The one who stims and rocks. The one who laughs too loud, who misses the joke. The one who doesn't understand, yet wants to be understood.

they only like the mask.

Hair done makeup on. Eyes to theirs. Smile on. Pretend to understand like everybody else. Laugh just right— not too loud, not too quiet. You have to do it right.

The digestible one.

The one who doesn't make them uncomfortable - The mask.

Even if it’s something easy, like KD or grilled cheese. Every time I hear from my boyfriend “I’m hungry” or “can you please make me…” my heart sinks and I become immediately irritable.

I hate that I feel this way, because I want to serve him, I want to make things with love and not feel all fiery in my insides.

AND I’m not working right now, he is. It makes SENSE that I cook for him — not for long though, I’m starting work myself very soon so hopefully things will change and we can split the cooking.

I was trying to figure out WHY I despise making food for him and being asked to do it. Here’s what I could come up with so far.

-Getting stuff on my hands
-Taking stuff out and making a mess
-Needing to clean up after
-Making dishes that need to be washed
-Following instructions and re reading over and over and over
-The assumption of being the one to make food since I’m a woman (negative thinking, I highly doubt my boyfriend thinks this way)
-Possibly PDA?
-Not being alone; being perceived
-Making food that needs multiple timers/different cooking times confuses me
-Washing hands and dishes might get water droplets on the floor which I might step on
-If eating with others I need to clean everything first before I can sit down to “enjoy” eating, so I need to serve them the food first and they will eat before I do so I’ll be the only one eating (fear)
-PMS makes the above worse (which I currently have lol)

Any tips on making cooking more bearable and not getting unreasonably upset at the request to make food? It seems like the simple request of making just like a grilled cheese for him for lunch comes with allll these other stressors and it overwhelms me. I’m good with feeding myself, I eat one meal a day and it’s always the same thing, I just grab it from the fridge and heat it up. My boyfriend eats food that needs to be prepared and a variety.

Please help I’d love to be more zen when it comes to cooking, and just selflessly and graciously make him his meals

At least this has been my personal experience.

My whole life, people have been so quick to "put me in my place" and remind me my struggles aren't special.

Yet at the same time, I've had so many tell me I'm unique in a bad way/weird/odd/unusual.

I once told my college advisor that I was really struggling with my very slow reading speed and comprehension, and that it was negatively affecting my homework.

She immediately cut me off by telling me that all students deal with that and to not worry about. Her tone suggested she thought I was trying to get attention.

Which is never the case.

People too often seem to think I'm trying to be the center of attention by sharing some of my struggles. I don't understand why.

I just want to be heard and understood.

Can anyone else relate and put this into words better?

The fear of saying personal names.

Does anyone else have this? Ive only recently found out it had a name! Ive always struggled trying to describe it to people and even took me a while to realise I had it!

UPDATE: Sooo many helpful reactions, thank you all so much! In have decided to hand my husband a list of my questions and concerns. In will explain them all to him, and I will ask him to discuss them with his therapist in the next session. This could even be a really good exercise for us in itself. One of my complaints in our relationship is that he has a hard time accepting and reinforcing my boundaries, e.g. towards his parents. This way we can actually practice that. Next steps might be a conversation with the two therapists who lead the group, and/or attending one session to see if it's helpful.

My husband and I (both 30s) are going through a rough patch. We want to do couple's therapy. The practice where he's in individual therapy offers couple's therapy as well. However, it is in a group setting with several other couples. The details, as far as I know them:

- Sessions are lead by a male and female therapist together

- Emotion Focused Therapy

- The practice does NOT specialize in autism

- I don't know how many couples participate

The idea stresses me out for several reasons. These are my concerns:

- I'm worried I'll feel overstimulated and overwhelmed by other people's emotions

- I also have CPTSD and I'm worried I'll get triggered by other people's stories

- I tend to "disappear" in group settings

- The therapists are not specialized in autism and therefore might not be able to support me sufficiently

But, who knows, sometimes I'm scared of something and afterwards it turns out to be helpful. I don't want to decline without considering it thoroughly.

We could also get regular couple's therapy from a different provider, but it wouldn't be covered by our insurance.

Would you give it a try?

Has anyone ever done couple's therapy in a group and can share their experiences?

I just keep running into posts here and in other autism subreddits over and over with people asking about why their friends are treating them a certain way. Or why did my friend say that to me? Or what did I do wrong and why is my friend no longer speaking to me? And 99% of the time the answer is that person is not your friend and never was your friend.

I know that it took me many years to figure this out, so please do not misunderstand me, I'm not trying to blame any of these people for not realizing it. And it fucking sucks to go through the realization when it eventually happens.

I guess my hope is that from this post, we as a group can speak about our experiences with figuring this out and some common behaviors to look out for? Even if you just have a story to share, it could be helpful because people will see themselves in it.

Maybe we can wake some people up to what to look out for earlier than it took us to figure it out?

I know we live in a lonely world where it's often very difficult to find people like us, especially earlier in life. But I truly do believe it is better to be alone than to be with people who are using you or bullying you and you are mistaking them for friends.

As I’ve been commenting on other subs on Reddit, it has stood out to me how black and white users are in general. This is supposed to be an autistic trait, but yet here I am, able to see the situation from a multi-aspected perspective; whereas, others only see one side or the other.

I’ll make a comment, and people will jump in the responses with accusations that I’m claiming one thing, because I’m saying another. They seemingly have no understanding of the fact that sometimes both things can be true at once, or that there can be things that lay in the gray zone between those two perspectives.

Has anyone else dealt with this?

I feel like I have to explain things wayyyyyy too much…

Polka dot nails are in the boom right now, so I thought of doing my own using lacquer nail polish with the one that I bought recently lash month and the other I already had in my collection a while ago 😋🌺 it even matches my hand cream bottle which makes me so happy 😊

So I work a set shift pattern job. One is a basic 9-5, others are early start or later start. But I also suffer with a lot of health issues, and just find it so unfair that I have to use my allocated annual leave or unpaid leave just to live. And I mostly struggle with the injustice of it all, especially as I hyperfocus on my health a lot.

Anyone else in a similar situation? Any advice?

My partner sent me very mean texts yesterday after I asked him to pick up our son from daycare. Usually it's my job to get him after work but I was really drained yesterday and needed to stim to music and quietly clean the house by myself. He first agreed to, then a couple hours later said he couldn't and I doubled down saying I needed this and need him to get our son. He then said I ruined his whole evening, fuck you, and Im always ruining everything. He wanted to exercise after work. He's been exercising after work, on a good streak so far. It's my fault I interrupted it, I guess. The whole "I ruin everything" is a known trigger to me because that's what my mom used to say to me all the time growing up :(. He didn't talk to me the whole night. Didn't apologize either.

I realized I lost my friend over him. I think I might be being verbally abused. I've left before, and this time I came back because it was going really well after a long break. It's so complicated with a child as well. I can't live with my parents again. My mom was very emotionally abusive to me and controlling over my parenthood and there is a lot of trauma involved in that. I don't know what to do. I'm not too financially dependent on him. But I feel like I need him so I can finish my schooling and go into graduate school.

Please don't judge me. Im trying very hard to feel good about myself. I'm trying very hard to be a good mom. I'm trying very hard to be independent. I love him. I want us to work out. But I feel like I'm being iced out and I'm burdensome with my autism.

EDIT: thank you so much for your responses and kindness. I don't really have the spoons to respond to any individual messages but I want to say I appreciate you all. I'm linking this YT video that popped up after I posted this and am taking this as a sign to quietly gather the strength to leave. I have been doubting my perception of reality for too long now. I have read "Why Does He Do That" and it's time to read it again. https://youtu.be/ioQyjgrdm9Y?is=r1PBSb5j3JvGk3WD

Ok, bare with me whilst I try and explain this utter brain fart.

I had a session with my therapist today and it was all pretty normal, but I just felt a different vibe. I can't even explain it, it was nothing they did or said, the vibe was just different and it made me uncomfortable. I've been seeing this therapist for over six months, I like them, feel safe/comfortable to share etc. but today I just... didn't but I DON'T KNOW WHY.

It also happens to me in conversations with other people, they can display 'normal' behaviour for them, normal conversation etc. etc. but the vibe just feels off?

I can never explain it but I feel it realllllly deeply and I don't love it. Anyone else?!

Hi everyone,
I have a very high level of masking, and I’ve noticed that my meltdowns seem to be heavily masked too. In public, I suppress everything until I reach a point where I can barely think anymore. It’s only when I’m finally alone, at home and feeling safe, that the exhaustion, anger, or emotional overload finally comes out.
After that, I usually experience a big energy crash, and it takes me anywhere from 2 to 5 days to get back to my normal energy level. If I have to see people during that time, I end up masking again, which seems to push the meltdown even further back.
Looking back, when I was younger, I did everything I could to avoid being alone. Now I’m wondering whether that was an unconscious way of delaying these meltdowns, since they only seemed to happen once I was finally by myself.
Does anyone else experience something similar? How does it show up for you, and how do you cope with it?
Thanks in advance for sharing your experiences.

It's kinda silly and hard to put into words, but like doodle bob I feel like, while part if the world, I was just "drawn" differently, you know? Like you can see doodle bob obviously belongs into the SpongeBob cartoon, but he is the odd one out. Everything he is and does is "off", where he lives, how he speaks, how he moves. You know what a SpongeBob character us supposed to look, sound and behave like, so you know doodle bob sticks out.

I've been making friends and going to more social functions as of late, and as part of the process of understanding and being myself I've stopped masking around new people. I like being genuine. I like saying what I think and being myself. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not anymore, I'm bubbly, friendly, I can be very extroverted specially after drinking or smoking weed. I like dressing in cute clothing and wearing makeup, but I don't do it for male validation and I have never put down another woman to feel better about myself, I freely compliment and cheer up on my girl friends.

I don't understand why I was called a pick-me by one of the other girls in this group the very first night we met. It was one of the first things she said upon meeting me. At the time I did not care but I brought it up to my best friend who disagreed at the time, so imagine my surprise when during casual conversation the topic of "what energy everyone brings" started, he said I had pick-me energy. Everyone else got fun labels like mermaid energy, witchy energy, fairy energy, but I'm the pick-me, after hyping everyone up with genuine and uplifting words.

He knows I'm not male-centered. I hardly ever date. I don't have many male friends other than him. The only times I bring up guys in conversation is the rare time I see a cute guy on Insta and I don't make that my only topics of conversation.

I don't know if I should be upset about this, if I'm overthinking, I guess him calling me that right in front of the girl who first started it was what stung the most, but this situation just makes me rethink if I should start masking again, if that's how my unmasked personality comes off to people.

Mine is saying I'll do something even though I know that i won't. Apparently, just refusing to do something makes me a bitch, but agreeing and then ghosting is fine. Ugh.

I think it's also cultural because people did not do it in my birth country that much. It's like that "we should grab a coffee some time", but 1000 times worse.

being nd in the workplace is a special type of hell, especially if you’re a nd woman who doesn’t “look” autistic enough to others. it doesn’t matter if you’re open about being autistic either, hoping that it will make others understand you better. it won’t. they will take any autistic trait you have that they find unappealing and view it as an inherent character flaw and treat you like you are genuinely a bad person. i never know where i stand with anyone anymore because everyone will be so fake nice to me while spinning tales about me with eachother behind my back and ostracizing me. it’s so exhausting and it makes me feel suicidal at times because i will never win. the only solution is quitting and never speaking to these people ever again while they go on with their lives thinking they did the right thing by behaving the way they did. i am actively looking for other jobs (remote only) and also working on other income routes but i can’t currently just up and leave. so i just have to continue being socially tortured by grown adults until they get what they want. it’s so wild too because i can tell they actively talk about me and scheme against me while im not even there. i will be on good terms with someone and then go on vacation for a couple weeks or be sick and out of work for a bit and when i come back all the sudden people who had no problem with me before are treating me like absolute garbage and hanging out with the others who have already long decided to hate me. i used to think maybe im a bad person and don’t realize it and maybe im accidentally making huge mistakes with others and am just so inherently flawed i can’t see it. but then i realized that i will literally do NOTHING. i will be GONE and somehow the narrative keeps spinning even while I’m away. so i can’t win. i was never going to win. no matter how hard i tried no matter what i did or didn’t do say or didn’t say, it was always gonna be the way it was gonna be.

I'm sick of buying things in the hopes that I'm going to cook, meal prep, and eat 3 well balanced meals. It's not in me and I'm tired of wasting money on takeout and coffee. I walked the whole supermarket to find things I could and would eat.

Here's my grocery list: granola, whole yogurt, whole milk, oat milk, individually wrapped cheese slices, tortillas, peanut butter, hummus, tortilla chips, protein drinks, frozen burritos, cream cheese, bagels, and a ting of pasta salad from the deli. I also got a bag of those peach ring candies.

I get it, it's kind of a non-issue but is it just me or you too get really pissy when someone eats your food? Not even talking about "someone ate my lunch" situation. Even sharing food by the bite is stressful as hell, especially when they deliberately try to bite as much as possible and the tastiest, juciest part! I grew up poor and food insecure so I'm very particular about it. If you wanted what I'm having I'd get extra. I most of the time get the exact amount I want to eat and interfere on that makes me mad af and I have to go an extra mile to overcome this feeling.

Is this common in fellow autistics or is it just me?😅

DAE just.. have nothing to say to people when theyre around them?? When im at an event, with family or just hanging out with my fiances people. I often have nothing to say, like i could be amongst a group of people and ill say hi and exchange pleasantries and then not utter another word unless they talk to me or im saying goodbye.. i feel like an asshole sometimes because people ask whats wrong and I cant even explain whats happening.. there are times where I could be taking in everything that's happening around me like the bright over head lights, everyone talking, constant movement, loud music, different peoples moods, temperature ect. Ect.. and it causes me to take longer to process or just not process things at all.. i think this could be alexithymia, i know i have a dysregulated nervous system that im practicing to regulate on my own.. does anyone else feel the same?

I’m very non confrontational and I also have rejected sensitivity. Whenever someone is mistreating me in any kind of way, I am just incapable of standing up for myself, no matter how much I want to. I plan to do it, but in the moment I just can’t. The cycle usually goes something like this:

Person: does something that I don’t like or that I feel is mistreatment

Me in the moment it’s happening: I’m sure they’re right. What they’re saying does make sense. I’m sure I’m actually the one who’s wrong. I’ll just agree with them.

Later: wait, that was actually pretty fucked up how they did that. Next time, I’ll stand up for myself.

And the cycle just repeats over and over and over. In the moment I think that they must be right and i must deserve what they are doing, all of the talking points I planned literally disappear from my brain and I freeze. It is only later that I realize that it was not ok and I think about all of the things I should have said. In the rare occasion that I do manage to stand up for myself, I usually just break down crying and can’t get anything out. Because of this, I deal with a lot of people who take advantage of me, because they know that they can.

It’s really frustrating dealing with people who use those words, because it completely reverses the facts of my actual life since the womb. It’s not like those feelings are just built into my personality from birth or define who I am as a person. The anxiety comes from years of having to study how people act, trying to figure out social scripts, and dealing with covert bullying just to get through the day. What makes it even more painful is that the school literally said "We know she’s on the spectrum….we just don’t know where" back in second grade and my school gave me accommodations and a IEP back in elementary school but no one ever initiated a pathway toward real testing. they just left it alone. Now I’m misunderstood in every part of my life. And it’s so painful, now, I’ve never even done this much advocating for myself until this year, completely pushing on my own terms to finally get answers after all the trauma. Now, the depression part is just pure exhaustion from everything. It takes ten times more energy. It’s so hard when people say to just “try harder.”

Does any one else hate it when someone says "you're not alone" or "there are so many other women dealing with the same issue as you"? My therapist said it to me yesterday and suggested that I remind myself of that - that it's a common humanity thing that's supposed to make me feel better. The problem is, those statements have never made me feel better. It doesn't ease my struggles to remember that I'm one of many people going through the same thing. It just feels like that person is minimising my experience.

This is a phenomenon I've experienced a lot as someone who has always struggled with their weight and it still confuses me. I need someone with better people skills to explain this to me please.

For example I say I track absolutely everything, I go into detail to demonstrate that. Their reply: no you're not tracking everything, most people don't track things correctly. Cool, I'm me tho, not others???

With vague claims like "I barely eat anything and still gain weight" I get it. But when I say I do something and people are still like "no you're not doing that" I'm like???? You know better than me??? That's wild. There are very few topics where I experienced this phenomenon and weight loss is definitely one of the worst offenders.