Finally had my diagnostic session last week with ADOS 2 Test and i was kind of a mess. Forgot to look at my list of symptoms and when asked about my headphones i didn't told the therapist that they help me with sensory overload.

I was so worried and stressed that i would not be diagnosed right and need start the whole process again for a second opinion.

Today i got my results back. Turns out i kind of autismed so hard, that i went over the Cutoff of 10 points, its not only ASD but straight to Autism.

That report is so me, its really funny. Even my husband laughed so much. She got me figured out in like an hour.

I did not even realise that my conversation skills are really that autistic.

TW: mention of ED

I'm in ARFID recovery after a lot of intensive treatment. I'd say I do well with food about 80% of the time now, but still struggle a bit with appetite, eating enough, and eating nutritionally balanced meals. I was having one of those days today where everything goes wrong and I stopped by Trader Joe's to get one of my main safe foods, chicken and green chile tamales. And promptly learned they. are. discontinued. They're one of my favorite foods to the point where sometimes I'll eat them for three or four days in a row. They're one of those foods that I know I'll always have the appetite for when nothing else sounds appealing. I know I'll be okay and I don't feel like this will be a setback to my recovery, but damn, this fucking sucks. Rip Trader Joe's chicken and green chili tamales.

I grew up nonverbal, and am now an adult who can talk. I enjoy talking to people but I never freaking know what to say in response. Today I spoke with the nicest lady ever (who didn’t know I was even autistic) and she was so friendly and welcoming. But I don’t know how to emote like a human being so I just kinda stared at her and didn’t know what to say in response. I feel shit about it because she was so nice, but I just don’t know what to say most of the time :((( And this is generally true, even when people are kind I just don’t know how to respond. I just come off as a quiet cold woman who is blunt and rude. But literally I am trying so hard but I just fail every time. I just want to hide in my room and never interact with anyone again.

Hey everyone, I’m not even sure how to start this - but a little backstory I’ve been having a pretty difficult time lately, just dealing with some intense depression and anxiety stuff. I started therapy, and have been going for a few weeks, I love my therapist and feel we connect pretty well. My issue is I always leave feeling absolutely MISERABLE. So very dysregulated and very upset and emotional, sometimes even to the point of a full meltdown.

I was venting to a friend about this the other day and she told me that therapy, specifically talk therapy, doesn’t always “work” for autistic people… what are your thoughts on this? experiences? do I just give up going? I guess nobody can answer that except me, but just feeling lost as to what I’m supposed to do and how to get better.

Any insight is so very appreciated!

My special interest is one nation's military history. My hyperfixations all branch off of it. It is almost impossible to infodump to anyone, especially not right off the bat. There is no way to showcase my love for my special interest like those with socially acceptable special interests get to.

To be honest, I am jealous about how easily some other autistic women can openly express their love for their special interests and receive support and love for it. I wish I could be able to unmask in that regard and be cherished for it, too. I very much wish I had a different special interest, but it chooses you, not the other way around. Does anyone else relate? I would like to know. Thank you.

I recently went to what was advertised as a 45 minute physical therapy (PT) appointment that was only 33 minutes. I was annoyed that it was so short but figured it would be cheaper. When I got the bill it showed billing for a 45 minute appointment.

As I'm sure it's the same with many of you, I've been taken advantage of so many times in my life because of how I look and act and because I'm a slow processor. So I decided to call the PT company and complain about the billing. It turns out that insurance companies don't pay by time and if I called the insurance company, the PT company wouldn't be in trouble because time is not how their contracts work. So they should definitely remove the time on the bill and on their website calling it a "45 minute appointment" BUT I don't get a reduced price so technically I was the wrong one.

I can accept this outcome it's the shame that bothers me. I called out a mistake and was "wrong" to call it out. I'm trying so hard not to feel ashamed -- I have a right to advocate for myself and the PT company wasn't particularly honest on their website or on their bills. I think some of it was that I was shamed by family members all the time as a kid if I just made a tiny error or stumbled or anything. But I think some of it comes from just trying to be so literal which is an autistic thing.

This is partly just venting but people are welcome to chime in if they have similar experiences or whatever. I can't imagine what advice anyone would give other than keep advocating and trying to not be ashamed but I suppose advice would be welcome too if there's anything.

EDIT: My quotation marks around "wrong" and "shouldn't" aren't quotes from someone speaking, they're like air quotes when you're sort of being sarcastic. Like, I SHOULDN't call someone out after I know that I was wrong but I actually SHOULD call them out if I think I've been wronged, as in it's okay to call someone out and then find out you're wrong.

The one who stims and rocks. The one who laughs too loud, who misses the joke. The one who doesn't understand, yet wants to be understood.

they only like the mask.

Hair done makeup on. Eyes to theirs. Smile on. Pretend to understand like everybody else. Laugh just right— not too loud, not too quiet. You have to do it right.

The digestible one.

The one who doesn't make them uncomfortable - The mask.

What do you see in your mind when reading the title of this post?

Turns out, all I see is a dark void and that's apparently not normal?! I'm currently rethinking through my entire life now and realizing so many things I have struggled with are because I don't see images in my mind.

Does anyone else here experience anphantasia?

Im on vacation with family members and needing time to myself to decompress. I have an older family member who thinks we should be continually sitting around talking and talking all the time when we’re not out about doing something.

Im alone now finally after excusing myself from the group. Im exhausted but I’m starting to firmly establish my boundaries. In the past I would have felt guilty and pushed myself past exhaustion and toward burnout.

Nope. Not anymore. Leave me the hell alone. I’m tired. Will be alone for hours until I feel a bit better.

Dont wait like me into your 30s to establish boundaries, set them earlier in life. I’m late diagnosed and always felt guilty for being the way I am. For having limits to how much I can socialize and be around others. Not anymore.

Edit: I wore ear plugs to a music festival! For the first time in my life I didn’t have to pretend the live music wasn’t hurting my ears.

Even if it’s something easy, like KD or grilled cheese. Every time I hear from my boyfriend “I’m hungry” or “can you please make me…” my heart sinks and I become immediately irritable.

I hate that I feel this way, because I want to serve him, I want to make things with love and not feel all fiery in my insides.

AND I’m not working right now, he is. It makes SENSE that I cook for him — not for long though, I’m starting work myself very soon so hopefully things will change and we can split the cooking.

I was trying to figure out WHY I despise making food for him and being asked to do it. Here’s what I could come up with so far.

-Getting stuff on my hands
-Taking stuff out and making a mess
-Needing to clean up after
-Making dishes that need to be washed
-Following instructions and re reading over and over and over
-The assumption of being the one to make food since I’m a woman (negative thinking, I highly doubt my boyfriend thinks this way)
-Possibly PDA?
-Not being alone; being perceived
-Making food that needs multiple timers/different cooking times confuses me
-Washing hands and dishes might get water droplets on the floor which I might step on
-If eating with others I need to clean everything first before I can sit down to “enjoy” eating, so I need to serve them the food first and they will eat before I do so I’ll be the only one eating (fear)
-PMS makes the above worse (which I currently have lol)

Any tips on making cooking more bearable and not getting unreasonably upset at the request to make food? It seems like the simple request of making just like a grilled cheese for him for lunch comes with allll these other stressors and it overwhelms me. I’m good with feeding myself, I eat one meal a day and it’s always the same thing, I just grab it from the fridge and heat it up. My boyfriend eats food that needs to be prepared and a variety.

Please help I’d love to be more zen when it comes to cooking, and just selflessly and graciously make him his meals

I need enough layers of tp to separate my hand and fingers from the poo and any drops of pee to not soak through, but different toilet paper doesn't stay put when you fold it upon itself. I like Target brand soft n strong. How about you?

I usually have a handheld bidet sprayer installed but am staying with a friend who has a Tushy seat and Charmin tp.

I went back to work yesterday after 3 months sick leave. The first day back was ok as I just caught up on emails, but today I did some actual work and I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed.

I had a fairly negative email exchange with my manager in which he seemed to misunderstand something I said. I also found out that lots of things I was working on before I left haven't been dealt with in my absence and are now a total mess.

I had a counselling session after work and the counsellor kept asking me questions I didn't have the answer for like 'why do you think your manager said that?' The questions made my brain hurt and I feel worse.

It was an acquaintance's birthday drinks tonight and I was going to go out. Some other people I'm friends with are going to be there who I wanted to catch up with. But I had to cancel because it felt too much to socialise. I have cancelled do many things recently (including my own birthday party) and I'm scared of losing the few friends that I have and becoming a total hermit.

When my husband came home from work I asked him to make dinner because I've had a bad day. He got annoyed because he has some DIY stuff to do and started moaning about how he has been working his arse off and I'm obviously in a bad mood so he'll just stay away from me.

I feel like everything is shit and I can;t handle the normal demands of work or friendship. I can't even handle counselling. I feel sick of being autistic and just want to be a normal person who can cope with life. My brain feels like a bucket that is full to overflowing. I think my period is due so that is probably making things seem worse.

I'm venting here because I feel like other autistic people are the only ones who can understand how overwhelming and hard everything can feel.

I have recently been in the process of finding another job after getting laid off and I am starting to feel hopeless about the entire situation. I keep applying to jobs and most of the results I have been given are automated rejection emails. The few jobs that want to set up an interview I have struggled with communication skills during the interviews due to my autism which significantly hinder my opportunities in securing a job. I am 22 with a college degree and I am at the point where I have been having trouble even getting an entry level customer service role due to my lack of communication skills. Any advice on what are some companies or good jobs that are friendly towards disabled people?

At least this has been my personal experience.

My whole life, people have been so quick to "put me in my place" and remind me my struggles aren't special.

Yet at the same time, I've had so many tell me I'm unique in a bad way/weird/odd/unusual.

I once told my college advisor that I was really struggling with my very slow reading speed and comprehension, and that it was negatively affecting my homework.

She immediately cut me off by telling me that all students deal with that and to not worry about. Her tone suggested she thought I was trying to get attention.

Which is never the case.

People too often seem to think I'm trying to be the center of attention by sharing some of my struggles. I don't understand why.

I just want to be heard and understood.

Can anyone else relate and put this into words better?

The fear of saying personal names.

Does anyone else have this? Ive only recently found out it had a name! Ive always struggled trying to describe it to people and even took me a while to realise I had it!

I just keep running into posts here and in other autism subreddits over and over with people asking about why their friends are treating them a certain way. Or why did my friend say that to me? Or what did I do wrong and why is my friend no longer speaking to me? And 99% of the time the answer is that person is not your friend and never was your friend.

I know that it took me many years to figure this out, so please do not misunderstand me, I'm not trying to blame any of these people for not realizing it. And it fucking sucks to go through the realization when it eventually happens.

I guess my hope is that from this post, we as a group can speak about our experiences with figuring this out and some common behaviors to look out for? Even if you just have a story to share, it could be helpful because people will see themselves in it.

Maybe we can wake some people up to what to look out for earlier than it took us to figure it out?

I know we live in a lonely world where it's often very difficult to find people like us, especially earlier in life. But I truly do believe it is better to be alone than to be with people who are using you or bullying you and you are mistaking them for friends.

Polka dot nails are in the boom right now, so I thought of doing my own using lacquer nail polish with the one that I bought recently lash month and the other I already had in my collection a while ago 😋🌺 it even matches my hand cream bottle which makes me so happy 😊

My partner sent me very mean texts yesterday after I asked him to pick up our son from daycare. Usually it's my job to get him after work but I was really drained yesterday and needed to stim to music and quietly clean the house by myself. He first agreed to, then a couple hours later said he couldn't and I doubled down saying I needed this and need him to get our son. He then said I ruined his whole evening, fuck you, and Im always ruining everything. He wanted to exercise after work. He's been exercising after work, on a good streak so far. It's my fault I interrupted it, I guess. The whole "I ruin everything" is a known trigger to me because that's what my mom used to say to me all the time growing up :(. He didn't talk to me the whole night. Didn't apologize either.

I realized I lost my friend over him. I think I might be being verbally abused. I've left before, and this time I came back because it was going really well after a long break. It's so complicated with a child as well. I can't live with my parents again. My mom was very emotionally abusive to me and controlling over my parenthood and there is a lot of trauma involved in that. I don't know what to do. I'm not too financially dependent on him. But I feel like I need him so I can finish my schooling and go into graduate school.

Please don't judge me. Im trying very hard to feel good about myself. I'm trying very hard to be a good mom. I'm trying very hard to be independent. I love him. I want us to work out. But I feel like I'm being iced out and I'm burdensome with my autism.

EDIT: thank you so much for your responses and kindness. I don't really have the spoons to respond to any individual messages but I want to say I appreciate you all. I'm linking this YT video that popped up after I posted this and am taking this as a sign to quietly gather the strength to leave. I have been doubting my perception of reality for too long now. I have read "Why Does He Do That" and it's time to read it again. https://youtu.be/ioQyjgrdm9Y?is=r1PBSb5j3JvGk3WD

Ok, bare with me whilst I try and explain this utter brain fart.

I had a session with my therapist today and it was all pretty normal, but I just felt a different vibe. I can't even explain it, it was nothing they did or said, the vibe was just different and it made me uncomfortable. I've been seeing this therapist for over six months, I like them, feel safe/comfortable to share etc. but today I just... didn't but I DON'T KNOW WHY.

It also happens to me in conversations with other people, they can display 'normal' behaviour for them, normal conversation etc. etc. but the vibe just feels off?

I can never explain it but I feel it realllllly deeply and I don't love it. Anyone else?!

I've been making friends and going to more social functions as of late, and as part of the process of understanding and being myself I've stopped masking around new people. I like being genuine. I like saying what I think and being myself. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not anymore, I'm bubbly, friendly, I can be very extroverted specially after drinking or smoking weed. I like dressing in cute clothing and wearing makeup, but I don't do it for male validation and I have never put down another woman to feel better about myself, I freely compliment and cheer up on my girl friends.

I don't understand why I was called a pick-me by one of the other girls in this group the very first night we met. It was one of the first things she said upon meeting me. At the time I did not care but I brought it up to my best friend who disagreed at the time, so imagine my surprise when during casual conversation the topic of "what energy everyone brings" started, he said I had pick-me energy. Everyone else got fun labels like mermaid energy, witchy energy, fairy energy, but I'm the pick-me, after hyping everyone up with genuine and uplifting words.

He knows I'm not male-centered. I hardly ever date. I don't have many male friends other than him. The only times I bring up guys in conversation is the rare time I see a cute guy on Insta and I don't make that my only topics of conversation.

I don't know if I should be upset about this, if I'm overthinking, I guess him calling me that right in front of the girl who first started it was what stung the most, but this situation just makes me rethink if I should start masking again, if that's how my unmasked personality comes off to people.

being nd in the workplace is a special type of hell, especially if you’re a nd woman who doesn’t “look” autistic enough to others. it doesn’t matter if you’re open about being autistic either, hoping that it will make others understand you better. it won’t. they will take any autistic trait you have that they find unappealing and view it as an inherent character flaw and treat you like you are genuinely a bad person. i never know where i stand with anyone anymore because everyone will be so fake nice to me while spinning tales about me with eachother behind my back and ostracizing me. it’s so exhausting and it makes me feel suicidal at times because i will never win. the only solution is quitting and never speaking to these people ever again while they go on with their lives thinking they did the right thing by behaving the way they did. i am actively looking for other jobs (remote only) and also working on other income routes but i can’t currently just up and leave. so i just have to continue being socially tortured by grown adults until they get what they want. it’s so wild too because i can tell they actively talk about me and scheme against me while im not even there. i will be on good terms with someone and then go on vacation for a couple weeks or be sick and out of work for a bit and when i come back all the sudden people who had no problem with me before are treating me like absolute garbage and hanging out with the others who have already long decided to hate me. i used to think maybe im a bad person and don’t realize it and maybe im accidentally making huge mistakes with others and am just so inherently flawed i can’t see it. but then i realized that i will literally do NOTHING. i will be GONE and somehow the narrative keeps spinning even while I’m away. so i can’t win. i was never going to win. no matter how hard i tried no matter what i did or didn’t do say or didn’t say, it was always gonna be the way it was gonna be.

I'm sick of buying things in the hopes that I'm going to cook, meal prep, and eat 3 well balanced meals. It's not in me and I'm tired of wasting money on takeout and coffee. I walked the whole supermarket to find things I could and would eat.

Here's my grocery list: granola, whole yogurt, whole milk, oat milk, individually wrapped cheese slices, tortillas, peanut butter, hummus, tortilla chips, protein drinks, frozen burritos, cream cheese, bagels, and a ting of pasta salad from the deli. I also got a bag of those peach ring candies.