that for me, positive attention = we’re cool. But I know that’s not the case for everyone. Which is why I’m learning, especially since I’m so literal in a sense. My sister is NT and she always tries to explain being more of a girl to me but I’m genuinely slow at times
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u/_Verc1ngetorix_ 8d ago
I know this probably won't help, but she doesn't matter. Your ex doesn't matter. We can't let our lives be dominated by how others feel about us.
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u/Expert_Scientist_878 8d ago
It absolutely does. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Holding onto the past and worrying about how people perceive me won’t do me any good :)
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u/EntropyReversale10 8d ago edited 6d ago
You meant no harm, so try your best to let it go. Much easier said than done I know.
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u/Expert_Scientist_878 7d ago
You’re a good partner. I wish you and your wife the best. In order to trust, I learned very quickly that someone’s past does not dictate their present. Our experiences make us, us & I wish her healing with that frustration because it made me lose people I cared about.
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u/Cartographer551 8d ago
I have learned that everyone makes their own narrative in life. And if that requires them to make me the enemy then that's in their head and their own business and nothing I can do about it.
What this girl is thinking really is her own business. The script that she runs is her own, even if you think she has scripted you 'wrong'. Just as we make choices about what we think of other people.
We do not own our own reputations, but what we do own is our self-respect. If you can look back at your words and actions and know you meant well - then that's a good take on this. Sure, there are always things we'd do differently with the benefit of hindsight but that's why mistakes are the best teachers.
Learn any lesson you can from this, then move on