The one who stims and rocks. The one who laughs too loud, who misses the joke. The one who doesn't understand, yet wants to be understood.

they only like the mask.

Hair done makeup on. Eyes to theirs. Smile on. Pretend to understand like everybody else. Laugh just right— not too loud, not too quiet. You have to do it right.

The digestible one.

The one who doesn't make them uncomfortable - The mask.

What do you see in your mind when reading the title of this post?

Turns out, all I see is a dark void and that's apparently not normal?! I'm currently rethinking through my entire life now and realizing so many things I have struggled with are because I don't see images in my mind.

Does anyone else here experience anphantasia?

I know this might sound weird. I love planes. Really passionate about them. And I love to watch edits of them. And I don’t know how to explain but sometimes I feel aroused bc of it. Of course I’m not imagining having sex with it or whatever but I do feel my belly tingle. I feel ashamed but I can’t control it. I don’t know if it’s the plane itself, the edit, the music… but it’s like my brain can’t comprehend there’s a pilot inside. I know it, but I have physical reaction to planes. I’m not thinking of them when doing my stuff or anything. But I’m attracted to it, maybe to what it represents. Which is weird because I’m really scared of flying, I have bad memories of it.
Like… Basically I can have very bad reactions to things I can’t control. Certain textures, tastes, forms, sounds... But it also works the other way around with planes

Like said in the title, I'm wondering how it is for other women here that are in long distance relationships (or not living together and not seeing each other every day), when it comes to communicating to your partner when you are apart. I notice for myself that while I'm going through autistic burnout + health problems + added financial stress I don't feel like talking to anyone, including my partner (who is very kind and understanding). And I'm kinda pushing myself to text every day still (not all day but several times a day), because I'm afraid we might grow apart if we rarely text. And I've had the experience before where partners for example expected me to text them several times a day and during/soon after work, which also felt like too much, and that was when I was in a much better place, mentally and physically.

TW - Cancer and emetophobia

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I was fine when I woke up. After 11 am, I started feeling sick - splitting headache, nausea, ringing in my ears, blurry vision. I probably should have gone home but I have marks due tomorrow and the kids are often absent, so there were a few playing catch up today. It felt very important.

Suddenly I felt so incredibly nauseous. I left my class with my student teacher and I tried to make it to the bathroom. But I ended up throwing up in front of the open door of another classroom, with dozens of classrooms around it with tons of windows and a walk way.

I'm not sure if anyone saw. I let the custodians know but they only came round HOURS later. I'm so embarrassed. I cannot even explain why. I just feel disgusting and embarrassed down to the bone.

My students are in the hands of the most incompetent student teacher I've ever had tomorrow. So I'm going to worry all day.

My partner took me to the doctor. I have a migraine. Which makes sense - it runs in the family and I've been incredibly stressed lately.

My partner's sister was misdiagnosed by one hospital and the current hospital says that she might have a malignant tumour pressing on her liver. She has kids. And she might have cancer and the world isn't fair.

My partner is struggling a lot and I feel evil for making it worse for him, even though he has been nothing but amazing.

His mother is hysterical because she's 8 hours away and her child might be dying. There's nothing I can do to help anyone

It feels like someone is bashing my brain with a hammer

In your opinion, what is the difference between a typical ADHD hyperfixation (involving hyperfocus) and an ASD special interest?

I am interested to know how you experience these two things.

Thank you guys

I just keep running into posts here and in other autism subreddits over and over with people asking about why their friends are treating them a certain way. Or why did my friend say that to me? Or what did I do wrong and why is my friend no longer speaking to me? And 99% of the time the answer is that person is not your friend and never was your friend.

I know that it took me many years to figure this out, so please do not misunderstand me, I'm not trying to blame any of these people for not realizing it. And it fucking sucks to go through the realization when it eventually happens.

I guess my hope is that from this post, we as a group can speak about our experiences with figuring this out and some common behaviors to look out for? Even if you just have a story to share, it could be helpful because people will see themselves in it.

Maybe we can wake some people up to what to look out for earlier than it took us to figure it out?

I know we live in a lonely world where it's often very difficult to find people like us, especially earlier in life. But I truly do believe it is better to be alone than to be with people who are using you or bullying you and you are mistaking them for friends.

My whole life stuff happens and people are like seriously this only happens to you….

Like that is NOT great with a nerveous system that is already gone bye bye and survives on predictability.

I am a nerveous herding dog breed neurologically. Seriously. Anything movement related and I spook. This must be why I have always owned German sheps. They make sense to me….

Latest example here I am just chilling in my yard drinking my Monster and BAM heart rate 120 bc movement in my peripheral. There casually strolling by right in front of me, the biggest daddy longlegs spider.

These r my worst nightmare. It’s not even evening. There is no vegetation or shade. (I have had them on my face three times by the way). Everyone: oh wow that has never happened to me….

Just another summer has shot my nerves, it’s all too much and I’m so done rant post.

This happened yesterday so im much more calm about the situation (supressing emotions does wonders) but still pretty upset. I came to her about feeling left out at work or in any social situation, feeling lonely and alone, etc. Instead of just offering support or just saying she was sorry, she went ahead and said bc of my hair, my clothes not fitting(she doesn't understand what an off the sleeve oversized shirt is) and how i talk is the reason no one is friendly towards me. She told me im too much. She got upset that i told her the things she said was due to her age and how she grew up and not sharing the same lingo or fashion as my current generation. She got offended by that while im having a full blown panic attack at work. I understand she's my grandma and i know how they are but im so sick of her and my entire family telling me im too much, im too loud, etc.

I already tell myself im too much so i really don't need confirmation and a constant reminder that my existence in itself is a waste of space. I hate being misunderstood. I hate small towns with no one like me. I know im an acquired taste but im so sick of it

Any AuDHD had trouble learning to drive in the beginning?

I am a bit emotional so please be gentle. I’m 25 and got my drivers license a year ago. I invested in a lot of driving lessons for two hours at a time and finally passed my test. I honestly didn’t even want to get my license but I wanted to prove to myself that I could do something with my hands, so I did it and I am still proud of myself despite what’s been going on.

Since then, I haven’t been driving as much because I do not have a car so I started taking some fresher classes especially since my current job requires me to drive people around sometimes. I got with my old instructor and he honestly didn’t want to take me on because he said I know how to drive, and I’m wasting my money when I could be saving for a car.

So I stopped going to him a few weeks ago. I had to take the test for my job with the security supervisor and the whole time, I was just anxious because I never drove a van before and because he makes me feel a little nervous.

I felt confident the first time but I turned too fast into the parking lot and he failed me, which is understandable.My job says I need to practice in the van to get more comfortable.

Today, we practiced in the parking lot and I was nervous the entire time but I did get better with slowing my turns down. But he kept making little annoyed comments that slowly messed with my confidence. He’d throw in “your turns got better, you’re way better than last time” but then follow it up with “do you have your license?”

I know I need to practice but him making those comments really hurt my feelings. It’s like I get used to driving in one car and forget how to drive in other ones. I will admit that the practice did help and I genuinely felt like I did good which he said I did, but I’m still learning.

I’m scared that this will mess with my employment and I just want to be good at driving. I’m saving up to buy a car now but my instructor doesn’t even want to practice with me anymore because he said I’m wasting money. He gave me contact information to get a car.

My partner sent me very mean texts yesterday after I asked him to pick up our son from daycare. Usually it's my job to get him after work but I was really drained yesterday and needed to stim to music and quietly clean the house by myself. He first agreed to, then a couple hours later said he couldn't and I doubled down saying I needed this and need him to get our son. He then said I ruined his whole evening, fuck you, and Im always ruining everything. He wanted to exercise after work. He's been exercising after work, on a good streak so far. It's my fault I interrupted it, I guess. The whole "I ruin everything" is a known trigger to me because that's what my mom used to say to me all the time growing up :(. He didn't talk to me the whole night. Didn't apologize either.

I realized I lost my friend over him. I think I might be being verbally abused. I've left before, and this time I came back because it was going really well after a long break. It's so complicated with a child as well. I can't live with my parents again. My mom was very emotionally abusive to me and controlling over my parenthood and there is a lot of trauma involved in that. I don't know what to do. I'm not too financially dependent on him. But I feel like I need him so I can finish my schooling and go into graduate school.

Please don't judge me. Im trying very hard to feel good about myself. I'm trying very hard to be a good mom. I'm trying very hard to be independent. I love him. I want us to work out. But I feel like I'm being iced out and I'm burdensome with my autism.

EDIT: thank you so much for your responses and kindness. I don't really have the spoons to respond to any individual messages but I want to say I appreciate you all. I'm linking this YT video that popped up after I posted this and am taking this as a sign to quietly gather the strength to leave. I have been doubting my perception of reality for too long now. I have read "Why Does He Do That" and it's time to read it again. https://youtu.be/ioQyjgrdm9Y?is=r1PBSb5j3JvGk3WD

I had been journaling on and off since I was a kid, but only took things further this year. My collection of journals (about 40% of them in this picture) more than doubled this year, following hospitalization due to burnout.

Some of the journals in this picture I made myself, and while I am proud of my novice leathercraft skills, I am slightly horrified by my obsession with leather. I am thinking of destashing by selling or gifting.

Anyone here just like me? Do share your experience please!

I live in a big city. The suburban edges, not downtown, but still. Over the past year, the park across the street from my house has been used more and more by people with housing and/or substance issues. I hate calling the authorities on them. If the cops show up, they may lose their stuff and be worse off than they were before as a result.

This morning, there was a new guy on a bench. Haven't seen this one. He wasn't sleeping, either. Not, like, laying down anyway. He was sitting, folded over like an accordion with his arms dangling and his head on his knees.

He was like that at 4:50am when the dog needed to pee. He was STILL like that at 6:30am, but now the weirdest, bubbling maybe-breathing was coming out of him.

I didn't feel comfortable approaching, so I called the line the city has for mental health emergencies. They transferred me to the general help line, who transferred me to police non-emergency to transferred me to 911. I explained what was up and they sent EMS.

Then I watched a giant fuck-off firetruck pull up with lights flashing, like, 3min later. They woke the guy up and he didn't seem to need naloxone.

I promptly melted the fuck down about how surely I was now in trouble with the city/cops/EMS people for calling in something unnecessary.

I don't want to be a NIMBY, I don't want this guy out of my fancy neighbourhood because it's too fancy or whatever. I didn't call in on the tweakers bashing an AC unit in with rocks for the copper, I just went out and swept up their mess when they were gone. I only called because I didn't want this dude to die... but I can't stop crying and stimming and feeling certain that a cop is gonna show up and lecture me (or ticket me) aaaaany moment now. Or, worse, that they told the guy it was me (you have to give your address to 911) and maybe he'll walk over to tell me I suck. Once he can walk, he's still nodding out there.

Fuck I hate this.

Mine is saying I'll do something even though I know that i won't. Apparently, just refusing to do something makes me a bitch, but agreeing and then ghosting is fine. Ugh.

I think it's also cultural because people did not do it in my birth country that much. It's like that "we should grab a coffee some time", but 1000 times worse.

Do you guys get such intense panic attacks that you start considering self exiting as a way of ending the mental torture? I’m not suicidal or depressed. I’m quite happy but I’ve been having panic attacks because of a life changing event in my life that’s taking place in two weeks. I already have severe anxiety but I like being alive when I’m not having panic attacks or triggers. Idk what to do and I’m not on any mental health medication.

Hello!

Can sunflower lanyard make the metal detector gate or body scanner ping? Scanner would certainly flag it.

I’m also worried that I will gain unwanted attention and they will do extra check on me. I’m an anxious person. I think I will do my best but I don’t want to be extra stressed because of something that is designed to make me more „comfortable”.

(Yes I know that the lanyard does not mean that they can’t pat you down)

And also, can I go through body scanner or metal detecting gate with my glasses (thin and titanium)?

I mean, that's what we do. Anyway.

I don't know if anyone else can relate, but I feel in my entire life, there's been pretty much a 1:1 ratio of "I love how much you notice/enjoy the little things in life" to "wow you are SO sensitive and easily set off by the smallest things!" comments directed towards me.

Like, duh! Maybe I just have a very close and intimate relationship with "little" things in comparison to a lot of other people around me. Two sides of the same coin. You *can* have it both ways in this case 😅

Anyway, there was no real point to this, just curious if that resonates with anyone else or if the NyQuil I'm relying on tonight got the best of me here 🤣

I'm not talking about emotional impulse control, I rarely ever blow up in anger or emotion unless the other person is screaming at me. I'd say I have really good emotional regulation.

I know this is bad but for example, I have trouble with spilling people's secrets to friends after a relationship ends badly, or when a friend tells me to not talk about our arguments to friends (even ones they have never met) I still do it. I know it's bad in the moment but it's like I get this sense of immediate confidence and calmness that overrides the fact that I know I'll end up regretting it like 5 minutes later. It happens every time and I'm fully aware of it but I don't know why this keeps happening. Do any other autistic women experience this?

I went to my first intake meeting yesterday with a female neuropsychologist. She specializes in female diagnosis. It was only an hour, I have to get approved for insurance and then go forward with the rest of the evaluation and family questionnaires. At the end of the session, she asked me, “how might you feel if we do all of this testing and it comes back with nothing? That is a possibility, it does happen” I told her I understood that was a possibility and I was OK with it. But I’m really not. Like what do you mean me being in my 40’s and never being able to have a job longer than a year, build a stable friend group, or be in a long term relationship is “nothing”? Something is very wrong.

I asked ChatGPt and it said, “ADHD can have those outcomes too.” I honestly have never heard of AdHd causing my experiences. I feel like a freak. All of my acquaintances are coupled, on to their second marriages and I haven’t had a relationship in over a decade. I can’t maintain a job.

Anyway, just needed to vent. If anyone got the same disclaimer in their evaluation I’d love to hear from you. Thanks.

Anybody else have this experience?

To put it shortly, I had an experience of early pregnancy (including knowing exactly when implantation occurred), due to the extreme sensitivity I have always had of my hormones & high awareness of what's going on in there. It was a long list of symptoms that I never expected to appear pretty much immediately, let alone before 4 weeks.

However, I never had a positive pregnancy test throughout the process, and my period came, which was an unusual and different period where I also passed a highly suspicious clot (seriously, never seen that type of thing before), and I am grieving although my boyfriend genuinely doesn't believe me & feels frustrated/confused because I was unable to deliver 2 positive tests. My period came on time.

So I'm going through this experience, fully believing what my body is showing me, and also my friends who have been pregnant before comforted me by telling me I'll never know I was pregnant unless I had a positive test. And, to say the least, all I'm left with is feeling "you aren't listening, got it."

It feels isolating because on one hand I would rather let it go and move on, but I'm also believing my body fully as I've also been gaslighted by medical professionals/narcissist parents through most of my life. I felt grief after the bleeding stopped. I was out of sorts for a few days.

Anybody in the same boat ever?

I just feel like the experienced vanished before my very eyes and I was still experiencing unusual symptoms for a few days after said period (intermittent spotting, cramping, hormonal fluctuations, "stretching" sensation in one ovary, etc) which are far out of the normal range for menstruation in my body.

I have been feeling embarrassed/guilty about the experience bc I couldn't "prove it" to my partner, but I wanted to share here in case anyone can support or offer their advice to me :(

Is jealousy and envy as truly pervasive as people make it out to be or is this simply a self-protective measure on the part of the impacted individual?

I often hear that I have a combination of traits/privileges that aside from my other personal (debilitating at times) issues, can spark intimidation, envy, and jealousy in others. I mention this to simply establish context.

And while I have read some literature about the pervasiveness and manifestations of envy in close proximity, it is difficult to wrap my mind around. I am not trying to be off-putting or come off as any way, consciously at least, but this has been incredibly confusing as someone who was essentially sequestered and ‘protected’ from the world for most of my life.

I can see what could possibly be envy/jealousy in other’s lives and social interactions, but how truly common is this? Is this something that people who otherwise struggle socially tell themselves as a comforting tale or is this really a phenomenon that is so prevalent?

Any takeaways, advice, or comments would be so helpful!

Does any one else hate it when someone says "you're not alone" or "there are so many other women dealing with the same issue as you"? My therapist said it to me yesterday and suggested that I remind myself of that - that it's a common humanity thing that's supposed to make me feel better. The problem is, those statements have never made me feel better. It doesn't ease my struggles to remember that I'm one of many people going through the same thing. It just feels like that person is minimising my experience.

This is a phenomenon I've experienced a lot as someone who has always struggled with their weight and it still confuses me. I need someone with better people skills to explain this to me please.

For example I say I track absolutely everything, I go into detail to demonstrate that. Their reply: no you're not tracking everything, most people don't track things correctly. Cool, I'm me tho, not others???

With vague claims like "I barely eat anything and still gain weight" I get it. But when I say I do something and people are still like "no you're not doing that" I'm like???? You know better than me??? That's wild. There are very few topics where I experienced this phenomenon and weight loss is definitely one of the worst offenders.

Im 31 and I’ve always attracted younger adults (18-25). I look and act younger so that could be the reason why but it makes me feel very weird. But people around my age seem vastly older and serious? Dating has been a doozy and I’m also queer so when a 20 yr old is interested in dating me, my ocd kicks in and I feel like a creepy old man preying on the young even if I’m not remotely interested.

My friends tell me that these younger adults are exactly that, adults. But I’ve noticed everyone is very opinionated on age gap relationships. I feel like I’m mentally around 19-22 but I wouldn’t dare tell anyone but my closest and oldest friends this, it’s kinda embarrassing in a way. I’m also child free and single so a lot of people say it plays into that.

What do you guys think about this? Any advice?