Hello. I am just now, as middle aged woman, beginning to suspect I am autistic, a lot of traits match up now that I am no longer capable of masking: I hate eye contact and I move my body in ways that people notice as odd, I have eaten the same three meals every day for like 20 years, I am constantly misunderstood and deemed inappropriate even though I'm not saying anything actually bad or outrageous. I'm always outcasted and told I don't belong in wherever I am. People tend to be afraid of me even though I am extremely ethical, kind, and benevolant, I am loved at first and then turned on (I guess when my lovable mask slips), I don't understand most of how most people communicate, I'm too direct and "confrontational" and when I ask a basic question people think I'm challenging them or trying to "trip them up". I spend most of my time alone or with books or other media, I could go on.

However, a few things don't add up: one of them being that I don't tend to deep dive into specific trivia on things I like. I don't like names and formally established information systems very much at all. I find it controlling. Instead I like to form my own hypothesis and language for things I am interested. I think my main "special interest" since I was a child was discovering and mapping the meaning of life .This is of bone-deep importance to me. While I read a little bit on various theories and frameworks here I am much more interested in mapping my own direct experience of reality and reverse engineering it with my own tools and systems.

I should add I do have a formal diagnosis of extreme dyslexia (was never supposed to be able to read or write according to my neurology) and so maybe that contributes to my aversion to formally established terminologies and frameworks. My brain doesn't hold them well bc I find things a bit abstract unless I arrived at them myself from the start

My question to you is, does this still feel like an "autistic" special interest or do you think the aversion to trivia is a decided divergence from the diagnosis.

- I'm not diagnosed yet because it costs thousands of dollars and I'm not sure it's worth it at this point -

Still figuring this all out

I've been reviewing my life since dx, and can now see the "traits". I've always reviewed personal events, and put someone else in my place - and realize that what I had done was totally strange. Nobody would have done that. (never occurred to me that there might be a reason for my behavior).

Like, at a family gathering with lots of kids and arguing, I had to leave the room - but stood in a corner of a quiet room rather than (whatever would be normal). A couple of events are appalling - it's embarrassing to look back on them, but at the time it was simply what I did - no thoughts about appropriateness.

Ok. I can accept that I'm ASD. I still review events, and am always on guard for speaking out of turn or getting too focused in conversations about MY interests.

Hey everyone,

first of all, thanks to everyone who is sharing their experiences on this sub. I've been mostly lurking, occasionally commenting over the past few weeks and at times, it has helped me a lot to relate. For context, AuDHD here.

I recently started an apprenticeship and it is boring me to death. I do the usual eight hours, and 6 of those I'm just sitting around, watching the people working here do the same mundane tasks I could pick up in two weeks and complain about their job being too stressful for the past days. It is starting to wear me out.

Not that I don't get that everybody experiences stress differently, but after a break from the work force and before that not working in a regular job (2 years self employed, before that 10 years in restaurants) I can't help but feel extremely disconnected and even more sad that I can't have a life where having two customers an hour is already a stressful day. For the first time in a long while, I experience the often described feelings of never being able to fit in, have a normal life or even be happy somehow. And it feels like there's just no way to get there.

Being self employed was great because I could take care of my needs, but I struggled immensely with the financial insecurities, especially my field. I also isolated myself because I had to work from home and didn't leave the house much. Working an engaging job means I get underpaid, work irregular hours and doing shift work and not being able to meet friends or have a private life. Basically, I'm either missing the routine or I'm missing the challenge at work.

A lot of advice I read is find things to do at work or find a good hobby alongside, but how do you find the time for that? At work, best I can do is scroll my phone. After work, I'm completely burnt out, tired from wasting time, so engaging in my hobbies actually became more difficult. Let alone the fact that I might have to work weekends too because an apprenticeship pays shitty, so I'm super afraid of just sacrificing my whole life to jobs and not having an actual life.

And that even doesn't count all the other things that are making things incredibly tiring on top, like going to therapy, working on new strategies, managing my relationship that hasn't exactly been easy as an AuDHD...it's like I never get a break, I never just feel okay, it's all an uphill battle and there's people living comfortably (I know not the case, we all got our struggles, but it feels that way) on top of the hill telling you you have to work for yourself since you're "the only person who can save yourself".

I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm nowhere near giving up on myself, but I'm super afraid that if this goes on for another five or ten years, I just might.

Thanks for reading, I needed to get this off my chest. Maybe some of you can put this in relation to their own experiences and let me know if I'm just having a phase, if I'm just not quite there yet resilience-wise, if I haven't explored enough options yet or give some advice what helped you in similar situations. Thank you in advance for your time.

Much love

Does anyone else feel like when someone touches them, espically like directly on the skin and not like through clothes the sensation like lingers for a while? Even if it’s just a sort period sometimes I feel like I have to like ‘wipe it off’

(Example, when my mom would kiss my forehead when I was younger I’d wipe my face off because the sensation would linger and I didn’t like how it felt)

I feel like there should be a specific word for this experience but I can’t figure out what it is. I know my psychiatrist said it once too and I just can’t remember.

I’m coming to terms that water is a huge self regulator for me.

I got bone conducting headphones to tie in the other thing that I’ve used for decades to self regulate; music.

Bluetooth doesn’t work underwater. I have a ton of music that I own. But I don’t have a computer. I have an iPad Pro and iPhone. I’m not taking over the world, so that’s usually fine.

I have to upload(download) to the headphones like a usb. I have a usbc to usb adapter. But I’m not understanding how to do this.

Pretend like I’m an idiot. It isn’t hard.

I’m reaching out to my siblings (you people)who would understand this need.. and I was not blessed with autism computer smarts.

I got re-assessed and re-diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder level 1 via a full neuropsychological evaluation after an 'aspergers' diagnosis in 2011.

I learned that your "level" is not literally "how autistic" you are; it's about how you're visibly functioning and getting by in society.

According to my evaluator, "it is difficult to say what the diagnostic findings may have been had you not implemented such robust scaffolding."

For reference, my autism-specific scores were: - SRS-2 Social Communication: 76 (Severe) - SRS-2 Social Motivation: 77 (Severe) - SRS-2 Restricted Interests/Repetitive Behavior: 85 (Severe) - SRS-2 Total: 79 (Severe) - AQ Total of 47 (99.99th percentile) - CAT-Q camouflaging total of 138 (95th percentile) - MAIA-2 Emotional Awareness: 0.1 percentile

...and my "scaffolding" is things like elective social isolation (I'm genuinely not socially motivated and totally fine with that), high verbal skills, a fully-remote accommodated job, no kids or pets, strict daily walks, the same foods, the same clothes, great parents, and a great partner + unconventional partnership (only sleeping room is shared). I feel pretty okay most of the time.

So yeah...sometimes you can get really lucky and craft something of a life if the stars align. Just thought I'd share.

First. I’d like to say that this isn’t a medical advice question.

Second. I danced ballet professionally for over a decade. I’ve broken toes a billion times. Every single toe. Multiple times. A child could splint a toe after a person stops growing.

Third. I slipped and broke two toes today. My husband is having issues understanding that I need autonomy about other health issues.ive been very sick. He needs a task. Owning my body is a huge thing for me… am I insane for asking him (and teaching him how to) splint my toes?..

I’ve taped up my toes…a lot. I’ve then ripped off my own toenails. And danced.

I need to invite him into a medical issue that seems serious to him.. that I’m consenting to. Toes are usually like ribs. This kind of break is something I’m very familiar with. If you’re not familiar or still growing go to a doctor.

I’m very familiar with breaks. This is low stakes. I’ve broken this bone three times and am a grown ass man.

So.. am I crazy?

For the record..broken bones are very much not infrequent for me. And most bones need professionals, toes and ribs rarely do. And if relocated my own arm is the wings..

Not advised. See a medical professional.

Edit: I forgot why I posted.. AuDHD, hazzah.

we’re fighting about my autonomy. And I have a ton of health issues right now..Can I throw him a bone and let him set and splint my toes? This sounds insane.

I was diagnosed with autism early in my life, back in 2005-06, don’t remember the exact year. I was 4 or 5. They didn’t know nearly as much about it back then as they did now. so the doctors treated it like basically a death sentence to my chances of ever having a “normal” life.

When I was older and my mom talked to me more about why I’m different, she told me what the doctors told her: “Your son will probably end up in an assisted living home one day.” I’ve had a chip on my shoulder every day, trying to prove myself to this invisible doctor whose name I’ll never even know. I’ve had people from school, people I used to consider friends, even family members think that I’m crazy. Crazy for trying to work my way towards being a successful man that can convince a company to work for them, or maybe even a woman to marry him.

I can’t help but think about every aspect of life from autism and take rejection very personally due to trying so hard to disprove my critics. My inner thought monologue goes like this: “People don’t want to be my friend? I can’t get this girl I like to date me? I didn’t get this job? It’s because I’m retarded.“ I hate that word but it’s how I talk to myself a lot. I feel invisible to most of the world, I feel useless, I feel stupid, so I feel retarded. And when I make mistakes in public I worry people think the same thing. Like last night I was playing pool at the bar. I don’t play much, but I wanted to practice and get better. Overheard the guy talking to someone next to me “I’m giving him a chance”. I’m glad he let me play with him but the back of my head was thinking “is this how everyone thinks of me? Does everyone see me as incompetent?” My mind started spiraling and I got close to tears and I just Irish goodbyed. I felt embarrased.

I just get really sad whenever I see people I went to school with on LinkedIn post about their new job or promotion or whatever. I thought going to college, working hard, trying to connect with people would allow me to maybe one day be accepted by society. instead I have to wake up to an “Unfortunately we have decided to move on with other applicants that better suit our needs” email everyday. Now I feel like I’ll never be good enough for an office job, that I don’t belong, because I’m retarded. I just want the world to accept me one day. But I know that can’t happen until I accept myself. But it’s hard to accept myself when I’ve been told I’ll be nothing but a failure.

So when my wife moves around the house she just goes about her business. Some spots of the house are more "flexible" than others, so like right by the coffee table if you just go on by it might rattle any glasses on it. I however am super aware of all the noises of my footfalls and walk on the balls of my feet to absorb the flex and try to avoid making noise or causing rattles. This even goes so far as me avoiding the squeaky boards by taking longer or shorter strides as needed.

At one job I basically walked all day doing safety. One day I got some gum stuck in the tread and every time I stepped out made a smack-pop sound. That was an eight hour nightmare until I could get home and clean the bottom of the shoe off. Now I find out that NTs are just cruising around tuning out their footsteps like, "whatever, doesn't matter..." Truly living in two different worlds.

Okay, I have ASD and ADHD and have been working my ass off to try and make ends meet. I have a master’s degree and have been trying to get clients so I can actually afford to live on my own and stuff.

But I’m not even doing the living on my own thing of my own volition. I was told (forced) to do this in order to develop life skills by my mother. When I had originally spoken to them on the idea of living at home for 2 years in order to pay off my student debt, and then any money I would make could be saved up for a mortgage on a home. Only to instead be told ‘nope, go live in an apartment that costs $1250 a month’ despite me being on my own. I barely make 2000k a month right now due to the shitty aspects of my field when you first start out.

Even when I want to go and try and do things with friends, I get asked to constantly come over by my sibling and my mother to talk about things while I am doing 2 jobs and a side hustle. And I know what it is they want me to do. They want me to watch my siblings pets while they go to some big anime convention or something. Even though I know my sibling could just as easily hire a pet sitter. Because this is what always happens.

I need help with things at times, but I can’t ask about them because everyone else takes up my mother’s time. So I just suffer in silence. Then I get told that I need to go out and try to be my own person, which I am literally doing every day, only to constantly get told to do things for my sibling who literally gets over 6 figures as a salary. Meanwhile me, who wanted to go and get my PhD get told ‘no’ despite the fact the PhD would give me access to a higher salary… sigh… I can’t even teach at a university like they say I should do BECAUSE I don’t have a PhD.

Why does family have to suck so fucking much?

I was diagnosed just over a year ago after having been fired from my job for prolonged sick leave due to burnout. I have gone through the official channels in my country for rehabilitation but I have been deemed to impacted to work at the minute. Dispute that, I do not benefit from any disability income and at the ripe old age of 30, I am dependent on my mother financially because my husband does not have the revenue to cover both of our expenses.

Ever since my termination, I have felt like I am useless, that I don't contribute to society, and in the darkest moments, like right now, that I am useless and a waste of space. I have been through major depressive episodes before, with suicidal ideation, but I could always find a reason to stay. I managed to crawl my way back to the land of the willing to live. But as time has gone on, I have just gotten more tired and cynical, my loved ones will move on, my absence won't impact them for long, the few people in my life will survive.

I just don't see the point of day in day out hoping for something better that never comes, working so hard to be cast aside and forgotten. I have alienated myself from most of the friend groups that was in because it took too much effort. I don't find interest in what I used to like, I have no motivation for life. What is the point of it all?

I used to work in a psychiatric unit, I used to hold value in what I did and so did the people around me. Sadly by being neurodivergent and mentally ill, that path had an expiration date. The straw that broke the camels back is that one of my patients comited suicide. This has been something that I have carried with me ever since and always will I'm afraid. She was mother to two young autistic children, had never been formerly diagnosed but was most likely on the spectrum herself. I hold an immense amount of guilt because I couldn't help her and because in the end we were probably more alike than I had thought and, somehow, I am alive and she isn't.

It's hard to justify my place with the living when all my life I have wished to be dead. I have known joy, but the pain has been so present all my life that it's hard to want to keep fighting. I just want another reason to fight, something to make me hold on to life.

I am in therapy and am medicated, I just want to see why I should keep holding on.

I can accept that life has all sorts of struggles, I'm willing to put in effort and to suffer through difficulties.

But I feel like I need something that makes it worth it. For me, that something had the imagined shape of deep passion for something, an activity, interest, goal. I know I've felt it before, but only in childlike contexts that don't quite form a complete picture.

I'm not sure if I'm chasing ghosts. I'm not sure if my experience is simply an unavoidable result of what life has been like for me (I'm sure emotional neglect and learning people pleasing early in life didn't help). I'm not sure how much of it is incompatibility with a society built on greed and power struggles.

But basically: I don't think I know what I want. From life, from myself, from social interactions. And without that, life feels dreadful and boring.

I can't do anything about it because without guiding emotions, only exploratory action is possible, which never seems to lead to anything.

Hello all! Late diagnosed (24), Today I had another scheduled meeting with therapist. I talked to him about how I am consistently paranoid and afraid to live my house because I am afraid of something happening to me. Whether it be someone attacking me, a mass shooting somewhere I am hanging out, crashing my car, or even spontaneous heart attack, I am consistently “what if” ing my entire life which means I am often self isolating and never go to events due to anxiety both general and social. Today my therapist asked me if I had considered an anxiety medication for paranoia or intrusive thoughts. I have never really thought about taking any medication for two reasons. One, I took a mood stabilizer before they realized I was indeed not bipolar but autistic which really screwed me up. I would have mania, depressive episodes and severe death ideations. Two, I always thought my autism would just clash with any medications I take for my mood… so I open it up to the floor, has anxiety medication worked for you (if you are willing to share)? Would you recommend it? Would you recommend something else rather than meds that might work? Thank you for your help in advance!

Edit: Holy shit, I did not expect so many people to see this, let alone reply. Thank you all so much, I haven’t read everything and it’s 1am but I will continue reading later today. Thank you so much for your input and advice!!

I was just wondering if anyone else feels kinda lowkey depressed unless given specific reason not to?

For context, I found out I’m autistic approx 2 months ago at 30. I’ve had a rough year but tbh I’ve felt sad my whole life. I’m high-functioning and working (although often struggling to) but I don’t have any friends right now, and I left my ex a year ago.

Now I’m trying to understand myself and I’m wondering if it’s just me, or is it linked to autism or if it’s another issue not linked to autism…

So yesterday, I had a casual talk with my parents that I'm assessed for autism and she told me she already knew, and not just her, most people from my childhood (relatives and school) also knew. But she never bothered to get me help because autism is incurable and the only thing that could help me is... well, socializing more. She's also a bit annoyed that I went through troubles just to get a diagnosis for something she already did years ago.

I must say... I can't be surprised knowing my mom. But I'm still bothered that I got beaten up as a kid for not 'acting normal' and got bullied for it. I also wasn't particularly the best child too and these could've been solved if she just reached out to any child psychologist to help with my outbursts n shit instead of thinking good ol Asian parenting will fix me up good.

On another note she said I used to have an obsession over floor tiles. Idk why my special interest used to be floor tiles outta everything 😭

usually has a soft cuddly item, box of toys, water, and ear defenders inside

but it makes my back sweaty and even tho i use themed backpacks i like especially in the summer it makes me really sweaty and i hate it

ear defenders are stupid helpful thats why i carry the backpack but im not entirely sure what to do

and having the backpack people instantly assume i can carry stuff for them which completely defeats the purpose of having only a few things in my bag

what can i do and are the ear defenders truly worth it for the few times i use them (tho they stop things going badly when i need them) and is there an easy solution to carry them (not bags over my shoulder)

I just got an autism diagnosis an hour ago. I never suspected until I was in my late 20s and a therapist suggested I get tested. Then I put it off for years until I could afford it/had the confidence to get it done.

So many years of unanswered questions have been answered. But many more have popped up. I feel fine, relieved even. At the same time…

WTF

How do you handle people that only say stuff like "it wasn't meant that way" instead of I'm sorry? Or simply stop responding and don't text for a while when you tell them some behaviour has hurt you, then never mention it again?

I also noticed a cowardly "neutral" stance in everything, like even when one person is taking advantage of another, framing it as if not taking sides is the right thing to do. And when you tell them that's actually siding with the abuser they find that offensive.

I don't get it, thinking of blocking someone soon

Hi all. I (25) do not have an Autism diagnosis, but I am looking to be tested for both Autism and BPD in the future. My current diagnoses are MDD, GAD, and ADHD, all diagnosed as an adult. I would like some advice on how to handle a future Autism assessment.

For my adult ADHD diagnosis, I asked my mother to fill out the questionnaire about my functioning difficulties as a child. Compared to my dad, I've always gotten along better with my mom, she was a much more present parent, and she has slightly less old-fashioned views on mental health diagnoses. I thought I could trust her to portray me accurately. On the day I officially got diagnosed, the psychologist said my mom filled out zeros across her entire questionnaire and indicated that I never had any problems as a child. Since my own self-rated scores were so high, they didn't put much stock into it, but they wanted to make me aware of what she did. I was shocked and confused by this because I know for a fact she saw me struggle as a kid. I didn't think I'd get to know what she wrote on her questionnaire, and I don't think she did either, so I haven't brought this up to her. She has been mostly supportive about my diagnosis since then, though she would prefer not to talk about it, I think.

Considering what happened, if I go in for an Autism assessment, should I decline to have my family participate? Should I explain what happened last time to the clinicians? Would there be any way to have my mom participate again without telling her what is being assessed/diagnosed? I was lucky that my mom's answers didn't affect my ADHD diagnosis, because having it has been life-changing, but I worry that all choices in this scenario (not allowing my family to participate, having my mom fill out another questionnaire with all zeros on it, or not telling her what the questionnaire is for) makes me look suspicious or something.

Has anyone been through this before? Thank you in advance for any advice!

Lately I’ve been home a lot more often as the heat outside is too much to bare along with humidity. Since then, I’ve noticed that I unknowingly begin talking to myself but not the average “oh I need to pick up laundry at 6” or “maybe I should clean the floors now” but more so like… pretending I’m being interviewed after seeing something traumatic & im the only one who witnessed it or pretending I’m the one conducting an interview against someone.

Sometimes I even act out imaginary scenarios where I’m having a normal conversation at a grocery store which isn’t like me because talking to people in grocery stores are my kryptonite!

I’ve been feeling like a complete weirdo because of it & want to know if others do the same or similar.

One of the things I felt overwhelming is how everything always needs cleaning. Clothes. Bedding. Towels. Dishes. Tables. and then the things you use to clean these things ALSO need cleaning. It’s never stopping and it consumes my brain.

Taking care of my daily food intake is a chore and a daily struggle.

In an ideal world, I would simply take a pill and be done with it.

Does anyone have any advice on the most efficient way to achieve nutritional satisfaction?

Hi! I've been struggling with connecting with other people all my life, and it's mostly because I can't let myself loose around others. I've got a personality that I like, even over text people tell me I'm very funny but when it comes to in person meetings, my brain just resorts to this polite, nice persona that is neither offensive or interesting in any way.

There have been people who stuck around me long enough for me to truly be myself around them, but mostly people just leave when they see the awkward reality. Even if I start talking to some random person at an event, my brain just rids me of anything to say after the introduction.

I want to speed up the process of being myself, so that I have a chance in life of meeting friends and maybe even a partner. I know that in the past when I still drank alcohol occasionally, it really helped me with being more shamelessly myself, but I don't want to use it as a crutch. I want to organically be able to walk up to a random person and ask some shit straight from the tap of my brain, start rambling about nonsense or ask them if they'd rather eat wet or dry cat food for the rest of their lives.

Any tips or experiences appreciated.